THANK YOU CUSTOMER SERVICE PROFESSIONALS

A note of sincere thanks and gratitude to customer service, technical support, sales and any other position that deals directly with customers.
Those of you who are straightforward, sincerely helpful, respectful and genuinely courteous toward customers are the ones who are holding up their place of business. Customers are all of us. Rude and arrogant direct customer service employees (and departments run by rude, arrogant management) turn simple, neutral questions and tasks into great labyrinths, hoop jumping, and dramatic episodes. When we have to deal with disrespect, dishonesty, condescension, smoke and mirrors, and arrogant incompetence, it literally makes our day more stressful and our goals more difficult to meet. It raises our levels of certain chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol, which corrode our bodies and change our hormonal balance, and impacts our mental ability making other tasks harder for us even if we don't realize it.
The customer is the reason the company exists, not the other way around. 
So after dealing with jerk after smoke-blower after snotty attitude, when we happen upon an actual professionally-minded employee who's doing their job with genuine courtesy and respect, it's like the sun coming out after a week of rain storms.
Unfortunately in this current era there seems to be a whole lot of terrible customer service, why they keep their jobs is a mystery to me, except for the fact that managers tend to hire people who are like themselves, especially if they're arrogant and cliquey, and will find a way to fire those who "outshine" them in some way.
All that being said, if you deal directly with customers, and you're one of those people who are consistently respectful, courteous, and genuinely helpful toward customers (not just toward who you happen to like)~ THANK YOU! 
Your lone pleasant, honest, real voice can make a day more pleasant for one customer, but it can also be the one beacon of hope and relief in another customer's life. Please keep doing what you're doing, and know that it really is YOU who is keeping good customers coming back, and who puts the face of COMPETENCE on the business you represent.

Special Treatment

Believe it or not, many human beings often reserve their approval and support for those whom they're seeking it FROM. The basis of favoritism and bias is giving in order to receive something back, such as attention, affection, approval, or recognition. When we don't seek a certain person's approval because we don't see them as "higher" than ourselves in status, we may not pay much  attention to them at all. Sometimes we humans even treat those whom we don't want approval from with active disrespect and rejection; an attempt to display "dominance" and superior status. But with those whom we DO want approval FROM, we make a point of going out of our way to make a display out of GIVING them our approval and support, giving accolades, giving compliments and sympathy, even giving extra material gifts and extra emotional support. The phenomenon of celebrities, business "leaders", and politicians getting free gifts and special treatment everywhere they go is due to this human tendency to GIVE in order to RECEIVE.
Oprah Winfrey marveled at the way famous people get free stuff and special treatment thrown at them when they don't need it, but before you're famous, when you're struggling and living on Ramen Noodles, 'special favors' are few and far between.
Not all human beings do this, but those who do will do it when it comes to celebrities and also may do this in their local communities, at their place of work, in local businesses, with children in the community and at school, and in their own families. Social Media exposes this tendency quite starkly.

Be Easier, Be Lighter

Be easier on yourself, be easier on others. Judgmental attitudes and the projection of shame cause darkness, not light. The fact is, the human brain is a very complex and fragile organ; trauma and serious stress can turn even a brilliant nuclear physicist into a person who can barely keep track of their basic daily survival routine. The people around them will either act as hammers and nails in their coffin, or act as caring facilitators of their recovery. We all choose which one of those we are being toward someone else every day. Do we act as high and mighty judge and jury, condemning others, behaving as if we are untouchable by the hand of fate and trauma, and not responsible or accountable for the well-being of others? Or do we keep our brains switched "on" and remember that we are indeed making a huge impact in the lives of others, just by the way we treat them alone? Do we take from others, or do we give? Do we blame and condemn others, or do we understand what respect and empathy really are? Do we try to avoid responsibility and accountability by blaming people for the things that have happened to them, or do we act as true adults, remembering that we are, actually, our sister's and brother's keepers? We choose, every day, whether we are making a positive impact on the world we live in, or a negative. We can't always be perfect, but we can always keep trying

Crystalline

Let me skate on the clear and fast high notes of your spirit song

M.M.Black 

Narcissism Flag: Envy

Narcissism flag:
Negative reaction to another person's noticeable level of talent, skill, intelligence, natural attractiveness, knowledge, caring/empathy, or "sunny" disposition.
~
The person does not have to be MORE attractive, talented, or intelligent, etc, just enough for the Narcissist to take notice and feel threatened, like they're worried that someone ELSE is going to notice the person, and Heaven forbid, LIKE them, or recognize their ability.  

Fighting For Equality? Or Privilege?

