Bias And Power

There is always bias for one sex and bias against the other if the culture has a power imbalance. Whichever sex holds the power of wealth, decision making, and governing is the one that people are taught to have bias for.

It is no different than racial power imbalance, religious power imbalance, or ancestral power imbalance. Whichever race, sex, religion, or ancestry holds the most power in a given region is who is held up as smarter, wiser, funnier, more endearing, more powerful, and more deserving of sympathy, "fairness", "justice", help, attention, and resources.


The reason for this is conditioning; one generation after another learns by growing up within a given culture to think of others in a certain light according to their race or sex. It is learned mostly by just modeling; the way adults conduct themselves day to day is called "modeling" when children are anywhere in the vicinity, and this is how children's beliefs about what is NORMAL are developed. So even if a child's inner "moral compass" tells them that something is wrong with this picture, their brain is still learning what "normal" is by the way everyone behaves around them, and the child will still reflect their biases in his or her thinking and behavior as the child grows.

Humans like to rationalize their biases, they will come up with all kinds of "reasons" why one person is treated one way, and another person is treated another way, but none of it would hold water in an objective scientific observation. For example giving more resources to one sex than the other, or one race than the other, proves only one thing: that there is bias for that sex or race. The argument usually goes something like "Well they NEED those extra resources because they have more responsibility, and they need to learn more." But in reality, neither sex nor race has MORE responsibilities than the other. This might be hard for some people to understand, because of their conditioning, which is why it keeps going, and going, and going.

The fact is, whichever group has been holding more power and bias is not going to want to give any of it away. They have throughout history fought tooth and nail to hold on to any extra bias they have acquired, regardless of how it affects others. Power is addictive, and makes one feel SAFE and SECURE. It makes one feel entitled to more PROTECTION in a harsh world. It makes one feel entitled to control others, and to be served by others, and to be treated as ABOVE others.


Those who belong to the group that is biased FOR do not have full support of everyone like they would in a balanced community. There is much more competition for "status", which can include vicious and cruel tactics. Severe bullying and sabotage toward other members of the group is common. Likewise, in the groups that the culture is biased against, there is also more bullying and vicious competition for status within the group. More competing all around, more power plays all around; less cooperation, teamwork, support, and accomplishment.

From the point of view of ones who hold power and bias:
IF everyone is considered "equal", then there will be no one serving, no one taking a backseat, no one doing the tedious work, no one filling the seats in the audience and cheering, no one laughing at my jokes, no one believing whatever I say and taking me seriously, no one protecting me from others or from my own mistakes. Everyone will be competing, driving, running the business, making decisions, and on stage. Everyone will be judging me just as harshly as they judge others, and everyone will have the same knowledge, so I can't say I know something that I don't, and I can't say someone else DOES NOT know something. No one will be there to blame for things that go wrong.
If EVERYONE is recognized for their actual REAL STRENGTH and intelligence, then there will be no one to call "LESS THAN ME" or "LESS THAN US", and no one to use as a doormat or stress relief, and no one I can force into doing my bidding, because they will stand up for themselves, and someone else will stand up for them.

And that all means someone might get forced into sitting in the backseat or the audience, or held accountable, or have to take care of others and do tedious work, or be a sidekick instead of a leader, and that person might be me... So I'm going to hold on to this bias with all my might, and I'm going to make sure that I am supportive of those who are like me, so we can hold onto this power together. Anyone who tries to say we should share it I will rail against, belittle, and condemn with everything I've got.

Whichever sex or race is given a wider berth in personal space, whichever sex or race children are taught to fear retribution from, whichever sex or race is treated with more "respect", whichever sex or race is held up as having more capability and skill, is the always the one that the culture is biased FOR, and is holding onto the imbalance of power.

In cultures where this power imbalance exists, there is much larger incidence of drama, more crime, more violence, and more mental and emotional illness due to the volatile behavior in the community.

In a balanced culture, there is no disparity in treatment or respect regarding sex or race. Since there is much less dramatic struggle for power, there is much more peace, much more accomplishment, and much less crime and violence.

