Arrogance argues when it doesn't understand.
Humility listens longer, eager to learn what it was missing.
Relationship Conflict
Our relationships can be a source of great
joy, fulfillment, and support, or they can cause terrible pain and
become major obstacles in our lives. We tend to get caught up in the
swirling emotions whether they seem positive or negative, and whether we
are male or female, or young, old, or middle-aged. Most of us seem to
believe we are much more logical, aware, and rational, and much less
emotional and reactionary than we really
are, to boot. We all seem to think that we are the ones who are right,
innocent, and justified, and that we are the ones who deserve better
treatment, more consideration, and more attention.
What if one day we suddenly stopped trying to get more FROM others for ourselves? What if we could step out of time and space, and look at our relationships from the outside, like a scientist looking in from an observation window?
We can do that to a reasonable extent, if we have as much emotional and mental stability and logic as we seem to think we do.
We can ask ourselves certain questions about our own true intentions and motivations. We can ask ourselves questions about actual events, and about our behavior and words.
We can also ask ourselves about what the other person actually did, and what they really said.
We can ask ourselves if we honestly know all the "facts", or if we just assumed much of them (we humans usually assume much more than we actually know).
What we can NOT know is how the other person really felt, or what their intentions really were. We can NOT know WHY they did something, or did not do something. We can NOT know about their own feelings or thoughts unless they tell us out loud, directly, and THEY can NOT know what our feelings or thoughts are either, unless we TELL them directly.
Things to ask yourself when your relationship is in conflict:
1. What exactly was happening before the most recent conflict in my own life? Was I upset about anything else, anything else AT ALL, before the conflict happened?
2. Was the other person dealing with something else that may have upset them, anything AT ALL?
3. What was my real, true emotion? What was the very first feeling that I felt?
4. What were the actual events that transpired? Did I ask calmly and respectfully for more information, or did I jump to react to my emotion instead?
4. What am I really, actually trying to accomplish with this conflict? What goal do I have in mind? What is it that I'm trying to make happen?
(There is always a goal and a motivation, sometimes it just takes a moment of focus to see it in our own mind.)
5. Which person honestly began the conflict?
Which person turned their focus from information to emotion? From straightforwardness to deceit? From calm clarifying to assumption? From cooperation to control? From sharing points of view to domination? From action to reaction? From respect to disrespect?
From friendship to fault-finding, blaming, and shaming?
6. If someone I admire had done to me exactly what I had done, would I truly and honestly have not felt hurt or betrayed? Can I really say that?
7. If I was the one who did something deceitful, provoking, controlling, or hurtful, what exactly was my real motivation behind it?
8. Why would I be looking to hurt or deceive a person with whom I choose to be in contact with? Am I trying to prove something to myself? To them? To others? What?
9. If I feel compelled to do disrespectful or hostile things toward another person, why am I remaining in contact with them? What am I getting out of it? Is it right, noble, or good? If it's not, how have I come to this low point?
10. If someone is doing hostile and disrespectful things toward ME, why am I remaining in contact with them? What am I getting out of it? What is my motivation?
11. What have I honestly done to contribute to this person's well-being and improvement of their life and happiness? How often do I go out of my way to put their well-being and happiness above my own?
12. How far have I gone to prove that I was right and they were wrong? Did I have their well-being in mind when I was doing that?
13. Do I seriously believe it's okay to speak to them with aggression, hostility, and abusive language or physical displays? Why would I do that to another person?
14. Do I willingly and happily seek ways that I may have been wrong, or mistaken?
15. Is my real goal to restore peace, good will, and happiness for BOTH, not just for myself? Or am I just seeking a rush-feeling of vindication, retaliation, and triumph over another person?
16. Do I actually listen to the other person's point of view, or do I just believe I'm Sherlock Holmes and think I know everything about the other person's actions and motives without even trying to find out?
17. How do I react when the other person calmly asks me questions? Do I perceive any and all questions as accusations and attacks? (If so, I'm hiding something; what is it?)
18. Do I feel innately superior to this person, but I don't want them to figure it out so I can keep manipulating them?
19. What is my true intention with this relationship?
Is there a possibility that I really want to be the controlling person in this relationship?
Is there a possibility that I don't want to be committed or loyal to this person?
Might I have resentment toward this person that I didn't address?
Does this person remind me on some level of someone else, either someone I resent, or someone I admire?
Am I afraid of this person?
Am I using this person for loneliness relief?
Could I be using this person as a gopher, a sidekick, a little sister or brother, a work-horse, a crutch, a shield, a magnet?
Am I envious or jealous of this person; their charisma, their money, their looks, their family, their success, their intelligence, their talent, their possessions, their happiness, their friends?
Is there real truth in my heart, mind and soul that I have this person's well-being as my priority? Or is that really just something I tell them, and tell myself?
20. How much effort am I willing to put into this relationship, and do I expect the other person to contribute more than I do?
Do I honestly see one of us as more important than the other?
Do I really believe the other person is less capable than I am of contributing equally to the relationship?
Do I seriously feel entitled to receive more than I contribute?
WHY, on all counts?
21. How would the other person feel about my answers to these questions? How do I feel about my answers?
~If you have read through and answered all the way to the end, congratulations, and you may be well on your way to better boundaries, and better relationships. Conflict resolution skills are one of the keys to good relationships between human beings, and those skills are useless if we are not using them inside the realm of honesty. Honesty with ourselves, and honesty with others. If someone is not being honest with us, it is our responsibility to ourselves to strengthen our boundaries and remain aware and alert. And we need to keep in mind that hostility is not necessary in a healthy environment, ever, but truly caring about the well-being of all, for real, is absolutely essential.
We don't have the "right" to lash out at another when we feel pain, fear, or betrayal. But we do have the right to ask for more information, in order to clarify events, thoughts, and feelings. And we should always ask ourselves all of these things as well.
What if one day we suddenly stopped trying to get more FROM others for ourselves? What if we could step out of time and space, and look at our relationships from the outside, like a scientist looking in from an observation window?
We can do that to a reasonable extent, if we have as much emotional and mental stability and logic as we seem to think we do.
We can ask ourselves certain questions about our own true intentions and motivations. We can ask ourselves questions about actual events, and about our behavior and words.
We can also ask ourselves about what the other person actually did, and what they really said.
We can ask ourselves if we honestly know all the "facts", or if we just assumed much of them (we humans usually assume much more than we actually know).
What we can NOT know is how the other person really felt, or what their intentions really were. We can NOT know WHY they did something, or did not do something. We can NOT know about their own feelings or thoughts unless they tell us out loud, directly, and THEY can NOT know what our feelings or thoughts are either, unless we TELL them directly.
Things to ask yourself when your relationship is in conflict:
1. What exactly was happening before the most recent conflict in my own life? Was I upset about anything else, anything else AT ALL, before the conflict happened?
2. Was the other person dealing with something else that may have upset them, anything AT ALL?
3. What was my real, true emotion? What was the very first feeling that I felt?
4. What were the actual events that transpired? Did I ask calmly and respectfully for more information, or did I jump to react to my emotion instead?
4. What am I really, actually trying to accomplish with this conflict? What goal do I have in mind? What is it that I'm trying to make happen?
(There is always a goal and a motivation, sometimes it just takes a moment of focus to see it in our own mind.)
5. Which person honestly began the conflict?
Which person turned their focus from information to emotion? From straightforwardness to deceit? From calm clarifying to assumption? From cooperation to control? From sharing points of view to domination? From action to reaction? From respect to disrespect?
From friendship to fault-finding, blaming, and shaming?
6. If someone I admire had done to me exactly what I had done, would I truly and honestly have not felt hurt or betrayed? Can I really say that?
7. If I was the one who did something deceitful, provoking, controlling, or hurtful, what exactly was my real motivation behind it?
8. Why would I be looking to hurt or deceive a person with whom I choose to be in contact with? Am I trying to prove something to myself? To them? To others? What?
9. If I feel compelled to do disrespectful or hostile things toward another person, why am I remaining in contact with them? What am I getting out of it? Is it right, noble, or good? If it's not, how have I come to this low point?
10. If someone is doing hostile and disrespectful things toward ME, why am I remaining in contact with them? What am I getting out of it? What is my motivation?
11. What have I honestly done to contribute to this person's well-being and improvement of their life and happiness? How often do I go out of my way to put their well-being and happiness above my own?
12. How far have I gone to prove that I was right and they were wrong? Did I have their well-being in mind when I was doing that?
13. Do I seriously believe it's okay to speak to them with aggression, hostility, and abusive language or physical displays? Why would I do that to another person?
14. Do I willingly and happily seek ways that I may have been wrong, or mistaken?
15. Is my real goal to restore peace, good will, and happiness for BOTH, not just for myself? Or am I just seeking a rush-feeling of vindication, retaliation, and triumph over another person?
