Brain Parts

If one is trying to understand the written word or an observation with the part of the brain that processes emotions, there's a much lower likelihood that they will be able to comprehend what they're reading or seeing. If you don't like, are jealous of, or fear women, for example, you're not going to be able to understand what a woman is saying. If you don't like another race, you aren't going to hear what someone of that race is saying. Etc, etc. If you're afraid of dolphins, you're not going to be able to interpret their behavior or observe them objectively.

Nearing Completion!

Almost finished with my book! WOOHOO!

I think I'll call it "I Really Don't Care What You Think About This Book If You're A Narcissistic, Bullying, Dweebish, Entitled, Punk Ass Dork~ Why Do You Care About It At All? Go Do Something Useful"

I think it will be a huge hit!   :D

Chutzpah

It's not the weak, or the less powerful, or the less intelligent who listen respectfully and with interest while others speak; it's the strong, polite, and graceful.
It's not the strong or the more experienced who monopolize the discussion, argue, talk over others, or get bored when others are speaking; it's the immature.

Flirtation, Sexual Competition

The more dependent on others for survival a person is, the more they are likely to flirt with the opposite sex and compete with  members of their own sex.

The reason for this approval-seeking is because they are relying on the approval of the opposite sex to affirm their worthiness as a person, and to gain acceptance as members of the larger group. They instinctively know that the more people there are who accept them, (for whatever reason), the more likely they are to get help when they need it, and companionship (or sex) when they want it. They are less likely to be alone, which socially needy people have a very hard time with and fear, even if it's only temporary.

As long as they are getting the approval and attention of the opposite sex, needy people will compete sometimes viciously with members of their own sex for that approval and attention. They fear that they will be replaced; discarded for another. It's not really about mating, it's more about the larger social group.

Compulsions, Addictions, Symptoms Of An Unhealthy Environment

We tend to think of Narcissist abuse as between two people in a relationship, but it's not just that. The same patterns can be seen in elsewhere in many places, in corrupted groups, governments, businesses, organizations, and institutions. Where there are narcissists, there is manipulation and abuse, either toward it's own members, (within), or toward targeted others (customers, citizens, etc), or BOTH. It can be on a small scale or a large scale, the patterns are the same.

Take a look at people with addictions and compulsions. Most people develop addictions or compulsions as a way to escape or "deal with" a bad situation or a person. Birds pull their feathers out when they're anxious and caged, it's the only thing they can do when they're overwhelmed and feel trapped; it's a compulsion. They have to do SOMETHING.

Humans do that too, literally; they might pull their eyelashes or eyebrows out, they might scratch at their skin till it bleeds, they might cut themselves. They might smoke cigarettes, drink too much coffee, or self-sabotage at their job. They might drive too fast, or start fights, or drink alcohol, or take drugs, and/or over-spend money (self-harm via sabotaging one's own financial well-being).

They don't live in a bubble when they do these behaviors, and neither does the bird who pulls its feathers out. Why is the bird so anxious that it would self-harm that way? There's a reason. Birds who live in their natural environment (FREE) hardly ever do that. They feel mentally and emotionally healthy because they are BEING BIRDS, and not being controlled by bullies. They are free to flourish as their own individual potential, they are free to spend their time mastering flight, mastering food gathering, mastering nest-building, and mastering survival. They are spending their time in the company of other birds who are also mastering their skills and learning about their environment. No one is saying "you're too small to fly, go walk on the ground" or "you're not good enough to be one of our flock, get lost", or "stay inside this cage and don't argue while we go food-hunting" or "I am the food-hunter, you have to sit on the nest" or "you are our servant, shut up and go get us some seeds or worms to eat". They are living real lives. They aren't getting randomly attacked by groups of birds who are supposed to be their flock-mates, or being put down by jealous flock-mates. They have enemies, but their flock-mates aren't telling them they're WRONG about the cat lurking in the grass, and no one is blaming them for making the cat behave that way. They don't have a flock "leader" who is cruel to any bird who isn't serving the leader's whims.  (Many flocks do have "leaders", but it's not a "superiority" thing. It's just whoever happens to take the lead when it's time to fly, or time to eat, or time to rest, or time to nest. It's more like a group of genuine friends who are hanging out, and one person says "Hey the sun is going down, we should go home" and everyone says "oh yeah, thanks". One person might say "I'm gonna stay and watch the sunset, I'll be along later", and they all reply "okay, see you later!" An individual bird doesn't get punished, threatened, or shamed if they don't "comply", because it's not about ego or entitlement. Although, birds who live in captivity may display domination behavior toward their flock mates that can become abusive or even deadly.) If they get in a squabble with another bird, they openly DEFEND themselves, and also FLY AWAY. No one is telling them they have to TAKE the abuse from the other bird. They don't get triggered to self-harm because they are living as free individuals, they feel their own personal power, they don't have to sit there and deal with someone dominating them, using them, or trying to turn them into a pet or a servant. They deal with hardship and tragedy without turning to self-harm, or the destruction of the other birds. They keep each other warm in the winter, keep a look out for danger for one another, and don't make a big deal out of it, they just do it.
Yes there are happy pet birds, probably, but how do we know for sure? We can only know that they're NOT happy because of the self-harming behavior that they do, and the way they display anxiety in other ways.

So~ what would a CARING human do if their pet bird was showing signs of unhappiness and anxiety with self-harm, compulsive, erratic, or addiction behavior? They would immediately try to get help, they would want to know what they're doing to cause the bird's anxiety. If it came to it, they would give the bird to someone else, perhaps to a bird sanctuary where it could be with other birds and feel safe and happy.

What would an uncaring, narcissistic human do in the same scenario?
They would first blame the bird for the behavior, "This bird is nuts". They might ask for help, but if they didn't get the advice they wanted, such as "How to "fix" my crazy bird", then they would just ignore it. They don't want to hear they did or didn't do something to cause the bird's behavior, or that they should change something in the environment FOR the bird... Subsequently, they would keep doing the things they do that cause the bird anxiety, and they might do them MORE as a "Domination display". Like if the cat likes to jump at the bird, they wouldn't do anything about it, and might even encourage the cat. If the dog barks constantly and is causing the bird anxiety, they wouldn't do anything about that either, like put the bird in a quieter room, or keep the dog away from the bird. They would not let the bird out of the cage more, or get another bird as a companion, or separate birds who don't get along well. They might change the bird's diet... maybe... They would only give the bird away because they got SICK of the it, not because they cared about it and wanted it to have a better home. Basically, they have the bird as a pet because they enjoy owning THINGS. They don't actually care about the BIRD as a living individual.

With humans who self-harm and have compulsions from narcissistic abuse and environments, it's the same thing. Controllers will not give up control, they want MORE control. They won't change what they're doing because they notice signs of anxiety or depression in a person, they'll put all the blame on the person, and take zero responsibility. They WANT the person to have compulsions and addictions so they can control them, blame them, and shame them.

Many stories of "interventions" that are aired on television are clear examples of a narcissistic environment causing the addict to stay in a loop. The other members of the family or group blame the addict completely, and often even dismiss blatant physical abuse that the subject has endured from another member. They might even BLAME the subject for the abuse, as if they caused it. It's obvious why the subject has developed compulsions, addictions, and depression~ they have been caught in a web, a cage, of Narcissistic abuse often for years. Now they are going to have to heal themselves and get OUT of the cage, but first they need to recognize that there IS a cage. Then they're going to need to find healthy supporters so they can have somewhere to go when they get out of the cage.

