One of the hurtles to recovery that many targets face is the desire for the other person (or people) to be accountable.
This is why detachment, objectivity, and awareness of mental and emotional illness is our "friend".
If we get stung by a hornet (as a mentally healthy adult), we don't expect the hornet to feel remorse, to admit wrong-doing, to apologize, or to make amends and try to repair the relationship. We know it's a hornet, and that's what hornets DO when they react to a possible threat. Hornets don't ask questions, they don't find out what a person's intention was, they just notice that there's movement and react to it.
We know this, so we stay away from them in the first place, and if we do get stung, we don't take it personally, or demand justice or restitution from the hornet. (The exception to this would be a person with certain mental illness who does take everything personally, including the way wild animals behave, or even the weather).
When we're able to detach ourselves more and more, and look at mental/emotional illness from an objective, non-personal point of view (including narcissism), we are better able to see it more clearly.
For example, if OUR dog becomes vicious and starts biting people, then the experience is personal, we would feel like the dog's viciousness and behavior was directly attached to us, and we would feel so much emotion about it (hopefully) that we would be hard-pressed to look at the dog and the situation in a NEUTRAL, "scientific" light. But if that SAME dog was at the Shelter, and we hadn't adopted it yet, we would be much more able to listen to the facts about the dog's past, the dog's breed, the dog's disposition, and the reasons that the dog has become "vicious". We would KNOW that the dog's viciousness was not ABOUT US, and the dog hadn't attacked us or anyone we know, so we wouldn't FEEL very much at all toward or about the dog, or the viciousness.
It wouldn't be OUR dog, it would just be a dog that happened to have some kind of aggression issue, and we would be more able to go over reasons why this stranger-dog might be vicious, without deep feelings about it.
The reasons we want to know WHY the dog is vicious are many, and are VALID.
(Controllers often try to 'invalidate' other people's reasons for seeking information and knowledge, as if there is no "real" or "good" reason for a person wanting to learn about, study, and know more about something, and as if that's their judgment to make.)
Dogs live in our communities, we're around them all the time. Also, if we want to adopt a dog, we need to know about them and their tendencies, and what to look for. Vicious dogs are no joke, they can turn on anyone and hurt them seriously. And when they do turn on a person, even if they don't cause much damage, they usually get "put down", and on top of that, the dog-owner may get sued. So if we don't take that seriously, we're being irresponsible.
We want to know WHY dogs can be vicious, so we know what we can do to prevent it (like treating a puppy properly, giving it proper healthcare, training the puppy properly, and not allowing abusive people near the puppy.)
We want to know what signs a dog might display that signal "viciousness", so we don't unknowingly approach a biting dog, provoke one, or adopt one.
We also want to know how to deal with a vicious dog when we find ourselves being threatened or attacked by one, and how to get away hopefully in one piece. (What's really the best way to deal with it? What if there's nothing around to use as a weapon? What if the dog is very large? What if there's nowhere to climb or hide? What if the dog is injured or sick?)
*(A person with certain mental illness, hostility fixation, or lack of maturity might say something like "I'd just punch it in the face" or "Just kick it" or "That's why I always carry pepper spray/a taser/a knife, etc." instead of wanting to know more information that could be useful; they have to be seen as 'the expert' and 'more knowledgeable than you' in all things, all the time. They might listen to the 'Dog Whisperer', but only because he's famous and has a title, and also possibly because he's male, or because he has a nice smile, or he's the 'right' ancestry, or not the 'wrong' one. But not really because he knows more than you do about dogs~~~ If every time you speak, the N. argues or counters you, how are they going to know how much you know about dogs? They already ASSUME that they know your level of expertise, based on nothing but the fact that you're NOT FAMOUS for it, or because of the way you look, so they have no interest in finding out how much you know.)
Another simple example of how we are more able to understand when we're "detached" and objective can be seen using the Venus Fly Trap plant. A lot of people adopt the Venus Fly Trap because they're fascinated by a "meat eating plant", and have assumptions about their plant's "motives" that they usually base on themselves and animals. So a child gets a Venus Fly Trap and "feeds" it flies or pieces of meat for a week or so, and that's cool at first, but after a while it starts to get boring because it turns out that the Fly Trap is not dangerous or voracious. It simply supplements its nutrition with protein from insects that get trapped in its "mouth". The inside of the "mouth" has trigger-hairs that signal it to close when something touches them enough, and the insect gets trapped inside and eventually dies. So, when the excitement about having a "meat-eating plant" goes away because the Fly Trap's mechanism is more clearly understood, the fascination and also any fear of getting "bitten" goes away too.
If the Venus Fly Trap DID "bite" the person's finger, it's a lot less interesting or scary when it turns out that the only reason the "mouth" closed was because those "hairs" were touched and triggered. It would have "bit" a pencil too, for the same reason. In other words, that's what they DO, regardless of WHO or WHAT is triggering those "hairs".
When we are able to view animals, plants, and other people with more objectivity, more detachment, and LESS attachment and personalization, it becomes easier FOR US to process what's going on, what's happening, and why. When we can view ourselves in more of that objective light, that helps us even further. It's something that even experienced scientists have to practice, it's not easy and no one who's normal-human can do it all the time or with everything, but practicing objectivity is tremendously helpful in the journey of recovery.
