High Expectations Of Others In Narcissism

Q: "Why do narcissists expect such high levels of tolerance for their behavior from others? Especially when their tolerance for others is way below healthy levels?"

A: "Many people who developed narcissistic tendencies are just acting out what was modeled to them in childhood, like most people do. When a child watches an older relative regularly blow up or treat others with disdain, disrespect, and arrogance, or even abuse, he or she is being taught that this behavior is within the bounds of "normal". When this older relative's behavior is tolerated by adults, the child is being taught that "unconditional love" means "Tolerance of abusive, disrespectful, grandiose behavior". They are also taught this when they are the ones expected to tolerate the behavior toward themselves from this person.
 
It is completely normal for a human child to learn how humans behave from the adults around him or her. If the child sees a person acting like a disrespectful, abusive, spoiled King or Queen, and getting away with it, it often looks to the child like THAT is the behavior to mimic in order to be treated well and have a secure place in the family, or in the community. The child of course wants to be seen as the highest possible status when he or she grows up, and if the "head of the family" rules over everyone like a bratty schoolyard bully, then that's what the child sees as how the "head of the family" is supposed to behave. 

Also, the person or people who display this behavior and get away with it might be a sibling, an uncle or an aunt, a grandparent, a cousin, or even a friend of the family. When everyone is tolerating untoward behavior from a person, it looks to a child that this person is held in higher regard than everyone else, that this person has a higher status, and is respected more. It would easily make sense to a child that mimicking this person's behavior would cause everyone to give him or her the same special treatment.

The child is also being taught that it's NORMAL to have a hierarchy within the family like a Gorilla Troupe. All it takes is for the child to watch this person behaving this way and not receive appropriate consequences for them to get the impression that it's "okay" to act this way. They often even come to believe that "mastering" this behavior is an indication of Coming of Age, of becoming a Real Man or a Real Woman. Whoever throws their weight around the most to get their way, and GETS their way, looks to a child like a powerful person. Children do not yet know the difference between entitled, spoiled, bully behavior and strength, confidence, and respect.
 
When this belief is formed early from this modeling, the child may internalize it so much that he or she does not see that it is not his or her own identity. The child may believe that this behavior is actually the way they should act, and that anyone who opposes their behavior or stands up to them is putting them down, disrespecting THEM, and trying to SHAME THEM for "Who They Are".


Basically, the child was taught to expect tolerance FROM others no matter what, and that means the others love and respect him or her. They were also taught that treating others with condescension and DISrespect is their right and privilege as one of the "Real" or "Elite People" like they saw the abusive person as. 

 Even being put on a pedestal and treated like a Golden Child, above others, is a form of abuse; the child is not taught any bearings on reality, the child is not given real mirroring as a real person, and does not feel like he or she belongs in the world. It also pits others against the child, making the child even more isolated.

 It is important to understand that any child who grew up with an abusive person or persons in their lives was a victim of abuse whether they developed narcissistic tendencies or not. This means their natural boundaries were probably torn down, and they had to compensate and cope without them in place. Our boundaries are what allow us to cope with day to day challenges, trials and tribulations, other people's behavior, and with large scale problems as well. Without intact boundaries, when abuse and trauma have damaged them, we humans feel buffeted and beaten by life. People develop all kinds of coping mechanisms and skills to get through life without intact boundaries, including displaying aggression, building walls, self-destruction, becoming submissive, or arrogance and entitlement.  It can be compared in a physical way to skin; if a person's skin was damaged, they would protect themselves by covering it with something, keeping people away, telling people they need to be extra-aware of them so they don't hurt their damaged skin, expecting people to treat them with extra care, and going to higher ground to be above the fray, to avoid injury. A person may also take something regularly to ease the pain. If they healed the damaged skin back to full health, they would not need to do any of those things, and would live life without so much worry, expectation of others, and self-protection.

It is a tragic scenario, a child being modeled entitled, abusive, narcissistic behavior as "Adult Behavior", but there is hope for the adult child to heal completely if they can grasp the concept of humility and healing. Since it's common for Narcissists to teach a child a false concept of humility, that it's the same as submission to others and destruction of self-worth, the person would need to RELEARN the real definition of humility. Also if they can grasp the concept that they don't have to reject and hate the person(s) who modeled the behavior, that they don't have to be ashamed of the person or of themselves in order to feel remorse, guilt, or love for themselves and others, then healing can begin.

Grown Up Psychologists

Those who work as caregivers, counselors, or doctors in the related fields of psychiatry and psychology can not perform their jobs properly if they have not matured out of judging others. A patient who has been judged as "damaged goods" or "lesser" by a psych. professional can not be treated properly, they have already been thrown away. Just like a teacher who sees a child as "no good" or a "waste of a seat" will not teach that child with any professionalism, a clergy who sees a parishioner as "damned" or "no good" will not bother to do his or her real job, or a police officer who assumes that a person is guilty of something because of their tattoos, their short skirt, the car they're driving, or the color of their skin. When the job a person has CHOSEN is working with human beings, the ability to see them as innately valuable individuals and remain objective is absolutely essential in doing their job properly. It takes a certain level of maturity and self-awareness, but with a small amount of effort, anyone without a mental limitation can learn objectivity. Judging students, clients and patients as "bad" or "good" should have been left far behind, in childhood, where it belongs.

Song

What would happen if you recorded a song you wrote, put it on the internet, and it became a huge hit?

Treating Narcissism

"I dispute that narcissism is not treatable. The only reason it isn't treatable or that droves of psychologists and researchers are not pursuing it is that it is difficult and someone feels they could make money easier."

-CAC

I wholeheartedly agree.

Only Losers...

Only The Envious Criticize People For Doing What They Love To Do. When Someone Criticizes Them For Doing What They Love, They Will Be The First Ones To Have A Meltdown Tantrum...

"Writers write. They don't stop just because someone doesn't like their subject, tells them they're not good at it, or calls them a loser. Just like musicians must play, writers must write. The only ones who seem to get it are others like themselves. There will always be critics- friends, family, teachers.. you know you've finally made it when the critics are insulting you in the Times."