It's all about shame, blame, anxiety, fear, emasculation (toward both males and females), and domination.

Keeping targets circling in their own emotional reactions IS the main strategy of Narcissistic controllers. It's all the same pattern, whether they are individuals in a relationship, friendship or family, the leader of a cult, a "pimp" in a prostitution ring, a gang leader, an organized crime leader, a drug dealing ring, a corrupt government politician, a corrupt business owner, manager or supervisor, or even coworkers.

When people see young girls in the street prostituting, why don't they pick them up and bring them home, and get them help? Why~ because people JUDGE, AVOID, and FEAR, and don't know the reality behind the girl's life, or the situation the girl is in. They don't know that pimps often convince the girls that they are their TRUSTWORTHY FRIEND, who is ON THEIR SIDE and UNDERSTANDS THEM, and will KEEP THEM SAFE. They don't get that the pimp will talk these kids into doing drugs and THEN prostitute them. They don't get that the pimps pretend to be a "business partner" with the girls, tricking them into believing they have personal power in this "business". They don't get that pimps will use SHAME and FEAR as a weapon, just like in any other Narc. relationship. Picture a pimp giving a girl drugs, putting her on the street after convincing her thoroughly that he is truly her friend, protector, and comrade, and then calling her a waste-product whore. They will use ANY TOOL OR WEAPON THEY CAN to keep their targets from leaving or talking.
Why are there SO MANY "customers" of these young girls that they keep the pimps in business?
WHY do pimps so often give these girls drugs?
WHY do the pimps wait for the girls to be influenced by the drugs before they threaten and beat them?...
WHY do people seem to FORGET that these girls are KIDS?
WHY do people find it so easy to just REJECT them, instead of helping them?
WHY DO THESE YOUNG GIRLS STAY, and not RUN AWAY?
WHY DID THEY RUN AWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE IF THEIR HOME ENVIRONMENT WAS SO FULFILLING AND HEALTHY?

And to be quite CLEAR, there are plenty of boys who go through the exact same hell.

IT'S NOT THE "WORLD", IT'S NOT JUST "HUMAN NATURE", IT'S PREDATORY NARCISSISTIC ABUSE.
INDIVIDUAL HUMANS WHO ARE NARCISSISTIC ABUSERS.

Like the evil queen in Snow White, or Captain Hook in Peter Pan, Lex Luther in Superman, Drizella Tremaine in Cinderella. In real life, they are all around us, presently and throughout history.
They are the evil dictator, the corrupt government official, the corrupt Wall Street executive, all the way to the abusive (but POPULAR) local coach, the charismatic AND hate-inciting or manipulative preacher, the controlling head of the PTA, etc. They are the drug dealer downtown, and the corrupt individuals in local government, police, and business.
They are the bully supervisor or coworker.
They are the neighbor who is always trying to rule over other neighbors, or display their "dominance" or "superiority" somehow, either overtly or passive-aggressively.
They are the "friends" who treat their "friend" like a doormat, a mascot, a workhorse or ATM, or a little brother or sister.
They are the bully kids at school who are mean to other kids, or who manipulate other kids to do things they wouldn't otherwise.

They are individuals who's goals are about manipulating, owning, using, and harming others. They get themselves in positions of "power" whenever they can, and they target whoever they can, and they COLLECT "supporters" any way they can, half of whom don't even realize they are "supporting" a con-artist manipulator.

It's all the same pattern as anything else:
shame, blame, anxiety, fear, emasculation (toward both males and females), and domination.

Take away a person's hope for the future, their personal sense of strength and power, their sense of autonomy, their confidence in their own capability, their pride in MASTERY of skills, knowledge, and building their OWN future, and you have a person who is more slave than alive, and they don't even know how they got there. And they probably don't see any way out, or any reason to believe that there is hope, or that they could have a better life.

Just like the bird who is overwhelmed with anxiety of being trapped and pulls its feathers out, or screams and squawks, or thrashes in its cage and injures itself, eventually if it doesn't kill itself, it will die of the physical effects of stress, or just give up. When the bird has no hope of escape or rescue, it will turn on itself. BUT if the bird DID have hope, if it KNEW that it could have a better life somewhere else, it would keep TRYING to escape, even while it's pulling its feathers out in anxiety.

Addictions and compulsions are SYMPTOMS of something else. Curing the cause always heals the symptoms.

If you're looking for a cure for the cause, 12-step groups can be of tremendous help because A ) they're free, B ) they're anonymous, and C ) there are people there who share similar situations D) free coffee . It's best to go around to find the ones that suit you, and there's no need to make PERSONAL connections outside of the group. Just sit in the back and listen at first, no diving in required; if your radar tells you there's something not right, you can just leave. 


DBT  (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) can be a boon to those suffering with the effects of a dysfunctional childhood, regardless of their "diagnosis", or the lack thereof.


Energy healing like Reiki and Theta can be very helpful, even if a person doesn't "believe" in it; just the caring presence of another human being can make a very large impact.

Al-anon is a support group for people who support each other in dealing with OTHER people, mainly geared for families and partners of alcoholics and other addicts, but the support is about learning how to understand and deal with the behavior and emotional issues in the whole family system.



~M.M.Black 2013

"Boys Don't Cry", "Men Don't Show Fear", "Women Shouldn't Work"

Men and boys are just as susceptible to being targeted as women and girls, by both male and female bullies and narcissists, both romantically and non-romantically.

One of the reasons the status quo used to be for women to not "interfere" with the "business of men" was, on the positive side, to protect them from some of the narcissist and whacked men that their husbands had to deal with all the time.

Narc. men don't want women "interfering in their business", but NON-NARC. men don't want those jerk-offs to insult or mess with their wives, mother, or daughters. Or sons either, but presumably sons were taught how to deal with these a******s. Basically males were taught to take the "front line" against the Narcs in the world so their wives could peacefully and productively teach and raise the children (both boys and girls), and have peace for themselves, and a safe space to study and create. It wasn't because the husbands thought the women were INCAPABLE at all. Bigotry is a narcissist thing. And on that same page, only narcissists thought men were categorically incapable of caring for children, cooking, clothes making, or anything else. (Again, innate bigotry is a narc. thing. Narcissists teach children skewed beliefs that reflect their bigotry, and so on, and so on.)

All those lines people hammered into boys like "Don't let them see you cry", or "Don't let them see you sweat", or "Don't let them hear your personal stories", "Don't let them see your emotions" "Don't let them see your fear", "Stand up tall and be a 'man'", "Protect women and children", they were INSTRUCTIONS about dealing with narcissists, and other bullies, and predators. Severe Narcissists see any emotion as a way in, they get a thrill out of attack and sabotage, and they attack women and children both because they like to, and also to hurt whoever is connected to them; we're all familiar with that crap.

"Never hit a girl or a woman" is another blanket teaching that is made into a "boy" thing ~  of COURSE you don't hit a girl, anyone with any common sense wouldn't in the first place! But guess what~ anyone with any common sense wouldn't hit a BOY either! This blanket "Boys should never hit girls" as if all girls are made of glass and all boys have superpowers was to drive it home to people with a little less in the sense department. It has a side effect that it gets taken completely out of context, and people seem to think it means "But it's OKAY to hit BOYS, because they're SO TOUGH"...

Taken out of context that advice all sounds antiquated, callous, and almost abusive, but IN context, it's very good advice. A balanced and aware parent would have explained to do these things for a specific REASON, not just in general, not just because their child happened to have male genitalia.

