We ARE The "Community"
Why is the world screwed up?
Gee maybe it's because of that giant SNOWBALL...
Without a courteous, supportive, reasonably civilized adult community, it is nearly impossible to raise confident, aware, happy children effectively. When adults start the ball rolling of passing the buck, saying the kids are someone else's responsibility, the problems are someone else's fault, "not my job", no one is left to be role models or care for them. An entire community who actively cares about their children, and respects EACH OTHER, is essential in making future healthy adults. If we want our kids to be disrespectful, unhappy adults who feel like there is bleakness in the world and the only way to be happy is to be materially wealthy, then all we have to do is model disrespect and openly judge others. If we want a child to disrespect men, and herself, treat her father with disrespect; if we want a child to disrespect women, and himself, treat his mother without respect. If we want a child to lose trust and hope, treat any adults who work in the community without respect. If we want a child to lose hope for her own future and her own life, let the adults in the community treat HER with disdain and without respect, and do not hold her to any kind of expectation; convince her that she doesn't BELONG in the "Good/Strong/Worthy People" CLIQUE. Works like a charm, and helps to destroy the fabric of the entire community.
Gee maybe it's because of that giant SNOWBALL...
Without a courteous, supportive, reasonably civilized adult community, it is nearly impossible to raise confident, aware, happy children effectively. When adults start the ball rolling of passing the buck, saying the kids are someone else's responsibility, the problems are someone else's fault, "not my job", no one is left to be role models or care for them. An entire community who actively cares about their children, and respects EACH OTHER, is essential in making future healthy adults. If we want our kids to be disrespectful, unhappy adults who feel like there is bleakness in the world and the only way to be happy is to be materially wealthy, then all we have to do is model disrespect and openly judge others. If we want a child to disrespect men, and herself, treat her father with disrespect; if we want a child to disrespect women, and himself, treat his mother without respect. If we want a child to lose trust and hope, treat any adults who work in the community without respect. If we want a child to lose hope for her own future and her own life, let the adults in the community treat HER with disdain and without respect, and do not hold her to any kind of expectation; convince her that she doesn't BELONG in the "Good/Strong/Worthy People" CLIQUE. Works like a charm, and helps to destroy the fabric of the entire community.
Control And Abandonment
One of the main ways a controller/abuser keeps a hold on their target is with threat of abandonment. This tack works well on children, and on adults who were neglected or abandoned at some point during childhood. It works because neglect and abandonment have actual life-threatening consequences, and once a child has experienced this, they are aware of how terrible the potential danger can be.
Controller/abusers use this fear when they find it. This is a bull's eye on the forehead of a potential target. All a controller has to do is to someone with abandonment trauma is turn a cold shoulder, deny normal attention, act as if spending time with the target is LAST on the "important priority" list. (People who love you move their schedules, move time and space itself, to make time with you; controllers act as if any rescheduling or re-prioritizing would be a burden on them, as if you are demanding too much. Going out of their way to see you or do things with you is what normal and healthy friends, family, and lovers do as a matter of course; controllers can't be bothered to "mess up their schedule". But they will expect you to do it for them when they "require" it, and will even blame you for the lack of time and fun together.) Refuse to communicate directly, act as if they can't be bothered, treat the target like a bothersome pest, treat the target like they don't measure up to the controller's standards. Treat the target like they aren't good enough to be allowed in the controller's "Club". The target's trauma kicks in with fear, and even if they are sick to death of this person's other behaviors, this fear can take over and they will be relieved when the controller pays attention to them once again, instead of angry or annoyed at the inconsiderate behavior. The target will often catch themselves doing things to "win" the controller back, and feel shame for their "weakness", not realizing it is a trigger response to trauma, exactly like automatically trying to catch one's self from falling from a high place. This is the cycle, however; the controller is counting on their target's self-blame and loss of self-esteem. The more they use this abandonment tactic, the more it works.
Those with this trauma are aware that people who abandon or neglect also easily break bonds, or don't make real ones in the first place. If they care about or love the controller, they will fear betrayal at the first sign of abandonment/neglect behavior. They know it is probably imminent, and the pain of betrayal on top of abandonment can be almost too much to bear. So, they try to make the controller WANT to stay with them, WANT to BOND with them. This is still a trigger response to fear; it's not relationship-building. Which is what the controller wants; relationship-building is not what they have in mind anyway.
People without this trauma behave in all kinds of ways to ensure their acceptance in their crowd, mimicking everything from acceptable hairstyles and clothing to speech patterns, body language and political rhetoric, but they are not usually aware of their own instinct compulsion to fit in. A lot of people who consider themselves "non-conformists" are still within the acceptable limits of whatever group they identify with.
However people who HAVE been traumatized by abandonment in their childhood have a greater awareness, at least subconsciously, of just how dangerous it actually is to be left out in the cold, to not be accepted as one of the group, and how quickly that often leads to denial of basic human needs. Human beings ostracize and abandon much more easily and quickly than most people are willing to accept, and only those who have been on the receiving end know just how easily and quickly and how dangerous it can be. Even those who were not abandoned purposely can still have this trauma and awareness. If one parent does not know that the other is neglecting or abusing, he or she does not know to step in, but the child will often still feel abandoned by both. There are entire families who neglect and abandon the children among their ranks whom they do not accept as "one of them", for various dysfunctional reasons, so even if a child has one person who is truly caring, they are still experiencing the abandonment from the rest of the family.
Controllers can see this, can sense this, and will use it if they can. It's one of the most powerful weapons in the arsenal.
Curing one's fear of abandonment can take a lot of difficult work, and any controllers around will try to ruin the effort and progress.
Seeking out people and places who are objectively supportive, who have no personal agenda, can be extremely helpful in unraveling this fear. A good therapist, the rare trustworthy friend, online support groups can help.
A few links:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?fref=ts
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/relationship-addiction.htm
http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html
Controller/abusers use this fear when they find it. This is a bull's eye on the forehead of a potential target. All a controller has to do is to someone with abandonment trauma is turn a cold shoulder, deny normal attention, act as if spending time with the target is LAST on the "important priority" list. (People who love you move their schedules, move time and space itself, to make time with you; controllers act as if any rescheduling or re-prioritizing would be a burden on them, as if you are demanding too much. Going out of their way to see you or do things with you is what normal and healthy friends, family, and lovers do as a matter of course; controllers can't be bothered to "mess up their schedule". But they will expect you to do it for them when they "require" it, and will even blame you for the lack of time and fun together.) Refuse to communicate directly, act as if they can't be bothered, treat the target like a bothersome pest, treat the target like they don't measure up to the controller's standards. Treat the target like they aren't good enough to be allowed in the controller's "Club". The target's trauma kicks in with fear, and even if they are sick to death of this person's other behaviors, this fear can take over and they will be relieved when the controller pays attention to them once again, instead of angry or annoyed at the inconsiderate behavior. The target will often catch themselves doing things to "win" the controller back, and feel shame for their "weakness", not realizing it is a trigger response to trauma, exactly like automatically trying to catch one's self from falling from a high place. This is the cycle, however; the controller is counting on their target's self-blame and loss of self-esteem. The more they use this abandonment tactic, the more it works.
Those with this trauma are aware that people who abandon or neglect also easily break bonds, or don't make real ones in the first place. If they care about or love the controller, they will fear betrayal at the first sign of abandonment/neglect behavior. They know it is probably imminent, and the pain of betrayal on top of abandonment can be almost too much to bear. So, they try to make the controller WANT to stay with them, WANT to BOND with them. This is still a trigger response to fear; it's not relationship-building. Which is what the controller wants; relationship-building is not what they have in mind anyway.