Basic Narcissism 101

A very basic analogy of narcissism could be seen as two people who meet; one of them speaks only French, the other speaks only Spanish.

The Spanish speaking person wants the French speaker to learn Spanish so they can communicate easier, but literally has no interest in learning any French.

The Spanish speaking person wants their French speaking friend to come to all the holiday celebrations a...nd family gatherings, and sees this as being open and friendly, but refuses to go to any of the French speaker's holiday celebrations or family activities.

When the French speaker declines attending one of the Spanish celebrations, the Spanish speaker feels angry and indignant, "blown off", but completely fails to notice that he has railed against attending most of the events that the French speaker invited him to.

The French speaker, in broken Spanish, conveys to the Spanish speaker that it would be very helpful if the Spanish speaker learned how to speak some French, but the Spanish speaker basically shrugs the request off.

The Spanish speaker sees his life, his schedule, his experiences and his traditions as the "Real" Life, and sees the French speaker's life and all therein as not really significant or important in comparison, and certainly not as "Real". The Spanish speaker really believes that if the French speaker just forgot about his own less significant life and adapted to life with and just like the Spanish speaker, and acted the way the Spanish speaker wants him to act, and did everything he was told, he would be happy. It never occurs to him that the French speaker's life is just as REAL as his own already, and that his life is not more valid or important than the other's.

The Spanish speaker will become angry and actually accuse the French speaker of blow-off, betrayal, inconsiderate behavior, and even abuse when the French speaker does not continue to grant the Spanish speaker's wishes and comply with all requests. Even asking the Spanish speaker to make a small effort toward helping the communication and treating the French speaker with respect will often trigger the Spanish speaker to become angry, AS IF MEETING THE FRENCH SPEAKER HALFWAY ABOUT ANYTHING IS A TERRIBLE AND PAINFUL BURDEN, and that the French speaker is being cruel and untoward to even suggest such a thing.

The narcissist is a Royal who does not want to leave the security and safety of his or her palace, and gets offended and very upset when asked to do so, but fully expects others to leave their palaces unattended in order to fulfill his or her requests and expectations. This Royal does not meet others "halfway", would not sacrifice a sweetmeat to feed a starving subject, would not leave the comfort of their palace to be by a dying relative's side. Doesn't even know why a person would do those things.

We All Live In A Yellow Submarine

Most people fear this subject like they fear bears, snakes and spiders.

Imagination is what we use to get through the day. All of us, not just some of us.
We all use it constantly to make ourselves feel safe and confident. We use it to make ourselves believe we know much, much more than we do about literally everything.
All of us do this, not just some of us.
Those of us that are not aware of this function in our own minds are prone to believing our own mind-stories thoroughly.
The less aware we are of our own imaginations weaving stories for us, the more we deny that it happens.

For instance, when we eat food we bought at the market or in a restaurant, our imagination says "this is safe to eat". Reality is, we have no actual evidence that the food is safe. Unless we test all of the food we are about to eat with lab equipment, we do not know it's safe. But if we don't get ourselves to believe it's safe, we'll starve.
 
When we see or meet another person, we make a story up about them. The purpose of this is so we will be able to function in the new person's presence, and not react in fear, or get ourselves hurt. In reality, we actually know nothing about them, but our imaginations will fill in the huge blanks anyway based on extremely superficial things. We also factor in our own self-image and ego in order to create the story about the person so we can make them smarter or dumber than ourselves, weaker or stronger, more or less experienced, more or less ethical. In reality, we have only a thimble full of real information about the person, and that may not even be true. We are basing an entire story of the person's personality, ethics, experience, ability, physical strength, motives, and background on some things about their appearance, the way they talk, how big they are, and what sex they are. Then we think of our OWN self-image, and we craft our story about WHO and WHAT this person is, and how we WANT this person to be. 

If we hit one or two things on the mark, we think we are right about everything... 

We even do this with people we have "known" for years. Once we make up a story about another person, we tend to continue to believe it forever, regardless of facts that contradict our fantasy. And we will continue to treat the person as if our fantasy of them is real.

This is why we are so often surprised when we find out a person has certain experiences or skills, or is smarter than we thought, or turns out to be a criminal. We made up a fantasy story about the person and believed it without actually finding out anything factual about them. It would take a very long time to actually get to know a person for real, but most of us would rather simply fill in the blanks with illusions, fantasies and stories that we make up in our own heads. 

We like to make people into characters and caricatures on a regular basis, based on not much more than our imaginations and egos.

If our imaginations didn't work overtime every day, if we were fully aware of all the factual information around us, we would all be hard-pressed to walk out the front door due to our overwhelming fear. But since the human brain takes over with imagination, we walk right out the door, drive our cars, interact with random humans, eat whatever food we buy, and walk around in the open space breathing air. The imagination helps us to live. But it also keeps us in a story-land of our own making.

Lynn Everett-Purfield  

Yes, true!! Perhaps the most tragic thing is that we form fixed images of those we come to 'know' and in this we imprison them. We trap them in the image and block free movement of the individual, who in fact is probably a totally different person when perceived by another. We tend to hold each down with this rigidity, and often will not tolerate the same rigidity of perception of ourselves from others. We find it most difficult to let go of, yet it is simply belief we call the truth.
It's all in the thinking process, which is trying to protect the image we have of our self. It is possible for this process to be quiet and simply listen. We are rarely truly giving full attention because we are distracted by pain.

Why Marriage Doesn't Work Anymore

Forget about the article, read the comment thread. Look how MANY people go into slathering fits and pathetic, ridiculous, defensive bashing.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/11/29/living/why-we-get-mad-at-our-husbands-p

Hyper-defensive, much?

There's a TON of these all over the internet. Read them with intelligent observational skills, not as one of the hostile monkeys embroiled in the excruciating grunting and hooting.

Animosity, hostility, swinging and hurling personal insults like it's going out of style; people are ADDICTED to Jerry Springer Show-style foaming at the mouth like a bunch of rabid sasquatches.

GEE, WONDER WHY PEOPLE HAVE SO MANY RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS THESE DAYS?

