To talk theoretically about a topic is all good, but seeing it in action can be the line that connects the dots between theory and understanding it in real life. This page is a collection of examples of Narcissistic Injury, from other's witness and from the author's experience. This list will grow over time to include more examples as they're reported, to shed more light for all of us.
(If something seems out of place, that's okay, no names are used here, and human error is always present where humans are present (although Narcissists would disagree!) so corrections are expected and embraced.
Not disrespectful criticism or control behavior; actual suggestions for correction.
Very different things.)
"Narcissistic Injury"
It's like feeling deeply insulted, humiliated, because someone didn't acknowledge a person's greatness, superiority, perfectness, fabulous-ness, saintliness, genius-ness, guru-ness, 'natural entitlement' to special treatment or authority.
Narcissistic Injury is about feeling that their CHARACTER has been questioned,
that their AUTHORITY has been rebelled against,
that their EXPERTISE has been ignored and dismissed,
that their MANLINESS or their WOMANLINESS has been insulted or challenged,
that their DESERVED SUPERIORITY has been violated,
that their ENTITLEMENT has been attacked,
that they are being SEEN AS JUST A REGULAR PERSON who's NOT ABOVE OTHERS.
It is IMPORTANT TO NOTE that most Narcissists BELIEVE, generally, that there REALLY ARE people who are superior to others, naturally.
They believe that there is a REAL hierarchy, based on innate supremacy and innate inferiority.
They SEE OTHERS, certain others, as being SUPERIOR, so therefore when they don't get to be one of those superior people, they feel like they're being cast out from that group, where the safety, warmth, love, recognition, and resources are.
A few examples of Narcissistic Injury I have personally witnessed (or caused), or others have personally witnessed or caused:
While in a group of friends, one was doing tricks with his bicycle; he slipped on the curb and fell down; he was scraped but not injured, I chuckled sympathetically (as did others, just as when any of us goofed~), he threw his bicycle at me.
In an office setting, a female supervisor kept getting into a foul mood every time the good-looking male Fed-Ex delivery man showed up. I finally asked why she didn't like him, if he had done something wrong; she answered: "I don't know what you're talking about." The following day it happened again, and I overheard her (talking too loudly) to the manager about how one of the clerks always flirts so much with him, and how she thinks she's "all that". (For the record, I didn't witness any flirting, the clerk could be considered an "attractive woman", but she was just the person who was supposed to take deliveries.)
At a job site with my remodeling/carpentry contracting business, the homeowner had hired a local cabinet maker who was a friend of hers. When the homeowner introduced me as the contractor and remodeler, he actually laughed in my face, I thought "wow, issues?" But during the week, someone kept doing little things to sabotage my workspace; at one point someone had carefully stuck several razor blades into the cardboard of my boxes of screws, so if someone reached for them without looking they would get seriously injured.
(Narcissistic Injury: Apparently his identity as a "man" was insulted because a small female (with blond hair) was "being" a Contractor/carpenter, so he actually felt entitled to retaliate for this perceived "insult".)
I met a very famous music producer whom I didn't recognize, and carried on a conversation with. When he realized I didn't know who he was, he said something about my "ignorance" and stalked away.
When an acquaintance of mine attended a concert, she was quite angry and offended that the performer, whom she admired and "followed", did not come out to greet her.
When another acquaintance kept changing plans and telling me at the last minute, and refused to answer his phone when I tried to call about the schedule, I finally mentioned that I didn't like the practice and if he would please be more clear with scheduling; he flew into a rage that lasted for three days.
When I walked in on another person trashing me to someone else, even though I said nothing at all (I wasn't surprised, I knew she did that) she flew into a rage that lasted for two days. She also revved up the trashing to anyone who would listen.
When I displayed surprise, anger, and hurt about a really outlandish, awful rumor about me that had been circulating apparently for over 20 years, not in person but in an email message; the person who told me about the rumor was offended and upset that I was upset...
