If they don't care about you as a person, they
aren't going to care about your opinions, or your well-being either.
You're just going to have to stop looking for reciprocal, caring support
and normal respect from those who aren't capable of giving it. You
don't expect your dog to rub your back when you've been working all day,
even though you feed him, care for him, and rub him every day; or your...
goldfish to make you soup when you're sick, even though you clean his
tank and feed him. Some are capable of reciprocal care and respect, and
some just aren't. Some are not even capable of seeing anything at all
that you do, or hearing what you say, or remembering anything you've
done, said, or been through. They just aren't, no more than a parakeet
is capable of helping you figure out how to build a plane. All you can
do is accept it, and learn from observation, and look elsewhere for real
support and friendship
Get Off The Political High Horse (Elephant)(Donkey)(etc)
Using
political labels to say who is "right" and who is "wrong", who is
"GOOD" and who is "BAD"... does not create unity, but only creates
separation. All of the political ideals have merit in some ways, and
cause detriment in other ways, but humans have a hard time with this;
they want one thing to be ALL BAD and the thing they like to be ALL
GOOD. Ideas are not people, ideas are not alive, ideas do not create
things. People who do things like identify themselves with an idea, and
vilify anyone who does not go along with the "side" they have chosen
voluntarily create separation. Just doing what primates do, identifying
with a group, and calling the other group "THEM", instead of leaving
ideas where they belong, in objectivity-land, where they can be viewed
without bias and learned from, without becoming a cult.
Proving You're A "Good Person" To A Narcissist
No matter how much you help, how much you
give, how long you listen, how many things you do, how hard you work, it
will never get through to a person with Narcissism. They need you to be
the self-centered one, the petty one, the dumb one, the crazy one, and
you can not do anything to prove otherwise, ever. You could become a nun
or a priest, go on a mission and succeed in saving the entire contin...ent
of Africa from tyranny and starvation, and they would still see you in
the same exact light. You see, anything about you that is not about
them, any attention you pay that is not to them, anything you do that
doesn't serve them, they will always see as you're "wrongdoing". You
could listen to them talk about their problems for 5 hours, literally,
and they won't notice; but the moment you bring something up about
yourself, even for a minute, their alarm goes off. They don't actually
see reality, they see a construct of their own imagination, created to
make them feel better about themselves. It will not change, ever, so let
it go, put your focus on the world beyond them. It's still there, even
if they have convinced you that it's not, and you're still a full
member, you belong, even if they have convinced you that you never did.
You really, really, really do.
Patriarchy Matriarchy Humanarchy
A culture that consistently calls women who
aren't afraid to speak their minds "characters", "brave", or
"intelligent", and men who aren't afraid to speak their minds "bitches",
"crazy", or "out of line", is ultimately doomed to fail. Or was it the
other way around?.. well it doesn't matter, it's the same result either
way.
Blame Game: Narcissism
Question:
"
"EVERYTHING, AND I DO MEAN EVERYTHING.
They are INCAPABLE of accepting responsibility for ANYTHING.
To a narcissist:
Youre hurt? YOUR FAULT
They disrespected you? Nope. YOU'RE too sensitive.
You feel lonely? YOURE TOO NEEDY.
You see the pattern. The only thing a narc would cop to are GOOD things.
Great party? THEIR idea.
Great sex? They're a sexual god..."
~ After Narcissistic Abuse There Is Light And Love
Find this excellent resource page and support forum on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?ref=stream&__req=c
"
"EVERYTHING, AND I DO MEAN EVERYTHING.
They are INCAPABLE of accepting responsibility for ANYTHING.
To a narcissist:
Youre hurt? YOUR FAULT
They disrespected you? Nope. YOU'RE too sensitive.
You feel lonely? YOURE TOO NEEDY.
You see the pattern. The only thing a narc would cop to are GOOD things.
Great party? THEIR idea.
Great sex? They're a sexual god..."
~ After Narcissistic Abuse There Is Light And Love
Find this excellent resource page and support forum on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442?ref=stream&__req=c
Don't Call Them Liberals
The people in modern America who keep calling themselves "Liberals" actually fall under a different political ideology. A history-genius friend of mine pointed me in the direction of "Statism", under which there are several subcategories. The term that describes the people who keep claiming to be "Left" and "Liberal" are actually much closer to "Authoritarians".
"Authoritarianism, on the other hand, views a strong, authoritative state as required to legislate or enforce morality and cultural practices. The ideology of statism espoused by fascism holds that sovereignty is not vested in the people but in the nation state, and that all individuals and associations exist only to enhance the power, prestige and well-being of the state. It repudiates individualism and exalts the nation as an organic body headed by the Supreme Leader and nurtured by unity, force, and discipline. Fascism and some forms of corporatism extol the moral position that the corporate group, usually the state, is greater than the sum of its parts and that individuals have a moral obligation to serve the state.
Click on the Wiki link to read, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statism
"Authoritarianism, on the other hand, views a strong, authoritative state as required to legislate or enforce morality and cultural practices. The ideology of statism espoused by fascism holds that sovereignty is not vested in the people but in the nation state, and that all individuals and associations exist only to enhance the power, prestige and well-being of the state. It repudiates individualism and exalts the nation as an organic body headed by the Supreme Leader and nurtured by unity, force, and discipline. Fascism and some forms of corporatism extol the moral position that the corporate group, usually the state, is greater than the sum of its parts and that individuals have a moral obligation to serve the state.
Click on the Wiki link to read, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statism
LIBERAL MEANS WHAAA ...?
Newsflash: You can't actually be a "Liberal" and be anti-Christian at the same time, or anti-gun ownership. Time to find a new word to describe the club.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liberalism
Liberalism (from the Latin liberalis)[1] is a political philosophy or worldview founded on ideas of liberty and equality.[2] Liberals espouse a wide array of views depending on their understanding of these principles, but generally they support ideas such as free and fair elections, civil rights, freedom of the press, freedom of religion, free trade, and private property. Liberalism first became a distinct political movement during the Age of Enlightenment, when it became popular among philosophers and economists in the Western world. Liberalism rejected the notions, common at the time, of hereditary privilege, state religion, absolute monarchy, and the Divine Right of Kings. The early liberal thinker John Locke is often credited with founding liberalism as a distinct philosophical tradition. Locke argued that each man has a natural right to life, liberty and property[8] and according to the social contract governments must not violate these rights. Liberals opposed traditional conservatism and sought to replace absolutism in government with democracy and the rule of law.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liberalism
Liberalism (from the Latin liberalis)[1] is a political philosophy or worldview founded on ideas of liberty and equality.[2] Liberals espouse a wide array of views depending on their understanding of these principles, but generally they support ideas such as free and fair elections, civil rights, freedom of the press, freedom of religion, free trade, and private property. Liberalism first became a distinct political movement during the Age of Enlightenment, when it became popular among philosophers and economists in the Western world. Liberalism rejected the notions, common at the time, of hereditary privilege, state religion, absolute monarchy, and the Divine Right of Kings. The early liberal thinker John Locke is often credited with founding liberalism as a distinct philosophical tradition. Locke argued that each man has a natural right to life, liberty and property[8] and according to the social contract governments must not violate these rights. Liberals opposed traditional conservatism and sought to replace absolutism in government with democracy and the rule of law.
Relationship Choices
When we decide to join with someone in friendship, companionship, who has set themselves on a path of healing, discovery, or enlightenment, we are making this choice with our eyes wide open. This means respecting their journey, their choices, the direction they walk, the things they are doing, learning, and sharing. We are not entering into a leader-follower relationship. We do not get to tell them what they should or should not be doing, or talking about, or where they should go or not go. If we can not respect their path and are compelled to control them, argue with them, put them down, try to get them to stop learning, sharing, and doing what they do, then we need to simply leave them be.
All friendship and companionship is a choice, there is no one in our lives whom we are entitled to treat with less respect than another. (And we wouldn't want to, unless we are wrapped up in trying to prove ourselves Greater than another.)
All friendship and companionship is a choice, there is no one in our lives whom we are entitled to treat with less respect than another. (And we wouldn't want to, unless we are wrapped up in trying to prove ourselves Greater than another.)
Point Of View
If we see two people arguing, most of us take the side of the person we identify with. We identify with them for various reasons; maybe the talk like us, look like us, or remind us of someone we like. Maybe they are the same gender or the same race. Maybe they belong to the same political party, or the same club, or have similar interests. Maybe they like something that we like, or express an opinion that we agree with.
Taking sides is common, but it means we have decided that we will hear only one point of view, as if the person we have chosen is "right", and the other is "wrong", across the board. We no longer hear each person objectively. We stop hearing what each person is actually saying, and we back the PERSON instead of the actual discussion points. We are against the other PERSON and therefore dismiss and oppose everything they say, and again do not hear any of the actual discussion points.
Taking sides is common, but it means we have decided that we will hear only one point of view, as if the person we have chosen is "right", and the other is "wrong", across the board. We no longer hear each person objectively. We stop hearing what each person is actually saying, and we back the PERSON instead of the actual discussion points. We are against the other PERSON and therefore dismiss and oppose everything they say, and again do not hear any of the actual discussion points.
Peace
The trick to peace within our own hearts is to put it in the hearts of others. When we desire peace within the hearts of others, all others, especially those who we tend to feel anger toward, that is when we feel it within our own hearts. Until then, we go round and round in circles, trying to get peace for ourselves from a void, trying to make it happen with intellect, trying to prove that we deserve it. The trick is simple, all we have to do is stop thinking about how we deserve it, or who deserves it, and just give it to others. It can only be created by giving, not by taking. Like lighting a fire in the stove to receive its warmth. We are not going to get warm by trying to make the air give us heat, we have to actually make the fire outside of ourselves. Then all who come near can be warmed by its flames. Getting angry at the fire and throwing water on it, destroying it, takes our own warmth away. The warmth we were receiving. Peace is like fire, we can only receive it, and feel its warmth, if we create it outside ourselves in the hearts of others.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays to all who are having another celebration!
Whatever you are celebrating, Peace and Joy to you, and may warmth, light, and love flood your being, your heart and your soul.
Needy People, Bad Daughters, Weak People, Crazy Mothers, Stupid People
Is your daughter crazy, a slob, a bitch?
Is your girlfriend too needy, too verbose, doesn't do what she's told?
Is your boyfriend driving you crazy with his affection, or his effeminate behavior?
Are you sick of your mother thinking that she can do anything that a man can do, and wish she'd just accept the fact that she's just a woman and has limitations?
Does it drive you nuts how wussy your friend is, and how he doesn't ask for your advice?
Do you constantly think your son is in need of correction, or doesn't deserve your approval as a person?
Are you disgusted by the way some people don't keep up a sparkling image with their clothes, their hair, their car?
Do you hate people who seem to have everything handed to them?
Does it get on your nerves when people who just SHOULD NOT DO what they "think" they're good at keep doing it anyway?
Do you believe that everyone has the exact same start in life, and some just choose to fail?
Do you notice when people make mstiakes, and believe that these mistakes are evidence of their incompetence as a human being?
Do you believe that everyone who does not share your point of view about all things is an idiot?
Does it piss you off when someone wants you to listen to their point of view, or to treat them with the same respect that you expect from them?
Do you honestly believe that you are always the one being attacked, and that you are never the one doing the disrespecting?
When you read something that does not have your name in it, or is not addressed to you, do you assume it's about you anyway, or against you, and not consider the possibility that it was never about you, but since you identified with whatever was written, you assumed it was?
You might want to look this up, here's a link (click on it): Narcissism
See if you can find your name.
Is your girlfriend too needy, too verbose, doesn't do what she's told?
Is your boyfriend driving you crazy with his affection, or his effeminate behavior?
Are you sick of your mother thinking that she can do anything that a man can do, and wish she'd just accept the fact that she's just a woman and has limitations?