16. Do I actually listen to the other person's point of view, or do I just believe I'm Sherlock Holmes and think I know everything about the other person's actions and motives without even trying to find out?
17. How do I react when the other person calmly asks me questions? Do I perceive any and all questions as accusations and attacks? (If so, I'm hiding something; what is it?)
18. Do I feel innately superior to this person, but I don't want them to figure it out so I can keep manipulating them?
19. What is my true intention with this relationship?
Is there a possibility that I really want to be the controlling person in this relationship?
Is there a possibility that I don't want to be committed or loyal to this person?
Might I have resentment toward this person that I didn't address?
Does this person remind me on some level of someone else, either someone I resent, or someone I admire?
Am I afraid of this person?
Am I using this person for loneliness relief?
Could I be using this person as a gopher, a sidekick, a little sister or brother, a work-horse, a crutch, a shield, a magnet?
Am I envious or jealous of this person; their charisma, their money, their looks, their family, their success, their intelligence, their talent, their possessions, their happiness, their friends?
Is there real truth in my heart, mind and soul that I have this person's well-being as my priority? Or is that really just something I tell them, and tell myself?
20. How much effort am I willing to put into this relationship, and do I expect the other person to contribute more than I do?
Do I honestly see one of us as more important than the other?
Do I really believe the other person is less capable than I am of contributing equally to the relationship?
Do I seriously feel entitled to receive more than I contribute?
WHY, on all counts?
21. How would the other person feel about my answers to these questions? How do I feel about my answers?
~If you have read through and answered all the way to the end, congratulations, and you may be well on your way to better boundaries, and better relationships. Conflict resolution skills are one of the keys to good relationships between human beings, and those skills are useless if we are not using them inside the realm of honesty. Honesty with ourselves, and honesty with others. If someone is not being honest with us, it is our responsibility to ourselves to strengthen our boundaries and remain aware and alert. And we need to keep in mind that hostility is not necessary in a healthy environment, ever, but truly caring about the well-being of all, for real, is absolutely essential.
We don't have the "right" to lash out at another when we feel pain, fear, or betrayal. But we do have the right to ask for more information, in order to clarify events, thoughts, and feelings. And we should always ask ourselves all of these things as well.
Don't Dim Your Light
"Don't dim your light because someone else complains you're shining in their eyes. Ignite. Set your soul on fire."
~S. Sonnon
"Why are you even wasting your time with this hobby? It's not like you're ever going to become a champion. You don't even have enough money to get a real teacher. You're not going to figure it out on your own reading books and practicing by yourself. And let's be honest: you're not the most genetically gifted person. Shouldn't you just accept what you're really capable of and make the best out of the hand you've been dealt?"
"The words of a former close friend burned deeply, as I stood at my beginning. In his mind, he was being a critical realist because he cared. And I truly believe that he did have my best interests in mind. He was wrong to let his fears cloud his words, but he did care.
"Twenty five years later, I'd be voted one of the 6 most influential martial artists of the century for sharing the lessons along my journey to find great teachers, who allowed me to see my true potential in the clear reflection of their lucid waters. If I had never started, if I had given up anywhere along the way, I would not have been able to surround myself with those who would lift me up toward my own dreams, rather than hold me down under their own fears. More importantly, I would not have had the opportunity to let my teachers insights influence so many through my writing and speaking.
"Don't let someone make your sky into a ceiling. Climb and soar. You are only confined by the walls you have been building for yourself. You decide when you've had enough growth, success and abundance. Only you. Don't let others blame your situation on family, friends, genetics, government, enemy, job, boss, skills, money, geography, or condition. Blame darkens. Accountability illuminates. Don't dim your light because someone else complains you're shining in their eyes. Ignite. Set your soul on fire.
"The more, through their choices, others drift from their own truth, or the longer their fears keep them ignorant of it, the more they will hate you for speaking yours; the more they will try to hurt you for doing what they're afraid to do; and the more they'll try to climb over each other, like crabs in a bucket, when they see you escape your self-imposed limitations. Others will broadcast your failures yet whisper your triumphs. Listen to your internal signal, not the external noise.
"Live by choice, not chance. Make changes, not excuses. Be motivated, not manipulated; useful not used. Have self-esteem, not self-pity. Share autonomy through accountability, and freedom through personal responsibility, not confinement by blame and enslavement by self-entitlement. Don't let others ensnare you into wearing the cynical countenance with which they've insulated their perception of their own potential. Emancipate yourself with the courage to go ALL the way absolutely alone, if you must. And everyone will benefit from your example; for the success of one us realizing their dreams, benefits all of us realizing our own.
very respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon
www.positiveatmosphere.com
~S. Sonnon
"Why are you even wasting your time with this hobby? It's not like you're ever going to become a champion. You don't even have enough money to get a real teacher. You're not going to figure it out on your own reading books and practicing by yourself. And let's be honest: you're not the most genetically gifted person. Shouldn't you just accept what you're really capable of and make the best out of the hand you've been dealt?"
"The words of a former close friend burned deeply, as I stood at my beginning. In his mind, he was being a critical realist because he cared. And I truly believe that he did have my best interests in mind. He was wrong to let his fears cloud his words, but he did care.
"Twenty five years later, I'd be voted one of the 6 most influential martial artists of the century for sharing the lessons along my journey to find great teachers, who allowed me to see my true potential in the clear reflection of their lucid waters. If I had never started, if I had given up anywhere along the way, I would not have been able to surround myself with those who would lift me up toward my own dreams, rather than hold me down under their own fears. More importantly, I would not have had the opportunity to let my teachers insights influence so many through my writing and speaking.
"Don't let someone make your sky into a ceiling. Climb and soar. You are only confined by the walls you have been building for yourself. You decide when you've had enough growth, success and abundance. Only you. Don't let others blame your situation on family, friends, genetics, government, enemy, job, boss, skills, money, geography, or condition. Blame darkens. Accountability illuminates. Don't dim your light because someone else complains you're shining in their eyes. Ignite. Set your soul on fire.
"The more, through their choices, others drift from their own truth, or the longer their fears keep them ignorant of it, the more they will hate you for speaking yours; the more they will try to hurt you for doing what they're afraid to do; and the more they'll try to climb over each other, like crabs in a bucket, when they see you escape your self-imposed limitations. Others will broadcast your failures yet whisper your triumphs. Listen to your internal signal, not the external noise.
"Live by choice, not chance. Make changes, not excuses. Be motivated, not manipulated; useful not used. Have self-esteem, not self-pity. Share autonomy through accountability, and freedom through personal responsibility, not confinement by blame and enslavement by self-entitlement. Don't let others ensnare you into wearing the cynical countenance with which they've insulated their perception of their own potential. Emancipate yourself with the courage to go ALL the way absolutely alone, if you must. And everyone will benefit from your example; for the success of one us realizing their dreams, benefits all of us realizing our own.
very respectfully,
Scott Sonnon
www.facebook.com/ScottSonnon
www.positiveatmosphere.com
Our Self-Awareness
Sharks, crocodiles and insects react to the world according to their feelings.
If they feel hungry, they eat whatever or whoever they find.
If they feel amorous, they mate with whoever is nearby and accessible.
If they feel threatened, they attack or run away, regardless of whether the "threat" is real. There is no remorse or thought about the damage they inflict on others. There is no thought about the other's well-being at all. There is no hesitation, no double-checking. No doubt that their attack is justified or that their perception is accurate. They do not ask questions or wonder if they interpreted the situation correctly. They will turn on the one they were just nesting with or mating with in an instant, with no remorse.
We are not entitled to treat others according to our emotional reactions, unless we have turned in our Sentience status.
We can be self-aware, or we can relinquish that self-awareness and be like sharks, crocodiles and insects, believing everything we say and do is fine just because we felt compelled to do it, paying no attention to the damage we inflict on others, feeling justified in all of our actions and reactions.
When we choose to relinquish our awareness and responsibility of our own actions, and abandon trying to understand where others are coming from, and abandon the purposeful cultivation of our relationships, we are no longer "above" them, and are just as much of a threat to harmonious life as they are.
Hating Happiness: Another Sign Of Narcissism
Another overt sign of Narcissism is a
compulsion to ruin any kind of positivity in a target's life. If a
Narcissist sees their target with a happy face, or hears a happy tone in
their voice, it is a trigger to cause some kind of distraction and
wreck the positive feelings. The only time a Narcissist might not do
that is when they are sure that they are the one who "made" the target
happy. But even then, they still might
react to the trigger. Anything positive at all in a target's life that
can be perceived by the Narcissist can be a trigger for them to insert
themselves and then ruin it. An accomplishment, a financial windfall, a
good job, a new car, a good friendship, a new business connection or
opportunity. Credit, praise or attention from others for something the
target did. If the target might be perceived by others as funny, smart,
talented, or attractive. Even a joke that the target laughs at, a
television show the target enjoys, or a musician that brings the target
inspiration and joy. Even a task that the target has taken on that could
increase the target's self-confidence, even if just for a moment.
