It is good to prove our own strength and ability to ourselves, and let it build our confidence. Comparing ourselves to others and trying to prove we are superior is not the same thing, and is not required to build confidence. It can have the effect of becoming a negative habit, where we become satisfied with ourselves as long as we can find someone to dominate. Eventually we stop looking for our own growth and seek out flaws in others, or even create them if we can't find any.
Narcissist Parents
"
"I am 19, female. For years it's been like this.. my parents are always criticizing me over everything. I was going out with this one guy for two years, and we were engaged. I lost my virginity to him at 18 while engaged, thinking we were getting married. Well, he betrayed me and broke my heart. Awhile passed, and I met this new guy. We're truly in love, and really feel we're the one for each other. We just had that sudden connection and bonding that is so nice. We are starting to get serious though. I am loving this situation between he and I. Problem is, is my parents. I can never talk to them without them critizing me. They treat me like a child, making me do chores all the time, doing their chores, threatening to spank me all the time, force me to stay at home when I forgot to do a chore, and control where I go in my car. When I was out job-hunting a lot (I am laid off), I would need their gas credit card to get gas. Well, my dad would scream at me if he saw that I got a soda or two while getting gas. He'd yell at me when I got gas and forgot to inform him. So now that my boyfriend and I are getting serious, I would like to tell my parents about the situation, and how I feel about him. But I am scared to because with my ex, they criticized me. I didn't even tell them yet that I am not a virgin anymore. Last night coming home from seeing my boyfriend, they wanted to talk to me about the "Sex talk." Mad because I am 19, and know what sex is.. but they think I know nothing about it. Today, I cried because I wanted to tell my parents about some ants that got in my room. They yelled at me for that. I am sick right now, and they wanted me to clean. I have done most of it, and my dad checked up on me and saw I wasn't finished so he started yelling at me. Right when I tried to respond, he slams my door. My mom used to be a severe alcoholic, now she drinks heavily once or twice a week (not sure if that's still considred alcoholism). When she's drunk, she triew to find me and she hits me, and yells at me. My dad doesn't drink, but he is stressed from having no job so he takes it out on me. My parents blame me for everything that happens in the house. If a diet coke is gone from the fridge, I get yelled at, and I don't even drink diet coke. I can't tell them anything, I feel like a young child in this house. My younger sister gets to do what she wants. She smokes, and plays video games all day. My parents know and don't care. I personally prefer not to drink, smoke, or do drugs, I attend online college full-time, and I do spend my time on this advice column giving advice; but today I need advice myself. I am trying my best to get a job, and leave.. my boyfriend is going to find a place after he gets home from Myrtle Beach which, and comes back next Sunday (not this coming one). When he does, and I move with him, I lose everything.. so I guess I am screwed. I can't move in with anyone else for that same reason, plus no one will take me in temporarily. Please help me, and give me advice on this matter. I just feel broken and helpess, when I am trying my best to stay strong. Thanks in advance.
"When they saw what awards I had earned, they complimented me and told my mom that she should be so proud to have such a beautiful and smart daughter like me. She just nodded and somehow managed to turn the conversation over to my brother’s graduation."
"My mom only focuses on my weaknesses, not strengths. I’ve asked her why she has to compare me to other girls and why she has to criticize me. She says she compares me to other girls because it’s supposed to be an inspiration for me to do better. In my head, I’m thinking, “So everything I’ve done hasn’t even reached good?” "
"My mom only focuses on my weaknesses, not strengths. I’ve asked her why she has to compare me to other girls and why she has to criticize me. She says she compares me to other girls because it’s supposed to be an inspiration for me to do better. In my head, I’m thinking, “So everything I’ve done hasn’t even reached good?” "
"My dad constantly puts me down and criticizes me.
I am a normal 14 year old girl who has good grades, has never done drugs or had sex (like most kids at school), never had a boyfriend and I am very calm/patient/mellow. I'm not the kind of person who talks back and yells all the time. I just take a deep breath and move on but lately, that technique is wearing out. Today, when I was playing piano my dad (who acts very snotty and arrogant) huffs loudly from his room when I apparently made a "mistake", walks out of his room into the living room (where I am playing piano) and says, "You've played this for a long time and you never get anything right. You play like crap and you get this mixed up and messed up all the time." then he goes back to his room and slams the door. It's called "practicing piano" for a reason, for god's sake. Am I not allowed to make mistakes? The problem is, I practice piano EVERYDAY and he criticizes me EVERYDAY. I make mistakes but at least, I try to fix them.
He puts me down how I eat too much (when I don't), he says "THANK YOU." arrogantly whenever I kindly refuse a meal that is offered to me, if he misunderstands and thinks I'm disrespecting him he talks to me like a little piece of crap. For example, today I was laying down on my top bunk on my laptop. He was peeking over trying to look at my laptop (he's extremely nosy) and started talking. I turned over but not out of disrespect, I was going to listen but I was just randomly tossing and turning. He misunderstood and thought I was blowing him off. He said, "I talking to you, OK." in an angry, stern voice. (He's Asian, excuse the grammar. Hehe.) So I turned around and he proceeded to tell me that my niece who is the same age as me studies until 11PM. How was that going to benefit me? Obviously, that would only make me feel bad and he knew that. I know what you're going to say. "Sit him down and have a talk with him." Our family doesn't work that way. We don't sit down and have talks. If I ever sat him down to talk about how he's treated me, he'd just yell and say, "How do I insult you all time?!" and have these dramatic outbursts. I just need advice how to cope with this because it's driving me into depression.
I feel like dirt whenever he insults/criticizes me and I'm sick of it. Whenever I cry, it's always related to family. I can't handle it anymore. He even treats my older sister better than me AND my mom. He treats my mom like a piece of ****, too. She cooks all his meals EVERYDAY and I never heard him say Thank You. EVER. He only thanks my sister when she visits home and cooks for him. My dad talks to my mom like he KNOWS he's better than her and that he's the best at everything and that he's better than everyone but especially her. My mom admits that she only stays with him so we can keep paying off the house and feed the family. I cried when she told me this. He's a snobby, stuck-up, arrogant asshole. I've TRIED to find ways to love him but he makes it impossible. I don't like him. This may seem harsh but I don't think I would care if he left this house. He makes me cry all the time and never expresses love towards me. Only my older sister because she acts fake and sucks up to him.
I need help, please.
* 2 years ago
(Additional Details)
@Definitely no Aphrodite - He is not my stepdad so I'm Asian too! I'm not trying to bash on our race but our race tends to be strict, you know? I cannot live with my sister since I go to school here and I don't like my sister very much.
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
I've been there done that. You father is exhibiting behaviors he learned and experienced at home. His parents or whomever raised him treated him the exact way especially being Asian. Asian people are proud people with a very rich heritage. He wants you to pick up where he failed as a child in his parents eyes. He had a sad childhood. Forgive him that's all he knows. Without disrespecting him. standing up for yourself is NOT disrespect. Ask him kindly about his childhood and watch how angry he will get. This will give you the answer you are seeking. When you get the answer my advice to you is to try to understand how he grew up and why he gets on you. This is the only way he knows how to show you love because this is how "love" was shown to him this is what he thinks is love. when he gets angry you be nicer to him and eventually he will change. DO not encourage his negativity. for example if he says"why cant you play the piano yet ? kindly reply I understand how important it is for you that I learn how to play the piano and how much money you spent for me to take lessons but dad remember I also have school that I have to focus on and you know how much getting a good education means to me.Or would you like to practice with me dad? He will change over time when he sees that you're not giving into his negativity.
