Flag For Envy, Resentment, and Narcissism:
(It's not what you think.)
When a person talks about themselves in a positive way, like if someone mentions a subject and the person says "I do that too" or "I went to school for that" or "I used to do that for a living", or "I used to work there/go to school there", or something of that nature,
and the RESPONSE they get is:
+++
SILENCE
SUBJECT CHANGE
RIDICULE
DOUBTING
Implication that they're "making it up"
COUNTERING
+++
All of these indicate that the person responding to their "me too!" holds a fixed image of the person in their mind, and that this "something" they're saying "me too" about is thought of as "ABOVE" this person's ability, experience, and/or status.
Them: "My Uncle is a contractor, he's working on a remodel job out in Middletown right now."
Target: "Oh that's interesting, what kind of remodel job? I used to do remodeling too~"
Them: "Oh well he's been doing it for 25 years..."
Yup, the person talking was not just sharing information, they were bragging about their Uncle because they thought it would make them appear in important in some way, AND they assumed the Target was not a person who would be capable of doing such a (masculine? difficult?) job as remodeling, and so would be impressed. "I used to do remodeling too" was not in the script. Now they're annoyed because their goal, albeit very short-term, was spoiled.
Also, the fact that the Target did remodeling wrecks the whole premise of remodeling being "masculine" or "difficult", and/or it also wrecks the whole assumption that the Target was incapable.
So now... the Target Must Be Punished.. ... ... ... for ruining the bragging session... ... ... ...
When a person is bragging and you say "Me Too!" you're wrecking it!!! (whaaaa!) You're supposed to just be impressed or feel intimidated, not be all happy about finding a new colleague, peer, or kindred spirit!
It can also indicate that another Narcissist has gossiped about the target, and so when the target speaks, the target is doubted or dismissed. But either way, whether the dismissive person is acting of their own volition, or if they have bought into implications from a Gossip, this is a Flag about THEM.
Do not trust a person who treats you like a "silly child" who "exaggerates" or "makes things up" when you say positive things about yourself, especially if you know you're not a braggart.
There is a HUGE difference between the narcissistic behavior of diverting conversation and subject back to one's self, and saying "Oh me too!" when someone else makes mention of something. Like, you meet a person at a friend's house and they start talking about how their brother has Asperger's syndrome, and you say "Oh my niece has it also!" That's not diverting the discussion back to yourself, that's NORMAL HUMAN communicating.
Now if you kept cutting the person off and going on and on about your niece, instead of listening to them say what they were going to say, THAT would be diverting the conversation back to one's self. It's not even close to the same thing.
In a "healthy" conversation, it would be more like "Oh my niece has it also" and the other person would say something like "Oh no kidding." and then they would keep telling what they were telling, and you would listen and hear them talk, and then there would be discussion about dealing with it (no gossip, just information exchange about Asperger's and life with Asperger's, with luck you've found a new ally for your niece and so has the other person.)
It's easy to tell that a person was not just sharing information and talking WITH others by the way they react when someone else says "Me too".
People who are bragging either about themselves or someone they're associated with DON'T LIKE IT when someone else says "Me too".
They weren't seeking a "kindred spirit", and they weren't "sharing information", they were playing King/Queen of the Hill"
Trying to display some kind of uniqueness, specialness, something that makes them better, or "just as good", depending on the individual.
People who aren't trying to display "better than you" or "as good as you" don't feel anything negative at all when someone says "Me Too!"
(unless the person is actually a Narc and does it all the time no matter what, but that's the other side of this coin.)
No, people who are genuinely sharing INFORMATION, or just talking about something they did, they're working on, or someone else did or is working on are either slightly pleased or very pleased when someone says "Me too!" because for Non-Narcissists, kindred spirits are a positive thing. Someone who gets what I'm talking about; someone else who does this interesting or cool thing; someone else who understands.
Is it "them", or is it "me" who's being self-centered...?
Test this:
How much do they listen to you at all? What kinds of things do they listen to you about, and what kinds of things do they seem uninterested in? Time them talking, and time them listening.
What do they talk about? Whom do they talk about?
Do they seem interested in details of your projects, work, or interests? Or are they just glossing vaguely over 'how you're doing', and then dive into details about themselves and about OTHER people they know (probably who you don't know very well, or even who THEY don't know very well, or at all).
Pay attention to how much they talk about themselves and gloat about others they know, and compare it to how much time they seem to tolerate YOU referring to yourself, your life, your accomplishments, and your experience.
Narcissists will brag about OTHER people in order to "show you up", show that they're attached to IMPORTANT people doing important things, and that you're NOT... and that THEIR friends, family, and associates are more important than YOU, more talented than YOU, more intelligent than YOU, more accomplished, more educated, more famous, more wealthy, more good looking, with bigger breasts or pectoral muscles.... fuller lips... bigger ~ .. truck.... etc ad nauseum...
Narcissists will even use family members as someone to boast about, TO OTHER family members, AS IF they're not related to the target also... (selective memory...)
The point is, the intention and goal is to send the message that YOU ARE NOT VALID, YOU ARE NOT AS IMPORTANT, and THEY ARE MORE IMPORTANT,
but....
they want to do it in a way that appears to be just normal, regular conversation
(so they don't get CAUGHT, and so it seems more valid; if they get noticed it will wreck it.
