My Daughter Is So Spoiled And Acts Like A Brat

"My daughter is a spoiled brat! She's bossy and has an attitude! I give her everything and she doesn't appreciate it! She's an ungrateful, spoiled little b----!"

Does this sound familiar? Do you know someone who's frustrated because their daughter just refuses to behave right? Refuses to act nice and sweet, like other kids, or like she used to be?


When we make this kind of complaint about our daughters we are usually simply making a couple of easily fixable parenting mistakes, such as complaining to only people who will agree with us about their daughter being a brat. (When we limit our complaints to only those who will go along with us, it's usually because we don't really want to fix anything, we just want to socialize and complain, and feel like our friends care about us and sympathize with us. We're trying to get support, but we're not doing anything to repair our problem.)
So that's the first and most common mistake: complaining, but without seeking any way to change the problem.

We want our daughters to be polite, socially kind and nice, happy, easy-going and sweet, and also neat, and willing to do their chores. Of course we do! We're parents, that's what parents expect! And we want exactly the same things from our sons, as well, and we discipline them for the same things, in the same way! Don't we? Well, not so much. While we're annoyed that our daughter did not clear the table after supper and help with the dishes, we didn't seem to notice that our son went out to play as soon as his own plate was cleared. That means we placed an expectation on one child but not the other, just because of what sex they are.

If we had twin sons, we would separate our expectations of them in that way? (Some people would, based on the way each son looks, and whether they like one better than the other.)

 When we treat our sons and daughters so differently from one another, it's not about who THEY are, it's about who WE are.


We tend to treat sons and daughters very differently from one another, and right in front of each other, but expect the same results from both of them.


We make mistakes of expectations with daughters, mostly because we want them to be more socially highly developed than our sons. We like to tell ourselves, and each other, that boys are a certain way and it can't be helped, so we let them run with a lot more behavior, and even encourage them to do a lot more activities and behaviors. But we tend to forget that daughters are real people, real kids, just like our sons. and they have the same full array of emotions that sons have.  They need to be recognized for the good and right things they do, just like we do for sons, and they don't need to be managed, trained, and judged so closely, so much more closely than sons.
 
Does it get on your nerves when she acts silly, laughs loudly, expresses frustration or anger? Does it hurt your feelings or make you angry when she doesn't do what you tell her to do, or when she doesn't behave toward you like she's made of sugar and honey? Does it make you mad when she protests the way you're treating her? Does it aggravate you or anger you when she doesn't jump when you say jump, when she doesn't behave perfectly, or when she won't bend to your command and expectations?

Does it make you mad when she says she's being treated unfairly?

Does it annoy you or EMBARRASS you when she wants to do things that you don't want her to do, or be good at, or be interested in, because "she's a girl", and "not a boy"?
Does it embarrass you when other people might see her wearing clothes that aren't girly enough, or when her hair isn't perfect, or doing things that you only want sons to do?

None of those emotions, anger, aggravation, annoyance or embarrassment are coming FROM HER.
ALL of those emotions are coming FROM US, and are ABOUT US.
We are not separating our emotional reactions about not getting what we WANT for OURSELVES from being a PARENT to a real human child.


The real bottom line is, we are in the habit of raising our sons to be more of who THEY are, the most confident "THEM" they can be (hopefully, in a healthy family), and we help them prepare for the real tough world out there. BUT at the same time, we are in the habit of raising our DAUGHTERS to be what WE want them to be! Not who or what THEY ARE!

We are giving our sons tools and lessons in being strong... but if they're so much naturally stronger than girls, then why aren't we giving a double dose of those same lessons and tools to our daughters? Instead of what we usually do: refuse to give them any of these same lessons or tools?

We don't wait and see what toys our daughters choose, we encourage them to choose certain toys, we give them certain toys. We do this to our sons as well. We don't care about WHO THEY ALREADY ARE, and guide them and nurture them AS the people they already are, or are becoming. We try to MAKE THEM INTO the person WE want them to be.

We have a pre-made mold in our heads of "Who She Should Be", "How She Should Act", "What She Likes", and "What She Is Capable Of." 

We don't wait and see anything about her as a person, like we do with our sons, and even when we DO watch and see her as a person, we put her down and criticize her instead of praise her for her unique character and personality. 
We encourage sons to INFLATE their personalities, and be proud of who and what they are, and we press down on daughters to DIMINISH their personalities, and feel like they need to hide who and what they are. 

A boy who is always making jokes and funny noise is "so cute", "so funny", and "so endearing", but a girl with is always making jokes and funny noise is "annoying" and "tries to get attention".  

A son who is constantly talking about science, animals, and dinosaurs is called "so smart" and "gregarious", and is encouraged with trips to the museum and zoo, outings, toys and books, science experiments and animals inside the house. But a girl who talks in exactly the same way, who's interests are exactly the same, is called a "know it all", "annoying", "boring", and MIGHT be taken on an outing or allowed to have maybe one pet, and probably only small toys that won't be IN THE WAY or MESSY.

Why don't we assess each child for the same behaviors in the same way? Because of US, our OWN personal issues. Not because of the CHILDREN.

And we seem to be completely okay with our delusion...  it doesn't seem to phase us in the least about the effects of the way we treat our children ON our children... we just keep making excuses and justifications, and blaming the children.

So when our little boy runs around the room making fire engine noises, waving a wooden block in the air, and wearing a cape, we go "OH isn't he CUTE? He's ALL BOY!" Is this good or bad? Probably good, unless we're ignoring the fact that he's disrupting other people, or stomping on things. That would be "spoiling" him, and that's about OUR issues, not about HIM. Calling him a "brat" means we don't know how to guide and discipline children. But if he's not stomping on things, then it's adorable, right?

But when our little girl runs around the room making fire engine noises, waving a wooden block in the air, and wearing a cape, (exactly the same thing as our little boy), we shrill "Calm down! Be quiet! Put that block down! Come over here and play nice!"

Know why?
Wait, were you going to say "because little boys and little girls are just different"?
Are they? If they're so different, than why did that little girl and little boy do the same exact thing?

If it was good for our little boy to be free to follow his imagination and make those noises and run around pretending to be a super-hero, building his confidence, building his imagination, having fun, being himself, then it was good for our little girl to do the same as well, for the same reasons.

The answer is because WE have sexism and bias issues. Not because the little girl somehow just naturally deserves to be treated with so much more micro-judging and micro-management than the little boy. 


Remember, they aren't a different "animal", as if boys are big strong dogs who are always happy go lucky and can't help but lumber around on the furniture and roll around in the grass because they're so strong, and as if girls are cats who are always dainty and fearful with agendas and attitudes, with brittle bones and frail, weak bodies, that's just a cartoonish, false image painted by silly stories, and certain eras of "high society".  They're all human kids, and they all need the same things from parents and other adults: They need the same kind of guidance and instruction, the same kind of nurturing, the same kind of protection, the same kind of love and care, and the same kind of encouragement. 

Let's say we do have twin sons. They are both going to the same school, playing in the same neighborhood with the same kids, some of whom will be bullies. They are both dealing with the personalities of the different teachers in their school, and dealing with the social climate of the school. Both of them have to make the same effort to keep good marks. We give them support, means, and guidance in dealing with all of this stuff in their lives, to build their confidence, and we give them help in making their lives fulfilling and fun. We know that we are helping to prepare both of them for adulthood, for becoming adults in the real world, for growing up and being able to deal with the harsh world, being able to support themselves and "make a name" for themselves. We encourage them to test their strength, build their friendship networks, show their abilities both physical and mental to the world and to themselves. We know that the more confidence they build in themselves for their physical abilities and mental abilities, the better they'll do in life. We want each of them to believe in themselves, and their own capability, and we tend to spread around to others how proud we are of their strengths and abilities.

We give them opportunities to show and build their strength, agility, and mental prowess, and we give them everything they need to do this. 

Both twin sons are preparing for the same world, would we prepare one of them for that world, but not the other, because one of them is bigger and one is smaller? 
Or would we prepare only the one we like, but drop the ball with the other because their personality isn't pleasing to us? 

Unless we have some kind of personal issues, (and many do), we don't only prepare one of our twin sons for their life in this world that we live in, but not the other.
Because the world is a certain way, all of our sons need our help, guidance, and preparation so they can become proud, capable, and effective adults. It's a harsh world, and independence does not come easy, it takes a lot of work and guts.

We know this, so we prepare our sons as best we can, and make a soft place for them to fall when they make mistakes or run into trouble.

We don't want to step on their self-confidence or their ego, and we want them to be independent and have initiative. So we don't micro-manage them or make them wear certain clothes. We let them make decisions, and we don't come down on them too hard for their manners, the way they treat others, especially the way they treat girls and women, or the way they pick on other boys.

We often kind of encourage them to be a little cocky and arrogant, because we think this will help them stay confident, and believe in their own leadership qualities.