When I stood up to a condescending, disrespectful manager at a local supply store where I was a regular Contractor customer. He tried to "retaliate" by demeaning me in the front of the store, loudly. (I called the main office, he was reprimanded, never condescended to me again, but I stopped buying from that store.)
One of the very worst experiences I've personally had with Narcissistic Injury was in the hospital, on the day that the Oncologist told my father that there were was no more time, that he was going to die from his illness and that was that.
First of all, the manner that my father was spoken to for months, not only by this oncologist but by other "health professionals" as well was astoundingly rude, vague, and demeaning; one general practitioner directly insulted his "fitness" when he went in with a hernia after a long round of "chemotherapy", telling him he should do crunches, and that his other patients were in much better shape. Another one made fun of his use of the word "Palpate", and then tweaked his cheek like he would a small child, put his arm around him and said in a shockingly condescending voice "Now, you just enjoy the time you have left."
But the most obvious, horrific Narcissistic Injury RAGE attack display occurred on that day when the Oncologist, with his team (posse) told my father that he was going to die. I had been encouraging my Dad to seek out alternatives, at least explore them, but he was not comfortable with that, so I didn't try to force it, I respected his decisions, of course. There were HIS decisions, HIS life, not mine. After the doctor informed him of the dire news, I asked him if he might want to speak to a certain research and care team in another state, and he agreed, saying it couldn't hurt at this point, and let's try. So, naively, I asked one of the interns on the Oncologist's team (posse) if he had any knowledge of this other place, thinking I was speaking to a fellow science person. His response was dismissive and rude, and he was obviously trying to get away from me. I persisted for just a moment, and he started DEFENDING his posse leader, the Oncologist... as if my inquiry about this other place was a direct and mean INSULT, and of course that was MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than my father's LIFE.... I walked away, obviously angry, and went back into my father's room; the intern followed me and started defending himself IN MY FATHER'S ROOM. After a few minutes, he must have caught himself, and slowed down, even apologized a little. Then he saw his posse leader in the hallway with the rest of the posse, and offered to go ask him if he'd ever heard of the place and if he knows anything... so, again, naively... I followed him into the hallway, expecting for some reason the Oncologist to behave like an adult, especially in light of the death sentence he just issued my father. But instead what I received was a RANT, insulting me and defending his expertise, in the middle of the hallway, in front of the nurse's station.
Tragically the very next day, this brilliant Oncologist administered very heavy chemotherapy to my father's weakened body, he refused to even speak about it. I did not have power of attorney so I couldn't stop it, and I think my father had given up, he didn't say anything. Immediately, his arm swelled up like a balloon, and he lost lucidity; they kept giving it to him for three days, in spite of that; he never returned to his healthy mental state and died two weeks later.
A woman decided to replace the back door on her house. She mentioned it to her husband the way anyone would mention a project to a friend; he immediately went to the store without her to buy a new door, and spent the next day putting it in (without her). (She didn't say anything, she was used to his compulsive and disrespectful behaviors.) When she went to paint it, he stood behind her, criticizing every move she made; how she prepared the door, how she opened the can, how she mixed the paint, what kind of brushes she was using, and how she applied the paint.
The singer from a local band (A) was working at a job with another local singer (B). Every time a new person would come around, singer A would tell them all about her band and her wonderful voice, and would never mention singer B at all. One day singer A was in another room, and someone mentioned to singer B that she had a wonderful voice; singer A ran into the room and physically stepped between them, and started telling the person about her own band, her vast experience, and her singing voice.
Three couples at a restaurant for a social luncheon. Every time one of the women spoke, one of the other women would talk over her. It happened so much that she stopped talking. When she asked her husband what time it was, the woman next to him again immediately spoke to him, getting his attention away from his wife. When he realized what was going on, he turned toward his wife and away from the others, at which point the two women began throwing him compliments. They did it so much that their husbands couldn't help but notice; they started talking only to each other and whining about their wives. The only two people at the table not participating in the childish social games was the targeted couple, they got up and left, and the other two couples gossiped about them when they were gone. (When the two couples called them for another outing, they politely declined.)