People without this trauma behave in all kinds of ways to ensure their acceptance in their crowd, mimicking everything from acceptable hairstyles and clothing to speech patterns, body language and political rhetoric, but they are not usually aware of their own instinct compulsion to fit in. A lot of people who consider themselves "non-conformists" are still within the acceptable limits of whatever group they identify with.
However people who HAVE been traumatized by abandonment in their childhood have a greater awareness, at least subconsciously, of just how dangerous it actually is to be left out in the cold, to not be accepted as one of the group, and how quickly that often leads to denial of basic human needs. Human beings ostracize and abandon much more easily and quickly than most people are willing to accept, and only those who have been on the receiving end know just how easily and quickly and how dangerous it can be. Even those who were not abandoned purposely can still have this trauma and awareness. If one parent does not know that the other is neglecting or abusing, he or she does not know to step in, but the child will often still feel abandoned by both. There are entire families who neglect and abandon the children among their ranks whom they do not accept as "one of them", for various dysfunctional reasons, so even if a child has one person who is truly caring, they are still experiencing the abandonment from the rest of the family.
Controllers can see this, can sense this, and will use it if they can. It's one of the most powerful weapons in the arsenal.
Curing one's fear of abandonment can take a lot of difficult work, and any controllers around will try to ruin the effort and progress.
Seeking out people and places who are objectively supportive, who have no personal agenda, can be extremely helpful in unraveling this fear. A good therapist, the rare trustworthy friend, online support groups can help.
A few links:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?fref=ts
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/relationship-addiction.htm
http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html
What Is This Narcissism About?
People who have Narcissism disorder do a lot of the same things as people who don't have the disorder. The difference is why they are doing these things; the reasons behind them.
Call the Narcissist "Ned" and the non-Narcissist "Hank".
Hank met Stephanie when they were both 22. They dated for five years, had a lot in common so they did a lot of fun things together, had a wonderful time. They traveled, explored, loved doing anything and everything together. Hank proposed during a beautiful dinner at Stephanie's favorite restaurant, and was thrilled when she said yes. They built a marriage and a home together, and had a blast doing it.
Ned met Lucia when he was 28, and she was 21. He pursued her romantically, calling her, complimenting her, taking her out, telling her how special she was, how they would build a beautiful life together, until she finally believed him. After about six months, when Ned felt comfortably sure that she was in love with him, he let his "guard" down. All along Ned had been doing something he thought of as "courting", where he actually BELIEVES that the man gains a woman's trust by giving her gifts and telling her all kinds of romantic promises and stories. He is not building a friendship, trust, or bond, he is performing. Ned seriously believed that "courting" was a make-believe kind of "dance", where the man pretends to be a Prince Charming, and that the woman KNOWS that he is performing this "courting dance", and that she KNOWS it's not real, and that she KNOWS that once she commits to him, HE gets to be the "BOSS" in the relationship, like a strict father of a young girl.When Lucia became upset when he showed this side of him, he back-pedaled, thinking he stepped out of the pretend-courting too soon, and that she was not fully "under his wing" (under his authority) yet. He was afraid she would fly away like a scared bird, so he put the CHARM back on and promised to never be that way again. After a while, he let the mask slip again. By then, Lucia truly loved him because he had been faking being her actual friend for so long, and begged him to go to counseling with her so they could repair the relationship. She was beginning to believe it was her fault, and he kept telling her it was. Ned went to one session just to appease her, but refused to go back. Tired of the CHARM/courting game, he began simply treating her like an errant child in order to keep control over her. Nothing she did could change his behavior, although she kept trying, because she truly loved him. After a long enough time, Lucia's heart and mind began to stretch from mental and emotional exhaustion, and she gave in; she stopped remembering who she used to be and became a shell of a person. Ned had picked Lucia because she was pretty, she looked easy to manipulate, he thought his friends would be jealous, and he saw that her parents had some money, so he wanted to "keep" her; he talked her into marrying him (after one of his tirades). They didn't have the large, beautiful traditional wedding that Lucia had always wanted for the sake of her parents, because Ned knew it would make her happy. He wanted to stay in control of that too, so he dictated a small, informal ceremony with only immediate family in attendance. He even picked out Lucia's dress, and made a fuss about who she was going to ask to be her maid of honor.
A dog gets hit by a car. Ned sees the dog as he drives by, but he doesn't stop. There is no one else on the road. The only thought in his mind when he sees the dog is "glad it didn't run out in front of me, damage to my car, late for work, what a pain."
Hank sees the dog and immediately pulls over, wraps her in a blanket, and drives her to the nearest veterinarian. He gives them his phone number so they can call if they can't find the owner.
The next day, Ned hears about what Hank did at work, and sees how some people are praising him. He becomes annoyed and jealous.
A few days later, Ned sees a cat hit by a car on the same road. Ned drives by, but then remembers Hank and all the praise he received, so he turns around and picks up the cat, tossing him into backseat, without a blanket. The cat falls off onto the floor and yeowls; Ned yells at it to shut up. He gets to the veterinarian and stalks inside, demanding that someone come and get this smelly cat out of his car before he's late for work... Then he drives to work and tells everyone about how he saved the cat, and shows them the spot of blood on his shirt sleeve.
Hank and Ned are both married. Hank calls his wife three or four times a day to say hi, tell her about his day, exchange jokes, and talk about what their plans are for later. He calls her more often if she is not feeling well, or if she is having a rough day. She calls him also, whenever she feels like it. If one of them can't talk, they simply say "I can't talk" and then they call back later.
Ned calls his wife only for a few reasons: when he is angry or lonely, when he wants to tell her to do something, and when he is suspicious of her whereabouts. He tells her not to call him at work, and if she is feeling ill or having a hard day, he will not call her at all. If he knows she expects him to do something or pick something up, he will not call, and he will not answer the phone.
Ned and Hank have the same job.
Hank plays piano, and his wife plays guitar. They are happiest when they are playing together, they love the harmonies they create, the fugues, and the way the music brings them together. They enjoy inviting other musicians to join them both, the more the merrier, regardless of the skill level of the other musicians.
Ned plays guitar and sings, and his wife sings and plays piano. Ned gets irritated when his wife wants to play or sing with him, even though she is actually more talented than he is. Ned wants to be the one in the spotlight; it makes him angry when people pay attention to his wife or give her any credit. Ned enjoys being the lead guitar and singer in a cover band, and only allows "hot chicks" as he puts it to sing with him; his wife does not qualify, as she is past 30. He can't stand female musicians, because that means they are in competition with him, and not in the audience applauding him, like he pictures women. He revels in fronting a band of all "guys", because it makes him feel like "one of the Boys", and he has serious insecurities about being seen as a "man". Everything he does represents, in his mind, "being a man". So, he can not share any stage (or job, or recreation) with women, unless they look like they are being controlled by him, or adoring him.
In other words, Hank plays music for the love of music, and the love of sharing it. Ned plays music because he wants to be SEEN, and seen in a certain way. Hank loves the connection with his wife, and admires and enjoys her, which brings her great joy. Ned feels jealous of his wife, competes with her, criticizes her, refuses to play with her, uses the things that bring her joy to cause her pain. Ned treats his wife not like a beloved partner and friend, but like an envied sibling.
Hank lives life thinking of other people's well-being, how he can help, how he can bring joy and peace to others, and he is grateful. He is not always happy, sometimes he is sad, frustrated, angry, even enraged, especially when someone he cares about is hurting. He makes decisions and plans with his loved ones in mind, and loves to look after their well-being.
