Recovery From Trauma And Difficulty Connecting With People

Making connections with people when one has PTSD from abuse or trauma can be very difficult, because of some basic reasons:
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Difficulty in finding those who can relate, who have similar experiences.

Difficulty in finding those who have similar experiences who are emotionally and mentally healthy enough to build and maintain a mutually respectful, beneficial connection.

Difficulty in being emotionally healthy enough to maintain or build a mutually respectful, beneficial connection with a person whom one can relate to, because of coping behavior habits, distrust, effects from trauma, social anxiety, etc.

Difficulty in trusting one's own judgment regarding other people and their motives, and therefore avoiding connections and interactions.

Still having connections with those who have Narcissism issues, who do various blatant or SUBTLE things to isolate a person, or to block or sabotage other relationships.

Still having connections with those who have Narcissism issues, who do or say things to trigger one's own isolation behaviors, or to negatively influence one's self-image and self-confidence.

Sometimes being in a dissociative state where one forgets one thing because they're trying to remember or work on another. So for example when concentrating on the new job, simply not staying in contact with others, forgetting to maintain the connections.

Not being compelled to reach out, interact with, and connect with others, in the way that those who don't have PTSD from trauma or abuse often are.

Being very aware of how manipulative or aggressive so many humans can be, and therefore not blindly trusting people like most non-abuse-targets or non-trauma survivors tend to do.

Because of awareness and lack of trust, NOT giving "I trust you" and "come on in" social signals; many people, especially the less mature, will interpret this as unfriendliness; Narcissists will often interpret it as arrogance, "coldness", or rejection (they take it as a personal affront, of course).

Because of awareness and lack of trust or just having a polite or mature demeanor, NOT acting overtly friendly, attention-seeking, loud, or flirtatious. The immature often interpret this as "shyness", "low self-esteem", and Narcissists often interpret it as the previous two but also as being intimidated by their greatness or their physical strength, and as a lack of intelligence or capability.

Being aware that one may still be a target for con artists, or a target for other Narcissists for various reasons such as envy, ego threat, physical attractiveness, success, wealth, appearance, race, or an appearance of being an easy mark. One may find one's self in connection with yet another one, or in a dysfunctional group, and so again having to extricate one's self, and then heal and recover from it; it can become an exhausting process when it keeps repeating. (The upside of this is that the more it happens, the more practice one can get in dealing with others, and the more confident and efficient one will become with it.) 

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Not having many (or any) positive or even neutral connections that are solid and safe with other people is NOT UNCOMMON for those who are recovering from Narcissistic abuse or other trauma, nor for those who are still connected to or living with someone who is controlling, abusive, or has Narcissism.
One DOES NEED TO be careful about who one connects with, and at the same time one may have trouble dealing with normal human behaviors and speech from trustworthy people.
Recovery can and will help a person to heal their boundaries and remember or relearn how to make healthy connections, and how to discern when it's actually appropriate (and not solely reactive) to distance one's self from a person.

Separating Feelings From The External World (Narcissists Often Can't)

The thing about people who have various forms of Narcissism is that no one close to them is tolerated to have any kind of emotions that don't make the N. person feel good, happy, cared for, safe, praised, or powerful. This is where a lot of the "eggshell walking" comes from.

("BPD". PTSD and other boundary issues can share this problem, but not for exactly the same reasons; the person with Narcissism will reject, discard, and turn on others for this, while BPD and PTSD usually simply feel affected or controlled and may become upset, even defensive, but won't viciously discard the person or "retaliate".)

Normal communicative exchange is literally not possible, because you might insert some kind of emotional expression into your speech that cause them serious discomfort, or triggers them to feel defensive, or to retreat, withdraw, rage, or discard you. Or you might express that you like someone or something that the N. is envious, jealous, or afraid of, or you might express positive energy, optimism, excitement, or joy about something or someone.

Their own emotions, feelings, are what they're reacting to, just like every other human being. The difference is that people with Narcissism issues think that all of their feelings are representative of actual reality. They don't identify what they FEEL as their own internal reactions and perceptions; they think that the external world was the SOURCE of their feelings.

So if they felt fear when they looked at the spider, the spider to them is CAUSING them to be afraid, it's the SPIDER, not their own brain function.

If they find another person physically attractive, it's the PERSON DOING IT, they are MAKING themselves "be" attractive, they are CAUSING the feelings, like you would "cause" a cart to move by pushing it.

They are very likely to assume that EVERYONE finds the person attractive in exactly the same way as they do, because they don't know that it's THEIR OWN brain that's causing their feelings.