This is why detachment, objectivity, and awareness of mental and emotional illness is our "friend".
If we get stung by a hornet (as a mentally healthy adult), we don't expect the hornet to feel remorse, to admit wrong-doing, to apologize, or to make amends and try to repair the relationship. We know it's a hornet, and that's what hornets DO when they react to a possible threat. Hornets don't ask questions, they don't find out what a person's intention was, they just notice that there's movement and react to it.
We know this, so we stay away from them in the first place, and if we do get stung, we don't take it personally, or demand justice or restitution from the hornet. (The exception to this would be a person with certain mental illness who does take everything personally, including the way wild animals behave, or even the weather).
When we're able to detach ourselves more and more, and look at mental/emotional illness from an objective, non-personal point of view (including narcissism), we are better able to see it more clearly.
For example, if OUR dog becomes vicious and starts biting people, then the experience is personal, we would feel like the dog's viciousness and behavior was directly attached to us, and we would feel so much emotion about it (hopefully) that we would be hard-pressed to look at the dog and the situation in a NEUTRAL, "scientific" light. But if that SAME dog was at the Shelter, and we hadn't adopted it yet, we would be much more able to listen to the facts about the dog's past, the dog's breed, the dog's disposition, and the reasons that the dog has become "vicious". We would KNOW that the dog's viciousness was not ABOUT US, and the dog hadn't attacked us or anyone we know, so we wouldn't FEEL very much at all toward or about the dog, or the viciousness.
It wouldn't be OUR dog, it would just be a dog that happened to have some kind of aggression issue, and we would be more able to go over reasons why this stranger-dog might be vicious, without deep feelings about it.
The reasons we want to know WHY the dog is vicious are many, and are VALID.
(Controllers often try to 'invalidate' other people's reasons for seeking information and knowledge, as if there is no "real" or "good" reason for a person wanting to learn about, study, and know more about something, and as if that's their judgment to make.)
Dogs live in our communities, we're around them all the time. Also, if we want to adopt a dog, we need to know about them and their tendencies, and what to look for. Vicious dogs are no joke, they can turn on anyone and hurt them seriously. And when they do turn on a person, even if they don't cause much damage, they usually get "put down", and on top of that, the dog-owner may get sued. So if we don't take that seriously, we're being irresponsible.
We want to know WHY dogs can be vicious, so we know what we can do to prevent it (like treating a puppy properly, giving it proper healthcare, training the puppy properly, and not allowing abusive people near the puppy.)
We want to know what signs a dog might display that signal "viciousness", so we don't unknowingly approach a biting dog, provoke one, or adopt one.
We also want to know how to deal with a vicious dog when we find ourselves being threatened or attacked by one, and how to get away hopefully in one piece. (What's really the best way to deal with it? What if there's nothing around to use as a weapon? What if the dog is very large? What if there's nowhere to climb or hide? What if the dog is injured or sick?)
*(A person with certain mental illness, hostility fixation, or lack of maturity might say something like "I'd just punch it in the face" or "Just kick it" or "That's why I always carry pepper spray/a taser/a knife, etc." instead of wanting to know more information that could be useful; they have to be seen as 'the expert' and 'more knowledgeable than you' in all things, all the time. They might listen to the 'Dog Whisperer', but only because he's famous and has a title, and also possibly because he's male, or because he has a nice smile, or he's the 'right' ancestry, or not the 'wrong' one. But not really because he knows more than you do about dogs~~~ If every time you speak, the N. argues or counters you, how are they going to know how much you know about dogs? They already ASSUME that they know your level of expertise, based on nothing but the fact that you're NOT FAMOUS for it, or because of the way you look, so they have no interest in finding out how much you know.)
Another simple example of how we are more able to understand when we're "detached" and objective can be seen using the Venus Fly Trap plant. A lot of people adopt the Venus Fly Trap because they're fascinated by a "meat eating plant", and have assumptions about their plant's "motives" that they usually base on themselves and animals. So a child gets a Venus Fly Trap and "feeds" it flies or pieces of meat for a week or so, and that's cool at first, but after a while it starts to get boring because it turns out that the Fly Trap is not dangerous or voracious. It simply supplements its nutrition with protein from insects that get trapped in its "mouth". The inside of the "mouth" has trigger-hairs that signal it to close when something touches them enough, and the insect gets trapped inside and eventually dies. So, when the excitement about having a "meat-eating plant" goes away because the Fly Trap's mechanism is more clearly understood, the fascination and also any fear of getting "bitten" goes away too.
If the Venus Fly Trap DID "bite" the person's finger, it's a lot less interesting or scary when it turns out that the only reason the "mouth" closed was because those "hairs" were touched and triggered. It would have "bit" a pencil too, for the same reason. In other words, that's what they DO, regardless of WHO or WHAT is triggering those "hairs".
When we are able to view animals, plants, and other people with more objectivity, more detachment, and LESS attachment and personalization, it becomes easier FOR US to process what's going on, what's happening, and why. When we can view ourselves in more of that objective light, that helps us even further. It's something that even experienced scientists have to practice, it's not easy and no one who's normal-human can do it all the time or with everything, but practicing objectivity is tremendously helpful in the journey of recovery.