Time and again I find it so strange that so many who champion "equality" for races and ancestries, even making careers out of their cause, making lots of money and garnering recognition and prestige, will simply shrug or slam the door shut when someone brings up sexism and gender bias.
You don't even have to indicate which bias you're talking about, they just can't stand the subject, PERIOD.
If they do start talking, it's usually defensive or hostile, which is always a clear indication that it's something personal to them, something they're attached to.
I have yet to see anyone who is always up in arms about racial equality, or human rights regarding poverty and wealth, put their energy, their mouth, their time, or their money into championing genuine equality and respect in regard to gender, and certainly not for any woman of a different RACE than their own.
Integrity, equality, and genuine respect is DEVOID of superiority, hatred, and desire to dominate or be served. Those who want REAL equality want it for every single human on the planet, and they want it FULLY for each person. They don't want MORE rights and privileges for themselves, and they don't want to TAKE AWAY rights and privileges from someone else.

If they see a black man getting treated with disrespect just because he's black, and it infuriates them, then WHY don't they feel the same fury when they see a black WOMAN getting treated with disrespect by a black man, just because she's a woman? 

Why do those who are making a good living defending the "equal rights" of one group IGNORE the rights of other groups who get stomped on? Why do they make a HUGE DEAL about smaller injustices and unfairness to certain people, but seem oblivious to huge injustices against others? Sometimes even trying to JUSTIFY blatant disrespect, horrific abuse, criminal behavior, and obvious bigotry that others have dealt with or are going through?

Because, it's not about genuine equality. It's about equal PRIVILEGE and superiority. 

"I want what he has... I don't want YOU to have it, I just want it for myself and those who are just like ME. And what he has includes being superior to YOU..."

Many will do a similar thing when it comes to anyone dealing with blatant unfairness and injustice who is from a different "race", a different ancestry, a different financial status, even a different hair color or skin tone. Equality and integrity do not change according to our personal prejudices and ego issues, or our resentment issues; they remain the SAME for ALL human beings, or they don't exist at all. We are NOT "championing" any kind of "equality" or "human rights" unless we fully include BOTH SEXES, and every human no matter what their skin, hair, eyes, face, or body looks like. You aren't championing "equal rights" as a principle when you're only fighting for people who are virtually clones of you.


 

Treating You Like You're Invisible Or Incompetent

The skewed and/or absent feedback from narcissistic friends, family members, and partners can cause serious anxiety and depression, especially when one cares deeply for the other person.
Skewed feedback can come in the form of criticism and insults; for example a person who completes a painting, and the "feedback" they receive from their so-called friend is critical and insulting.

It can come in the form of pretending, such as pretending a person is not capable of, experienced in, or knowledgeable about certain things that they actually are. For example when a family member is an obviously experienced animal caregiver, but other family members pay a kennel instead of asking them to watch their pets while they go on vacation. (Completely different from "not wanting to burden someone", especially since they often make other demands on the person, and rarely give any indication of "respecting their space" any other time.)

It can come in the form of passive-aggressive advice-giving, which is meant to purposely give the message "You don't know what you're doing or talking about, you're not that bright, you're just a novice and a beginner", such as giving basic cooking advice to an experienced cook, or giving basic photography instruction to an experienced photographer, or explaining how to change automotive oil and why it's important to a person who is in the process of changing their oil. Explaining what frets are to a person who plays guitar. Explaining 'what it's like' to be a writer to a person who is a writer. Giving detailed advice and instruction about repairing a hole in a wall to a professional contractor.

It can come in the form of "giving help", which is often used as a domination weapon, implying that the "helper" is far and away more capable, more stable, and/or physically stronger than the other person, and that the other person CAN'T do the task without assistance.

Absent feedback is when they simply act as if the person is invisible, or that nothing the person does is visible. 

They may keep talking and behaving normally, as if nothing is happening when a person is in obvious distress.  

They may behave as if nothing at all happened, directly after the person just suffered a tragedy, a serious violation against them, an injury, a serious illness, or some kind of major difficulty. They may completely ignore a person's presence.
They may totally refrain from acknowledging a person's accomplishments and milestones.
They may ignore invitations from this person.
They will often not invite this person to celebrations or gatherings, as if the person is not a "real" member of their group/family, or a "real" person.
They often behave the same way toward the person's children.
They may simply ignore communications from the other person.

They will usually completely deny and mentally "delete" their own behavior toward the person, and use the person's reactions as "justification" for continued disrespectful treatment, such as:

Because they have left the person out of normal family or friend events and celebrations, the person no longer tries to keep in contact with them, and has stopped trying. So they will say that the "reason" they don't invite the person to anything is because the person doesn't seem to "care about them", because they don't keep in contact or show up to any events. They simply delete the reality that they have been treating the person like a non-member of the family and THAT'S why the person stopped trying to keep contact with them. As far as they're concerned, they have accomplished their goal of ostracizing the person they had been targeting all along.

This is all literally an attempt to either make the person "smaller" in their life, or themselves "bigger"/"more important" than the other person. It's often motivated by either envy, fear (either of the person, or fear of someone who doesn't like the person), or a serious supremacy complex.

Why We Listen To One Person But Not Another

During childhood, we develop a "feeling" of who is who, and this feeling stays with us. We choose early which kind of people are leaders, and which kind of people are care-givers. Some of us also think of certain kinds of people as smarter, as dumber, as "expert" and more capable, and as "ignorant" and less capable. What we decide in our youths, we internalize and believe as the "way the world re...ally is".