Culture Sludge

"Oh my GOSH did you see what she was WEARING?"
"You need to get a life!"
"Look at the pictures he posts, he thinks he's so great."
"Go get me a beer."
"How about if you get me a cup of coffee."
"I need you to come and help me this weekend."
"Hurry up, you're so SLOW."
"This place is a dump."
"Why don't you do something about your hair."
"You used to be so pretty."
"You used to be so thin."
"You used to have a great body."
"You would be hot if you had a tan/gained some weight/lost some weight/changed your hair/wore makeup/smiled more."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"You're a bitch. She's a bitch. He's a whiny bitch."
"You're a loser. She's a loser. He's a loser."
"You're going to hell."
"You're stupid for believing that."
"It's all your fault."
"I know what you're doing when I'm not there."
"You deserve what you get if you're that stupid to let someone trick/treat you like that."
"They deserved to get hit/beaten/raped/abused/stolen from."
"Why would you go out with THAT?"
"Did you see them walking to the parking lot together? He must be banging her."
"She smiled at you dude, that means she wants you."
"She's a slut."
"Men and women can't be just friends."
"Everyone cheats, lies and steals, if they deny it they're lying, that's just the way of the world."
"You need to get a thicker skin, stop complaining."
"I will kick your ass/her ass/his ass if you say (whatever)."
"I will kill (whoever, for whatever)"
"She doesn't like to be told what to do..."

Sentences that are common in narcissist "culture", and rarely or never come out of the mouths of non-narcissists. It can be difficult for some non-narcissists to communicate in a narc. culture, when this language is the norm, all around them. It can also be hard not to pick it up when you hear it every day all around you. It can have a depressive effect on a person who lives in such a culture, hearing it day in and day out. Kind of like living in a bad movie but not being able to change the film. Many people are amazed when they grow up and leave their hometown, and find out that there are places and people in the world who don't live and speak that way. While there's always some narcissism in any area we live, there are huge differences in the general atmosphere and the way people treat one another from region to region, which of course directly affects the quality of life for the adults and children who live there.

The Blessing Of Remorse

That feeling that's referred to as "remorse" and the one called "guilt"< they are integral to staying human, you are blessed if you still feel them.

Shame put upon us by others to control us is not the same as remorse and guilt. If I yelled at my son in anger and said something hurtful, I will feel remorseful if my "heart" is intact and healthy. It will help me be aware of my actions and my mistake, and will help compel me to make amends and apologize. If I stood up a friend in order to go do something else, if my "heart" is healthy I'll feel guilty because I did something purposely that hurt and inconvenienced my friend.  It will help me to realize that my actions caused my friend pain or sadness, or a scheduling problem, and I will learn from it, and hopefully my friend will forgive me, but I probably won't do it again.

Getting abused and attacked can effectively inhibit or shut down our natural guilt and remorse response because we are in fight or flight too much of the time, or frustrated, or angry at something that has been done to us. We can become numb inside, and only feel the very sharpest and loudest emotions; we might seek conflict, adrenaline rushes, or pain in order to feel something. We might begin to lose our ability to empathize, or even care much about others, their lives, happiness, and well-being. We can become contemptuous, hard, and even arrogant.

 It is the blessing of the healed, the healing, and the safe and secure (even if that means being in a warzone but knowing someone has your back) to feel guilt and remorse, and have the freedom to make amends.

Regular People

"Regular" people do things all the time that are narcky, (narcissistic), like making assumptions about others, taking moods out on other people to a certain degree, wanting more attention than we give, thinking ourselves better in some way than others, or favoring someone because they have something we want, or because they're like ourselves, or remind us of someone we think is "cool" or "smart" or "strong".
These things are human things, and the less mature and aware we are the more we do them, but when we realize we've been behaving that way we feel chagrined, or guilty, or remorseful, and learn from it. We stop treating one sex better than the other, or certain people better because of their appearance or possessions, we realize we've had an age prejudice and grow out of it. We don't assume we know other people's limitations anymore, and we stop making other people into heroes and idols.
It crosses into Narcissism when we do it on purpose, when we do it regardless of how much it hurts or damages someone, when we do it because it serves US in some way, REGARDLESS of what it does to others.

For example a family has a daughter and a son, both of whom equally excel at sports, cooking, carpentry and landscaping.

But since the parents are Narcissists, they cheer dramatically at their son's games, support him 100%, and brag to all their friends about his athletic accomplishments. They barely can drag themselves to their daughter's games, and "sit through it"; sometimes one of them "can't" go because of something "more important"... They want to be SEEN AS the parents of a BOY who is an ATHLETE, but they don't want people to know their DAUGHTER is strong or competitive. They're not proud of their son, they're proud of themselves having a son who's an athlete, an they're trying to downplay their daughter being an athlete because they're embarrassed, and besides they don't get the praise and attention from other people about their daughter's athleticism.