You DO let your WIFE see you cry! You DO show LOVE and your real gentle self to your children and wife! You DO recognize, acknowledge, and respect your wife as a REAL person, an equal partner, with actual strength, intelligence, and talent. You don't do all this "MAN" behavior at your partner and family, that's not what it's for. It was just instructions on how to deal with the narcissists in the world so you could get your goals met and collect a paycheck.

Women were not taught these things because they were being taught OTHER things, like how to be supportive of your husband after he just dealt with jerk-off narcissists all day. It makes sense in CONTEXT, but when people LOSE CONTEXT and start making it about some kind of "gender assignment" it destroys the reasons behind them, and everyone starts to believe one of two things~ either that all these things some kind of "Status Quo" and that you are shameful if you don't do them according to your gender, but have no idea WHY they were done in the first place, or that all these things had no legitimate reasons behind them (because no one ever taught them what the reasons were!).
No matter how "manly" a man learned to act in the male "business" world full of narcs, if you were emotionally and mentally healthy, you WOULD express your real self, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, joys, and silly sense of humor to your wife... you WOULD respect her intelligence tremendously, her point of view and her capability, and you WOULD NEVER treat her with disrespect or bigotry, not in a million years. Why would you, she was your PARTNER!
You would let her see you laugh AND cry, and ask her for advice on pretty much anything and everything, and the ONLY reason you wouldn't want her to go into the "working world" or have a career was because you were worried about misogynistic N's targeting her, NOT because you had any doubt that she was quite capable, or because you considered yourself "above" her.

Now, the war with bigoted control freak Narcs in business, arts, sciences, and government still rages on, more in some places than in others but still everywhere,  but some of the battles are over. Now both men and women, girls and boys, need to learn those "antiquated" instructions once again, but this time, remember WHY, what they're FOR, and WHO they're ABOUT. If you internalize "TOUGH GUY" behavior because it works in one place with certain people, you're not going to be able to "turn it off" when you're with other people. CONTEXT is the key, as are healthy boundaries and awareness. When you want to close a deal with an obvious Narcopath, you put on your extra armor. When you leave that meeting, you take it off!

~M.M.Black 2013

P.S. Only a narcissist would attack this post as "nonsensical", I can already hear the anxious whining and moaning, lol.

Self SERVing

Ever notice that when something or someone is hacked, a lot of hackers will claim that it was a protest against stupid laws and bad government or corrupt corporation, so they do things to DESTROY and screw things up, but they hardly EVER hack anything to HELP anyone. Why the hell would someone hack a person who sticks up for those who were treated like crap by control freaks? Why would a hacker attack a person who is ANTI-control freak? Why are they trying to WRECK things, when they could just as easily HELP?
Same amount of effort and expertise, no difference there. If it takes a genius to wreck something, then what kind of genius does it take to actually make something BETTER?

Why is the goal always destruction instead of helping someone, and actually accomplishing something real and positive, and help them to help OTHERS, and actually make the world BETTER instead of SUCK MORE??!

I would put specific examples here, but I don't think that's necessary, anyone who's smart enough to hack is smart enough to figure that out.

Every brick we lift is used either to smash something, or to build something. Before it's used, it's just a brick. After it's used, it has become either a weapon of destruction, or a building block of creation. WE choose which it will be.

Repentance

Christians repent their sins, or admit to their sins, and turn more toward God:

Repent
1

: to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life

2

a : to feel regret or contrition

b : to change one's mind 

 

Repentance is not a one time performance where a person dramatically asks for forgiveness for all their wrong doings, and then the curtain falls and they are "clean" forever, sinless as a newborn baby, unable to sin ever again. Humans commit sin, all the time. Pretty much all humans, regardless of their heritage, vocation, age, or religion. We commit sin in thought, word and deed, and half the time we don't even realize it. Envy is a sin. Wishing harm on another is a sin. Bigotry is a sin. Addiction is a sin because it's being tied to something outside of ourselves that we don't need for actual survival, which means it comes between us and our care for others, our responsibilities, our freedom, and God. (Smokers understand this; buying a pack of cigarettes as a priority even if you can't stand them and need the money for something else. Many people are addicted to coffee or soda but don't realize it's an addiction.) Arrogance and superiority are sins. Judging another person negatively is a sin, it blocks compassion. Road rage is a sin. When a man thinks they are naturally superior to a woman they are in sin, just as when a wealthy woman believes she is superior to a poor woman. Or either of those in reverse.

God is the Creator, not us; we don't get to say "Oh hey, you know those people you created, the ones that aren't the same as me? They didn't really come out good when you made them, so I'm not going to treat them as well as I treat the ones (like me) who came out GOOD. See? Look how you didn't do as good of a job on that part, and that part, and look at how they're kind of small in certain areas, see, you did a much better job on ME, and those who are like me."

Looking down on those who don't belong to one's church is a sin. Looking down on those who we think aren't "Christian enough" is a sin. Snubbing other church members or guests is a sin. We sin all the time in our little ways.

Repentance is not a one time deal, and believing that it is means ignoring all the teachings in the Bible about how humans are natural sinners. We can repent on Sunday, and feel completely cleansed and wonderfully renewed and redeemed, and then Sunday night we see a person on the television and think negative thoughts about them, or look down in judgment on someone walking down the road on the way home from Church. We require humility of ourselves (not of others, they're responsible for themselves). Repentance is a practice, since we are natural sinners, it's how we were made, and refusal to admit that is arrogance. There can be no repentance in arrogance, and we don't ever become superior beings because of our repentance. But we can be redeemed, thanks to God's mercy, when we make a practice of repentance.

Repentance is turning toward the Light so that we may see. Some of what we see is our own sins, and that's good, because then we can ask for forgiveness for them. When we sin we turn away from the Light, when we repent we turn toward the Light, and feel guilt and remorse, and this is a good thing. The more we turn toward the Light, the more we can see, and the more we will learn about ourselves and our sin habits.



Peace and light,
M.M.Black

I Know All About You! Narcissism And Assessment Of Others

• Narcissists do regular human immaturities but with the volume turned up, and they don't think it's wrong.
  ~ Like believing they know all about a person and that person's life, past and present; abilities, preferences, fears, motives, habits, and LACK of ability, experience or knowledge.
  They actually think they know what another person's "limitations" are, and what they do with their time, and what they have or have not accomplished, and why they do things.
  (Like all the people who assume they know why I write this blog, who have never actually asked me the question, or who have asked the question, but simply dismissed my reply (or even argued with me!) because they weren't actually interested in the answer, lol. Poor dears. )
  If they know the person, it's usually worse; a Narcissist will build a whole story around another person, and simply treat the person according to this fictional story, forever. They will not doubt themselves, they will not try to find out more about the person, they will literally ASSUME they know all about the person, as if the person's life and being could be written on a one-page biography and read in 10 minutes.
  Their over-confidence in their assumptions and assessment of others is truly astounding, and the lack of ability to take in real information about others (or about themselves) causes them live in a fantasy world. They completely trust their own assessments about everyone and everything, they think that whatever they THINK they see IS what there is. No need to find out if it's true or not... they already know... and if you tell them something different, they will simply say you're lying, or you don't know what you're talking about.

