Healing
and recovery is ten times more important, maybe 100, maybe 1000, times
more important than fully understanding why people end up being abusive.
But understanding some of the "why's" helps US in that healing and recovery.
~
Emotional attachment is one of the biggest things that can keep us stuck in the circle.
That includes all of the emotions such as ANGER and FEAR.
It also includes things like disgust, disdain, and hatred.
Humans have emotions, we're supposed to, it's a brain/body function. Emotions are attached to our experiences, memories, and thoughts. However since we ARE Human, we DO have the ability, the capability, to look at any situation objectively. Having empathy actually HELPS this ability.
Narcissists do NOT have this ability because they lack empathy; they are welded to their emotions; whatever they FEEL, they think is a FACTUAL representation of reality.
NON-Narcissists DO have the ability to separate emotions from experiences, situations, observations, and thoughts.
Experiencing trauma can hinder this ability, even seem to block it. One of the symptoms of PTSD is triggered emotions that are attached to certain memories, so that can be a hindrance. But we are resilient creatures and the brain can and does HEAL, so that's not necessarily a "permanent" condition.
Objectivity is absolutely one of our abilities as a functioning human being. We might need to practice it more, but we're capable.
Objectivity is NOT the same as pity, sympathy, compassion, or coldness. It is all by itself in definition. It sees what's there without anything else attached to it. No anger, no empathy, no pity, no caring, no hate, no resentment, no sympathy, no desire. It's observation WITHOUT emotion, intention, or bias, not WITH certain emotions or intentions.
When we learn to do a new task, we might be excited or intrigued, maybe anxious; when we've gotten proficient at it we feel proud, when we've done it many times, we might feel like we're "one of the people who do this task"; by the time we've done it a hundred times, we tend to have become objective about it, it's just something that exists, that we do.
Then perhaps when we get to about 150, we're not objective anymore because we're starting to get sick of it. 300 times, now we're really sick of it, by 400 we're getting frustrated, by 700 we're angry, by 1000 we've become resigned to it and can become objective again...
Humans have a hard time with objectivity, that's why they (we) invented "Scientific Method". We CAN do it, it's just hard, but it's the only way we can find real things out instead of just believing our own reactions and filters. That's not a "weakness", it's just how we're built.
When one goes into an Animal Shelter, one sees all kinds of dogs and cats. Some of them are very sweet and cuddly, some of them are indifferent and maybe sick of humans, some of them are excited and active, and some of them are vicious. When the veterinarian comes in to give them vaccines, or when they're brought in to be treated, the vet doesn't just treat the ones she likes, she treats them all the same (unless she has a specific personality disorder, that is.)
If you were to pick out a PET, then picking out the vicious dog or cat would be silly, especially if you have kids.
You're STILL being "objective", you're making a decision based on facts and reality, and projected outcomes based on those facts.
You don't have to HATE or even DISLIKE the vicious dogs or cats to decide you aren't going to bring them home.
But your decision might not change even if you weren't being objective, you might still pick the same sweet kitty cat based on your emotions instead of on reality.
However, what if you weren't YOU, but you were someone with some kind of aggression complex? Who gets a thrill out of owning vicious dogs? (makes them feel powerful by association, like they're the dog...because they own the dog...) What if this person HAS KIDS, or has elderly parents living with them? What if this person's kids have friends in and out of the house? Now objectivity is extremely important, because if this person "goes with emotion" in choosing a dog, it's going to be a vicious one. "Nice dogs" are for "wimpy people", apparently... (eye roll emoticon).
If the person was objective, they would be able to step OUTSIDE of their own emotional reactions, whims, and judgments, and NOT GET the vicious dog and expose their children and the neighborhood children and their elderly parents to it every single day. Objectivity would mean they can make a choice about which dog to adopt WITHOUT their own personal emotions and issues coloring their decision; they would definitely get a "Nice" dog if they were able to be objective.
Without objectivity, this person would adopt the VICIOUS dog, not the "nice" dog.
Because the person would be looking at all of the dogs through a limited emotional filter.
Not assessing the situation from a "bird's eye view".
