Narc. abuse training includes believing what someone SAYS, and ignoring what they DO.
"Do as I say, not as I do" is an aspect of this training. It's been going on for a very long time in the human species.
So when someone tells you they love you, care about you, has your back, respects you, has your best interest and well-being in mind, you (I, we) want to believe it, so we do.
When they don't show up, make promises and change them, avoid talking about anything directly, or when they counter, invalidate, insult, triangulate, or generally treat you like they couldn't care much less about you if they tried, or like they don't like you (me, us), you (I, we) rationalize their actions and try to make them into something that they're not, or make excuses for them so we don't have to accept the truth that's staring us right in the face.
"Maybe he or she is busy... preoccupied... depressed.. anxious...afraid of commitment...emotionally wounded...intimidated...stress
or "Maybe I'm being too forward...
too straightforward...intense...ne
Reality is, however, that when we connect with someone in a genuine way, the connection is mutual. They don't invade our boundaries, put us down, abuse us, or blow us off anymore than we do that to them. They wouldn't lie about their feelings, they wouldn't try to avoid us, they wouldn't triangulate with other people against us, and they would be mutually supportive.
That's what a REAL connection looks like. You wouldn't have to chase them around to spend time with you, do things with you, talk to you, treat you with normal respect and consideration, or protect yourself from their invalidation, criticism, put-downs, or control.
If they're treating you like they don't really like you, take it at face value. They probably don't.
Why not? Who cares. They probably don't like chocolate or kittens or shooting stars or salamanders or games or boats or hugs or Carol Burnett or Christmas snow or Looney Tunes or S'Mores or fire flies either.
"Do as I say, not as I do" is an aspect of this training. It's been going on for a very long time in the human species.
So when someone tells you they love you, care about you, has your back, respects you, has your best interest and well-being in mind, you (I, we) want to believe it, so we do.
When they don't show up, make promises and change them, avoid talking about anything directly, or when they counter, invalidate, insult, triangulate, or generally treat you like they couldn't care much less about you if they tried, or like they don't like you (me, us), you (I, we) rationalize their actions and try to make them into something that they're not, or make excuses for them so we don't have to accept the truth that's staring us right in the face.
"Maybe he or she is busy... preoccupied... depressed.. anxious...afraid of commitment...emotionally wounded...intimidated...stress
or "Maybe I'm being too forward...
too straightforward...intense...ne
Reality is, however, that when we connect with someone in a genuine way, the connection is mutual. They don't invade our boundaries, put us down, abuse us, or blow us off anymore than we do that to them. They wouldn't lie about their feelings, they wouldn't try to avoid us, they wouldn't triangulate with other people against us, and they would be mutually supportive.
That's what a REAL connection looks like. You wouldn't have to chase them around to spend time with you, do things with you, talk to you, treat you with normal respect and consideration, or protect yourself from their invalidation, criticism, put-downs, or control.
If they're treating you like they don't really like you, take it at face value. They probably don't.
Why not? Who cares. They probably don't like chocolate or kittens or shooting stars or salamanders or games or boats or hugs or Carol Burnett or Christmas snow or Looney Tunes or S'Mores or fire flies either.
