WHY Did The Narcissist Pick Me?!

The great question for those who have been through narcissistic abuse is WHY? 

Why do narcissists and control freaks single out one person but not another?

Why do some people seem to fall for their charms and cons, and not others?

The answer is actually pretty simple, believe it or not. There are facets and details that contribute to the answer, mitigating circumstances, life situations, and all kinds of emotional and mental factors that can be analyzed, extracted, injected, and examined to create each person's individual scenario. However, what it boils down to is simply this:

In most cases, "Narcissists" or controllers have something in common: they are used to having someone in their lives who they feel superior to. At some point in their childhoods, there was a person who was treated as an "inferior" to someone else. Someone was being treated as a sidekick, a scapegoat, a weakling, an underling. Someone was being treated on a regular basis as a LESSER human being. 

It might have been the person's sister or brother (How many people think it's "normal" and "okay" to treat a little sister or brother like garbage? And how many parents do nothing about it, and may even make the bullying worse by blaming the sibling who was being targeted because they favor the bully child?)

 It could have been their mother or father; if one parent made it a habit of dominating, abusing, and disrespecting the other parent, or even if they both did it to each other, the child is learning by what the parents MODEL, just like every other human kid. Basically they're learning: "It's natural to treat a person close to me with disrespect, even abuse, and dominate them like a crazed gorilla in order to get my way, and whoever is more abusive is the one who everyone treats better than the other one." The kid doesn't know that the "extra respect" people are giving the abuser is called "walking on eggshells", it's not "respect", it's avoidance of triggering their "wrath" because everyone is sick of the stress and problems they cause.

It could have been a kid down the street that everyone picked on. It could have been an Aunt and Uncle, where one treated the other like a servant; the child would of course NOT want to grow up to be the one who behaved like the servant, but like the one doing the ordering around. It could have been another kid's brother or sister who was being treated like a sidekick or a punching bag, or who was being left out of everything just for meanness' sake. Most likely that kid's sibling who was being left out was the opposite sex, but not always. It could have even been the kid himself or herself, getting treated like a sidekick, a ragdoll, or a scapegoat by his or her own family members, and in order to cope with the abuse, the child chose "finding someone else to target" as their main coping skill; they were being taught "how to bully" by their own family, directly.

So the narcissist grew up with someone in their life who they felt innately superior to.

This was almost always exacerbated by both someone else's bullying and scapegoating behavior toward a given target, AND by not being taught or guided about how to treat others, what ethics are, and why they're important. 

>Even if one parent did guide and teach the child with as much teaching skill and serenity as Gandhi, Mother Theresa, or the Dalai Lama, if that parent was treated with DISRESPECT by others in the family, the child will very likely learn to disrespect that parent and therefore dismiss, ignore, and disdain anything that parent tries to instill. 

The narcissist or controller person is used to feeling entitled to withhold "approval" of another person, is used to feeling like they have innate authority and superiority over whoever they decide is "lower" or "lesser" than themselves (and others like themselves), and is used to feeling "above" someone else in their personal life, and believes that's perfectly okay and normal. 

It's part of normal daily life, in their minds, for there to be someone who is "superior", and someone who is "inferior". 

They most likely do not know or comprehend that everyone does not think and live that way.

So that explains the Narcissist or Controller. What about the target?
Why does one person end up in an abusive relationship, and not another?

The answer to this is the same as the previous answer, but the flip side of that coin.

In most cases, a person who ends up being the target of a Narcissist or a Controller has been one before.

They were "trained" at some point in their lives to allow disrespectful behavior toward them from those around them. 
They learned to expect those in their personal lives to act as if they were better than them, stronger than them, smarter than them, more experienced than them, more knowledgeable, and tougher.
They were trained that someone else will know better, do better, and is more able to lead, to teach, to make decisions, and to get things done.
They were treated as if they were not "one of the people" who gets treated with automatic respect from others, because they just aren't.
They were trained to believe that they could not do "important" things on their own, that they needed someone else who was stronger, more knowledgeable, and braver than them to be there with them.
They were trained that the only reason people treat them with disrespect is because they are doing something to MAKE THEM treat them that way, or that they should deal with it because of who or what they are, "that's the way it is."
They were even trained to shrink back from standing up for themselves because it's "rude" and "bad manners".
This "training" could have come from the target's parents, but not necessarily. It could have come from one parent. It could have come from watching one parent target the other, and they identified with the targeted parent instead of the Controller parent, like the Narcissist might have done. It could have come from the school they went to, either the faculty, the other kids, or both. (Usually both, there are always narcissistic faculty members in most schools who undermine the values and ethics that other teachers are trying to uphold, who will pull the "Golden Child" and "Scapegoat Child" bit, or have sex bias issues, or just not like kids.) It could have come from the neighborhood, from other kids, other parents; it could have come from other relatives. It could have come from their closest friend, and that friend's family members. It could have come from their religious community, or from the entire community they grew up in.

So the ANSWER to the question of "WHY?" is simple. 

The Narcissist or Controller is just used to thinking of themselves as "above" and "superior", and they feel normal when they have a person targeted to be the "inferior" one.
They're a bully and think (or hope) that they're better.
(Maybe they want to be the Uncle who everyone treated like Royalty, and since he treated their Aunt like a rug, that's how they think "great people" act. Or maybe it was the Aunt who everyone treated like Royalty and the Uncle who was treated like a rug.)
Whatever, either way they're identifying themselves as a "SUPERIOR PERSON" who controls all, who doles out resources and approval, and makes demands to "underlings".