We often don't come down on them very hard even for obvious criminal activities like stealing or the misuse of motor vehicles; we say that they've "learned their lesson" just from getting in trouble with the law. We help them with getting a job, we make sure everyone thinks highly of them by talking about the things they do, and we praise their good behavior and their contributions and their work every chance we get, trying to build their self-confidence so they can deal with this difficult world we live in, and be successful. 

So, why do we like it when our sons show independence, strength, confidence and PRIDE, but when our daughters show it, we judge them for being unruly? Why do we purposely give our sons toys, lessons, and equipment that will prepare them for the "real world" and help them learn, but we give our daughters frills, clothing, and play toys, and whether they want them or not? 
 
Why don't we teach our daughters what they need to know for "real life" like we teach our sons? If either one of them need to know how to maintain their own car, for example, it's our daughter even more than our son, and the reasons are obvious to anyone with awareness about how "the real world" is.

We will even purposely teach our sons to work on a car and fix things in spite of their complaining and whining that they want to do something else, but NOT teach our daughters, and we'll often say "it's because she's not interested". Except we seem to forget that we didn't care about our SON'S LACK of interest, his whining, sulking, and complaining that he'd rather be hanging out with his friends or playing video games.

Then, we'll actually attribute our son's knowledge of cars and handy work to "natural ability", even though we initially made them learn and help, and we'll attribute our daughter's lack of knowledge and handy work to her being a "girl", as if our lack of teaching her is HER fault. We made all kinds of effort to teach our sons how to change the oil, how to change a tire, how to fix a hole in the wall, and how to throw and hit a baseball and catch a football, in spite of complaints and sulking. But regarding teaching our daughters, we send them inside to sit in their room, and then we say that she doesn't care about those things or understand them.

Why do we give our sons all kinds of opportunities to prove their abilities and physical strength because we know how important they are for self-esteem and confidence building as a person, but we don't give our daughters these same opportunities? And when we do, we don't make it a "huge deal" like we do with our sons. (A good coach/instructor knows better, and knows that girls and boys need the SAME opportunities and the SAME guidance and encouragement, but most people seem not to understand this; most people will BUILD THE EGOS of boys all day, but try to DIMINISH THE EGOS of girls. ....And then wonder why the girls seem to be less happy and less confident, and less "sunny" and "happy go lucky" than the boys around them.)

What is it that seems to make us forget that our daughters are going to have to live in the same world as our sons will? Perhaps it's remnants of a television and movie world in our heads where we bought into this idea that girls will live under the umbrella of a brilliant, strong, perfect, wealthy man who treats her like a queen, and so we are already thinking that's "who she is". Perhaps in our imaginations, even if she's only 7 or 14, we see her as the protected wife of a wealthy, strong, doting husband who provides her with her every whim, and coddles her in every way. Perhaps because of the image we hold of our daughters in our imaginations, we feel certain feelings toward her such as jealousy or envy, and even though none of the image is real, we treat our daughters accordingly. 

The fact is, our daughters are actually growing up into an even more difficult world than our sons are. On the average, girls and woman are physically smaller than boys and men, which automatically gives them a disadvantage in life. As you can see with boys who bully other boys, smaller people are often bullied in various ways, on the playground of course, but in life as well. So there are a lot more adults in the world who are bigger than our daughters than our sons. We seem to be aware that our sons may get bullied, but we seem to pretend that our daughters are somehow exempt and outside the reach of bullies. When we look at it directly, we know that that's just silly, girls and women get bullied all the time, more than boys and men, and they get bullied by both females and males.

Women get sabotaged by other women in real life ways, both socially and in business, and everyone knows it, but no one teaches their daughters how to effectively DEAL WITH IT. Because that would be ADMITTING that DAUGHTERS HAVE A LOT OF EXTRA CRAP TO DEAL WITH just to work and live. And that would mean having compassion for them instead of just JUDGMENT and CRITICISM.

Men also sabotage and bully women, and everyone knows this, too. But again, no one teaches girls how to deal with it, because that would be admitting that it's REAL, and then one would have to admit that PEOPLE WE KNOW PERSONALLY ARE DOING IT. And that would just mess everything up, wouldn't it.....??? Yeah, let's just throw our daughters, our own kids, under the bus instead of dealing with the reality that there are men we are friends with and work with who are DOWNRIGHT DISRESPECTFUL to our OWN KIDS.  (And yes, some people will do this to their own sons too.)

The very bottom of this vat of murky water is that adults project their own biases onto children, and then raise them accordingly. They don't teach their sons and daughters the same values, or give them the same guidance, encouragement, and preparation for the world they're BOTH going to live in: they EDIT the way they raise each child in order to manipulate a projected outcome. Their not raising children as the people they actually ARE, they're trying to turn kids into what they WANT THEM TO BE. Regardless of the damage it causes to the child's self-image, self-esteem, emotional health, or future.

Very few adults raise kids, either boys or girls, to have consistent values, to treat ALL PEOPLE according to the CHILD'S VALUES, not according to whether they LIKE or feel SUPERIOR TO another person. Or to measure THEMSELVES by these same values. How one treats a person of one sex AND the other is a direct reflection on the person themselves.

And the reason it's so hard for most adults to raise kids with consistent values and integrity toward all people is because they aren't doing it themselves. Kids learn to be how they're treated, and they learn to treat others how they're SHOWN. And they learn from ALL OF THE ADULTS around them, not just from one, or even two.

Let's raise our children to be healthy, strong, and confident, with CONSISTENT integrity, values, and ethics that don't change with each person they talk to, and don't change toward THEMSELVES because of their sex or some other physical body trait.

There's a very old adage, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander."
Literally, it means that the same things are good for both sexes, and stop falling into the trap of believing the fictional, made up stories about vast, ridiculous blanket differences between female and male geese, or humans. Individual male geese are different from other male geese, and individual male humans are different from other male humans. And so it is for individual female geese, and individual female humans. Each goose is not a CLONE of all the other geese who are the same sex, and they're not a DIFFERENT ANIMAL from the other goose-sex. And neither are humans.

There are differences, of course, so let the OTHER INDIVIDUAL PERSON show and tell us who and what they are. Instead of US INSISTING on telling THEM who and what they are based on our own cartoon images that we carry in our heads..


M.Black 2013

Aspiring Artists, Musicians, Writers, Actors, Etc., and Dealing With Narcissists

Those who are in "the Arts", especially those who do original work, often find out early about how widespread and severe Narcissistic control can be. The nature of the "Arts" means there is less established structure and hierarchy, and less specific checks and balances determining what's "good work" and what's not (like there is in other fields; if you're in accounting, for example, you know if you did it right, you aren't subject to someone's opinion.) So the free-form nature of the Arts fields attracts Narcissists, and they find it quite easy to prey on those who aspire to build some kind of career in the arts.

One of the very common behaviors one will find in any Arts field is the "Critic". Of course, Narcissists attack what and who they envy, what they feel threatened by, so when someone nearby displays talent and skill, they usually do one of two things: they either latch onto the person, or they try to pound the person down.
Criticizing the person's work, performance, ability and skill is the usual go-to behavior.

Another one is ad hominem, criticizing and insulting the PERSON, and trying to get others to believe they're a "bad person who WE don't like". ... "yeah she's talented, but what a prima dona." or "yeah he's good, but he's just too weird for me."
(If an artist/musician/writer is not a close personal friend, why would anyone be focusing so closely on their personality? Have they actually spent much, or any, real time with the person? Do they do that with their their dentist, or their accountant? Their local government office holders? Do they hire and fire police officers based on whether they personally like to hang out with them or not? Do they refuse to work with their coworkers based on whether they like them or not?)

A very important behavior comes from those who "hold the reins". Obviously any position of control is more likely to attract Narcissists, and that can be found in spades in the Arts because of the lack of consequences.

As a result ~ those who are very talented, very good, very original often run into the ENVY/CONTROL factor. An artist who does not submit to a Narcissistic producer/employer/band leader's commands, demands, whims and ego may be given the whole range of Narc. rage, from threats, to manipulation, to discard, to smearing.

An artist who SEEMS LIKE they won't submit will often be rejected and discarded BEFORE they're even considered by the Narc. producer for work, no matter how brilliant they are, how talented, or how much money they could make the producer or the record label (or the agency, the company, the gallery, etc.)

An artist who the Narc. producer/employer ENVIES will most likely also be discarded or even smeared before they even know that the Narc. producer noticed their existence.
 
Since most Narcissists are obsessed with CONTROL, with a very high dose of inflated ego, a Narc. in any kind of "leadership" position wants control OVER the artist, and the artist's work and performance. So they would usually rather "work with", "sign", or hire an artist who they think they can control and manipulate. An artist (any arts field) who shows obvious autonomy, independence, and awareness is not desirable to them, even if there was a large potential for money.  For many  Narcissists, having control over another person IS the supply; money is secondary.