How the hell does an ENTIRE GLOBAL COMMUNITY lose its ability to have rational conversation without becoming HYSTERICALLY DEFENSIVE, HOSTILE, AND SNOTTY?

There are people reading this RIGHT NOW seeing my CAPS as "aggressive"... but they won't express that thought with any kind of mindfulness, they'll express it like an out-of-control angry chimpanzee who has acquired the ability of language, but only learned swear words, personal insults, and how to say the most demeaning things possible, and they will believe they are speaking like an intelligent human. THEY WILL BE 30 TIMES MORE AGGRESSIVE THAN CAPS COULD EVER BE, ABOUT THE CAPS, BUT THEY WILL BE IN COMPLETE DENIAL ABOUT IT.

Thanks VERY MUCH, pathetically irresponsible media in all forms... for your relentless contribution to a completely histrionic global community. And thank you SO MUCH insanely intelligent government "leaders" and "workers" for YOUR contribution to the pathetic CHAOS, and thanks to all the "educators" who took their jobs to enhance THEIR OWN AGENDAS instead of MENTORING STUDENTS (ALL STUDENTS, not just your special PETS).

The CREEPINESS out there is just WAY over the top, WAY beyond comprehension, and the more the monkeys hoot and holler, the MORE THEY HOOT AND HOLLER.

GET A GRIP, CHILDREN, whatever your chronological age is! THIS IS YOUR OWN DRINKING WATER YOU'RE SHITTING IN, STUPID!!!

OK GO!

This Too Shall Pass

Clique, Clique, Claque: Herd Behavior, Dysfunctional Groups

Dysfunctional groups and cliques like to dictate who their members can associate with. They are often quite effective, and don't even pay any mind to whether it's right or wrong. A member of this group may be so used to this behavior that they also don't think about whether it's right or wrong, they simply feel the pressure of the group and behave accordingly. Any new person that a member of this group brings in will be assessed and found either acceptable or unacceptable. The assessment is always first and foremost about whether this new person fits in with the hierarchy that's already established within the group. If this new person is found to be unwilling to follow the group agenda, including political opinion and going along with gossip or illegal activity, they will not be welcomed. If this new person threatens the ego of one of the group members, they will not be welcomed, and may be smeared or outright rejected. Even if this new person is a love interest of one of the members of the group, this will not be respected. The new person will ONLY be accepted and welcomed if they follow along with the controls, agendas, and hierarchy already within the group, and ONLY if no one in the group is jealous of or intimidated by the person. Disordered groups do not respect the rights, boundaries, opinions or needs of the individual. If a person does not conform to their satisfaction, they will be rejected. If the member that brought this new person into the group does not go along with the rejection, he or she will be punished and ultimately rejected if he or she does not stand up against the treatment. Disordered groups with this behavior can be seen in any group of people who are in regular contact, or who have common interests. A non-disordered group welcomes new individuals with open arms, and is happy and interested to meet new faces, and respects the relationships between its members. However, a healthy group must have a large enough measure of security and ethics to stay healthy.

Relationship Confusion And Heartbreak

Cognitive dissonance can be created in our own minds when we meet someone who seems very straightforward and reliable to us, but who's actions are actually unreliable.
The impression we have of them in our minds is "Person who will keep their agreements, person who stands up for what's right, person who will treat me with true reciprocal respect, person who I can depend on who will not betray or hurt me."
So when this person does not live up to the impression we have of them in our minds, it can cause confusion, anxiety, sadness, pain, and heartbreak. If their behavior is abusive, it can cause trauma.
We expect one thing, but we are experiencing another. Like biting into an apple that tastes like a hot dog. Even if we like hot dogs, we would immediately spit out an apple that tasted like one.
There are different causes for this issue. One of them could be our own deep desire to find someone to trust, so we may pin that profile onto someone we don't know very well at all. That person may remind us for some reason of a person we trusted in our past, so we subconsciously assume they have similar personality traits, or will treat us the same way the other person did. We may simply not be very good at reading people. We may be star-struck or love-struck and ignore the person's real behavior that we would have noticed otherwise.
If we have a disorder ourselves, or just a lack of maturity, we may have unrealistic expectations of the other person that they couldn't possibly live up to, and that we ourselves could not live up to. We may feel rejected and betrayed at their normal human behavior, and even misinterpret their words, emotional expression, and actions. We may see their sadness as an expression of anger or judgment toward us, for example. We may interpret their anger as abusive rage, we may interpret their happiness as smugness, etc.
If the other person has a disorder or is very immature, they may have purposely created an impression of themselves that does not represent their real personality or intentions. Con artists do this on a regular basis. Their goal could be anything, from getting their hands on something we own, to getting us to become subservient to them. In order to get us to trust them, they create a false "Good Person" image of themselves, which is often actually an AMPLIFIED "Good Person" image; a con artist can not afford to risk us seeing through their facade, so we may actually buy into their "Good Person" image MORE than an ACTUAL Good Person, because a genuinely good person does not try to create an image, and all their "flaws" show. Many people actually fall for con-artists and reject genuinely good people for this reason.
Con artists are not the only ones who create a "Good Person" image, however. Many people grew up in cultures in which they may have been punished, picked on or ostracized if they did not learn how to create a false image of themselves to "wear" in front of others. If a child has no adults who see them for who they really are, who listens to them without shaming them or invalidating them, who disciplines them without anger or agenda, who teaches them how to stand up for themselves or for what is right,who gives them safe sanctuary, or who teaches them why ethics and values are so important, then the child may easily resort to simply mimicking what a "good person" LOOKS LIKE without having an understanding of the underlying reasons, feelings, and dynamics. Mimicking the superficial behaviors of others who are respected in the family and community can gain them acceptance and respect. However, the behavior they are mimicking is only surface behavior, like vocal tone, language, clothing, facial expression, body posturing and compliment giving, or minimal "reliable person" actions such as showing up on time, showing up at key events, or making a show of occasionally helping others. Behind the scenes, their intentions, emotions, and motives are that of the child they were who did not receive enough guidance and security from the adults in their life. (Sometimes even a strong parent is unable to provide enough guidance and security to a child, due to other people or circumstances.)
So, when our impression of a person is one thing, but their actions do not match this impression, we can experience real emotional and cognitive dissonance. We can experience sadness, heartbreak, confusion, and pain. What we can do is step back and reevaluate our impression of the person, and discover objectively (which can be very difficult for most of us) where this false impression really came from. Are our own expectations too high? Are we looking for a "Super-Good" person who would not really exist in reality? Did we simply not give ourselves enough time to get to know the person, and paint our own picture of them from our imagination? Or did this person purposely and continually try to create a false image to make us believe and trust them?