Women Against Women

A wonderful example of women focusing and magnifying judgment on other women way above and beyond male behavior. Red the Facebook post from this News Channel, and note the seriously heinous or weird crimes. Then, read the comments, which one do the 2 out of 3 women focus on?! A woman lying about having cancer draws a HORRIFIED reaction, but two sexual predators, a major drug ring, and a NECROPHILIAC CANNIBAL is not even noteworthy... of course they will have an excellent "reason" for their reaction... something like how the woman must have caused people so much pain and hardship (let's burn her at the stake!) UNLIKE the NECROPHILIAC CANNIBAL, the sexual predators, or the illegal DRUG ring. This is how bullies operate, they only focus on who they think they can get away with attacking, shaming, and magnifying, and avoid challenging anyone they see as physically, socially, or politically more powerful than themselves. (The exception to that is bullies who see a "more powerful" person as a challenge, but that's more common in male bullies than female bullies.)
(click on the post, it should be clearer to read)

Hating Narcissists

One of the obvious problems that happens with any kind of mass awakening and healing (racism, sexism, religionism, dictatorship, political corruption, narcissism) is that so many humans will just use it to make a NEW prejudice, a NEW "Us Against Them", and pigeonhole entire groups of people.
Such as:
Non-white Caucasians WERE oppressed in some countries at certain periods of history, denying that... is silly, it's real and it's true. What's NOT TRUE is that all Caucasians were of the same mind about it. If it were not for Caucasians who fought AGAINST it, risking life and limb, risking everything, it would not have been defeated. It may have been overturned in time, but denying that Caucasians fought with everything they had to defeat it is just as racist as the other way around. And YET, there are huge numbers of humans who actually DENY that, and desperately try to make every Caucasian the same, as if everyone born with lighter skin is automatically RACIST against anyone else. This is literally an insane belief, because it is so far from reality that it's not funny. Believing that all Caucasians are automatically racist is literally insane, like believing that the world is flat, even though there is obvious proof and evidence that it's round.
So, THEN, in response to this assumption by one racist group that all Caucasians are racist, certain Caucasians that rise to personal defensiveness about that pigeonhole all non-Caucasians as "Against US". So they can not even speak to a person of African descent without assuming that the person is against them.
They are ALL creating MORE racism, MORE problems, MORE drama, and MORE serious issues for the world, and for their poor children to have to deal with.
 
Also NOT TRUE: 
That white Caucasians have not been enslaved or oppressed, that's ridiculous, of COURSE they have.
That other races don't enslave or oppress other races, or their OWN race; throughout human history, and  right now as we speak in the world there is incredible oppression, slavery, and disgusting, horrific violence being committed BY other races, AGAINST other races, and against their OWN people, children included.  

Hate obliterates facts and reality. People who hate REFUSE to look at actual evidence or even at what's right in front of their face.

The awakening to Narcissism is causing a similar problem. We have every right to be pissed off, and vent, and expose it. We have definitely been mistreated, some of us for decades, by multiple people, in all kinds of way, in ridiculous ways that have oppressed us, hurt our very lives, our families, our futures, changed the entire course of our lives and of our loved ones.
We have finally found our voice, and a way to expose the methods and come together and find healing.
The one thing we really need to be careful of is that we don't do the "HATE" thing. That's what oppressors do, not us. Hate has NO POWER, and it's not the same thing as ANGER. I have every right to feel angry about the things that others have done to me, damn straight I do. Trying to shut down my anger is obviously just another Narc. tactic, one of the main strategies. But my ANGER is not the same as HATE. As soon as I start feeling hatred toward one of the people who have "Narc'd" me, I know I am heading toward a place that is not where I want to be, that is all about negativity, there's no light there, it's just acidic nowhere land. It gives me a temporary false sense of power and superiority, but it's where OPPRESSORS live, not me. Hate is the forfeit of reason, healing, learning, and growth. Hate is giving up, and laying down, and gets off on CAUSING pain. That's not who I am, or what I want for myself.

Hating all who show Narcissism traits is redundant anyway, every human on Earth has Narcissism traits. The "disorder" is when we are in DENIAL of having Narc. traits, because denying it means we can't GROW OUT of our Narc. traits. If humans weren't born with self-centeredness, most of us would die in infancy. The cries for "Feed Me!" "Change Me!" "I'm Tired!" "Pick Me Up!" are what prompts MOST adults to do any of those things in a timely manner, whether they want to admit that or not. We humans aren't automatically perfect, guru Parents just because we have a child (you can tell that by the state of the society), so babies and children HAVE TO be self-protective and express their needs so we do what they need us to do. (Being an overbearing parent who constantly gives a child what they THINK they need before the child can ever ask for it is not healthy either.)

We don't need to start another Witch Hunt, or another Prejudice "Us against Them" mentality, where we condemn every human who shows signs of Narcissism, that's actually a Narc. behavior all by itself.
All men aren't Narcs, all women aren't Narcs, all attractive people aren't Narcs, all people with BPD aren't Narcs, and further, all Narcs are not vicious and violent. They're just people who have a mental illness. Hating them actually gives Narcissism MORE power, because it gives them a sympathetic reason to defend themselves. You can see this in the same way people will sympathize with Misogynists (woman-haters) when they are defending themselves against fake feminists who are really just Anti-Male. They hijack the "Feminism" platform to spew their hate, and completely SKEW what feminism really is, which is what the Anti-Female groups WANT. (I personally have a feeling that some of the male-hating fake-feminists are political plants, like shills in a casino.)

When we hate, we put ourselves in darkness, in the same darkness the oppressor lives in.


~M.M.Black 2013

Women Who Bully Women

Narcissistic women like to "emasculate" other women. No one seems to notice, because of the gender conditioning in the culture.

>They like to treat another woman like she is a physical weakling, a child, a novice, a beginner.
>They like to treat another woman as if she is fearful, shy, anxious, or has low self-esteem.
>They like to treat another woman like she is NOT CAPABLE, either mentally or physically, or like she is terribly inexperienced.
>They LOVE to treat another woman as if she is mentally or emotionally unstable.
>They enjoy micro-judging and micro-managing another woman.
>They like very much to try and cast shame on another woman for anything she has, is, or does that they're jealous of. (Talent, money, possessions, recognition, friends, looks, etc.).
>They like to pull passive aggressive moves like withholding messages and information,  throwing things away, rearranging things, giving their target a smaller portion of food, a dirty cup, or even adding something to food without telling the target (like putting mustard on a sandwich when they know full well the target can't eat mustard, or putting medicine in the target's drink or food "for their own good").
>They enjoy making up fictional negative stories about the target and spreading them to family and friends, or revealing confidences that the target had entrusted them with.
>They love to get attention from men for their appearance, so they will often dress to the nines and act more "feminine" on purpose.
>They get a THRILL out of treating the MAN their target woman is with like Royalty, both in BUSINESS and in SOCIAL situations, and watching him respond to the ego stroking. Especially when the man seems to "forget" all about the woman he's supposed to be WITH. Both younger and older narc. women do this, they just use different tactics.
(Unfortunately most men fall for this hook line and sinker, both in business and social circles. If you find one that doesn't, who has awareness of both male and female manipulators, don't forget his name, he's rare.)
Narcissistic women will also use the male bias of OTHERS to control, manipulate, and diminish their target woman.
They also may adapt for themselves an attitude of anti-female bias that seems to mimic that of a sex-bigoted MALE. This may be an attempt to "fit in" with men; the Narcissist female of course wants to be associated with whoever she perceives as having the most power.