The Target is a person who has been through this before, and was taught that it was "normal". So the Target misses the "Red Flags" that someone else may have seen and steps past them.  It feels "normal" to the Target to NOT receive approval and reciprocal friendship. It feels normal to have someone in their life who seems to want to take the lead, or even take over things they should leave alone, and cross boundaries, change plans frequently, and act like the "stronger one". It even feels normal to be in a friendship or relationship with a person who seems UNINTERESTED or even dismissive toward the Target's interests, talents, ambitions, plans, feelings, accomplishments, and even pets and children. Because it all feels familiar, they've been here before.



Have you ever noticed that non-Narcissist men seem to see through Narcissism in other men that women tend to miss, but they miss the Red Flags flying on Narcissistic women?
Have you ever noticed the opposite is true also, that non-Narcissist women tend to spot Narcissism in other women before men seem to?
That's because it's more common for a person to be trained to accept Narcissistic, disrespectful behavior from the opposite sex than from one's own. Kids are "allowed" more often to stand up to children of the same sex, but not allowed to stand up to kids of the opposite sex, no matter how bad the bullying is. Girls are punished on a regular basis for standing up to boys and men who are disrespectful, bullying or nasty, and boys are punished for standing up to girls or women who bully them as well. Both girls and boys are frequently punished for standing up to any disrespectful adult, especially if the parents want to make a "good impression".

Standing up for one's self is not improper, and does not involve disrespecting, threatening, or bullying the other person back. 

Some girls and boys are even often directly taught not to stand up to ANYONE who threatens or gets physically abusive, which is literally crazy, especially since females are an average 5% smaller than males, and individuals of course (boys or girls) can have an even greater size difference between them. Talk about being trained to allow abuse! Being able to defend one's self confidently, and as safely as possible against an attacker should be a basic part of any child's learning.

Anxiety And Controllers

One of the ways controller personalities cause anxiety in their target (until the target realizes what they're doing) is following their target around and criticizing and micromanaging everything they do. They "piggyback" on the target. So if, for example, the living room needs dusting and the target notices it and starts dusting, the controller will follow the target and tell them what to do and how to do it, and will often criticize whatever the target is doing.

Controller personalities are opportunists; when they see an opportunity to "lord over" someone, they take it. If for example no one has cleaned the garage in years, the minute the target decides to put a day aside and clean it, that's the moment the controller will say something like "I need you to clean the garage.... and here's what I want you to do, and how I want it done." You can almost set your watch by it. Anything the target decides to do, the controller will jump on and try to turn it into "their idea", and try to take over and become the "boss".

I used to have a couple of employees in my contracting business. Most of them had a good work ethic and knew at least the basics of what they were doing, and if they didn't know something they would ask, or find out. But a couple of employees (that didn't last long) would watch what I was doing, and come over and try to take it physically out of my hands, or come over and try to tell me how to do whatever I was doing. These people were MY EMPLOYEES, what they needed to be doing was what they were hired for, and what I TOLD them to do, but they simply could NOT refrain from their compulsion to try to control ME and whatever I was doing. I would tell them what to do and they would counter me, even if they had no idea what they were talking about, or they would parrot back what I just said as if it was their idea and their plan. They would also talk over me to clients, take my tools, and act like as if THEY were the "boss" or the "expert" to any suppliers or other contractors. They would also do this to other employees. I did hire employees I would actually consider "expert" carpenters, and they rarely pulled any of that, they treated me with normal respect, even accounting for personality differences. I also experienced this same strange and immature behavior from some supply house employees, some other trades people, and even some customers.

Controlling parents will often do this with their children, even their adult children. If the child does not clean his or her room, it might go unnoticed. But the moment the controlling parent catches wind that the child is picking up clothes or untangling a mess, the parent is IN THERE, telling the child to clean the room, often with an attitude as if they told them a hundred times...berating them for not doing it before now... and telling the child JUST WHAT they should be doing, and how to do it, as if the child is completely incompetent. Often when the child is finished, the controlling parent will not say "good job", but will come and criticize or rearrange what the child has done, and completely disregard the child's personal space and possessions, as if the parent literally "owns" the child and everything attached to the child.

"Partners" and "friends" with control issues will also do this to their partners or friends. Usually the person who gets their self-esteem from comparing themselves with others will do this; they enjoy being the boss because it makes them feel powerful and in charge, regardless of whether they have ANY IDEA about what they're talking about or what they're doing. Controllers don't want equal friendships, they want mascots, sidekicks, and little sisters and brothers who they can boss around. I had an acquaintance like this who wanted to know how I make a certain cake. I invited her over so I could show her how and walk her through the recipe. To my dismay, everything I started to do she would correct me, or physically take it from me and try to do it herself, BEFORE I told her how to do it or what to put in. After a while I just stood back, far back, and let her screw it up, since she was obviously not interested in actually listening to me. I didn't correct her either, since she argued with everything I said anyway; if she wants to learn how to make that cake, she can figure it out on her own. 

This behavior can cause major anxiety, self-esteem, and confidence issues in a target that could take intensive therapy to repair.

Judgmental People

One of the more difficult things to actually grasp about narcissism for many is the reason they treat certain people like they're less important, or unimportant: they actually BELIEVE that the person IS less important than themselves, or unimportant to the human race and the world.
When they criticize or belittle a target for random things like how you wear your hair, how you spend your time, the job you have, the interests and ambitions you have, your education, your friends, your capability, your intelligence, and your mental stability, they're SERIOUS! They actually believe what is coming out of their mouth, much of the time. It's true, sometimes abusers will say mean things on purpose for the sole purpose of causing injury, but quite a lot of the time a Narcissist is dead serious about whatever he or she just said to you and about you.
Since one of the main problems that comes with narcissism is fantasy overlaying reality, a person with this disorder simply believes whatever their imagination tells them.
So if they see your dirty truck, their imagination might make up a reason for it, like "She's a lazy person, that's why the truck is dirty" or "He's a slob, he doesn't even wash his truck when he goes through mud puddles".
They don't have the capacity to think "Hey I don't know why that truck is dirty". They also, more importantly, don't have the capacity to see a dirty truck and THINK NOTHING about it, or transfer judgment onto the truck owner. EVERYTHING has to have a judgment, a "good" or "bad" assessment. Everything about another person HAS TO fall into a "good" or "bad" category, that's all they have.
There isn't even a neutral zone or a funny zone, like "Joe is so funny, he doesn't care what people think about his truck being dirty" or "I wish I was more like him, not caring what people think" or even "Oh neat, looks like Jane was 4-Wheeling with her truck again! I wonder if she went camping?"
There's no time where they wouldn't NOTICE anything they think is fodder for judgment. The ONLY time they will think with neutrality, understanding, or admiration about another person is if they have the person on a PEDESTAL. THEN the person can do NO WRONG... until of course they "fall off" the pedestal, and then it's back again to judging negatively.