Ned lives life thinking about how to get more, and make others give him more, and how he deserve way more respect than the people around him, especially his dumb wife and that guy Hank at work. Ned believes that Hank is dumb, and does things for others only for praise. He thinks that every time Hank does something kind he tells everyone about it, because that's what HE does. Ned is constantly annoyed by the way people want him to "listen" to them, or to act more "kindly" toward them. He wishes they would all just shut up and treat him like the High Royal he is, and do what he tells them to do. He is happy when he gets his way, and when he gets adulation. When he does not get his way, when he has to stop what he wants to do in order to pay attention to someone else for any reason, or when someone does not treat him like he is above them, he becomes annoyed, even enraged. Ned punishes people when they don't do what he wants them to do either directly or by sabotaging them in various ways.
The people around Hank are better for him being in their lives, but mostly don't realize it.
The people around Ned are worse for him being in their lives, and mostly don't realize it.
Call the Narcissist "Ned" and the non-Narcissist "Hank".
Hank met Stephanie when they were both 22. They dated for five years, had a lot in common so they did a lot of fun things together, had a wonderful time. They traveled, explored, loved doing anything and everything together. Hank proposed during a beautiful dinner at Stephanie's favorite restaurant, and was thrilled when she said yes. They built a marriage and a home together, and had a blast doing it.
Ned met Lucia when he was 28, and she was 21. He pursued her romantically, calling her, complimenting her, taking her out, telling her how special she was, how they would build a beautiful life together, until she finally believed him. After about six months, when Ned felt comfortably sure that she was in love with him, he let his "guard" down. All along Ned had been doing something he thought of as "courting", where he actually BELIEVES that the man gains a woman's trust by giving her gifts and telling her all kinds of romantic promises and stories. He is not building a friendship, trust, or bond, he is performing. Ned seriously believed that "courting" was a make-believe kind of "dance", where the man pretends to be a Prince Charming, and that the woman KNOWS that he is performing this "courting dance", and that she KNOWS it's not real, and that she KNOWS that once she commits to him, HE gets to be the "BOSS" in the relationship, like a strict father of a young girl.When Lucia became upset when he showed this side of him, he back-pedaled, thinking he stepped out of the pretend-courting too soon, and that she was not fully "under his wing" (under his authority) yet. He was afraid she would fly away like a scared bird, so he put the CHARM back on and promised to never be that way again. After a while, he let the mask slip again. By then, Lucia truly loved him because he had been faking being her actual friend for so long, and begged him to go to counseling with her so they could repair the relationship. She was beginning to believe it was her fault, and he kept telling her it was. Ned went to one session just to appease her, but refused to go back. Tired of the CHARM/courting game, he began simply treating her like an errant child in order to keep control over her. Nothing she did could change his behavior, although she kept trying, because she truly loved him. After a long enough time, Lucia's heart and mind began to stretch from mental and emotional exhaustion, and she gave in; she stopped remembering who she used to be and became a shell of a person. Ned had picked Lucia because she was pretty, she looked easy to manipulate, he thought his friends would be jealous, and he saw that her parents had some money, so he wanted to "keep" her; he talked her into marrying him (after one of his tirades). They didn't have the large, beautiful traditional wedding that Lucia had always wanted for the sake of her parents, because Ned knew it would make her happy. He wanted to stay in control of that too, so he dictated a small, informal ceremony with only immediate family in attendance. He even picked out Lucia's dress, and made a fuss about who she was going to ask to be her maid of honor.
A dog gets hit by a car. Ned sees the dog as he drives by, but he doesn't stop. There is no one else on the road. The only thought in his mind when he sees the dog is "glad it didn't run out in front of me, damage to my car, late for work, what a pain."
Hank sees the dog and immediately pulls over, wraps her in a blanket, and drives her to the nearest veterinarian. He gives them his phone number so they can call if they can't find the owner.
The next day, Ned hears about what Hank did at work, and sees how some people are praising him. He becomes annoyed and jealous.
A few days later, Ned sees a cat hit by a car on the same road. Ned drives by, but then remembers Hank and all the praise he received, so he turns around and picks up the cat, tossing him into backseat, without a blanket. The cat falls off onto the floor and yeowls; Ned yells at it to shut up. He gets to the veterinarian and stalks inside, demanding that someone come and get this smelly cat out of his car before he's late for work... Then he drives to work and tells everyone about how he saved the cat, and shows them the spot of blood on his shirt sleeve.
Hank and Ned are both married. Hank calls his wife three or four times a day to say hi, tell her about his day, exchange jokes, and talk about what their plans are for later. He calls her more often if she is not feeling well, or if she is having a rough day. She calls him also, whenever she feels like it. If one of them can't talk, they simply say "I can't talk" and then they call back later.
Ned calls his wife only for a few reasons: when he is angry or lonely, when he wants to tell her to do something, and when he is suspicious of her whereabouts. He tells her not to call him at work, and if she is feeling ill or having a hard day, he will not call her at all. If he knows she expects him to do something or pick something up, he will not call, and he will not answer the phone.
Ned and Hank have the same job.
Hank plays piano, and his wife plays guitar. They are happiest when they are playing together, they love the harmonies they create, the fugues, and the way the music brings them together. They enjoy inviting other musicians to join them both, the more the merrier, regardless of the skill level of the other musicians.
Ned plays guitar and sings, and his wife sings and plays piano. Ned gets irritated when his wife wants to play or sing with him, even though she is actually more talented than he is. Ned wants to be the one in the spotlight; it makes him angry when people pay attention to his wife or give her any credit. Ned enjoys being the lead guitar and singer in a cover band, and only allows "hot chicks" as he puts it to sing with him; his wife does not qualify, as she is past 30. He can't stand female musicians, because that means they are in competition with him, and not in the audience applauding him, like he pictures women. He revels in fronting a band of all "guys", because it makes him feel like "one of the Boys", and he has serious insecurities about being seen as a "man". Everything he does represents, in his mind, "being a man". So, he can not share any stage (or job, or recreation) with women, unless they look like they are being controlled by him, or adoring him.
In other words, Hank plays music for the love of music, and the love of sharing it. Ned plays music because he wants to be SEEN, and seen in a certain way. Hank loves the connection with his wife, and admires and enjoys her, which brings her great joy. Ned feels jealous of his wife, competes with her, criticizes her, refuses to play with her, uses the things that bring her joy to cause her pain. Ned treats his wife not like a beloved partner and friend, but like an envied sibling.
Hank lives life thinking of other people's well-being, how he can help, how he can bring joy and peace to others, and he is grateful. He is not always happy, sometimes he is sad, frustrated, angry, even enraged, especially when someone he cares about is hurting. He makes decisions and plans with his loved ones in mind, and loves to look after their well-being.
Ned lives life thinking about how to get more, and make others give him more, and how he deserve way more respect than the people around him, especially his dumb wife and that guy Hank at work. Ned believes that Hank is dumb, and does things for others only for praise. He thinks that every time Hank does something kind he tells everyone about it, because that's what HE does. Ned is constantly annoyed by the way people want him to "listen" to them, or to act more "kindly" toward them. He wishes they would all just shut up and treat him like the High Royal he is, and do what he tells them to do. He is happy when he gets his way, and when he gets adulation. When he does not get his way, when he has to stop what he wants to do in order to pay attention to someone else for any reason, or when someone does not treat him like he is above them, he becomes annoyed, even enraged. Ned punishes people when they don't do what he wants them to do either directly or by sabotaging them in various ways.