M.Black 

Facebook Experiment

The Facebook experiment is truly fascinating for those who use it as an observation station for human interaction. It reveals many of the social motivations of people, especially those who don't realize they're being observed. For example, most human beings don't listen to the points of views of others unless they already agree with them, or if they hold the person up as higher than they are. There are some who are able to listen and learn from others, but the percentage is low. Also, many will comment only on either posts they agree with and like, or posts they oppose, and they will express that in the comment (their agreement or opposition). Few will comment on a post to actually participate in a discussion about the topic, they seem to be only interested in making a "this is right" or "this is wrong" statement. Also, few people seem to be aware that social media are public forums. A small percentage of users are able to maintain decorum; it is common to see comments that are rude, impolite, personal, boorish and insulting toward the poster, which indicates either a purposeful attempt at humiliating the poster in front of others, or a lack of awareness of either the public nature of social media, or of basic manners. Attempts to display "higher status" and "dominance" are clearly visible on comment threads, something that is not so visible in face to face interaction (due to shifting emotional reactions during face to face interactions, physical appearance bias, and body language signalling.)
On a positive note, social media has also given a platform for anyone who has access to publish their point of view without being shut down, blocked, or sabotaged; this is the first time in human history that this has been a possibility. Also, social media has given people a way to participate in positive interaction that they may previously not have been able to, and make connections with new and old friends that they would not have otherwise, and this seems to increase the overall positive atmosphere in their lives and possibly in the world.

And no, in case you were wondering, Facebook is not conducting an experiment in human behavior as far as I am aware. I doubt they would even have the time.




~M.Black

Selfish Humans

Humans are naturally selfish, we are born that way, if we weren't most of us would not survive infancy. The ego is our survival, and it is also why it is so difficult to hear the words of another without inserting our judgment onto what they have said, whether their words line up with our beliefs or not. When someone says something that doesn't match what's in our heads, we have the opportunity to practice hearing. Hearing is not the same as agreeing or becoming indoctrinated, unless we have very weak boundaries.

If we make consistent effort, based on proper education, we can change the world. We are selfish, that’s natural, but we need to be wisely selfish, not foolishly selfish. We have to concern ourselves more with others’ well-being, that’s the way to be wisely selfish. We have the ability to take the long-term benefit into account. I think it is possible to make real change in this century. ~Dalai Lama

Effects of Narcissism On The Community

Entire communities and cultures can be sullied and destroyed by narcissistic habits of those who live there. Symptoms of this in the general population include:

>Increased fatigue and decreased overall health in the general population.
>Larger imbalances in material wealth and success (very wealthy and very poor, less and less in the middle; the perception of "middle class" becomes skewed and is actually "wealthy", but goes unnoticed). >Decreased pride in one's work, one's occupation, the company one works for.
>Decreased morale overall, increased sense of hopelessness and bleak future.
>Common language that is peppered with insults, judgments, and derogatory references to race and gender.
>Decreased arts and science in the community, both in schools and in the general community; only artists, musicians and scientists who have gained obvious material success are treated with respect. (It's the material success, not the person, that is actually being treated with superficial respect.)
>Lack of basic courtesy, manners, and respect among the population; in the community, in the street, and in the home.
>Increased crime, both "white collar" and street crime.
>Increased substance use and abuse, and denial and defensiveness about it.
>Increased incompetence in all areas and fields
>Lack of responsibility toward children, one's own AND the children of OTHERS, and lack of comprehension about what children need to grow up in a healthy way.
>Increased belief in "ownership" of children, and of other adults.
>Increased competition, especially for image and "status"
>Increased belief that there is some kind of "natural social hierarchy" among adult humans beings.
>Lack of ability to think abstractly.
>Increased assumptions that one's perceptions are correct and do not need further information or examination.
>Inability to have conversations about politics, religion, or "right and wrong" with calm respect, friendship and civility.
>Inability to listen to or see from the Point of View of those not in one's own group.
>"Victim blame" is common, and even defended as if it's a virtue or a strength.
>Lack of support, encouragement, and genuine friendship.
>A lack of awareness about what is wrong with gossip, shame, blame, insults, and condescension.
>Defensiveness of blatant racism and sexism.
>Lack of remorse and normal guilt in the general population.
>Lack of healthy self-confidence in the general population, increase in pride and arrogance about superficial things.
>Increased manipulation behavior, entitlement behavior, and bullying.

Blaming individuals for the state of affairs is counter-productive. Those who are to blame are easily identified, it is any person in the community who denies any responsibility or contribution to the negative atmosphere. Denial and avoidance are the real enemies.

The cure is simple and complicated at the same time. The infection spread out from an original source point, and so the cure, so to speak, will also infiltrate through an original source point.

Whosoever puts an effort into objective observation of the community and of themselves, who takes accountability for their own behavior, prejudices, attitude, and contribution to the negative atmosphere; whosoever tries to change themselves from being a negative influence to a positive influence changes themselves from a virus to an antibody. From a disease to a cure. From a cloud that blocks the light to a bright flame. It doesn't start from the "top", or from other people, unless they happen to be individuals who desire to transform as well. It comes from within ourselves. The more lights there are, the better we can see, the less anxious and fatigued we are, the stronger we are, and the less darkness we live in.

Who Is This "Narcissist" Person?

The narcissist is the one who is watching and judging what someone else is doing in their day to day lives, assessing how they look, believing they know all kinds of things about them, looking for excuses to judge them in a negative way, looking for excuses to have control over them, assuming they know all about their past and their present. 

A "friend" of a Narcissist is someone that makes them feel good about themselves, someone that gives them favors, presents, and privileges, and/or someone they can use for something. Someone they can control. Never someone who stands up to them, defends themselves, doesn't over-praise them, or doesn't allow manipulation; such a person will be promptly rejected and/or targeted for destruction. Narcissists don't make real friendships or partnerships. They make connections based on gain, ego, image and usage.

They can't be loyal, because they are only concerned with their own desires and whims; they live with the mantra of "if it feels good to me, then it must be okay for me to do". They won't forgo temptation just so they don't betray someone, whether it's sexual, emotional, or just ethical. Betrayal is about someone else's well-being, and that does not compute with a narcissist. 

Nothing is done that doesn't serve them in some way. Even their seemingly altruistic tasks for others are really just performances to SHOW that they're a "good person"; they'll fix the neighbor's porch for free on Wednesday, and then stand their girlfriend up on Thursday. They'll make cookies for a party on Friday, and backstab someone on Saturday. They'll volunteer for the church Treasury on Sunday, and rip off a client on Monday.

Narcissists don't reject people based on something they actually DID WRONG, they reject them because it gives them a feeling of the illusion of superiority over that person, and a feeling of power. That's why they frequently target people who are actually KINDER than they are, MORE talented, MORE generous, and MORE fair-minded than themselves. If the person is "physically attractive" as well, that can be a huge trigger for a narcissist (even if they are seen as "attractive" also). They can't stand for someone to stand near them that shines brightly in any way. (The exception to that is if they are standing near someone who they have put on a pedestal, who they want to be associated with, or who is a good ego-stroker.)

They will make up fiction (LIE) about what the other person did "wrong" that would justify their judgments and disrespectful treatment, or they will twist and magnify things that are perfectly normal, even GOOD, about the person, and try to turn them into "bad character traits". So they'll call a wonderful artist "loopy" or "strange"; a kind, generous neighbor "naive" or "dumb", a friend with a high IQ "weird", a physically attractive person "stuck-up", "loose", or "crazy", an outgoing, happy person "whacked" or "too hyper", a person who is trying to recover from trauma or illness "lazy", "crazy", "a loser", "dwelling in the past", or "a hypochondriac", a person who is in college a "career student" or "baby", a person who helps others and/or works for a cause "obsessed" or some other derogatory term, a person who is close to his or her parent a "Mama's Boy" or "Daddy's Princess".