So if YOU make some kind of noise that sounds like frustration or annoyance, and they feel a twinge of something when they hear your noise, they won't see each thing as a separate thing (your noise, what your real reason for the noise was, your feelings being just as valid as theirs, and their assumptions about your noise and your feelings, and their emotional reaction to the noise.)
You made the noise therefore you CAUSED THEM to FEEL the twinge (of whatever feeling they had in reaction to it). Therefore you're DOING IT TO THEM, and BEING "CONTROLLING" or "PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE" TOWARD THEM.
~~~
People who interpret everything another person says, does, and expresses as having a hidden agenda or covert meaning likely have some form of paranoia, and may be projecting someone else's behaviors from their past onto a new person. Obviously not getting treatment for this will probably destroy a relationship.

They may also be revealing that THEY have hidden agendas and meanings behind everything THEY do and say, and they're projecting their behaviors and motives onto the other person.

Where Scapegoats Come From

When a person gets targeted for scapegoating in their family, group, or community, it only really works if the scapegoating is instigated by a person who others either FOLLOW, FAVOR, or believe to be above reproach (which of course can't be real if they're a human.).

Scapegoating so-and-so becomes part of the culture of the family, group, or community when there are more people who go along with it than who stand up against it.

People "learn" who the leader is in a group by other people's behavior. They also learn who is expected to do what, how the group collectively views and labels each person (usually having little to do with reality), AND who "everyone" treats poorly as a regular thing. 

~~~ No one talks to Jerry, so I'm not going to talk to him either... he's weird... even though I know not a shred of information about him. I'm just going to go along with the crowd without question, because I want to be accepted by them. He looks pretty normal to me, but since he seems to accept the way people treat him, he must AGREE that he should be treated as not really a real member of the group, so I'm going to do that too.

~~~ Everyone speaks respectfully to Robert, and treats him as if he's the Leader and that he knows what he's doing, so I'm just going to go along with it without getting to actually know him at all as a person. He LOOKS like a Leader type... so I'll just assume that he's good at it, and just do whatever he says. If he says or does anything that seems immature, mean, or incorrect, I'm going to pretend I didn't notice it, because that's what everyone else does.

(Dysfunctional groups either fully support their Leader as if the person is "perfect", OR they discard, EJECT, the Leader as if the person is "terrible"; the black and white thinking does not allow for a Leader to be a real person who's sometimes right and sometimes wrong, or who needs the help of others, or who doesn't LOOK or TALK like they want a "Leader Type" person to.).