Innate Power And Authority

Those with certain "narcissist" issues will often fixate on a person they do or don't know personally, and make them the center of their emotional world. They might idealize the person, or they might devalue the person. They might think of the person as almost (or literally) god-like, or they might try to make the person their "nemesis", or into a very bad or stupid person. It doesn't seem to occur to them that other people are just people, just like themselves; they will project giant greatness OR terrible evil, insanity, or stupidity on the other person, and then believe their projection. They do this frequently with those they believe to have some kind of power, from just personal "charisma" with someone they know socially or in their family, to anyone they perceive to have some kind of authority, to anyone who seems popular or in charge of something, to radio show hosts, talk show hosts, celebrities, and politicians.
Another developmental delay; this can be seen as a common step in childhood. Children must learn as they mature, usually with adult guidance, that all human adults are equal in personal authority, and that the only actual "power" any person has is in the job position they hold. When the person is not doing that job, even during the same day, they do not hold that "authority" over other adults. But until they learn that people are just people, just like themselves, they tend to believe that certain people hold INNATE "POWER" and authority. Those children who don't grow out of this for whatever reason often grow up to resent authority, to rebel randomly, and to not realize that if they took that same JOB, they would hold the same "authority" as the person they resent. Some of them grow up trying to GAIN that "innate authority" that they think some people have and others don't just by virtue of their being (or physical body, like race, sex, or body size, or their wealth, popularity, or career). No one has innate power over other adults, there is only authority related to one's job position IN REALITY. Unless of course one buys into a culture where "innate power" is taught to be real, based on race, sex, ancestry, religion or wealth. It is only "real" to those who buy it.

All Narcissists Are Men~?

Once and for all, when someone is talking about "Narcissism" or "Abusers" they are not referring to MALES. Unless the speaker or writer is specifically talking about a male Narcissist or Abuser, assuming that they are referring to MALES just by using the word "Narcissist" or "Abuser" makes no sense. That's like assuming a person is talking about Caucasians every time the word "Racist" is used, or referring to Asians every time the word Genius is used.

No one who has the slightest grasp of Narcissism or abuse believes for a millisecond that it's a "male only" trait or behavior. If you read something that seems biased for one sex or the other, that's THAT ARTICLE. Unless the writer actually says "Narcissists and abusers are male", then he or she is probably NOT saying that! And if he or she IS saying that, then move on! Don't read it! Don't take it seriously!

Writers who project ANY human traits onto either only females or only males obviously has personal bias issues and probably should not be taken seriously, at least while they are apparently writing from that bias. YOU have the ability to discern what you read. Stop assuming that every male writer and speaker is anti-female, and that every female writer and speaker is anti-male. When you open your eyes, you'll be amazed at what you see.

Why Don't They Seem To Want You To Be Successful?

Narcissists do not want their target to receive respect, recognition, or admiration from others. Positive attention from others toward the target is a threat to the oppressive hold the Narcissist is trying to keep over the target, It is a threat to their control, and also a threat to their ego; the Narcissist needs the target to remain at a "lower status" so that there will always be someone they can feel superior to. When others "SEE" the target and treat them like a REAL PERSON in the larger world, the target could realize that they have many more options and avenues in their life, and supporters who are actually nice to them to boot. So preventing the target from achieving accomplishment and success is tantamount to the Narcissist's ability to keep control over them. Also, if the target has supporters, those supporters may be able to see the Narcissist's control tactics, and that is a serious threat to the Narcissist's entire way of life and reputation.

The easiest way to prevent a target from achievement, success, and recognition is to make them believe that they CAN'T achieve it in the first place, that they aren't capable, smart enough, wealthy enough, mentally stable enough, attractive enough, or well liked enough. If the Narcissist can sabotage the target from even TRYING to achieve their goal, or cause enough chaos and pain to make them DROP their efforts, then they have achieved their own goal.

This behavior can be seen in every kind of human relationship there is, from teacher and student to employer and employee, parents and children, siblings, partners, "friends", to a larger scale such as governments and citizens, businesses and customers, between sexes, and between races.

Tolerance For One Mouth, Intolerance For Another

Tolerance and approval for one person and not another is RARELY, if ever, based on their actual behavior or actions. The filters through which human beings assess one another are more like a series of personal prejudices, emotional and mental triggers from childhood and adolescence, and ego inflammations.

This is extremely obvious if you pay any OBJECTIVE attention to the media, and the public's reaction to individuals in the media. That is, if you're capable of objectivity. Many humans are not.

When one political commentator rants on and on, they get a bigger time slot and more fans. When another one rants on and on, they get blasted with criticism and contempt. It's extremely obvious, and yet humans will deny it with their last breath.
Which one gets the time slot and which one gets the criticism and contempt? It's got NOTHING to do with their actual behavior, or what they're saying. It has EVERYTHING to do with the very conditioned and ego based biases that human filter everything through.