EVERYTHING and EVERYONE revolves around them, and must be compared to them, and must be categorized, preferably as negatively as possible.
---Unless the person is someone they want to be associated WITH, and then that person is the most awesome, brilliant, strongest, kindest, most generous, talented, greatest person EVER... 





In communities with a lot of Narcissism, people will devalue THEMSELVES. This is not seen in healthy communities or families. This is to get a jump on the insults and devaluing from the bullies around them; self-deprecation takes some of the hair-triggers away from Narcissists who are always on the lookout for a person who is self-confident. The problem with this is that it leads to a culture of devaluation, and lower and lower self-esteem in the population. 

It's all about making their own image look good, innocent, magnanimous, sweet, caring, trustworthy and kind, and making the other person look and/or feel bad. It has nothing to do with the reality of either the narcissist or the other person. But, since so many people are so eager to hurt and diminish others, they easily swallow any negative implications that makes the target seem like a "bad" person. (It takes much less work to judge and diminish someone than it does to be a genuine friend and take responsibility for one's self, and they get a little thrill out of diminishing that person to boot. The people who go along with the narcissist's gossip and bullying are also narcissistic.)

The Narcissist can't just be a good person, they have to be BETTER than someone else. They can't just be an expert, they have to be the TOP expert, i.e. BETTER than someone else. They don't want just healthy, civil respect, they want to be treated as MORE DESERVING of respect than someone else. They have to have someone to be "Better Than", and if there's no one around, they will target someone and try to MAKE them into a "lesser" person than themselves, by hook or by crook. 

NOT all people with Narcissist traits and behaviors are aware of themselves, and some of them might not even know what they're doing is wrong. One might have parents that raised them that way, as if those behaviors ARE "good manners", or even "normal" in their culture. Another might have cognitive issues. Another might have neurological damage, and/or severe trauma, or have serious drug side effects. There are all kinds of real reasons why people display narcissistic behavior. It's important to understand which it is for several reasons, both for the person with Narcissism and for anyone near them. The narcissist may need medical attention, and may need someone to keep looking for professionals who have the skill set and capability to help them; and those near the person need to know the best way to deal with the behavior and keep the damage to themselves and everyone else to a minimum. Distance may be required. We can't help anyone effectively unless we are safe and healthy first.

Point Of View

Seeing the world only through the Point Of View of "What I Am", physically, is a developmental delay. It means I have not matured past a certain childhood age.
>In other words, if I only think of "real people" as those who are the same sex as me, or the same race, age, and background as me, I am not fully mature. So when I write or speak, I communicate as if the only  people listening are exactly like ME, and no one else matters, or is REAL.

Severe Narcissists will commonly tell sexist jokes, racist jokes, use derogatory sexist language, all as if it's NORMAL, as if the WHOLE WORLD is racist and sexist, with supremacy issues, just like them.

It is common for Narcissistic people to speak in only male or female point of view, and write in only male or female point of view, as if the ONLY people who matter are those who are exactly like them, physically. They also often do this with their race.
They will often have the EXPECTATION and assumption that their interests, preferences, and life experiences can ONLY BE UNDERSTOOD by those who are physically the SAME as they are. So if they are a man and they like to FISH, they actually seem to believe that FISHING is a MALE-ONLY thing, and women wouldn't "get it". It has to be, right? Because THEY like to do it, and they are a man, and they are superior; therefore men are superior, and fishing is superior, so they go together...
If they are a woman and they like to GARDEN, then they actually seem to believe that gardening is a FEMALE THING, and only women could like or appreciate gardening.

This is where it gets interesting, however~
Since Narcissists are obsessed with illusions of hierarchy, whichever sex they think is "superior" will be treated with more respect. SO, if the culture is Matriarchal, a MALE narcissist will give more credit and respect to women than to other males. Obviously, female narcissists would revel in being considered "superior" by both sexes.
If the culture is Patriarchal, it's reversed, a FEMALE narcissist will give more credit and respect to MEN than to other females. Obviously, the same applies; male narcissists revel in being considered "superior".
And to make yet another addition~ the above is not universal, because narcissists are also prone to prejudice and team playing, so if they are prejudice against one sex, it won't matter which one is considered 'superior' by the society at large, they will devalue that entire gender. Or race, if that's their prejudice. Or both. And, even if THEY ARE that gender or race.

Bias for one's own sex shows up more commonly in males than females, again due to social learning. Male narcissists don't need to learn how to treat females with respect in order to get along in many cultures, and may not have even been taught to- but female narcissists do, and are usually taught that showing respect for males is necessary and important in order to fit in. Narcissists often immerse themselves in the fictional "hierarchy" around them, even exaggerating it, sometimes to the point of cartoonishness.

My Partner Won't Listen To Me - Narcissism And Selective Hearing.

Selective hearing is inherent in narcissism. It's as if they are listening FOR certain things, not listening TO others. They seem to be scanning for something they want to hear, for something they can USE, or for an opportunity to oppose, condescend, shame, or pontificate (i.e. dominate). They will tell you about themselves for an hour straight, speaking as if it's a reciprocal conversation (answering questions you ask and making eye contact), but as soon as you start talking about yourself they shut down. Some even act like you are "hogging" the conversation the moment it's not about them. If you make a joke, they will not laugh; they'll either re-tell the joke so they are the ones who get to tell it, or they'll act like it was stupid. If they do listen to you talk, their responses will often be unsolicited advice and condescension. They will give you advice from something YOU told THEM the week before, as if they just thought of it. They will argue and oppose you just to feel dominant. They will talk over you and try to raise the conflict and hostility level, and then say that it was you doing that when you raise your voice in response. They will insult you when they can't "win" the argument they started. They will change the subject even if you are in the middle of expressing something important~ actually, ESPECIALLY if you are. They will ask you 10 questions in a row and demand that you answer every one of them to their liking, but you can ask the same question 30 times and never get an answer. The only person a narcissist will actually listen to is a person who they think is "higher" than them in some way. And that may not last long if they become personal with them (when they find out that "higher up" is just a human, they'll want to dominate them, too, if they can). 
The only way to "fix" this is to understand it, and heal yourself from the effects of being treated like a ghost. A good couples counselor will be able to see this dynamic, but a bad one won't (because they may have the same affliction) so be aware if you go see someone. Healing for yourself is actually more important than healing this relationship problem, the other person may not ever change this, and it will take a serious toll on your health. Learn detachment, in other words, treat it like you would if you found out they have a different kind of illness that makes them behave erratically, that they can't help. Not the same as letting them walk on you; it's more like backing away and seeing it from a distance, or a bird's eye view, so you can see the whole picture, in the way you would with someone you don't know well. For example if someone told you their brother had mental illness before you met him, you would be aware of it, and not take his behavior nearly as personally. You would know he is coming from a place of illness, and that he can't help the way he behaves or speaks very much. You would have a boundary in place, and not keep trying to get him to treat you with respect or normal friendship. If he was over the top, you would put more distance between you and him, and naturally be cautious, but not judgmental, angry, or feel victimized. This is how detachment works, we unattach ourselves from the situation and person, and see them from farther away, instead of from up close. 

Kim and Steve Cooper have a course in curing Narcissism, you can find it here:
http://www.narcissismcured.com

The catch is that the person with Narcissism is the key to healing it, they have to want to heal, which means they have to be aware that there's something "wrong".