Source(s):
Personal experience of living with abusive father for 24 years. I'm 30 years old and I have begun a new life from past abuse. I know what its like living with a father like yours. Good luck and if you ever need more advice let me know. Good luck and have patience I know you can do it!
"I am 19, female. For years it's been like this.. my parents are always criticizing me over everything. I was going out with this one guy for two years, and we were engaged. I lost my virginity to him at 18 while engaged, thinking we were getting married. Well, he betrayed me and broke my heart. Awhile passed, and I met this new guy. We're truly in love, and really feel we're the one for each other. We just had that sudden connection and bonding that is so nice. We are starting to get serious though. I am loving this situation between he and I. Problem is, is my parents. I can never talk to them without them critizing me. They treat me like a child, making me do chores all the time, doing their chores, threatening to spank me all the time, force me to stay at home when I forgot to do a chore, and control where I go in my car. When I was out job-hunting a lot (I am laid off), I would need their gas credit card to get gas. Well, my dad would scream at me if he saw that I got a soda or two while getting gas. He'd yell at me when I got gas and forgot to inform him. So now that my boyfriend and I are getting serious, I would like to tell my parents about the situation, and how I feel about him. But I am scared to because with my ex, they criticized me. I didn't even tell them yet that I am not a virgin anymore. Last night coming home from seeing my boyfriend, they wanted to talk to me about the "Sex talk." Mad because I am 19, and know what sex is.. but they think I know nothing about it. Today, I cried because I wanted to tell my parents about some ants that got in my room. They yelled at me for that. I am sick right now, and they wanted me to clean. I have done most of it, and my dad checked up on me and saw I wasn't finished so he started yelling at me. Right when I tried to respond, he slams my door. My mom used to be a severe alcoholic, now she drinks heavily once or twice a week (not sure if that's still considred alcoholism). When she's drunk, she triew to find me and she hits me, and yells at me. My dad doesn't drink, but he is stressed from having no job so he takes it out on me. My parents blame me for everything that happens in the house. If a diet coke is gone from the fridge, I get yelled at, and I don't even drink diet coke. I can't tell them anything, I feel like a young child in this house. My younger sister gets to do what she wants. She smokes, and plays video games all day. My parents know and don't care. I personally prefer not to drink, smoke, or do drugs, I attend online college full-time, and I do spend my time on this advice column giving advice; but today I need advice myself. I am trying my best to get a job, and leave.. my boyfriend is going to find a place after he gets home from Myrtle Beach which, and comes back next Sunday (not this coming one). When he does, and I move with him, I lose everything.. so I guess I am screwed. I can't move in with anyone else for that same reason, plus no one will take me in temporarily. Please help me, and give me advice on this matter. I just feel broken and helpess, when I am trying my best to stay strong. Thanks in advance.
"Oh Mom. Oh Honey." From The Washington Post
"Do you think you would have accomplished all this if you had stayed
married?" "Absolutely not," I said. "If I'd stayed married, I wouldn't
have gone to grad school to get my PhD."
"Well," she replied, "if you'd stayed married you wouldn't have had to." Ouch. With her casual remark, my mother had reduced all I had accomplished to the consolation prize.
Making Narcissists
If a child is treated as a Prince or a
Princess by one person, (or people), and treated with contempt and abuse
by another person (or people), then the child often ends up believing
that life is good only when they are being treated like royalty. They
may automatically FEAR, or become enraged, with anyone who does not
treat them like royalty, because that means those people are of the
OTHER kind ~...
the abusive ones. Maturing out of this imprint might be close to
impossible, and extremely painful for the person, it's the world that
was given to them. They were not shown enough healthy boundaries,
healthy interaction, or healthy encouragement and discipline to offset
the other extreme treatment. They really have no idea what it's like to
co-exist with others; they were either being put on a throne, or thrown
in the dungeon. On the throne, they are taught that they are above all
others, and anyone who is upset is "just jealous of them" and not to be
cared about, and in the dungeon they are fighting for their very hearts
and hides, so no time or strength to care for others. So either life is a
feather pillow with servants, or you are being thrown in the dirt,
ostracized, and starved. This is one way Narcissists are made.
For those who don't like metaphors and analogies, here is a real life example.
Little Frankie is 7 years old. His parents Susanna and Steven work a lot, but both sets of grandparents volunteer to help babysit. When Frankie is at Susanna's parents house, his grandfather treats him like the "son he never had". He spends lots of good, positive time with Frankie, teaching him how to do everything he thinks a "son" should know how to do. All the positive time spent with Frankie would be good, if it weren't for the exaggerated praise he gives his grandson; anything that Frankie does, Susanna's father praises him as if he has accomplished a great feat. This both confuses Frankie and inflates his very young ego to uncomfortable levels. He does not like to discipline Frankie when he breaks rules or talks back, and makes excuses for his behavior, his favorite being "boys will be boys". He keeps much of his time with Frankie separate from his wife, because he does not want her to see how much he dotes on him, especially since he did not treat his own daughter with the same attention he is lavishing on Frankie. When Susanna's mother does get to spend time with him, she is often doing "domestic/housewife/mother" things like cooking or cleaning, so Frankie's experience of his Grandmother is very limited; Frankie believes that what he sees her doing is ALL she is capable of. Susan's father encourages this belief because he thinks it's funny, and he is trying to turn Frankie into a sidekick-buddy, instead of raising his grandson as a well-rounded, aware, self-disciplined and empathetic person.
When Frankie goes to Steven's parents house, his experience is much different. Steven's parents are able to care for and watch Frankie, but they are both in less than optimum health, so they do not spend as much one on one time with Frankie, and can not really do the things they would like to do with him. So they are grateful that their other son Ron, Steven's brother, offers to take Frankie to his place often. Ron is married to Vicki, and they have two children of their own. Unbeknown to the rest of the family, the real reason Ron volunteers to take Frankie is to give his kids someone to play with while he and Vicki party. Ron and Vicki put all three kids in the "playroom" every day, and do not spend any time with them. If they are allowed to go outside, they are not allowed back in until suppertime. At suppertime, the atmosphere is extremely rigid, the children must speak in hushed tones or not at all, they must eat all that is served or they are punished with humiliating remarks, shame, and sometimes physical punishment. After supper they are sent back into the playroom, and are ordered to stay quiet. Frankie, especially, is spoken to with contempt and disdain because Ron and Vicki are very jealous of Steven and Susan, and they are not mature enough to see Frankie as a separate person, and a child. Frankie does not report their abuse to anyone because he is very afraid of them. Also, because of the ego-inflation treatment from Susan's father, he fears that coming forward would make others think of him as "less than a man", which, coming from a 7 year old child, is a large red flag that something is very wrong.