Who are your favorite political commentators? What do they have in common, PHYSICALLY?
Who are the ones you can't stand? What do THEY have in common, PHYSICALLY?

What are their ages, their gender, body type, weight, race, skin color, hair color and style, and accent?

We can rationalize all day long that it's about WHAT THEY SAY... but deep down we know that wegive MUCH MORE CREDENCE to what one says than the other. We overlook their bullying and condescension toward others, but we MAGNIFY the bullying and condescension of the commentators we DON'T like.
Therefore we don't actually LISTEN TO what they're saying, whether we like them or not. We filter everything, so if we like the person we excuse and rationalize their negatives, and if we don't, we magnify their negatives. We even make things up! We even idealize and overvalue the ones we like, and devalue the ones we don't!

Since humans have such a hard time with objectivity, it is exceedingly rare for a person to actually take in real information from others. We spin EVERYTHING to make it either BETTER or WORSE than it actually is. We do this with people we know, and people we don't know. It doesn't matter. If we want to listen to others objectively, we have to learn what our own biases actually ARE, and learn the difference between bias and reality. But few humans are willing to do that, sadly.

Mental Health Providers and Caregivers, Overworked, Over Pressured, and Under Evaluated

The fields of medicine including the fields of Psychiatry and Psychology require regular practice of humility in order to remain effective. As with any human vocation, when a practitioner or worker sees themselves as a higher class of human than those he or she serves, their ability to perform their job changes. The same happens when one becomes arrogant about one's experience and knowledge, whatever one's vocation is. If one feels like they have mastered all, they no longer seek new information or fresh eyes, and no longer double-check themselves. In the fields of medicine and care giving, arrogance is a huge liability since the price is human life. To place one's self or one's colleagues categorically above clients and patients, to see them and think of them as "Them", as "Other" is not a practice of healthy boundaries. It is simply a denial that "They" and "We" are the same "kind" of human, thus giving the "care giver" permission to treat them without the respect and care that one would treat "one of his/her own kind". Unfortunately few "care givers", regardless of their degree, seem to have reached a plane of maturity that allows them to treat clients and patients as "one of US" instead of "one of THEM". As a result, the quality of health care and mental health care is at an all time low, even though the advances in treatment are incredible.



There are providers out there who do have the capacity for respect toward their clients and patients, and the contrast of quality of care between them and those who do not is quite stark. If the practitioner seems blase toward you, is not interested in doing any testing, or seems to think he or she can assess you in one quick visit, you might want to think twice about going back. Put yourself in the evaluator' shoes; if they were treating someone they RESPECTED who was having as hard of a time emotionally or mentally as you are, or as hard of a time with other people in your life as you are, what would they be asking? What would they be testing? How much information would they want from the person? If you were the evaluator, and your patient was a person you respected, what would you be asking them?

How much information do you think it would take for one total stranger to get a TRUE GRASP on another total stranger's life; their real personality, real history, real family dynamic, and real mental and emotional profile?

If you made an appointment with your doctor because you had a pain in your abdomen, would the doctor ask you a few questions and then send you home with a prescription? Or would he or she do some actual tests to find out what the pain is from? If you have pain in your abdomen and the doctor is not interested in the cause, you need to find another doctor, and quickly.

So why is the BRAIN, the most important organ in the human body, NOT being treated in the same way? The brain is an ORGAN, and is extremely complex. It's literally the organ that allows us to be IN this world, to be conscious beings that are living and functioning as human beings. WHY would a "care provider" behave as if it's the LEAST important organ? As if a couple of questions and a some pills are all you need? OR, why would a "care giver" treat a patient like there's no way to fix what's "wrong" with them anyway, like they're a "lost cause", so why try very hard? Is that how you would treat another human being who came to you for help or care? Even if you were getting paid for helping and caring for clients and patients?

Would you assume that you could assess a person by looking at them; their clothes, their hair, their shoes, their make-up and jewelry, or lack thereof? How about the sound of their voice? How about their speech pattern, or the slang they use or don't use? How about their gender or their race? Would you want someone to assess you that quickly, with so little actual information, and then proceed to TREAT you? Doubtful.

So why does the mental health (and medical health) community do this on a regular basis? Aren't they supposed to be the beacons of professionalism, science, and thoroughness?

They are supposed to be, and a few out there maintain this level of scientific and ethical standard. But you will be hard pressed to find them. What you will find today more often than not is someone who works too many hours, who is paying very high insurance premiums or working for someone who is paying very high insurance premiums, who does not utilize all the evaluation tools available or even a few of them because it's inconvenient, costly, time consuming or sometimes because they don't know how to use them. There is also more than one "school" of psychology; those who receive degrees do NOT necessarily learn them all, and in fact rarely do.There is actually a tendency for students to be taught one "school" of psychology as if it's the "right one" and that the other ones are "wrong", so they don't even consider them. Which sounds very un-academic and unscientific; that's because it IS.

There is even a "school" of medicine that teaches practitioners to treat the SYMPTOMS but NOT the CAUSE. (This way you can take medicine for what ails you forever, until it kills you. If you are cured, then you don't have to buy that medicine anymore, do you?)

A regular dose of humility and an injection of respect for clients. The cure for what ails us. 

Contempt In Families and Relationships

If your partner shows that he or she feels contempt for you, or if you feel it for them, or if you both feel it for each other, that's not normal, and it's not part of a normal and healthy relationship. There's not supposed to BE contempt in a relationship, ESPECIALLY in a so-called "romantic" relationship. Parents are NOT supposed to feel contempt for their child, that's not normal or healthy, it's an indication of mental illness. And "romantic partners" are not supposed to feel contempt for one another either. Contempt is right next to hatred. Hatred is not a normal part of any relationship, EVER. If you have contempt for another person, you either need to get help for that specifically, or you need to be far, far away from that person and NOT be in contact with them.