An artist had a roommate (long time acquaintance) who liked to do crafts but was not serious with "fine art". The artist didn't know that the roommate envied him, so he did not think of protecting his artwork or his work space from the roommate. At the end of one particularly difficult project, the artist set up the work so that it would dry and "set", and left a note for the roommate so they would know why it was left out. When the artist got home from work, the artwork had been stacked together and put into a corner, completely ruined; the roommate told the artist "I had to clean up the mess".
On a later occasion, the artist had a sculpture in progress on a desk in a private room; when the artist came home one night, the roommate had laid clothing over the sculpture and destroyed it.
A man wanted to get his girlfriend a keepsake gift to show her he loved her, he picked out a charm bracelet that he thought was beautiful, and more importantly seemed to be something she would like. When he gave her the box, she shook it and laughed, "What the heck is this?" and then opened it and exclaimed "Seriously, what IS this?! Am I supposed to wear this in public?"
A woman was sitting on work break, eating her lunch; a coworker who found her attractive got around to asking her to get coffee. She didn't know it was supposed to be a "date", especially since the invitation was so informal. When the day came, she had to cancel because she had to give someone a ride to an appointment. At work the next day, the coworker refused to speak to her, and even behaved in a hostile way; she had no idea why.
A pair of parents gave their child advice about everything, all the time, about everything she did, from how she should wear her hair to what kind of pants look good on her, to which friends she should have, to what kind of car she should drive, what she should take in college, how to cut her food, how to tie her shoes better, what color nail polish she should wear, how she is sitting in her chair, how long she should sleep and what time she should get up in the morning, well into adulthood. They gave her advice, constantly, and criticism disguised as advice, but not actual assistance, and no recognition or credit for anything she did on her own.
Any advice she refused to follow was seen as outright rebellion, laziness, and ingratitude, and the parents told all of their family and friends about what a burden she was.
Every time a wife tried to talk to her husband about their relationship, he would shut down, shut her out, yell at her, criticize her, leave, break up with her, or fly into a rage. He literally could not emotionally handle the implication that he was not perfect, and that he was responsible for half of the relationship, or that she was a "real person" who could walk away at any moment for any reason.
(If something seems out of place, that's okay, no names are used here, and human error is always present where humans are present (although Narcissists would disagree!) so corrections are expected and embraced.
Not disrespectful criticism or control behavior; actual suggestions for correction.
Very different things.)
"Narcissistic Injury"
It's like feeling deeply insulted, humiliated, because someone didn't acknowledge a person's greatness, superiority, perfectness, fabulous-ness, saintliness, genius-ness, guru-ness, 'natural entitlement' to special treatment or authority.
Narcissistic Injury is about feeling that their CHARACTER has been questioned,
that their AUTHORITY has been rebelled against,
that their EXPERTISE has been ignored and dismissed,
that their MANLINESS or their WOMANLINESS has been insulted or challenged,
that their DESERVED SUPERIORITY has been violated,
that their ENTITLEMENT has been attacked,
that they are being SEEN AS JUST A REGULAR PERSON who's NOT ABOVE OTHERS.
It is IMPORTANT TO NOTE that most Narcissists BELIEVE, generally, that there REALLY ARE people who are superior to others, naturally.
They believe that there is a REAL hierarchy, based on innate supremacy and innate inferiority.
They SEE OTHERS, certain others, as being SUPERIOR, so therefore when they don't get to be one of those superior people, they feel like they're being cast out from that group, where the safety, warmth, love, recognition, and resources are.
A few examples of Narcissistic Injury I have personally witnessed (or caused), or others have personally witnessed or caused:
While in a group of friends, one was doing tricks with his bicycle; he slipped on the curb and fell down; he was scraped but not injured, I chuckled sympathetically (as did others, just as when any of us goofed~), he threw his bicycle at me.