Anything at all that the Narcissist believes to be something that will
bring the target positivity in their life, and any time the target
expresses happiness, joy, confidence, or celebration is a trigger.
The Narcissist will often try to SHAME the target for whatever it is, or they will put down whatever it is, or actually try to remove the thing or person from the target's life. Narcissists are driven to cause their target humiliation, self-doubt, anxiety and fear in order to maintain their own feeling of control over the target. They have a hair trigger, and can go from "Happy Happy Joy Joy" to "You ought to be ashamed!!!" in a nanosecond. The effect on the target can range from confusion to serious trauma that can result in mental and emotional illness, including suicidal ideation. And there are plenty of Narcissists who would actually find pleasure in their target committing suicide, since that would bring them all kinds of sympathy and attention, and give them even more reason to gossip about their target to fellow Narcissists. So don't think for a minute that a Narcissist would stop their abusive behavior just because their target feels suicidal.
The Narcissist will often try to SHAME the target for whatever it is, or they will put down whatever it is, or actually try to remove the thing or person from the target's life. Narcissists are driven to cause their target humiliation, self-doubt, anxiety and fear in order to maintain their own feeling of control over the target. They have a hair trigger, and can go from "Happy Happy Joy Joy" to "You ought to be ashamed!!!" in a nanosecond. The effect on the target can range from confusion to serious trauma that can result in mental and emotional illness, including suicidal ideation. And there are plenty of Narcissists who would actually find pleasure in their target committing suicide, since that would bring them all kinds of sympathy and attention, and give them even more reason to gossip about their target to fellow Narcissists. So don't think for a minute that a Narcissist would stop their abusive behavior just because their target feels suicidal.
Too Busy, Too Important; Pride Goeth Before A Fall
 |
| Adult, Mentoring And Guiding Youths |
The society will fall when they believe themselves too busy to mentor the youth.
It begins with status. When they create a hierarchy among themselves, they will then separate the children by the status they have labeled the parents with. The Lords will refuse to mentor the peasants' children, and the peasants will refuse to mentor the Lords' children. Their disdain for one another will grow to such arrogance that they will no longer have the self-control to keep the children out of their pettiness.
From there, they will then further separate the children by their race. The Lords with dark skin will refuse to mentor the children of the Lords with light skin, and vice versa. And the peasants with light skin will refuse to mentor the children of the peasants with dark skin, and vice versa.
Then in their foolishness, they will separate the children by gender. They will teach, guide, and apprentice only one gender in the trades and skills of the world, and deny their mentoring to the other, to increase even further their illusion of supremacy and inferiority.
Their increasing lust for superiority over others will cause them to separate the children even further, by anything at all that they can find. Hair color, height, body type, eye color, the music they listen to, even the clothes on their back.
They will refuse to mentor, care for, or pay attention to any youth but their own kin. And then, only their own children whom they favor.
At the end, when their arrogance has all but consumed them, they will simply refuse to mentor any youth at all, and insist that it is because they do not have the time or the resources. When the youth have no mentors, no steady guiding hands or voices, and no one to have their backs in the world because the adults have decided that mentoring is a burden, those will be the last days.
Ego: Healthy vs. Unhealthy
Identity is the natural seat of the ego. When the ego is injured in some way it becomes inflamed, like an injury to the skin will. A healthy ego develops and learns over time, and does the essential job of self-protection, self-awareness, and self-care. But when a healthy ego sustains repeated injury in childhood and is not allowed to heal (often due to the same neglect and/or abuse that injured it in the first place), it remains wounded and painful. The child grows up anyway, but has to compensate for the wounds with defensive behavior. A "swollen" identity can develop as a defense-mechanism, instead of a healthy identity.
Instead of the person identifying themselves internally as a "human being" just like everyone else, they can take on an outer identity. They use it like a shield, and protect it with social (or literal) weaponry.
The person who has a healthy identity of "human being" can learn and develop many skills, and still retain their identity of their original "ME". That original "ME" grows, learns, and develops, but does not change into an external identity.
In other words, Ben is still Ben whether he learns to paint houses, do accounting, pass the bar exam, or play the flute, because his ego is healthy. He does not change his identity into an image he has in his head of "House Painter", or "Accountant", "Lawyer", or "Floutist". He does not take on the personality traits or beliefs of other people in those fields. He remains "Ben", regardless of the people he's around.
If Ben's ego was not healthy, his inner identity of "self" would seek outside help to create an image to present to the world. This image would be used to protect Joe from the hostility in the world, and also serve as a "brand" or a "sign" that Ben can stand behind.
(Big business uses this tactic every day, from band-aids to celebrity images).
So Ben with the unhealthy ego may create an image/identity for himself as "Housepainter", and "Man", or "Man" first and "Housepainter" second, or he may combine the two. When he does this, he has to take on the traits that other people identify as "Man" or "Housepainter". This means he can lose his own real identity in the chaos of trying to turn himself into something that's not naturally "Ben". He's no longer "Ben" who happens to be a man and paints houses, he is "Ben The Manly Housepainter", which may sound "cool", but being trapped inside a created identity is truly a trap. "Ben The Manly Housepainter" must remain inside that identity and never show anything else if he does not want to be rejected by those who have bought into the image. (If there was no one who callously and abusively rejected Ben in the first place through the years, he would not have felt the need to develop this external identity in order to protect himself.)
When Ben has taken on an external identity, he then becomes competitive with others whom he perceives as having a similar image-identity. So he feels threatened by Dave, who's "Man" image has more "Man" traits then Ben's. Ben does not like Dave for this reason alone, not because Dave has ever done anything wrong to him. Joe feels threatened by the fear that OTHER PEOPLE will see Dave as more of a "Man". It doesn't matter if Dave is creating this image purposely, like Ben is doing, or if he has a healthier ego and simply shows his real "self". Ben will feel threatened either way, and in fact will probably feel more threatened if he perceives that Dave is just being himself.
Ben with the unhealthy ego, with the external identities of "Man" and "Housepainter" is also threatened by Sally with the healthy ego, who also paints houses. Sally is a kind, warm, intelligent person, but Ben "can't stand her". He blames her for his feelings, he says she is a Know It All, that she's a bitch, that she complains all the time, and that she thinks she's better than everyone.
Reality is that Ben has identified "Housepainter" and "Man" together, and part of his identity as "Man" is also "NOT WOMAN". Sally being able to paint houses derails the identity he has created for himself.
Ben has bought into a pre-adolescent stage that supposes that "boys know more than girls about certain things automatically"; because of his ego being wounded around that stage of development in his life. He is stuck there, and he doesn't know it. So when he developed his external identity as "Man" for the world to see him as, he incorporated that child's belief as well. When he met Sally, he was immediately struck by a feeling of threat; if this woman could paint houses just like he can, then that ruins the whole "Man/Housepainter" identity, and it feels like his own identity is being attacked. Which of course, it isn't, his real "self", the original "Ben", is underneath and behind this constructed "Man/Housepainter" identity. But he doesn't realize this, and blames Sally for his feelings of being attacked.
Ben condescends and challenges Sally every chance he gets; he is trying to bully her enough to make her either go away, or give up painting houses. He talks at her, through her, and over her to other people on the project; he treats her like a child who is in the way, and sabotages her work, and tries to sabotage any friendships she seems to have as well as her reputation. He is trying to prove to himself, to Sally, and to everyone else (especially everyone else) that he is superior to her, that he is a REAL Housepainter and she's not, and trying desperately to reassert his identity as "Man-Housepainter" to everyone around them. (Sally, in the meantime, is just trying to do her job and make a living, while having to defend herself against Ben's drama at every turn.) If Ben with the HEALTHY ego, who paints houses, showed up, he would be pleased to meet a kindred spirit who was also good at housepainting, and would not even think to condescend at all, but would want to share experiences, stories, and tips and tricks of the trade with Sally. He would not feel anything at all about Sally being a woman and painting houses, except maybe a breath of fresh air, since he does not know very many female house painters. He would get to know Sally as a warm, friendly, intelligent person, and probably become friends with her.
Instead of the person identifying themselves internally as a "human being" just like everyone else, they can take on an outer identity. They use it like a shield, and protect it with social (or literal) weaponry.
The person who has a healthy identity of "human being" can learn and develop many skills, and still retain their identity of their original "ME". That original "ME" grows, learns, and develops, but does not change into an external identity.