The people around Hank are better for him being in their lives, but mostly don't realize it.
The people around Ned are worse for him being in their lives, and mostly don't realize it.
Only I Can Do That!
Narcissists hate it when one of their royal subjects says "Me too!" or or "I have had a similar experience" or "I can relate, I've been through that", or "I enjoy/don't enjoy that also" or "I am into that as well".
They only like it if someone they have put on a pedestal says those things.
They also hate it when someone does something well, or something that other people might pay attention to. Unless the Narcissist can somehow take credit for what the other person does, they would rather that person disappear.
(If you can remember elementary school, there was often a kid who would say things like "You can't be the pitcher! Only Mike can be the pitcher!" or "You can't draw as good as Stacy, only she draws good!" or "You can't be the team captain, only I get to be captain!")
The reason is because they create status hierarchies with other people; this one is "below" me, that one is "below" me, that one is "above" me. No one is equal to them, and can only be higher or lower than them in their minds. And therefore everyone else must abide by their hierarchy creation as well, or they are "wrong".
If they deem something as a "higher minded" thing, then anyone who is "lower" than them CAN'T know it or relate to it. For example, if they deem fine woodworking as a "higher minded" thing, than YOU CAN'T KNOW how to do it, because you are "lower". So if you SAY "I love fine woodworking, I have been doing it for a long time" they will become annoyed, even angry, even accuse you of making it up to "get attention". You could show them the furniture set you finished last week, and even if they make noises to your face like "ahh" or "Oh I see you really do practice fine woodworking" they will STILL diminish it, and promptly mentally delete the evidence that proves their assumption wrong. When the subject comes up again, they will act just the way they did before about it, as if there is NO REASON to believe you have ANY IDEA how to do fine woodworking.
Most emotionally healthy people LIKE it when they find common ground with another person, or when someone they know does something they admire. Narcissists DO NOT, because it makes them feel less special, less unique, less elite, less ABOVE. They don't want you singing on the stage with them, they don't want you to have the same talent as they do, they don't want you to already know something that they pride themselves on knowing, they don't want you to be able to do something that they do, they don't even want you to love the same play, movie, band, or hobby with the same intensity that they do. They don't want you to be able to do something that one of their HEROES does, especially.
THEIR passions are ALWAYS more intense than yours, their knowledge is always more extensive than yours, their family and friendship bonds are always deeper than yours, they are more worthy of LOVE and RESPECT than you are. You can NEVER be an "equal" in anything, unless they have decided that it would serve them. Once they have deemed you as "lower", that is where you will stay in their eyes, always.
(Taking them seriously with their hierarchy creations is something a lot of people fall for, until they realize what's going on.)
The narcissist's social hierarchy creations have NOTHING to do with real status and hierarchies, which are essential in certain groups such as families, businesses, and public service, for communication, learning, and functionality. These hierarchies are real, and have nothing to do with who is "liked" or "worthy" and who is not. In a real (and healthy) hierarchy, positions exist for actual reasons, not because of popularity. (Obviously Narcs infiltrate these groups and inject their own influence, corrupting the real functionality, but the reasons those hierarchies exist are legitimate and not about intrinsic personal "worthiness")
They only like it if someone they have put on a pedestal says those things.
They also hate it when someone does something well, or something that other people might pay attention to. Unless the Narcissist can somehow take credit for what the other person does, they would rather that person disappear.
(If you can remember elementary school, there was often a kid who would say things like "You can't be the pitcher! Only Mike can be the pitcher!" or "You can't draw as good as Stacy, only she draws good!" or "You can't be the team captain, only I get to be captain!")
The reason is because they create status hierarchies with other people; this one is "below" me, that one is "below" me, that one is "above" me. No one is equal to them, and can only be higher or lower than them in their minds. And therefore everyone else must abide by their hierarchy creation as well, or they are "wrong".
If they deem something as a "higher minded" thing, then anyone who is "lower" than them CAN'T know it or relate to it. For example, if they deem fine woodworking as a "higher minded" thing, than YOU CAN'T KNOW how to do it, because you are "lower". So if you SAY "I love fine woodworking, I have been doing it for a long time" they will become annoyed, even angry, even accuse you of making it up to "get attention". You could show them the furniture set you finished last week, and even if they make noises to your face like "ahh" or "Oh I see you really do practice fine woodworking" they will STILL diminish it, and promptly mentally delete the evidence that proves their assumption wrong. When the subject comes up again, they will act just the way they did before about it, as if there is NO REASON to believe you have ANY IDEA how to do fine woodworking.
Most emotionally healthy people LIKE it when they find common ground with another person, or when someone they know does something they admire. Narcissists DO NOT, because it makes them feel less special, less unique, less elite, less ABOVE. They don't want you singing on the stage with them, they don't want you to have the same talent as they do, they don't want you to already know something that they pride themselves on knowing, they don't want you to be able to do something that they do, they don't even want you to love the same play, movie, band, or hobby with the same intensity that they do. They don't want you to be able to do something that one of their HEROES does, especially.
THEIR passions are ALWAYS more intense than yours, their knowledge is always more extensive than yours, their family and friendship bonds are always deeper than yours, they are more worthy of LOVE and RESPECT than you are. You can NEVER be an "equal" in anything, unless they have decided that it would serve them. Once they have deemed you as "lower", that is where you will stay in their eyes, always.
(Taking them seriously with their hierarchy creations is something a lot of people fall for, until they realize what's going on.)
The narcissist's social hierarchy creations have NOTHING to do with real status and hierarchies, which are essential in certain groups such as families, businesses, and public service, for communication, learning, and functionality. These hierarchies are real, and have nothing to do with who is "liked" or "worthy" and who is not. In a real (and healthy) hierarchy, positions exist for actual reasons, not because of popularity. (Obviously Narcs infiltrate these groups and inject their own influence, corrupting the real functionality, but the reasons those hierarchies exist are legitimate and not about intrinsic personal "worthiness")
Essential Awareness
In order to overcome or avoid an obstacle, you have to know it's there to begin with. Birds fly into window glass all the time because they don't see it. Our cars break down because we didn't notice an issue when it first started. We trip over things, slip on ice, and bump into things and people, and drive in potholes because we did not see them.
Awareness of the social dynamics around us is just as essential as awareness of physical objects in avoiding pitfalls. If we do not know the salesman at the door is really a thief, we may give him all kinds of clues so he knows when to come and rob us. We may even let him in the house, if he makes us feel comfortable with him. We probably won't even remember the interaction when we file the report after our home has been robbed.
Daily social interaction with those we already know is the same way. Our human confidence in our own ability to judge people often leads to serious mistakes that can cause us severe consequences, and consequences for our loved ones as well.
It is far too often that we trust a jackal over a lamb, just because the jackal hit all the right buttons on our "trust" meter, and the lamb did not even try to "make us" trust her, because she is not manipulative.
Our egos will jump to defense when our judgment is challenged, and this makes us defend the jackal, even when we have become aware of the manipulation. We aren't really defending the jackal; we are defending our selves. We do not want to be seen as someone who made a bad judgment, or a huge mistake.
Awareness is tough for most people, because our subconscious tries very hard to guide us to learning only what feels comfortable. We don't really want to know that a person we are attached to is really a liar, or a person who makes us feel good is really abusive to their family. We don't want to know that the repairman we trust is really a con, or that the person we have followed in spirituality is really just a regular person with all kinds of human "flaws".
But if we do not work on our awareness, we continue to live in a world made up of other people's manipulations and fantasies.