Hellooo... It's Like A Runaway Train And Everyone Just Keeps Eating Their Sammiches

Political scientist Dr. Lawrence Britt recently wrote an article about fascism ("Fascism Anyone?," Free Inquiry, Spring 2003, page 20). Studying the fascist regimes of Hitler (Germany), Mussolini (Italy), Franco (Spain), Suharto (Indonesia), and Pinochet (Chile), Dr. Britt found they all had 14 elements in common. He calls these the identifying characteristics of fascism. The excerpt is in accordance with the magazine's policy.
The 14 characteristics are:

1. Powerful and Continuing Nationalism
   Fascist regimes tend to make constant use of patriotic mottos, slogans, symbols, songs, and other paraphernalia. Flags are seen everywhere, as are flag symbols on clothing and in public displays.
   
   
2. Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights
   Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people in fascist regimes are persuaded that human rights can be ignored in certain cases because of "need." The people tend to look the other way or even approve of torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc.
   
   
3. Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause
   The people are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial , ethnic or religious minorities; liberals; communists; socialists, terrorists, etc.
   
   
4. Supremacy of the Military
   Even when there are widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding, and the domestic agenda is neglected. Soldiers and military service are glamorized.
   
   
5. Rampant Sexism
   The governments of fascist nations tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under fascist regimes, traditional gender roles are made more rigid. Opposition to abortion is high, as is homophobia and anti-gay legislation and national policy.
   
   
6. Controlled Mass Media
   Sometimes to media is directly controlled by the government, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by government regulation, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially in war time, is very common.
   
   
7. Obsession with National Security
   Fear is used as a motivational tool by the government over the masses.
   
   
8. Religion and Government are Intertwined
   Governments in fascist nations tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. Religious rhetoric and terminology is common from government leaders, even when the major tenets of the religion are diametrically opposed to the government's policies or actions.
   
   
9. Corporate Power is Protected
   The industrial and business aristocracy of a fascist nation often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite.
   
   
10. Labor Power is Suppressed
    Because the organizing power of labor is the only real threat to a fascist government, labor unions are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed .
    
    
11. Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts
    Fascist nations tend to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It is not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested. Free expression in the arts is openly attacked, and governments often refuse to fund the arts.
    
    
12. Obsession with Crime and Punishment
    Under fascist regimes, the police are given almost limitless power to enforce laws. The people are often willing to overlook police abuses and even forego civil liberties in the name of patriotism. There is often a national police force with virtually unlimited power in fascist nations.
    
    
13. Rampant Cronyism and Corruption
    Fascist regimes almost always are governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability. It is not uncommon in fascist regimes for national resources and even treasures to be appropriated or even outright stolen by government leaders.
    
    
14. Fraudulent Elections
    Sometimes elections in fascist nations are a complete sham. Other times elections are manipulated by smear campaigns against or even assassination of opposition candidates, use of legislation to control voting numbers or political district boundaries, and manipulation of the media. Fascist nations also typically use their judiciaries to manipulate or control elections.

Better Than You

Better Than YOU

Narcissists are obsessed with domination, and will go to ridiculous lengths to "prove" they are "better", "smarter", or "right". Since they lack healthy boundaries and live through others, they can only get self-worth in unhealthy ways, which means the feeling of self-worth they get is fleeting and evaporates quickly. They have to keep doing certain things to recharge and refill it. Healthy self-worth is lasting and is not easily threatened, and is built from the inside. A person with healthy self-worth does not need to "prove" him or herself as "more worthy" (better, stronger, smarter, faster...) than another. They aren't obsessed with proving themselves "right" and others "wrong", or themselves "accepted and approved by their crowd" and others as "unaccepted" or "outcasts". They don't go through life comparing themselves to others. But those who did not learn about their own boundaries, who were not taught to feel their own self-worth from the inside need to feel like they belong and are important too, so they look for other ways to get that feeling. Children who were denied this lesson of feeling worthy on the inside without judging, comparing, competing, dominating and proving, have been denied one of the most important building blocks to a happy and fulfilling life. They not only can not see their own true worth, but they can't see the innate worth of others either. They must relearn and rebuild their own ego health, and relearn how to see others from the ground up in order to find the happiness and lasting peace they crave. It can be a very difficult task when a person is surrounded by others who have narcissism traits, especially when the others react negatively to a person's changes (Narcissists live in fantasy hierarchy, so they HATE it when someone in their world changes, it ruins their character casting in their own personal movie). Rebuilding one's self-worth, and one's ability to perceive the innate worth of others, can be done if a person has the determination to find true happiness and stays on course in the face of uncomfortable change. The journey can look like a tunnel that's dark, bleak, and cold, but the light at the end is Golden.

LIBERALS STAND UP FOR RIGHTS

"Liberal":
a. Not limited to or by established, traditional, orthodox, or authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas; free from bigotry.
b. Favoring proposals for reform, open to new ideas for progress, and tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others; broad-minded.
c. Of, relating to, or characteristic of liberalism.

A REAL "Liberal" would WANT to hear what a Conservative has to say, and anyone else. REAL Liberals don't reject a person's POV or opinion BEFORE they speak, because of the body they were born in, the religion they belong to, the party they joined, or the color of their skin or hair. Not because of the money in their bank account, or the job they have or don't have, or what they have said before. A REAL Liberal PRESERVES Freedom.
REAL Liberals can listen to any Point Of View without buying into it. REAL Liberals don't follow blindly.  They also don't reject blindly. A REAL Liberal wound never vote solely because they were emotionally attached to a PERSON, or to an IDEAL, or because it made them feel good to belong to a PARTY or a CLUB.