Since the parents are Narcissists, they make a big deal out of their daughter's ability to COOK, they tell their friends and coworkers about how she "helped" in the kitchen or made a great dessert (but making sure they qualify her ability as not yet being on par with her mother...) However when their SON makes a beautiful meal, finished with gourmet pastry, they barely whisper about it. They make a small show of praising him in the four walls of the home while they eat, but they don't talk about it to their friends... they might think he's "light in the loafers..." or "wimpy", can't have that!!!

Since the parents are Narcissists, they DISMISS the fact that both son and daughter are equally quite skilled carpenters, especially for teens, and that both are equally pretty skilled at landscaping as well. They constantly try to REDIRECT each child to only do the tasks THEY want them to do, like they try to make their son do all the heavy work (by himself, without his sister's help, which he actually needs and wants) and they try to make their daughter do all the flower arrangement and cleaning (by herself, without her brother's help, which she actually needs and wants).

Since the parents are Narcissists, instead of guiding their children to work as a team, they try to separate them from one another. Instead of encouraging them and praising them for what they ACTUALLY DO, they try to EDIT their every step to fit what the parents want them to LOOK LIKE to their friends. Instead of teaching them to respect the opposite sex, they are trying to make each one feel like a different species from their own sibling, just to suit their own personal agendas.

They don't even think about what's good for the kids, because what's good for the kids is not what's important to them.

Cognitive Dissonance - The Battle Of The Two Selves


 Red Light Runners

Cognitive Dissonance – The Battle Of The Two Selves

It's an Emergency
It’s early in the morning when everything and everyone is quiet.  You can hear a knocking, a little rat-tat-tat at the door of your heart.  Yawning,  you roll over and peep through a little crack to see who it is. It’s your LSS (Little Secret Self), she’s speaking very quietly, she wants to talk to you.  She’s always been softly spoken, but these days her whisper is so quiet you can barely hear it.  Her voice sounds almost shaky, nervous. Her eyes are always wide too, they dart around a lot, as if expecting someone to suddenly pounce unexpectedly out of nowhere and silence her. You give her your full attention while your mind is clear for a moment, you still love her, and you miss her too. You even feel bad about everything and the way she has been pushed to the side. Somewhere in the depths of your sub-consciousness you are aware that you’re neglecting her, you secretly hate it, but it’s for the better good of everyone, it’s what you have to do right now in order to survive.  For some unknown reason you are not willing or ready to give to her her rightful place.  You are not ready to look in the mirror and see her precious face staring back at you, you don’t know why. It’s possibly because you are a little mixed up about it all…. Her (LSS), Him (Mr Incredible)  and your Shadow Self, the one who lives your life for you these days.
Your Shadow Self  seems to be doing such a good job of running your life.  Seeming strong and definite, presenting so well to the outside world.  It’s your SS that can keep up appearances and fend off any doubts by playing the necessary games and working really hard… (you know, those games that Mr Incredible wants to play with you, and all the work he gives you to do).   You can’t see your LSS doing as good a job as your SS. Maybe this is the influence of Mr Incredible, or maybe it’s another hidden fear of some kind. Maybe you never really got to know your LSS the way you think you did.  Perhaps, when you were growing up, you didn’t have any true or healthy mirrors around you, ones that weren’t full of cracks themselves, to show you how great your LSS really is.  You just can’t imagine, that she would be any good in the lead. It’s a frightful thought for some reason, maybe because she appears so soft and gentle, you can’t imagine her showing firm resolve, courage and strength in the face of danger.  Your SS seems the better candidate for this kind of living.
You listen as your feeble LSS is talking to you…. “I know he says he loves you so much, I can see he really admires you, needs you and wants to spend all of his spare time with you. He can be reliable, he’s successful and everybody else seems to think he’s great too, (mainly because you tell them he is).”  Her voice builds slightly as she gains confidence.
“But you’re tired all the time, you have knots in your stomach,  you feel insecure and you don’t really know what goes on when you are not around because has lied so many times about so many things.  He subtly puts you down and then builds you up again. He changes moods so quickly and when you are feeling especially happy, he shuts you down. He makes you cry at least three times a week and he never says sorry, because it’s your fault that  he hurts you.   And you know this is the very least of it, he’s called you awful names for no reason, he points out other people’s attributes and compares them with your own short-comings, he’s snuck up behind you and kicked you in the back of your legs behind your knees, so your legs would go out from under you and shoved things in your face, he’s had secrets with other girls, loaning them money and taking days off to help them without your knowing,  and yet you keep all these things a secret from your friends,  protecting him, why?”
“Uggh!”  You put your hand up to stop your LSS from going any further, you know there’s a lot more and it gets worst but it’s making you tired just hearing it... (CLICK ANYWHERE TO CONTINUE READING ON RED LIGHT RUNNER'S WEBLOG) 


Fetch Me My Jacket

One of the results of having injured or weakened boundaries, especially if one is not aware of it or self-aware, can be perceiving anyone who doesn't give them what they want as a bully or a control freak.