Awareness of the social dynamics around us is just as essential as awareness of physical objects in avoiding pitfalls. If we do not know the salesman at the door is really a thief, we may give him all kinds of clues so he knows when to come and rob us. We may even let him in the house, if he makes us feel comfortable with him. We probably won't even remember the interaction when we file the report after our home has been robbed.
Daily social interaction with those we already know is the same way. Our human confidence in our own ability to judge people often leads to serious mistakes that can cause us severe consequences, and consequences for our loved ones as well.
It is far too often that we trust a jackal over a lamb, just because the jackal hit all the right buttons on our "trust" meter, and the lamb did not even try to "make us" trust her, because she is not manipulative.
Our egos will jump to defense when our judgment is challenged, and this makes us defend the jackal, even when we have become aware of the manipulation. We aren't really defending the jackal; we are defending our selves. We do not want to be seen as someone who made a bad judgment, or a huge mistake.
Awareness is tough for most people, because our subconscious tries very hard to guide us to learning only what feels comfortable. We don't really want to know that a person we are attached to is really a liar, or a person who makes us feel good is really abusive to their family. We don't want to know that the repairman we trust is really a con, or that the person we have followed in spirituality is really just a regular person with all kinds of human "flaws".
But if we do not work on our awareness, we continue to live in a world made up of other people's manipulations and fantasies.
Competition And Narcissism
A common trait of Narcissism is competitiveness. When a narcissist sees someone doing something that might get attention or the least bit of recognition, they are triggered to envy and competitiveness. And if the person who is doing this thing is deemed "lower" than the narc. in his/her head, the narc. will often do or say something to criticize or invalidate, or dismiss, abandon, or try to get other people to reject the person. Competition is the world they live in. If you have not been put on a pedestal by the Narc. as a "recognized Leader", then you are competition to them. They do not DO 'support' or 'recognition' or 'promotion', unless it directly serves them somehow.
Rage Against Rage Against Feminism
Once again, I sit in amazement as I read comment after comment, post after post, and rant after rant by seemingly intelligent people who apparently have a severe addiction to adrenaline and hatred.
I have never seen such incredible examples of clique behavior in humans than when the subject of feminism is broached in the slightest way.
As if they are covered in third degree burns and getting pelted with shrapnel, the extreme emotional reactivity from all sides regarding this subject is astounding. Such a low level of rational thought combined with a ridiculous volatility makes a real case for primal threat reaction, such as when a group of animals panic when a predator is near.
Why do so many people react with extreme hostility, which is never to be confused with rational thought, every time the subject is mentioned in any way? Why do so many people have absolutely ZERO interest in learning about real life experiences, observations, or point of view, but yet have HIGHLY emotional reactions toward a subject they refuse to talk about or study in earnest?
Why is there SO LITTLE objectivity, or even relatively calm or respectful discussion, regarding female humans in reality?
Welcome to Primate World, my little monkeys. If you feel the adrenaline squirt every time a subject comes up, or you feel like you're on a "side" or a "team", sorry, but it's not the "intellect" part of your big Great Ape brain that you're using. Objectivity is out the window, far, far away..
For my more evolved Humanoid friends who want to test their reactivity (who haven't already done so), see how long you can listen to, or read, an account of an experience from a person whom you feel is on the "other" team. See how well you can separate them from yourself, and see how fully you can put yourself INSIDE of their shoes, inside of their hearts, inside of their heads. See how long you can listen (or read) with pure observation, with NONE of your own opinion or judgment clouding your head. Believe it or not, there are actual human beings who do this easily on a regular basis, and they are mere mortals. If they can do it, it can be done by any human with reasonable intelligence if effort is applied. .
I have never seen such incredible examples of clique behavior in humans than when the subject of feminism is broached in the slightest way.
As if they are covered in third degree burns and getting pelted with shrapnel, the extreme emotional reactivity from all sides regarding this subject is astounding. Such a low level of rational thought combined with a ridiculous volatility makes a real case for primal threat reaction, such as when a group of animals panic when a predator is near.
Why do so many people react with extreme hostility, which is never to be confused with rational thought, every time the subject is mentioned in any way? Why do so many people have absolutely ZERO interest in learning about real life experiences, observations, or point of view, but yet have HIGHLY emotional reactions toward a subject they refuse to talk about or study in earnest?
Why is there SO LITTLE objectivity, or even relatively calm or respectful discussion, regarding female humans in reality?
Welcome to Primate World, my little monkeys. If you feel the adrenaline squirt every time a subject comes up, or you feel like you're on a "side" or a "team", sorry, but it's not the "intellect" part of your big Great Ape brain that you're using. Objectivity is out the window, far, far away..
For my more evolved Humanoid friends who want to test their reactivity (who haven't already done so), see how long you can listen to, or read, an account of an experience from a person whom you feel is on the "other" team. See how well you can separate them from yourself, and see how fully you can put yourself INSIDE of their shoes, inside of their hearts, inside of their heads. See how long you can listen (or read) with pure observation, with NONE of your own opinion or judgment clouding your head. Believe it or not, there are actual human beings who do this easily on a regular basis, and they are mere mortals. If they can do it, it can be done by any human with reasonable intelligence if effort is applied. .
Asperger's "Disorder" ?
If people with Aspergers/autism get along fine
with other people who have autism, and don't bully or make fun of
either autistic people OR non-autistic people, then, where is the social
disorder, really? Wouldn't the disorder be found in the people who have
a hard time accepting others, and dealing with their differences...?
Pretty sure the whole "social awkardness" thing is quite backwards. If
Henry has Asperger's, and he is polite, courteous and accepting toward
everyone, then how does he have a disorder? Frank, on the other hand,
does not have any autism, and makes fun of Henry and avoids him, even
gossips about him to other people. Pretty sure it's FRANK who has the
disorder, not Henry...
Feel My Power
It is good to prove our own strength and ability to ourselves, and let it build our confidence. Comparing ourselves to others and trying to prove we are superior is not the same thing, and is not required to build confidence. It can have the effect of becoming a negative habit, where we become satisfied with ourselves as long as we can find someone to dominate. Eventually we stop looking for our own growth and seek out flaws in others, or even create them if we can't find any.
Narcissist Parents
"
"I am 19, female. For years it's been like this.. my parents are always criticizing me over everything. I was going out with this one guy for two years, and we were engaged. I lost my virginity to him at 18 while engaged, thinking we were getting married. Well, he betrayed me and broke my heart. Awhile passed, and I met this new guy. We're truly in love, and really feel we're the one for each other. We just had that sudden connection and bonding that is so nice. We are starting to get serious though. I am loving this situation between he and I. Problem is, is my parents. I can never talk to them without them critizing me. They treat me like a child, making me do chores all the time, doing their chores, threatening to spank me all the time, force me to stay at home when I forgot to do a chore, and control where I go in my car. When I was out job-hunting a lot (I am laid off), I would need their gas credit card to get gas. Well, my dad would scream at me if he saw that I got a soda or two while getting gas. He'd yell at me when I got gas and forgot to inform him. So now that my boyfriend and I are getting serious, I would like to tell my parents about the situation, and how I feel about him. But I am scared to because with my ex, they criticized me. I didn't even tell them yet that I am not a virgin anymore. Last night coming home from seeing my boyfriend, they wanted to talk to me about the "Sex talk." Mad because I am 19, and know what sex is.. but they think I know nothing about it. Today, I cried because I wanted to tell my parents about some ants that got in my room. They yelled at me for that. I am sick right now, and they wanted me to clean. I have done most of it, and my dad checked up on me and saw I wasn't finished so he started yelling at me. Right when I tried to respond, he slams my door. My mom used to be a severe alcoholic, now she drinks heavily once or twice a week (not sure if that's still considred alcoholism). When she's drunk, she triew to find me and she hits me, and yells at me. My dad doesn't drink, but he is stressed from having no job so he takes it out on me. My parents blame me for everything that happens in the house. If a diet coke is gone from the fridge, I get yelled at, and I don't even drink diet coke. I can't tell them anything, I feel like a young child in this house. My younger sister gets to do what she wants. She smokes, and plays video games all day. My parents know and don't care. I personally prefer not to drink, smoke, or do drugs, I attend online college full-time, and I do spend my time on this advice column giving advice; but today I need advice myself. I am trying my best to get a job, and leave.. my boyfriend is going to find a place after he gets home from Myrtle Beach which, and comes back next Sunday (not this coming one). When he does, and I move with him, I lose everything.. so I guess I am screwed. I can't move in with anyone else for that same reason, plus no one will take me in temporarily. Please help me, and give me advice on this matter. I just feel broken and helpess, when I am trying my best to stay strong. Thanks in advance.