Does it drive you nuts how wussy your friend is, and how he doesn't ask for your advice?
Do you constantly think your son is in need of correction, or doesn't deserve your approval as a person?
Are you disgusted by the way some people don't keep up a sparkling image with their clothes, their hair, their car?
Do you hate people who seem to have everything handed to them?
Does it get on your nerves when people who just SHOULD NOT DO what they "think" they're good at keep doing it anyway?
Do you believe that everyone has the exact same start in life, and some just choose to fail?
Do you notice when people make mstiakes, and believe that these mistakes are evidence of their incompetence as a human being?
Do you believe that everyone who does not share your point of view about all things is an idiot?
Does it piss you off when someone wants you to listen to their point of view, or to treat them with the same respect that you expect from them?
Do you honestly believe that you are always the one being attacked, and that you are never the one doing the disrespecting?
When you read something that does not have your name in it, or is not addressed to you, do you assume it's about you anyway, or against you, and not consider the possibility that it was never about you, but since you identified with whatever was written, you assumed it was?
You might want to look this up, here's a link (click on it): Narcissism
See if you can find your name.
End Of Time
Take me on a trip
And burn my lungs
I'm waiting for you to burn my mind
You heard me out, as I quietly sung
The discomfort of my imagination.
Love in my life will never last
That's not negativity, only reality
And the lustful lights are hidden beneath this grass
Where they fill his eyes made of black seas
So here I am now choking on these desperate speaking lies
... While its doing it's job and scorching my mind,
I sing the melody I sang ever sense birth
And scream the wanted feeling of self assurance...
I want to call it mine
I feel it's the end of time .
by Hannah Mariotti
12 20 12
And burn my lungs
I'm waiting for you to burn my mind
You heard me out, as I quietly sung
The discomfort of my imagination.
Love in my life will never last
That's not negativity, only reality
And the lustful lights are hidden beneath this grass
Where they fill his eyes made of black seas
So here I am now choking on these desperate speaking lies
... While its doing it's job and scorching my mind,
I sing the melody I sang ever sense birth
And scream the wanted feeling of self assurance...
I want to call it mine
I feel it's the end of time .
by Hannah Mariotti
12 20 12
Why Do People Ignore Me
"ASK THE THERAPIST: 'WHY DO PEOPLE IGNORE ME' "
(Answer at the bottom of page)
Q. I don’t know why, but people ignore me all the time. I try to be friendly at work or what very little social situations I might be in, but when I speak, they just look away. I could be walking down a hallway at work, say hello to someone, they look right at me and keep walking. It makes me feel like I could die inside.
I attend a group exercise class 3 nights a week, and everyone talks out loud to the instructor or the rest of the class, but when I say something, everything goes quiet, and my comment is totally ignored.
I really am a friendly, funny and intelligent person. Being the last of 4 children in my family, I’ve learn to be the ‘comedian’. I tried that angle too, but to no avail.
I have absolutely no friends. My last ‘friend’ was in elementary school (I am 43 now), and I just recently found her contact info on a website, and we started communication, but now she won’t respond back to my last (only 2nd) email. I re-read it over and over to see what possibly could have turned her off, but I cannot find any reason.
My husband doesn’t understand. He is a very sociable guy. Men and women are naturally attracted to him. When we are with his friends, again – when I speak they just turn away and start speaking with him.
I sometimes think it’s a low self esteem issue, and that people might see right through it, and this somehow turns them off. I don’t know. I also noticed this happens much more with women than men. I don’t think I’m ‘trying too hard’, because I know that can be a turn off too.
I find myself fantasizing about how they would feel if I committed suicide or something. Please help.
ANSWER:
(revisited)
The answer is very simple, you are completely surrounded by what are called "Organic Portals". Humans devoid of self-awareness, they avoid humans who have full awareness. In order to deal with your presence as a fully aware Human, the only thing they can do is shut down and deny that you exist. Your awareness shows like a bright light, and they feel fear, so they react with denial. They know that you can see them, so their habits of social manipulation will not work on you. They feel exposed like a deer in a spotlight, so they try to hide from you by acting like they are invisible (deer and other animals do this as well). These Organic Portals do not practice what is commonly known in aware-human circles as "civility", "common courtesy", "empathy", or "grace". Without the ability to think in the abstract, they have limited cognition; they are mostly in survival mode, and live only within group-mind. In other words, they do not "think" on their own, they mimic those around them, and rely on positive or negative feedback from those they have frequent contact with in order to know what to do or say most of the time. They are usually anxious when alone, and will not respond to greetings or civility from non-OPs unless they fear consequences for not doing so. They rarely initiate polite speech or gestures unless they anticipate reward, or fear consequences. They respond to emergency by freezing and staring, or by running or hiding (you have probably seen the videos on YouTube where groups of them walk right over an injured man in the street, a woman who has had a stroke in a store, or watched without moving while a man drowned). They will not make a move to help another human, especially a non-OP, unless they have someone to follow. They often follow "bully" type personalities, which is why you so often see "leaders" of large groups who are obviously abusive; OP's are mesmerized by the bully personality, and display relief to have a "leader" to follow. Often they will fall to worshipping this "leader" as if he is a deity. (OPs usually follow males, especially tall males. If they have a choice between two males to follow, they will always pick the taller male with the deeper voice.)
You need to steer clear of this type of human, as they are known to create groups and become hostile. They are triggered easily, even just by noticing that you are not one of them can be enough. Their attacks can range from minor social discomfort to damaging the life and livelihood of their target. Some even more aggressive behavior can include physical attacks on property and even on your person. If you must come into contact with them, avoid their gaze, do not approach them directly; they consider this a challenge. Speak in soothing tones, compliment them subtly, try to mimic their body language and facial expressions, and do not engage them in any conversation unless they initiate it and lead it. Do not disagree with them or express an opinion or observation, unless you are sure it echoes something they have already said, or something their current "leader" has said. It is safest, however, to simply agree with everything they say, and avoid speaking first. Basically, remain aloof, but appear compliant and agreeable. Do not let them get close enough, either physically or relationship-wise, to see that you are not one of them. Your best bet is to simply seek out those like yourself so you can relax and speak freely, and enjoy real human interaction, which is pleasant, joyful, safe, polite, rejuvenating, and RECIPROCAL. In the meantime, be safe!
(artistic license in use)
(Answer at the bottom of page)
Q. I don’t know why, but people ignore me all the time. I try to be friendly at work or what very little social situations I might be in, but when I speak, they just look away. I could be walking down a hallway at work, say hello to someone, they look right at me and keep walking. It makes me feel like I could die inside.
I attend a group exercise class 3 nights a week, and everyone talks out loud to the instructor or the rest of the class, but when I say something, everything goes quiet, and my comment is totally ignored.
I really am a friendly, funny and intelligent person. Being the last of 4 children in my family, I’ve learn to be the ‘comedian’. I tried that angle too, but to no avail.
I have absolutely no friends. My last ‘friend’ was in elementary school (I am 43 now), and I just recently found her contact info on a website, and we started communication, but now she won’t respond back to my last (only 2nd) email. I re-read it over and over to see what possibly could have turned her off, but I cannot find any reason.
My husband doesn’t understand. He is a very sociable guy. Men and women are naturally attracted to him. When we are with his friends, again – when I speak they just turn away and start speaking with him.
I sometimes think it’s a low self esteem issue, and that people might see right through it, and this somehow turns them off. I don’t know. I also noticed this happens much more with women than men. I don’t think I’m ‘trying too hard’, because I know that can be a turn off too.
I find myself fantasizing about how they would feel if I committed suicide or something. Please help.
ANSWER:
(revisited)
The answer is very simple, you are completely surrounded by what are called "Organic Portals". Humans devoid of self-awareness, they avoid humans who have full awareness. In order to deal with your presence as a fully aware Human, the only thing they can do is shut down and deny that you exist. Your awareness shows like a bright light, and they feel fear, so they react with denial. They know that you can see them, so their habits of social manipulation will not work on you. They feel exposed like a deer in a spotlight, so they try to hide from you by acting like they are invisible (deer and other animals do this as well). These Organic Portals do not practice what is commonly known in aware-human circles as "civility", "common courtesy", "empathy", or "grace". Without the ability to think in the abstract, they have limited cognition; they are mostly in survival mode, and live only within group-mind. In other words, they do not "think" on their own, they mimic those around them, and rely on positive or negative feedback from those they have frequent contact with in order to know what to do or say most of the time. They are usually anxious when alone, and will not respond to greetings or civility from non-OPs unless they fear consequences for not doing so. They rarely initiate polite speech or gestures unless they anticipate reward, or fear consequences. They respond to emergency by freezing and staring, or by running or hiding (you have probably seen the videos on YouTube where groups of them walk right over an injured man in the street, a woman who has had a stroke in a store, or watched without moving while a man drowned). They will not make a move to help another human, especially a non-OP, unless they have someone to follow. They often follow "bully" type personalities, which is why you so often see "leaders" of large groups who are obviously abusive; OP's are mesmerized by the bully personality, and display relief to have a "leader" to follow. Often they will fall to worshipping this "leader" as if he is a deity. (OPs usually follow males, especially tall males. If they have a choice between two males to follow, they will always pick the taller male with the deeper voice.)
You need to steer clear of this type of human, as they are known to create groups and become hostile. They are triggered easily, even just by noticing that you are not one of them can be enough. Their attacks can range from minor social discomfort to damaging the life and livelihood of their target. Some even more aggressive behavior can include physical attacks on property and even on your person. If you must come into contact with them, avoid their gaze, do not approach them directly; they consider this a challenge. Speak in soothing tones, compliment them subtly, try to mimic their body language and facial expressions, and do not engage them in any conversation unless they initiate it and lead it. Do not disagree with them or express an opinion or observation, unless you are sure it echoes something they have already said, or something their current "leader" has said. It is safest, however, to simply agree with everything they say, and avoid speaking first. Basically, remain aloof, but appear compliant and agreeable. Do not let them get close enough, either physically or relationship-wise, to see that you are not one of them. Your best bet is to simply seek out those like yourself so you can relax and speak freely, and enjoy real human interaction, which is pleasant, joyful, safe, polite, rejuvenating, and RECIPROCAL. In the meantime, be safe!
(artistic license in use)
Asperger's Vs Narcissism
Asperger's vs. Narcissism, the difference is vast, like night and day. The main difference is that Asperger's do not have agendas toward others; Narcissists live in agenda. The Narcissist is the "man in charge" or "woman in charge" and always seems to STAY in charge no matter what crap he/she pulls on others, and always presents the shiniest image he/she can, and always finds a way to get people to follow or believe him/her*. People don't hold him accountable, they don't criticize him, they don't confront him, they give him EXTRA respect, they let him run the show. People seem to ignore and excuse everything shady he does, and will often side with him against his targets, regardless of what he has done (they will minimize what he has done, and blame the person he did it to). Narcissists have mastered "cult of personality" and blame avoidance, INSTEAD of mastering how to treat others and how to be accountable.
In stark contrast, the Asperger's person seems to have a hard time keeping friends, or making new ones, and often must fight to be heard even when they are the most knowledgeable or experienced in the room. It's all about social signals~ Asperger's people may often wonder what the hell they did wrong THIS time, when really they did nothing wrong, they just didn't send the "right" social cues that say "I Am Cool" "I Am Popular" "I Am Someone To Follow", and most importantly, they don't find it a GOOD thing to send these signals, and frankly often find social sycophancy (ass kissing) repulsive and divisive (which it is). Asperger's people will often give the shirt off their back, only to get dismissed and ignored by the very people they gave it to, because they don't send the social signals of "I Am Important And It's In Your Best Interest To Treat Me As Such". They just do what they do, and say what's on their mind, (sometimes at great length). If an Asperger's person could download what they're trying to communicate instead of having to articulate it so others can understand, they would be ecstatic.
