"Being
defensive" is a learned way of getting out of lots of things. It's also
used to force one's point of view, or force getting one's way. When one
behaves defensively, then one is implying that they are the one who is
under fire and being treated unfairly. Reality doesn't matter if the
behavior itself works, and it does work, quite often.
Children who develop this habit often learned it directly from watching someone else, a parent or other older person, even a sibling or neighbor. They also learned that people do get away with using it as a control tool in many circles, with many individuals.
Children learn that it can be used for all kinds of purposes, pretty much anything, if those around them allow it or fall for it. If they use it successfully during childhood, and are not reprimanded for it or guided away from it, they will often continue to use it in adulthood.
When there are several people in a group who use defensiveness for control purposes, they will often defend one another. They're really defending the behavior itself, not the person, and this can be seen when they throw the person they were just defending last week under the bus to defend themselves.
Humans tend to automatically align themselves with whoever is acting "defensively", REGARDLESS of facts and reality, and this automatic behavior increases dramatically when the person is like THEMSELVES in some way. The similarity can be anything at all, from being a fan of the same sports team, to being on the same "rung" of the ladder at their company, to being the same sex, same race, similar height, ancestry, FIELD of work or study, wealth or poverty status, even being from the same town, wearing similar clothing, anything at all that says "that person is like me".
Humans also tend to consider themselves "understanding" and "objective" when they align themselves with a person who is behaving defensively; they give themselves a 'reward' for it, and feel like a 'good person'. However the fact that they didn't actually view the events or situation objectively, from ALL sides equally, without bias, doesn't seem to enter their minds.
Behaving defensively is a learned behavior, usually from childhood, that a fair number of people use for control purposes.
Children who develop this habit often learned it directly from watching someone else, a parent or other older person, even a sibling or neighbor. They also learned that people do get away with using it as a control tool in many circles, with many individuals.
Children learn that it can be used for all kinds of purposes, pretty much anything, if those around them allow it or fall for it. If they use it successfully during childhood, and are not reprimanded for it or guided away from it, they will often continue to use it in adulthood.
When there are several people in a group who use defensiveness for control purposes, they will often defend one another. They're really defending the behavior itself, not the person, and this can be seen when they throw the person they were just defending last week under the bus to defend themselves.
Humans tend to automatically align themselves with whoever is acting "defensively", REGARDLESS of facts and reality, and this automatic behavior increases dramatically when the person is like THEMSELVES in some way. The similarity can be anything at all, from being a fan of the same sports team, to being on the same "rung" of the ladder at their company, to being the same sex, same race, similar height, ancestry, FIELD of work or study, wealth or poverty status, even being from the same town, wearing similar clothing, anything at all that says "that person is like me".
Humans also tend to consider themselves "understanding" and "objective" when they align themselves with a person who is behaving defensively; they give themselves a 'reward' for it, and feel like a 'good person'. However the fact that they didn't actually view the events or situation objectively, from ALL sides equally, without bias, doesn't seem to enter their minds.
Behaving defensively is a learned behavior, usually from childhood, that a fair number of people use for control purposes.