Because of these two extremes that Frankie experiences, he has begun the process of becoming a Narcissist; a person who is trapped in Ego, and does not get the chance to develop his inner Human Being. He only feels accepted and comfortable, and happy, when he is with the Grandfather that treats him like a little Prince instead of a Grandson; his experience outside of this Prince-treatment is dark and soul-draining. With so very little normalizing treatment in between where he is treated like just one of the gang and given REAL feedback of what he does and who he is, he is left without a mirror of the real Frankie, and does not have a real Mentor to guide him, or to show him calm, even-keeled love and interaction. No one is teaching Frankie to care about others, or why it's important at all. No one is mirroring the REAL Frankie back to him, or guiding him in how to behave, or what the world is really all about, or who other people are. No one is letting Frankie find out who HE really is. Frankie is being set up to become a shell of the person he could have become, and he will live in that SHELL, instead of fully inside of himself.
Poor Frankie, no one should have to grow up believing that they are either a Prince who will inherit a Throne and his own Kingdom when he grows up, or living in fear of humiliation and abandonment.
For those who don't like metaphors and analogies, here is a real life example.
Little Frankie is 7 years old. His parents Susanna and Steven work a lot, but both sets of grandparents volunteer to help babysit. When Frankie is at Susanna's parents house, his grandfather treats him like the "son he never had". He spends lots of good, positive time with Frankie, teaching him how to do everything he thinks a "son" should know how to do. All the positive time spent with Frankie would be good, if it weren't for the exaggerated praise he gives his grandson; anything that Frankie does, Susanna's father praises him as if he has accomplished a great feat. This both confuses Frankie and inflates his very young ego to uncomfortable levels. He does not like to discipline Frankie when he breaks rules or talks back, and makes excuses for his behavior, his favorite being "boys will be boys". He keeps much of his time with Frankie separate from his wife, because he does not want her to see how much he dotes on him, especially since he did not treat his own daughter with the same attention he is lavishing on Frankie. When Susanna's mother does get to spend time with him, she is often doing "domestic/housewife/mother" things like cooking or cleaning, so Frankie's experience of his Grandmother is very limited; Frankie believes that what he sees her doing is ALL she is capable of. Susan's father encourages this belief because he thinks it's funny, and he is trying to turn Frankie into a sidekick-buddy, instead of raising his grandson as a well-rounded, aware, self-disciplined and empathetic person.
When Frankie goes to Steven's parents house, his experience is much different. Steven's parents are able to care for and watch Frankie, but they are both in less than optimum health, so they do not spend as much one on one time with Frankie, and can not really do the things they would like to do with him. So they are grateful that their other son Ron, Steven's brother, offers to take Frankie to his place often. Ron is married to Vicki, and they have two children of their own. Unbeknown to the rest of the family, the real reason Ron volunteers to take Frankie is to give his kids someone to play with while he and Vicki party. Ron and Vicki put all three kids in the "playroom" every day, and do not spend any time with them. If they are allowed to go outside, they are not allowed back in until suppertime. At suppertime, the atmosphere is extremely rigid, the children must speak in hushed tones or not at all, they must eat all that is served or they are punished with humiliating remarks, shame, and sometimes physical punishment. After supper they are sent back into the playroom, and are ordered to stay quiet. Frankie, especially, is spoken to with contempt and disdain because Ron and Vicki are very jealous of Steven and Susan, and they are not mature enough to see Frankie as a separate person, and a child. Frankie does not report their abuse to anyone because he is very afraid of them. Also, because of the ego-inflation treatment from Susan's father, he fears that coming forward would make others think of him as "less than a man", which, coming from a 7 year old child, is a large red flag that something is very wrong.
Because of these two extremes that Frankie experiences, he has begun the process of becoming a Narcissist; a person who is trapped in Ego, and does not get the chance to develop his inner Human Being. He only feels accepted and comfortable, and happy, when he is with the Grandfather that treats him like a little Prince instead of a Grandson; his experience outside of this Prince-treatment is dark and soul-draining. With so very little normalizing treatment in between where he is treated like just one of the gang and given REAL feedback of what he does and who he is, he is left without a mirror of the real Frankie, and does not have a real Mentor to guide him, or to show him calm, even-keeled love and interaction. No one is teaching Frankie to care about others, or why it's important at all. No one is mirroring the REAL Frankie back to him, or guiding him in how to behave, or what the world is really all about, or who other people are. No one is letting Frankie find out who HE really is. Frankie is being set up to become a shell of the person he could have become, and he will live in that SHELL, instead of fully inside of himself.
Poor Frankie, no one should have to grow up believing that they are either a Prince who will inherit a Throne and his own Kingdom when he grows up, or living in fear of humiliation and abandonment.
Is He Or She Capable Of Support?
If they don't care about you as a person, they
aren't going to care about your opinions, or your well-being either.
You're just going to have to stop looking for reciprocal, caring support
and normal respect from those who aren't capable of giving it. You
don't expect your dog to rub your back when you've been working all day,
even though you feed him, care for him, and rub him every day; or your...
goldfish to make you soup when you're sick, even though you clean his
tank and feed him. Some are capable of reciprocal care and respect, and
some just aren't. Some are not even capable of seeing anything at all
that you do, or hearing what you say, or remembering anything you've
done, said, or been through. They just aren't, no more than a parakeet
is capable of helping you figure out how to build a plane. All you can
do is accept it, and learn from observation, and look elsewhere for real
support and friendship
Get Off The Political High Horse (Elephant)(Donkey)(etc)
Using
political labels to say who is "right" and who is "wrong", who is
"GOOD" and who is "BAD"... does not create unity, but only creates
separation. All of the political ideals have merit in some ways, and
cause detriment in other ways, but humans have a hard time with this;
they want one thing to be ALL BAD and the thing they like to be ALL
GOOD. Ideas are not people, ideas are not alive, ideas do not create
things. People who do things like identify themselves with an idea, and
vilify anyone who does not go along with the "side" they have chosen
voluntarily create separation. Just doing what primates do, identifying
with a group, and calling the other group "THEM", instead of leaving
ideas where they belong, in objectivity-land, where they can be viewed
without bias and learned from, without becoming a cult.
Proving You're A "Good Person" To A Narcissist
No matter how much you help, how much you
give, how long you listen, how many things you do, how hard you work, it
will never get through to a person with Narcissism. They need you to be
the self-centered one, the petty one, the dumb one, the crazy one, and
you can not do anything to prove otherwise, ever. You could become a nun
or a priest, go on a mission and succeed in saving the entire contin...ent
of Africa from tyranny and starvation, and they would still see you in
the same exact light. You see, anything about you that is not about
them, any attention you pay that is not to them, anything you do that
doesn't serve them, they will always see as you're "wrongdoing". You
could listen to them talk about their problems for 5 hours, literally,
and they won't notice; but the moment you bring something up about
yourself, even for a minute, their alarm goes off. They don't actually
see reality, they see a construct of their own imagination, created to
make them feel better about themselves. It will not change, ever, so let
it go, put your focus on the world beyond them. It's still there, even
if they have convinced you that it's not, and you're still a full
member, you belong, even if they have convinced you that you never did.