In other words, Ben is still Ben whether he learns to paint houses, do accounting, pass the bar exam, or play the flute, because his ego is healthy. He does not change his identity into an image he has in his head of "House Painter", or "Accountant", "Lawyer", or "Floutist". He does not take on the personality traits or beliefs of other people in those fields. He remains "Ben", regardless of the people he's around.
If Ben's ego was not healthy, his inner identity of "self" would seek outside help to create an image to present to the world. This image would be used to protect Joe from the hostility in the world, and also serve as a "brand" or a "sign" that Ben can stand behind.
(Big business uses this tactic every day, from band-aids to celebrity images).
So Ben with the unhealthy ego may create an image/identity for himself as "Housepainter", and "Man", or "Man" first and "Housepainter" second, or he may combine the two. When he does this, he has to take on the traits that other people identify as "Man" or "Housepainter". This means he can lose his own real identity in the chaos of trying to turn himself into something that's not naturally "Ben". He's no longer "Ben" who happens to be a man and paints houses, he is "Ben The Manly Housepainter", which may sound "cool", but being trapped inside a created identity is truly a trap. "Ben The Manly Housepainter" must remain inside that identity and never show anything else if he does not want to be rejected by those who have bought into the image. (If there was no one who callously and abusively rejected Ben in the first place through the years, he would not have felt the need to develop this external identity in order to protect himself.)
When Ben has taken on an external identity, he then becomes competitive with others whom he perceives as having a similar image-identity. So he feels threatened by Dave, who's "Man" image has more "Man" traits then Ben's. Ben does not like Dave for this reason alone, not because Dave has ever done anything wrong to him. Joe feels threatened by the fear that OTHER PEOPLE will see Dave as more of a "Man". It doesn't matter if Dave is creating this image purposely, like Ben is doing, or if he has a healthier ego and simply shows his real "self". Ben will feel threatened either way, and in fact will probably feel more threatened if he perceives that Dave is just being himself.
Ben with the unhealthy ego, with the external identities of "Man" and "Housepainter" is also threatened by Sally with the healthy ego, who also paints houses. Sally is a kind, warm, intelligent person, but Ben "can't stand her". He blames her for his feelings, he says she is a Know It All, that she's a bitch, that she complains all the time, and that she thinks she's better than everyone.
Reality is that Ben has identified "Housepainter" and "Man" together, and part of his identity as "Man" is also "NOT WOMAN". Sally being able to paint houses derails the identity he has created for himself.
Ben has bought into a pre-adolescent stage that supposes that "boys know more than girls about certain things automatically"; because of his ego being wounded around that stage of development in his life. He is stuck there, and he doesn't know it. So when he developed his external identity as "Man" for the world to see him as, he incorporated that child's belief as well. When he met Sally, he was immediately struck by a feeling of threat; if this woman could paint houses just like he can, then that ruins the whole "Man/Housepainter" identity, and it feels like his own identity is being attacked. Which of course, it isn't, his real "self", the original "Ben", is underneath and behind this constructed "Man/Housepainter" identity. But he doesn't realize this, and blames Sally for his feelings of being attacked.
Ben condescends and challenges Sally every chance he gets; he is trying to bully her enough to make her either go away, or give up painting houses. He talks at her, through her, and over her to other people on the project; he treats her like a child who is in the way, and sabotages her work, and tries to sabotage any friendships she seems to have as well as her reputation. He is trying to prove to himself, to Sally, and to everyone else (especially everyone else) that he is superior to her, that he is a REAL Housepainter and she's not, and trying desperately to reassert his identity as "Man-Housepainter" to everyone around them. (Sally, in the meantime, is just trying to do her job and make a living, while having to defend herself against Ben's drama at every turn.) If Ben with the HEALTHY ego, who paints houses, showed up, he would be pleased to meet a kindred spirit who was also good at housepainting, and would not even think to condescend at all, but would want to share experiences, stories, and tips and tricks of the trade with Sally. He would not feel anything at all about Sally being a woman and painting houses, except maybe a breath of fresh air, since he does not know very many female house painters. He would get to know Sally as a warm, friendly, intelligent person, and probably become friends with her.
Partner Is Jealous And Possessive But Flirts
Number one obvious Controller trait: A
"partner" who is openly jealous of anyone their partner speaks to of the
opposite sex, even to the point of anger and drama, but has zero regard
for their partner's feelings about people of the opposite sex that they
associate with.
~ If you're a woman, you can't be friends with "hot guys", (men your partner thinks are "eligible", that is, regardless of your own opinion), even if you've known the guy your whole life. (If you're a man, just reverse all the genders in this post, the basic behavior is pretty much the same, with variations according to the individual.) Your Controller partner has no qualms about making false accusations about your relationships, about humiliating you, about demanding that you sever your most platonic friendships. But he has absolutely no tolerance for ANY expression of insecurity from YOU, and even if you calmly ask a question about a female associate (normal information gathering, part of a healthy relationship), he becomes angry, and accuses you of acting like a control freak or like you're "out of line". He associates with all kinds of women, regardless of how they behave toward him, and regardless of how they treat YOU. The more physically attractive, the better.
The only things that might cross his mind about you, when it comes to these other women, might be satisfaction that you might feel jealous, or that he's acquired a new female who's "hotter than you".
In fact, if the partner is a Narcissist, he might LIKE it when a beautiful woman pays attention to HIM, and disrespects YOU. That woman will probably be at the top of his list. You'll notice he doesn't care if these women treat you, or your couplehood, with any respect at all. (To a Narcissist, there is no "relationship", there's just steps on a ladder to "hottest chick in the world", whom he will never find, since any new woman is always "hotter" than the last, until he gets used to her, then she'll be old news too~ but he doesn't understand this about his own mind). By the time this behavior is showing itself, he's already devalued you, and likes it when other people devalue you along with him.
(Thank you B.D. for your comment )
~ If you're a woman, you can't be friends with "hot guys", (men your partner thinks are "eligible", that is, regardless of your own opinion), even if you've known the guy your whole life. (If you're a man, just reverse all the genders in this post, the basic behavior is pretty much the same, with variations according to the individual.) Your Controller partner has no qualms about making false accusations about your relationships, about humiliating you, about demanding that you sever your most platonic friendships. But he has absolutely no tolerance for ANY expression of insecurity from YOU, and even if you calmly ask a question about a female associate (normal information gathering, part of a healthy relationship), he becomes angry, and accuses you of acting like a control freak or like you're "out of line". He associates with all kinds of women, regardless of how they behave toward him, and regardless of how they treat YOU. The more physically attractive, the better.
The only things that might cross his mind about you, when it comes to these other women, might be satisfaction that you might feel jealous, or that he's acquired a new female who's "hotter than you".
In fact, if the partner is a Narcissist, he might LIKE it when a beautiful woman pays attention to HIM, and disrespects YOU. That woman will probably be at the top of his list. You'll notice he doesn't care if these women treat you, or your couplehood, with any respect at all. (To a Narcissist, there is no "relationship", there's just steps on a ladder to "hottest chick in the world", whom he will never find, since any new woman is always "hotter" than the last, until he gets used to her, then she'll be old news too~ but he doesn't understand this about his own mind). By the time this behavior is showing itself, he's already devalued you, and likes it when other people devalue you along with him.
(Thank you B.D. for your comment )
What Did You Just Say?
We humans only allow ourselves to learn from
and hear the points of view of those we don't already judge to be "lower
status" than ourselves.
In other words, first we judge another person as "lower", "equal to", or "above" ourselves, and then we listen or don't listen to them based on that judgment.
A large number of us will only learn from and listen to those we have judged as "above".
Some of us will learn from and listen to those we have judged as "equal" to ourselves.
MOST of us will block out out anyone whom we have judged to be "lower" than ourselves. We even become indignant or annoyed when someone we have judged as "lower" speaks of their experiences, or shares their knowledge or point of view, or even behaves confidently.
Few people are even aware of their own judging for status, and few are able to get past this compulsion and are able to hear and listen to others objectively.
We also hide it from others when we're not sure how they are judging the person we're listening to. If we're worried that our group judges a person to be "lower", then we are often too afraid of their judging US by association. So for example on Facebook, we will see one person's posts with many "likes", regardless of the content of the post, and another's with very few "likes", even if the post is very interesting or informative. We want to be seen as like-minded to our group, so they'll keep accepting us, so we hit "like" when other people do, and avoid hitting "like" when other people have not. We don't want our friends to see us associating with, listening to, or agreeing with someone who they might be judging as "lower" or "weird" or "uncool". Most of us are really quite the followers, and are much more afraid of our group's judgments than we admit.
The ways in which we judge others are usually very primitive, and mostly nonsensical, based on superficial markers we have set in our subconscious. If we could see just how primitive and baseless most of our "judging" really is, and how far away from logic and reality, we would probably feel quite embarrassed.