So if a bank teller or a sales person, for example, doesn't treat the person with extreme pandering, sweetness, or over the top "respect", the person can feel DISRESPECTED. The teller or sales... person could have been COMPLETELY courteous and professional toward them, but "failed" to flirt with them or display "extra" interest in them, or even "failed" to jump to demands and rude complaints. To them, this feels similar to when someone else who has healthier boundaries is treated with ACTUAL rude behavior.

Some people with weak boundaries expect to be treated with "kid gloves", like royalty, or like a movie star, or like a GQ model, or like the CEO of a Powerful Corporation (the way they IMAGINE those people are treated). They expect others to hang on their every word, to cater to their moods and whims. They don't think they "should HAVE TO" maintain respect for others themselves, or try to understand where another person is coming from, or CONTRIBUTE to resolving a problem. They "shouldn't HAVE TO" do anything, everything is someone else's responsibility to fix. If they can find a way to blame someone else for any problem, then whoever's "fault" it is (in their mind) "deserves" to be completely alone in fixing it.

Real life example: Casino workers, especially dealers, literally run into this every single day. The dealer's job is to "deal" the game properly and "run" it, which just means communicating with customers, communicating with the supervisor, and making sure everything is done properly to procedure. That's it, dealers have literally nothing to do with whether players win or lose, and in fact make more money only when players WIN (because winning players TIP), so if a dealer is biased in any direction, it's for the players, not the "house". But every day, players lose, and blame the dealer. They will criticize anything and everything about the dealer, from the way they look to the way they talk, the way they place the cards, spin the wheel, move the dice, the way they pick up chips, how fast or slow they are, how much they talk or don't talk, what they talk about, and will even try to scam them with payouts. A HUGE number of players blame the DEALER for their losses. They actually accuse the dealer of rigging the cards, rigging the Roulette wheel, spinning too fast or too slow, shuffling "wrong", even being an "unlucky person". ANYTHING to blame the DEALER for their losses, and NOT THEMSELVES. "How can you sleep at night 'taking' my money?..." (Oh I'm sorry, Sir or Miss, I forgot you are the Special Player who wins every hand no matter what, because you deserve it for being so Special... unlike every other person who has ever played, and you are not responsible for your own money, also unlike every other person.)

Not all players do this, lots of players have normal and decent manners, who enjoy gaming like they enjoy movies, sports, concerts and good dinners, and are completely responsible for their own money and their own behavior. But there are plenty of the other kind, enough to make the dealer's job pretty stressful on a daily basis. After a while they come to expect it, and learn ways to deal with it, but as anyone who has been in a narc. relationship knows, it still has an effect no matter how much you learn about dealing with it.

Platonic Friendships~ personal note~

On a personal note, I am a bit "skeeved out", frankly, by people who don't make "platonic" friendships with people who are not the same sex as themselves. They are also often the same people who assume that every male/female friendship or interaction has some kind of "agenda" behind it. Hold on a minute while I gag on the ice cream I ate a couple of hours ago...

Do they literally think about sex ALL THE TIME?

Can they not speak to a member of the other sex WITHOUT thinking about sex? How about a member of their OWN sex?

Do they filter the entire world through their genitalia?

Seriously grosses me out.

If a person can't be "friends" with a person who has different genitalia than themselves because they can't stop THINKING about it, they often ASSUME that everyone else has the same issue. 

Guess what? THEY DON'T!!! SOME people do, of course, but MANY people DO NOT, thank the Good Lord above for that! How creepy that must be to think "SEX" every time you see another human. How does one get through the day? Seriously? HOW?!?

So when you go to work, every other human is filtered through your "sex" scanner? You can't have normal conversations with someone if they're private parts aren't like yours?
So when you go to church, you think of sex when you're looking at the pastor, the deacon, the greeter, all the other parishioners??? GROOOOOSSSSSSSS!!!!
What do you do when you go to school? When you see your teachers or classmates? When you see your children's teachers? How about other parents? What do you do when you hang out with other couples? You think about their sex life?!?Their body parts? WHAT?!? WHY?!!

Is that why you're BORED with more complex subjects like physics, psychology, or archeology?