We don't remember anything about the process, because we were kids.

So we don't remember the teachers letting certain girls make fun of the boys in first grade, and that our young minds decided that "girls are mean and don't get in trouble for it".
We don't remember that certain boys bullied the girls every day in second grade, and our young minds decided that "boys are bullies and don't get in trouble for it".
We don't connect that time in third grade when three brothers ambushed us and beat us up to the way we give "extra respect" to men who act "tough". (We think it's respect, but it's really fear from a suppressed memory.)
We don't remember that some adults around us were always making racial slurs, or putting those of a different color down, and that's the reason we see those of a different race in a negative light.
We don't remember adults separating children by gender, and we don't connect the adults making insulting remarks about one sex or the other with our own prejudices.
We don't remember that everyone listened whenever one person spoke, but ignored, argued, or rudely interrupted whenever another person spoke, which shaped our perception of "who to listen to" and "who to ignore".
We forgot about how when one person made jokes, everyone giggled and laughed, even if it wasn't funny or they didn't get it, just to fit in and be accepted as one of the gang. We don't connect that this imprinted in our subconscious "Who Is Allowed To Be Funny".
We don't remember that adults PURPOSELY taught certain kids how to do certain things, and didn't ALLOW other kids to participate in learning, doing, or practicing those things. We end up believing that some people are NATURALLY capable of this or that, and NATURALLY INCAPABLE of this or that, instead of remembering that it was all ORCHESTRATED.

We even think we ourselves are incapable of many things because of our childhood experiences and "training".
This is how conditioning works. Some of it is done on purpose, some of it is done inadvertently because of the conditioning that older people already went through. All of it could be healed if people wanted to heal it, but many want to stay in their illusion because they're used to it, or because they see it as giving them power. What it really does is cripples the human spirit, halting true progress and peace.

Rejection

Most people are ten times more likely to reject another person because of "personality conflict" than because of actual wrong-doing. Humans will single out another person who simply doesn't "rub them the right way", but who is actually trustworthy, honest, straightforward and kind. However they will keep connections with another person who compliments their ego and is "easy to get along with" (for them), regardless of what they actually DO. Basically, most humans will keep their connections with backstabbers, liars, criminals, manipulators, abusers, and control freaks, as long as they don't do anything that feels like it pokes at their OWN ego, or as long as they do all those things to someone ELSE (even in their own family or friendship circle). But they'll reject (and often even slander) an honest person with strong values in a heartbeat the moment they don't go along with them.
WHY? Because of their perceived threat to their ego and agenda. An honest person with strong values might see through all the smoke and mirrors.

Miley Cyrus and the Price of Success

First they trash her because she's a child-idol (oh what a great reason to trash someone)... then they trash her because "she only made it because of her father"... now they trash her because of her performance with the "twerking" and Robin Thicke, and she had black back up singers. So...wait, let me get this straight:  Miley Cyrus apparently controls Robin Thicke, no other humans were involved in her wardrobe or choreography, and she also made those women be her background back up singers against their will, probably didn't even pay them... in fact, she probably orchestrated the entire show and threatened Robin Thicke to force him to participate. Heck she's probably not even a HUMAN! No REAL human has blue eyes like that, and a body like that... She's one of those robots that aliens sent here, like Lady Gaga, Christina Aguilera, and Brittany Spears, isn't she?! Adele isn't one, because no one made her dance (I mean... she didn't MAKE ANYONE LET HER dance.) But that doesn't explain why Taylor Swift gets unnecessary negativity...  Oh wait... or could it be... nahh, it couldn't. Humans aren't petty, envious, self-righteous, prejudice, or hateful! I mean they would NEVER judge one person MORE than they judge another, just because of their ancestry, gender, or their body type! Would they??? It COULDN'T be because they're all thin, white, and blondish, could it? NO! And definitely not because they're female... Everyone treats thin, young blonde women like "one of the guys", no one EVER trashes them, leaves them out of their cliques, makes fun of them, singles them out, or tries to turn people against them. Ever! They never, ever walk into a room and get whispered about by total strangers, or sneered at right to their face, or stepped in front of on purpose, or bumped into just to show little hissy "monkey dominance", no one EVER treats them like their automatically spoiled brats solely based on the way they look! EVER!
Everything that happens to them is ALWAYS their fault! Their fault, their fault, THEIR FAULT! No one else's... that poor, poor Robin Thicke... I wonder what she put him through... we should all feel pity for the poor boy, and for those poor back up singers too... it's not like they EARNED those spots or anything, it's not like they WANTED to sing back-up on a National Stage and get their hard-earned vocals HEARD. Nope, it's all Miley's fault, let's focus just on trashing her, isn't that what life's all about?
Oh and one more thing... speaking on behalf of female humans, you don't get to complain about "racial unfairness", using it as some kind of catapult for your career, if your REALITY is sexism and racial prejudice. If you don't have true respect and equality in your head and heart, and you're treating some people like they're lower than you when you think no one else can hear you, then SHUT UP. Get off the stage. There's not even any such thing as "race", look it up (in the SCIENCE journals). Anyone who really wants peace and equality doesn't DIVIDE people just so they can drum up business for themselves. (Oh it's all show biz, isn't it?! So it's show biz when YOU'RE doing it, but not when MILEY is doing it... riiiiight...)  Supporting the back-up singers would have a lot more talk about THEM as SINGERS in it, with some dignity, and they deserve it.     