~~~ Everyone talks about Elizabeth like she is very responsible and a take-charge person, so it must be true, I'll assume that it's true and will just go along with her being in charge of all kinds of things without getting to know her at all, or reviewing anything that she actually does.
She looks and acts like a responsible person, so it must be true.

~~~ Everyone treats Melissa like she's annoying, so I'm going to as well, even though I know nothing about her, and have taken no time or effort to connect with her or get to know about her. Everyone says she's "this" and "that" when she's not present, so I'm just going to go along with them. I did notice that she has rather large breasts, and pretty eyes, so she must be either stuck-up, promiscuous, or an airhead.. at least that's what I want to believe, because I envy her looks, and would rather tear her down than be supportive of her. 

The dynamic doesn't just occur out of the clear blue sky, it builds and builds over time, starting with a specific event or situation.

Often the scapegoat is easily singled out in the group, they're "different" than the others in some way, which is one of the reasons why the others go along with it instead of stopping it.

Only people with bully and control issues initiate the dynamic, but the insecure, envious, non-self-aware, or others with bully issues tend to follow along very quickly.

An original event that may culminate in a Controller scapegoating another member of the group usually involves the Controller doing something TO the person that's unkind, unfair, or abusive.
Then the Controller gets worried that they're going to be seen to be unfair or abusive toward the person.
They may have treated the person poorly, or they may have not stopped someone else from doing it.

Either way, the Controller begins to target the individual in order to intimidate them, upset them, distract them, and sabotage their confidence or their actual projects, work, and tasks. At the same time they start a TREND in the group of targeting the person as "Someone We Don't Respect", or  "Someone We Don't Want Around".

Amazingly, the majority of people will follow along and not raise one question about it. When the target protests or expresses any emotion about the poor treatment, the group is already primed to reject and invalidate whatever the person says.

The reasons that a person might treat a person poorly in the first place depend on the Controller or bully's own inner emotional or psychological issues. They might pick on a person who's chronically ill, or who they're intimidated by physically. They might pick on a person who they envy, or who they believe is inferior to themselves. They may pick on a person because their physical appearance is different than their own, or different from the larger group.
A person whom an envier thinks is "beautiful" will often get targeted in the same vicious way as a target who a bully sees as "unattractive".

It solely depends on the issues of the person doing the targeting.

A common reason other than those listed above is when a person STANDS UP FOR someone who is being targeted for scapegoating or abuse. When this happens, the person who is standing up against the unfair or abusive treatment often gets targeted far WORSE than the original target, because he or she threw a wrench in the dynamic and also pointed out that a Bully or Controller was doing something "wrong", which they typically can't tolerate. So the person who stands up in the group against unfairness or abuse often becomes the NEW "Black Sheep", replacing the former.

It's also important to note that once the "cultural norm" of scapegoating an individual has been established, those in the group who participate will rarely be swayed to change the way they treat or view the person, no matter what happens, no matter what they find out, and no matter what the targeted person does or has done in reality. The scapegoating is not based in reality anyway, so reality does nothing to change it.

About The Fad Of "Tough-Love"

For God's sake put away that stupid "tough love" book, most people have no idea what it means or when it's appropriate, or why, or how. "LOVE" means you care about the person, as in CARE about the person, as in CARE.

Um... criticizing a person, bossing them around, judging them, shaming them, chastising or threatening them, or putting them on the street when they're struggling or too young to take care of themselves is not "helping" or "being supportive", and no, it's not being "real" or "being a good friend". It's just control freak bully behavior, shaking a finger at someone makes a lot of people feel important.

The Choice Is Yours To Bully Or Not To Bully

Scapegoats are often the one who has already been targeted by abuse and neglect, but they are also often the one who has stood up for the original Scapegoat.
In many dysfunctional groups where Narcissism is present, the person who stands up for a target of abuse or slander will actually be targeted MORE than the original target, with increased contempt, and with increased effort in rallying "support" in targeting and rejecting the person.
In many of these groups, the original Scapegoat will often jump on board, going along with targeting the very person who stood up for them. They see it as an opportunity to get acceptance from the group that they didn't have before.
This dynamic is becoming more and more common in humans, unfortunately, and the effects can be seen quite clearly in the deteriorating society.
Beware, those who stand up for others, or for themselves~ you're an increasingly rare breed, and the likelihood of being targeted more than ever for it is higher and higher, because there are more and more people who are jumping on the scapegoating/bullying wagon in order to avoid rejection from the increasingly dysfunctional group.
The effect is exponential; the more bullies there are, the more bullies there are, and therefore the less anti-bullies there are. The less people there are who will stand up against it, due to fear of rejection.
Without those who have the courage to stand up against bullying, disrespect, gossip, abuse and betrayal in their own family, friendship groups and communities, the society will simply regress into a barbaric state and will lose its sense of civility. Eventually the entire culture becomes one big horror show, as has been seen over and over throughout human history.
It's YOUR CHOICE, and MY CHOICE, to be one of the people who stand up for others (and for oneself), who are supportive of those who have been or who are being betrayed, abused, targeted, manipulated, and slandered, or to be one of the people who do nothing, and who go along with it and allow it.

On The Apparently Growing Narcissism Epidemic

"We must teach empathy early on to our children.