Too Many Laws?

When a government or institution is seen to pass an excessive number of laws it is usually in direct proportion to the lack of self-governing and self-discipline among its citizens or members.

In other words, when the monkeys act like rabid apes, the cage door slams shut. 

If the monkeys weren't screaming, jumping, and attacking each other they would be in control and they would have seen the zookeeper coming.

Male and Female Condescension

A common thing that male narcissists do is condescend about anything that relates to "intellectual knowledge", especially about subjects that they think is "male oriented", like trades, sports, or business. This is because they paid attention to what they could get away with for a long time. "If I talk down to the girls at school about fixing cars, I won't get in trouble, and most of the girls don't know much about fixing cars so I can get away with it, even if I don't know what I'm talking about." (This is why they *hate* women who are knowledgeable in trades, or any other subject they think males should "own")
If you've ever witnessed two male narcissists talk about something "male oriented", it's actually amusing, they will "spar" with each other for an hour straight about a single subject. Because neither of them are actually an expert, they both keep verbally circling each other until they get tired or bored.

A common thing female narcissists do is condescend about anything that relates to "emotional knowledge" or "life advice". In the same way that male narcs. learned what they could get away with, female narcs learned that they could condescend to others with "emotional or life advice", and anything else that they think females "own", like cooking, cleaning, grooming, and child raising.
Female narcs., like male narcs, are more likely to condescend to FEMALES, because it's EASIER to get away with. Not just because the female they are targeting is less likely to bite, but because they have learned that it is unlikely that anyone else will stand up for the female against condescension or domination. So they learn that if a female target shows or expresses any emotional distress, this is an OPPORTUNITY to get a "hit" of supply. They like to call it "constructive criticism". So if a female target comes home from a terrible day at work or school, and says "I had such a bad day, this person is just so nasty to me all the time!" the narc's response will be something like (with a gleam in her eye) "YOU have to get a thicker skin!" or maybe "YOU have to learn to stand up for yourself!" or perhaps "YOU must be doing something to upset this woman!"
Their domination displays are most often put upon younger women than themselves, or smaller women than themselves, or women who's looks they envy. Narc. women will also target males, but USUALLY will only target a male who they feel they have already socially "conquered", like a husband or a family member. They will also target coworkers and subordinates. The key with female narcissists is that they know they can only get away with so much in this current culture. They are more likely than male narcs to wait and see WHO they can get away with targeting. Just like male narcs, anyone in their personal circle is a potential target. 

Both male and female narcissists will use anything that they have found they can PERSONALLY get away with. And if a target does NOT "allow" them to condescend, if a target either calls them out on their condescension OR simply knows more about the actual subject than the narcissist does, the narcissist will often fly into a panic, and perhaps a rage, and then probably trash the target to anyone who will listen.

All that being said, the best way I have found personally to deal with a condescending narcissist, male or female, is to nod my head and say "oh, thank you", and then walk AWAY. I don't laugh out loud when I notice what they're doing, (anymore), I just excuse myself; I don't want to cause myself MORE stress. Having a narcissist in your life is like having a pet Grizzly bear, you can never predict their moods or behavior, and they are extremely costly to feed. It's best to leave them in the wild with their own kind.

Feeling Alone And Unwanted; Narc. Abuse

Feeling unwanted, rejected, and uncared for and unsafe  in your own home (or your own family, job, school, church, or town) is one of the worst things about Narcissistic abuse.

Since creating this kind of hostile atmosphere is actually a goal of a Narcissistic abuser, it's rare that a target is not drastically affected in all areas, including livelihood and career. Slander and gossip destroy a target's reputation, which often results in job loss, loss of future promotions and career growth. Gossip and triangulation often result in one's family AND friends of the family turning against the target, so the target loses NORMAL relationships and supports that others who have not been targeted tend to take for granted. Much too often those who should have been supporting and protecting the target will buy into the slander,  gossip, and reputation destruction, and go right along with "shunning" this person who has already been targeted for abuse a hundred times over by the Narcissist.

Healing from this is absolutely possible, and is being done every day by people all over the world.

Shame As Leverage: Control Freaks

In order to gain "leverage", controlling people will often insert and project shame onto random things about others. Often they learn this in childhood from someone else who did it.

For example, the hairstyle a person has is just a hairstyle, and each person has, of course, the right to wear their hair however they want. The exception to this is their job; dress code usually includes hair, and if I want that job I am going to respect my employer's dress code. However, people who are not my employer do not have any reason to try to "control" my hairstyle, that's simply disrespect. In order to get AROUND being called disrespectful, a Controller person will insert SHAME when they criticize my hair, as if my non-compliance with THEIR TASTE in hairstyles is some kind of hostile behavior.

>If your car is not perfectly clean, you aren't SHAMEFUL.

>If your bed is not made, you're not a BAD PERSON.

>If you made a mess when you were cooking, you're not a SLOB.

>If your shop or work area does not look like someone else's OCD fantasy, you're not a CRAZY or BAD person.

>If you aren't PERFECT with your money, well, you're just like 99% of the population.

>If you ARE very good with money, it doesn't mean you're full of GREED .

>If you're a FRIENDLY and POLITE PERSON, it doesn't mean you are trying to GET ATTENTION, or FLIRTING, or PROMISCUOUS.

>If you're "GOOD LOOKING", it doesn't mean anything AT ALL about your character or behavior, and neither does being "AVERAGE LOOKING".

ALL of these things are frequently twisted by Controllers as excuses to PROJECT SHAME in order to try to GAIN LEVERAGE.

