Those with Narcissism typically resent any kind of apparently "obligatory" caregiving, or sharing with another of their time or resources, such as caring for or helping their kids, their partner, adult children, or other relatives or friends. They don't want to do anything that they're not going to get extra credit, praise, or reward for, or anything that they're not going to get immediate payback for.
A Narcissistic parent, for example, will often find it quite an arduous burden to change anything about their own routine or comfort in order to care for their own children or spouse. He or she will likely find it a huge burden to even "go out of their way" at all to make sure a child or spouse gets proper medical treatment for an illness or injury. Supporting a child or spouse in a real way toward their goals or even daily tasks can be very burdensome and even stressful for a Narcissist, because they see no direct reward for themselves in this "sacrifice".(Children of Narcissists who are not favored are often denied resources, denied emotional or other support, blamed and shamed for random things in the household, blamed and shamed for anything that happens to them, and are often rejected or kicked out of the family and home so they don't "cost" the parent any more resources, or be "in the way", or "burdensome" with their unrewarding, unexciting presence.) Narcissistic parents only "support" their kids or spouse if there's something in it for them, like image, reputation, recognition, and credit from others ("there's that Great Mom, Suzy...she's such a Great Mother... or "there's that Super Dad Glen... he's so wonderful...or "Hey there go the parents of that football player kid! or that Dancer kid! or the Class President!"), or if they see the child as a "mini me", so they're precariously living their own lives through the child. If the child's goals don't line up with their own goals for gain for themselves, they will not be supportive of that child, and may even reject, neglect, or abuse him or her.
In many cases, even a "favored/Golden Child" of a Narcissistic parent is neglected, or emotionally, verbally, or physically abused.
Narcissists ONLY do things in order to receive a reward, or only if they can't find a way out of a task or obligation, and they expect to always receive obvious rewards and positive feedback for any and everything they do that could be considered "positive", a "contribution", or for someone else. They often expect reward for NOT doing MEAN, inconsiderate, aggressive, or traitorous things as well, such as NOT cheating, NOT hitting, or NOT going out with their friends instead of coming home. ( "You should be grateful that I'm not one of those ..... who beats their spouse / gets wasted every night / beats their kids / takes their spouse's money / sleeps around... etc.")
They expect to get REWARDED for not behaving like a complete psycho, and they expect their kids, spouse, and others close to them to even put them on a pedestal for their refraining from horrible behaviors. And as if they would EVER do anything like that for their spouse or their kids.
They want all the rewards, understanding, sympathy, empathy, and praise they can get for the smallest things, but GIVING any of that, even for wonderful and great accomplishments or help from others is nearly impossible for them (unless they see a reward in it).
Taking accountability for their own behavior and actions, and especially taking responsibility for a mistake or for doing something wrong does not typically result in a tangible REWARD, so Narcissists tend to RAIL AGAINST doing these things. Anything that does not result in a positive reward is avoided and protested against, and anything that might bring some kind of "negative" result, no matter how trivial the consequence would be, is often RAILED and REBELLED AGAINST with PASSION by a Narcissist.
~~~ I was witness to a problem in a small parking lot where three cars were trying to leave, but they had accidentally blocked one another in. Someone needed to move in order to untie the little knot they had created. One person said to their companion, one of the drivers, "Back your car up, then they'll be able to get out." Not with an attitude or negative tone, it was just a neutrally-toned statement. Their friend, the driver, shot back with a blistering tone "I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT!"
Taking responsibility!
Doing something that needed to be done, just because it needed to be done, regardless of who's "FAULT" something was!
Something so trivial as backing one's car up so another could get out actually caused the person to become RESENTFUL, DEFENSIVE, and ANGRY.
Things that they DEMAND from others and EXPECT from others as a matter of course are all things that Narcissists often have a hard time doing at all, never mind doing them without reward.
Narcissists may VOLUNTARILY GIVE others or a target a gift, or a favor, but only when THEY INITIATE IT, rarely when the target ASKS for it. Their form of "giving" allows them, in their minds, to remain in control, and still get the rewards of "giving", which includes a reputation of generosity.
Typically, they react to request from others according to WHO is asking, not according to their ability or capability to help, NOR according to the person's severity of need.
In other words, Narcissists would jump at the chance to "help out" a celebrity they liked, such as Brad Pitt, or Snoop Dog, or a "favorite" person they know even if the person was very wealthy, but would most likely RECOIL at fulfilling any request from someone who is NOT famous, wealthy, a local authority or hero figure, or favored by them, such as one of their non-favored children, their partner, or a friend or coworker whom they want to be superior to. Giving help, gifts, or favors to a celebrity, authority figure, or a favored person is an opportunity for the Narcissist to get a reward. Giving help to someone who's not famous, or who they have not put on a pedestal, means the only "reward" they might get is a thank you from this "non-important" person; no worldly recognition, no immediate gratification, no associated fame or notoriety, and no instant payback.