Everyone is "so disgusted" with that performance... So, what exactly has everyone been watching and listening to all these years? Mr. Rogers? Yep. So which HBO show is your favorite...? No HBO? Which reality show, which soap opera, which porn site, which rap song, rock song, dance song, strip club, Hooter's, etc, etcetera, ETCETERA, AD NAUSEUM. 
You gotta be kidding me.  
 
Hypocrisy at its most ridiculous. 
I've been disgusted for years. I just don't pick and choose ONLY CERTAIN PEOPLE to be "disgusted" by, and just ignore what people I PERSONALLY LIKE are doing, and pretend they're pure as the Driven Snow...

Why Do They Call It Malignant Narcissism

Why do they call it "Malignant Narcissism"?
Watch "The Crucible"
Read history.
Pay closer attention to how and why people listen to one person but not another, how they treat one person better than another.
Read about Hitler and his buddies.
Read about Genghis Khan.
Pay closer attention to the news.
Read about Charles Manson and Jim Jones.
Pay closer attention to the contradictions in what Politicians say, and what they do.
Watch "The Sopranos"
Watch "Survivor"

Read about Jesus Christ.

Read about Hypatia.
Make the connections, match the similarities, see the patterns.
Be careful about knee-jerk-defending everything you like and identify with, and look at it more objectively.
Read the actual lyrics of the songs that you've been listening to your whole life.
Look how easily people will turn on one another in order to follow someone they don't even know, like a politician, or a religious leader, or an anti-religious leader.
Look how easily people will turn on their friends and family or scapegoat one of them in order to feel superior, or to gain or keep something else for themselves, whether material or otherwise.
Look how easily people will turn on one another, period.
Pay closer attention to how so many just go along with negative implications, slander, and malicious rumors about others, but rarely stand up for others being targeted, nor seek any facts out for themselves.
Read or watch "Snow White" and "Cinderella".
Watch and hear what people do and say when someone brings up the subject.
Pay attention to how easily people will condemn others, and how often they will try to turn others completely against another person.

Pay closer attention, period. It can happen to anyone, at any time, for no reason at all except something gone sideways in a "Narcissist"'s head.

Awareness and genuine maturity are the only effective "weapons" against it; without those, we are sitting ducks. Most people don't take it seriously because they don't want to face the uncomfortable reality, so they make fun of it, or pretend it's not "really real", or that it happens "somewhere else", and that's exactly why it has repeated itself throughout history, and will keep repeating as long as humans keep hiding themselves from themselves.