Very basically: Asperger's is focused on "building a better box"; on the box itself, on how it's made, on improving it, on what else it can be used for, on other boxes like it, and often wants others to hear about the box and their ideas, share in their enthusiasm, or at least be understanding or respectful of their enthusiasm about "the box". Narcissism is focused on getting CREDIT for "building a better box" (whether they built it or not), getting SEEN AS the "box-builder", getting credit for being the Most Expert Box Builder, how the box can be used to make themselves money or to further their PERSONAL agendas, how to hide the fact that someone else built the box.
Asperger's wants people to get along, wants peace, wants unity, wants a good and happy life not just for themselves but for everyone, all together. They would rather be "one of the gang" (or left alone) than the Leader, even if they are the smartest person in the room. They might not mind being the Leader, but only if they're not going to be wrestled and hassled about it; they've got much better things to do than fight for the "top spot".
Narcissists want all of these things only for THEMSELVES,(and sometimes for others they include in their circle), and they don't care who they have to hurt to get it, and they do everything they can to stay in control of the people around them without being noticed as a Controller.
Narcissists discard people, devalue people, project status on others; they play people like chess, and they may actually believe "that's how it's done". They don't feel remorseful for doing it, they don't feel bad for the things they do. Narcissists often receive way more respect than they have earned, because they are good at presenting Image.
Asperger's wants everyone to be friends, and just wants to be treated with normal consideration and respect, but they often receive much less respect than they have earned because they do not present Image by tailoring what they say to match the desires of others.
The Narcissist will probably catch your eye and seem "above" all the rest, and you may seek his approval and friendship. You may seek to side with him against those he targets, convinced of his innocence and good character.
The Asperger's person may catch your eye in the same way, but if you're the average human, you will probably end up being dismissive toward them, and not seek their approval, and not worry about consequences when you speak to them. You may even think of them as "inferior", and become annoyed at their talents and abilities, and expectations of normal respect.
Think of it this way: When we see the Narcissist, we think "Successful" and "Going Places", so we want to "hitch our wagon to their star". When we see the Asperger's person, we may think that at first, but we soon lose that feeling of seeing them as "Above". It's not about the real person underneath, it's about the image that the Narcissist is showing, and the Asperger's is not showing. The Narcissist believes he or she is a Star, and deserves extra respect, regardless of his or her actions; the Asperger's just wants to be appreciated for what he or she really does. You can bully an Asperger's person and they will become upset, and feel very hurt, they may go into a meltdown due to your disrespect. If you try to bully a Narcissist, they will try to destroy you or your reputation. If you even stand up to a Narcissist against their bullying, they will retaliate tenfold. Asperger's will be angry and defend themselves, but they won't do all kinds of control freak retaliations.
(Narcissists often target Asperger's people; they like to use them as "sidekicks" and exploit their loyalty and talent; however when the Asperger's person figures out what's going on, the Narcissist often turns on them with a vengeance in order to avoid being exposed. Remember the bullies in school who picked on the smart kids, the "wise-ass" who's buddy was a "nerd" and seemed to put up with the insults and the drama, the mean kid who had the nice friend, the super smart girl who the teachers didn't protect or encourage, the super smart boy who was labeled weird but always stood up for himself anyway.)
Article on the distinction between the two, here:
http://ic.steadyhealth.com/misdiagnosing_narcissism_aspergers_disorder.html
* to make text less cumbersome to read, he/she and him/her was replaced in certain parts with just "he" or "him". Neither Asperger's nor Narcissism are exclusively "male".
In stark contrast, the Asperger's person seems to have a hard time keeping friends, or making new ones, and often must fight to be heard even when they are the most knowledgeable or experienced in the room. It's all about social signals~ Asperger's people may often wonder what the hell they did wrong THIS time, when really they did nothing wrong, they just didn't send the "right" social cues that say "I Am Cool" "I Am Popular" "I Am Someone To Follow", and most importantly, they don't find it a GOOD thing to send these signals, and frankly often find social sycophancy (ass kissing) repulsive and divisive (which it is). Asperger's people will often give the shirt off their back, only to get dismissed and ignored by the very people they gave it to, because they don't send the social signals of "I Am Important And It's In Your Best Interest To Treat Me As Such". They just do what they do, and say what's on their mind, (sometimes at great length). If an Asperger's person could download what they're trying to communicate instead of having to articulate it so others can understand, they would be ecstatic.
Very basically: Asperger's is focused on "building a better box"; on the box itself, on how it's made, on improving it, on what else it can be used for, on other boxes like it, and often wants others to hear about the box and their ideas, share in their enthusiasm, or at least be understanding or respectful of their enthusiasm about "the box". Narcissism is focused on getting CREDIT for "building a better box" (whether they built it or not), getting SEEN AS the "box-builder", getting credit for being the Most Expert Box Builder, how the box can be used to make themselves money or to further their PERSONAL agendas, how to hide the fact that someone else built the box.
Asperger's wants people to get along, wants peace, wants unity, wants a good and happy life not just for themselves but for everyone, all together. They would rather be "one of the gang" (or left alone) than the Leader, even if they are the smartest person in the room. They might not mind being the Leader, but only if they're not going to be wrestled and hassled about it; they've got much better things to do than fight for the "top spot".
Narcissists want all of these things only for THEMSELVES,(and sometimes for others they include in their circle), and they don't care who they have to hurt to get it, and they do everything they can to stay in control of the people around them without being noticed as a Controller.
Narcissists discard people, devalue people, project status on others; they play people like chess, and they may actually believe "that's how it's done". They don't feel remorseful for doing it, they don't feel bad for the things they do. Narcissists often receive way more respect than they have earned, because they are good at presenting Image.
Asperger's wants everyone to be friends, and just wants to be treated with normal consideration and respect, but they often receive much less respect than they have earned because they do not present Image by tailoring what they say to match the desires of others.
The Narcissist will probably catch your eye and seem "above" all the rest, and you may seek his approval and friendship. You may seek to side with him against those he targets, convinced of his innocence and good character.
The Asperger's person may catch your eye in the same way, but if you're the average human, you will probably end up being dismissive toward them, and not seek their approval, and not worry about consequences when you speak to them. You may even think of them as "inferior", and become annoyed at their talents and abilities, and expectations of normal respect.
Think of it this way: When we see the Narcissist, we think "Successful" and "Going Places", so we want to "hitch our wagon to their star". When we see the Asperger's person, we may think that at first, but we soon lose that feeling of seeing them as "Above". It's not about the real person underneath, it's about the image that the Narcissist is showing, and the Asperger's is not showing. The Narcissist believes he or she is a Star, and deserves extra respect, regardless of his or her actions; the Asperger's just wants to be appreciated for what he or she really does. You can bully an Asperger's person and they will become upset, and feel very hurt, they may go into a meltdown due to your disrespect. If you try to bully a Narcissist, they will try to destroy you or your reputation. If you even stand up to a Narcissist against their bullying, they will retaliate tenfold. Asperger's will be angry and defend themselves, but they won't do all kinds of control freak retaliations.
(Narcissists often target Asperger's people; they like to use them as "sidekicks" and exploit their loyalty and talent; however when the Asperger's person figures out what's going on, the Narcissist often turns on them with a vengeance in order to avoid being exposed. Remember the bullies in school who picked on the smart kids, the "wise-ass" who's buddy was a "nerd" and seemed to put up with the insults and the drama, the mean kid who had the nice friend, the super smart girl who the teachers didn't protect or encourage, the super smart boy who was labeled weird but always stood up for himself anyway.)
Article on the distinction between the two, here:
http://ic.steadyhealth.com/misdiagnosing_narcissism_aspergers_disorder.html
* to make text less cumbersome to read, he/she and him/her was replaced in certain parts with just "he" or "him". Neither Asperger's nor Narcissism are exclusively "male".
Signs of a Controlling Guy
This post is about controlling boys and men, so if you are a man who has found the page, try reading it without defensiveness; try imagining that you are the other person in the relationship reading this, or that's it from the point of view of a woman you respect. Put yourself in the shoes of someone else. If you want to apply this to a woman you know who you think is controlling, much of it can be applied by changing the sex from he to she, although not every single point, due to the gender-roled society and era we happen to be living in. (If you already do all that, good, welcome to this page and happy reading.)
Signs of a Controlling Guy
Letters like these come in to our “Ask the Therapist” column every week:
“My boyfriend freaks out if I go out with my friends for an evening — even though he hangs out with his friends almost every day,” says Angela. “I love my boyfriend to death but he’s always putting me down,” says Katie. “Every weekend we have to go see my boyfriend’s mom but he doesn’t want to spend any time with my family. It’s gotten so I have to lie if I’m going to see my own sister,” says Kieshi.
Angel’s letter is only a little different: “I used to have lots of friends but my boyfriend wants all my time. I used to think that was romantic. Now I’m scared I’m losing most of my friends.” And Melody echoes several other letters when she says, “My boyfriend is always accusing me of coming on to other guys when we’re out. Guys do look at me but I don’t invite it. It’s gotten so I don’t want to go out any more cuz we always end up in a big fight about it.”
It’s almost as if these young women are in relationships with the same guy who just zips himself into a different outer suit to appeal to the woman he’s with. In the name of romance or commitment or love, he increasingly limits his girlfriend’s life and chips away at her self-esteem. This is what is meant by a “controlling” boyfriend.
Why do some guys act like this? Generally it’s because they are scared of the vulnerability that comes with loving and trusting someone. They may have been betrayed by a former girlfriend and fear being hurt again. They may have grown up observing relationships where the man held the upper hand by controlling the woman. Their self-esteem may be so low that the only way they can be sure that someone will stay with them is to make the girl’s self-esteem even lower. Whatever the reason, it isn’t good for them or for the women who had the misfortune to fall in love with them. Relationships built on distrust and control are unhealthy. Relationships where love is held hostage don’t last.
There are some common signs of a controlling guy. If you recognize your boyfriend or yourself here, you may want to take a step back from the relationship. But please be careful not to jump to conclusions based on a list. It’s not at all uncommon for people to have some of these characteristics some of the time. When people get scared, they often try to get things back under control.
Signs like these become a problem when they become a pattern. If your guy shows some of these behaviors but will talk about them with you and will work consistently on making change, it may be worth it to hang onto the relationship. Part of becoming a couple is negotiating how you will manage different tastes, different opinions, and different ways of operating in the world. It’s the guys who regularly behave in a number of these ways (especially those who get physical) and who see nothing wrong with it that you have to be concerned about. A guy whose standard operating procedure is “my way or the highway” is someone who is more interested in being in charge than being in a relationship of mutual respect.
7 Warning Signs of Men Who Need Too Much Control
- You are his everything. Sounds great, doesn’t it? It’s not. When a guy needs to be attached to you at the hip and you can’t do anything without his say-so, it’s a big red flag. Sure, it’s normal to be with each other constantly in the first blush of new love. But if it goes on after the first few months; if it limits your ability to do things independently; if it means that you have no privacy; then it has become an issue of control.
- You find yourself losing contact with family, friends, and activities you once enjoyed. He may not even like you to be on the phone or Facebook or email unless he’s around. He always has a reason. He says he doesn’t like how so-and-so takes advantage of you. He says he wants you to spend more time with him. He says your family is too controlling. Some of it even sounds like it makes sense. But over time your boyfriend has isolated you to the point that you don’t have many friends anymore and your family complains that you are neglecting them.
- He has different rules for you than he has for himself. He gets to hang out with the guys. You don’t get time with your girlfriends. He makes plans for both of you but flips out if you do the same. He flirts with other girls when you’re out but makes sure you have eyes only for him. He insists on his right to privacy regarding his phone log or his email account or his Facebook password but gets angry if you draw the same boundaries.