BESIDES, they typically don't like helping others whom they don't favor become LESS insecure, or feel MORE confident, safe, hopeful or successful, (unless the person's success is in their own interest).
That might help give the person more "power" and autonomy, and therefore be less anxious, less dependent, and less powerless.
A Narcissist will expect praise and positive reward, for instance, for giving a person a compliment about their appearance, or for praising a person for an excellent performance, or for giving them a small gift. They'll expect this reward and credit even if it's one compliment or gift in the middle of a sea of insults and criticisms, as if rewards are supposed to be given out as PAYMENT IN KIND, directly for a specific action, like money for a specific service.
"I complimented your hair, so you should pay me a reward, regardless of the way I've been treating you all day, all week."
They DO NOT connect their behavior to the overall "bigger picture", they tend to see each of their own actions as completely unrelated, separate incidents, irrelevant to one another.
Narcissists do NOT typically see their behavior as causing "problems" for other people. They tend to see others as causing ALL of their OWN problems, regardless of what they are, and regardless of external events (including their own actions).
In a severe case of Narcissism, for example, a Narcissist could puncture another person's tire with a knife and blame the person for "causing them to do it" by "making them mad".
Or they could KNOW that someone slashed a person's tire, and feel zero empathy, sympathy, or even a bit of pity for the person, blame the person for somehow "causing it" to happen, and then typically insult and criticize the person for "being unprepared" and "irresponsible" for not having a spare, or not being able to change their own tire.
(Because, after all, we all cause the behaviors of others... oh yes and everyone should expect their tires to get slashed on any given day, and be completely prepared for it...)
THEN, that same Narcissist could come back to that person a day or a week later, and act like nothing happened; treating the person like a "friend", and on top of that, fully expect to be REWARDED for treating the person like a "friend".
(As if normal, respectful, civil treatment is something that we all get reward and special recognition for.)
(In the case of a sociopathic Narcissist, however, they might be fully aware of the "bigger picture", of their own behavior, and the effects of their behavior. They may be doing it all on purpose. Not all Narcissistic people are sociopaths, not all abusive people are "Narcissists" or sociopaths, and not all sociopaths are "Narcissists". But sociopathic Narcissists can be quite dangerous.)
A Narcissistic parent, for example, will often find it quite an arduous burden to change anything about their own routine or comfort in order to care for their own children or spouse. He or she will likely find it a huge burden to even "go out of their way" at all to make sure a child or spouse gets proper medical treatment for an illness or injury. Supporting a child or spouse in a real way toward their goals or even daily tasks can be very burdensome and even stressful for a Narcissist, because they see no direct reward for themselves in this "sacrifice".(Children of Narcissists who are not favored are often denied resources, denied emotional or other support, blamed and shamed for random things in the household, blamed and shamed for anything that happens to them, and are often rejected or kicked out of the family and home so they don't "cost" the parent any more resources, or be "in the way", or "burdensome" with their unrewarding, unexciting presence.) Narcissistic parents only "support" their kids or spouse if there's something in it for them, like image, reputation, recognition, and credit from others ("there's that Great Mom, Suzy...she's such a Great Mother... or "there's that Super Dad Glen... he's so wonderful...or "Hey there go the parents of that football player kid! or that Dancer kid! or the Class President!"), or if they see the child as a "mini me", so they're precariously living their own lives through the child. If the child's goals don't line up with their own goals for gain for themselves, they will not be supportive of that child, and may even reject, neglect, or abuse him or her.
In many cases, even a "favored/Golden Child" of a Narcissistic parent is neglected, or emotionally, verbally, or physically abused.
Narcissists ONLY do things in order to receive a reward, or only if they can't find a way out of a task or obligation, and they expect to always receive obvious rewards and positive feedback for any and everything they do that could be considered "positive", a "contribution", or for someone else. They often expect reward for NOT doing MEAN, inconsiderate, aggressive, or traitorous things as well, such as NOT cheating, NOT hitting, or NOT going out with their friends instead of coming home. ( "You should be grateful that I'm not one of those ..... who beats their spouse / gets wasted every night / beats their kids / takes their spouse's money / sleeps around... etc.")
They expect to get REWARDED for not behaving like a complete psycho, and they expect their kids, spouse, and others close to them to even put them on a pedestal for their refraining from horrible behaviors. And as if they would EVER do anything like that for their spouse or their kids.