That means that a real Liberal would STAND UP for another person's right to their religious beliefs and practices, and be AGAINST any government sanctions that took other people's rights away, or freedoms. Real Liberals are for LESS government, minimal control over people's rights, freedoms, and lives, and equal and fair treatment of all citizens, including those they don't agree with or LIKE.

A REAL Liberal woman would NOT compete with or attack another woman based in jealousy or envy. She would not compete for a man's attention with another woman to the point of pain and drama, she would not try to HURT another woman to get what she wants. She would always have the goal of PEACE and CIVILITY as her priority, as well as FREEDOM and FAIRNESS for herself and for OTHER WOMEN, even those she was jealous or resentful of. She does NOT seek power over men, and she does NOT allow men to have power over herself or other women.

A REAL Liberal man would NOT compete with or attack another man based in jealousy or envy, he does not try to DOMINATE, to gain POWER over others, or win territory over others. He DOES NOT always think he's right, he does not always think he's smarter than everyone else, he WANTS to hear and understand what OTHER PEOPLE'S points of view are, including men he disagrees with, AND WOMEN. A REAL Liberal man does NOT go along with male superiority, he sure as hell does NOT think of men as being a "certain way" and women being another, and he is not RACIST. A REAL Liberal man WANTS WOMEN to be treated LITERALLY equally, INCLUDING the women he doesn't LIKE, or women his wife is JEALOUS OF, and WOULD NOT go along with smearing, insulting, badmouthing, ostracizing, or bullying. A REAL Liberal man recognizes and stands up FOR anyone who gets treated with disrespect, and does not engage in it, he would find it DISTASTEFUL in his OWN MOUTH.

Believing that one's own point of view is the ONLY correct point of view on a topic is NOT "Liberal", rejection of other people because they have a different point of view is DEFINITELY NOT "Liberal". HATE is NEVER "LIBERAL".

Trashing people who belong to a different Political Party is DEFINITELY NOT "Liberal", Class Warfare NOT LIBERAL.

Trying to take away the right to bear arms, DEFINITELY NOT LIBERAL.

Bigotry against people who are physically different than one's self DEFINITELY NOT LIBERAL.

Trying to destroy Christianity or another belief is SO FAR FROM LIBERAL it's not even funny.

Trying to USE Christianity or any other belief to dictate who is "superior" or deserving or Godly is NOT LIBERAL EITHER.

Men who believe they're superior to women: NOT LIBERAL.

Women who believe they're superior to men: NOT LIBERAL.

Teaching AGENDAS and POLITICAL BELIEFS to CHILDREN IN SCHOOL is WAAAAYYYYY NOT LIBERAL!!!

There is a whole crew of people who are NOT LIBERAL, who label themselves as "Liberals".
The definition of "Liberal" is about preserving RIGHTS and FREEDOM for EVERYONE, ALL. That means ALL. Not just the people who are like me, or like you, or who AGREE, or who I think is "COOL" or who YOU think is "COOL".
Taking away people's rights and freedoms IS NOT LIBERAL, it's "AUTHORITARIAN" and "STATIST" and "FASCIST". (Political for CONTROL FREAK.)

FASCISM   Runaway Train

How Do You Know

Tim Kring?

135_79

Narcissism

The most obvious trait of a Narcissist is that they believe they are above self-examination.

All their problems are because of another person, usually the person who helps them the most, not who abused them.

They live in a fictional world where they have cast other people as characters who suit their ego and agenda. They do not SEE other people for who they really are, and they deny and delete anything about other people that messes up the fictional character they wrote for them.

The Narcissist is very unhappy unless he or she is the Rock Star or Movie Star in their family or group, and other people have to be "just audience members". They have to be THE star in the family or group, they can't share the stage, or the mic stand, or the voter polls, or the pulpit, or even the "Nice Person Award".

They don't help promote their other family or group members because they don't want them to get noticed or supported or recognized by the world outside. They might drop a little pat on the back or the head now and then, but that's just to keep the facade going of their own "good guy" character. They will however promote and boast about family members IF they believe they will get credit for that person's accomplishments, or if they will get something directly out of it (like money or fame by proxy). (Altruistic support is a foreign concept, and they often believe that "altruism" does not exist, OR that they are the only ones capable of it.)

They CAN'T STAND helping others, listening to others, being there for others. Their usual reaction to someone's sadness, pain, or anger is "Oh stop with the Poor Me" or "Get away from me" "Stop bothering me" "You're a loser" "All you have to do is..." "You need to get a thicker skin" "You are weak" "You deserved it".
Their exception to this is when they will receive "hero credit" for giving counsel or help, or if the person has something they want and that's the only way they'll get it, or if they are infatuated with the person and want their approval.

On the flip side of that, when a Narcissist feel sadness, pain, or anger, they feel entitled to all the sympathy in the world, regardless of how they have treated the person listening to them. No help is enough, once someone gives help to a Narcissist, they become a target of supply, and they will always "fall short" of the Narcissist's needs, no matter how much they give them. Just because a person gave help or sympathy to a Narcissist does not mean they will get any back, and in fact they will probably be treated worse than before.

They truly believe the world is a big hierarchy, and they are one of the "Top Echelon" of the humans.

They delete people as if they don't even exist.

They have no remorse or guilt for anything they do to others, and feel completely justified and entitled for anything and everything they do. Anything, and everything.

They honestly believe there are people who are "below" them, right in their own families.

If they're not judging a target for being "too lazy", they're judging that same target for being "too driven". They'll say they're "too soft", and then call the "too bitchy" in the next breath. The target is "too smart for his own good", and then "not too bright" in the next sentence. Narcissists do not use actual facts or reality when "assessing" other people.

Being considerate and caring for others is a HUGE BURDEN for them, and they become agitated, frustrated, annoyed, even enraged if someone they consider "below" them needs anything, expresses any emotion, or needs assistance or medical help.