Objectivity helps us to understand, so that we can know what's going on, and what to work on, and why.
But understanding some of the "why's" helps US in that healing and recovery.
~
Emotional attachment is one of the biggest things that can keep us stuck in the circle.
That includes all of the emotions such as ANGER and FEAR.
It also includes things like disgust, disdain, and hatred.
Humans have emotions, we're supposed to, it's a brain/body function. Emotions are attached to our experiences, memories, and thoughts. However since we ARE Human, we DO have the ability, the capability, to look at any situation objectively. Having empathy actually HELPS this ability.
Narcissists do NOT have this ability because they lack empathy; they are welded to their emotions; whatever they FEEL, they think is a FACTUAL representation of reality.
NON-Narcissists DO have the ability to separate emotions from experiences, situations, observations, and thoughts.
Experiencing trauma can hinder this ability, even seem to block it. One of the symptoms of PTSD is triggered emotions that are attached to certain memories, so that can be a hindrance. But we are resilient creatures and the brain can and does HEAL, so that's not necessarily a "permanent" condition.
Objectivity is absolutely one of our abilities as a functioning human being. We might need to practice it more, but we're capable.
Objectivity is NOT the same as pity, sympathy, compassion, or coldness. It is all by itself in definition. It sees what's there without anything else attached to it. No anger, no empathy, no pity, no caring, no hate, no resentment, no sympathy, no desire. It's observation WITHOUT emotion, intention, or bias, not WITH certain emotions or intentions.
When we learn to do a new task, we might be excited or intrigued, maybe anxious; when we've gotten proficient at it we feel proud, when we've done it many times, we might feel like we're "one of the people who do this task"; by the time we've done it a hundred times, we tend to have become objective about it, it's just something that exists, that we do.
Then perhaps when we get to about 150, we're not objective anymore because we're starting to get sick of it. 300 times, now we're really sick of it, by 400 we're getting frustrated, by 700 we're angry, by 1000 we've become resigned to it and can become objective again...
Humans have a hard time with objectivity, that's why they (we) invented "Scientific Method". We CAN do it, it's just hard, but it's the only way we can find real things out instead of just believing our own reactions and filters. That's not a "weakness", it's just how we're built.
When one goes into an Animal Shelter, one sees all kinds of dogs and cats. Some of them are very sweet and cuddly, some of them are indifferent and maybe sick of humans, some of them are excited and active, and some of them are vicious. When the veterinarian comes in to give them vaccines, or when they're brought in to be treated, the vet doesn't just treat the ones she likes, she treats them all the same (unless she has a specific personality disorder, that is.)
If you were to pick out a PET, then picking out the vicious dog or cat would be silly, especially if you have kids.
You're STILL being "objective", you're making a decision based on facts and reality, and projected outcomes based on those facts.
You don't have to HATE or even DISLIKE the vicious dogs or cats to decide you aren't going to bring them home.
But your decision might not change even if you weren't being objective, you might still pick the same sweet kitty cat based on your emotions instead of on reality.
However, what if you weren't YOU, but you were someone with some kind of aggression complex? Who gets a thrill out of owning vicious dogs? (makes them feel powerful by association, like they're the dog...because they own the dog...) What if this person HAS KIDS, or has elderly parents living with them? What if this person's kids have friends in and out of the house? Now objectivity is extremely important, because if this person "goes with emotion" in choosing a dog, it's going to be a vicious one. "Nice dogs" are for "wimpy people", apparently... (eye roll emoticon).
If the person was objective, they would be able to step OUTSIDE of their own emotional reactions, whims, and judgments, and NOT GET the vicious dog and expose their children and the neighborhood children and their elderly parents to it every single day. Objectivity would mean they can make a choice about which dog to adopt WITHOUT their own personal emotions and issues coloring their decision; they would definitely get a "Nice" dog if they were able to be objective.
Without objectivity, this person would adopt the VICIOUS dog, not the "nice" dog.
Because the person would be looking at all of the dogs through a limited emotional filter.
Not assessing the situation from a "bird's eye view".
Objectivity helps us to understand, so that we can know what's going on, and what to work on, and why.