Empathy doesn't come naturally anymore like in the old days, it seems. Society is highly decadent in manners and morals, unfortunately. Maybe if we raise awareness of the problem, talk more about it in the media, pass a law to include the study of Empathy in the school curriculum....maybe....with more brain research ...maybe....with cognitive techniques...conflict resolution skills thought in pre wedding and pre parenting classes which should be mandatory....maybe these beasts would be tamed....to start with....Am I being realistic?!!
(On the other hand....mass exorcism might be the order of the day....! ! ! Seriously!)
I also noticed that the word has being applied more and more to define this political Administration's pattern of behavior: twisting the facts, projecting their own faults, blaming others, not taking personal responsibilities, lying, false promises, arrogance, betrayal, self serving, delusional, double standard and on....and on...and on...as we all know.
The coming campaign will be very enlightening to those that have ears to hear....! Theme of the moment: character disorder, manipulative behavior."

Anonymous writer regarding the apparently increasing epidemic of Narcissism

Always Happy, Or Always Depressed, Same Cause For Narcissists

Narcissists are usually either always happy, or always unhappy and depressed.
The reason is basically because Narcissists are happy ONLY when they're getting the SUPPLY that they want.

So if Narcissist A's SUPPLY is easy for them to get for whatever reason, they're a "HAPPY PERSON".
If Narcissist B's SUPPLY is hard for them to get, then they're going to be moody and depressed.

Let's say both Narc. A and Narc. B's SUPPLY is sexual attention and praise from other people (You're so hot...you're so beautiful... Hi there gorgeous...Wow who's that...I'd like to take you home...Hello there...) etc., etc.~

Narc. A retains their looks over the years, keeps looking young and attractive, and keeps receiving positive attention and praise from others.

Narc. B suffers some kind of health problem or injury and along with age, loses their once "gorgeous" looks, and therefore no longer receives the steady stream of positive attention and praise.

Narc. A is getting the supply, and is therefore "Happy".

Narc. B is not getting the very same supply, and is therefore "Depressed".

Nothing else in their lives matters. They won't care about other people whether they're HAPPY or DEPRESSED, although those who are DEPRESSED will often try to hang on to anyone who does give them praise, but that's not the same as "caring" about them, they just found a potential Supplier in a well that's apparently dry.
Those who are always HAPPY will simply discard, reject, or hurt whoever is not giving them enough Supply, including their own kin, and look for someone else to give it to them.

In societies that have a high amount of Narcissism, many people WILL  often treat those who they find physically attractive with positive attention, and will treat those who they DON'T find physically attractive like crap. They'll also treat those they envy (because they're "good-looking") like crap. So the destructive social dynamic becomes a "real" thing, albeit created by the very "thing" itself, spurring more and more people to seek positive attention via their appearance, and buying into the destructive cycle.  

Concept Of Relationship Foreign To Narcissists

Those who are immature or who have Narcissism don't get the concept of "relationship". They tend to think that they're entitled to any of the relationships they have, and to ownership over other people. That's one of the main reasons they don't want to do any "work" on relationships or on themselves, and why they get so upset when anyone suggests it.
Typically they get upset just talking about something that happened or something they did, and will try to divert or end the discussion.
They think that knowing someone IS all that a "relationship" requires, unless of course they want the OTHER person to change... but themselves? No way, they're already perfect, the other person is the one who needs to make any and all changes, not them.
A person with Narcissism might make little changes over time, just because it's natural for a human to change somewhat as they age and as they experience different things. But they're probably not going to ever understand the concept of a mutual relationship.

Making It To The Top

There's a very big difference between being carried to the top of the mountain by someone's helicopter and climbing it on foot. There's also a very big difference between climbing the mountain with full equipment, support, and companionship, and climbing it alone, or without expensive equipment or supplies. And there's yet another very big difference between climbing the mountain to the top in calm weather, and climbing it during a storm, during winter cold, or during an avalanche.

Just because one person made it to the top of the mountain doesn't mean they had to work nearly as hard as someone else to get there. Some people have lots and lots of help from others, and some have to fight obstacles that others don't have, and still others have to climb through obstacles all alone.
Just because one person doesn't get to the top doesn't mean they don't have the ability, nor does it mean that the top was even their goal.

Each person has a unique climb that's different from anyone else's, and the peak is not the ultimate goal, or the only place to be. To judge a person by how high they've climbed up the mountain simply shows a lack of understanding life.

Note To Counselors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists

Having a degree or even a job does not mean that one is an automatic expert at diagnosing or assessing patients, or at treating them. If I think of you as a lesser person than myself, I am not going to diagnose or treat you properly. Same if I don't like you, am bored by you, or judge you. If I'm not interested in observing the way other individuals treat you either in your family or in general, or if I judge your family member to be more worthy or respect-deserving than you, again I am not going to treat or diagnose you properly. If I judge your whole family to be some kind of lesser class of people, there's no way I'll treat or diagnose you properly. If I consider myself a world class expert, I am probably going to overlook my own bias and weakness and fail to diagnose or treat you properly. If I harbor class, race, sex, or age bias, I'm definitely not going to treat you properly. My norm is probably NOT your norm, but if I think it is, if I believe I am the picture of "normalcy", then no, I am not going to diagnose or treat you properly.

Too many difficulties? Too many hurtles? Too bad. That's how it works. Psychology professionals used to have a better grasp on why objectivity and absence of bias is so important, now there are too many who seem to consider themselves superior to their patients, or just superior in general.