You really, really, really do.
Patriarchy Matriarchy Humanarchy
A culture that consistently calls women who
aren't afraid to speak their minds "characters", "brave", or
"intelligent", and men who aren't afraid to speak their minds "bitches",
"crazy", or "out of line", is ultimately doomed to fail. Or was it the
other way around?.. well it doesn't matter, it's the same result either
way.
Blame Game: Narcissism
Question:
"
"EVERYTHING, AND I DO MEAN EVERYTHING.
They are INCAPABLE of accepting responsibility for ANYTHING.
To a narcissist:
Youre hurt? YOUR FAULT
They disrespected you? Nope. YOU'RE too sensitive.
You feel lonely? YOURE TOO NEEDY.
You see the pattern. The only thing a narc would cop to are GOOD things.
Great party? THEIR idea.
Great sex? They're a sexual god..."
~ After Narcissistic Abuse There Is Light And Love
Find this excellent resource page and support forum on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?ref=stream&__req=c
"
"EVERYTHING, AND I DO MEAN EVERYTHING.
They are INCAPABLE of accepting responsibility for ANYTHING.
To a narcissist:
Youre hurt? YOUR FAULT
They disrespected you? Nope. YOU'RE too sensitive.
You feel lonely? YOURE TOO NEEDY.
You see the pattern. The only thing a narc would cop to are GOOD things.
Great party? THEIR idea.
Great sex? They're a sexual god..."
~ After Narcissistic Abuse There Is Light And Love
Find this excellent resource page and support forum on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?ref=stream&__req=c
Don't Call Them Liberals
The people in modern America who keep calling themselves "Liberals" actually fall under a different political ideology. A history-genius friend of mine pointed me in the direction of "Statism", under which there are several subcategories. The term that describes the people who keep claiming to be "Left" and "Liberal" are actually much closer to "Authoritarians".
"Authoritarianism, on the other hand, views a strong, authoritative state as required to legislate or enforce morality and cultural practices. The ideology of statism espoused by fascism holds that sovereignty is not vested in the people but in the nation state, and that all individuals and associations exist only to enhance the power, prestige and well-being of the state. It repudiates individualism and exalts the nation as an organic body headed by the Supreme Leader and nurtured by unity, force, and discipline. Fascism and some forms of corporatism extol the moral position that the corporate group, usually the state, is greater than the sum of its parts and that individuals have a moral obligation to serve the state.
Click on the Wiki link to read, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statism
"Authoritarianism, on the other hand, views a strong, authoritative state as required to legislate or enforce morality and cultural practices. The ideology of statism espoused by fascism holds that sovereignty is not vested in the people but in the nation state, and that all individuals and associations exist only to enhance the power, prestige and well-being of the state. It repudiates individualism and exalts the nation as an organic body headed by the Supreme Leader and nurtured by unity, force, and discipline. Fascism and some forms of corporatism extol the moral position that the corporate group, usually the state, is greater than the sum of its parts and that individuals have a moral obligation to serve the state.
Click on the Wiki link to read, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statism
LIBERAL MEANS WHAAA ...?
Newsflash: You can't actually be a "Liberal" and be anti-Christian at the same time, or anti-gun ownership. Time to find a new word to describe the club.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liberalism
Liberalism (from the Latin liberalis)[1] is a political philosophy or worldview founded on ideas of liberty and equality.[2] Liberals espouse a wide array of views depending on their understanding of these principles, but generally they support ideas such as free and fair elections, civil rights, freedom of the press, freedom of religion, free trade, and private property. Liberalism first became a distinct political movement during the Age of Enlightenment, when it became popular among philosophers and economists in the Western world. Liberalism rejected the notions, common at the time, of hereditary privilege, state religion, absolute monarchy, and the Divine Right of Kings. The early liberal thinker John Locke is often credited with founding liberalism as a distinct philosophical tradition. Locke argued that each man has a natural right to life, liberty and property[8] and according to the social contract governments must not violate these rights. Liberals opposed traditional conservatism and sought to replace absolutism in government with democracy and the rule of law.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liberalism
Liberalism (from the Latin liberalis)[1] is a political philosophy or worldview founded on ideas of liberty and equality.[2] Liberals espouse a wide array of views depending on their understanding of these principles, but generally they support ideas such as free and fair elections, civil rights, freedom of the press, freedom of religion, free trade, and private property. Liberalism first became a distinct political movement during the Age of Enlightenment, when it became popular among philosophers and economists in the Western world. Liberalism rejected the notions, common at the time, of hereditary privilege, state religion, absolute monarchy, and the Divine Right of Kings. The early liberal thinker John Locke is often credited with founding liberalism as a distinct philosophical tradition. Locke argued that each man has a natural right to life, liberty and property[8] and according to the social contract governments must not violate these rights. Liberals opposed traditional conservatism and sought to replace absolutism in government with democracy and the rule of law.
Relationship Choices
When we decide to join with someone in friendship, companionship, who has set themselves on a path of healing, discovery, or enlightenment, we are making this choice with our eyes wide open. This means respecting their journey, their choices, the direction they walk, the things they are doing, learning, and sharing. We are not entering into a leader-follower relationship. We do not get to tell them what they should or should not be doing, or talking about, or where they should go or not go. If we can not respect their path and are compelled to control them, argue with them, put them down, try to get them to stop learning, sharing, and doing what they do, then we need to simply leave them be.
All friendship and companionship is a choice, there is no one in our lives whom we are entitled to treat with less respect than another. (And we wouldn't want to, unless we are wrapped up in trying to prove ourselves Greater than another.)
All friendship and companionship is a choice, there is no one in our lives whom we are entitled to treat with less respect than another. (And we wouldn't want to, unless we are wrapped up in trying to prove ourselves Greater than another.)
Point Of View
If we see two people arguing, most of us take the side of the person we identify with. We identify with them for various reasons; maybe the talk like us, look like us, or remind us of someone we like. Maybe they are the same gender or the same race. Maybe they belong to the same political party, or the same club, or have similar interests. Maybe they like something that we like, or express an opinion that we agree with.
Taking sides is common, but it means we have decided that we will hear only one point of view, as if the person we have chosen is "right", and the other is "wrong", across the board. We no longer hear each person objectively. We stop hearing what each person is actually saying, and we back the PERSON instead of the actual discussion points. We are against the other PERSON and therefore dismiss and oppose everything they say, and again do not hear any of the actual discussion points.
Taking sides is common, but it means we have decided that we will hear only one point of view, as if the person we have chosen is "right", and the other is "wrong", across the board. We no longer hear each person objectively. We stop hearing what each person is actually saying, and we back the PERSON instead of the actual discussion points. We are against the other PERSON and therefore dismiss and oppose everything they say, and again do not hear any of the actual discussion points.