Not One Of THOSE People: Projection And Deflection

Judgment and name-calling is usually really just deflection and projection. The person who's afraid to be judged as a "loser" is the one who goes around calling other people "losers", the person who's afraid he or she is going to be called a "slut" goes around calling other people "whore". The person who's always trying to get out of work, who wants to be rich so he or she can sit on the beach all day or play with his/her toys is the one going around calling other people "lazy" and "shiftless". The person who secretly wants to be included in the "popular" or "rich crowd" is the one going around calling everyone who seems well-off or confident "stuck-up". The person who wants to be known as an "Intellectual" and is worried they fall short is the one calling anyone who seems intelligent "crazy" or "stupid". The person who desires control and power is the one who accuses anyone who doesn't put up with their BULLYING of being a control freak. The person who wants to be seen as a Great Artist or a Great Musician but is worried that they don't really have what it takes is the one going around calling other artists and musicians "incompetent" or "lame". The one who is secretly worried that they're the one who's crazy is the one going around calling other people (or a target person) crazy. The person who's fixated on worrying that they're going to be seen as physically weak is the one who is always trying to prove that someone else is physically weaker than they are. The person who's trying to prove their own competence and intelligence because they're afraid of being out-shined is the one who parades their degrees and certificates as "proof" of their intelligence, and tries to diminish anyone who doesn't possess the same certification.
Etc.
Where this comes from is often the environment the person has been living in, or was raised in; either family members, or the community, or both. A child who is exposed all the time to adults who do this judging, deflecting and projecting is of course going to be affected in some way, usually involving self-doubt, and fear of being the one who's being "judged" and "shamed". The child learns that whoever is not on the "right side" of these adults is a walking target. And that can change at a moment's notice, all it takes is for one of them to feel slightly envious or intimidated, or even a slight ego-boost, and they're off to the Gossip Races.
So the child, in their seeking ways to survive, may pick up the same habit of DEFLECTION and PROJECTION. When they feel like they've done something that could make them a target of gossip, like being late for work habitually, for example, the shame they feel acts as a trigger for deflection, and so they look for someone else to POINT AT, so everyone looks at that other person and not them.
My personal favorite that I've heard many times here in New England, where we have 2 large casinos and a few smaller ones, is when a person will go on and on about how they don't gamble, how they're not "one of those gambler people", how they stay away from "those places", but then they follow it with: "But give me a (insert illegal drug here) any day!"
They KNOW, subconsciously, that they are pointing at other people and grouping them together as "bad" in order to deflect that judgment that they feel about THEMSELVES, otherwise they wouldn't have connected the two. That's how they are able to rationalize doing illegal drugs~ "Look at THOSE people, they're "bad", I'm not one of them... therefore whatever I do is innocent".
The other thing the same people will do is talk about how they do one drug but NOT this OTHER drug.. because only "bad" people do that other drug.
You can find examples of this deflection/projection habit all over the place in regions where people FEAR (consciously or unconsciously) that they're going to be the next one JUDGED and SHAMED, and therefore REJECTED, SLANDERED, and/or OSTRACIZED. (In some even more severely dysfunctional groups, even physically attacked or killed).
The effect is exponential; the more people there are who do it, the more people there are who learn to do it out of self-preservation, and then it becomes a behavioral habit just like the others. The effects of it on the community are very far-reaching and damaging. Entire societies have been decimated as a result of this behavior becoming "normalized".
The only way to stop the cycle is for individuals to simply stop doing it, and teach their children not to participate in this behavior, and why it's wrong. Unfortunately few are strong enough to endure the difficulty that comes with standing on one's own feet in a community that is constantly throwing stones; one must endure getting stones thrown at them and not throw any back, so the dysfunction just continues until the entire community dissolves in a cesspool of corruption, hostility, and crime.
There are many stories, parables, fables, films, and even Twilight Zone and Outer Limits episodes illustrating this very well, but very few seem to grasp the message.

Social Media Pros or Cons?

One of the positive things the Media and Social Media has accomplished is waking so many people up to the fact that they're not insignificant peasants without a voice and without personal power. One of the negative things the Media has accomplished is also waking people up to this fact, because it turns out that quite a lot of people were treating others with civility because they thought they "HAD TO" or some giant shame fist would pound them from the sky. Now that they feel "empowered", they have no "reason" to be respectful toward others, because they found out they have nothing to fear. Most only treat those with "respect" who they think might punch them out if they don't, or those who they want attention and approval from. So instead of adding goodness to the world, they're increasing the lowest common denominator. 

Hope it's a phase...

Forms of Sabotage And Domination

 Forms of Sabotage And Domination
Some common subtle and obvious forms of sabotage and domination displays*:

> frequently interrupting a person while they're working, practicing, or concentrating on something.

> frequently interrupting a person and pulling them away from what they're doing for any number of "reasons"

> inserting one's self into a task or project a target person is working on, without being asked, either physically or verbally

> trying to take over another person's project or task; trying to insert one's self as "Leader" in another person's project or task; trying to "direct" another person's project or task from the sidelines

> playing up the experience, talent, and ability of someone ELSE in order to diminish and dismiss the experience, talent, and ability of a target person, in both group settings and one on one; playing up the physical strength and/or "toughness" of someone ELSE in order to diminish and dismiss both in a target person

 > inviting a target to be part of a project, but then treating them as if they aren't a "real member" of the team, or aren't really wanted or welcome, and aren't worthy of common respect

> making remarks that imply "flaws" about a target person, either physical, mental, or emotional, in order to diminish them and elevate themselves, often in front of others
(this is usually done by making up "flaws" where none actually exist, for instance turning a person's slenderness into a "flaw", or their freckles, or their larger or smaller height or build, or their teeth, their hair, even their higher level of talent or skill)

> purposely doling out to a target person smaller versions and portions of food, supplies, resources, and tools than themselves or others

> frequently interrupting target person's concentration by making noises, moving things around, playing music, making louder than necessary noises while working nearby, and talking loudly near a target's work space

> every time a target goes to do something, a request or demand is made of them

> every time a target is getting ready for something, such as going to work, getting ready for a class, or going to a social event, they are bombarded with suggestions, corrections, or warnings
(key word is "bombarded", key phrase "every time"; giving the occasional suggestion or warning, or telling them they missed a button or forget their wallet or that there's a stain on their shirt when they're going somewhere important is healthy and normal relating. When it's done more than absolutely necessary, it becomes "infantalizing"; treating a person like they're incompetent in order to gain/keep power over them, and can cause serious problems for the person)

> frequently denying and/or diminishing ideas, requests, or plans that a target makes; agreeing to ideas, requests, or plans, and then canceling, changing them, or simply not showing up, with no remorse

> making requests of another person for assistance or a job and then blowing them off or hiring someone else without saying anything

> purposely hiring someone else for something in order to diminish and dismiss the skill, experience, or talent of a target person