Even in a Teacher/Student situation, a Narcissistic teacher will often treat the student with the most talent and potential as if they are a "waste of their time", like they're a "loser", like they're "in the wrong field" or the "wrong class". They'll often treat this student like a burden to them, because the fact is the student IS a "burden", on the Narcissist. Nothing burdens a Narcissist more than having to deal with someone, even a child, who they feel OUTSHINED by.



   

Sexism, Racism, and Christianity

Both racism and sexism are anti-Christian.

So is any other "ism".

There are no "lower" children of God, or "higher" children of God.

Humility is the foundation of Christ's teachings.

The recognition of all of God's children as God's children, and treating them as such. 

There is no humility in placing one's self above another of God's children, period.

If one desires to place one's self in a position above or below another one of God's children, may they choose wisely.

For the sake of their own soul.

Control Freak Much? Bratty, Spoiled, Immature Control Freaks Have Always Competed For "King"

People who think that "equality for women" has been a normal part of life for generations are quite mistaken. Equality has never been a "normalcy" in most human societies, neither for sex nor race, EVER. Anywhere.

What it has ALWAYS been, in most human "civilizations", is basically this:
Certain males (not all males, not just random males, but only CERTAIN males) who were GIVEN some kind of "birthright" of "power", mostly because their families or FRIENDS had the most wealth and therefore could buy more weapons and hire more soldiers to help them bully everyone else, were the ones in charge. Usually they were the native race in the country or region, except in the cases where they had destroyed and taken over someone else's country. So there were Caucasian control freaks making themselves into "Kings", and there were African control freaks making themselves into "Kings", Asian control freaks, Polynesian Control Freaks, even Native American control freaks each trying to be the Ultimate Ruler control freak bully psycho, controlling everyone else and making slaves out of other human beings of both other races and their OWN.

Even if one family or "King" knew it was wrong and stupid, he could not let his "rule" fail if he wanted to protect all the people, because there was ALWAYS some control-freak psycho whack-job either trying to kill him personally and take his "crown" and get to be the "King", or trying to take over the whole "kingdom" with weapons and destruction (stupid, yes, and yet.. over and over, and over... ad nauseum).


Not "kind of like", but EXACTLY like, little boys who fight with each other over who gets to be in charge of the cool toy. Not "kind of like", but EXACTLY LIKE.  Those same little boys are the ones who make the "no girls allowed" clubs.
Without a mature adult around to tell them to knock it off or go home, they roll around until someone gets hurt, and the toy gets broken.
It's just basic Homo Sapien Sapien moronic domination behavior, sans intelligent thought process.

This is not speculation, this is how it's been for centuries. People like to try to justify it and glorify it, and make heroes and villains, but the facts are stark and obvious when you don't try to embellish them with b.s. This still goes on in MOST PLACES, in different forms, most of them try to make it look civilized and cover up what's really going on, try to blame someone else, try to make someone else look like the Barbarian, but ... it's still here, alive and well. Some places are still so bad that people don't know if they'll survive from week to week, day to day.

Anyone, male or female, who didn't at least pretend to go along with them got singled out, jailed, killed, or their families torn apart, so... only if you had some way of having huge amounts of wealth where you could hire a bigger army and buy more weapons could you really do anything about it. Otherwise, you either had to run away into the wilderness, take your chances in the desert, probably die, or move somewhere else into the territory of a DIFFERENT bully whack-job control freak.

Our "civilization" in the West is of course much safer than many other places in the past or even in the present, but that's because of one reason and one reason only:
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN FIGHTING THEIR A**ES OFF FOR OUR FREEDOM AND "EQUALITY" FOR YEARS AND YEARS, AND ARE STILL FIGHTING.

Inequality doesn't just "go away" because it's a "new era" and everyone is "smart now". There's a REASON that the human species has ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS been oppressing it's OWN self. As a species, we're really NOT that bright. As individuals, we can be intelligent, sometimes, but as a species, NOT.

Humans GET OFF ON OPPRESSION AND DOMINATION OF OTHER HUMANS. 

It's a fact.

That's why they get sooooo excited about sporting events where one team is "dominating" the other. Don't like it? TOO BAD, it's the truth. That's why they COMPETE for jobs, promotions, and "top spots" instead of helping each other and sharing resources.
That's why they'll PULL THE RUG OUT from under a person who they feel envy toward, who they feel intimidated by.

That's why so many people create HOSTILE ENVIRONMENTS for other people, in order to keep their little group all the same RACE, or all the same SEX. They do it at WORK, at SCHOOL, in SPORTS, in CLUBS, in the ARTS, in GOVERNMENT.
They even allow and encourage little kids to do it on the playground at school and in their neighborhood, and even in their OWN HOME.

"Equality" is not some kind of "given", and when people take it for granted they are displaying tremendous ignorance, about the world, humans, their communities, and their history, both distant and RECENT.

In the US for example, Black MALES were allowed to vote in the mid-late 1800s, and it was the Republican Party, not the Democrat Party, who made that happen. However, FEMALES of all races, including "white", "black", and "Native", were NOT allowed to vote, to participate as full citizens in most states, until 1920 with the 19th Amendment.

1920! Not the 5th century, or the 17th century, or even the 19th century. It was not ratified until the twentieth century! And that was FORTY ONE YEARS after it was drafted in the first place.

And it was only drafted because the language in the 14th and 15th Amendments, the ones that granted blacks the right to vote, BLEW WOMEN OFF. It protected MALE citizens, but NOT FEMALE citizens. Many of the people who fought HARD for the 14th and 15th Amendments to be passed in 1868 and 1870 were FEMALE, so this was a huge, disgusting. pathetic, childish slap in the face, once again, from the same little spoiled, bully control freaks who were already doing it all along anyway.

No less than FORTY YEARS later... Before that, individual states dictated whether women could vote or not, and ABOUT WHAT...

....CONTROL FREAK MUCH?!?

It has not even been ONE CENTURY yet since it was ratified. After that, there was STILL a ton of ridiculous, pathetic, control-freak attempts by CERTAIN people (not all males) to keep women from voting, from receiving education and instruction, and from working, and especially in fields that control freaks wanted for men-only. (Which is just creepy to me.)
People, both men and women, have been dealing with this crap for decades. The Civil Rights Act wasn't even passed until 1964!!! That's practically NOW, people who were alive then are still alive and well NOW. It was just yesterday.

There is STILL, RIGHT NOW, a HUGE amount of sexism and racism in Western Civilization, and the less people who know better take it SERIOUSLY, the more there will be.

Oppression and control-freakism in the human species is EVER PRESENT. It doesn't "go away", EVER. It WAITS for an opportunity to spring right back up, like crab grass, or more appropriately, like a VIRUS. It's unfortunately part of the Human Psyche, it's not some kind of "Era" thing.

Just like all the other Freedoms people have worked and fought so hard for. You SNOOZE, you LOSE.

It's important to understand that there are BOTH men and women who participate in this weird control-freak stuff, and they are men and women of ALL RACES and ancestries. They simply get off on power over other people, and trying to dominate other people, they don't really care WHO they're dominating. The fact that they have someone to oppress, control, and boss around is all that matters. They are getting off on the feeling of bossing others around and controlling them, and they get off on being part of some kind of "elite clique" that they created themselves. THAT'S ALL. They exist now, they always have, and they always will.

It's just basic lower common denominator of Homo Sapien Sapien. Accept it, believe it, don't let anyone talk you into believing it's something from "the past". We don't need to be all doom and gloom about it, let it depress us, let it ruin our day and wreck our future. That's the opposite of what we need to be; that's what all oppressors want; for others to feel weak and defeated and depressed. Just BE AWARE, and don't live in a fantasy world, and for Pity's sake don't be one of those people who tell other people to "Let It Go" or "Stop Dwelling" or "Stop Making Such A Big Deal About It". Seriously, don't be one of those bozos.
Use your own brain, not your social network to view the world.
And remember that you are a real citizen, just like everyone else.




M.Black 2013

Fear Of Other Groups

Fear of "other" groups, of losing control and power to them:

"Only those who seek control and domination over others recoil when one of those 'others' stands up, speaks out loud, or does something openly visible to express their own thoughts or feelings.
Usually because they fear losing their 'position' of control that they're comfortable in.
Only those with weak or injured boundaries fear indoctrination when others speak. ~

When we get angry or annoyed at something someone has done or said, we can ask ourselves three things:

What are we REALLY upset about?

Did they cause actual harm, or are we just projecting that onto them?

How would we have reacted if one of our own cronies did or said the same thing, or something similar?

(saying "my friends wouldn't have done/said that" doesn't make the question lose credibility, sorry~ it's still valid even if we don't like it.)"

Who Do I Listen To And Believe? Who Do I Ignore And Dismiss?