Peace
The trick to peace within our own hearts is to put it in the hearts of others. When we desire peace within the hearts of others, all others, especially those who we tend to feel anger toward, that is when we feel it within our own hearts. Until then, we go round and round in circles, trying to get peace for ourselves from a void, trying to make it happen with intellect, trying to prove that we deserve it. The trick is simple, all we have to do is stop thinking about how we deserve it, or who deserves it, and just give it to others. It can only be created by giving, not by taking. Like lighting a fire in the stove to receive its warmth. We are not going to get warm by trying to make the air give us heat, we have to actually make the fire outside of ourselves. Then all who come near can be warmed by its flames. Getting angry at the fire and throwing water on it, destroying it, takes our own warmth away. The warmth we were receiving. Peace is like fire, we can only receive it, and feel its warmth, if we create it outside ourselves in the hearts of others.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays to all who are having another celebration!
Whatever you are celebrating, Peace and Joy to you, and may warmth, light, and love flood your being, your heart and your soul.
Needy People, Bad Daughters, Weak People, Crazy Mothers, Stupid People
Is your daughter crazy, a slob, a bitch?
Is your girlfriend too needy, too verbose, doesn't do what she's told?
Is your boyfriend driving you crazy with his affection, or his effeminate behavior?
Are you sick of your mother thinking that she can do anything that a man can do, and wish she'd just accept the fact that she's just a woman and has limitations?
Does it drive you nuts how wussy your friend is, and how he doesn't ask for your advice?
Do you constantly think your son is in need of correction, or doesn't deserve your approval as a person?
Are you disgusted by the way some people don't keep up a sparkling image with their clothes, their hair, their car?
Do you hate people who seem to have everything handed to them?
Does it get on your nerves when people who just SHOULD NOT DO what they "think" they're good at keep doing it anyway?
Do you believe that everyone has the exact same start in life, and some just choose to fail?
Do you notice when people make mstiakes, and believe that these mistakes are evidence of their incompetence as a human being?
Do you believe that everyone who does not share your point of view about all things is an idiot?
Does it piss you off when someone wants you to listen to their point of view, or to treat them with the same respect that you expect from them?
Do you honestly believe that you are always the one being attacked, and that you are never the one doing the disrespecting?
When you read something that does not have your name in it, or is not addressed to you, do you assume it's about you anyway, or against you, and not consider the possibility that it was never about you, but since you identified with whatever was written, you assumed it was?
You might want to look this up, here's a link (click on it): Narcissism
See if you can find your name.
Is your girlfriend too needy, too verbose, doesn't do what she's told?
Is your boyfriend driving you crazy with his affection, or his effeminate behavior?
Are you sick of your mother thinking that she can do anything that a man can do, and wish she'd just accept the fact that she's just a woman and has limitations?
Does it drive you nuts how wussy your friend is, and how he doesn't ask for your advice?
Do you constantly think your son is in need of correction, or doesn't deserve your approval as a person?
Are you disgusted by the way some people don't keep up a sparkling image with their clothes, their hair, their car?
Do you hate people who seem to have everything handed to them?
Does it get on your nerves when people who just SHOULD NOT DO what they "think" they're good at keep doing it anyway?
Do you believe that everyone has the exact same start in life, and some just choose to fail?
Do you notice when people make mstiakes, and believe that these mistakes are evidence of their incompetence as a human being?
Do you believe that everyone who does not share your point of view about all things is an idiot?
Does it piss you off when someone wants you to listen to their point of view, or to treat them with the same respect that you expect from them?
Do you honestly believe that you are always the one being attacked, and that you are never the one doing the disrespecting?
When you read something that does not have your name in it, or is not addressed to you, do you assume it's about you anyway, or against you, and not consider the possibility that it was never about you, but since you identified with whatever was written, you assumed it was?
You might want to look this up, here's a link (click on it): Narcissism
See if you can find your name.
End Of Time
Take me on a trip
And burn my lungs
I'm waiting for you to burn my mind
You heard me out, as I quietly sung
The discomfort of my imagination.
Love in my life will never last
That's not negativity, only reality
And the lustful lights are hidden beneath this grass
Where they fill his eyes made of black seas
So here I am now choking on these desperate speaking lies
... While its doing it's job and scorching my mind,
I sing the melody I sang ever sense birth
And scream the wanted feeling of self assurance...
I want to call it mine
I feel it's the end of time .
by Hannah Mariotti
12 20 12
And burn my lungs
I'm waiting for you to burn my mind
You heard me out, as I quietly sung
The discomfort of my imagination.
Love in my life will never last
That's not negativity, only reality
And the lustful lights are hidden beneath this grass
Where they fill his eyes made of black seas
So here I am now choking on these desperate speaking lies
... While its doing it's job and scorching my mind,
I sing the melody I sang ever sense birth
And scream the wanted feeling of self assurance...
I want to call it mine
I feel it's the end of time .
by Hannah Mariotti
12 20 12
Why Do People Ignore Me
"ASK THE THERAPIST: 'WHY DO PEOPLE IGNORE ME' "
(Answer at the bottom of page)
Q. I don’t know why, but people ignore me all the time. I try to be friendly at work or what very little social situations I might be in, but when I speak, they just look away. I could be walking down a hallway at work, say hello to someone, they look right at me and keep walking. It makes me feel like I could die inside.
I attend a group exercise class 3 nights a week, and everyone talks out loud to the instructor or the rest of the class, but when I say something, everything goes quiet, and my comment is totally ignored.
I really am a friendly, funny and intelligent person. Being the last of 4 children in my family, I’ve learn to be the ‘comedian’. I tried that angle too, but to no avail.
I have absolutely no friends. My last ‘friend’ was in elementary school (I am 43 now), and I just recently found her contact info on a website, and we started communication, but now she won’t respond back to my last (only 2nd) email. I re-read it over and over to see what possibly could have turned her off, but I cannot find any reason.
My husband doesn’t understand. He is a very sociable guy. Men and women are naturally attracted to him. When we are with his friends, again – when I speak they just turn away and start speaking with him.
I sometimes think it’s a low self esteem issue, and that people might see right through it, and this somehow turns them off. I don’t know. I also noticed this happens much more with women than men. I don’t think I’m ‘trying too hard’, because I know that can be a turn off too.
I find myself fantasizing about how they would feel if I committed suicide or something. Please help.
ANSWER:
(revisited)
The answer is very simple, you are completely surrounded by what are called "Organic Portals". Humans devoid of self-awareness, they avoid humans who have full awareness. In order to deal with your presence as a fully aware Human, the only thing they can do is shut down and deny that you exist. Your awareness shows like a bright light, and they feel fear, so they react with denial. They know that you can see them, so their habits of social manipulation will not work on you. They feel exposed like a deer in a spotlight, so they try to hide from you by acting like they are invisible (deer and other animals do this as well). These Organic Portals do not practice what is commonly known in aware-human circles as "civility", "common courtesy", "empathy", or "grace". Without the ability to think in the abstract, they have limited cognition; they are mostly in survival mode, and live only within group-mind. In other words, they do not "think" on their own, they mimic those around them, and rely on positive or negative feedback from those they have frequent contact with in order to know what to do or say most of the time. They are usually anxious when alone, and will not respond to greetings or civility from non-OPs unless they fear consequences for not doing so. They rarely initiate polite speech or gestures unless they anticipate reward, or fear consequences. They respond to emergency by freezing and staring, or by running or hiding (you have probably seen the videos on YouTube where groups of them walk right over an injured man in the street, a woman who has had a stroke in a store, or watched without moving while a man drowned). They will not make a move to help another human, especially a non-OP, unless they have someone to follow. They often follow "bully" type personalities, which is why you so often see "leaders" of large groups who are obviously abusive; OP's are mesmerized by the bully personality, and display relief to have a "leader" to follow. Often they will fall to worshipping this "leader" as if he is a deity. (OPs usually follow males, especially tall males. If they have a choice between two males to follow, they will always pick the taller male with the deeper voice.)