In other words, first we judge another person as "lower", "equal to", or "above" ourselves, and then we listen or don't listen to them based on that judgment.
A large number of us will only learn from and listen to those we have judged as "above".
Some of us will learn from and listen to those we have judged as "equal" to ourselves.
MOST of us will block out out anyone whom we have judged to be "lower" than ourselves. We even become indignant or annoyed when someone we have judged as "lower" speaks of their experiences, or shares their knowledge or point of view, or even behaves confidently.
Few people are even aware of their own judging for status, and few are able to get past this compulsion and are able to hear and listen to others objectively.
We also hide it from others when we're not sure how they are judging the person we're listening to. If we're worried that our group judges a person to be "lower", then we are often too afraid of their judging US by association. So for example on Facebook, we will see one person's posts with many "likes", regardless of the content of the post, and another's with very few "likes", even if the post is very interesting or informative. We want to be seen as like-minded to our group, so they'll keep accepting us, so we hit "like" when other people do, and avoid hitting "like" when other people have not. We don't want our friends to see us associating with, listening to, or agreeing with someone who they might be judging as "lower" or "weird" or "uncool". Most of us are really quite the followers, and are much more afraid of our group's judgments than we admit.
The ways in which we judge others are usually very primitive, and mostly nonsensical, based on superficial markers we have set in our subconscious. If we could see just how primitive and baseless most of our "judging" really is, and how far away from logic and reality, we would probably feel quite embarrassed.
High Expectations Of Others In Narcissism
Q: "Why do narcissists expect such high levels
of tolerance for their behavior from others? Especially when their
tolerance for others is way below healthy levels?"
A: "Many people who developed narcissistic tendencies are just acting out what was modeled to them in childhood, like most people do. When a child watches an older relative regularly blow up or treat others with disdain, disrespect, and arrogance, or even abuse, he or she is being taught that this behavior is within the bounds of "normal". When this older relative's behavior is tolerated by adults, the child is being taught that "unconditional love" means "Tolerance of abusive, disrespectful, grandiose behavior". They are also taught this when they are the ones expected to tolerate the behavior toward themselves from this person.
It is completely normal for a human child to learn how humans behave from the adults around him or her. If the child sees a person acting like a disrespectful, abusive, spoiled King or Queen, and getting away with it, it often looks to the child like THAT is the behavior to mimic in order to be treated well and have a secure place in the family, or in the community. The child of course wants to be seen as the highest possible status when he or she grows up, and if the "head of the family" rules over everyone like a bratty schoolyard bully, then that's what the child sees as how the "head of the family" is supposed to behave.
Also, the person or people who display this behavior and get away with it might be a sibling, an uncle or an aunt, a grandparent, a cousin, or even a friend of the family. When everyone is tolerating untoward behavior from a person, it looks to a child that this person is held in higher regard than everyone else, that this person has a higher status, and is respected more. It would easily make sense to a child that mimicking this person's behavior would cause everyone to give him or her the same special treatment.
The child is also being taught that it's NORMAL to have a hierarchy within the family like a Gorilla Troupe. All it takes is for the child to watch this person behaving this way and not receive appropriate consequences for them to get the impression that it's "okay" to act this way. They often even come to believe that "mastering" this behavior is an indication of Coming of Age, of becoming a Real Man or a Real Woman. Whoever throws their weight around the most to get their way, and GETS their way, looks to a child like a powerful person. Children do not yet know the difference between entitled, spoiled, bully behavior and strength, confidence, and respect.
When this belief is formed early from this modeling, the child may internalize it so much that he or she does not see that it is not his or her own identity. The child may believe that this behavior is actually the way they should act, and that anyone who opposes their behavior or stands up to them is putting them down, disrespecting THEM, and trying to SHAME THEM for "Who They Are".
Basically, the child was taught to expect tolerance FROM others no matter what, and that means the others love and respect him or her. They were also taught that treating others with condescension and DISrespect is their right and privilege as one of the "Real" or "Elite People" like they saw the abusive person as.
Even being put on a pedestal and treated like a Golden Child, above others, is a form of abuse; the child is not taught any bearings on reality, the child is not given real mirroring as a real person, and does not feel like he or she belongs in the world. It also pits others against the child, making the child even more isolated.
It is important to understand that any child who grew up with an abusive person or persons in their lives was a victim of abuse whether they developed narcissistic tendencies or not. This means their natural boundaries were probably torn down, and they had to compensate and cope without them in place. Our boundaries are what allow us to cope with day to day challenges, trials and tribulations, other people's behavior, and with large scale problems as well. Without intact boundaries, when abuse and trauma have damaged them, we humans feel buffeted and beaten by life. People develop all kinds of coping mechanisms and skills to get through life without intact boundaries, including displaying aggression, building walls, self-destruction, becoming submissive, or arrogance and entitlement. It can be compared in a physical way to skin; if a person's skin was damaged, they would protect themselves by covering it with something, keeping people away, telling people they need to be extra-aware of them so they don't hurt their damaged skin, expecting people to treat them with extra care, and going to higher ground to be above the fray, to avoid injury. A person may also take something regularly to ease the pain. If they healed the damaged skin back to full health, they would not need to do any of those things, and would live life without so much worry, expectation of others, and self-protection.
It is a tragic scenario, a child being modeled entitled, abusive, narcissistic behavior as "Adult Behavior", but there is hope for the adult child to heal completely if they can grasp the concept of humility and healing. Since it's common for Narcissists to teach a child a false concept of humility, that it's the same as submission to others and destruction of self-worth, the person would need to RELEARN the real definition of humility. Also if they can grasp the concept that they don't have to reject and hate the person(s) who modeled the behavior, that they don't have to be ashamed of the person or of themselves in order to feel remorse, guilt, or love for themselves and others, then healing can begin.
A: "Many people who developed narcissistic tendencies are just acting out what was modeled to them in childhood, like most people do. When a child watches an older relative regularly blow up or treat others with disdain, disrespect, and arrogance, or even abuse, he or she is being taught that this behavior is within the bounds of "normal". When this older relative's behavior is tolerated by adults, the child is being taught that "unconditional love" means "Tolerance of abusive, disrespectful, grandiose behavior". They are also taught this when they are the ones expected to tolerate the behavior toward themselves from this person.
It is completely normal for a human child to learn how humans behave from the adults around him or her. If the child sees a person acting like a disrespectful, abusive, spoiled King or Queen, and getting away with it, it often looks to the child like THAT is the behavior to mimic in order to be treated well and have a secure place in the family, or in the community. The child of course wants to be seen as the highest possible status when he or she grows up, and if the "head of the family" rules over everyone like a bratty schoolyard bully, then that's what the child sees as how the "head of the family" is supposed to behave.
Also, the person or people who display this behavior and get away with it might be a sibling, an uncle or an aunt, a grandparent, a cousin, or even a friend of the family. When everyone is tolerating untoward behavior from a person, it looks to a child that this person is held in higher regard than everyone else, that this person has a higher status, and is respected more. It would easily make sense to a child that mimicking this person's behavior would cause everyone to give him or her the same special treatment.
The child is also being taught that it's NORMAL to have a hierarchy within the family like a Gorilla Troupe. All it takes is for the child to watch this person behaving this way and not receive appropriate consequences for them to get the impression that it's "okay" to act this way. They often even come to believe that "mastering" this behavior is an indication of Coming of Age, of becoming a Real Man or a Real Woman. Whoever throws their weight around the most to get their way, and GETS their way, looks to a child like a powerful person. Children do not yet know the difference between entitled, spoiled, bully behavior and strength, confidence, and respect.
When this belief is formed early from this modeling, the child may internalize it so much that he or she does not see that it is not his or her own identity. The child may believe that this behavior is actually the way they should act, and that anyone who opposes their behavior or stands up to them is putting them down, disrespecting THEM, and trying to SHAME THEM for "Who They Are".
Basically, the child was taught to expect tolerance FROM others no matter what, and that means the others love and respect him or her. They were also taught that treating others with condescension and DISrespect is their right and privilege as one of the "Real" or "Elite People" like they saw the abusive person as.
Even being put on a pedestal and treated like a Golden Child, above others, is a form of abuse; the child is not taught any bearings on reality, the child is not given real mirroring as a real person, and does not feel like he or she belongs in the world. It also pits others against the child, making the child even more isolated.
