One
of the programs that can get implemented with control-abuse and
codependent dynamics is very subtle approval-seeking. The program gets
"installed" as part of the core decision-making process.
It looks something like:
"I like this coat, and it fits what I need and want in a coat, I want to buy it"... but then, from underneath, in a quiet voice, "What will so-and-so think, say, and DO if I buy this coat, if I wear this coat, if they see this coat, if they see me wearing this coat, if they know the price of this coat" and "Will they accept me more or less if I wear this coat; what will this coat imply about me; will they think it makes me look stuck-up, rich, poor, classy, low-class, trying too hard". and "what will be the outcome of all factors if I buy this coat", and then, often, "there are too many potential negative consequences for buying this coat, better not buy it right now, maybe another time."
If a Controller likes or approves of the coat purchase, then most of those "worries" can seem to melt away.
This program can be seen in anyone from a "codependent" system, whatever their role in the system is, including "Golden children" and "Controllers". (A Controller might desire and seek approval AND try to control and dominate others at the same time.)
This program can cause an undercurrent of anxiety that can become debilitating, especially when accompanied by similar programs such as social anxiety or agoraphobia.
It can hold a person back from doing absolutely anything without direct or APPARENT approval from others, from speaking during a conversation, to getting a job, to going through the steps to go to college, to actually going to class, to making soup, to buying socks, to maintaining their car.
It looks something like:
"I like this coat, and it fits what I need and want in a coat, I want to buy it"... but then, from underneath, in a quiet voice, "What will so-and-so think, say, and DO if I buy this coat, if I wear this coat, if they see this coat, if they see me wearing this coat, if they know the price of this coat" and "Will they accept me more or less if I wear this coat; what will this coat imply about me; will they think it makes me look stuck-up, rich, poor, classy, low-class, trying too hard". and "what will be the outcome of all factors if I buy this coat", and then, often, "there are too many potential negative consequences for buying this coat, better not buy it right now, maybe another time."
If a Controller likes or approves of the coat purchase, then most of those "worries" can seem to melt away.
This program can be seen in anyone from a "codependent" system, whatever their role in the system is, including "Golden children" and "Controllers". (A Controller might desire and seek approval AND try to control and dominate others at the same time.)
This program can cause an undercurrent of anxiety that can become debilitating, especially when accompanied by similar programs such as social anxiety or agoraphobia.
It can hold a person back from doing absolutely anything without direct or APPARENT approval from others, from speaking during a conversation, to getting a job, to going through the steps to go to college, to actually going to class, to making soup, to buying socks, to maintaining their car.