No protest against anything they have done will go unpunished, whether that thing was huge or very small.

They do a thing called "baiting", where they will ask their target a fake question in order to get them to engage in an argument. "Are you okay" really means "I'm going to tell you that you're being a whiny baby as soon as you answer me." "What did I do wrong?" really means "I didn't do anything wrong to you! I am innocent and you are a bad, whiny bitch!" They have already made up their minds, the questions aren't real. They aren't seeking information.

They don't like whoever helps them, because that means they needed help. And if that person is supposed to be "below" them in their fantasy world, it destroys their fictional character script of that person being utterly useless, stupid, self-centered, and incapable. (Those "BELOW" them certainly wouldn't have anything the Narcissist would need).

They try constantly to convince their targets that they are, in fact, incapable, stupid, and useless. Some will actually say these things, and some will simply keep treating their target as if it was true. And they try very hard to convince anyone they can that their target is incapable, stupid, and useless as well, and a "bad person" to boot.

Targets often have to spend so much time, energy and resources dealing with the behavior, backlash, and consequences on their lives and emotional health that they can end up losing large parts of their regular lives that people normally take for granted.

Anxiety, Control, And Sanctuary

When we have Controllers in our lives, especially narcissists of varying degrees, we can forget what it's like to simply BE.

When we have another person who is watching our every move, seeking to catch any "mistake", creating drama in order to get what they want whether it's big or small, who refuse to be responsible for their own behavior, actions, and emotional health, who refuse to respect ou...r person, our resources, our possessions or our right to live in peace and freedom, who regularly invade our boundaries, make demands on us, and try to control us with shame and fear, we can forget what it's like NOT to have this in our lives.

We can end up living in constant anxiety that may at times lessen, but not actually go away. We are always on alert, always waiting for the other shoe to drop even if there was no first shoe. 


Controllers can be individuals in our personal lives, and they can also be individuals at school or work. Sometimes the atmosphere of a given group is influenced by Controllers so much that it changes the general atmosphere, like that of a company, family, school, or community.

Controllers often seek to create a constant atmosphere of tension that their targets feel all the time. This is so they are literally always on edge, even slightly, and always have the controller somewhere in their mind regarding any decision they make. Every decision they make. The controller wants to be inserted in all thought processes of the target, wants to be the person the target is thinking about at all times, on a conscious or subconscious level. All roads lead to the controller, and consideration is a one way street. Sometimes the controller's motives might simply be fear of abandonment, but the lack of peace for the target still invades their life all the same.

This constant undercurrent of anxiety can change the target's entire mental and emotional life. It can bring high level mental processing and learning to a halt. School grades can go from high honors to below passing, learning can go from interesting and exciting to difficult drudgery. Work performance can change noticeably. It can cause memory problems, forgetfulness, especially when a person has to not only remember everything they would normally remember in order to function properly, but ALSO remember everything about what the controller wants them to do, and all the consequences the controller might extol if they make a misstep that the controller notices, or call attention to themselves.

(Controllers are triggered by happy moods, positive inspiration and forward progress, not just by mistakes and negative events. An accomplishment, or an attempt at a challenge, an idea for a project, or a job being well done triggers a Controller's behavior just as quickly as any perceived flaw. )

This undercurrent of anxiety can cause a kind of mental paralysis, like a "writer's block". The target learns that anything they do at all, anything they initiate at all, will call attention to themselves and will be met with some kind of Control behavior. So many targets just STOP doing the things they would do normally. One by one, they drop their normal activities until they may find themselves a "shell of the person they used to be". For example when they can't get a haircut or even style it in the morning without hearing condescending opinions or criticisms or how they "should have" done it, or even someone trying to "re-do" it or "fix" it every day, they may simply just STOP styling their hair altogether so it doesn't draw attention and trigger the Controller. If they used to like to paint, they may just STOP painting altogether in order to avoid someone messing up their work area, or wrecking the work itself, or having their things taken or stolen or moved. They may STOP painting so they don't have to listen to constant opinions and criticism about their work, or the fact that they do it at all, or "should be spending that time" doing other things (like catering to the Controller).

It can cause a person to avoid doing anything at all that would trigger a Controller to criticize, "fix" them, take over what they are trying to do, sabotage, insert themselves, dramatize, or create more anxiety. Anything at all, like washing their car, fixing the roof, planting flowers, getting new clothes or shoes, dressing in nice clothes, practicing music, practicing sports, auditioning for a play, exercising, cooking, taking classes, getting a job, going to church, going shopping, talking to other people. Anything at all that a target does can trigger a Controller just because it calls their attention, not because the thing is "wrong" or "bad", but amazingly, Controllers (especially narcissists) can try to turn anything into something "wrong" for some reason they will be sure to find, or make up.

Controllers are triggered by anything they notice their target doing. And anything the target initiates that does not involve catering to the Controller's immediate comfort or agenda is considered "not a good thing to do". Just like a very small child who is terribly upset when Mommy needs to do something else besides pay attention to them, the Controller sees anything their target does away from their reach of control as "bad". Even if the target was going out to save a child from a burning building, the Controller would somehow try to make the target feel shame for it. (A Narcissist would do that AND try to convince everyone else that the target deserved this shame.)

Finding sanctuary, a safe place in time and space where one can simply BE, and remember what that was like. Even if they only had brief times in their childhood when they felt safe just BEING, remembering what that feels like is where one can find their sanctuary. We need to have a real place in time and space where we can just BE, and remember who we are and what we feel like when we are completely free from worry and anxiety. A place where there are neutral people who have no agenda toward us, and who have no interest in judging or criticizing us. A place that is safe and where we can hear ourselves think, without being tracked down or pulled away. A place where we can feel God's presence, in peace.

A place to remember what the love of our own soul feels like.

Who Do You Listen To? Mentors, Types, and Bias

One of the complaints many parents have is that their adolescent child will listen intently to everything their favorite teacher, coach, friend's parent, or celebrity says. But when the parent speaks, the child lets it in one ear and out the other, regardless of what the parent is actually saying. The child will rebel against the parent for saying or doing the exact same thing as what they praise their "wise" idol for.