In an office setting, a female supervisor kept getting into a foul mood every time the good-looking male Fed-Ex delivery man showed up. I finally asked why she didn't like him, if he had done something wrong; she answered: "I don't know what you're talking about." The following day it happened again, and I overheard her (talking too loudly) to the manager about how one of the clerks always flirts so much with him, and how she thinks she's "all that". (For the record, I didn't witness any flirting, the clerk could be considered an "attractive woman", but she was just the person who was supposed to take deliveries.)
At a job site with my remodeling/carpentry contracting business, the homeowner had hired a local cabinet maker who was a friend of hers. When the homeowner introduced me as the contractor and remodeler, he actually laughed in my face, I thought "wow, issues?" But during the week, someone kept doing little things to sabotage my workspace; at one point someone had carefully stuck several razor blades into the cardboard of my boxes of screws, so if someone reached for them without looking they would get seriously injured.
(Narcissistic Injury: Apparently his identity as a "man" was insulted because a small female (with blond hair) was "being" a Contractor/carpenter, so he actually felt entitled to retaliate for this perceived "insult".)
I met a very famous music producer whom I didn't recognize, and carried on a conversation with. When he realized I didn't know who he was, he said something about my "ignorance" and stalked away.
When an acquaintance of mine attended a concert, she was quite angry and offended that the performer, whom she admired and "followed", did not come out to greet her.
When another acquaintance kept changing plans and telling me at the last minute, and refused to answer his phone when I tried to call about the schedule, I finally mentioned that I didn't like the practice and if he would please be more clear with scheduling; he flew into a rage that lasted for three days.
When I walked in on another person trashing me to someone else, even though I said nothing at all (I wasn't surprised, I knew she did that) she flew into a rage that lasted for two days. She also revved up the trashing to anyone who would listen.
When I displayed surprise, anger, and hurt about a really outlandish, awful rumor about me that had been circulating apparently for over 20 years, not in person but in an email message; the person who told me about the rumor was offended and upset that I was upset...
When I stood up to a condescending, disrespectful manager at a local supply store where I was a regular Contractor customer. He tried to "retaliate" by demeaning me in the front of the store, loudly. (I called the main office, he was reprimanded, never condescended to me again, but I stopped buying from that store.)
One of the very worst experiences I've personally had with Narcissistic Injury was in the hospital, on the day that the Oncologist told my father that there were was no more time, that he was going to die from his illness and that was that.
First of all, the manner that my father was spoken to for months, not only by this oncologist but by other "health professionals" as well was astoundingly rude, vague, and demeaning; one general practitioner directly insulted his "fitness" when he went in with a hernia after a long round of "chemotherapy", telling him he should do crunches, and that his other patients were in much better shape. Another one made fun of his use of the word "Palpate", and then tweaked his cheek like he would a small child, put his arm around him and said in a shockingly condescending voice "Now, you just enjoy the time you have left."
But the most obvious, horrific Narcissistic Injury RAGE attack display occurred on that day when the Oncologist, with his team (posse) told my father that he was going to die. I had been encouraging my Dad to seek out alternatives, at least explore them, but he was not comfortable with that, so I didn't try to force it, I respected his decisions, of course. There were HIS decisions, HIS life, not mine. After the doctor informed him of the dire news, I asked him if he might want to speak to a certain research and care team in another state, and he agreed, saying it couldn't hurt at this point, and let's try. So, naively, I asked one of the interns on the Oncologist's team (posse) if he had any knowledge of this other place, thinking I was speaking to a fellow science person. His response was dismissive and rude, and he was obviously trying to get away from me. I persisted for just a moment, and he started DEFENDING his posse leader, the Oncologist... as if my inquiry about this other place was a direct and mean INSULT, and of course that was MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than my father's LIFE.... I walked away, obviously angry, and went back into my father's room; the intern followed me and started defending himself IN MY FATHER'S ROOM. After a few minutes, he must have caught himself, and slowed down, even apologized a little. Then he saw his posse leader in the hallway with the rest of the posse, and offered to go ask him if he'd ever heard of the place and if he knows anything... so, again, naively... I followed him into the hallway, expecting for some reason the Oncologist to behave like an adult, especially in light of the death sentence he just issued my father. But instead what I received was a RANT, insulting me and defending his expertise, in the middle of the hallway, in front of the nurse's station.