You need to steer clear of this type of human, as they are known to create groups and become hostile. They are triggered easily, even just by noticing that you are not one of them can be enough. Their attacks can range from minor social discomfort to damaging the life and livelihood of their target. Some even more aggressive behavior can include physical attacks on property and even on your person. If you must come into contact with them, avoid their gaze, do not approach them directly; they consider this a challenge. Speak in soothing tones, compliment them subtly, try to mimic their body language and facial expressions, and do not engage them in any conversation unless they initiate it and lead it. Do not disagree with them or express an opinion or observation, unless you are sure it echoes something they have already said, or something their current "leader" has said. It is safest, however, to simply agree with everything they say, and avoid speaking first. Basically, remain aloof, but appear compliant and agreeable. Do not let them get close enough, either physically or relationship-wise, to see that you are not one of them. Your best bet is to simply seek out those like yourself so you can relax and speak freely, and enjoy real human interaction, which is pleasant, joyful, safe, polite, rejuvenating, and RECIPROCAL. In the meantime, be safe!
(artistic license in use)
(Answer at the bottom of page)
Q. I don’t know why, but people ignore me all the time. I try to be friendly at work or what very little social situations I might be in, but when I speak, they just look away. I could be walking down a hallway at work, say hello to someone, they look right at me and keep walking. It makes me feel like I could die inside.
I attend a group exercise class 3 nights a week, and everyone talks out loud to the instructor or the rest of the class, but when I say something, everything goes quiet, and my comment is totally ignored.
I really am a friendly, funny and intelligent person. Being the last of 4 children in my family, I’ve learn to be the ‘comedian’. I tried that angle too, but to no avail.
I have absolutely no friends. My last ‘friend’ was in elementary school (I am 43 now), and I just recently found her contact info on a website, and we started communication, but now she won’t respond back to my last (only 2nd) email. I re-read it over and over to see what possibly could have turned her off, but I cannot find any reason.
My husband doesn’t understand. He is a very sociable guy. Men and women are naturally attracted to him. When we are with his friends, again – when I speak they just turn away and start speaking with him.
I sometimes think it’s a low self esteem issue, and that people might see right through it, and this somehow turns them off. I don’t know. I also noticed this happens much more with women than men. I don’t think I’m ‘trying too hard’, because I know that can be a turn off too.
I find myself fantasizing about how they would feel if I committed suicide or something. Please help.
ANSWER:
(revisited)
The answer is very simple, you are completely surrounded by what are called "Organic Portals". Humans devoid of self-awareness, they avoid humans who have full awareness. In order to deal with your presence as a fully aware Human, the only thing they can do is shut down and deny that you exist. Your awareness shows like a bright light, and they feel fear, so they react with denial. They know that you can see them, so their habits of social manipulation will not work on you. They feel exposed like a deer in a spotlight, so they try to hide from you by acting like they are invisible (deer and other animals do this as well). These Organic Portals do not practice what is commonly known in aware-human circles as "civility", "common courtesy", "empathy", or "grace". Without the ability to think in the abstract, they have limited cognition; they are mostly in survival mode, and live only within group-mind. In other words, they do not "think" on their own, they mimic those around them, and rely on positive or negative feedback from those they have frequent contact with in order to know what to do or say most of the time. They are usually anxious when alone, and will not respond to greetings or civility from non-OPs unless they fear consequences for not doing so. They rarely initiate polite speech or gestures unless they anticipate reward, or fear consequences. They respond to emergency by freezing and staring, or by running or hiding (you have probably seen the videos on YouTube where groups of them walk right over an injured man in the street, a woman who has had a stroke in a store, or watched without moving while a man drowned). They will not make a move to help another human, especially a non-OP, unless they have someone to follow. They often follow "bully" type personalities, which is why you so often see "leaders" of large groups who are obviously abusive; OP's are mesmerized by the bully personality, and display relief to have a "leader" to follow. Often they will fall to worshipping this "leader" as if he is a deity. (OPs usually follow males, especially tall males. If they have a choice between two males to follow, they will always pick the taller male with the deeper voice.)
You need to steer clear of this type of human, as they are known to create groups and become hostile. They are triggered easily, even just by noticing that you are not one of them can be enough. Their attacks can range from minor social discomfort to damaging the life and livelihood of their target. Some even more aggressive behavior can include physical attacks on property and even on your person. If you must come into contact with them, avoid their gaze, do not approach them directly; they consider this a challenge. Speak in soothing tones, compliment them subtly, try to mimic their body language and facial expressions, and do not engage them in any conversation unless they initiate it and lead it. Do not disagree with them or express an opinion or observation, unless you are sure it echoes something they have already said, or something their current "leader" has said. It is safest, however, to simply agree with everything they say, and avoid speaking first. Basically, remain aloof, but appear compliant and agreeable. Do not let them get close enough, either physically or relationship-wise, to see that you are not one of them. Your best bet is to simply seek out those like yourself so you can relax and speak freely, and enjoy real human interaction, which is pleasant, joyful, safe, polite, rejuvenating, and RECIPROCAL. In the meantime, be safe!
(artistic license in use)
Asperger's Vs Narcissism
Asperger's vs. Narcissism, the difference is vast, like night and day. The main difference is that Asperger's do not have agendas toward others; Narcissists live in agenda. The Narcissist is the "man in charge" or "woman in charge" and always seems to STAY in charge no matter what crap he/she pulls on others, and always presents the shiniest image he/she can, and always finds a way to get people to follow or believe him/her*. People don't hold him accountable, they don't criticize him, they don't confront him, they give him EXTRA respect, they let him run the show. People seem to ignore and excuse everything shady he does, and will often side with him against his targets, regardless of what he has done (they will minimize what he has done, and blame the person he did it to). Narcissists have mastered "cult of personality" and blame avoidance, INSTEAD of mastering how to treat others and how to be accountable.
In stark contrast, the Asperger's person seems to have a hard time keeping friends, or making new ones, and often must fight to be heard even when they are the most knowledgeable or experienced in the room. It's all about social signals~ Asperger's people may often wonder what the hell they did wrong THIS time, when really they did nothing wrong, they just didn't send the "right" social cues that say "I Am Cool" "I Am Popular" "I Am Someone To Follow", and most importantly, they don't find it a GOOD thing to send these signals, and frankly often find social sycophancy (ass kissing) repulsive and divisive (which it is). Asperger's people will often give the shirt off their back, only to get dismissed and ignored by the very people they gave it to, because they don't send the social signals of "I Am Important And It's In Your Best Interest To Treat Me As Such". They just do what they do, and say what's on their mind, (sometimes at great length). If an Asperger's person could download what they're trying to communicate instead of having to articulate it so others can understand, they would be ecstatic.