A child in this stage of development who's father is John Lennon, the Dalai Lama, or Steven Hawking, and who's mother is Mother Theresa, Maya Angelou, or Mary of Bethlehem would STILL go through this stage of seeking someone outside of the family to "follow" and learn from, and temporarily reject and diminish their family members.

Unfortunately, some do not outgrow this stage of development. They become stuck in the land of teenage rebellion, still searching for identity with "wiser people" outside of their family of origin, and reject "wisdom" or knowledge coming from anyone close to them, even people they chose to become close to. (Unless they idolized that person already and did not reject them at some point in their youth.)

They tend to idolize certain "types" of people, generally the same types of people throughout their lives. They also tend to reject certain "types" of people, and categorize them into groups they consider inferior in some way. As a consequence, they will often blindly follow, believe, and support anyone who resembles their favored type, and blindly dismiss, reject, or oppose anything that is said by their unfavored type.

Those who are stuck in this stage can run into serious relationship problems, either platonic or romantic. When they see a New Person outside of their familiar group who they find engaging, wise, or interesting, they may desire to get to know them. If this New Person responds to friendly invitations or romantic overtures, the New Person will quickly become a Familiar Person after a short while. Since people who are seen as Wise are those who are "out in the larger world", and not close to the person, anyone who feels like family no longer qualifies as being "Wise" or "knowledgeable", and they will suddenly be expected to stop acting as if they are. They will no longer be admired, or even heard. They will often even be turned against, so the things they said and did that were "admired" before are now seen as annoying, burdensome, or self-centered. The New Person will be accused of "changing", especially if they object to being treated with unexpected rejection or disrespect. This devaluing happens more quickly when the New Person is seen subconsciously as a "type".

Those who are stuck in this rebellion/identity stage usually identify their favored "type" of person, those whom they will listen to, believe, and follow, during childhood. They  may subconsciously decide what "type" of person they will reject in that same period, or they may develop that in time based on social pressure from peers, or from the way adults around them behave.

Quick and obvious examples that are easy to figure out:

Little Samantha's basketball coach is a tall brunette woman who carries herself with high confidence and a brusque demeanor. The coach likes Samantha, so she treats her well. Samantha's natural rebellion/identity seeking stage leads her to seek a mentor, and this coach happens to be there. The coach is no Philosophy Guru, she's not even that nice, actually, but since she included Samantha in her "favorite players" and initiated a more personal relationship with her, Samantha is glad to follow her around, emulate her, and listen to her words and advice. Samantha has placed her coach as a "Wise Person To Follow".

Another adult in Samantha's life is her Uncle Larry. He does not play sports, he smokes cigars, his hair is thin and grey, and he's not tall. Uncle Larry is a very nice person, very intelligent, actually quite wise, and has had many wonderful and interesting life experiences (including being a high school basketball MVP). Samantha only knows him as Uncle Larry who is always nice but doesn't play basketball, and isn't very tall, and doesn't seem that strong or fit. Uncle Larry does not brag about his life or himself, and Samantha's family treats him with a certain amount of disrespect, "That Larry with the cigar". In reality, Larry has been there to help Samantha's father on several occasions, and is always there for others to lean on.

Compared to her coach, Uncle Larry is actually wiser, more experienced, and more helpful and generous, but because of a few simple factors, Samantha has chosen her coach as a "Mentor", and sees Uncle Larry as just her old silly uncle with the cigar who's just always there, whether she treats him well or not. In addition, Samantha sees her coach being TREATED by lots of other kids with a great deal of respect, so she believes the coach deserves that amount of respect, and she wants to be associated with her. What she sees with her uncle is people (mostly her family) treating him with a subtle lack of respect; certainly no fanfare, no high-fives in the hallway, no stories about his adventures, no articles about him in the daily newspaper. Samantha sees her coach as superior, and her uncle as not so much. Since she is a child in a natural stage of rebellion and identity seeking, she does not have all the facts about either her coach or her uncle, and even if she did, she may not be able to process them intellectually. She is trying to build her own identity in the World, and she is going by what she experiences and what she sees around her.


If there is no one to teach her or show her that there is much more to other people than what she can see on a very superficial level, if no one teaches her not to just believe anyone who resembles her coach, and not to dismiss those who resemble her uncle, she may have some rude and unnecessary wake-up calls later in life, and even suffer real consequences. She may also miss valuable experiences, relationships and connections. 

If Samantha becomes stuck in this rebellion/identity stage, she will probably KEEP her image of her coach as a "Type" of "Who To Automatically Respect and Trust", and her image of her uncle as a "Type" of "Who To Automatically Dismiss".  She may have others as well, but these will remain prominent, unless she matures past this stage.

Also, if Samantha's coach became personally unkind toward Samantha after she had chosen her as a Mentor type, (after she had decided to trust her), Samantha might decide that people who look and act like her coach are Not Trustworthy. This can be another "type" that Samantha files in her subconscious for future reference.

Physical traits, appearance, speech patterns, gender, height, weight, clothing, dialect, even hair color and style can factor into a person's "Type" of who to listen to and who to dismiss.

This can be seen quite often with children who subconsciously choose a mentor who is a coach, a teacher, a musician, a political or religious leader, or a sports star, whether they are in a personal relationship with the person or not. The gender of the mentor is often the first and foremost physical trait that a child can imprint with, even if the child is not the same gender.The opposite sex is often categorically dismissed as less capable and knowledgeable, or less interesting. Another commonly imprinted trait is height, and yet another is race. These are prominent physical traits that are quite unrelated to intelligence or capability, but because children are not yet sophisticated enough to dismiss these traits as irrelevant, they file them as legitimate and real ways to discern things about others like intellect, experience, and potential. It can be compared to using cartoon characters as templates for judging others.

Those who do mature past this stage see others as fully unique individuals, but those who do not may always believe their own assumptions about others, even when their assumptions are proven unreliable over and over again. 