- He invites, then insists, that you join in his life but isn’t interested in getting to know yours. Over time, the two of you end up spending your time going to events and doing only the things that interest your guy even if you’re not terribly interested. You rarely if ever do things you love to do. You may justify it at first, figuring that you’re more flexible, that you want to get to know his friends, that it’s cool that he wants to teach you about his interests, that getting him to go to one of your events isn’t worth his sighing and his restlessness and his comments. But somehow you end up making all the compromises and feeling like you’ve lost something that was important to you.
- Finances are a big issue. Somehow you’ve ended up either not having any money
of your own or spending it all on your life together. This is one of
those issues where opposites produce the same outcome. In some
controlling relationships, the boyfriend gradually, or not so gradually,
does little or nothing to support the couple. The girlfriend finds
herself working all the time to keep the bills paid and food on the
table while he “looks for work” or “waits for his band’s big break” or
drops in and out of school or simply does nothing but make promises that
tomorrow it will be different.
On the other end of the spectrum is the guy who says that he will
take care of his girlfriend, that she doesn’t need to work, that he
needs her at home, that real women take care of their family. All that
would be fine if the couple had a reasonable way of sharing and managing
the family income. But the controlling guy doles out an allowance like
it’s the last dollar and doesn’t let his girlfriend or wife in on many
of the financial decisions that affect both of them. She ends up even
further isolated and dependent on him.
- He is never at fault. In fact, he is phobic about blame. The controlling guy always finds a way to make you feel that anything that goes wrong in your relationship is all about you. If you have a complaint, he will quickly move the conversation to all the things you’ve done wrong since the beginning of time. Instead of discussing your concern, you find yourself on the defensive. Instead of working out a compromise, you feel you have to give in or the fight will go on forever.
- Often these relationships become physically abusive. If the guy is controlling because he doesn’t trust you, he may lose it when he is suspicious. Sadly, it doesn’t take much to make him suspicious. What generally follows are accusations, blaming, relentless grilling, and anger. When we’re talking about something as ephemeral as trust, it’s almost impossible to defend oneself. How do you explain away something that never happened in the first place? Not satisfied with the girlfriend’s answers, the guy gets increasingly frustrated and, though he’d never admit it, scared. It’s not uncommon for the guy to get physical at that point.
Resources
If you are afraid to end your relationship, you need help and support to stay safe. Call the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence at 800-537-2238 or visit their website at www.ncdsv.org/.
People Who Hate Laughter
People who don't like it when other people laugh freak me out.
There are exceptions to this of course; people who find it funny to cause pain or humiliation also freak me out, and their laughter is often of the nails-on-a-chalkboard variety. They aren't in mirth, they're in creepy monkey domination. But genuine, honest laughter at funny things is divine, a wonderfully healthy experience that literally heals body, mind and spirit, and bonds healthy people with each other. Not the same thing as following a crowd, laughter bonding is when healthy people with good boundaries connect because they each, individually, find the same thing funny, they aren't copying one another, which makes the bonding genuine and uplifting.
People who don't like it when others laugh:
Comedian Robert Lynch who is also a doctoral student found that self-deception influences a person's ease in laughter. Meghan Holohan writes about his observations here:
http://bodyodd.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/05/21/11760729-people-who-dont-laugh-easily-are-only-fooling-themselves?lite
There are exceptions to this of course; people who find it funny to cause pain or humiliation also freak me out, and their laughter is often of the nails-on-a-chalkboard variety. They aren't in mirth, they're in creepy monkey domination. But genuine, honest laughter at funny things is divine, a wonderfully healthy experience that literally heals body, mind and spirit, and bonds healthy people with each other. Not the same thing as following a crowd, laughter bonding is when healthy people with good boundaries connect because they each, individually, find the same thing funny, they aren't copying one another, which makes the bonding genuine and uplifting.
People who don't like it when others laugh:
- People who are literally paranoid, they automatically think it's about them. Or they assume they are being excluded, and don't bother to find out if their assumption is correct.
- People who believe they are "above" others, and so their sense of humor is "above" as well, and you, inferior creature, couldn't possibly understand their high level of dry wit, so your laughter must be fake... you're just trying to act like you get it...
- People who believe they are entitled to say what is funny, and what is not, and if you laugh at something they find not funny, you are stupid, crazy, spastic, unstable, or annoying.
- People who feel entitled to control other people; they often dole out consequences to those they enjoy controlling if they laugh out loud in public. Laughter draws positive attention, and control freaks do not like positive attention going to anyone they have deemed "lesser". The date of a control freak may be sitting stone-faced in the audience of a comedy show, even if the control freak is laughing at every joke. Also, the control freak might be the one sitting stone-faced, and will only "allow" their date to laugh when they give their "approval".
Comedian Robert Lynch who is also a doctoral student found that self-deception influences a person's ease in laughter. Meghan Holohan writes about his observations here:
http://bodyodd.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/05/21/11760729-people-who-dont-laugh-easily-are-only-fooling-themselves?lite
Clueless
Here's a clue; stop implying to everyone that one of the members of your family or group of friends or coworkers is shiftless, lazy, crazy, or weird... or, risk people figuring out that you have major issues that you're trying to cover up by projecting shame and guilt about yourself onto someone else.
Classic! Essay By A Narcissist
Got a kick out of this one (pun intended)!
I share this essay with mixed emotions; both fascination for such a wonderful display of narcissistic entitlement, and feelings of regret and disappointment that I am posting this against my own values. ("Calling out" others in a public forum, when the person has made no personal attack, is a form of bullying that has no place in a civilized, healthy society.) That being said, I will opt to copy and paste the text, instead of sharing the link directly.
Read the addendum too, that's the best part :)
TEN REASONS WHY MEN LEAD AND WOMEN FOLLOW
I share this essay with mixed emotions; both fascination for such a wonderful display of narcissistic entitlement, and feelings of regret and disappointment that I am posting this against my own values. ("Calling out" others in a public forum, when the person has made no personal attack, is a form of bullying that has no place in a civilized, healthy society.) That being said, I will opt to copy and paste the text, instead of sharing the link directly.
Read the addendum too, that's the best part :)
Some people, sadly, have a bit of trouble with the idea that in social dance men lead and women follow. There are still hang-overs from the 1980s with their absurdly assertive women, and the political correctness of the 1990s, which make some people uneasy with anything which suggests that a man might command and a woman obey. These attitudes lead some people to question the way partner dancing is conducted, even that it might not be an acceptable activity in a modern society. These attitudes are the enemy of fun.
If you ever find yourself having to deal with someone who says that it is wrong for women to follow the leads of men in dance, here are a few arguments you can use against them. They should make you feel better, even if they do nothing to convert the person you are talking to.
1. Someone has to lead In a social partner dance, the object is to get two people dancing as one, without any need for choreography. This allows strangers to dance with each other, and is fun. Someone has to lead, therefore. If both try to follow, nothing happens, and if both try to lead, then contradicting leads will be given and the dance will come to a crunching halt.
2. Men are taller than women The average man is six inches taller than the average woman. In the vast majority of mixed-sex pairings, therefore, the man will be significantly taller than the woman, and fairly often the difference will be very great. It is a simple fact that it is far more difficult to lead someone who is taller than to lead someone who is shorter. If the follower is taller, then the leader will have to stand very close to her in order to reach above her head, giving her little room to turn and little room for error.
3. Men are stronger than women There are many moves in social dance, which involve the leader's supporting the weight of the follower. In wild dances like the Jitterbug, the leader might even have to throw and catch the follower. Whereas it is easy to throw someone lighter than oneself, it is blinking difficult to throw someone much heavier. Also, such moves require a great level of trust. The follower has to trust the leader to catch her. If a woman were to lead a dance with a man, then in order to do any of these moves, the man would have to trust her absolutely to catch him, and he probably wouldn't, especially if she were a stranger.
4. It avoids arguments At a social dance, one does not want a dispute, a clash of wills, or an awkward moment. If I go up to a woman at a dance and ask her for next dance, then since it is an accepted convention that men lead and women follow, there is no argument or discussion over who leads. Instead we can just get onto the floor and start happily. I don't have to ask her if she wants to lead. She doesn't have to feel obliged to let me lead. She doesn't have to admit that she can't lead. We can just dance and enjoy ourselves.
5. Each sex can specialise If the convention were changed so that men and women were equally likely to lead a dance, then all men and all women would have to learn both the leader's part and the follower's part. Learning to dance takes long enough as it is, but this requirement would mean that everyone would have twice as much to learn, and each part would interfere with the ease with which they danced the other, as all lefts and rights get reversed, and some habits which are good in a follower are annoying in a leader and vice versa. Not only would everyone take twice as long (or longer, and that's if many can be bothered with all this - plenty of people drop out of dance lessons as it is) to learn, but at every dance they attended, they would get half as much practice at each part. The net result would be that everyone would be a lot worse at dancing. If each sex specialises in one part, then the learning period is bearably short, and each sex becomes much better at its one role.
6. Sex is part of the fun In truth, of course, one often does see women dancing with women, and occasionally men dancing with men (deliberately badly, and with big cheesy grins). Almost always, though, the best dances one witnesses in an evening of social dance will be between one man and one woman. Partly this is because of reason five, above, that each has specialised, partly also because the man will probably be taller and stronger, but mostly because there is something in the chemistry between men and women which means that each dancer raises his level. If a woman dances a "shine move" (one where she struts her stuff independently of him, showing him how good she is) with another woman, she will never dance it quite so well as she would with a man. She will always rein-in slightly, because there is something sexy about dancing as a couple.
7. Men prefer it Men are show-offs. Men get pleasure from dancing well, not simply from dancing. A partner dance is an opportunity for a man to be masculine, and give a woman a good time. This is surely a good thing for both men and women. If a man is stupid, he might try to show the women how strong he is by shoving her around brutally. She won't like this and will never dance with him again. If he is considerate and sensible, he will look after his partner and she will enjoy dancing with him. If she looks happy at the end of the dance, that is his reward. Men get a big kick out of that sort of thing, and we are, after all, doing this for kicks.
8. Women prefer it Despite what the politically correct may try to get us to believe, women don't actually find men who are followers in life as attractive as leaders. Weak yes-men do not win the hearts of women, while strong and decisive men generally do. Dancing with a man is an opportunity for a woman to assess him. If she is leading, she will learn less about him, and the sensation of having a man follow her is not as pleasurable as the sensation of being well led by a man who is a decisive and skilled dancer. Deny the biology of the situation if you like, but you won't refute it. It remains true that men and women both enjoy partner dancing most when he leads and she follows (for much more on this sort of thing, see my essay in the evolution section on why men won't dance - you'll need to use your browser's BACK button to return here).
9. It isn't command and obey In fact, the leader's part is not that of a ruthless dictator, nor is the follower's part that of an abject slave. In reality in partner dancing, a woman can contribute a great deal to the dance, and a good leader will let his follower shine. People do not like to be coerced, but they do appreciate competent leadership. A good leader will keep the partnership in synch, but this requires good following. The partnership is just that: a partnership of two people who are equal but different. The woman plays an active role in keeping the partnership together. A man who is coercing his partner into each move, while dancing with a woman who is simply allowing him to do so, will look like a man shaking a rag doll. Watch a good dance couple dancing together and this is not what you will see. Instead you will see two people each bringing their skill to the dance, each working to maintain the partnership, and each having fun.
10. You need to get out more This, I suppose, isn't really a proper reason, nor perhaps the best sort of thing to say in a discussion with someone who is already of the opinion that there is something inherently dodgy about men's leading and women's following in dance. I put it in for two reasons. First, it brings the number of arguments up to ten, and second, it expresses to some degree my frustration with people who put correctness above enjoyment. Perhaps there is something bad about men's leading in dance, but I know from experience that partner dancing has a lot good about it, and I'm pretty sure that whatever harm might be done by men's leading is easily out-weighed by the good that comes from the fun people have dancing with each other. If we forbid ourselves to participate in any activity which isn't perfect in every way, then we will miss out on life.