Human beings are taught to accept and believe information from certain types of people, and literally reject it from other types of people. (Narcissists seem to do this in an exaggerated way).

Unfortunately for us as a species... there's a real problem with this, because...
The difference between the kinds of people they accept information FROM, and who they REJECT information from has nothing to do with who is actually smarter, wiser, or more knowledgeable, or more experienced.

Instead, it's based on childhood experiences, on the environment and people we grew up around, and on one's own identity and ego.

We grew up watching the people around us. Whoever THEY accepted information from is who WE learned to accept and believe information from.
And vice versa, whoever THEY rejected and dismissed, WE reject and dismiss.

Whoever we thought was "strong" we tended to believe was also "smart and trustworthy", and we internalized what they looked like and the PHYSICAL type of person they were. Since we were children, we had no way of knowing whether they were actually strong, smart, or trustworthy; they may have been, or they may have just projected that image on purpose in order to get attention and acceptance.
Whoever we thought was "weak" we tended to believe was also "ignorant" and "emotionally frail", and we again internalized what they looked like and the PHYSICAL type of person they were. But they might not have been "weak" or "ignorant" or "stupid" at all; we might not have known that they were being TREATED that way by immature or abusive people around us.

To children, the people who APPEAR to be "smart", "capable", and "Leaders" (because they are presenting themselves that way, or because other people who are polite and well-mannered are treating them that way) are of course who they're going to believe really ARE.
And vice versa.

In other words, if Uncle John and Uncle Joe are brothers, and little Brian and Sarah see Uncle John treat Uncle Joe with disrespect all the time, they aren't going to see what's really going on.
They're simply going to see Uncle John acting "confidently" and "strongly", and see Uncle Joe acting "unsure of himself" or "defensive". They will most likely BELIEVE THE ACT, they won't understand that Uncle John is just an arrogant jerk with entitlement and insecurity issues who's jealous of his brother Joe, and tries to belittle him every chance he gets. And they won't understand that Uncle Joe is a very strong, intelligent person who has been dealing with his brother's emotional issues for years, and has accepted his limitations.
So Brian and Sarah will mistakenly see Uncle John as the "strong, capable one" and Uncle Joe as the "less capable, kind of weak" one, although he's kinder to them.
But it's Uncle John that they'll "Look up to" as a "Leader-type", not Uncle Joe, who's ACTUALLY a "Leader-type".
So people who look and act like Uncle John will be assumed to be "strong", "capable", and "knowledgeable" by Sarah and Brian, and people who look and act like Uncle Joe will be assumed to be a "weaker, shyer type" who is not very knowledgeable, capable or intelligent.

When we apply this same scenario to other people, such as couple and parents, clergy people we grew up around, teachers, coaches, public service employees, politicians, and people on television and in movies, we can see how this works on a rather large scale.

We don't even ASK certain kinds of people for information, instruction, or guidance, we think that we know that they're limited, ignorant or incapable just by their body, by the way they look, what sex they are, how tall they are, and what race they are. What clothes they have on.

That's ALL visual, superficial stuff that does NOT show what's inside of a person's brain or how their brain works, or what they're physically capable of.

No, we do NOT know how strong or how weak a person is by looking at them, no matter how much we want that to be true.

Accepting information from one person and rejecting it from another is all about US, not THEM. Assuming a person is capable of something, or incapable of something, is about US, not THEM.

For example, we will believe the completely WRONG directions when we're lost because one person told us those directions, and we won't even ASK another person who DOES know the right directions, just because of the way each of them looks.

We won't "let" one person perform or assist us with a certain task because we ASSUME they "can't do it", which is extremely presumptuous and insulting toward the person, it's very bad manners and very disrespectful.

However we'll actually go seek out someone ELSE who we ASSUME is capable of the task, EVEN WHEN someone nearby has already offered to help.

Again, that's about US, not the other people.

It's all about making sweeping, huge, fantastical assumptions about other people, based on our own egos and imaginations. We "assign" capability, wisdom, strength and knowledge to those whom we WANT to have it, and we "take it away" (in our imaginations) from those whom we DO NOT WANT to have it.

This behavior is usually modeled while we're growing up by certain older people around us, and we are often not shown that there's anything wrong with it, that it's not reality-based.

Even worse, we do this to OURSELVES, and to our own children, partners, and other loved ones.

Those with control and narcissism issues are often very invested in this behavior, and may play it out to a ridiculous degree. They are the ones who will adamantly perpetuate and play out the most far-fetched, extreme stereotypes, gender expectations, sexist assumptions, bullying and attempts to control anyone smaller than themselves, and racial biases.
People are like cartoons to them; whatever they "look like" to the N. is what they ARE in the fantasy world of the person with Narcissism.

Free Will

Recovery from Narcissistic control, trauma, and codependency includes remembering one's own sacred gift of Free Will.

I invite you to speak these sentences out loud.

I invite you to repeat them out loud, as many times as you like, for as long as you like. 

If you are not yet of adult age, then you are not yet entitled to make all of your own choices and decisions, however you are responsible for the ones that you are allowed to make on your own, which would be most of them, every day. When you reach adult age, then you will be fully responsible for all of your choices and decisions.   

"My name is  _____ _____ _____."

I am capable of making my own choices.

I am entitled to make my own choices.

I am capable of the responsibility of my own choices.

I am entitled to the rewards of my own choices."

Sometimes our choices seem to turn out great, and other times they turn out to be mistakes. That's everyone, not just some people.  The gift of Free Will means we are each responsible for learning to think before we act and speak, because we are the ones who either reap the consequences or the rewards, and we are entitled to BOTH. Those consequences are ours to own, and to learn from, as are the rewards we receive from the choices we make. 

Free Will is the sacred gift that each human being is born with. Raising children includes teaching them how to think before they make choices, and respecting their own Free Will as well as that of others. It is our entitlement, our privilege, and our responsibility. 

Playing Catch, or Playing Pickle~ Depends On The Drama Factor

The energy displacement that happens when we are dealing with frustrating, confusing, and conflicted relationships causes fatigue, tiredness, and even exhaustion and illness.
To put it in a condensed image, if you're playing catch with someone, you can improve your throw and your catching quickly if you're both paying attention to what you're doing. If you're both genuinely participating in the game of catch. Which means treating the other person with normal respect and manners, not inserting ego, control, or drama.

But when the other person brings in personal issues, then the game changes for YOU, because you're not just playing "catch" anymore, because THEY'RE not just playing catch.

If the other person envies you and starts to act out on that envy, they might do all kinds of things like whip the ball hard, or try to hit you with it, try to make you miss, make fun of your throw, your catch, or the way you look. Now you're not just playing catch, you're expending a great deal of energy dealing with all the extra dramatics that THEY are doing. Plus, you're getting frustrated that you are now unable to actually practice. To play catch, you need the other person to participate, or YOU can't do it.

If the other person assigns themselves as your "superior", you'll have to deal with that behavior. So instead of just playing catch as a peer, they start giving you unsolicited "advice" and instruction; they talk down to you trying to make you into their inferior; they criticize your throw, your catch, your glove, your stance, your shoes, your clothes; they speak to you as if you are categorically lesser than they are as a person. They refuse just to PLAY CATCH, so now you have to deal with their behavior INSTEAD of just playing catch. Now you can't really practice, and you're not getting enjoyment out of the game. Plus, the feelings that you may experience such as frustration, possible humiliation, annoyance and maybe anger add to your fatigue.

If the other person was just pretending to want to practice with you, but they really just had nothing better to do at the time, they aren't going to be at all focused on playing catch with you. They'll be looking around, checking their phone, turning around, barely throwing or catching the ball, not at all "into" it, barely even present, because they're just using you to ward off boredom. And, they may be a controller who wanted to make sure you didn't find someone else to play ball with.
So instead of finding someone ELSE to play catch who was actually into it, you're playing fake-catch with someone who PRETENDED they wanted to play, just to have something to do, and to prevent you from hanging out with someone else. Now you have to deal with their frustrating behavior, the feelings that often come up when you realize you've been "played", and the frustration that you are not actually practicing or playing catch, and are getting no enjoyment out of it.

If the other person is a serious controller or a narcissist, then they MIGHT say "yes" to your request to a game of catch, but when you start playing, it's all about THEM, NOT the game. They may take on a "superior" role and dictate how the game should be played, "coach" you, criticize you, try to "run" this simple game of catch, and therefore are not actually playing "Catch" (they're playing "coach").
Or, they might act like a fragile child and try to get you to alter the whole game around them, to the nth degree, beyond friendly personal adjustments~ for example a friendly adjustment might be "I hurt my wrist yesterday, so don't throw too hard, okay?" But a controller-manipulation might sound instead like "You throw too hard! You're hurting my wrist! You're going to have to hand it to me after you catch it."
If you don't accept their every criticism and comply with their every alteration and command, or if you stand up to them at all,  politely, they will "TAKE THEIR BALL AND GO HOME."