"When they saw what awards I had earned, they complimented me and told my mom that she should be so proud to have such a beautiful and smart daughter like me. She just nodded and somehow managed to turn the conversation over to my brother’s graduation."
"My mom only focuses on my weaknesses, not strengths. I’ve asked her why she has to compare me to other girls and why she has to criticize me. She says she compares me to other girls because it’s supposed to be an inspiration for me to do better. In my head, I’m thinking, “So everything I’ve done hasn’t even reached good?” "
"My mom only focuses on my weaknesses, not strengths. I’ve asked her why she has to compare me to other girls and why she has to criticize me. She says she compares me to other girls because it’s supposed to be an inspiration for me to do better. In my head, I’m thinking, “So everything I’ve done hasn’t even reached good?” "
"My dad constantly puts me down and criticizes me.
I am a normal 14 year old girl who has good grades, has never done drugs or had sex (like most kids at school), never had a boyfriend and I am very calm/patient/mellow. I'm not the kind of person who talks back and yells all the time. I just take a deep breath and move on but lately, that technique is wearing out. Today, when I was playing piano my dad (who acts very snotty and arrogant) huffs loudly from his room when I apparently made a "mistake", walks out of his room into the living room (where I am playing piano) and says, "You've played this for a long time and you never get anything right. You play like crap and you get this mixed up and messed up all the time." then he goes back to his room and slams the door. It's called "practicing piano" for a reason, for god's sake. Am I not allowed to make mistakes? The problem is, I practice piano EVERYDAY and he criticizes me EVERYDAY. I make mistakes but at least, I try to fix them.
He puts me down how I eat too much (when I don't), he says "THANK YOU." arrogantly whenever I kindly refuse a meal that is offered to me, if he misunderstands and thinks I'm disrespecting him he talks to me like a little piece of crap. For example, today I was laying down on my top bunk on my laptop. He was peeking over trying to look at my laptop (he's extremely nosy) and started talking. I turned over but not out of disrespect, I was going to listen but I was just randomly tossing and turning. He misunderstood and thought I was blowing him off. He said, "I talking to you, OK." in an angry, stern voice. (He's Asian, excuse the grammar. Hehe.) So I turned around and he proceeded to tell me that my niece who is the same age as me studies until 11PM. How was that going to benefit me? Obviously, that would only make me feel bad and he knew that. I know what you're going to say. "Sit him down and have a talk with him." Our family doesn't work that way. We don't sit down and have talks. If I ever sat him down to talk about how he's treated me, he'd just yell and say, "How do I insult you all time?!" and have these dramatic outbursts. I just need advice how to cope with this because it's driving me into depression.
I feel like dirt whenever he insults/criticizes me and I'm sick of it. Whenever I cry, it's always related to family. I can't handle it anymore. He even treats my older sister better than me AND my mom. He treats my mom like a piece of ****, too. She cooks all his meals EVERYDAY and I never heard him say Thank You. EVER. He only thanks my sister when she visits home and cooks for him. My dad talks to my mom like he KNOWS he's better than her and that he's the best at everything and that he's better than everyone but especially her. My mom admits that she only stays with him so we can keep paying off the house and feed the family. I cried when she told me this. He's a snobby, stuck-up, arrogant asshole. I've TRIED to find ways to love him but he makes it impossible. I don't like him. This may seem harsh but I don't think I would care if he left this house. He makes me cry all the time and never expresses love towards me. Only my older sister because she acts fake and sucks up to him.
I need help, please.
* 2 years ago
(Additional Details)
@Definitely no Aphrodite - He is not my stepdad so I'm Asian too! I'm not trying to bash on our race but our race tends to be strict, you know? I cannot live with my sister since I go to school here and I don't like my sister very much.
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
I've been there done that. You father is exhibiting behaviors he learned and experienced at home. His parents or whomever raised him treated him the exact way especially being Asian. Asian people are proud people with a very rich heritage. He wants you to pick up where he failed as a child in his parents eyes. He had a sad childhood. Forgive him that's all he knows. Without disrespecting him. standing up for yourself is NOT disrespect. Ask him kindly about his childhood and watch how angry he will get. This will give you the answer you are seeking. When you get the answer my advice to you is to try to understand how he grew up and why he gets on you. This is the only way he knows how to show you love because this is how "love" was shown to him this is what he thinks is love. when he gets angry you be nicer to him and eventually he will change. DO not encourage his negativity. for example if he says"why cant you play the piano yet ? kindly reply I understand how important it is for you that I learn how to play the piano and how much money you spent for me to take lessons but dad remember I also have school that I have to focus on and you know how much getting a good education means to me.Or would you like to practice with me dad? He will change over time when he sees that you're not giving into his negativity.
Source(s):
Personal experience of living with abusive father for 24 years. I'm 30 years old and I have begun a new life from past abuse. I know what its like living with a father like yours. Good luck and if you ever need more advice let me know. Good luck and have patience I know you can do it!
"I am 19, female. For years it's been like this.. my parents are always criticizing me over everything. I was going out with this one guy for two years, and we were engaged. I lost my virginity to him at 18 while engaged, thinking we were getting married. Well, he betrayed me and broke my heart. Awhile passed, and I met this new guy. We're truly in love, and really feel we're the one for each other. We just had that sudden connection and bonding that is so nice. We are starting to get serious though. I am loving this situation between he and I. Problem is, is my parents. I can never talk to them without them critizing me. They treat me like a child, making me do chores all the time, doing their chores, threatening to spank me all the time, force me to stay at home when I forgot to do a chore, and control where I go in my car. When I was out job-hunting a lot (I am laid off), I would need their gas credit card to get gas. Well, my dad would scream at me if he saw that I got a soda or two while getting gas. He'd yell at me when I got gas and forgot to inform him. So now that my boyfriend and I are getting serious, I would like to tell my parents about the situation, and how I feel about him. But I am scared to because with my ex, they criticized me. I didn't even tell them yet that I am not a virgin anymore. Last night coming home from seeing my boyfriend, they wanted to talk to me about the "Sex talk." Mad because I am 19, and know what sex is.. but they think I know nothing about it. Today, I cried because I wanted to tell my parents about some ants that got in my room. They yelled at me for that. I am sick right now, and they wanted me to clean. I have done most of it, and my dad checked up on me and saw I wasn't finished so he started yelling at me. Right when I tried to respond, he slams my door. My mom used to be a severe alcoholic, now she drinks heavily once or twice a week (not sure if that's still considred alcoholism). When she's drunk, she triew to find me and she hits me, and yells at me. My dad doesn't drink, but he is stressed from having no job so he takes it out on me. My parents blame me for everything that happens in the house. If a diet coke is gone from the fridge, I get yelled at, and I don't even drink diet coke. I can't tell them anything, I feel like a young child in this house. My younger sister gets to do what she wants. She smokes, and plays video games all day. My parents know and don't care. I personally prefer not to drink, smoke, or do drugs, I attend online college full-time, and I do spend my time on this advice column giving advice; but today I need advice myself. I am trying my best to get a job, and leave.. my boyfriend is going to find a place after he gets home from Myrtle Beach which, and comes back next Sunday (not this coming one). When he does, and I move with him, I lose everything.. so I guess I am screwed. I can't move in with anyone else for that same reason, plus no one will take me in temporarily. Please help me, and give me advice on this matter. I just feel broken and helpess, when I am trying my best to stay strong. Thanks in advance.