(For example, a surprisingly large number of women, even women who are vocal proponents of equal rights, will listen respectfully and intently to a man speaking about most things, while ignoring, dismissing, or arguing when a woman speaks. Watch who most people listen to when someone asks for directions at a gas station; if there is a woman giving the directions, 9 times out of 10 a random man will either talk right over her, or wait until she's finished and then give his directions, even if they are exactly the same directions as she has just given. Further~ 9 times out of 10, the asker, even if female, will listen to the man, and disregard the woman. This is not about reality, there is no way for the asker to know who has the "correct" directions. It is an example of subconscious following of one TYPE of person, and dismissing another TYPE of person.)

A simple way to begin the process of growth past this stage is to be aware of our own biases.

Does it annoy me when my close friend talks about "personal growth", but when I hear someone on TV or the radio talk about the same subject, I listen and pay attention?

What am I assuming about people I know, or people I've never met?

Who do I listen to when more than one person is talking?

Who do I talk over, argue with, or interrupt?

Who am I excited to talk with, even slightly, and who am I bored with talking to?

Who do I want to like me, and who do I not really care whether they like me or not?

Who do I assume would know the answer to my questions, and who do I assume is less intelligent, or won't know the answer?

When I am annoyed at someone I don't even know, what is the real reason for my annoyance? 
Did they even really do anything severe enough to deserve it, and would I feel the same way if someone I liked said or did the same thing?

Flow

True generosity and philanthropy. Sharing talents with the world, and hoping they'll be received gracefully. Trusting in the prosperity of the universe.

Bad People and Good People, Black and White Thinking

When we have "black and white thinking", we can know someone who is consistently kind, a good friend, even who is generous and giving, but the moment we have conflict with them, we see them as "Bad". Even if they were not the initiator of the conflict or actually did anything terrible; even if we were the ones who turned a small friction into a large conflict, our "black and white thinking" will turn that "Good" person into a "Bad" person, with really very little provocation.
Swinging from seeing another person as "Good" or "Bad" is a symptom of more than one disorder, and can also be a result of abuse.
The moment the other person seems more powerful than us, or if we envy them or feel jealous, we can do this as well. To a "black and white thinker", other people are either doing what pleases us, and therefore they are "Good", or they are not doing what pleases us, and therefore they are "Bad". Memory of the person's character does not factor in, nor does memory of the entire history of the person's behavior or actions. This type of thinking will simply delete any memories that don't confirm the EMOTIONAL reaction and judgment of "Good" or "Bad".
For example, a person who has been a great friend, who has stuck by us in times of trouble or tragedy, who has shown support time and time again, will be seen suddenly as a "Bad" person the moment a conflict erupts, regardless of what the conflict is about, or how small. This person may have weathered many storms caused by the black and white thinker, but all of these are simply forgotten and dismissed the moment the black and white thinker feels upset with this person. The actual facts of the conflict are often not factored in either, for example the black and white thinker may have said something to hurt the other, and the other is simply reacting with normal objection and emotion. Or the black and white thinker may even feel angry because the other is dealing with something very painful or difficult, and therefore can not be fully available. Black and white thinkers often feel accused when another is asking for information, or asking direct questions that others would not find offensive, and this may trigger them to turn on the asker.
Whatever the circumstances, black and white thinkers do not factor in real history, only bits and pieces that back up their judgment of "Good" or "Bad". Everything else is pushed aside. They do not maintain an overall respect and good will for the other person either, so any conflict changes their entire assessment of the other person. One minute the other person is "Good", acceptable, even wonderful, and the next the other person is "Bad", and unacceptable. When a person is suddenly assessed as "Bad", all evidence to the contrary is ignored and dismissed. The black and white thinker believes their own emotional reactions as objective fact, and has no interest in reviewing or rechecking their real history or evidence. (In other words, there is no way to show them anything that would help them see a larger picture, they will just shut the conversation down. They are only interested in trying to prove that the person is indeed "Bad", or "Good".)
This black and white thinking can be clearly seen in cults and politics, when people will rationalize a cult leader as "All Good And Wonderful" regardless of what he or she is really doing, or a political leader as "Good And Benevolent" or even a "savior"; no matter what this political leader does, his followers will continue to "believe in him", and simply argue with anyone who does not agree, or who talks about anything he has done wrong. These followers will also assess his political opposition as "All Bad", and often try to degrade anything they say or do.
In friendships, family, relationships, and business, schools, and communities, this kind of black and white thinking can be very destructive, and can cause real damage in people's lives. (Becoming aware of our own tendency to think in black and white is the way to thwarting it. We can learn to think more objectively, and be not so willing to put others on pedestals, or throw them under a bus.)

Control Personalities' Personal Solar System

A person with a Control Personality sees the world and the people in it like the swirl of a solar system.

To the Control Person, people are either Suns, or planets that revolve around Suns.
The Control Person is the center, like the sun,... and everything and everyone spins around them. The Control Person is the center of their solar system, and everyone else is seen as good if they are spinning in the right direction, keeping the Control Person's world/system in order and comfortable. Or, if they are not spinning around the Control Person and keeping him or her comfortable, they are seen as bad, or alien, or enemy.
This means that anyone close enough to the Control Person, like the planets closest to the sun, has to turn and spin in a specific way, because the "sun", or the Control Person, feels the gravitational effect.
Since the Control Person sees their own self as the center of the system, he or she can be extremely sensitive to any movement of the planets, or people, spinning around him or her, and may react harshly to one of them spinning in their own direction.
The Control Person sees the people in his or her life, and the world, as members of HIS or HER system.
Just like the solar system, with the sun being its center. If a planet in our solar system went out of orbit, or began to spin in a new direction, our solar system would change. If a person in the Control Person's system decides they want to do something on their own, or different, or something away from the system, the Control Person may become very upset and try to stop them, and if they can't stop them, they may become angry because they feel betrayed, abandoned, or disrespected. They may try to punish with aggression, reputation assault, or ostracism. In other words, if a person is not orbiting the Control Person, they are considered a threat, like an asteroid.
The Control Person simply can't see the other person as a free-floating person who is not bound to someone else's system. He or she does not see their own self as free-floating either.
To the Control Person, people are either Suns, or planets that revolve around Suns.