People may project and insert SHAME onto others for all kinds of reasons that have to do with control, such as money. When a scammer or con artist tries to get more money out of a person, or get out of paying a bill, they quite often use this SHAME tactic, instead of doing straightforward business without emotional overtones. This is a RED FLAG. When someone you're doing business with tries to project SHAME onto you, or if you see that they're doing that to or about someone else, you should go on RED ALERT. Above-board business NEVER includes SHAME. It is straight MATH, a straightforward exchange for product or service; zero emotional projection should be involved.

I was at a consignment shop recently where a friend and I were interested in the vintage clothing. The shop owner approached us and asked if we wanted to try some things on; we said we were in a hurry right now (we were) but we wanted to come back. The shop owner said "Well if you're not going to buy anything then you can leave." So~ we left, and we will probably NEVER return. We WOULD HAVE returned when we weren't in a rush, and probably bought some items, but when that shop owner tried to project control and shame on us, we saw that there was a good chance the shop was a scam; everything was probably way overpriced, and maybe fake vintage.

Controllers who owe you money will often do this to the Nth degree. They will often project ALL KINDS of shame on you in order to try to get out of paying you what they owe you. This is probably a lifelong habit with them, they most likely do it all the time and have gotten away with it before.

For example if you loaned a Controller $10,000, and they are trying to get out of paying you back, they might try to use things about YOU as "leverage". Like "If you didn't buy that car you wouldn't NEED the 10K back!" or "If you didn't gamble you would HAVE more money, and you wouldn't need the 10K back!" or "If you didn't spend so much on travelling, you would HAVE the money and you wouldn't NEED the 10K back!" They will do this REGARDLESS of how fair you are in expecting payment. They will probably also do this with banks, credit cards, and other bills. Most likely someone they know does it too, so they keep getting reaffirmed that it's "okay" to act this way.

I had a Landlord who did this to a silly degree. I saw the flags when I moved in, but I needed a place to live, so I decided to keep my guard up and just stay there. I SHOULD HAVE left, in hindsight, right away. (Another lesson). This person tried to use shame to control everything, and used personal involvement and "concern" to get out of being called out on the control behavior. Everything was about him. Everything was about how things were tough for him, like the cracked basement and the higher rent. Nothing was his fault, like the high water table (which was not, but the cracked basement WAS) and the ants (which were not, but refusing to do anything about them WAS). Everything was about how hard he worked to make the yard "perfect" and the house "perfect", and how I needed to KEEP it PERFECT, the way he would... About 7 months into my lease, he started to ask me if I was going to stay or not. I told him I wasn't sure. He responded to my response as if I didn't "understand" how IMPORTANT my decision to stay or go was to HIS financial well-being. (He owns several properties in an affluent community). He bugged me regularly about this AND tried to pressure me into staying for several months. Then, when I finally told him straight up NO, (the decision was because of his behavior more than about the actual place), he tried to make finding a new tenant into a crisis that I had to be a part of. More than once he scheduled a showing without giving me notice. One day I had to drive two hours from where I was so I could get there before he did because I was afraid he would harass my son if I wasn't there.
NEEDLESS to say, my security deposit was mostly gone, supposedly "used up" with the HUGE amount of work they had to do... cleaning and repairing the place after I moved out... I saw that coming about a month after I moved in~ I was actually surprised he was planning to give me ANY back. I used to repair apartments in between tenants for one of my accounts, I know the HUGE difference between normal wear and tear and irresponsible tenants, and I know exactly what each repair and cleaning costs. Landlords are SUPPOSED TO expect to do a reasonable amount of cleaning and repair when a tenant moves out, and painting is a NORMAL part of being a Landlord. ACTUAL DAMAGE is not the same thing as NORMAL MAINTENANCE, but that's what this Landlord seemed to believe, and tried to SHAME me for... I saw the flags, he couldn't "get" me, I knew what the game was, but he DID TRY.

I had another Landlord who was stringing the electricity for the outside of the house and the 3 car garage off of MY meter. She was also a real estate agent, she used that to as a cover for appearing to be above board. Same SHAME game, same scam. She also tried to take my entire security deposit for a couple of knobs on the gas stove that were melted a bit when some grease flared up... Solid gold stove knobs, apparently! Must be nice!

When a person is projecting SHAME for all kinds of random things like your hair, your car, your appearance, your job, your ambition and aspirations, your beliefs, your outgoing or introverted personality, your housekeeping, your education level, during a business transaction, your clothing, your money handling, your emotions, things that HAPPENED TO YOU, during counseling, and ESPECIALLY if they are trying to shame you when you stand up for yourself or for someone else, it is a red flag for CONTROL. At one end of this spectrum, the person is just used to getting their way with this tactic in social and family situations, often trying to maintain a "top dog" position. At the other end of this spectrum, the person is a con artist and criminal.

Dating And Loyalty

If we want to date an eccentric, a different race, a person of a different political party or religion, or a female human, we are volunteering to defend them from our prejudice friends, acquaintances, and family, and probably random strangers as well. We should be prepared to find out things we did not know about those around us. If we don't want to do that, if it's too stressful and too much to stand up for the person we are asking to be our "number one", then we shouldn't date them in the first place.

 If we marry this person, we are volunteering to defend them for life.

Learning Successfulness

Do not make the quality of your life and the level of your success dependent on the character or behavior of the people surrounding you.
When you're dealing with gossipy coworkers, you keep walking directly toward your goal. When your family members put you down, you keep walking toward your goal. When business people try to swindle you, you make a note of who they are and what they did, and you keep walking toward your goal. When a romantic partner changes and tries to break your heart, you keep walking toward your goal. When a friend you thought you could count on turns on you or lets you down, you keep walking toward your goal. Whatever the bump in the road is, or the pothole, or the earthquake, you keep walking toward your goal. You deal with the bumps, potholes and earthquakes, but you don't stay on them or in them, you deal with them properly, compassionately, and with integrity, while keeping sight of your goal. 
When you reach your goal, you set a new one, and walk toward that one. Deal with all the bumps, potholes, storms and earthquakes on your way to the goal with integrity, intelligence, and compassion, and with all the experience and knowledge you've acquired so far. And keep sight of your goal.