"Oh Mom. Oh Honey." From The Washington Post
"Do you think you would have accomplished all this if you had stayed
married?" "Absolutely not," I said. "If I'd stayed married, I wouldn't
have gone to grad school to get my PhD."
"Well," she replied, "if you'd stayed married you wouldn't have had to." Ouch. With her casual remark, my mother had reduced all I had accomplished to the consolation prize.
Making Narcissists
If a child is treated as a Prince or a
Princess by one person, (or people), and treated with contempt and abuse
by another person (or people), then the child often ends up believing
that life is good only when they are being treated like royalty. They
may automatically FEAR, or become enraged, with anyone who does not
treat them like royalty, because that means those people are of the
OTHER kind ~...
the abusive ones. Maturing out of this imprint might be close to
impossible, and extremely painful for the person, it's the world that
was given to them. They were not shown enough healthy boundaries,
healthy interaction, or healthy encouragement and discipline to offset
the other extreme treatment. They really have no idea what it's like to
co-exist with others; they were either being put on a throne, or thrown
in the dungeon. On the throne, they are taught that they are above all
others, and anyone who is upset is "just jealous of them" and not to be
cared about, and in the dungeon they are fighting for their very hearts
and hides, so no time or strength to care for others. So either life is a
feather pillow with servants, or you are being thrown in the dirt,
ostracized, and starved. This is one way Narcissists are made.
For those who don't like metaphors and analogies, here is a real life example.
Little Frankie is 7 years old. His parents Susanna and Steven work a lot, but both sets of grandparents volunteer to help babysit. When Frankie is at Susanna's parents house, his grandfather treats him like the "son he never had". He spends lots of good, positive time with Frankie, teaching him how to do everything he thinks a "son" should know how to do. All the positive time spent with Frankie would be good, if it weren't for the exaggerated praise he gives his grandson; anything that Frankie does, Susanna's father praises him as if he has accomplished a great feat. This both confuses Frankie and inflates his very young ego to uncomfortable levels. He does not like to discipline Frankie when he breaks rules or talks back, and makes excuses for his behavior, his favorite being "boys will be boys". He keeps much of his time with Frankie separate from his wife, because he does not want her to see how much he dotes on him, especially since he did not treat his own daughter with the same attention he is lavishing on Frankie. When Susanna's mother does get to spend time with him, she is often doing "domestic/housewife/mother" things like cooking or cleaning, so Frankie's experience of his Grandmother is very limited; Frankie believes that what he sees her doing is ALL she is capable of. Susan's father encourages this belief because he thinks it's funny, and he is trying to turn Frankie into a sidekick-buddy, instead of raising his grandson as a well-rounded, aware, self-disciplined and empathetic person.
When Frankie goes to Steven's parents house, his experience is much different. Steven's parents are able to care for and watch Frankie, but they are both in less than optimum health, so they do not spend as much one on one time with Frankie, and can not really do the things they would like to do with him. So they are grateful that their other son Ron, Steven's brother, offers to take Frankie to his place often. Ron is married to Vicki, and they have two children of their own. Unbeknown to the rest of the family, the real reason Ron volunteers to take Frankie is to give his kids someone to play with while he and Vicki party. Ron and Vicki put all three kids in the "playroom" every day, and do not spend any time with them. If they are allowed to go outside, they are not allowed back in until suppertime. At suppertime, the atmosphere is extremely rigid, the children must speak in hushed tones or not at all, they must eat all that is served or they are punished with humiliating remarks, shame, and sometimes physical punishment. After supper they are sent back into the playroom, and are ordered to stay quiet. Frankie, especially, is spoken to with contempt and disdain because Ron and Vicki are very jealous of Steven and Susan, and they are not mature enough to see Frankie as a separate person, and a child. Frankie does not report their abuse to anyone because he is very afraid of them. Also, because of the ego-inflation treatment from Susan's father, he fears that coming forward would make others think of him as "less than a man", which, coming from a 7 year old child, is a large red flag that something is very wrong.
Because of these two extremes that Frankie experiences, he has begun the process of becoming a Narcissist; a person who is trapped in Ego, and does not get the chance to develop his inner Human Being. He only feels accepted and comfortable, and happy, when he is with the Grandfather that treats him like a little Prince instead of a Grandson; his experience outside of this Prince-treatment is dark and soul-draining. With so very little normalizing treatment in between where he is treated like just one of the gang and given REAL feedback of what he does and who he is, he is left without a mirror of the real Frankie, and does not have a real Mentor to guide him, or to show him calm, even-keeled love and interaction. No one is teaching Frankie to care about others, or why it's important at all. No one is mirroring the REAL Frankie back to him, or guiding him in how to behave, or what the world is really all about, or who other people are. No one is letting Frankie find out who HE really is. Frankie is being set up to become a shell of the person he could have become, and he will live in that SHELL, instead of fully inside of himself.
Poor Frankie, no one should have to grow up believing that they are either a Prince who will inherit a Throne and his own Kingdom when he grows up, or living in fear of humiliation and abandonment.
For those who don't like metaphors and analogies, here is a real life example.
Little Frankie is 7 years old. His parents Susanna and Steven work a lot, but both sets of grandparents volunteer to help babysit. When Frankie is at Susanna's parents house, his grandfather treats him like the "son he never had". He spends lots of good, positive time with Frankie, teaching him how to do everything he thinks a "son" should know how to do. All the positive time spent with Frankie would be good, if it weren't for the exaggerated praise he gives his grandson; anything that Frankie does, Susanna's father praises him as if he has accomplished a great feat. This both confuses Frankie and inflates his very young ego to uncomfortable levels. He does not like to discipline Frankie when he breaks rules or talks back, and makes excuses for his behavior, his favorite being "boys will be boys". He keeps much of his time with Frankie separate from his wife, because he does not want her to see how much he dotes on him, especially since he did not treat his own daughter with the same attention he is lavishing on Frankie. When Susanna's mother does get to spend time with him, she is often doing "domestic/housewife/mother" things like cooking or cleaning, so Frankie's experience of his Grandmother is very limited; Frankie believes that what he sees her doing is ALL she is capable of. Susan's father encourages this belief because he thinks it's funny, and he is trying to turn Frankie into a sidekick-buddy, instead of raising his grandson as a well-rounded, aware, self-disciplined and empathetic person.