The following is an article on comorbidity of AS and Bipolar, but it goes into detail about diagnostic issues and validity. Why is it relevant? Because it's become commonplace for psych. professionals to do very little observation or use objectivity when assessing or treating a patient, because there are no consequences for mistakes for them (only disasterous ones for patients and clients). This article goes into some detail regarding diagnosing and assessment that can and should be applied to any patient.

Introduction

Despite its increasing popularity as a distinct condition (included in the ICD-10 in 1993 and in the DSM-IV in 1994), the nosological status of Asperger's syndrome (AS) and its diagnostic validity remains uncertain. An astonishing 556% increase in pediatric prevalence of pervasive developmental disorders (PDD) has been reported between 1991 and 1997 [1]. This jump is probably due to heightened awareness and changing diagnostic criteria rather than to new environmental influences.

Both AS and autism persist into adulthood, but their phenotypic expression varies with age. AS may also be unrecognized in adulthood, although usually not forever. Some individuals with AS live almost normally and show good adaptation, while many can hardly cope and need supervision. Some cases are referred to psychiatric services for adults because of concurrent mental disorders or behavioral derangement, especially aggression and self-injury, rather than specific symptoms of AS. In these circumstances, the AS diagnosis is often overlooked. Since these cases appear odd and atypical in comparison with patients commonly observed in the adult psychiatric setting, they often receive several diagnoses in the course of time. The awareness of the AS diagnosis has been considered contingent on certain key professionals, who are interested in the area [2]. However, even when the correct diagnosis of AS or other PDD is made, it should not be considered necessarily exhaustive. It is of importance also to recognize comorbid psychiatric disorders, especially if successfully treatable.

Comorbid psychiatric conditions are frequent in patients with PDD. Patients with AS often present eccentricities, emotional lability, impairments in social functioning, anxiety and obsessive traits, demoralization, suicidal ideation, tempers, coldness, defiance, motor and phonic tics, repetitive behaviors, and stereotypies, that can mimic other mental illnesses [3]. The differential diagnosis with true comorbidity of schizophrenia, BD or anxiety disorders is not always easy. Children with PDD have a two-to-six-times greater risk of experiencing comorbid psychiatric conditions than their normal peers [4-6]. Awareness of the problem is increasing but available evidence on the topic is scanty. Psychiatric comorbidity of AS has been often cited but not well examined. There are very few systematic studies on psychiatric comorbidity in PDD [7-10], and only one in AS [11]. Clinicians treating children report a high comorbidity with Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Oppositional defiant disorder, Depressive disorders, and Bipolar disorder [7].

Data on BD and AS comorbidity are inconsistent. McElroy [12] emphasizes that bipolarity is a marker for comorbidity, and comorbid disorders, especially multiple conditions occurring when a patient is young, may be a marker for bipolarity. However, most studies [7-9,11], evidence Unipolar depression as the most common mood disorder in patients with PDD, while only one report by Munesue et al [10] suggests that BD might be the most frequent. Several factors could account for this discrepancy.

First, as discussed by Frazier et al [13], it is difficult to ascertain the rate of comorbidity between AS and BD since the diagnosis of AS is currently used rather indiscriminately, referring to a heterogeneous group [14], and the actual incidence of pediatric BD is probably underestimated until the definition of bipolarity in children is more fully agreed upon. Second, BD often begins in childhood or early adolescence with the clinical features of unipolar depression, acute psychosis, or comorbid disorder (e.g., ADHD, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic attack, or eating disorder), while manic symptoms appear later. As a consequence, the rate of bipolar diagnosis, can increase with the mean age of studied population. Third, the current classification of mood disorders has poor reliability and validity. According to DSM-IV-TR, the differential diagnosis between unipolar depression and BD II should be based on the lifetime presence of four days of hypomania. Information on mild symptoms overlapping with manifestations of well-being is subject to recall bias, unreliable evaluation, misinterpretation, incoherence. Furthermore, the source of information (patient, relatives, social institutions) can suggest different conclusions. Widening or narrowing the criteria for the definition of hypomania modifies substantially the ratio between unipolar and bipolar II depression [15].

Notwithstanding such gray area, growing evidence suggests that PDD and BD frequently co-occur. Unfortunately, most studies do not explicit the number of cases with AS since they predate DSM-IV [16-18]. In a clinical sample of 727 children, 52 met criteria for PDD, 114 met criteria for mania, and 14 of 52 children with PDD met criteria also for BD (2% of all referrals, 12% of children with BD, and 27% of children with PDD) [19]. In a consecutive series of adult patients referred with a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, 7% had BD [20]. Autism spectrum disorder, BD and Tourette syndrome were found to co-occur at a greater than chance expectation in the study of Kerbeshian & Burd [21].

Also family data suggest an etiological link between AS and BD. DeLong and Dwyer [22] found that relatives of probands with PDD had a 4.2% prevalence of BD and that the prevalence was highest among relatives of probands with AS (6.1% versus 3.3% for relatives of probands with autism). Gillberg & Gillberg [23] found that 4 (17%) of 23 patients with AS and 3 (13%) of 23 patients with autism had a family history of affective disorder. Comparing children affected by autistic spectrum disorders with and without identifiable neurological disorder that could account for their autism, DeLong and Nohria [24] found that the latter had a higher rate of family history of affective disorder. On the contrary, Piven et al [25] found that major depression, but not BD, had higher lifetime prevalence in the parents of autistic probands in comparison with the general population.