If a person is just the kind of bully that lives their lives around domination displays, then they might say "yes" to playing catch with you just for the opportunity for more domination displays. Such as.. throwing the ball over your head so you have to go get it. Or, throwing the ball out of your reach on purpose, so you'll try to catch it, but then you'll have to go get it. Or catching the ball and then whipping it back as fast as they can, trying to "scare you" or "make you flinch". This again is NOT "playing catch", or practicing, so you're expending energy on playing THEIR "games", but not on playing catch. Now if you want to actually play catch, you'll have to go and find someone else, after you're fatigued and tired from the fake game you were just playing, the physical and the mental and emotional "game". 

Even if the other person is not a controller per se, but is just not serious about playing catch, and doesn't care that you really want to play catch or need to practice (that's why you asked them to play), their behavior will change the game as well. A person who's not into it CAN fake it so you can practice, but a person who doesn't CARE about the fact that you want or need to practice is not going to even "fake it" for more than a couple of minutes. They won't keep focused, they'll get bored, they won't remember that you asked them to play for a specific reason. They'll keep "dropping the ball", and you'll end up expending energy and becoming frustrated trying to keep their mind on the game.

In most of these cases, it may have been better just to bounce the ball off the wall alone. However the game of catch takes at least TWO people, as do relationships. The behavior of those in the game or the relationship either add energy TO the game (or relationship), or cause others to expend extra energy in trying to deal with the behaviors. When extra energy is expended "cleaning up messes", "putting out fires", "dealing with unfairness", "walking on eggshells", or "catering to egos", then the energy that would have been spent on actually practicing the game, playing the game, and building relationships is displaced.

Focus, Where Is Yours?

Focus.

When there is a person who has some form of Narcissism somewhere in our lives, that is where our minds are usually focused; we think, do, feel, and plan with them either at the epicenter, or at least always "in mind".

People with Narcissism make themselves into a kind of gravity point, and at the same time emanate "fragility". To put it in simple imagery, they're like a salt water crocodile made of fine china. You're always worrying about their bite and their tail whipping, and at the same time you're worrying about breaking them by walking too heavily near them or saying the 'wrong' thing. There WILL be consequences, whether they bite you, or someone else bites you for "cracking" or "chipping" them.

This image of fine. precious, fragile china combined with the snapping, gnashing, wide-reaching, hyper-triggered WRATH of the crocodile is how they project themselves into the world. Some people see more of the precious, fragile china, and other see more of the looming crocodile. So, some feel oppressed by the Narcissist, like one would if they had to live near a live crocodile, and others are very protective of the Narcissist, even hyper-protective, ready to strike at anyone who comes near (even the N's own child).

As a result, people make plans around the Narcissist as a matter of daily living. Much like making a Ming Vas the center of the decor in a room, and always being aware of it when one enters so as not to break it. Or like tiptoeing around and diverting plans so as not to wake or provoke the sleeping crocodile.

ALL plans are made either around the Narcissist or with the Narcissist in mind somehow. One may even feel guilt or shame when a the N. is not included or given control over plans. Others will rally to make sure that the N. is being "treated properly and respectfully", even if they have to throw someone else under the nearest oncoming bus to do that.

Some plans may be hidden from the Narcissist in order to avoid consequences from them like resentment and subsequent "punishment", such as slander/backstabbing or emotional abuse.

Many plans include the Narcissist that would not have included them otherwise. Many plans are made and then given over to the N. to allow them to "approve" or "veto" them, even if the plans have absolutely nothing to do with them. Activities and plans are constantly being reworked or nixed altogether because they might not meet the N's "approval", or PLEASE the Narcissist.

From mundane, daily activities, including basic self-care and self-maintenance, to TV shows, to what to eat for lunch, to what kind of car to buy, to one's clothing, to one's social life, friends and activities, all the way across the gamut to one's career choices, life goals, life partners and where one lives are planned by long habit AROUND the Narcissist, what the N. might approve or disapprove of, what they N would say or do in response to a plan.

This behavior of living around the Narcissist is taught and learned in early childhood, all through the people that a child is involved with.

For example:
In Kindergarten, Christopher is playing with blocks, intently building. Katherine sits down next to him and plays with him, helping to build this wonderful structure. Lee sees them and becomes jealous, and knocks them down.
Now, instead of removing Lee from the play area and giving him some kind of disciplinary consequence (which would help him learn that bullying is wrong), the teacher instead tells Christopher and Katherine to ALLOW LEE to PLAY WITH THEM.

So the teacher, in one fell swoop, just sent a clear message to Christopher and Katherine that they should ALLOW BULLIES to literally walk on them and what they're doing, that standing up for themselves against a bully is not the "right thing to do" and that they should feel SORRY for Lee and PRETEND IT DIDN"T HAPPEN. And a clear message to Lee that it's PERFECTLY OKAY to behave that way, that there will be no consequences, and that other people SHOULD LET YOU disrespect and stomp on whatever they're doing.

This teacher repeats this backward messaging throughout the school year. By the end of the year the children who bullied others in the class have developed a feeling of entitlement and have not learned a thing about manners, respecting others, or social interaction. And the children who were being bullied have developed a habit of looking over their shoulder, coddling the bully kids so they won't wreck their stuff, and feel afraid to stand up for themselves or tell on the bullies, because they know the teacher will not protect them or discipline the bully.

We are taught and modeled this Narcissist-coddling throughout our childhoods in all kinds of situations and groups.

The boys' baseball coach using female words as insults to the male-only baseball team is a widespread practice, and CLEARLY coddles bullying, entitlement, and prejudice. Racist terms (against whites, blacks, or any other race) are used in the same way in many groups.

Why isn't anyone standing up against it?
Because they are being brainwashed to accept it, OR ELSE. Go along with it, OR ELSE. If you're not "one of us", we'll single you out and make your life miserable.
It's conditioning children to accept bully and abusive behavior in order to be ACCEPTED, and also to behave that way themselves.

Everyone PUSSY-FOOTS AROUND the bigots, the name callers, the disrespectors, and the bully-punks-brats. In order to avoid consequences for themselves, and be accepted, even though it's acceptance from people who are obviously very lacking in integrity and respect.

It's not about "political correctness", it's about actual Focus.

When there is a person who has some form of Narcissism somewhere in our lives, that is where our minds are usually focused; we think, do, feel, and plan with them either at the epicenter, or at least always "in mind".

People with Narcissism make themselves into a kind of gravity point, and at the same time emanate "fragility". To put it in simple imagery, they're like a salt water crocodile made of fine china. You're always worrying about their bite and their tail whipping, and at the same time you're worrying about breaking them by walking too heavily near them or saying the 'wrong' thing. There WILL be consequences, whether they bite you, or someone else bites you for "cracking" or "chipping" them.

This image of fine. precious, fragile china combined with the snapping, gnashing, wide-reaching, hyper-triggered WRATH of the crocodile is how they project themselves into the world. Some people see more of the precious, fragile china, and other see more of the looming crocodile. So, some feel oppressed by the Narcissist, like one would if they had to live near a live crocodile, and others are very protective of the Narcissist, even hyper-protective, ready to strike at anyone who comes near (even the N's own child).

As a result, people make plans around the Narcissist as a matter of daily living. Much like making a Ming Vas the center of the decor in a room, and always being aware of it when one enters so as not to break it. Or like tiptoeing around and diverting plans so as not to wake or provoke the sleeping crocodile.

ALL plans are made either around the Narcissist or with the Narcissist in mind somehow. One may even feel guilt or shame when a the N. is not included or given control over plans. Others will rally to make sure that the N. is being "treated properly and respectfully", even if they have to throw someone else under the nearest oncoming bus to do that.

Some plans may be hidden from the Narcissist in order to avoid consequences from them like resentment and subsequent "punishment", such as slander/backstabbing or emotional abuse.

Many plans include the Narcissist that would not have included them otherwise. Many plans are made and then given over to the N. to allow them to "approve" or "veto" them, even if the plans have absolutely nothing to do with them. Activities and plans are constantly being reworked or nixed altogether because they might not meet the N's "approval", or PLEASE the Narcissist.

From mundane, daily activities, including basic self-care and self-maintenance, to TV shows, to what to eat for lunch, to what kind of car to buy, to one's clothing, to one's social life, friends and activities, all the way across the gamut to one's career choices, life goals, life partners and where one lives are planned by long habit AROUND the Narcissist, what the N. might approve or disapprove of, what they N would say or do in response to a plan.

This behavior of living around the Narcissist is taught and learned in early childhood, all through the people that a child is involved with.

For example:
In Kindergarten, Christopher is playing with blocks, intently building. Katherine sits down next to him and plays with him, helping to build this wonderful structure. Lee sees them and becomes jealous, and knocks them down.
Now, instead of removing Lee from the play area and giving him some kind of disciplinary consequence (which would help him learn that bullying is wrong), the teacher instead tells Christopher and Katherine to ALLOW LEE to PLAY WITH THEM.