> using another person's work for one's own project but withholding recognition, credit, or payment; claiming it as one's own

> purposely asking the advice, expertise, and assistance of someone other than the target person, and NOT the target person, especially about things that the target is skilled and experienced in, while the target is present

> denying simple and reasonable requests made by a target; acting as if the target's appropriate requests are huge burdens and very unreasonable

> making a large number of requests for assistance, often so many that the target is kept from getting his or her own tasks done; demanding more and more of the target's time so they can't get any of their own needs, goals or desires met that don't serve the other (Controller) person

> making louder than necessary noises when it is known that others are sleeping, resting, or doing something that requires a quiet atmosphere

> physically stepping in front of another person; stepping between two people in order to redirect the attention of one of them away from the other and onto one's self

> actually answering the question asked of another person, and interrupting/talking over them to do it

> trying to gain the sexual attention of a person (by using flirting, body display, ego stroking, or other covert means) when they are known to be in a couple, on a date, or in a committed relationship.

> invading the personal space of another person; uninvited touching of another person; "nit-picking" (always picking lint, rearranging hair, 'spit-cleaning' another person's face, etc., especially when obviously not welcomed, and even moreso when the relationship is not close)

> talking over another person; constantly correcting and interrupting; talking every time the other person starts to speak

> condescension; extreme over-explaining; evasion of answering questions; refusal to give direct, polite answers

> unsolicited, unasked for "advice" and "instruction"; giving "advice" or "instruction" that's not actually informative but is simply insulting.

> making comments that imply that the target is a novice, physically weak, a beginner, incapable, or inept, often rationalized as "kidding around"

> behaving as if a person is "invisible", doesn't exist, or is "lower status", especially while they're standing right there; obviously leaving them out of introductions and conversation, not responding to their conversation or greeting; responding disrespectfully or rudely

> purposely blocking access to resources, certain work, education in certain areas

> purposely modifying education and work so that a target receives less education and information than another; must do more or more difficult or tedious work than another for the same pay; has to endure more hostility and less benefit than another

> messing with electric supply, water supply, or sabotaging or stealing tools, supplies, or equipment in order to sabotage a target's project or task

> damaging, destroying, or hiding a target person's finished or unfinished work



*many of these sabotage and domination displays are the same as Chimpanzee behavior; some are exactly the same, while others have been modified because of things such as spoken language, clothing and technology. They are often "covered up" and rationalized by humans because they don't want to be caught doing something that is considered a violation of rights, that's criminal, or will expose their real motivations and intentions.

Both humans and Chimpanzees receive neurochemical charge from dominance displays.
Chimpanzee survival depends on their hierarchy mostly because other Chimpanzee troupes will try to dominate and take over their territory; Bonobos, who are also Chimpanzees, do not display the same extreme hierarchy displays and survive just fine, maintaining a peaceful atmosphere, and enjoying friendships and group activities.
Apparently both Chimpanzees and Humans who are fixated on gaining dominance over others are simply addicted to the neurochemical charge they get from it.
Humans who are apparently addicted will, like any other addict, defend the "reasons" why dominance and hierarchy are "important", but they're the only ones defending it; those who know how to cooperate, negotiate, compromise and share, who make a lot of progress and are solution-oriented don't defend domination or "hierarchy", and don't seek it.

Children Rebel and Reject Guidance

Children, younger and older, are going to reject guidance and rebel against their parents, teachers, and other adults. It's what they do, they're real people who are growing up. They need the adults around them to be consistent, show them what healthy living and values are by doing them, not just telling them. Kids learn to respect others by watching adults respect one another, and they learn to respect themselves by watching adults respect themselves, and them. They learn from the adults around them how to deal with conflict and find solutions, how to keep believing in themselves regardless of what happens, how to treat others well and why it's important, how to deal with negative people, how to keep going toward their goals and not keep giving up and why there are great reasons to embrace and love this life we have each been blessed with.

They need adults around them who make happy, strong, and peaceful mentors. Who are stronger than their fears, their anger, and their anxiety, who hold the fort, who are always a safe place to fall, and who keep their own boundaries and parameters healthy and intact.

They need adults around them who are stronger than the chaos and negativity outside the front door, and who will teach them to keep their own true identity, good humor, caring heart and creativity as they teach them to be self-disciplined, vigilant, and strong.
 
We need to be better than we really are, we need to try harder than we feel like it to be better human beings who are not living inside of our own emotional, anxiety, and control issues if we want our kids to learn how to be consistent, strong adults who know what good values and ethics are, why they're important, and how to navigate the world with all the different people in it.
Funny how we forget so quickly when we reach adulthood how the adults around us really made us feel when we were growing up, and how they each actually affected us for good or ill. Just because we looked up to someone doesn't mean they were a good influence, and vice versa. What definitely happened, though, was that they affected and influenced us, it's how we're made. Our subconscious knows the difference even if our conscious mind denies it.