Very basically: Asperger's is focused on "building a better box"; on the box itself, on how it's made, on improving it, on what else it can be used for, on other boxes like it, and often wants others to hear about the box and their ideas, share in their enthusiasm, or at least be understanding or respectful of their enthusiasm about "the box". Narcissism is focused on getting CREDIT for "building a better box" (whether they built it or not), getting SEEN AS the "box-builder", getting credit for being the Most Expert Box Builder, how the box can be used to make themselves money or to further their PERSONAL agendas, how to hide the fact that someone else built the box.
Asperger's wants people to get along, wants peace, wants unity, wants a good and happy life not just for themselves but for everyone, all together. They would rather be "one of the gang" (or left alone) than the Leader, even if they are the smartest person in the room. They might not mind being the Leader, but only if they're not going to be wrestled and hassled about it; they've got much better things to do than fight for the "top spot".
Narcissists want all of these things only for THEMSELVES,(and sometimes for others they include in their circle), and they don't care who they have to hurt to get it, and they do everything they can to stay in control of the people around them without being noticed as a Controller.
Narcissists discard people, devalue people, project status on others; they play people like chess, and they may actually believe "that's how it's done". They don't feel remorseful for doing it, they don't feel bad for the things they do. Narcissists often receive way more respect than they have earned, because they are good at presenting Image.
Asperger's wants everyone to be friends, and just wants to be treated with normal consideration and respect, but they often receive much less respect than they have earned because they do not present Image by tailoring what they say to match the desires of others.
The Narcissist will probably catch your eye and seem "above" all the rest, and you may seek his approval and friendship. You may seek to side with him against those he targets, convinced of his innocence and good character.
The Asperger's person may catch your eye in the same way, but if you're the average human, you will probably end up being dismissive toward them, and not seek their approval, and not worry about consequences when you speak to them. You may even think of them as "inferior", and become annoyed at their talents and abilities, and expectations of normal respect.
Think of it this way: When we see the Narcissist, we think "Successful" and "Going Places", so we want to "hitch our wagon to their star". When we see the Asperger's person, we may think that at first, but we soon lose that feeling of seeing them as "Above". It's not about the real person underneath, it's about the image that the Narcissist is showing, and the Asperger's is not showing. The Narcissist believes he or she is a Star, and deserves extra respect, regardless of his or her actions; the Asperger's just wants to be appreciated for what he or she really does. You can bully an Asperger's person and they will become upset, and feel very hurt, they may go into a meltdown due to your disrespect. If you try to bully a Narcissist, they will try to destroy you or your reputation. If you even stand up to a Narcissist against their bullying, they will retaliate tenfold. Asperger's will be angry and defend themselves, but they won't do all kinds of control freak retaliations.
(Narcissists often target Asperger's people; they like to use them as "sidekicks" and exploit their loyalty and talent; however when the Asperger's person figures out what's going on, the Narcissist often turns on them with a vengeance in order to avoid being exposed. Remember the bullies in school who picked on the smart kids, the "wise-ass" who's buddy was a "nerd" and seemed to put up with the insults and the drama, the mean kid who had the nice friend, the super smart girl who the teachers didn't protect or encourage, the super smart boy who was labeled weird but always stood up for himself anyway.)
Article on the distinction between the two, here:
http://ic.steadyhealth.com/misdiagnosing_narcissism_aspergers_disorder.html
* to make text less cumbersome to read, he/she and him/her was replaced in certain parts with just "he" or "him". Neither Asperger's nor Narcissism are exclusively "male".
In stark contrast, the Asperger's person seems to have a hard time keeping friends, or making new ones, and often must fight to be heard even when they are the most knowledgeable or experienced in the room. It's all about social signals~ Asperger's people may often wonder what the hell they did wrong THIS time, when really they did nothing wrong, they just didn't send the "right" social cues that say "I Am Cool" "I Am Popular" "I Am Someone To Follow", and most importantly, they don't find it a GOOD thing to send these signals, and frankly often find social sycophancy (ass kissing) repulsive and divisive (which it is). Asperger's people will often give the shirt off their back, only to get dismissed and ignored by the very people they gave it to, because they don't send the social signals of "I Am Important And It's In Your Best Interest To Treat Me As Such". They just do what they do, and say what's on their mind, (sometimes at great length). If an Asperger's person could download what they're trying to communicate instead of having to articulate it so others can understand, they would be ecstatic.
Very basically: Asperger's is focused on "building a better box"; on the box itself, on how it's made, on improving it, on what else it can be used for, on other boxes like it, and often wants others to hear about the box and their ideas, share in their enthusiasm, or at least be understanding or respectful of their enthusiasm about "the box". Narcissism is focused on getting CREDIT for "building a better box" (whether they built it or not), getting SEEN AS the "box-builder", getting credit for being the Most Expert Box Builder, how the box can be used to make themselves money or to further their PERSONAL agendas, how to hide the fact that someone else built the box.
Asperger's wants people to get along, wants peace, wants unity, wants a good and happy life not just for themselves but for everyone, all together. They would rather be "one of the gang" (or left alone) than the Leader, even if they are the smartest person in the room. They might not mind being the Leader, but only if they're not going to be wrestled and hassled about it; they've got much better things to do than fight for the "top spot".
Narcissists want all of these things only for THEMSELVES,(and sometimes for others they include in their circle), and they don't care who they have to hurt to get it, and they do everything they can to stay in control of the people around them without being noticed as a Controller.
Narcissists discard people, devalue people, project status on others; they play people like chess, and they may actually believe "that's how it's done". They don't feel remorseful for doing it, they don't feel bad for the things they do. Narcissists often receive way more respect than they have earned, because they are good at presenting Image.
Asperger's wants everyone to be friends, and just wants to be treated with normal consideration and respect, but they often receive much less respect than they have earned because they do not present Image by tailoring what they say to match the desires of others.
The Narcissist will probably catch your eye and seem "above" all the rest, and you may seek his approval and friendship. You may seek to side with him against those he targets, convinced of his innocence and good character.
The Asperger's person may catch your eye in the same way, but if you're the average human, you will probably end up being dismissive toward them, and not seek their approval, and not worry about consequences when you speak to them. You may even think of them as "inferior", and become annoyed at their talents and abilities, and expectations of normal respect.
Think of it this way: When we see the Narcissist, we think "Successful" and "Going Places", so we want to "hitch our wagon to their star". When we see the Asperger's person, we may think that at first, but we soon lose that feeling of seeing them as "Above". It's not about the real person underneath, it's about the image that the Narcissist is showing, and the Asperger's is not showing. The Narcissist believes he or she is a Star, and deserves extra respect, regardless of his or her actions; the Asperger's just wants to be appreciated for what he or she really does. You can bully an Asperger's person and they will become upset, and feel very hurt, they may go into a meltdown due to your disrespect. If you try to bully a Narcissist, they will try to destroy you or your reputation. If you even stand up to a Narcissist against their bullying, they will retaliate tenfold. Asperger's will be angry and defend themselves, but they won't do all kinds of control freak retaliations.