It is important to understand that any child who grew up with an abusive person or persons in their lives was a victim of abuse whether they developed narcissistic tendencies or not. This means their natural boundaries were probably torn down, and they had to compensate and cope without them in place. Our boundaries are what allow us to cope with day to day challenges, trials and tribulations, other people's behavior, and with large scale problems as well. Without intact boundaries, when abuse and trauma have damaged them, we humans feel buffeted and beaten by life. People develop all kinds of coping mechanisms and skills to get through life without intact boundaries, including displaying aggression, building walls, self-destruction, becoming submissive, or arrogance and entitlement. It can be compared in a physical way to skin; if a person's skin was damaged, they would protect themselves by covering it with something, keeping people away, telling people they need to be extra-aware of them so they don't hurt their damaged skin, expecting people to treat them with extra care, and going to higher ground to be above the fray, to avoid injury. A person may also take something regularly to ease the pain. If they healed the damaged skin back to full health, they would not need to do any of those things, and would live life without so much worry, expectation of others, and self-protection.
It is a tragic scenario, a child being modeled entitled, abusive, narcissistic behavior as "Adult Behavior", but there is hope for the adult child to heal completely if they can grasp the concept of humility and healing. Since it's common for Narcissists to teach a child a false concept of humility, that it's the same as submission to others and destruction of self-worth, the person would need to RELEARN the real definition of humility. Also if they can grasp the concept that they don't have to reject and hate the person(s) who modeled the behavior, that they don't have to be ashamed of the person or of themselves in order to feel remorse, guilt, or love for themselves and others, then healing can begin.
Grown Up Psychologists
Those who work as caregivers, counselors, or
doctors in the related fields of psychiatry and psychology can not
perform their jobs properly if they have not matured out of judging
others. A patient who has been judged as "damaged goods" or "lesser" by a
psych. professional can not be treated properly, they have already been
thrown away. Just like a teacher who sees a child as "no good" or a
"waste of a seat" will not teach that
child with any professionalism, a clergy who sees a parishioner as
"damned" or "no good" will not bother to do his or her real job, or a
police officer who assumes that a person is guilty of something because
of their tattoos, their short skirt, the car they're driving, or the
color of their skin. When the job a person has CHOSEN is working with
human beings, the ability to see them as innately valuable individuals
and remain objective is absolutely essential in doing their job
properly. It takes a certain level of maturity and self-awareness, but
with a small amount of effort, anyone without a mental limitation can
learn objectivity. Judging students, clients and patients as "bad" or
"good" should have been left far behind, in childhood, where it belongs.
Song
What would happen if you recorded a song you wrote, put it on the internet, and it became a huge hit?
Treating Narcissism
"I dispute that narcissism is not treatable.
The only reason it isn't treatable or that droves of psychologists and
researchers are not pursuing it is that it is difficult and someone
feels they could make money easier."
-CAC
I wholeheartedly agree.
-CAC
I wholeheartedly agree.
Only Losers...
Only The Envious Criticize People For Doing What They Love To Do. When Someone Criticizes Them For Doing What They Love, They Will Be The First Ones To Have A Meltdown Tantrum...
"Writers write. They don't stop just because someone doesn't like their subject, tells them they're not good at it, or calls them a loser. Just like musicians must play, writers must write. The only ones who seem to get it are others like themselves. There will always be critics- friends, family, teachers.. you know you've finally made it when the critics are insulting you in the Times."
"Writers write. They don't stop just because someone doesn't like their subject, tells them they're not good at it, or calls them a loser. Just like musicians must play, writers must write. The only ones who seem to get it are others like themselves. There will always be critics- friends, family, teachers.. you know you've finally made it when the critics are insulting you in the Times."
Basic Narcissism 101
A very basic analogy of narcissism could be
seen as two people who meet; one of them speaks only French, the other
speaks only Spanish.
The Spanish speaking person wants the French speaker to learn Spanish so they can communicate easier, but literally has no interest in learning any French.
The Spanish speaking person wants their French speaking friend to come to all the holiday celebrations a...nd family gatherings, and sees this as being open and friendly, but refuses to go to any of the French speaker's holiday celebrations or family activities.
When the French speaker declines attending one of the Spanish celebrations, the Spanish speaker feels angry and indignant, "blown off", but completely fails to notice that he has railed against attending most of the events that the French speaker invited him to.
The French speaker, in broken Spanish, conveys to the Spanish speaker that it would be very helpful if the Spanish speaker learned how to speak some French, but the Spanish speaker basically shrugs the request off.
The Spanish speaker sees his life, his schedule, his experiences and his traditions as the "Real" Life, and sees the French speaker's life and all therein as not really significant or important in comparison, and certainly not as "Real". The Spanish speaker really believes that if the French speaker just forgot about his own less significant life and adapted to life with and just like the Spanish speaker, and acted the way the Spanish speaker wants him to act, and did everything he was told, he would be happy. It never occurs to him that the French speaker's life is just as REAL as his own already, and that his life is not more valid or important than the other's.
The Spanish speaker will become angry and actually accuse the French speaker of blow-off, betrayal, inconsiderate behavior, and even abuse when the French speaker does not continue to grant the Spanish speaker's wishes and comply with all requests. Even asking the Spanish speaker to make a small effort toward helping the communication and treating the French speaker with respect will often trigger the Spanish speaker to become angry, AS IF MEETING THE FRENCH SPEAKER HALFWAY ABOUT ANYTHING IS A TERRIBLE AND PAINFUL BURDEN, and that the French speaker is being cruel and untoward to even suggest such a thing.
The narcissist is a Royal who does not want to leave the security and safety of his or her palace, and gets offended and very upset when asked to do so, but fully expects others to leave their palaces unattended in order to fulfill his or her requests and expectations. This Royal does not meet others "halfway", would not sacrifice a sweetmeat to feed a starving subject, would not leave the comfort of their palace to be by a dying relative's side. Doesn't even know why a person would do those things.
The Spanish speaking person wants the French speaker to learn Spanish so they can communicate easier, but literally has no interest in learning any French.
The Spanish speaking person wants their French speaking friend to come to all the holiday celebrations a...nd family gatherings, and sees this as being open and friendly, but refuses to go to any of the French speaker's holiday celebrations or family activities.
When the French speaker declines attending one of the Spanish celebrations, the Spanish speaker feels angry and indignant, "blown off", but completely fails to notice that he has railed against attending most of the events that the French speaker invited him to.
The French speaker, in broken Spanish, conveys to the Spanish speaker that it would be very helpful if the Spanish speaker learned how to speak some French, but the Spanish speaker basically shrugs the request off.
The Spanish speaker sees his life, his schedule, his experiences and his traditions as the "Real" Life, and sees the French speaker's life and all therein as not really significant or important in comparison, and certainly not as "Real". The Spanish speaker really believes that if the French speaker just forgot about his own less significant life and adapted to life with and just like the Spanish speaker, and acted the way the Spanish speaker wants him to act, and did everything he was told, he would be happy. It never occurs to him that the French speaker's life is just as REAL as his own already, and that his life is not more valid or important than the other's.
The Spanish speaker will become angry and actually accuse the French speaker of blow-off, betrayal, inconsiderate behavior, and even abuse when the French speaker does not continue to grant the Spanish speaker's wishes and comply with all requests. Even asking the Spanish speaker to make a small effort toward helping the communication and treating the French speaker with respect will often trigger the Spanish speaker to become angry, AS IF MEETING THE FRENCH SPEAKER HALFWAY ABOUT ANYTHING IS A TERRIBLE AND PAINFUL BURDEN, and that the French speaker is being cruel and untoward to even suggest such a thing.
The narcissist is a Royal who does not want to leave the security and safety of his or her palace, and gets offended and very upset when asked to do so, but fully expects others to leave their palaces unattended in order to fulfill his or her requests and expectations. This Royal does not meet others "halfway", would not sacrifice a sweetmeat to feed a starving subject, would not leave the comfort of their palace to be by a dying relative's side. Doesn't even know why a person would do those things.
We All Live In A Yellow Submarine
Most people fear this subject like they fear bears, snakes and spiders.
Imagination is what we use to get through the day. All of us, not just some of us.
We all use it constantly to make ourselves feel safe and confident. We use it to make ourselves believe we know much, much more than we do about literally everything.
All of us do this, not just some of us.
Those of us that are not aware of this function in our own minds are prone to believing our own mind-stories thoroughly.
The less aware we are of our own imaginations weaving stories for us, the more we deny that it happens.
For instance, when we eat food we bought at the market or in a restaurant, our imagination says "this is safe to eat". Reality is, we have no actual evidence that the food is safe. Unless we test all of the food we are about to eat with lab equipment, we do not know it's safe. But if we don't get ourselves to believe it's safe, we'll starve.