~M.M.Black 2013

Narcissist/Controller Flag: Asking Questions But Countering The Answers

Narcissist/Controller Flag: Asking Questions But Countering The Answers (every time)

Controller: "What do you feel like for supper? Anything you want!"
Target: "Italian food!"
Controller: "How about Mexican."

C: "What kind of bird is that?"
T: "It's a yellow-bellied sapsucker."
C: "No it's not, it's some kind of pigeon."
T: "No, it's a yellow-bellied sapsucker."
C: "Whatever. Looks like a pigeon to me."

C: "Which singer do you like the best?"
T: "Steve Perry"
C: "Oh he sucks, and he's overrated. Robert Plant is way better."
T: "Also Whitney Houston"
C: "She was a druggie, I didn't like her voice, too squeaky."

C: "Where do you want to meet?"
T: "At the mall"
C: "How about at the commuter parking lot."
T: "Okay, we'll meet at the commuter parking lot."
C: "Let's meet at McDonald's"

C: "Which kind of donut do you want?"
T: "Boston Creme"
C: "Really? Why don't you want a jelly, they're better"

C: "Did you see the weather report?"
T: "They said it's going to rain."
C: "No, it's going to be nice out all day, see how the clouds are?"
T: "I don't know, that's what the report said, go look at the radar."
C: "No I don't need to look at the radar, I can tell by the sky."

C: "Want to go to the park tomorrow?"
T: "Sure! What time do you want to go?"
C: "Well I might have to work, and then I have to mow the lawn, and then I'm stopping at my friend's house. I'll let you know when I'm done."

It's all about CONTROL, control, control, and keeping control. The actual activities and information are not the real focus, and aren't important. The exchanges are just tactics to establish, maintain and reaffirm control.

One-Way-Communication: Narcissist Flag

Narcissist Flag, One-Way-Communication



Talking at length about bad things or good things that happened to them (relatively "normal")... seeking support, comfort, positive feedback, or celebration (completely "normal")...  making observations and information statements (pretty "normal").
All pretty normal; might seem a bit verbose, but that's not "Narcissism", that can just be personal communication style, even a family or regional communication style.
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The Narc. part is in their response when the OTHER person shares THEIR good things or bad things that have happened to them, or makes observational or informational statements.
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Talking about one's self, one's own experiences, or making observational statements during a conversation with a Narcissist means only one thing: the Narcissist is no longer in the spotlight, the direction of attention has SWITCHED from being on THEM to being on the OTHER PERSON. So the responses from them will range from invalidation to personal insults, to head-nodding, condescension, to unsolicited advice*, to countering, to talking over the person, to complete silence and total NON-response. Sometimes they aren't even listening at ALL, they are just waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can talk again.

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Basically the only time during the conversation the Narcissist is being "nice" is when the other person is behaving like an audience: a cheerleader, a sympathetic ear, a novice beginner  who believes everything they say and has zero knowledge or experience of their own, a sycophant who hangs on their every word with no input or talent of their own.

*(unsolicited advice: the person did NOT ask for advice nor gave consent to hear any, but here it comes anyway, often condescending and presumptuous)

~
Narcissists seek "audience members", not reciprocal friendships. They seek compassion and sympathy from others, but not as peers, more like as parents who will cradle a favored child and protect them from the other "bad" siblings, or as a teacher who favors one of their students against the other "bad" students. In making observations and information statements, they fancy themselves "teachers", "experts", "Ones Who Have Arrived".

Therefore~ when their Audience Member starts telling something good that happened to them, or things they've accomplished or experienced, the Narcissist gets annoyed~ they're not supposed to be in the spotlight, they're supposed to stay down in the audience! How selfish of them to try to STEAL the spotlight!

When their sympathetic ear, shoulder, and cradle starts to tell about a painful or frustrating experience, or something they're sad about, the Narcissist again gets annoyed~ they're supposed to STAY in that listener/sympathizer role because NOTHING in their lives could EVER BE as bad as what the Narcissist has been through or is dealing with, they MUST BE making a huge deal out of nothing, and really need to grow a thicker skin, and stop being so pathetic, and stop trying to get sympathy...!!! (And stop talking about things the Narcissist has done to others... but that doesn't get announced out loud...)

When their novice beginner student displays some kind of "knowledge" or "experience", that means the Narcissist has to SWITCH ROLES and get off his or her Podium, which will not do. The Narcissist HAS TO BE the "Teacher", the "Expert", the "One Who Knows MORE", "The One Who Has More Experience or Skill". (That's why they TROLL, condescend, and constantly counter other people's blogs and posts.)  They can't just join a conversation and ADD their own point of view or experiences, or answer a question without condescension or insult; they have to say the person is "wrong" or "stupid".
(It's not Narcissism just because we disagree with someone politely, or when we stand up against someone who is spewing hate speech. It is Narcissism when a person is trying to hammer another person down or humiliate them because they want to be seen as "right".)

Who Is The Narcissist?