When Frankie goes to Steven's parents house, his experience is much different. Steven's parents are able to care for and watch Frankie, but they are both in less than optimum health, so they do not spend as much one on one time with Frankie, and can not really do the things they would like to do with him. So they are grateful that their other son Ron, Steven's brother, offers to take Frankie to his place often. Ron is married to Vicki, and they have two children of their own. Unbeknown to the rest of the family, the real reason Ron volunteers to take Frankie is to give his kids someone to play with while he and Vicki party. Ron and Vicki put all three kids in the "playroom" every day, and do not spend any time with them. If they are allowed to go outside, they are not allowed back in until suppertime. At suppertime, the atmosphere is extremely rigid, the children must speak in hushed tones or not at all, they must eat all that is served or they are punished with humiliating remarks, shame, and sometimes physical punishment. After supper they are sent back into the playroom, and are ordered to stay quiet. Frankie, especially, is spoken to with contempt and disdain because Ron and Vicki are very jealous of Steven and Susan, and they are not mature enough to see Frankie as a separate person, and a child. Frankie does not report their abuse to anyone because he is very afraid of them. Also, because of the ego-inflation treatment from Susan's father, he fears that coming forward would make others think of him as "less than a man", which, coming from a 7 year old child, is a large red flag that something is very wrong.
Because of these two extremes that Frankie experiences, he has begun the process of becoming a Narcissist; a person who is trapped in Ego, and does not get the chance to develop his inner Human Being. He only feels accepted and comfortable, and happy, when he is with the Grandfather that treats him like a little Prince instead of a Grandson; his experience outside of this Prince-treatment is dark and soul-draining. With so very little normalizing treatment in between where he is treated like just one of the gang and given REAL feedback of what he does and who he is, he is left without a mirror of the real Frankie, and does not have a real Mentor to guide him, or to show him calm, even-keeled love and interaction. No one is teaching Frankie to care about others, or why it's important at all. No one is mirroring the REAL Frankie back to him, or guiding him in how to behave, or what the world is really all about, or who other people are. No one is letting Frankie find out who HE really is. Frankie is being set up to become a shell of the person he could have become, and he will live in that SHELL, instead of fully inside of himself.
Poor Frankie, no one should have to grow up believing that they are either a Prince who will inherit a Throne and his own Kingdom when he grows up, or living in fear of humiliation and abandonment.
Is He Or She Capable Of Support?
If they don't care about you as a person, they
aren't going to care about your opinions, or your well-being either.
You're just going to have to stop looking for reciprocal, caring support
and normal respect from those who aren't capable of giving it. You
don't expect your dog to rub your back when you've been working all day,
even though you feed him, care for him, and rub him every day; or your...
goldfish to make you soup when you're sick, even though you clean his
tank and feed him. Some are capable of reciprocal care and respect, and
some just aren't. Some are not even capable of seeing anything at all
that you do, or hearing what you say, or remembering anything you've
done, said, or been through. They just aren't, no more than a parakeet
is capable of helping you figure out how to build a plane. All you can
do is accept it, and learn from observation, and look elsewhere for real
support and friendship
Get Off The Political High Horse (Elephant)(Donkey)(etc)
Using
political labels to say who is "right" and who is "wrong", who is
"GOOD" and who is "BAD"... does not create unity, but only creates
separation. All of the political ideals have merit in some ways, and
cause detriment in other ways, but humans have a hard time with this;
they want one thing to be ALL BAD and the thing they like to be ALL
GOOD. Ideas are not people, ideas are not alive, ideas do not create
things. People who do things like identify themselves with an idea, and
vilify anyone who does not go along with the "side" they have chosen
voluntarily create separation. Just doing what primates do, identifying
with a group, and calling the other group "THEM", instead of leaving
ideas where they belong, in objectivity-land, where they can be viewed
without bias and learned from, without becoming a cult.
Proving You're A "Good Person" To A Narcissist
No matter how much you help, how much you
give, how long you listen, how many things you do, how hard you work, it
will never get through to a person with Narcissism. They need you to be
the self-centered one, the petty one, the dumb one, the crazy one, and
you can not do anything to prove otherwise, ever. You could become a nun
or a priest, go on a mission and succeed in saving the entire contin...ent
of Africa from tyranny and starvation, and they would still see you in
the same exact light. You see, anything about you that is not about
them, any attention you pay that is not to them, anything you do that
doesn't serve them, they will always see as you're "wrongdoing". You
could listen to them talk about their problems for 5 hours, literally,
and they won't notice; but the moment you bring something up about
yourself, even for a minute, their alarm goes off. They don't actually
see reality, they see a construct of their own imagination, created to
make them feel better about themselves. It will not change, ever, so let
it go, put your focus on the world beyond them. It's still there, even
if they have convinced you that it's not, and you're still a full
member, you belong, even if they have convinced you that you never did.
You really, really, really do.
Patriarchy Matriarchy Humanarchy
A culture that consistently calls women who
aren't afraid to speak their minds "characters", "brave", or
"intelligent", and men who aren't afraid to speak their minds "bitches",
"crazy", or "out of line", is ultimately doomed to fail. Or was it the
other way around?.. well it doesn't matter, it's the same result either
way.
Blame Game: Narcissism
Question:
"
"EVERYTHING, AND I DO MEAN EVERYTHING.
They are INCAPABLE of accepting responsibility for ANYTHING.
To a narcissist:
Youre hurt? YOUR FAULT
They disrespected you? Nope. YOU'RE too sensitive.
You feel lonely? YOURE TOO NEEDY.
You see the pattern. The only thing a narc would cop to are GOOD things.
Great party? THEIR idea.
Great sex? They're a sexual god..."
~ After Narcissistic Abuse There Is Light And Love
Find this excellent resource page and support forum on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?ref=stream&__req=c
"
"EVERYTHING, AND I DO MEAN EVERYTHING.
They are INCAPABLE of accepting responsibility for ANYTHING.
To a narcissist:
Youre hurt? YOUR FAULT
They disrespected you? Nope. YOU'RE too sensitive.
You feel lonely? YOURE TOO NEEDY.
You see the pattern. The only thing a narc would cop to are GOOD things.
Great party? THEIR idea.
Great sex? They're a sexual god..."
~ After Narcissistic Abuse There Is Light And Love
Find this excellent resource page and support forum on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?ref=stream&__req=c
Don't Call Them Liberals
The people in modern America who keep calling themselves "Liberals" actually fall under a different political ideology. A history-genius friend of mine pointed me in the direction of "Statism", under which there are several subcategories. The term that describes the people who keep claiming to be "Left" and "Liberal" are actually much closer to "Authoritarians".
"Authoritarianism, on the other hand, views a strong, authoritative state as required to legislate or enforce morality and cultural practices. The ideology of statism espoused by fascism holds that sovereignty is not vested in the people but in the nation state, and that all individuals and associations exist only to enhance the power, prestige and well-being of the state. It repudiates individualism and exalts the nation as an organic body headed by the Supreme Leader and nurtured by unity, force, and discipline. Fascism and some forms of corporatism extol the moral position that the corporate group, usually the state, is greater than the sum of its parts and that individuals have a moral obligation to serve the state.
Click on the Wiki link to read, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statism
"Authoritarianism, on the other hand, views a strong, authoritative state as required to legislate or enforce morality and cultural practices. The ideology of statism espoused by fascism holds that sovereignty is not vested in the people but in the nation state, and that all individuals and associations exist only to enhance the power, prestige and well-being of the state. It repudiates individualism and exalts the nation as an organic body headed by the Supreme Leader and nurtured by unity, force, and discipline. Fascism and some forms of corporatism extol the moral position that the corporate group, usually the state, is greater than the sum of its parts and that individuals have a moral obligation to serve the state.
Click on the Wiki link to read, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statism
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