When we see or meet another person, we make a story up about them. The purpose of this is so we will be able to function in the new person's presence, and not react in fear, or get ourselves hurt. In reality, we actually know nothing about them, but our imaginations will fill in the huge blanks anyway based on extremely superficial things. We also factor in our own self-image and ego in order to create the story about the person so we can make them smarter or dumber than ourselves, weaker or stronger, more or less experienced, more or less ethical. In reality, we have only a thimble full of real information about the person, and that may not even be true. We are basing an entire story of the person's personality, ethics, experience, ability, physical strength, motives, and background on some things about their appearance, the way they talk, how big they are, and what sex they are. Then we think of our OWN self-image, and we craft our story about WHO and WHAT this person is, and how we WANT this person to be.
If we hit one or two things on the mark, we think we are right about everything...
We even do this with people we have "known" for years. Once we make up a story about another person, we tend to continue to believe it forever, regardless of facts that contradict our fantasy. And we will continue to treat the person as if our fantasy of them is real.
This is why we are so often surprised when we find out a person has certain experiences or skills, or is smarter than we thought, or turns out to be a criminal. We made up a fantasy story about the person and believed it without actually finding out anything factual about them. It would take a very long time to actually get to know a person for real, but most of us would rather simply fill in the blanks with illusions, fantasies and stories that we make up in our own heads.
We like to make people into characters and caricatures on a regular basis, based on not much more than our imaginations and egos.
If our imaginations didn't work overtime every day, if we were fully aware of all the factual information around us, we would all be hard-pressed to walk out the front door due to our overwhelming fear. But since the human brain takes over with imagination, we walk right out the door, drive our cars, interact with random humans, eat whatever food we buy, and walk around in the open space breathing air. The imagination helps us to live. But it also keeps us in a story-land of our own making.
Imagination is what we use to get through the day. All of us, not just some of us.
We all use it constantly to make ourselves feel safe and confident. We use it to make ourselves believe we know much, much more than we do about literally everything.
All of us do this, not just some of us.
Those of us that are not aware of this function in our own minds are prone to believing our own mind-stories thoroughly.
The less aware we are of our own imaginations weaving stories for us, the more we deny that it happens.
For instance, when we eat food we bought at the market or in a restaurant, our imagination says "this is safe to eat". Reality is, we have no actual evidence that the food is safe. Unless we test all of the food we are about to eat with lab equipment, we do not know it's safe. But if we don't get ourselves to believe it's safe, we'll starve.
When we see or meet another person, we make a story up about them. The purpose of this is so we will be able to function in the new person's presence, and not react in fear, or get ourselves hurt. In reality, we actually know nothing about them, but our imaginations will fill in the huge blanks anyway based on extremely superficial things. We also factor in our own self-image and ego in order to create the story about the person so we can make them smarter or dumber than ourselves, weaker or stronger, more or less experienced, more or less ethical. In reality, we have only a thimble full of real information about the person, and that may not even be true. We are basing an entire story of the person's personality, ethics, experience, ability, physical strength, motives, and background on some things about their appearance, the way they talk, how big they are, and what sex they are. Then we think of our OWN self-image, and we craft our story about WHO and WHAT this person is, and how we WANT this person to be.
If we hit one or two things on the mark, we think we are right about everything...
We even do this with people we have "known" for years. Once we make up a story about another person, we tend to continue to believe it forever, regardless of facts that contradict our fantasy. And we will continue to treat the person as if our fantasy of them is real.
This is why we are so often surprised when we find out a person has certain experiences or skills, or is smarter than we thought, or turns out to be a criminal. We made up a fantasy story about the person and believed it without actually finding out anything factual about them. It would take a very long time to actually get to know a person for real, but most of us would rather simply fill in the blanks with illusions, fantasies and stories that we make up in our own heads.
We like to make people into characters and caricatures on a regular basis, based on not much more than our imaginations and egos.
If our imaginations didn't work overtime every day, if we were fully aware of all the factual information around us, we would all be hard-pressed to walk out the front door due to our overwhelming fear. But since the human brain takes over with imagination, we walk right out the door, drive our cars, interact with random humans, eat whatever food we buy, and walk around in the open space breathing air. The imagination helps us to live. But it also keeps us in a story-land of our own making.
Yes, true!! Perhaps the most tragic thing is that we form fixed images of
those we come to 'know' and in this we imprison them. We trap them in
the image and block free movement of the individual, who in fact is
probably a totally different
person when perceived by another. We tend to hold each down with this
rigidity, and often will not tolerate the same rigidity of perception of
ourselves from others. We find it most difficult to let go of, yet it
is simply belief we call the truth.
It's all in the thinking process, which is trying to protect the image we have of our self. It is possible for this process to be quiet and simply listen. We are rarely truly giving full attention because we are distracted by pain.
It's all in the thinking process, which is trying to protect the image we have of our self. It is possible for this process to be quiet and simply listen. We are rarely truly giving full attention because we are distracted by pain.
Why Marriage Doesn't Work Anymore
Forget about the article, read the comment thread. Look how MANY people go into slathering fits and pathetic, ridiculous, defensive bashing.
http://www.cnn.com/2011/11/29/living/why-we-get-mad-at-our-husbands-p
Hyper-defensive, much?
There's a TON of these all over the internet. Read them with intelligent observational skills, not as one of the hostile monkeys embroiled in the excruciating grunting and hooting.
Animosity, hostility, swinging and hurling personal insults like it's going out of style; people are ADDICTED to Jerry Springer Show-style foaming at the mouth like a bunch of rabid sasquatches.
GEE, WONDER WHY PEOPLE HAVE SO MANY RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS THESE DAYS?
How the hell does an ENTIRE GLOBAL COMMUNITY lose its ability to have rational conversation without becoming HYSTERICALLY DEFENSIVE, HOSTILE, AND SNOTTY?
There are people reading this RIGHT NOW seeing my CAPS as "aggressive"... but they won't express that thought with any kind of mindfulness, they'll express it like an out-of-control angry chimpanzee who has acquired the ability of language, but only learned swear words, personal insults, and how to say the most demeaning things possible, and they will believe they are speaking like an intelligent human. THEY WILL BE 30 TIMES MORE AGGRESSIVE THAN CAPS COULD EVER BE, ABOUT THE CAPS, BUT THEY WILL BE IN COMPLETE DENIAL ABOUT IT.
Thanks VERY MUCH, pathetically irresponsible media in all forms... for your relentless contribution to a completely histrionic global community. And thank you SO MUCH insanely intelligent government "leaders" and "workers" for YOUR contribution to the pathetic CHAOS, and thanks to all the "educators" who took their jobs to enhance THEIR OWN AGENDAS instead of MENTORING STUDENTS (ALL STUDENTS, not just your special PETS).
The CREEPINESS out there is just WAY over the top, WAY beyond comprehension, and the more the monkeys hoot and holler, the MORE THEY HOOT AND HOLLER.
GET A GRIP, CHILDREN, whatever your chronological age is! THIS IS YOUR OWN DRINKING WATER YOU'RE SHITTING IN, STUPID!!!
http://www.cnn.com/2011/11/29/living/why-we-get-mad-at-our-husbands-p
Hyper-defensive, much?
There's a TON of these all over the internet. Read them with intelligent observational skills, not as one of the hostile monkeys embroiled in the excruciating grunting and hooting.
Animosity, hostility, swinging and hurling personal insults like it's going out of style; people are ADDICTED to Jerry Springer Show-style foaming at the mouth like a bunch of rabid sasquatches.
GEE, WONDER WHY PEOPLE HAVE SO MANY RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS THESE DAYS?
How the hell does an ENTIRE GLOBAL COMMUNITY lose its ability to have rational conversation without becoming HYSTERICALLY DEFENSIVE, HOSTILE, AND SNOTTY?
There are people reading this RIGHT NOW seeing my CAPS as "aggressive"... but they won't express that thought with any kind of mindfulness, they'll express it like an out-of-control angry chimpanzee who has acquired the ability of language, but only learned swear words, personal insults, and how to say the most demeaning things possible, and they will believe they are speaking like an intelligent human. THEY WILL BE 30 TIMES MORE AGGRESSIVE THAN CAPS COULD EVER BE, ABOUT THE CAPS, BUT THEY WILL BE IN COMPLETE DENIAL ABOUT IT.
Thanks VERY MUCH, pathetically irresponsible media in all forms... for your relentless contribution to a completely histrionic global community. And thank you SO MUCH insanely intelligent government "leaders" and "workers" for YOUR contribution to the pathetic CHAOS, and thanks to all the "educators" who took their jobs to enhance THEIR OWN AGENDAS instead of MENTORING STUDENTS (ALL STUDENTS, not just your special PETS).
The CREEPINESS out there is just WAY over the top, WAY beyond comprehension, and the more the monkeys hoot and holler, the MORE THEY HOOT AND HOLLER.
GET A GRIP, CHILDREN, whatever your chronological age is! THIS IS YOUR OWN DRINKING WATER YOU'RE SHITTING IN, STUPID!!!