~M. Black

Do REMEMBER THIS! When most people reject a person, it's hardly ever about something the person actually did "wrong", or that they're weird, boring, or "not good enough". It's actually almost always about the REJECTOR'S comfort and/or ego. If your interests are too different from a less mature/insecure person's interests, they can feel uncomfortable. If your thought process is faster, slower, or different than theirs, they can feel uncomfortable. If your APPEARANCE is glitzier than theirs, or LESS glitzy than theirs, and they are insecure, they will probably be uncomfortable. If you have a higher college degree or a lower one than they do, (either way), they can feel uncomfortable.

If they habitually seek "friends" who they can follow, and you're not up for the Leadership position, they will probably reject you. If they habitually seek "friends" who they can boss around, and you're not up for the Follower position, they will probably reject you.

The more narrow their comfort zone, the more difficult it will be for anyone to fit inside of it. The weaker their boundaries, the more controlling about other people they will be.

Most humans want to have friends, but few are willing or able to be one back. Most humans want tons of understanding, empathy, support, encouragement, help, or even applause or sympathy, but they don't think much about giving it back. Most want others to be on time and hold up their agreements, but they don't think much about being prompt themselves, or holding up their own end of an agreement. Most want friends who are good listeners and don't judge them, but they don't try very hard to return the favor. Most want others to understand all their ups and downs, and when they're in process of getting something accomplished, but they aren't very understanding or enlightened about others.

Most want people to see them in a highly respectable light and  treat them accordingly, regardless of how they might appear from the outside, but it doesn't  much occur to them to treat others the same way.

REMEMBER that when you get rejected by other people, like you're "not good enough" or like they don't "like" you, it's very rarely because you actually "deserve" it. It's almost always because you don't fit inside the very small box of their comfort zone. And who would WANT TO?!? Be GRATEFUL that you aren't that small!

Question And Explore

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't question and explore your world. I used to think it wrong to question things; it would make people uncomfortable, it would mean I was not getting it when everyone else did, it would mean that I lacked faith, it would mean that people might be offended because some questions were considered inappropriate... Good people took other good people's words as the way it is. Don't test the thickness of the ice you're walking on if you were told it's thick enough. Don't question it further.

It's considered disrespectful or a form of rebellion to study things our for yourself, to notice inconsistencies and ask about them, to search on your own. Sometimes stories were told about that; curiosity killed the cat, don't stray off the path handed to you or you will get get lost; asking too many questions means you have a learning problem; or even asking too many questions makes you a smart-alack.

You were given a heart and a mind for reason. You are here to explore your soul, to explore your world, to determine what works for you, and what does not... to determine if what everyone believes is even true for you. You are here to to explore your truth! You are here to test, to question and learn of your own path. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't question and explore your world. ♥

 ~ Lisa Concidine

When Do Abusers Stop?

A narcissistic abuser will abuse a target mentally, emotionally, sometimes physically, sometimes financially, to the point of severe depression or suicidal ideation on the target's part, and then they will do it some more. A narcissistic abuser does not STOP when they see that the target has reached a breaking point, even if they want to keep the target around. They will do it more, since the target showing signs of fatigue, stress, emotional exhaustion or illness are actually triggers for narcissistic  abusers. 

They don't stop when they see these signs in their target like normal people would and think "gosh I've been too hard on him/her, I need to make some serious changes." They actually amp up the abuse, because now they have what they see as ammunition against the target, they see an opportunity to criticize the target for their "weaknesses". They don't care, or maybe don't comprehend, that they were the reason for the target's condition. Or, for a psychopath, they do know, and that was their intention all along. 

They may see their behavior and extreme arrogance as "strength", so talking to them about it probably won't even make a dent. The best way to deal with a narcissistic abuser is to just get away from them, and only see them in safe places with other people around. (Safe people, not friends of the abuser.)

Drama Queens And Kings

The person who has issues of abandonment, attachment, and sometimes paranoia may READ INTO the actions and interactions of those around them, but not be able to observe themselves, or remember past events or actions of others.
So for example, if Mary, who has abandonment and paranoia issues, sees her husband happily talking to a new neighbor who happens to be female, Mary may become incensed with jealousy. Mary then believes her jealous feelings represent actual reality. She does not cross-reference her husband's actual behavior patterns, or his history of being a great friend and loving partner. She simply DELETES and IGNORES the history of their relationship, and of her husband's behavior, because she is feeling this intense jealousy.
Mary also immediately dislikes this new woman, because she feels jealous of her. Mary does not take even a moment to find out what this woman is like, who she is, or what her basic situation is. This woman could be homosexual for all Mary knows, but she has already decided she doesn't like her and that she's a "threat", based SOLELY on her emotional reaction of jealousy.
Mary doesn't even know if her husband actually finds this woman attractive, he might just find her interesting in the same way he would if she were a little old man. He might just be behaving politely, he might not even like her. But Mary does not try to FIND OUT, she just assumes all kinds of things, and then completely INVESTS herself in these assumptions.

So now, because of Mary's own emotional issues and refusal to find out real information from either her husband or the new woman, she creates a dramatic and tense situation. Instead of welcoming a new neighbor and possibly making a friend, or at least a friendly acquaintance, she blows up the issue to huge proportions, and injects her own negativity, causing everyone to feel uncomfortable and oppressed. She makes noises and gives body language signals that she is unhappy and annoyed. She refuses to make eye contact with the woman, shakes her hand briefly and briskly in a snotty manner, and then speaks directly and loudly to her husband, on purpose, making a show of ignoring the woman's presence. Mary's behavior is like a jealous child, and she is making herself look like an unstable person, and revealing that she is a bully. 