So the teacher, in one fell swoop, just sent a clear message to Christopher and Katherine that they should ALLOW BULLIES to literally walk on them and what they're doing, that standing up for themselves against a bully is not the "right thing to do" and that they should feel SORRY for Lee and PRETEND IT DIDN"T HAPPEN. And a clear message to Lee that it's PERFECTLY OKAY to behave that way, that there will be no consequences, and that other people SHOULD LET YOU disrespect and stomp on whatever they're doing.

This teacher repeats this backward messaging throughout the school year. By the end of the year the children who bullied others in the class have developed a feeling of entitlement and have not learned a thing about manners, respecting others, or social interaction. And the children who were being bullied have developed a habit of looking over their shoulder, coddling the bully kids so they won't wreck their stuff, and feel afraid to stand up for themselves or tell on the bullies, because they know the teacher will not protect them or discipline the bully.

We are taught and modeled this Narcissist-coddling throughout our childhoods in all kinds of situations and groups.

The boys' baseball coach using female words as insults to the male-only baseball team is a widespread practice, and CLEARLY coddles bullying, entitlement, and prejudice. Racist terms (against whites, blacks, or any other race) are used in the same way in many groups. Bullying within the team or group, or one group against another, is just more "training" to accept the behavior.

Why isn't anyone standing up against it?
Because they are being brainwashed to accept it, OR ELSE. Go along with it, OR ELSE. If you're not "one of us", we'll single you out and make your life miserable.
It's conditioning children to accept bully and abusive behavior in order to be ACCEPTED, and also to behave that way themselves.

Everyone PUSSY-FOOTS AROUND the bigots, the name callers, the disrespectors, and the bully-punks-brats. In order to avoid consequences for themselves, and be accepted, even though it's acceptance from people who are obviously very lacking in integrity and respect.

It's not about "political correctness", it's about actual integrity.

We are taught to accept the behavior of those who clearly show that they don't have it, nor do they have healthy, strong boundaries, and live our lives around their knee-jerk, snappy, long-reaching hair trigger wrath while being ever so careful not to chip their fragile, fine china skin.

The focus of a Narcissist is on themselves, and on making sure that they are the center of everyone else's.

The Lantern Within; Human Connection and Manipulation

All people hold a kind of lantern within themselves, a natural energy that emanates warmth and light, When we are near one another we connect with one another's energy.  Human connection is not just an abstract, new-agey theory, it's actually party of our make-up. Infants who are fed, cleaned, and physically cared for but who are not "connected with" by others can actually die. Children develop serious disorders when they are forced to live without genuine connection to others, and adults have been known to die of loneliness, or even commit suicide from a lack of genuine connection with others. 

It's the main reason we live and work the way we do, in groups. Humans will find all kinds of "reasons" to end up doing something where there are other people, instead of doing the same thing in solitary. 

If our boundaries are healthy and strong, we connect naturally, without trying to control the connection. We don't try to take more from someone else, nor do we shut the connection off from someone else. Nor do we try to control or shut down the connections between others.

Those with certain personality disorders or some mental illnesses focus on these connections, and use them to try to control other people. They may do things such as turn down their own natural energy lantern in order to "punish" another person, so they feel unconnected and abandoned, and to display "power" and "control" over the connection.

"If you don't do everything I want you to do, I'll turn off my 'lantern' so you feel disconnected".  When this is done to a child it can be devastating in many ways, and cause the child lasting damage.

When done to a partner, this can also cause serious damage to the person's well-being and emotional and mental health.

Narcissists tend to purposely connect with others in order to establish trust, and establish a hard-wire connection with the person. The other person has no way of knowing that the Narcissist is purposely controlling the connection, that it's not a natural one. When the Narcissist wants something from the other person, he or she may "plug back in" and give the person a flood of warmth, light, and camaraderie. But when they get what they were looking for, they unplug again.

They may block the connection and their "lantern" on purpose in order to send a target a message of control and "authority", AND to manipulate the target into coming TO THEM in order to "re-connect".

After a while, the target can become 'trained' to be the one who's going TO the Narcissist, without realizing that it's not a two-way street. When a disconnect is felt, the target goes to plug it back in, which is a natural human action. We maintain our connections with others as a matter of daily living.

But Narcissists disconnect on purpose for all kinds of manipulative reasons, training a target to come when they're called being one of them. The palpable "disconnect" is noticed by those with empathy, and Narcissists know this, so they use it.

A target may realize after a while that the Narcissist is not coming to THEM when the disconnect happens. This realization can feel very painful, sad, and bleak; it can feel like abandonment and shunning. However it's really just a manipulation, trying to train the target to stay vigilantly focused on catering to the Narcissist. When the target realizes the game and tries to put a stop to it, the Narcissist will inevitably deny it and defend themselves, and probably have a melt-down. This meltdown gives them an excuse to continue the behavior.

Narcissists rarely ACTUALLY "discard" another person completely. Most "discards" are not complete, they're just a more extreme version of this same control behavior. They don't actually LET GO of the person in most cases, they are still playing this same control game no matter how much it looks like a "discard". That's why they slander and smear the person, refuse to let go or leave, refuse to talk about anything, or show up weeks, months, or years later, or keep in contact with the person's friends and family.

They Don't Like Your Confidence Or Ability

There are a lot of people in the world who don't like it when someone else is strong in themselves. They are dangerous because they don't live their own lives, they live in reaction to others instead. These are the people who focus on controlling, judging, and dominating others instead of themselves.

These people create elaborate, fictional illusions of who they want to be "strong" and who they want to be "weak", all based on their own fantasy world they've made up around their comfort and weakened egos. They need certain people to seem stronger so they can feel SAFE, and certain other people to seem weaker so they can feel SUPERIOR. They want both, "safe" and "superior", and the way they get those feelings is by re-creating their own pretend version of the world.

Whomever they want to be "strong", they will TREAT AS "strong", as if they are VERY strong, and capable, and able to learn quickly. Strong-bodied and strong-minded, they will treat them as. Regardless of the real person underneath.
They will set the person's world up so that they are ensconced in only certain play and certain learning. They will make sure that others treat the person in specified ways that "show respect" toward the person. They will convince the person that this "respect" is their birthright, and that they deserve it more than certain others. This has nothing to do with the other person who is being trained and modeled into believing themselves to be one of the "strong bodied, strong-minded" people, it's all about OTHER people's fictional world designed to make themselves feel safe. 

Whomever they want to be "weak", they will TREAT AS "weak" as if they were born that way, and as if no matter what they did, there's no way for them to prove that they're NOT weak. Utterly regardless of reality.. 
They will set the person's world up so that they are surrounded by and ensconced in only certain types of play and learning; they won't be permitted to learn or experience other things that might show their real strength of body or mind. They are kept separate from those who are being trained to believe themselves to be the "strong ones", in order to prevent direct communication, bonding, genuine competition and camaraderie. They are made to believe, through direct and indirect belittling, that they are not capable of doing things that the "strong ones' can do, and they are prevented, BLOCKED, from proving that they indeed are perfectly capable.

Both those being conditioned to believe themselves to be a "strong one" or a "weak one" are being conditioned for reasons OTHER THAN their own well-being and growth as a human being, and for reasons OTHER THAN "what is good for society". The brainwashing can be so deep and so effective that in a given region, BOTH targets ("strong ones" and "weak ones") can be seen and heard adamantly defending what they believe to be their innate, natural tendencies and capabilities, and lack thereof.

In other words, conditioned individuals NO LONGER STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES and say "I CAN DO THAT! I AM CAPABLE OF THAT!" like they would have in a healthy environment.
They actually have been convinced to believe that they are NOT CAPABLE of learning how to do certain things, because of the category that other people have forced them into.

Since they BELIEVE it, they have internalized it, they won't even TRY TO LEARN, won't even TRY, won't even ATTEMPT to learn something that they've been told only the other people are capable of doing or learning.

Since they have internalized it into their IDENTITY, they will ALSO FORCE THESE BELIEFS ONTO OTHERS. They perpetuate and contribute to the whole fictional, fantastic illusion themselves by playing the part, and projecting the parts onto others. So if someone appears who they think "SHOULD BE" in the "Strong Ones" category, but the person is not behaving like the others, they will try to force them into conforming, or reject them as a human being.

If someone appears who they think "SHOULD BE" in the "Weak Ones" category, and the person is not apparently behaving the same way as everyone else, as a "weak one", (which usually includes feigning a lack of confidence, ability and skill in many things, and deferring to anyone in the 'strong ones' category), there will also be an attempt to FORCE them into behaving like everyone else such as acting inappropriately meek, submissive and self-deprecating. Shame and shunning is almost always immediately used to try to force a person to conform to "weak ones" behavior. Aggression, rejection and threats, sometimes even physical abuse may be used as well, depending on the level of delusional illness on the part of the attacker. 