They want all the rewards, understanding, sympathy, empathy, and praise they can get for the smallest things, but GIVING any of that, even for wonderful and great accomplishments or help from others is nearly impossible for them (unless they see a reward in it).
Taking accountability for their own behavior and actions, and especially taking responsibility for a mistake or for doing something wrong does not typically result in a tangible REWARD, so Narcissists tend to RAIL AGAINST doing these things. Anything that does not result in a positive reward is avoided and protested against, and anything that might bring some kind of "negative" result, no matter how trivial the consequence would be, is often RAILED and REBELLED AGAINST with PASSION by a Narcissist.
~~~ I was witness to a problem in a small parking lot where three cars were trying to leave, but they had accidentally blocked one another in. Someone needed to move in order to untie the little knot they had created. One person said to their companion, one of the drivers, "Back your car up, then they'll be able to get out." Not with an attitude or negative tone, it was just a neutrally-toned statement. Their friend, the driver, shot back with a blistering tone "I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT!"
Doing something that needed to be done, just because it needed to be done, regardless of who's "FAULT" something was!
Something so trivial as backing one's car up so another could get out actually caused the person to become RESENTFUL, DEFENSIVE, and ANGRY.
Things that they DEMAND from others and EXPECT from others as a matter of course are all things that Narcissists often have a hard time doing at all, never mind doing them without reward.
Narcissists may VOLUNTARILY GIVE others or a target a gift, or a favor, but only when THEY INITIATE IT, rarely when the target ASKS for it. Their form of "giving" allows them, in their minds, to remain in control, and still get the rewards of "giving", which includes a reputation of generosity.
Typically, they react to request from others according to WHO is asking, not according to their ability or capability to help, NOR according to the person's severity of need.
In other words, Narcissists would jump at the chance to "help out" a celebrity they liked, such as Brad Pitt, or Snoop Dog, or a "favorite" person they know even if the person was very wealthy, but would most likely RECOIL at fulfilling any request from someone who is NOT famous, wealthy, a local authority or hero figure, or favored by them, such as one of their non-favored children, their partner, or a friend or coworker whom they want to be superior to. Giving help, gifts, or favors to a celebrity, authority figure, or a favored person is an opportunity for the Narcissist to get a reward. Giving help to someone who's not famous, or who they have not put on a pedestal, means the only "reward" they might get is a thank you from this "non-important" person; no worldly recognition, no immediate gratification, no associated fame or notoriety, and no instant payback.
BESIDES, they typically don't like helping others whom they don't favor become LESS insecure, or feel MORE confident, safe, hopeful or successful, (unless the person's success is in their own interest).
That might help give the person more "power" and autonomy, and therefore be less anxious, less dependent, and less powerless.
A Narcissist will expect praise and positive reward, for instance, for giving a person a compliment about their appearance, or for praising a person for an excellent performance, or for giving them a small gift. They'll expect this reward and credit even if it's one compliment or gift in the middle of a sea of insults and criticisms, as if rewards are supposed to be given out as PAYMENT IN KIND, directly for a specific action, like money for a specific service.
"I complimented your hair, so you should pay me a reward, regardless of the way I've been treating you all day, all week."
They DO NOT connect their behavior to the overall "bigger picture", they tend to see each of their own actions as completely unrelated, separate incidents, irrelevant to one another.
Narcissists do NOT typically see their behavior as causing "problems" for other people. They tend to see others as causing ALL of their OWN problems, regardless of what they are, and regardless of external events (including their own actions).
In a severe case of Narcissism, for example, a Narcissist could puncture another person's tire with a knife and blame the person for "causing them to do it" by "making them mad".
Or they could KNOW that someone slashed a person's tire, and feel zero empathy, sympathy, or even a bit of pity for the person, blame the person for somehow "causing it" to happen, and then typically insult and criticize the person for "being unprepared" and "irresponsible" for not having a spare, or not being able to change their own tire.
(Because, after all, we all cause the behaviors of others... oh yes and everyone should expect their tires to get slashed on any given day, and be completely prepared for it...)
THEN, that same Narcissist could come back to that person a day or a week later, and act like nothing happened; treating the person like a "friend", and on top of that, fully expect to be REWARDED for treating the person like a "friend".
(As if normal, respectful, civil treatment is something that we all get reward and special recognition for.)
(In the case of a sociopathic Narcissist, however, they might be fully aware of the "bigger picture", of their own behavior, and the effects of their behavior. They may be doing it all on purpose. Not all Narcissistic people are sociopaths, not all abusive people are "Narcissists" or sociopaths, and not all sociopaths are "Narcissists". But sociopathic Narcissists can be quite dangerous.)