Ironically, Narcissists will accuse another person of being  narcissistic, self-centered, or arrogant when the other person doesn't agree with everything they say, even if it's about them personally, such as "your favorite color is green" or "you like seafood" or "you are angry because..." or "you aren't good at..." or "you don't know much about...". They will also accuse them of narcissism or arrogance when they don't put up with their countering and personal insults during a conversation. They seem oblivious to their hostile behavior and disrespectful treatment, and they don't seem to know how to share their own point of view or observations WITHOUT saying the other person is "wrong". They seem to think that if they have another point of view or additional experience, it means that anything outside of that is "incorrect". (If two people climbed the same mountain on opposite sides and one of them was a Narcissist, when they reported their different experiences, the Narcissist's experience would be the one that was "right", and the other's would be "wrong", and the Narcissist would really believe that to be so. They would counter the other person's account of their climb experience, and possibly even accuse them of making things up that didn't match the Narcissist's perception. They can't ADD the two experiences together, and can't conceive that someone knows something they don't, or has experienced something that they have not. it has to be "right" or "wrong". The exception to this is with a person they have placed on a pedestal as a superhuman "expert/guru" who is above everyone (in their minds). They will keep them on that pedestal and probably try to be associated with them and/or mimic them, ... unless they get to know them personally, and then that person will become a target as well eventually.)

Truly Superior

Perhaps the number one thing to keep in mind about Narcissists is that they honestly, literally, fully believe that they are BETTER THAN YOU. As in categorically. They believe they are a superior KIND of human being, and you're NOT. You are not one of them, you're just not, and you never will be (in their minds).
Why do they talk to you, then?

Well you might be a relative, so they're "stuck" with you, but you can see their disdain by the way they don't invite you to things, or constantly criticize and correct you, or leave you out of conversations and decisions, or treat you like you're incompetent, unstable, or just not good enough.
They might have mistaken you for one of THEM when they first met you, so they wanted to hook up with you and rule the world (according to THEIR plans, of course).
They might see you as a way to improve their IMAGE by association with you.
They might want to own you, like a pet, or a slave.
They might be fixated on having sex with you.
They might only talk to you when there's no one else around.
They might want something you have, anything at all, from money, to your car, your house, your family, your career, your reputation, your "power" (if they think you have some). It could even be your dog, or your friends; who knows.
They might want to get into places and associate with people that you have access to.
They might want to be YOUR "sidekick", and for you to be their "protector", parent, caretaker, bodyguard, provider.



~(If a Narcissist is reading this post right now, their reaction will most likely be eye-rolling or some kind of invalidation like "Oh brother, who cares?!", or defensive justification of the behavior they recognize like "Everyone does that!" or "Some people really ARE 'losers'!", or they'll adamantly deny they do any of these things, or ever have even come close to doing any of them, and could never, ever, ever, and anyone who does do them is EVIL and should be burned at the stake, or completely insane and should be locked away forever (deflection/projection/extreme reaction/lack of objectivity or empathy).)

Lack Of Self Control and Narcissism

If you can picture something you have a "weakness" for~ such as chocolate, or other sweets~ when you pass by the cookie tray, you know you "shouldn't", but you take one anyway. Same with other things, like breaking certain rules even though we know better, like turning right on red at a light that says "No Right On Red", or speeding, or bringing candy to the movie theater.

Now apply this "weakness" and "rule breaking" habits to relationships with PEOPLE. That's how Narcissists think.

"Well it's just one cookie".... Well, it's just one dance, just one sexually charged embrace, just one kiss, just one french kiss, just one bodily fluid exchange... no big DEAL... (as long as they get away with it... no one's going to find out, right? No harm no foul? What they don't know won't hurt them?...)

"The cashier didn't charge me for those socks, well it's just a couple of dollars".... Well, I didn't pay her back the money she loaned me, but I will eventually, when I get around to it, when I get some extra money, when I have nothing I want to buy for myself, it's just a few thousand dollars...

"It's normal not to tell your partner every little detail of your life when you're apart, you don't have to tell them every single thing"... Umm... I didn't tell you about buying the boat because I didn't think you'd mind... Umm... I didn't tell you about the party because you don't like that kind of thing.... Umm... I didn't tell you about the vacation with my "buddies" because, umm, you probably wouldn't want to go anyway... Uhh.. I didn't tell you about going to the bar with her/him because you don't really like that kind of atmosphere... Oh, I didn't tell you about the school play because I figured you'd be busy...

Because of their poor self-control and weak boundaries, many Narcissists become habitual liars in continuous covering up of their behaviors. They can become so habitual that they lose their awareness of the act of lying and fabrication, and end up living in a world of delusion that they fully expect others to SWALLOW. Amazingly, if someone does NOT swallow their Tall Tales, and even if they have irrefutable proof and several witnesses, the Narcissist will become ANGRY AT THEM. It's as if the non-believer is doing a HOSTILE DEED to them by "bursting their bubble", destroying their illusion. There is NO remorse for the trouble, disaster, and often devastation they have caused, their only emotion is about getting caught, and getting called out.