Name Dropping And Narcissism

Name-dropping is another common behavior of those with narcissism. There are two sides to this coin: they "drop names" to show that they're one of the "important people", and want to be associated with them~ and at the same time they will accuse others of "name dropping", or accuse them of making things up. So they will do things like referring to politicians, celebrities, local prominent people in the community, even upper management at their business or popular people using first names, and talk about them like they're just "one of the people they know". But they will also treat others like they are MAKING IT UP or SHOWING OFF whenever they refer to a famous or wealthy person they really do know. They'll have this reaction EVEN IF the "famous person" is a member of that person's  own family.
It's classic projection. The Narcissist "name drops" in order to make others believe he or she is "in" with "important people", so when someone else mentions a famous or popular person, they project that same motive onto them. So even if your Mom actually IS Whoopie Goldberg, a Narcissist will treat you like you are "name dropping" or "showing off" whenever you mention her. Even if YOU are Whoopie Goldberg, a narcissist will treat you like you are "name dropping" every time you talk about your coworkers who happen to be celebrities, or when you talk about a past memory that includes someone famous or "important" in it.
Narcissists can't STAND people who have had more recognition, accomplishments, fame, or connections with "famous" or "important" people than they have. If they know you personally, they HAVE TO be "more important" than YOU. So not only will they try to "out shine" you, but they will also try to diminish anything and everything you say and do that twinges their ego.

Flower Children

A peace warrior who acts like a warmonger is not a peace warrior anymore, they're just another warmonger.

Why Control Freaks Always Seem To Be Successful; Power Positions

Narcissists are often in positions of control and power and have more worldly success for the simple reason of skewed priorities. That's what they aim for: control, power, and worldly success, and they just step OVER everything and everyone else.

Their goal is not to learn everything they can about their field, their subject, or their job, and become very good at it just for the sake of doing the best they can, or their passion for their interests; nor is it to contribute to the well-being of their partners, children, families, friends and communities. It's just to WIN, to get theirs, to grab and maintain control, to be seen and known as a Bigger Fish, to get to be the boss.

Like doing an obstacle course race, but "winning" because they went around most of the obstacles. They didn't actually DO them, but they didn't get caught because they charmed the judges. Anyone who points out that they cheated will be called a whiner, a liar, or a poor loser by not only the narcissist but also the judges who fell for the "charisma".

They don't bother with things like giving credit where credit is due; they'll hide credit due to others, and take credit that's not theirs.
They don't pay attention to what kind of values a new "friend" has, it's the connections, charisma, or assets he or she has that matter.
They aren't going to risk being BORED in order to spend time or talk with some older or younger, poorer or richer, "smarter" or "dumber" family member, especially if they don't get to dictate what the plans are, aren't getting something tangible out of it, or aren't going to be the center of attention in some way.
They will NOT risk spending time with a person who they know they've treated disrespectfully in the past; they might have to actually deal with what they did or didn't do. If they have to spend time with that person, they will adamantly avoid genuine conversation.
They aren't going to "waste their time" or "risk their reputation" standing up for a person in their life who is being disrespected, harassed, or abused by someone else.
They don't "have time" to stop the car because they hit someone else's dog, they have a meeting to get to!
They don't have time to listen to the boring, silly, negative droning of others about their trivial trials and tribulations, they need that time to talk about their own big important problems! They don't have the time or patience to be "fair", to take account for their actions, or to self-examine.
They have places to go, connections to make, rooms and stages to dominate, thrills to catch, ego to inflate, ladders to climb, image to maintain, and money to see. 

They "aim high" and they get there, because that's ALL they are aiming for. They eschew everything else.

They'll also be the ones to shame another person for aiming high and accuse them of being narcissistic, because that's the easiest way to knock out the "competition": convince them to stop trying. This shaming/bullying tactic only works well on non-narcissists... only non-narcissists will fall for it and drop out of the competition. Then those non-narcissists will be called "losers" by the narcissists who are still racing as fast and as hard as they can, to keep them from trying again.

At the finish line, most of those still in the race are those who didn't stop to help anyone, who knocked others down, tripped them, ambushed them, who ran over anyone in their path, who cheated as much as possible, who plied, charmed, and bribed the judges, and who left behind anyone who helped them in the dust. There will be some non-narcissists at the finish line as well, some of the strongest people we'll ever meet, but they won't be heard bragging about it. They'll just be grateful, and probably exhausted from dealing with the dramatic narcissists who turned what SHOULD HAVE BEEN a fascinating, fulfilling Nature Walk into a "Death Race" movie.

Boundaries, Hyper-Sensitivity, Thin Skin and Healing

Boundary injuries and weakening are extremely common in those who have grown up in dysfunctional homes and/or communities where there is bullying and manipulation. One of the results of this can be "hyper-sensitivity" to other people's words and behaviors. If our boundaries are weak, or injured, we will of course be more reactive in order to protect ourselves.

Our personal boundary is like a psychological/spiritual/emotional version of physical skin. Both are our essential protection; boundaries protect our "selves", and skin protects our bodies. Both sense and feel everything that touches us, either emotionally/mentally/spiritually OR literally and physically. If something hits us too hard, it causes discomfort or pain, which causes us to take some kind of action, usually evasive maneuvers, which minimize the damage to what is essential and sensitive underneath.

So one of the consequences to having weakened boundaries can be what looks like "hyper-sensitivity". But really, we have to be more vigilant if our boundaries are weak in order to protect ourselves. If I had burns all over the skin on our right arm, I would be "hyper-aware" of letting anyone come near it, and "hyper-vigilant" of brushing against anything with it. I would change the way I walk and go about literally everything in order to protect that right arm. I would transfer most tasks to the left arm, and lead my whole body with my left side. I would essentially be hiding my right arm from the world, protecting it. If something did touch or scratch it, I would already know the pain would probably be ridiculous, and any scratch could cause more damage and/or infection.

If someone came up to me and slapped me on the right arm, even in jest, "Hey how are ya!" I would probably jump to the ceiling. Most likely, I would feel searing pain, and because of that, searing anger and defensiveness. I probably would not realize or care at that moment that the person had no idea I had been burned. I might start yelling at the person, blaming them, even cursing them out, with no remorse or guilt. Even though they truly did not know.
I am in hyper-defense mode.
IF that person had done exactly the same thing a week earlier, I would have barely even noticed that she slapped me on the arm, and I would have no negative emotional reaction at all. Same exact action from HER, completely different from ME.

I would probably not go anywhere that seemed like a risk, where I couldn't protect my arm. I would be anxious at the store, at work, even walking down the street. I would be "hyper-vigilant" about other people's behavior and actions, and I would not trust them not to brush by me, run into me, or scratch me, either accidentally or because they're a jerk.

If I saw someone who was acting like a bully in any way, I would really be worried, because I have a lot of experience with bullies. If this bully notices my burned arm, it is MORE likely he or she will do something to try to hurt it, just for kicks. And if this bully does NOT notice my burned arm, he or she might hurt it anyway just from their regular bull-in-a-china-shop behavior. Either way, if someone is acting like a bully, I will go into hyper-protection mode and get my arm out of there.

We protect our boundaries in the same way. When we have weakened or injured boundaries, we go into hyper-protection mode. We have to, because they are not strong and healthy enough to withstand the slings and arrows of regular every-day human behavior. And like the awful pain when the friend slapped the burned arm, our weakened boundaries can't tell the difference between a joking slap and a hostile slap, they both are just very painful.
In reality, human beings are not nearly as mature and gentle as the High Elves in Lord of the Rings, or as sweet and lovely as Tinkerbell, we're more like a bunch of clumsy monkeys. Even the nicest, kindest, and most giving humans can come off as callous or uncaring sometimes. When our boundaries are weak we can misinterpret a clumsy human for an uncaring human, or a funny human for an arrogant human, or even a worried or scared human for a grumpy or mean human. We might defend ourselves from those who aren't actually trying to hurt us, like defending ourselves from the friend slapping the burn (who didn't know). We might see another person as much more dangerous than they are, much more hostile than they are, or much more POWERFUL than they are, because we are in hyper-protective mode.