Interestingly, a family history of BD may influence the phenomenology of patients with PDD. In subjects with autism spectrum disorder and a family history of BD, many features of childhood BD have been observed, including affective extremes, cyclicity, obsessive traits, neuro-vegetative disturbances, special abilities, and regression after initial normal development. On the other hand, subjects with autism spectrum disorder and without a family history of BD showed less florid agitation, fearfulness, and aggression, and were of lower functioning [26].

In a previous series of patients, we described common clinical features of patients with AS in the emergency psychiatric setting and discussed the differential diagnosis with psychotic disorders [27]. Here, we present three subjects affected by AS and concomitant bipolar spectrum disorders that outline some clinical features of these patients and discuss some troublesome and complex problems of their management.

Your Date Or Partner Seems Bored With You? Red Flag

Pay attention to how others react to you when you speak, when you enter a room, when you're in a room together, or when you're in a group. Different levels of friendship, loyalty, care, respect, and the lack thereof can be observed by the way others behave. They're not your real friend just because they say they are, or because they smile at you, or because they compliment you sometimes, or because they spoke to you for five or ten minutes and made eye contact. They're not even your friend just because they've invited you out a few times, or because there's "chemistry". Pay attention to the way they TREAT you, when you're alone with them and when there are others present, and when you're separated by distance. Do they seem bored easily with you? Are they way more "animated" and joyful when someone else enters the room, but with you it's just bleh? Or are you the person they seem happy to see, but for longer than the first fifteen minutes?

Lots of people have Narcissism issues without being full-blown NPD's, and will use others for companionship just so they're not alone. They can be bored out of their minds with a person, or not really like a person much, but just don't want to be by themselves, or want the person for something about them.

A lot of people do this with a person whom they're physically attracted to, but don't really LIKE or respect as a human being or as a friend. They'll keep trying to get the person to believe they like and respect them so they won't find someone else.
A real "relationship" is with someone who's an actual friend, which means the same as it does with any other friend. We don't hang out with people we don't really like or respect as platonic friends, or those we have nothing in common with and can't make a connection. It's no different with romantic relationships, if the person is ONLY attractive to another person in a physical sense, then pretending to "like" and "respect" them is nothing more than using them, just like using a person for their money.

Family is different, we may or may not "like" and want to hang out with certain family members much, but we treat them with respect and courtesy, and have a bond with them regardless. We can and should be able to be in the same house with them for hours, each doing different things. We were born into a family, we didn't CHOOSE to create a friendship or relationship with them. The way we treat one another in a family either makes or breaks it, but we didn't pick the individuals who are in it, nor did we ask to be invited.

But with friendships and partners, we are making a CHOICE, we aren't born into the relationship, it's not preexisting or predestined. We make friendships and partnerships because we have things in common that we enjoy and are interested in, shared humor, shared activities, etc. So if those things are not there, if "hanging out" is more like sitting with a family member who we don't have anything in common with, who we're being polite with but who doesn't really want to do anything with us or talk like good friends do, then there's something going on that doesn't add up. If the relationship is false, then if this is brought up, the other person will typically become defensive and even hostile. A real friend (platonic or romantic) would simply be concerned, not defensive or hostile, and want to figure out how to make it "good" again.

Quit Your Whining Victim Mentality

Narcissists, bullies, and abusers are always annoyed and dismissive toward those who stand up for targets of abuse and manipulation.

Stop Trusting Narcissistic People

Stop trusting people who act like they're bored by you, annoyed with you, or don't respect you, and stop trying to get their approval, their acceptance, or their love. You'll be amazed at how much happier and more confident you'll feel, and how much more you can accomplish, and how much more rested you'll feel.

Arguments And "Winning"

When you don't have the same point of view as someone else, it doesn't mean they want to "argue" or "win" or convince you that they're "right".
Everything is not about winning and losing, everything is not a competition.
You can BOTH be right, or you can BOTH be wrong, or one of you can be right and one can be wrong, WHO CARES?
What's important is the actual information or solution, not WHO is "right". 
If that's the most important thing, then the solution will probably never be found, and the relationship with the person will probably just get ground up.

Narcissism is...

People who have Narcissism:

have expectations about everything and everyone, most of the time, which are much higher for others than they are for themselves, with the exception of specific goals they want to achieve.

believe that the world is THEIR "oyster", and only a certain elite few also get to share that privilege. But they see most of the people they know as existing in "supporting roles", characters in their play or a fellow Elite Person's play, not as having the same kind rights or deserving of the same "privileges" as themselves.

are trapped in various childhood developmental stages, having internalized them and solidified them in their personality (often because they felt good) instead of maturing past them.

usually see people as living in a Hierarchy, with various levels of "natural Status", often in the shape of a pyramid. So there are few at the very top who are superior humans with entitlement to authority and some kind of "natural power". With each descending level people have less and less "deserved status", and less and less entitlement to power or control, all the way to the bottom.

tend to believe that they can assess what "level" a person belongs to (in their mind) by looking at them or hearing them speak.

tend to like for others near them to be on lower status levels (in their minds) than themselves, so they can feel "above" them, and therefore feel entitled to control, recognition, service, extra respect, and extra leeway.