Tragically the very next day, this brilliant Oncologist administered very heavy chemotherapy to my father's weakened body, he refused to even speak about it. I did not have power of attorney so I couldn't stop it, and I think my father had given up, he didn't say anything. Immediately, his arm swelled up like a balloon, and he lost lucidity; they kept giving it to him for three days, in spite of that; he never returned to his healthy mental state and died two weeks later.
A woman decided to replace the back door on her house. She mentioned it to her husband the way anyone would mention a project to a friend; he immediately went to the store without her to buy a new door, and spent the next day putting it in (without her). (She didn't say anything, she was used to his compulsive and disrespectful behaviors.) When she went to paint it, he stood behind her, criticizing every move she made; how she prepared the door, how she opened the can, how she mixed the paint, what kind of brushes she was using, and how she applied the paint.
The singer from a local band (A) was working at a job with another local singer (B). Every time a new person would come around, singer A would tell them all about her band and her wonderful voice, and would never mention singer B at all. One day singer A was in another room, and someone mentioned to singer B that she had a wonderful voice; singer A ran into the room and physically stepped between them, and started telling the person about her own band, her vast experience, and her singing voice.
Three couples at a restaurant for a social luncheon. Every time one of the women spoke, one of the other women would talk over her. It happened so much that she stopped talking. When she asked her husband what time it was, the woman next to him again immediately spoke to him, getting his attention away from his wife. When he realized what was going on, he turned toward his wife and away from the others, at which point the two women began throwing him compliments. They did it so much that their husbands couldn't help but notice; they started talking only to each other and whining about their wives. The only two people at the table not participating in the childish social games was the targeted couple, they got up and left, and the other two couples gossiped about them when they were gone. (When the two couples called them for another outing, they politely declined.)
An artist had a roommate (long time acquaintance) who liked to do crafts but was not serious with "fine art". The artist didn't know that the roommate envied him, so he did not think of protecting his artwork or his work space from the roommate. At the end of one particularly difficult project, the artist set up the work so that it would dry and "set", and left a note for the roommate so they would know why it was left out. When the artist got home from work, the artwork had been stacked together and put into a corner, completely ruined; the roommate told the artist "I had to clean up the mess".
On a later occasion, the artist had a sculpture in progress on a desk in a private room; when the artist came home one night, the roommate had laid clothing over the sculpture and destroyed it.
A man wanted to get his girlfriend a keepsake gift to show her he loved her, he picked out a charm bracelet that he thought was beautiful, and more importantly seemed to be something she would like. When he gave her the box, she shook it and laughed, "What the heck is this?" and then opened it and exclaimed "Seriously, what IS this?! Am I supposed to wear this in public?"
A woman was sitting on work break, eating her lunch; a coworker who found her attractive got around to asking her to get coffee. She didn't know it was supposed to be a "date", especially since the invitation was so informal. When the day came, she had to cancel because she had to give someone a ride to an appointment. At work the next day, the coworker refused to speak to her, and even behaved in a hostile way; she had no idea why.
A pair of parents gave their child advice about everything, all the time, about everything she did, from how she should wear her hair to what kind of pants look good on her, to which friends she should have, to what kind of car she should drive, what she should take in college, how to cut her food, how to tie her shoes better, what color nail polish she should wear, how she is sitting in her chair, how long she should sleep and what time she should get up in the morning, well into adulthood. They gave her advice, constantly, and criticism disguised as advice, but not actual assistance, and no recognition or credit for anything she did on her own.
Any advice she refused to follow was seen as outright rebellion, laziness, and ingratitude, and the parents told all of their family and friends about what a burden she was.
Every time a wife tried to talk to her husband about their relationship, he would shut down, shut her out, yell at her, criticize her, leave, break up with her, or fly into a rage. He literally could not emotionally handle the implication that he was not perfect, and that he was responsible for half of the relationship, or that she was a "real person" who could walk away at any moment for any reason.