On the OTHER SIDE of this coin: Mary, this time who does NOT have paranoia issues, sees her husband talking to the new neighbor, who happens to be a female. Mary happily walks over, eager to meet this new person in their neighborhood. She notices that her husband seems to find this woman interesting, so she is even more interested in finding out about the woman, maybe they will become friends.
HOWEVER, when Mary reaches out to shake the woman's hand, the woman takes it briefly and drops it, barely glancing at her. The woman keeps talking animatedly to Mary's husband, who seems oblivious to the rude behavior toward Mary. It is then that Mary starts observing, and realizes that the woman might be considered physically attractive to some people, and her husband might be attracted to her. She tries to introduce herself again, politely, giving the woman another chance, but is obviously rebuffed. The woman avoids eye contact with Mary altogether, and keeps on talking to her husband as if there is no one else standing there. Mary's husband does nothing to change or stop it. The new neighbor has revealed herself to be a bully, and Mary finds herself worried that her husband doesn't even seem to notice or care, which is yet another red flag.

In this scenario, the person who is creating DRAMA and problems is the new neighbor woman, and Mary's husband is co-creating the DRAMA right along with her.

The person or people who behave rudely, inconsiderately, and arrogantly are the ones who create DRAMA. Those who feel upset by this behavior, and who want to TALK ABOUT whatever happened, are NOT the drama creators. They are the ones who are interested in PEACE and LESS drama.

Be careful who gets called a "Drama Queen", it's usually the other way around. Name-calling is very popular with Drama Creators.

Followers And Gossip, The Narcissist Smear Campaign

People follow along with gossips when they campaign against a target because humans tend to follow others. It takes a conscious and self-aware human being to NOT follow the lead of others, to stop and question, and look around, regarding pretty much anything.

When others around us watch a tv show, we tend to want to see what it is, and will often watch it too. When everyone goes to the fireworks..., it's what "everyone does", so everyone does it. When a lot of people we know like a particular song or band, we tend to go along with them, even if we didn't notice the band or like them at first.

If you want to see this in action right now, just watch the activity at popular restaurants, and compare that to the activity at less popular restaurants. Even if the wait is an hour or more, people will flock to the "popular" or "famous" restaurant, and they will do this at the BUSIEST time. They won't go to the less popular one where there is no wait, right down the street. They won't even change the time they go to the popular restaurant, and go at a much less busy time. They will go, and stay, where the CROWD is, because that's what everyone says is GOOD. If no one was in line at the famous pizza restaurant or burger joint, most people would just keep walking, they wouldn't even try the food there. "That place looks like a hole" they would say, and keep going. But put a waiting crowd in front of that same little "hole" of a burger or pizza joint, and that will get their attention.

If a lot of people seem to like a particular person, whether they're a local person we can meet, or someone who is distant that we haven't met, we tend to assume that there's a valid REASON they are popular, and we tend to want to be included in that group. We can actually make a person MORE ATTRACTIVE to ourselves just by believing that they are more attractive (or wiser, or stronger) just because we are following the crowd. If we met this person on the street, all by themselves, we might not even like them. But because we see all these other people treating them like they are "likeable", "wise", "beautiful", "talented", or "funny", we go right along with them.

If a person seems unpopular because others don't seem to treat them well, or others aren't following them, or others are ignoring or criticizing them, we tend to follow THAT, TOO. If no one seems to like Albert, then the only people who will be listening to and sitting with Albert are people who don't follow the crowd, who listen and get to know people for themselves. Who think for themselves.
When Albert became famous for his brilliant physics theory, it was because a rare, intelligent person who doesn't follow the crowd was listening to him.
After Albert became famous, suddenly all these people who didn't take him seriously at all, who wouldn't even sit with him at lunch because he wasn't "anybody important", all wanted to be included and associated with him. Those crowd-followers would not have helped him up if he had fallen down right in front of them before, but now that he looks popular, they all line up to pretend they were his friend all along.

And so it goes with gossips. Anyone who seems "popular" to crowd followers will be listened to and believed, and anyone who seems "unpopular" will be ignored and disrespected by crowd-followers. The gossip who is followed by crowd followers can easily spread the most ridiculous and vicious lies and rumors, because people who are followers will just eat it up with a spoon, and spread it around some more.
Crowd-followers don't STOP and say "Hey, that's not a nice thing to say, why are you trying to spread negative things about that person? And how do you know if it's even true?"
Also, the minute the target of this gossip is seen as "unpopular", even if it's BECAUSE of those rumors, crowd-followers will abandon that person. They will scatter like passengers jumping off a sinking ship, or more like FLEAS off of a dog in a bathtub. It is NOT RELEVANT to crowd-followers who did what, what the facts are, who is actually the person who did wrong or right, they DON"T CARE ABOUT FACTS OR REALITY. ALL they care about is who is POPULAR. That's who they will follow and believe.

This is a GROUP SOCIAL BEHAVIOR tendency, most group animals will follow whoever happens to appear to be the leader at the time. That's where the reference to LEMMINGS comes from, lemmings (small rodents, like mice), will follow the crowd literally right off a cliff. They are ALL FOLLOWING EACH OTHER, no one is actually LEADING, everyone assumes that someone ELSE is watching out for the cliff. This is unfortunately very similar to human group behavior, which is why there have been so many huge atrocities led by the psychotic throughout human history.

The behavior is the same whether it's in government, politics, in business, in religion, against religion, in academia, or in the community or home. Crowd followers follow the crowd, period, regardless of any facts or reality. And even many who THINK they are NOT crowd followers simply pick a DIFFERENT CROWD to follow. It's difficult for group animals to think for themselves. Humans have the capacity to think for themselves, but it's much easier and much less intellectual work, and much more social, superficial reward, to just go along with the crowd.