do not have much of an "inner life"; when they're relaxing, they're not meditating or pondering, they're mostly just "blank": no thoughts, no observation of their own thoughts or feelings, no reviewing their day or their interactions with others, no contemplating or appreciating the beauty of the world around them. Relaxation means "nothingness".

like to control others by instigating and provoking various emotions.

like to control situations and people by triangulating, provoking, and orchestrating the movements, thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and relationships between others.

like to control specifically targeted people with lies, threats, gaslighting, verbal or physical abuse, sabotage, manipulation, and slander.

will throw any person at all "under a bus", including their own child, to avoid consequences for themselves or to gain something.

will cross the country or the ocean for a personal gain, but won't cross the street to help someone (unless there's a gain in it). 

believe that any and all of their achievements, plans, and problems are more important and more valid than any and all of the achievements, plans, or problems of others.

react on a regular basis with envy and resentment toward others.

react to other people's hardship or emotional pain or frustration with defensiveness.

only seek connection with many of the people in their lives when they're bored or lonely, but otherwise treat those same people like they're "bothering them" when they're not bored or lonely.

need to be right and righteous, 100% of the time.

Don't Compromise Yourself To Fit In

Those with high ethical standards and integrity are always unpopular with those who don't share their values. Keep doing what you know is right even when it seems like the whole world is turning their back on you. Don't compromise yourself to gain their acceptance.

Remember that humans form groups based on common behaviors and motivations, so groups who drink heavily don't want non-drinkers around.
Groups who use drugs don't want non-drug-users around. Groups who make their living off corruption or crime don't want straight-laced people around.
Those who are seeking adulation or power don't like people who don't play along and give them extra special attention and praise, or bow down to them.
Groups who want to be seen as Good, or Important, Enlightened, or Attractive don't like those who don't participate in image-grooming.
And those who get a charge out of gossip, bullying, or manipulation don't like those who are straightforward, honest, strong, and who stand up for others or for themselves.

If you refuse to play their game, they're not going to want you around, and they're certainly not going to invite you to the party.
But if they did invite you, would you really want to go?

No Straight Answers: Superiority Complexes And Bad Communication, Lame Teaching, Bad Client and Customer Service

There are several reasons why it can be so difficult to communicate with those who deem themselves "superior", and others "inferior". The term "Narcissist" is often used to describe these folks, but that's more of a blanket term when used in this context. Humans often deem themselves superior to others based on all kinds of superficial comparisons, and also on fantasy-based assumptions, because it can give a person a feeling of confidence and capability, albeit false, but most people like to feel important to some extent no matter how they achieve that feeling.

One of the main reasons behind bad communication with Superiority Complex individuals is that when they have deemed another to be an "inferior", they can't actually comprehend what the person is saying, because they REINTERPRET everything the person says.  They want the person's statements or questions to be indicative of categorical ignorance or stupidity.

For example, if Allison asks a store clerk with a Superiority Complex "Do you carry Thompson's Deck Treatment?", the store clerk will REINTERPRET her simple, straightforward question that requires only an answer of "Yes" or "No", and hopefully where it's located in the store. Instead of hearing the actual question, since the clerk has deemed Allison "inferior" and is assuming she's less intelligent and ignorant, the clerk hears something like:

"Hi there, excuse me, sorry to bother you, hope I'm not interrupting you, can you please help me? I don't know anything about decks, and don't really even know what 'Thompson's' IS, or what a treatment is, or how to do it. I saw something on TV about how you should treat your deck (or~ my husband/brother/neighbor told me I should do this), and so I decided to just go see if I could find it at the store. Can you explain to me how decks are built, and what a treatment is, and what brands are good, and whether I should buy it or not, and if I can do it all by my little self?"

The Superiority Complex-store clerk will answer what he or she HEARD in their OWN HEAD, not what Allison ACTUALLY said, nor the WAY she said it. The clerk will not simply say "Yes" or "No", or "Yes, it's down aisle 7 on the right". He or she will instead see an opportunity to either "educate" Allison on decks, deck care, and deck treatment, because of the assumption that she's clueless, OR he or she will treat Allison dismissively and rudely, like she's taking up their time and space, interrupting them from their extremely important lives. (Regardless of the fact that Allison is a store customer just like anyone else, and their JOB is to treat her with the same respect and courtesy that they'd treat any other customer with.)

Further, if Allison looks or sounds similar to someone else they know, or similar to a stereotype or bias they hold in their imagination, they'll interpret what she says according to THAT, especially if they actually do have Narcissism.

This communication issue can be seen in all fields, all jobs, and all "levels" of jobs. When a person has a Superiority Complex, they assess others to be higher, equal to, or lower than themselves FIRST, and THEN they will interpret what the person says according to their assessment of them. So "straight answers" SANS condescension, pontification, disrespect, outright lying, manipulation, or dismissal are ONLY given to those whom they've deemed above or equal to themselves.

Those whom they deem inferior are assumed to know much less and comprehend much less. Therefore everything they say and do will be assumed as originating from a place of ignorance, experience, education, comprehension, worldliness, or even a lack of intelligence or mental stability, or "bad character", depending on how severe the person's Superiority Complex is.