Addendum:The above is the article as I first wrote it in about 1999. In 2010, it became the ignition for some surprisingly heated debate amongst Lindy hoppers on-line. I should not need to defend this essay, because it really is clear enough what it is saying, but for those interested in controversy, I have written a page dealing with criticisms, and adding clarifications. Find there also a link to a Yehoodi radio talk show I took part in about this page.
Number One Narcissist Trait
Everyone has traits of narcissism, because everyone is a human. The difference between a "Narcissist" and a typical human who has not matured past their traits of narcissism is very simple:
The Narcissist believes he or she is entitled to his or her narcissistic behaviors.
A human who is not a "Narcissist" has a measure of humility, and feels remorse. The non-narcissist wants the other humans around him or her to feel confident, to succeed for real, to be happy and at peace. The non-narcissist feels bad, genuinely, when they have acted in a hostile, arrogant, or inconsiderate manner toward another person. The non-narcissist does not think it's okay to treat another person with control, condescension, or disrespect, because they have deemed that person to be "less valuable" or "less intelligent" or "less capable" than themselves or others. The non-narcissist does not think it's okay to treat another with disrespect, hostility or inconsideration as "retaliation".
The non-narcissist does not believe their own problems are more important than another's, or that their accomplishments or abilities are more important than another's. The human ego does swing in that direction with the ups and downs of life, but it doesn't stay there. The non-narcissist realizes their ego has gone over the top, and makes a correction. That's where remorse comes in.
The non-narcissist desires to improve their own behavior, and they seek to learn what others know. Non-narcissists can be shy, outgoing, or neutral; they can have all kinds of "bad habits" or behaviors that affect their own lives and the lives of others; they can be very intelligent, gifted, impassioned; they can be very kind and generous and giving; they can be angry, happy, sad, excited; they can act selfishly or unselfishly; they can do and feel all of the things within the realm of being human. The difference is, when a non-narcissist messes up, they feel bad, and do not simply try to wriggle out of accountability. When they hurt another person, they don't blame the other person, or justify what they did; and when they do slip up and deflect blame, they will eventually recant, apologize, make amends. When another person has loss, pain, or problems, they don't feel annoyance toward that person, they feel empathy or at least sympathy. Their reaction toward that person is not avoidance, judgment, or bullying, they don't try to shut that person down or make them go away, because they feel compassion for them. They want to help, they want that person to feel supported.
They do not feel like the person is trying to out-do their problems or needs.
They do not compare their problems against others, or attach value and recognition to their problems, or to anyone else's. They do not try to use their problems as tools to manipulate others, and they are mindful of the problems that others are dealing with.
Non-narcissists do not feel "outshined" by those who are going through dark times, or having any kind of problems, on a regular basis. Non-narcissists do not always fear that their needs will not be met when someone else is being paid attention to; their focus is not mainly on themselves when someone else is dealing with pain, sadness, fear, or tragedy, whether it is a "big event" or a "small event".
(However, a non-narcissist can be treated with enough disrespect during someone else's dark time to make them refocus their attention on themselves in defense, which is a healthy response.)
A Non-narcissist does not feel that disrespect, manipulation and conflict are just "normal" things that people do to each other, and therefore try to force these behaviors on others, and demand acceptance of them. The Narcissist, however, will criticize the person they are trying to bully for rejecting the behavior.
The Narcissist believes he or she is entitled to his or her narcissistic behaviors.
A human who is not a "Narcissist" has a measure of humility, and feels remorse. The non-narcissist wants the other humans around him or her to feel confident, to succeed for real, to be happy and at peace. The non-narcissist feels bad, genuinely, when they have acted in a hostile, arrogant, or inconsiderate manner toward another person. The non-narcissist does not think it's okay to treat another person with control, condescension, or disrespect, because they have deemed that person to be "less valuable" or "less intelligent" or "less capable" than themselves or others. The non-narcissist does not think it's okay to treat another with disrespect, hostility or inconsideration as "retaliation".
The non-narcissist does not believe their own problems are more important than another's, or that their accomplishments or abilities are more important than another's. The human ego does swing in that direction with the ups and downs of life, but it doesn't stay there. The non-narcissist realizes their ego has gone over the top, and makes a correction. That's where remorse comes in.
The non-narcissist desires to improve their own behavior, and they seek to learn what others know. Non-narcissists can be shy, outgoing, or neutral; they can have all kinds of "bad habits" or behaviors that affect their own lives and the lives of others; they can be very intelligent, gifted, impassioned; they can be very kind and generous and giving; they can be angry, happy, sad, excited; they can act selfishly or unselfishly; they can do and feel all of the things within the realm of being human. The difference is, when a non-narcissist messes up, they feel bad, and do not simply try to wriggle out of accountability. When they hurt another person, they don't blame the other person, or justify what they did; and when they do slip up and deflect blame, they will eventually recant, apologize, make amends. When another person has loss, pain, or problems, they don't feel annoyance toward that person, they feel empathy or at least sympathy. Their reaction toward that person is not avoidance, judgment, or bullying, they don't try to shut that person down or make them go away, because they feel compassion for them. They want to help, they want that person to feel supported.
They do not feel like the person is trying to out-do their problems or needs.
They do not compare their problems against others, or attach value and recognition to their problems, or to anyone else's. They do not try to use their problems as tools to manipulate others, and they are mindful of the problems that others are dealing with.
Non-narcissists do not feel "outshined" by those who are going through dark times, or having any kind of problems, on a regular basis. Non-narcissists do not always fear that their needs will not be met when someone else is being paid attention to; their focus is not mainly on themselves when someone else is dealing with pain, sadness, fear, or tragedy, whether it is a "big event" or a "small event".
(However, a non-narcissist can be treated with enough disrespect during someone else's dark time to make them refocus their attention on themselves in defense, which is a healthy response.)
A Non-narcissist does not feel that disrespect, manipulation and conflict are just "normal" things that people do to each other, and therefore try to force these behaviors on others, and demand acceptance of them. The Narcissist, however, will criticize the person they are trying to bully for rejecting the behavior.
The Non-narcissist does not feel entitled to disrespecting another person, for any reason.
The Narcissist does, for whatever reason they can come up with.
Wish I Had Said That ~ Responses To Control Freaks
When a manipulator/controller is trying to deflect or project, we can become confused; the confusion is due to their tactic of getting off the actual subject and trying to make US the subject instead. It's like playing catch with someone, and they try to take control even in such a simple, fun game; they throw the ball to the side so you have to jump to get it, or they throw it very hard so it hurts to catch it, or they throw it at your face so you have to protect yourself. This is no longer a fun game between two people, but an exercise in defensive maneuvers, which is not appropriate in a game of catch. The manipulator/controller would defend their actions by saying something like "It's all part of the game! You have to learn to catch those balls when they come at you!" But~ if that were true, if that was their goal, they would have A) told you that they wanted to practice that, and only done it if you agreed, and B) would not be doing it with a competitive or authoritative slant, they would want you to do it back.
Anyway, when they verbally deflect and project, because of our confusion that they purposely cause, we often have a hard time framing and coming up with effective responses and comebacks. Here is a list of responses posted by
Anyway, when they verbally deflect and project, because of our confusion that they purposely cause, we often have a hard time framing and coming up with effective responses and comebacks. Here is a list of responses posted by
“Yes, I may have screwed up back then, but I’ve forgiven myself and moved on. Bringing this up again and again won’t help us improve the current situation.”
“I may have had some fears in the past, but I’m willing to face them now. Here’s what I plan to do, preferably with your support, but I can do it alone as well.”
“How I show respect and honor is my own business. I’m not bound by your definitions and parameters.”
“My walk with God and my spiritual path is between God and me. I let His Word correct my actions, not the judgments of others.”
“We are not talking about dinner last week, we are talking about how you belittled me just now. Keep on topic and stop trying to deflect the subject away from yourself.”
“Interesting you would think I’m emotional. Saying that is usually a put down. I’m impassioned. I’m assertive. I’m strong minded. Besides, my emotional state is an internal and private matter, and you don’t have my permission to comment or judge me about it.”
Narcissism and Co-Narcissism
Narcissism and Co-Narcissism ~ Gudrun Zomerland, MFT
More than anything else in my almost 20-year practice of psychotherapy, I have found that parental narcissism and the resulting lack of empathy and attunement with the child is what brings people into psychotherapy later as adults. In order to survive a narcissistic parent, children learn to tune out their own vulnerability, their own needs, and their own emotional world that would direct them toward their needs. Children learn to be close to the parent by either imitating the narcissistic parent and becoming like him or her (a narcissist), or by tuning into the parent's bottomless need for positive self-reflection (co-narcissist). Children who have adopted the latter survival mechanism will later on in life choose other narcissists or other people with strong narcissistic tendencies to bond with in order to fulfill the role and type of relationship they are familiar with.
Throughout this article I am using the terms narcissism and co-narcissism to describe complex intrapersonal states. These are generally not fixed. All conditions manifest in degrees. Most of us have some narcissistic and co-narcissistic tendencies. It's a byproduct of growing up in this imperfect world. What I am describing below is the most acute form of these disorders but please be advised that other conditions, such as parental depression, alcoholism or tragedy can bring about similar effects.
Narcissism in its most extreme manifestation is a personality disorder. This means that the usual defenses, which we all have developed to cope with various degrees of harm done to us in childhood, have become so entrenched that they are considered in most cases immune to influence from outside, i.e. psychotherapy. Narcissists, because of their inflated sense of self, are often very charismatic, charming, vivacious and fun to be around --- until you live with them for a while and the endless overt or covert demands based on their self-absorption become tedious and eventually hurtful.
At the core of narcissism is such a deep level of shame that the person develops an insurmountable defense against it. With shame hidden away deep within the psyche, the narcissist has access only to the opposite condition: a sense of unworthiness becomes an overdeveloped sense of entitlement; a sense of extremely low self-esteem becomes an overdeveloped sense of confidence, bravado and infallibility. Narcissists think they are the best there is to the human race. They do not understand how they might be overlooked for a promotion; they will not admit mistakes; they cannot stand criticism; and above all they are unable to perceive a situation from a different point of view.
A child growing up with this level of self-absorption on the part of the parent does not get what is necessary for healthy brain function and emotional development. Recent research has shown that our brains have such a thing as "mirror neurons". A baby's mirror neurons will tune into the parent's mirror neurons and will absorb what it finds there. If the parent is able to be present to their own emotional discomfort (e.g. shame), this will be transmitted to the child; if the parent has shut away deep emotional discomfort and lives a life of make-believe, this will be transmitted to the child.
Narcissists will unconsciously use their children to boost their own self-image. Anything the child does becomes food for self-reflection. If the child misbehaves, the parent has to reject it. Instead of appropriate boundaries and guidance, the child has to cope with emotional rejection and overt or covert shaming. In this way, the narcissistic parent passes unresolved shame on to the child. At the same time, the parent also distances himself or herself from the child in order to continue to present a positive image to the world. In effect, the parent is saying: "This child is not really mine; I don't know what's wrong with it." If the child is striving to be good and succeeds, however, it becomes an appendage to the narcissistic parent's self-image. The child does not exist in his or her own right with interests and accomplishments different from the parent's; it exists primarily to fulfill the dreams and expectations of the parent. In either case, a child is left with an undeveloped sense of self.
As mentioned above, narcissists will rarely find their way into therapy because it would require taking the risk of self-reflection and thereby finding the profound level of shame underneath the inflated self-image. If, for whatever reason, they do decide to seek therapy, treatment is a very long-term affair. Because narcissists have to guard against the inner demons of shame, any exploration of vulnerable emotional states or any reflection of non-productive behaviors are rejected. The therapist becomes a mirror for positive reflection and more like a teacher suggesting slight changes in behavior here and there or additional philosophical concepts to explore in order to improve personal relationships.