Holiday Anger

Today is one of the days in the year, for me, when I have a hard time with all of the feelings that make me want to scream into satellite bullhorn, blasting all of the windows of all of the Narcissists in the world, both who I've known and who I haven't met, for the damage they have done and keep doing. The Narcissists through the generations who have turned innocent children into shells of themselves and/or into Narcissists themselves, sending the damage down through each generation and across worlds. Tearing apart lives and families and communities and countries. Twisting what could and should be joyous celebration and togetherness into some convoluted ape-domination display and manipulation competition. Trashing and disrespecting all the effort, sacrifice and love so many worked so hard for, so their descendants could have better, freer lives. Sabotaging the well-being, growth and futures of the children around them just for their own ego issues, and breaking the hearts of anyone who cares about them just to get a fix of control and supremacy. The anger that boils inside of me because of all that I've witnessed, all that I've seen my own child go through, all that I've been through myself, and watching what other people go through in their personal lives and the larger community is palpable and burns inside.
It has to come out somehow, and I'm not going to turn into one of THEM and take it out on other people, so I write, and I write. The pen is mightier than the sword, it always has been and always will be. MUCH mightier. The hand holds one sword, but the mind holds countless words and ideas.
My friend Rick Winsor suggested that this stage in human "evolution" is a process that is leading to something much better. I like how I feel when I believe that, so thank you my friend.

Competition For Approval And Status

It's common for people within a group to compete for the approval and attention of the "Leader" in that group. The more dysfunction and less maturity is present throughout the group, the more they tend to compete for the Leader's approval and acceptance.

In groups where Leaders are Controllers and Narcissists, the competition can turn from immature to very damaging, and often tears the groups so deeply that the group may simply dissolve and fall apart, even become bitter "enemies".

Narcissists, whether they are members of a group or a leader of a group, often create factions and play favorites, casting shame and blame on certain members in the group and giving extra credit and resources to others. They may play each member differently in private than in public, and often keep "secret connections" and give "secret favors". They may imply negative things about other members, planting seeds of competition and fear of rejection and disapproval.

Members of the group start to play into these manipulative games instead of recognizing them and shutting them down, and go right along with the faction and clique creating. Soon more members of the group are competing to be seen and known as "important", "good", and "above reproach", in order to maintain their membership within the group and not get cast into the group that's labeled "rejected" or "unwanted". They will start throwing other members "under the bus" in order to make themselves appear to "better", and therefore "accepted". This of course leads to more and more competition, self-righteousness, and defensiveness, which leads to hostility, which leads straight to aggression, both offensive and defensive.

(Any human group, from small to country-sized: family, friends, business, organization, religious group, political party group, community, tribe, nation, etc.)



Both male and female humans, in general, are very prone to domination displays, faction-making, clique behavior and aggressive "warmongering",  in the absence of a large enough ratio of emotionally and mentally mature individuals. The "cure" is an infusion of mature, graceful, peaceful, and fair leadership, both in actual "Leadership" positions, AND throughout the rest of the group. A mature group is aware that ALL members are in "leadership" positions to other members, and all members treat one another with genuine respect and consideration. Immature behavior such as favoritism and unfair advantage and oppression against certain group members is not tolerated because it's simply not good for the group's health, nor for the health of all individuals in the group. (In other words, the school budget is the same for both girls and boys; cliques and factions are dispersed, not rewarded; coaches and instructors are actually adults and therefore don't use female labels as derogatory insults ("you throw like a girl" isn't in the vocabulary), racism and sexism are NOT taught, "gender roles" are not forced or shamed onto people, and "hostile environments" are not only not tolerated, they're not WANTED.

The majority of children who grow up in a healthy environment don't WANT to create hostile environments or exclusionary cliques; they want to follow and learn from their role models (which includes every person who's older than they are, but especially adults in "leadership" positions in their lives). Children become confused and anxious when they see adults disrespecting and belittling other adults, but they thrive when the adults around them are happily supportive and respectful toward one another. The adults around them GOT that way because of how THEY grew up, the way the adults were around them when they were children. It's cause and effect, and it's a well-known and very obvious and easy concept to understand.

Your Negativity Drags Me Down...

Narcissists presume themselves to be the ones who are innocent of any wrongdoing or lack, and identify themselves as the beleaguered, burdened ones who are having to deal with the negativity of others, being "dragged down" by the whining and self-pity of other people.
At no time do they consider that they have done anything, ever, to contribute to the plight, "attitude", or "negativity" of another person. It's always the other person's "fault".

The average narcissistic person is absorbed in protecting and shining their own image and ego, and protecting their status within the groups that they're a part of, or wish to be a part of. When another member of the group "falls down" for any reason, that person can STAY down as far as the narcissist is concerned, because that means that person is now lower in "status", which means the narcissist is automatically now higher than them. The fact that the hierarchy and status is real ONLY to those who buy into it does not cross their minds. 

So, when another member of the group "falls down" for any reason at all, *(including illness, injury, loss, tragedy, trauma from attack or abuse, and problems caused by attack, abuse, slander or sabotage), the narcissistic people in the group will not only deny that they had anything to do with it to protect their own skin, but they will also point the finger at the person who has fallen down (or was pushed), casting blame on them.

The blame casting is simply to CREATE an excuse for not helping the person BACK UP. Most of the narcissists in the group want the person to stay "down", they don't want them to recover and get back up, and again be a "competitor" for status and resources.

The narcissist lives inside of competition; they see everything a a competition, and they FEAR "losing". They tend to see everything as "win or lose", which is part of the "black and white" perception pattern. They do not comprehend "big picture" concepts because they can't SEE them.
"United we stand divided we fall" is confusing to them, because they don't understand why they would use their own resources, energy, or time to be supportive of someone else, unless supporting that person meant a "gain" for themselves.
"A rising tide lifts all ships" is a foreign concept.
"To give is to receive" is taken in a literal, material way; more like "if I give to someone, they should give something back to me."
They can't understand what "All for one and one for all" means, except if the "one" is themselves or a favored person.

Basically, the average narcissist's main focus is his or her own "status" in whatever group they are in, because it means more control, more power over others, more positive attention, more credit, and more access to resources. So anyone who does not buy into either their "high status", or the whole hierarchy illusion, is a threat, and anyone who they feel challenged by, intimidated by, or envious of in any way is a threat. So when another member of the group "falls down", ESPECIALLY if they were in any way a threat in the narcissists' mind, they will NOT help them, and they will probably contribute to keeping them down.

If they were among those who knocked them down in the first place, the odds are high that they will try hard to keep them down. 

~(Sociopaths may only care about their "status" because they ARE aware of the hierarchy illusion, and they know that maintaining an image of "high status" means they can make a lot more headway in any CON game they're playing. They will go along with, and even encourage, the shared fantasy. They can be very adept at knocking others down and keeping them down, because they know the game from an intellectual point of view; they're "playing" it. However, most average narcissists actually believe that the hierarchy is a real thing, and are actually trying to maintain or raise their "status" because they believe it's part of reality.) (Which accounts for much of their  behavior as they grow older, that another person would have matured out of.) 

Tough Guy, or Fitting In?

Acting like a "tough person",  or a "self-righteous person" is a behavior that human beings adapt when they're in an unsafe atmosphere, surrounded by hostile people.
Most other animals do the same thing; when they feel threatened, they puff up their bodies, stomp the ground, make noise, change colors, and excrete poison or venom; it's to frighten who or whatever is threatening to them, and appear dominant.

After enough time has passed, a person can internalize this behavior and convince themselves it's part of their real personality, as if that's how they were born. However countless studies and observations over many cultures show that human beings tend to adapt to their environment, whether it's GOOD for them or NOT.

The subconscious human mind takes on the general traits of the people around them in order to fit in, so they don't get "shunned" and have to survive on their own. The more hostile the environment, the more aggressive the person becomes in order to appear "tough enough", like the others. It's like everyone has to wear the same armor in order to fit in with their group; those who are wearing a different color, or no armor, get shunned.

"Acting tough" has nothing to do with the natural, organic environment one lives and works in; it's the human interaction that one has to deal with every day that influences a person to change themselves into "one of the tough people" or "one of the righteous people".

When we fit in, we don't get singled out.

Most people don't even know they're doing it, because it's a subconscious process. But the proof is in the pudding. It's the same process from which regional accents and dialects come from. People from the same region even "like" the same food and wear similar clothes. (We think we're being unique when we buy a different brand of blue jeans, or a different kind of flannel shirt, or slightly different boots.)

It's nothing to be ashamed of, but it can help a person have a better life if they become aware of it.