Those with actual Narcissism will often assume that they can MANIPULATE those whom they've deemed inferior, and will often be utterly shocked, angry, and even enraged when a person whom they've lied to, conned, or betrayed turns out to be aware and more intelligent or worldly than they had assumed. (Narcissists will blame the person they were trying to deceive for their humiliation at getting caught, and often smear them or "retaliate" in some way, as if their TARGET was the one doing something wrong in the first place.)

In summation, those who condescend to others are usually trying to convince others of their "superiority", and are trying to seize an opportunity they think they see to treat another as an inferior.

The short answer for advice on trying to communicate with such a person:
Forget about it, ask someone else. If they're already talking down to you, overexplaining, avoiding answering directly, condescending, etc., they're unlikely to stop.

Blatant Lack Of Respect In Social Interactions

Narcissists do their relationship priorities BACKWARDS.
They care much more about what strangers and acquaintances think of them than they care about the well being of their own children, partner, family members, or "friends". 

They will not stand up for one of their family members or for their partner or a friend against disrespect, bullying, injustice, or abuse because they might lose the approval and acceptance of the people doing the disrespecting.

A Narcissist will readily go along with trashing or disrespecting a person (even right to their face) in their own family or "friendship" circle, including their own kids or their romantic partner, in order to gain acceptance from others.

In communities where Narcissism is rampant, one can witness blatant disrespect in simple human interactions, with certain people being treated with manners, greetings, and purposeful respect, and others being treated with obvious disrespect. Whether it's some kind of social event, gathering, or store or business, the behavior will often be the same in the given community no matter what the situation.

Even a pair of friends, or a married couple, or a pair of relatives standing right next to each other will often be treated completely differently from one another by those around them. One person may be spoken to directly, greeted respectfully and warmly, and the other person can be completely ignored and disrespected.

Also, the more Narcissism in a community, the more likely the person who's being greeted respectfully will NOT CARE that the person they're with is being treated poorly.

If there are no apparent social consequences for it in the local community, many people will ENJOY being treated as "superior" to the person they're with, and often even encourage it and go along with it.

Worthiness, Popularity, Importance

One of the things humans tend to do that's turned on "high" in those with Narcissism is judge people by how popular or respected they appear to be with others.

It's common for those who have ability and talent to get ignored or picked on by other people right up until something happens that makes them "famous", or they get some kind of institutional recognition that they can hang on the wall, or they can afford to buy some kind of Status symbol, like a big house or expensive car.

That's why so many people try so hard to get those things. It's not so much the money or the fame, it's more about the way they'll get treated by others. Humans tend to treat those they see as "popular" or "important" with much better manners and courtesy, and they'll even say that it's because the person "deserves it", which of course is saying that others do NOT deserve it. This is blaming others for one's bad manners and lack of respect and integrity.

Of course, people who do this to others WANT respect, courtesy, and understanding for themselves, regardless of their own level of popularity or "importance", they apparently don't apply their own parameters for the way they treat others to themselves.

This common unfortunate human social behavior causes many of the problems that people have both personally and in society.

Those with Narcissism do this on a regular basis, however they seem to believe that it's ACCURATE to treat others better or worse according to their popularity with others, and whether they deem them to be an "important person".

This is one of the main reasons behind their obsession with their own image, being seen in a certain light by others. Since they think it's perfectly okay and normal to only treat those who are "important" or "popular" with respect or manners, they of course NEED to be one of those people. They HAVE TO BE an "important person", wanted, popular, recognized, accepted by certain people, and MORE important than certain others in comparison...
Otherwise, they would be, in their mind, one of the UNIMPORTANT people who they think don't matter, and who aren't worthy of respect and manners.

Relationships With Narcissists

The thing about any kind of relationship with a person who has Narcissism is that they literally don't care about or respect the other person's point of view, their intelligence, their experience, their future plans and goals, their needs, their wants, their uniqueness, their boundaries, their person, or their current well-being.
Of course they will say that they respect and care about all of these things, even very much. But they don't really know what it means.

They'll continue to do and say things forever that leave a person cold, uncomfortable, humiliated, traumatized, or just plain "screwed" on a worldly, material level.
A person with Narcissism can't do "companionship", they can't do "having your back", they don't do "empathy" or "objectivity", they can't do genuine connection, they only cooperate with those they deem "elite" like they deem themselves, they can't and don't want to do self-control, and they can't take hearing anything about themselves whatsoever, not even five minutes after they just tore you to pieces or shattered your peace of mind. Not five minutes after, not the next day, not the following week, month, year, or five, or twenty-five years later. Not ever.

You CAN'T EVER BE upset with them, you can't be angry, you can't be sad, you can't even be slightly annoyed. When in any relationship with a Narcissist, they want to be the only one who has the privilege of having or expressing any kind of emotion, especially anything that's like annoyance, anger, or being "upset". You're not even "allowed" to have any kind of trauma issues that you need healing or understanding about, nor are you "allowed" to have any physical illnesses or injuries, and if you do, you're on your own. They'll be the last person to help you no matter what your relationship is to them, be it "partner", parent/child, sibling, relative, neighbor, coworker, or "friend". If they help you because they feel like they have no choice, you'll probably wish they hadn't.

Narcissists do NOT care about others, or their effect on others, or how they treat others, because they can't.