The therapeutic work with co-narcissists is very different in flavor. The body, mind and soul of the co-narcissist eventually wear out from the strains of living with a narcissist. The frequent dramas and the constant need to be there for another affect not only the emotional balance of the co-narcissist but also their physical immune system. Often co-narcissists will self-medicate with the help of various addictive compulsions. If they do not succumb to these, they may eventually realize that something needs to change in their lives and seek out therapy, 12 Step groups, workshops, or other tools that help them put the focus on themselves.
Classical client-centered psychotherapy is a balm for co-narcissists because they are hungry for someone to pay attention to their inner states. With this inner focus healing can begin. Besides grieving a lost childhood and finding ways to set boundaries with those around them, what contributes to the healing effect are the mirror neurons that continue to operate in our brains. The client's mirror neurons align with the therapist's mirror neurons, and thus the therapist's level of emotional maturation transmits to the client. Of course, this being so, it is very important that the client truly likes the therapist and finds him or her trustworthy.
If you seek more information about narcissism and co-narcissism, following are a few books that I found helpful:
More than anything else in my almost 20-year practice of psychotherapy, I have found that parental narcissism and the resulting lack of empathy and attunement with the child is what brings people into psychotherapy later as adults. In order to survive a narcissistic parent, children learn to tune out their own vulnerability, their own needs, and their own emotional world that would direct them toward their needs. Children learn to be close to the parent by either imitating the narcissistic parent and becoming like him or her (a narcissist), or by tuning into the parent's bottomless need for positive self-reflection (co-narcissist). Children who have adopted the latter survival mechanism will later on in life choose other narcissists or other people with strong narcissistic tendencies to bond with in order to fulfill the role and type of relationship they are familiar with.
Throughout this article I am using the terms narcissism and co-narcissism to describe complex intrapersonal states. These are generally not fixed. All conditions manifest in degrees. Most of us have some narcissistic and co-narcissistic tendencies. It's a byproduct of growing up in this imperfect world. What I am describing below is the most acute form of these disorders but please be advised that other conditions, such as parental depression, alcoholism or tragedy can bring about similar effects.
Narcissism in its most extreme manifestation is a personality disorder. This means that the usual defenses, which we all have developed to cope with various degrees of harm done to us in childhood, have become so entrenched that they are considered in most cases immune to influence from outside, i.e. psychotherapy. Narcissists, because of their inflated sense of self, are often very charismatic, charming, vivacious and fun to be around --- until you live with them for a while and the endless overt or covert demands based on their self-absorption become tedious and eventually hurtful.
At the core of narcissism is such a deep level of shame that the person develops an insurmountable defense against it. With shame hidden away deep within the psyche, the narcissist has access only to the opposite condition: a sense of unworthiness becomes an overdeveloped sense of entitlement; a sense of extremely low self-esteem becomes an overdeveloped sense of confidence, bravado and infallibility. Narcissists think they are the best there is to the human race. They do not understand how they might be overlooked for a promotion; they will not admit mistakes; they cannot stand criticism; and above all they are unable to perceive a situation from a different point of view.
A child growing up with this level of self-absorption on the part of the parent does not get what is necessary for healthy brain function and emotional development. Recent research has shown that our brains have such a thing as "mirror neurons". A baby's mirror neurons will tune into the parent's mirror neurons and will absorb what it finds there. If the parent is able to be present to their own emotional discomfort (e.g. shame), this will be transmitted to the child; if the parent has shut away deep emotional discomfort and lives a life of make-believe, this will be transmitted to the child.
Narcissists will unconsciously use their children to boost their own self-image. Anything the child does becomes food for self-reflection. If the child misbehaves, the parent has to reject it. Instead of appropriate boundaries and guidance, the child has to cope with emotional rejection and overt or covert shaming. In this way, the narcissistic parent passes unresolved shame on to the child. At the same time, the parent also distances himself or herself from the child in order to continue to present a positive image to the world. In effect, the parent is saying: "This child is not really mine; I don't know what's wrong with it." If the child is striving to be good and succeeds, however, it becomes an appendage to the narcissistic parent's self-image. The child does not exist in his or her own right with interests and accomplishments different from the parent's; it exists primarily to fulfill the dreams and expectations of the parent. In either case, a child is left with an undeveloped sense of self.
As mentioned above, narcissists will rarely find their way into therapy because it would require taking the risk of self-reflection and thereby finding the profound level of shame underneath the inflated self-image. If, for whatever reason, they do decide to seek therapy, treatment is a very long-term affair. Because narcissists have to guard against the inner demons of shame, any exploration of vulnerable emotional states or any reflection of non-productive behaviors are rejected. The therapist becomes a mirror for positive reflection and more like a teacher suggesting slight changes in behavior here and there or additional philosophical concepts to explore in order to improve personal relationships.
The therapeutic work with co-narcissists is very different in flavor. The body, mind and soul of the co-narcissist eventually wear out from the strains of living with a narcissist. The frequent dramas and the constant need to be there for another affect not only the emotional balance of the co-narcissist but also their physical immune system. Often co-narcissists will self-medicate with the help of various addictive compulsions. If they do not succumb to these, they may eventually realize that something needs to change in their lives and seek out therapy, 12 Step groups, workshops, or other tools that help them put the focus on themselves.
Classical client-centered psychotherapy is a balm for co-narcissists because they are hungry for someone to pay attention to their inner states. With this inner focus healing can begin. Besides grieving a lost childhood and finding ways to set boundaries with those around them, what contributes to the healing effect are the mirror neurons that continue to operate in our brains. The client's mirror neurons align with the therapist's mirror neurons, and thus the therapist's level of emotional maturation transmits to the client. Of course, this being so, it is very important that the client truly likes the therapist and finds him or her trustworthy.
If you seek more information about narcissism and co-narcissism, following are a few books that I found helpful:
- When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself by W. Keith Campbell
- Children of the Self-absorbed: A Grown-up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown
- Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner by Nina W. Brown
- Why Is It Always About You : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss and James F. Masterson
- The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson
- When Your "Perfect Partner" Goes Perfectly Wrong: Loving Or Leaving The Narcissist In Your Life by Mary Jo Fay
- Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life by Les Carter
- Co-narcissism is very similar to co-dependency in that both conditions describe a survival style in which one person lives for the apparent survival of another. It can therefore be helpful for co-narcissists to read about co-dependency and to join programs like CoDA or Alanon to help change destructive patterns in relationships.
Prayers
Please join me in praying for all of the families and community of Newtown, and Sandy Hook Elementary. May Angels walk with all of you.
Keep Writing, Keep Talking, Keep Sharing
"Narcissistic Abuse is such a serious thing, and I hope more women come forward and work together to empower other women, and of course, men in the same situation. When you share your story, you lift the burden that others feel and fear within, because the pieces of flesh have worked so hard to intimidate, manipulate, gaslight and destroy the confidence that was once their shining light to the world. One story is a candle of hope that re-ignites hope in another person who has been through this."
~Abuse survivor
Ignorance
The highest form of ignorance is to reject something you don't know anything about.
- Wayne Dyer
Anti-Male Bias
You know that feeling of "she's not paying attention to me or giving me positive vibes, so that means she's stuck up" or.. "she's not agreeing that I'm right when I tell her she's wrong, so that means she's a bitch" or... "she gets annoyed when I don't treat her with the same respect I treat others with, so that means she's a prima dona", or "she is acting sad, angry, or depressed, so that means she's just trying to get attention" ?
That feeling is from inside your own head, that's not coming from her. Or him, as the case may be.
Our unexamined prejudices tell us how to interpret the actions of others. If I have bias against men, I will see and hear things a given man says and does through a negative filter. I will believe that this negative filter is objective reality. I will interpret everything a man does as being either silly, dumb, crazy, unstable, pointless, useless, or annoying. I will assume I ALREADY KNOW his "LIMITS" of talent, learning, physical strength, and intelligence. I will not assign importance to the things he says or does, and if I am prone to aggression, I will insult him, argue with him, and accuse him of doing things "wrong", or "faking" things, or having an agenda. If he makes an observation, I will not listen to his point of view, especially if I don't already agree with it. I will see all of his points of view as uneducated, unintelligent, unenlightened, and ignorant. I will see all of his hopes and dreams as ridiculous pipe dreams, and I will see little or no potential in his future. I will believe that he CAN'T learn how to do lots of things, even if he tried very hard. I will not show him the same manners and integrity I show those whom I am not biased against. I will make sure he sees that I am not showing him these manners, in order to send him a message that he is "below" me. I will not respect him, support him, promote him, or help him, and I will not protect him from even the most severe disrespect, unless I am afraid of consequences for myself. I will stand back and let others walk all over him. I will feel annoyed if he defends himself or talks about the treatment he receives, I will not see his point of view, because he annoys me anyway, because everything he says and does is being viewed through the filter of my bias against him. When he speaks, I am immediately annoyed. Even if he says and does exactly the same things as a person I greatly admire, I will STILL see all of those things as dumb, pointless, and annoying, because HE did and said them. I will not be aware of my bias against him, my negative filter that I watch him through, and I will refuse to look at it, because I don't want to remove it. I'm used to it, and it makes me feel normal. Everyone I grew up with wears the same filter, I won't be rejected by them if I keep wearing it, so I would rather wear it and be the same as them, than take it off and be different, and risk losing their approval. I will not care how my negative bias against him affects him, it will not bother me; the only thing that will bother me is HIM, his annoying yabbering about "unfair treatment". The moment he does anything to show others that he is NOT lesser than I am, I will go after him and knock him down, back down to where I like him to be. " I will not simply leave him alone, either; I enjoy watching him through this bias filter, it makes me believe that there is always someone who is lesser than I am. As long as I have others around me who also wear the same negative filter, they will all continue to pretend along with me, and I can continue to live through my prejudice. I never will have to look directly at reality.
That entry was about anti-male bias, or prejudice against men. Anti-white bias or Anti-black bias can be substituted for "male" and the entire entry still applies. You can substitute any bias, it is all basically the same. To see how that works, substitute the word "female" for "male", "woman" for "man", and "her" for "him". Prejudice is a filter we ALL wear, some have more than others, some less, but those who refuse to look are prone to believe that what they see through these filters is actually real.
What Do You Embrace, The Light In Courage, Or The Dark, In Fear?
Posted by a friend:
" "This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God," (John 3:19-21). For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him," (John 3:17)
" "This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God," (John 3:19-21). For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him," (John 3:17)
What Does A Narcissist Look Like?
You might be a narcissist if... you often try to paint others, especially your own family members, as "lazy", "crazy", or "good for nothing", and your hope is that whoever you talk to will think of them as a bad person whom they should avoid, a burdensome person in your life, and feel sorry for you. The narcissist does not seek help for their relationships, or to repair rifts, or gain understanding; they seek to destroy the reputations of certain others, and to cause pain and damage. They seek to be the one who is seen as the "good" one, the "innocent" one, compared to their target who they paint as the "bad" one, the "dysfunctional" one. We can tell we have been duped by a narcissist when we think of one of our own family members (or friends, coworkers, neighbors...) as a lazy, wasteful, self-absorbed person, with no real evidence for ourselves except the stories we've been told, and also when we feel superior toward the person. When we find that everything we hear about the person or see them do (or post on Facebook) is added to our own collection of "evidence" against that person, but we are not looking for positive evidence to contradict that old story or show that they are a "good" person, we know we have swallowed the hook.
Love Gestures From A Narcissist
You know how you are sitting there ruminating about how to improve life for your loved ones? How you worry about their emotional and physical well-being, their happiness, and their future? How you enjoy making plans to do fun things together, whimsical things together, projects together, and look forward to bonding? You know how you really want to hear their opinions, thoughts, experiences, stories, and points of view? You know how you are proud of their accomplishments, excited about their aspirations and ideas, interested very much in their work, and enjoy seeing or hearing about what they're doing?