Clique, Clique, Claque: Herd Behavior, Dysfunctional Groups
Dysfunctional groups and cliques like to
dictate who their members can associate with. They are often quite
effective, and don't even pay any mind to whether it's right or wrong. A
member of this group may be so used to this behavior that they also
don't think about whether it's right or wrong, they simply feel the
pressure of the group and behave accordingly. Any new person that a
member of this group
brings in will be assessed and found either acceptable or unacceptable.
The assessment is always first and foremost about whether this new
person fits in with the hierarchy that's already established within the
group. If this new person is found to be unwilling to follow the group
agenda, including political opinion and going along with gossip or
illegal activity, they will not be welcomed. If this new person
threatens the ego of one of the group members, they will not be
welcomed, and may be smeared or outright rejected. Even if this new
person is a love interest of one of the members of the group, this will
not be respected. The new person will ONLY be accepted and welcomed if
they follow along with the controls, agendas, and hierarchy already
within the group, and ONLY if no one in the group is jealous of or
intimidated by the person. Disordered groups do not respect the rights,
boundaries, opinions or needs of the individual. If a person does not
conform to their satisfaction, they will be rejected. If the member that
brought this new person into the group does not go along with the
rejection, he or she will be punished and ultimately rejected if he or
she does not stand up against the treatment. Disordered groups with this
behavior can be seen in any group of people who are in regular contact,
or who have common interests. A non-disordered group welcomes new
individuals with open arms, and is happy and interested to meet new
faces, and respects the relationships between its members. However, a
healthy group must have a large enough measure of security and ethics to
stay healthy.
Relationship Confusion And Heartbreak
Cognitive dissonance can be created in our own
minds when we meet someone who seems very straightforward and reliable
to us, but who's actions are actually unreliable.
The impression we have of them in our minds is "Person who will keep their agreements, person who stands up for what's right, person who will treat me with true reciprocal respect, person who I can depend on who will not betray or hurt me."
So when this person does not live up to the impression we have of them in our minds, it can cause confusion, anxiety, sadness, pain, and heartbreak. If their behavior is abusive, it can cause trauma.
We expect one thing, but we are experiencing another. Like biting into an apple that tastes like a hot dog. Even if we like hot dogs, we would immediately spit out an apple that tasted like one.
There are different causes for this issue. One of them could be our own deep desire to find someone to trust, so we may pin that profile onto someone we don't know very well at all. That person may remind us for some reason of a person we trusted in our past, so we subconsciously assume they have similar personality traits, or will treat us the same way the other person did. We may simply not be very good at reading people. We may be star-struck or love-struck and ignore the person's real behavior that we would have noticed otherwise.
If we have a disorder ourselves, or just a lack of maturity, we may have unrealistic expectations of the other person that they couldn't possibly live up to, and that we ourselves could not live up to. We may feel rejected and betrayed at their normal human behavior, and even misinterpret their words, emotional expression, and actions. We may see their sadness as an expression of anger or judgment toward us, for example. We may interpret their anger as abusive rage, we may interpret their happiness as smugness, etc.
If the other person has a disorder or is very immature, they may have purposely created an impression of themselves that does not represent their real personality or intentions. Con artists do this on a regular basis. Their goal could be anything, from getting their hands on something we own, to getting us to become subservient to them. In order to get us to trust them, they create a false "Good Person" image of themselves, which is often actually an AMPLIFIED "Good Person" image; a con artist can not afford to risk us seeing through their facade, so we may actually buy into their "Good Person" image MORE than an ACTUAL Good Person, because a genuinely good person does not try to create an image, and all their "flaws" show. Many people actually fall for con-artists and reject genuinely good people for this reason.
Con artists are not the only ones who create a "Good Person" image, however. Many people grew up in cultures in which they may have been punished, picked on or ostracized if they did not learn how to create a false image of themselves to "wear" in front of others. If a child has no adults who see them for who they really are, who listens to them without shaming them or invalidating them, who disciplines them without anger or agenda, who teaches them how to stand up for themselves or for what is right,who gives them safe sanctuary, or who teaches them why ethics and values are so important, then the child may easily resort to simply mimicking what a "good person" LOOKS LIKE without having an understanding of the underlying reasons, feelings, and dynamics. Mimicking the superficial behaviors of others who are respected in the family and community can gain them acceptance and respect. However, the behavior they are mimicking is only surface behavior, like vocal tone, language, clothing, facial expression, body posturing and compliment giving, or minimal "reliable person" actions such as showing up on time, showing up at key events, or making a show of occasionally helping others. Behind the scenes, their intentions, emotions, and motives are that of the child they were who did not receive enough guidance and security from the adults in their life. (Sometimes even a strong parent is unable to provide enough guidance and security to a child, due to other people or circumstances.)
So, when our impression of a person is one thing, but their actions do not match this impression, we can experience real emotional and cognitive dissonance. We can experience sadness, heartbreak, confusion, and pain. What we can do is step back and reevaluate our impression of the person, and discover objectively (which can be very difficult for most of us) where this false impression really came from. Are our own expectations too high? Are we looking for a "Super-Good" person who would not really exist in reality? Did we simply not give ourselves enough time to get to know the person, and paint our own picture of them from our imagination? Or did this person purposely and continually try to create a false image to make us believe and trust them?
The impression we have of them in our minds is "Person who will keep their agreements, person who stands up for what's right, person who will treat me with true reciprocal respect, person who I can depend on who will not betray or hurt me."
So when this person does not live up to the impression we have of them in our minds, it can cause confusion, anxiety, sadness, pain, and heartbreak. If their behavior is abusive, it can cause trauma.
We expect one thing, but we are experiencing another. Like biting into an apple that tastes like a hot dog. Even if we like hot dogs, we would immediately spit out an apple that tasted like one.
There are different causes for this issue. One of them could be our own deep desire to find someone to trust, so we may pin that profile onto someone we don't know very well at all. That person may remind us for some reason of a person we trusted in our past, so we subconsciously assume they have similar personality traits, or will treat us the same way the other person did. We may simply not be very good at reading people. We may be star-struck or love-struck and ignore the person's real behavior that we would have noticed otherwise.
If we have a disorder ourselves, or just a lack of maturity, we may have unrealistic expectations of the other person that they couldn't possibly live up to, and that we ourselves could not live up to. We may feel rejected and betrayed at their normal human behavior, and even misinterpret their words, emotional expression, and actions. We may see their sadness as an expression of anger or judgment toward us, for example. We may interpret their anger as abusive rage, we may interpret their happiness as smugness, etc.
If the other person has a disorder or is very immature, they may have purposely created an impression of themselves that does not represent their real personality or intentions. Con artists do this on a regular basis. Their goal could be anything, from getting their hands on something we own, to getting us to become subservient to them. In order to get us to trust them, they create a false "Good Person" image of themselves, which is often actually an AMPLIFIED "Good Person" image; a con artist can not afford to risk us seeing through their facade, so we may actually buy into their "Good Person" image MORE than an ACTUAL Good Person, because a genuinely good person does not try to create an image, and all their "flaws" show. Many people actually fall for con-artists and reject genuinely good people for this reason.
Con artists are not the only ones who create a "Good Person" image, however. Many people grew up in cultures in which they may have been punished, picked on or ostracized if they did not learn how to create a false image of themselves to "wear" in front of others. If a child has no adults who see them for who they really are, who listens to them without shaming them or invalidating them, who disciplines them without anger or agenda, who teaches them how to stand up for themselves or for what is right,who gives them safe sanctuary, or who teaches them why ethics and values are so important, then the child may easily resort to simply mimicking what a "good person" LOOKS LIKE without having an understanding of the underlying reasons, feelings, and dynamics. Mimicking the superficial behaviors of others who are respected in the family and community can gain them acceptance and respect. However, the behavior they are mimicking is only surface behavior, like vocal tone, language, clothing, facial expression, body posturing and compliment giving, or minimal "reliable person" actions such as showing up on time, showing up at key events, or making a show of occasionally helping others. Behind the scenes, their intentions, emotions, and motives are that of the child they were who did not receive enough guidance and security from the adults in their life. (Sometimes even a strong parent is unable to provide enough guidance and security to a child, due to other people or circumstances.)
So, when our impression of a person is one thing, but their actions do not match this impression, we can experience real emotional and cognitive dissonance. We can experience sadness, heartbreak, confusion, and pain. What we can do is step back and reevaluate our impression of the person, and discover objectively (which can be very difficult for most of us) where this false impression really came from. Are our own expectations too high? Are we looking for a "Super-Good" person who would not really exist in reality? Did we simply not give ourselves enough time to get to know the person, and paint our own picture of them from our imagination? Or did this person purposely and continually try to create a false image to make us believe and trust them?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)