So, notice it! )
(It's not what you think.)
When a person talks about themselves in a positive way, like if someone mentions a subject and the person says "I do that too" or "I went to school for that" or "I used to do that for a living", or "I used to work there/go to school there", or something of that nature,
and the RESPONSE they get is:
+++
SILENCE
SUBJECT CHANGE
RIDICULE
DOUBTING
Implication that they're "making it up"
COUNTERING
+++
All of these indicate that the person responding to their "me too!" holds a fixed image of the person in their mind, and that this "something" they're saying "me too" about is thought of as "ABOVE" this person's ability, experience, and/or status.
Them: "My Uncle is a contractor, he's working on a remodel job out in Middletown right now."
Target: "Oh that's interesting, what kind of remodel job? I used to do remodeling too~"
Them: "Oh well he's been doing it for 25 years..."
Yup, the person talking was not just sharing information, they were bragging about their Uncle because they thought it would make them appear in important in some way, AND they assumed the Target was not a person who would be capable of doing such a (masculine? difficult?) job as remodeling, and so would be impressed. "I used to do remodeling too" was not in the script. Now they're annoyed because their goal, albeit very short-term, was spoiled.
Also, the fact that the Target did remodeling wrecks the whole premise of remodeling being "masculine" or "difficult", and/or it also wrecks the whole assumption that the Target was incapable.
So now... the Target Must Be Punished.. ... ... ... for ruining the bragging session... ... ... ...
When a person is bragging and you say "Me Too!" you're wrecking it!!! (whaaaa!) You're supposed to just be impressed or feel intimidated, not be all happy about finding a new colleague, peer, or kindred spirit!
It can also indicate that another Narcissist has gossiped about the target, and so when the target speaks, the target is doubted or dismissed. But either way, whether the dismissive person is acting of their own volition, or if they have bought into implications from a Gossip, this is a Flag about THEM.
Do not trust a person who treats you like a "silly child" who "exaggerates" or "makes things up" when you say positive things about yourself, especially if you know you're not a braggart.
There is a HUGE difference between the narcissistic behavior of diverting conversation and subject back to one's self, and saying "Oh me too!" when someone else makes mention of something. Like, you meet a person at a friend's house and they start talking about how their brother has Asperger's syndrome, and you say "Oh my niece has it also!" That's not diverting the discussion back to yourself, that's NORMAL HUMAN communicating.
Now if you kept cutting the person off and going on and on about your niece, instead of listening to them say what they were going to say, THAT would be diverting the conversation back to one's self. It's not even close to the same thing.
In a "healthy" conversation, it would be more like "Oh my niece has it also" and the other person would say something like "Oh no kidding." and then they would keep telling what they were telling, and you would listen and hear them talk, and then there would be discussion about dealing with it (no gossip, just information exchange about Asperger's and life with Asperger's, with luck you've found a new ally for your niece and so has the other person.)
It's easy to tell that a person was not just sharing information and talking WITH others by the way they react when someone else says "Me too".
People who are bragging either about themselves or someone they're associated with DON'T LIKE IT when someone else says "Me too".
They weren't seeking a "kindred spirit", and they weren't "sharing information", they were playing King/Queen of the Hill"
Trying to display some kind of uniqueness, specialness, something that makes them better, or "just as good", depending on the individual.
People who aren't trying to display "better than you" or "as good as you" don't feel anything negative at all when someone says "Me Too!"
(unless the person is actually a Narc and does it all the time no matter what, but that's the other side of this coin.)
No, people who are genuinely sharing INFORMATION, or just talking about something they did, they're working on, or someone else did or is working on are either slightly pleased or very pleased when someone says "Me too!" because for Non-Narcissists, kindred spirits are a positive thing. Someone who gets what I'm talking about; someone else who does this interesting or cool thing; someone else who understands.
Is it "them", or is it "me" who's being self-centered...?
Test this:
How much do they listen to you at all? What kinds of things do they listen to you about, and what kinds of things do they seem uninterested in? Time them talking, and time them listening.
What do they talk about? Whom do they talk about?
Do they seem interested in details of your projects, work, or interests? Or are they just glossing vaguely over 'how you're doing', and then dive into details about themselves and about OTHER people they know (probably who you don't know very well, or even who THEY don't know very well, or at all).
Pay attention to how much they talk about themselves and gloat about others they know, and compare it to how much time they seem to tolerate YOU referring to yourself, your life, your accomplishments, and your experience.
Narcissists will brag about OTHER people in order to "show you up", show that they're attached to IMPORTANT people doing important things, and that you're NOT... and that THEIR friends, family, and associates are more important than YOU, more talented than YOU, more intelligent than YOU, more accomplished, more educated, more famous, more wealthy, more good looking, with bigger breasts or pectoral muscles.... fuller lips... bigger ~ .. truck.... etc ad nauseum...
Narcissists will even use family members as someone to boast about, TO OTHER family members, AS IF they're not related to the target also... (selective memory...)
The point is, the intention and goal is to send the message that YOU ARE NOT VALID, YOU ARE NOT AS IMPORTANT, and THEY ARE MORE IMPORTANT,
but....
they want to do it in a way that appears to be just normal, regular conversation
(so they don't get CAUGHT, and so it seems more valid; if they get noticed it will wreck it.
So, notice it! )