Guess what... if your loved one is a narcissist, he or she is not thinking of ANY of those things, and certainly isn't worrying. It is not even within the realm of their imagination. The only person they regularly worry about is themselves. Your interests are boring and pointless, your thoughts are redundant, you conversation is repetitive and boring, and your point of view is simply wrong. Your aspirations are silly, your attempts at achievement are akin to a child, and doing anything with you is about as fun as doing things with their third grade teacher. It's not exciting to do things with you, they already have you; there is no reason to DO anything...and they wish you would just be quiet and not want to have these droning intellectual exchanges (unless they initiate them.) Occasionally, a narcissist will feel little glimpses of sympathy or worry, but these incidents will seem so gigantic to them that they will actually feel like they are WRACKED with despair and worry, and then they will immediately seek to escape this overwhelming bleakness, and they will actually feel sorry for themselves for it, completing the circle right back to themselves.
If you ever seek for a narcissist to care about you with any form of extended care or empathy that lasts any length of time, you will be rejected forthwith, and resented mightily. They seriously feel completely FULL to the brim with too much going on, and they ALWAYS believe that you have LESS going on than they do, and are just a spoiled, pampered brat, and that you are too daft to recognize their huge burden, EVEN IF YOU are helping them beyond your own means.
The thing you need to remember is, they have no idea that there is any reality other than the one they have created in their own minds, and if you try to show them that there is another way to look at things, they will hear you as ATTACKING them, insulting them, trying to control them.
They are not planning a nice date for the two of you, they are thinking about how they don't have enough time or money to have a better life than the one you are trying to make with them. They are not thinking about how they want to take your kids to a movie, they are worried that they will have to babysit and ruin their day. They are not happy that you are in town and look forward to asking you to meet them, they are annoyed that they might have to take time out of their day to do something as trivial and pointless as seeing you face to face. They don't admire you for your strength, intelligence, or endurance for surviving the things you've been through, they actually think of you as a "loser" because you have lived through trials and tribulations. (Their own trials were because of other people, but yours were your fault... ) They are not wondering how they can cheer you up; they are lamenting about how you don't do enough for them, and completely denying any and all efforts you have made to stand by them or cheer them up. They are not going to be excited about the plans you made with them, they are going to try to change them at the last minute, or start a fight, or create an urgency, so they can stay in control. The fact is, they are not thinking about you at all in any way except how you just don't measure up, how you do all kinds of things wrong toward them, and how they just don't have the time or money or patience to do "all these things" with or for you that you seem to expect from them. They honestly see any effort from their side as a HUGE burden, and they see all of your efforts, no matter what they are, as inadequate, or even dumb.
The narcissist needs to have others to be lesser creatures in their lives, and the moment you let them treat you like one, you have been elected. They seriously do not get that you are not lesser than they are, and they will throw all kinds of negative judgments at you from that day on, trying to turn their projection into reality. They have to keep you "under" them, or else they will feel like you are in control of them, or outshining them.
If you are waiting for a narcissist to treat you with genuine love, care, empathy, and reciprocal friendship and respect (all of which are very much fun and wonderful for non-narcs), you will be waiting until the sun explodes and it no longer matters anyway. It's like waiting for a drowning person to save you. It's not going to happen.
Guess what... if your loved one is a narcissist, he or she is not thinking of ANY of those things, and certainly isn't worrying. It is not even within the realm of their imagination. The only person they regularly worry about is themselves. Your interests are boring and pointless, your thoughts are redundant, you conversation is repetitive and boring, and your point of view is simply wrong. Your aspirations are silly, your attempts at achievement are akin to a child, and doing anything with you is about as fun as doing things with their third grade teacher. It's not exciting to do things with you, they already have you; there is no reason to DO anything...and they wish you would just be quiet and not want to have these droning intellectual exchanges (unless they initiate them.) Occasionally, a narcissist will feel little glimpses of sympathy or worry, but these incidents will seem so gigantic to them that they will actually feel like they are WRACKED with despair and worry, and then they will immediately seek to escape this overwhelming bleakness, and they will actually feel sorry for themselves for it, completing the circle right back to themselves.
If you ever seek for a narcissist to care about you with any form of extended care or empathy that lasts any length of time, you will be rejected forthwith, and resented mightily. They seriously feel completely FULL to the brim with too much going on, and they ALWAYS believe that you have LESS going on than they do, and are just a spoiled, pampered brat, and that you are too daft to recognize their huge burden, EVEN IF YOU are helping them beyond your own means.
The thing you need to remember is, they have no idea that there is any reality other than the one they have created in their own minds, and if you try to show them that there is another way to look at things, they will hear you as ATTACKING them, insulting them, trying to control them.
They are not planning a nice date for the two of you, they are thinking about how they don't have enough time or money to have a better life than the one you are trying to make with them. They are not thinking about how they want to take your kids to a movie, they are worried that they will have to babysit and ruin their day. They are not happy that you are in town and look forward to asking you to meet them, they are annoyed that they might have to take time out of their day to do something as trivial and pointless as seeing you face to face. They don't admire you for your strength, intelligence, or endurance for surviving the things you've been through, they actually think of you as a "loser" because you have lived through trials and tribulations. (Their own trials were because of other people, but yours were your fault... ) They are not wondering how they can cheer you up; they are lamenting about how you don't do enough for them, and completely denying any and all efforts you have made to stand by them or cheer them up. They are not going to be excited about the plans you made with them, they are going to try to change them at the last minute, or start a fight, or create an urgency, so they can stay in control. The fact is, they are not thinking about you at all in any way except how you just don't measure up, how you do all kinds of things wrong toward them, and how they just don't have the time or money or patience to do "all these things" with or for you that you seem to expect from them. They honestly see any effort from their side as a HUGE burden, and they see all of your efforts, no matter what they are, as inadequate, or even dumb.
The narcissist needs to have others to be lesser creatures in their lives, and the moment you let them treat you like one, you have been elected. They seriously do not get that you are not lesser than they are, and they will throw all kinds of negative judgments at you from that day on, trying to turn their projection into reality. They have to keep you "under" them, or else they will feel like you are in control of them, or outshining them.
If you are waiting for a narcissist to treat you with genuine love, care, empathy, and reciprocal friendship and respect (all of which are very much fun and wonderful for non-narcs), you will be waiting until the sun explodes and it no longer matters anyway. It's like waiting for a drowning person to save you. It's not going to happen.
Dating, Or Whoring?
Dating more than one person, dating lots of
people, is not evidence of "bad character". It is evidence of a person
with good boundaries, who knows when they are not compatible enough to
make a permanent commitment. Emotionally healthy people don't commit to
the first person they date, or the second, or the tenth, unless they
believe this person is the one they are interested in marrying, and they
WANT
to do all the work it takes to maintain a marriage because they love
this person, and they are both and each emotionally mature enough to do
it (take responsibility for what they bring to the other person, and
change what they need to). Some people get lucky, they both find that
person right away, and they are mature enough to handle it. But with 7
billion people in the world, the odds of finding "the one" right out of
the gate, and BEING the "right one" for someone else, are pretty low.
Often times we believe we found the "right one", and we are ready and willing to do all the work it takes, and they might believe they are ready too, but they were not. They bit off more than they could chew, and are not able to hold up their end of the relationship. It's not our "fault", it's kind of like believing we could move something that turned out to be heavier than we thought. We either need to get help to move it, or we need to leave it alone. If we don't get help it will never be moved, and if we don't get help but keep trying to move it by ourselves, we will simply end up living our lives around something that is too heavy for us.
Often times we believe we found the "right one", and we are ready and willing to do all the work it takes, and they might believe they are ready too, but they were not. They bit off more than they could chew, and are not able to hold up their end of the relationship. It's not our "fault", it's kind of like believing we could move something that turned out to be heavier than we thought. We either need to get help to move it, or we need to leave it alone. If we don't get help it will never be moved, and if we don't get help but keep trying to move it by ourselves, we will simply end up living our lives around something that is too heavy for us.
Control Tactics: Withholding Approval
Withholding approval is a tool/weapon that most Controller personalities use. When we are children, we seek approval from the adults close to us. Their approval of our behavior is removed temporarily when we do something wrong. With healthy adults, we regain their approval after we have paid our penance, served our punishment gracefully, and are showing that we are not doing the unacceptable behavior. This is all an essential part of growing up, learning how to treat people, and learning how to function effectively.
Controller personalities take this approval-withholding and use it out of context, in order to manipulate and put themselves in an inappropriate Authority position. They use this feeling from childhood that most people still have as adults to create an illusion of their own authority and superior status.
It really is amazing how often it works on even the most intelligent people.
The tool is very simple; they simply act as if they are an "important adult" and you are a child. They take on this role, and treat you as if you fit the child role. It works because of our long human childhoods; we were in this role naturally for many years. It felt kind of lonely and cold when an adult withheld or removed their approval, sometimes worse, and we would try to re-establish the feeling of being in their "good graces" again. This normal part of growing up human is taken and used by the Controller.
Withholding or withdrawal of approval can be very subtle, and this is the most effective, because we don't notice it. Simply cutting phone conversations short because they have "important things to do", not replying to messages, not returning phone calls, not answering the phone, answering the phone but then acting as if you are intruding on them, speaking in a certain "authority" tone to their targets, frequently changing the subject, and talking over others is common. A Controller will also bait another person to come closer, or disclose information, so they can have better leverage.
Controllers frequently trivialize the concerns, protests, and emotions of others. They also trivialize the work, effort, ability and accomplishments of their targets. They especially trivialize anything and anyone that might expose their control tactics. Demeaning others is common for them. A Controller reading this, for example, will probably say something like "Oh please, get a life.." or "You people think too much".
To gain a better understanding, it can help to put ourselves back in childhood. Joe and Sue are 12 and 13, older siblings to Rachel, who is 7. Rachel naturally wants to be included with Joe and Sue's activities, and is a well-behaved kid, causing no "trouble" for them. Joe and Sue have learned by watching their parents how to "discipline" Rachel with tone of voice, withholding attention, using signals (like putting up one finger to mean "hush" or "wait"), and giving her instructions and orders. When she misbehaves, she receives less positive attention and more negative from her parents; subtle shunning and ignoring.
Joe and Sue have picked up on all of these tactics, which can be useful in actually raising a child. But used out of context, Joe and Sue are able to manipulate Rachel into believing they have almost as much authority over her as their parents, and also getting her to do what they want. All they have to do is turn their back on her, act as if they are too busy and too important for her, and she will comply. The withholding of positive attention and approval makes her feel lonely and cold, and she seeks to make that feeling "better" again.
"We'll let you come along if you... clean my room/do my chores."
"We'll let you watch TV with us if you don't talk."
"You should stop trying to play the piano, you're annoying us."
"Stop trying to build that fort by yourself, you can't do it, we'll do it for you."
"Forgetting" plans they made with their younger sibling to establish their importance and her unimportance. Speaking to others "over her head" purposely, ignoring her when she talks, as if she is not important enough to speak in their group. Not allowing her to participate in activities that are taking place, treating her like a nuisance when she stands up for herself. Trivializing her good grades, her friends, her accomplishments, her projects, her skills, her aspirations; acting as if her work is silly and "in the way" of everyone else.
Reinforcing this dramatically is when Rachel protests about it, but her parents either ignore her, or treat her as if she is being a nuisance. Joe and Sue now know that their parents will not step in to stop them, and Rachel knows that no one will back her up when she is treated unfairly.
Most Controllers picked up these tactics during their own childhoods, like Joe and Sue, mimicking adults and then using it on other children, in the family, school, or neighborhood. Sometimes using it on their own parent or other adults whom they have witnessed having been treated in this way by another adult. Every time it worked, it was reinforced. (Many come to believe that they ARE actually Authority figures toward others.)