(Narcissists often target Asperger's people; they like to use them as "sidekicks" and exploit their loyalty and talent; however when the Asperger's person figures out what's going on, the Narcissist often turns on them with a vengeance in order to avoid being exposed. Remember the bullies in school who picked on the smart kids, the "wise-ass" who's buddy was a "nerd" and seemed to put up with the insults and the drama, the mean kid who had the nice friend, the super smart girl who the teachers didn't protect or encourage, the super smart boy who was labeled weird but always stood up for himself anyway.)
Article on the distinction between the two, here:
http://ic.steadyhealth.com/misdiagnosing_narcissism_aspergers_disorder.html
* to make text less cumbersome to read, he/she and him/her was replaced in certain parts with just "he" or "him". Neither Asperger's nor Narcissism are exclusively "male".
Signs of a Controlling Guy
This post is about controlling boys and men, so if you are a man who has found the page, try reading it without defensiveness; try imagining that you are the other person in the relationship reading this, or that's it from the point of view of a woman you respect. Put yourself in the shoes of someone else. If you want to apply this to a woman you know who you think is controlling, much of it can be applied by changing the sex from he to she, although not every single point, due to the gender-roled society and era we happen to be living in. (If you already do all that, good, welcome to this page and happy reading.)
Signs of a Controlling Guy
Letters like these come in to our “Ask the Therapist” column every week:
“My boyfriend freaks out if I go out with my friends for an evening — even though he hangs out with his friends almost every day,” says Angela. “I love my boyfriend to death but he’s always putting me down,” says Katie. “Every weekend we have to go see my boyfriend’s mom but he doesn’t want to spend any time with my family. It’s gotten so I have to lie if I’m going to see my own sister,” says Kieshi.
Angel’s letter is only a little different: “I used to have lots of friends but my boyfriend wants all my time. I used to think that was romantic. Now I’m scared I’m losing most of my friends.” And Melody echoes several other letters when she says, “My boyfriend is always accusing me of coming on to other guys when we’re out. Guys do look at me but I don’t invite it. It’s gotten so I don’t want to go out any more cuz we always end up in a big fight about it.”
It’s almost as if these young women are in relationships with the same guy who just zips himself into a different outer suit to appeal to the woman he’s with. In the name of romance or commitment or love, he increasingly limits his girlfriend’s life and chips away at her self-esteem. This is what is meant by a “controlling” boyfriend.
Why do some guys act like this? Generally it’s because they are scared of the vulnerability that comes with loving and trusting someone. They may have been betrayed by a former girlfriend and fear being hurt again. They may have grown up observing relationships where the man held the upper hand by controlling the woman. Their self-esteem may be so low that the only way they can be sure that someone will stay with them is to make the girl’s self-esteem even lower. Whatever the reason, it isn’t good for them or for the women who had the misfortune to fall in love with them. Relationships built on distrust and control are unhealthy. Relationships where love is held hostage don’t last.
There are some common signs of a controlling guy. If you recognize your boyfriend or yourself here, you may want to take a step back from the relationship. But please be careful not to jump to conclusions based on a list. It’s not at all uncommon for people to have some of these characteristics some of the time. When people get scared, they often try to get things back under control.
Signs like these become a problem when they become a pattern. If your guy shows some of these behaviors but will talk about them with you and will work consistently on making change, it may be worth it to hang onto the relationship. Part of becoming a couple is negotiating how you will manage different tastes, different opinions, and different ways of operating in the world. It’s the guys who regularly behave in a number of these ways (especially those who get physical) and who see nothing wrong with it that you have to be concerned about. A guy whose standard operating procedure is “my way or the highway” is someone who is more interested in being in charge than being in a relationship of mutual respect.
7 Warning Signs of Men Who Need Too Much Control
- You are his everything. Sounds great, doesn’t it? It’s not. When a guy needs to be attached to you at the hip and you can’t do anything without his say-so, it’s a big red flag. Sure, it’s normal to be with each other constantly in the first blush of new love. But if it goes on after the first few months; if it limits your ability to do things independently; if it means that you have no privacy; then it has become an issue of control.
- You find yourself losing contact with family, friends, and activities you once enjoyed. He may not even like you to be on the phone or Facebook or email unless he’s around. He always has a reason. He says he doesn’t like how so-and-so takes advantage of you. He says he wants you to spend more time with him. He says your family is too controlling. Some of it even sounds like it makes sense. But over time your boyfriend has isolated you to the point that you don’t have many friends anymore and your family complains that you are neglecting them.
- He has different rules for you than he has for himself. He gets to hang out with the guys. You don’t get time with your girlfriends. He makes plans for both of you but flips out if you do the same. He flirts with other girls when you’re out but makes sure you have eyes only for him. He insists on his right to privacy regarding his phone log or his email account or his Facebook password but gets angry if you draw the same boundaries.
- He invites, then insists, that you join in his life but isn’t interested in getting to know yours. Over time, the two of you end up spending your time going to events and doing only the things that interest your guy even if you’re not terribly interested. You rarely if ever do things you love to do. You may justify it at first, figuring that you’re more flexible, that you want to get to know his friends, that it’s cool that he wants to teach you about his interests, that getting him to go to one of your events isn’t worth his sighing and his restlessness and his comments. But somehow you end up making all the compromises and feeling like you’ve lost something that was important to you.
- Finances are a big issue. Somehow you’ve ended up either not having any money
of your own or spending it all on your life together. This is one of
those issues where opposites produce the same outcome. In some
controlling relationships, the boyfriend gradually, or not so gradually,
does little or nothing to support the couple. The girlfriend finds
herself working all the time to keep the bills paid and food on the
table while he “looks for work” or “waits for his band’s big break” or
drops in and out of school or simply does nothing but make promises that
tomorrow it will be different.
On the other end of the spectrum is the guy who says that he will
take care of his girlfriend, that she doesn’t need to work, that he
needs her at home, that real women take care of their family. All that
would be fine if the couple had a reasonable way of sharing and managing
the family income. But the controlling guy doles out an allowance like
it’s the last dollar and doesn’t let his girlfriend or wife in on many
of the financial decisions that affect both of them. She ends up even
further isolated and dependent on him.
- He is never at fault. In fact, he is phobic about blame. The controlling guy always finds a way to make you feel that anything that goes wrong in your relationship is all about you. If you have a complaint, he will quickly move the conversation to all the things you’ve done wrong since the beginning of time. Instead of discussing your concern, you find yourself on the defensive. Instead of working out a compromise, you feel you have to give in or the fight will go on forever.
- Often these relationships become physically abusive. If the guy is controlling because he doesn’t trust you, he may lose it when he is suspicious. Sadly, it doesn’t take much to make him suspicious. What generally follows are accusations, blaming, relentless grilling, and anger. When we’re talking about something as ephemeral as trust, it’s almost impossible to defend oneself. How do you explain away something that never happened in the first place? Not satisfied with the girlfriend’s answers, the guy gets increasingly frustrated and, though he’d never admit it, scared. It’s not uncommon for the guy to get physical at that point.
Resources
If you are afraid to end your relationship, you need help and support to stay safe. Call the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence at 800-537-2238 or visit their website at www.ncdsv.org/.
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