When We Leave: Loss Of Identity, Changes of Identity And Social Status

A seldom mentioned loss that one suffers from any kind of Narcissistic abuse can be hard for anyone to embrace or even admit, and that is the loss of the security of social status that relationships (including and especially family) bring. We are humans, and we do live in "society", whether we really believe and go along with the societal rituals and shows of "status" or not. Our identity, our feeling of who we are, takes a serious hit when we sever or lose a relationship.

When we sever a tie, we are suffering a loss, not only of the person, but of our feeling of identity that went with that relationship. We are not just "Me", but we are "John Anderson's daughter", or "Mary Johnson's brother", or "One of the Sanderson clan". We belong to a group, or a partnership, when we are in any kind of relationship. We are a member of that group.
Of course people who feel that they are "lone wolves" will dispute that all day long, but it won't change the fact that they are actually human beings who's identity IS connected to the people in their family and relationships.

Only severe Narcissists and other seriously mentally ill people don't connect their identity with their family, their relationships,  where they grew up, where they live, the people in their community, their school, and their workplace (even if it's crappy). It's part and parcel to our psyche, it's supposed to be like that, it's not being some kind of "sheep", and it's not the same as following the herd. Some people and things we identify ourselves deeply with, and some not as much, but it's a normal human process.

Narcissistic abuse causes this natural identity feeling to become jumbled, confused, and backward. We're supposed to feel proud and happy to identify as belonging to our group or partnership, but when we're abused or rejected, how does that work? It doesn't. But we still need and want our identity to stay intact, like any healthy normal human. So we may end up turning our relationship identity upside down and inside out, trying to hold on to it while defending ourselves from it at the same time. We now belong to, are a part of, a member of, an abusive "group" of humans (whether it's just one other person or several), and we see ourselves as being ONE OF THEM. So in order to heal, we need to heal that identity issue, which can be really confusing.

Along with that, we know instinctively that other people DO group other people together and identify them together. So if we talk about how our group is abusive, then the odds are high that we'll be lumped together with them. We also probably don't WANT others to see our entire group in a negative light, so then we have to figure out a way to talk about what we've been through and get support without turning a negative light on everyone.

Further, even if we really don't care about how people see them, we're still aware that people will see US in a different light, whether we tell them what happened or not. People tend to treat others with higher respect and acceptance when they're a member of a couple, a family, or another group. Everyone instinctively knows this, that's why clubs exist, everything from religious groups to gangs; if you're a "member" of something, people tend to treat you more like you're a "real" person. 

When we sever a romantic relationship or marriage, we are actually changing our "identity", not only to others, but to ourselves as well. And when our social identity changes, we feel different, and others tend to treat us differently. We're not "Kim and Steve" anymore, we're just "Kim". Or we're just "Steve".

Even when we let go of platonic friends, we're not part of the "pack" or "like sisters" or "like brothers" anymore, we're changing that part of ourselves and our lives.

When we are ostracized due to abuse from our families, or when we purposely cut cords, we are again changing our identity, and changing our social status.

When we leave our marriage and we have children, that might be one of the biggest blows of all to our identity, because we know it will change our children's identity as well. Even if we know we HAVE TO do it, it still can feel like a serious loss, and can be akin to the loss we feel due to the death of someone in our lives.

The mental somersaults we go through can be traumatizing all by themselves, and so we may try desperately to avoid dealing with this kind of loss, after all, we're probably already trying to deal with all the other things we've been through. However realizing this can speed up recovery and help us get over some obstacles and hurtles that we didn't know we were stuck on, or why.

How We See Others

We tend to see others how we see them, from our own imagination, not how they really are.

We tend to fixate on certain markers that are familiar to us from our own lives and past, and then create an image around the person based on those markers.

We tend to quite literally miss huge amounts of information about the real person, even if they are our own child, our own parent, our own family member, or our close friend.

For example, we may know a person who is actually a very orderly person and very much likes order, but when we met them, they were overwhelmed by something in their lives, and appeared "scattered". So we fixate on that "scattered" marker, and build an image of them around that. THEN, as time goes by, we don't see that they aren't really a "scattered" person, that we just LIKED that marker because it made us feel more organized in comparison, and maybe it seemed endearing. Or maybe we like feeling like we're better than someone else. Either way, we keep seeing them as a "scattered person", and therefore keep treating them as if that's what they are, like it's carved into their skull, because WE like it, not because it's who they are.

The more we treat them that way, the more likely they're going to get sick of the way we treat them and become distant and unavailable. If they're our child, partner, or other very close person, we can actually cause them emotional/mental pain and damage from treating them as if they're something they're not, which will impact the bigger picture of their life. 

We can also fixate on a marker that we see as very positive, and we often do. We build an image of that person around that positive marker, and then we don't see them for who or what they really are. The image we build becomes like a painted picture that lays over them like a blanket.

Nearly all human beings do this, especially before we are aware of the process. It's just the brain's way of making shortcuts and "easy buttons" for the things and people in our world. Becoming aware of this process means we can appreciate others for who they really are.

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, CPTSD

"...I think that the healing professions in general are remiss in not considering in every case that presents signs of depression, low self esteem and hopelessness that CPTSD should be considered not as a diagnosis, but as a path towards cure and away from the abuse. When the victim of CPTSD is counseled to seek a path of survivorship, like classic PTSD, the cure for the curable makes a lot more sense then trying to treat the little Hitler’s of the world..."

Amen, to that.
Excerpt from a reply-comment by Steve B., on an excellent (imo) post on Narcissistic Victim Syndrome by  Mary Jo Fay
(RN, MSN, a national speaker, author, columnist and survivor of several narcissistic relationships. Her new book, "When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong - Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life" is available at http://www.helpfromsurvivors.com) < I haven't read it yet, but I agree with much of her writing that I have read.

CPTSD is "Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

Like Playing Ball (With A Narcissist)

Being in a 'relationship' with a Narcissistic person is a lot like trying to play ball with one.

You throw the ball, they catch it, but they drop it on the ground instead of throwing it back to you.

You throw the ball, they catch it, but they throw it to someone else instead of throwing it back to you.

They encourage you to "go for it" and "be confident" in yourself, but when you do, they're attacking and criticizing you, saying you don't know what you're doing, and you don't "have the credentials".

They don't pay attention to your existence, or anything about you until they realize you've stopped throwing the ball, then they get mad at you.

You throw the ball... they catch it, and then criticize your throw, or give you "advice" that you didn't ask for.

You throw the ball, they catch it, and they WHIP IT at your head.

You throw the ball... they walk away and start talking to someone else.

They whip the ball at you, it gives you a concussion, and they accuse you of "making it all up to get attention".

You throw the ball, they make fun of the way you throw with their "buds"; they say they're "just joking".

You return the same favor and make fun of the way they throw with your "buds", and they have a tantrum and go home.

You throw the ball, they catch it, and then throw it as hard as they can over your head so you have to run after it.

You throw the ball... they catch it, and then throw it as hard as they can to get attention and applause from whoever is watching.

They ask you to play ball with them, and then accuse you of begging to play ball with them all the time.

They ask you to play ball with them, and then make fun or your race or your sex every time you throw or catch imperfectly, claiming that theirs is naturally superior.

They ask you to play ball with them, but when you get there, they're already playing with someone else... and they act like you invited yourself inappropriately, and aren't welcome.

They ask you to play ball, but they don't show up, and then don't answer their phone.

They throw the ball when you're not looking and then criticize you for being lazy or too slow.

They ask you to play ball, but when you show up, they change the plans, change the rules, and argue every thing you say or do.

They ask you to play ball, but every time you go to throw it, they walk over to you and "correct your stance".

They ask you to play ball, but they don't tell you that you'll have to provide all of the supplies, and you have to give them a ride to the field.

When you ask THEM to play ball, they say no. Or, they say "yes", but then say "no" at the last minute.

They slowly convince you over time that they're the only one who likes you enough to play ball with you, because you're such a loser, a crappy player, a spoil sport, or a whiner.

They tell you they can't play ball today because they have to do laundry or work, but when you go to the field, they're already there playing with someone else.

They ask you to throw the ball to them over and over so they can practice hitting and catching, but when it's your turn, they "have to go home" or they're "too tired". Next time, same thing. And so on.

They blame you for the ball getting dirt on it.


They throw your ball and glove away.

They steal your ball and glove.

They keep losing their own ball and glove, and DEMAND that you replace it.

They "punish" or retaliate against you whenever you have something else to do, even though you've played ball with them 15 days in a row.

They judge you, or get mad at you, if you don't have a ball or glove .

They BEG you to play ball again, but every time you agree, they do all the same things they did before.

Everything they do is about themselves.
They CAN'T just "play ball".
They can't just DO anything without making it about themselves, or getting some kind of fix of control or superiority where someone else gets treated with disrespect and ridiculous unfairness.

They have to somehow make it into a dramatic display that has nothing to do with actually playing ball. 

"Those who don't have any balls of their own need someone to throw them some." ~Anonymous