Other common habits: Giving orders and not requests, not accepting ideas or requests, always having to be in charge of all activities and time, editing any ideas or requests or taking them over as if they thought of them.
Refusing to look at another's point of view with objectivity.
Answering questions with a lecturing and condescension instead of direct answers, treating others as if they are less knowledgeable, skilled, or capable.
Arguing with everything another person says, and claiming it's just a different point of view.
Treating others as if they are crazy or controlling, when they are simply being themselves and doing normal human things.
If you've ever had a friend who was never available when you invited them to do something specific with you, but would suddenly want your company at other times with little or no notice, and expect you to be available, or expect you to be alright with changing plans all the time with seemingly no regard for you having a life other than their schedule, or who always breaks plans with you, and then reschedules them? They are establishing Authority over you. (This type will probably reject you if you don't let them be your "Leader", their need for control is more important than friendship.)
Some other Controller behaviors:
Standing up a person they have made plans with, and defending themselves about it, and not apologizing and trying to make amends. (The adult does not need to explain themselves to the child... Any changes the adult makes to his or her plans must be accepted gracefully by the child. If the child protests, he or she is being whiny and insubordinate.)
Leaving a person out of a group, out of plan and decision-making, (as if they are a child).
Switching conversation from a topic to criticizing or advising the person they are speaking with, especially in the case of social issues or difficulties.
Rude speech and behavior such as childish put-downs, public humiliation (trying to put a person down in front of others). Accusing anyone who defends themselves against their controlling behavior of being a control freak, or crazy.
Treating anyone who sees through and rejects their Control behavior as if they are crazy, telling others this person is crazy, and hoping it will stick.
Acting as if they have no difficulties when someone else is having them, but then switching to their problems being the most important, the most tragic, the most terrible.
Often hiding their real difficulties from others in order to maintain their Authority image.
Many friendships, business partnerships, bands, and marriages have been torn apart because of this. When one person actually believes in their own authority, they often feel "attacked" by whomever does not "recognize" them as an authority, and will actually blame the other person for causing all the problems.
In the case of a Rock Band, for example, when all members are there for the love of making music alone, whoever takes the lead in the moment is the person who knows the song best, or who has written the song, or who is the most self-disciplined at the moment. There is no "hierarchy" among peers without ego issues, no one treats one person as if they're a lesser human being than anyone else, or "less deserving" of respect and recognition. In a Rock Band where one or more members have Controller personalities, when one member participates naturally by sharing their thoughts or knowledge about a song, or saying "come on guys let's do this" when everyone is messing around and there's a show to do, or when they have written a song and are explaining how they want it to go, this is all seen as "Control Freak Behavior" NOT by those who are equal-minded, but by the Controller Personality in the band. Because someone else is taking the reins, just for a moment, the Controller Personality feels challenged, off-balance, even "undermined" or attacked. In order to feel "Normal", the Controller Personality must maintain their feeling of Authority, and that means whomever they have deemed as an "underling" is expected to only participate as a submissive, being told what to do. Examples of this behavior have been documented in several very famous Rock bands, and has lead to all manner of unnecessary problems and difficulties. personally and business-wise. (Of course this can be seen on the most local levels of music groups, even Church choirs.)
Pretty much anywhere there is a group of humans, there is often at least one person who has a Controller personality. Occasionally this person, IF he or she happens to be moving in the right direction, can be a good leader for a while. But inevitably, the group falls apart when the Controller starts feeling compelled to establish and maintain his or her authority over others with these tactics learned in childhood. The Controller will abandon the goals and progress of the group, the original mission, and will also sacrifice members of the group, in order to maintain his or her "Authority" position. (A healthy leader seeks to maintain the progress of the group, and will call on others to help and take over the reins when needed.)
So, look out for Approval Withholders, they are playing out habits they learned a long time ago, and are unlikely to change. They need to feel in control in order to feel good, so when they feel challenged by someone who simply wants an equal relationship, they tend to "bite". In their minds, when their "authority" is not being complied with, they are being rejected and rebelled against, and will simply increase their efforts. The best thing to do, if you know you are not going to be able to maintain playing their game, is to keep a wide berth. Don't get close enough to become a target. (And if you already did, then use their own tactics against them, and back away.)
Controller personalities take this approval-withholding and use it out of context, in order to manipulate and put themselves in an inappropriate Authority position. They use this feeling from childhood that most people still have as adults to create an illusion of their own authority and superior status.
It really is amazing how often it works on even the most intelligent people.
The tool is very simple; they simply act as if they are an "important adult" and you are a child. They take on this role, and treat you as if you fit the child role. It works because of our long human childhoods; we were in this role naturally for many years. It felt kind of lonely and cold when an adult withheld or removed their approval, sometimes worse, and we would try to re-establish the feeling of being in their "good graces" again. This normal part of growing up human is taken and used by the Controller.
Withholding or withdrawal of approval can be very subtle, and this is the most effective, because we don't notice it. Simply cutting phone conversations short because they have "important things to do", not replying to messages, not returning phone calls, not answering the phone, answering the phone but then acting as if you are intruding on them, speaking in a certain "authority" tone to their targets, frequently changing the subject, and talking over others is common. A Controller will also bait another person to come closer, or disclose information, so they can have better leverage.
Controllers frequently trivialize the concerns, protests, and emotions of others. They also trivialize the work, effort, ability and accomplishments of their targets. They especially trivialize anything and anyone that might expose their control tactics. Demeaning others is common for them. A Controller reading this, for example, will probably say something like "Oh please, get a life.." or "You people think too much".
To gain a better understanding, it can help to put ourselves back in childhood. Joe and Sue are 12 and 13, older siblings to Rachel, who is 7. Rachel naturally wants to be included with Joe and Sue's activities, and is a well-behaved kid, causing no "trouble" for them. Joe and Sue have learned by watching their parents how to "discipline" Rachel with tone of voice, withholding attention, using signals (like putting up one finger to mean "hush" or "wait"), and giving her instructions and orders. When she misbehaves, she receives less positive attention and more negative from her parents; subtle shunning and ignoring.
Joe and Sue have picked up on all of these tactics, which can be useful in actually raising a child. But used out of context, Joe and Sue are able to manipulate Rachel into believing they have almost as much authority over her as their parents, and also getting her to do what they want. All they have to do is turn their back on her, act as if they are too busy and too important for her, and she will comply. The withholding of positive attention and approval makes her feel lonely and cold, and she seeks to make that feeling "better" again.
"We'll let you come along if you... clean my room/do my chores."
"We'll let you watch TV with us if you don't talk."
"You should stop trying to play the piano, you're annoying us."
"Stop trying to build that fort by yourself, you can't do it, we'll do it for you."
"Forgetting" plans they made with their younger sibling to establish their importance and her unimportance. Speaking to others "over her head" purposely, ignoring her when she talks, as if she is not important enough to speak in their group. Not allowing her to participate in activities that are taking place, treating her like a nuisance when she stands up for herself. Trivializing her good grades, her friends, her accomplishments, her projects, her skills, her aspirations; acting as if her work is silly and "in the way" of everyone else.
Reinforcing this dramatically is when Rachel protests about it, but her parents either ignore her, or treat her as if she is being a nuisance. Joe and Sue now know that their parents will not step in to stop them, and Rachel knows that no one will back her up when she is treated unfairly.
Most Controllers picked up these tactics during their own childhoods, like Joe and Sue, mimicking adults and then using it on other children, in the family, school, or neighborhood. Sometimes using it on their own parent or other adults whom they have witnessed having been treated in this way by another adult. Every time it worked, it was reinforced. (Many come to believe that they ARE actually Authority figures toward others.)
Other common habits: Giving orders and not requests, not accepting ideas or requests, always having to be in charge of all activities and time, editing any ideas or requests or taking them over as if they thought of them.
Refusing to look at another's point of view with objectivity.
Answering questions with a lecturing and condescension instead of direct answers, treating others as if they are less knowledgeable, skilled, or capable.
Arguing with everything another person says, and claiming it's just a different point of view.
Treating others as if they are crazy or controlling, when they are simply being themselves and doing normal human things.
If you've ever had a friend who was never available when you invited them to do something specific with you, but would suddenly want your company at other times with little or no notice, and expect you to be available, or expect you to be alright with changing plans all the time with seemingly no regard for you having a life other than their schedule, or who always breaks plans with you, and then reschedules them? They are establishing Authority over you. (This type will probably reject you if you don't let them be your "Leader", their need for control is more important than friendship.)
Some other Controller behaviors:
Standing up a person they have made plans with, and defending themselves about it, and not apologizing and trying to make amends. (The adult does not need to explain themselves to the child... Any changes the adult makes to his or her plans must be accepted gracefully by the child. If the child protests, he or she is being whiny and insubordinate.)
Leaving a person out of a group, out of plan and decision-making, (as if they are a child).
Switching conversation from a topic to criticizing or advising the person they are speaking with, especially in the case of social issues or difficulties.
Rude speech and behavior such as childish put-downs, public humiliation (trying to put a person down in front of others). Accusing anyone who defends themselves against their controlling behavior of being a control freak, or crazy.
Treating anyone who sees through and rejects their Control behavior as if they are crazy, telling others this person is crazy, and hoping it will stick.
Acting as if they have no difficulties when someone else is having them, but then switching to their problems being the most important, the most tragic, the most terrible.
Often hiding their real difficulties from others in order to maintain their Authority image.
Many friendships, business partnerships, bands, and marriages have been torn apart because of this. When one person actually believes in their own authority, they often feel "attacked" by whomever does not "recognize" them as an authority, and will actually blame the other person for causing all the problems.
In the case of a Rock Band, for example, when all members are there for the love of making music alone, whoever takes the lead in the moment is the person who knows the song best, or who has written the song, or who is the most self-disciplined at the moment. There is no "hierarchy" among peers without ego issues, no one treats one person as if they're a lesser human being than anyone else, or "less deserving" of respect and recognition. In a Rock Band where one or more members have Controller personalities, when one member participates naturally by sharing their thoughts or knowledge about a song, or saying "come on guys let's do this" when everyone is messing around and there's a show to do, or when they have written a song and are explaining how they want it to go, this is all seen as "Control Freak Behavior" NOT by those who are equal-minded, but by the Controller Personality in the band. Because someone else is taking the reins, just for a moment, the Controller Personality feels challenged, off-balance, even "undermined" or attacked. In order to feel "Normal", the Controller Personality must maintain their feeling of Authority, and that means whomever they have deemed as an "underling" is expected to only participate as a submissive, being told what to do. Examples of this behavior have been documented in several very famous Rock bands, and has lead to all manner of unnecessary problems and difficulties. personally and business-wise. (Of course this can be seen on the most local levels of music groups, even Church choirs.)
Pretty much anywhere there is a group of humans, there is often at least one person who has a Controller personality. Occasionally this person, IF he or she happens to be moving in the right direction, can be a good leader for a while. But inevitably, the group falls apart when the Controller starts feeling compelled to establish and maintain his or her authority over others with these tactics learned in childhood. The Controller will abandon the goals and progress of the group, the original mission, and will also sacrifice members of the group, in order to maintain his or her "Authority" position. (A healthy leader seeks to maintain the progress of the group, and will call on others to help and take over the reins when needed.)
So, look out for Approval Withholders, they are playing out habits they learned a long time ago, and are unlikely to change. They need to feel in control in order to feel good, so when they feel challenged by someone who simply wants an equal relationship, they tend to "bite". In their minds, when their "authority" is not being complied with, they are being rejected and rebelled against, and will simply increase their efforts. The best thing to do, if you know you are not going to be able to maintain playing their game, is to keep a wide berth. Don't get close enough to become a target. (And if you already did, then use their own tactics against them, and back away.)
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