Just like our skin, we need our boundaries, and we need them to be healthy in order to navigate the world. If our skin is healthy we don't really even think about it, we even forget it's there half the time; we work and run and jump and walk, we carry things, we run into corners and walls and brush against trees without even paying much attention (imagine doing all that with severe burns~). If our skin is healthy, we can even get in a play-scuffle with a friend, or play with the dog or cat and handle their claws and teeth, or hike through underbrush and thick trees, or swim in the ocean, go outside in the winter, or get pelted with hail or paintballs. Healthy skin absorbs nutrients, is actually ALIVE, and feels everything from very pleasant to very unpleasant as a NORMAL function.
If our skin is NOT healthy, we're probably going to stay inside and hardly do any of those things, because we need to protect it until it heals.

If our boundaries are strong and healthy, we can joke with our friends, poke fun and laugh at our own "flaws" and "foibles", deal with condescending strangers, get what we need at the store without anxiety, deal with arrogant "professionals" with aplomb, drive without getting very angry or frustrated, deal with bullies in person, online, or on the phone with finesse and with very little anger or anxiety. We don't worry and stress much about what other people are doing or not doing, even our partners, kids and family members, unless we actually have a serious alarm bell going off, like "danger" or "robbery" (and those bells should be going off very rarely; if they're frequent, there's another problem, either yours or theirs; see a professional psychologist).

We don't worry nearly as much about what "consequences" other people will give us if we don't jump through their hoops or cater to them. We are much more likely to notice manipulative behavior, and much less likely to take it seriously. We are much less likely to let it stop us, block us, or dissuade us from completing our projects, reaching our goals, or having a good day. (It's more like ~"what are you doing that for?" or "okay...um, I have to go, see you later"~ THAN ~"oh no, here we go again" or "I can't do this it's too stressful" or "I hate him/her!" or "I hope they don't get mad".~)

We don't have to fake being calm, cool and collected; with healthy boundaries we actually ARE calm, cool and collected most of the time.
We don't have to put up a "tough" image to keep bullies away before they even come near~ that is a form of hyper-protection, and we don't need to do that if our boundaries are intact and healthy.
IF our boundaries are very healthy and strong, we won't even NOTICE a lot of the silliness that other people do, and if we do notice, it won't slow us down or stop us even for a minute, unless it actually interests us for some reason. Just like walking through the woods with or without a burned arm~  without the burn, we just go, we navigate and maneuver, but we don't get caught on branches or have to keep going around or cutting down anything prickly or scratchy. We just go THROUGH. Because it doesn't HURT, and we're not protecting an injury.   

It's easy to see why serious bullies, controllers and abusers TRY to weaken, damage, or strip away the boundaries of their targets. It renders them "skinless", and they end up much easier to control because they are in protection-mode, and feel weak and confused.
The most effective way to heal and to keep OUT bullies and narcissistic abusers, and to get LIFE back, is to focus on healing our own boundaries. Not building walls, not barricading ourselves, and not being "hard", defensive or hostile, but real healing. It can definitely be done, and it's truly essential for real recovery.
And... it feels like FREEDOM :)  (because it is!)

Generation X

An excellent way to convince entire generations NOT TO prepare for their own futures is to convince them that there might not BE one. Also, get them to believe that there is nothing they can do about it! That they can not be part of the "movers and shakers"!
Jedi Mind Tricks! Don't let them get you!

Anger And Status

One of the preferred methods of convincing a person that they don't have real personal power is to challenge, oppose, and invalidate their anger. If a target expresses anger, even if the reason for the anger is obviously valid to everyone, they will be treated as if they are acting "out of line", or "silly", "whiny", "crazy", or "negative".
The purpose of this belittling is to display "higher status", and to "knock them down a notch".

Expressing anger openly and freely is a privilege that is only afforded to those of higher rank in a primate group, and is seen as a freedom of status. Anger expression is USED as a POWER DISPLAY by both status-displaying primates and status-seeking humans (think "display" as in Silverback Gorillas beating their chests).

SO when a person who is NOT a status-monger expresses anger GENUINELY who does NOT use it as a social power and status display, they won't know WHY they are being treated with disrespect and condescension. It doesn't make sense, because it's completely out of context. Further, their confusion feeds the status-seekers, who will often go further and further with their belittling and invalidating behaviors.

In other words, when status-seeking humans display anger and hostility, they aren't actually just doing it because they are ANGRY. They are doing it as a Power Display. They learned a long time ago to use a display of "anger" as a way to try to display how "powerful" they are.
When NON-status seeking humans display anger, they are actually ANGRY about something that really happened, they aren't playing at a power and status display.
BUT~ any status-seekers who are within EARSHOT of a non-status-seeker's expression of anger will RESPOND AS IF there is a "game" afoot. They hear the "anger display" not as an actual expression of emotion or frustration, but as a CHALLENGE, and they will try to DOMINATE the other person as if that's what THEY are doing.

~Much like a Silverback Gorilla would probably think you were challenging him for his status position if you frantically swatted a swarm of flies that landed on your shirt. You aren't actually challenging him, but that's what it looks like to him, because that's what HE does. He doesn't THINK about what you're doing or not doing, he just responds to his assumption. Humans have similar compulsive reactions to rank-challenges, whether they're real or not. 

Unlike Gorillas, humans try to pretend they don't create and maintain social hierarchies like the other Great Apes. Humans want to believe they are above that sort of thing, but this base, non-intellectual, counter-productive behavior is evident to those who know what it looks like in groups of humans everywhere.

Rhode Island Legalizes Same Sex Marriage

Alright! Congratulations! Rhode Island! 


If marriage is Religious, it should never have been a civil ceremony in the first place. And if it's going to be included in government, then sorry, someone else's religious beliefs about WHO can or can't marry WHO CAN'T apply. It should not be civil, period. It should only be a religious and private ceremony, because it's a RELIGIOUS CEREMONY...hellooooo... Not real difficult. But since it got enmeshed into the dysfunctional governmental process, now you don't have a choice, you have to make it actually non-bigoted and non-partial. (SUCKS, DON'T IT! NEXT they'll be letting GIRLS into COLLEGE! What the hell is this, some kind of "Freedom Land"?!?)

Saying that only men and woman can marry each other because religious doctrine and same sex people can't...that's like saying only people with blue eyes should be allowed to drive a car because Thor had a chariot and he was a Viking. (I would sign that law! Hells yeah! Get about 80% of drivers off the road! No more road rage, no more getting CUT OFF on the HIGHWAY by MORONS! Way less cars! But I would be being a bigoted ass, now, wouldn't I?! And we don't do the bigotry thing here in America...lol..)

(Oh to my "friends" who "hate" gay marriage, please know that I don't give a crap what you think anymore than you ever gave me one iota of respect. (You CAN'T, women, blonds and/or short people aren't real "people", (whichever thing you use)  like you and your buddies, right? Lol. Oh wait, you respected me until you saw this post right? Haha! Another excuse.)  Unfriend me, please, do me a favor. And message me so I can remember who you are, my short term memory is starting to fade.