Do you run ANIMALS through the "sex scanner" in your brain too?

HOW does a person like that get through the day???

Sorry but this is past the edge of my usually high "tolerance-for-others'-pov" threshold. Maybe someone could explain it to me in a way that doesn't make me throw up.

While you're thinking about that, ponder this: PROJECTION is the term used to describe putting one's own issues, thoughts and feelings on someone else. So let's say you have a fear of bees; if you PROJECTED, you would put your fear of bees on ME, and say that I had a fear of bees, when in fact I do not have a fear of bees. So, if you think someone ELSE can't have genuinely platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex, that's more likely than not YOUR PROJECTION of your OWN issues onto that other person. THEY are probably not thinking about sex AT ALL regarding their friends, but YOU ARE, so what does that tell you?

Communication

The way we learn to communicate while we're growing up is the way we communicate as adults. If we learn several methods of communication, and several modes of communication, then we can connect with other human beings easily. We have a greater chance of being able to connect with different individuals in the mode of communication THEY can relate to.
But if we only learn one or two modes of communication, we may not be communicating our wants and needs to others effectively, and we may not be understanding the communications of others either.

If we only know how to communicate in language and expression that sounds extremely "sweet" and "heartfelt", then we may not be understood by those who communicate without injecting EXTRA "sweetness". We also may not understand them either, and we may interpret their more informational tone as "abrasive", when it's actually just neutral.

If we only learned how to communicate by making announcements at others, we may not know how to reciprocate effectively; we may ignore what others are saying unless they are also "making announcements".

If we were taught that communication is more of a social status display than about actual sharing of information, we will probably see the communications of others toward us as attempts at domination and control over us, or as displays of submission and concession toward us. We may not comprehend that many others are simply sharing neutral information, and are waiting for us to reciprocate.

If we learned to communicate using aggressive tones and hostile expression, we might see that as our "normal" baseline, and anyone who does not communicate that way we may misinterpret as "shy", or "too quiet", "fearful", or even "controlling" or "arrogant". We may not realize that we come off sounding demanding and hostile, we just think we're "talking normally".

We may realize that we are going in circles with communication with someone else because they are speaking a different "language" than we are. Sometimes that other "language" is more of a game than actual communication, which the other person may not want to stop playing in order to hear what you're trying to communicate.

It is possible and not difficult to learn more about communicating, it just takes a desire to find out about it, and the ability to listen and hear without judgment and bias.

WHAT I WANT IS WHAT I NEED! (?)

"WHAT I WANT IS WHAT I NEED! IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING OR ANYONE, I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE, HOW IT AFFECTS ANYTHING OR ANYONE, OR IF IT'S RIGHT OR WRONG, OR EVEN IF IT'S GOOD FOR ME OR NOT, AND WHOEVER SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE IN MY WAY BETWEEN ME AND WHAT I WANT IS GOING TO GET PLOWED OVER."

~Sincerely, any given Narcissist

The definition of "Narcissism" refers to being enamored with one's self. So the classical and original definition is talking about a person who is so obsessed with his or her own self that he or she is oblivious to the rest of the world and the people in it. Like when we are so focused on something that the rest of the world "fades away", but the thing that Narcissists are focused on like that is their own self. Love of their own self, admiration of their own self, adulation and adoration of their own self, the way movie stars are often humorously depicted.

That's the original, classical definition. So a person in this definition could be a "Narcissist", but never hurt a soul, except for the lack of reciprocation in personal relationships. But if no one chose to be in a relationship with this person, then no one would get hurt. You can picture them in their dressing room, or in their office, or in their home, preening in front of the mirror, making goo-goo eyes, winking, and blowing air kisses at themselves. This kind of Narcissist doesn't have the time or the desire to go out of their way to hurt someone else, they just want to be loved. They may live alone, or have a servant staff, and they might fire servants who aren't up to the task of being very good at their jobs, or who display disrespect or disdain (which is unprofessional anyway). But they may take very good "care" of their servants too, and still be this kind of Narcissist. Their main "fault" is that they're unaware of any reality that is outside of their own personal experience, and therefore will not even KNOW that someone else might need support or help, or even friendship, that they could be giving.

So this is the basic definition of Narcissism. Being enamored with one's self exclusively.

The Narcissism that is most often written about and talked about currently is not that definition, but a more active and hostile kind. This person may or may not be "in love" with themselves, but they see others as "below" them. They treat others like they are lesser creatures than themselves, and hold themselves up above. They are reactive, hostile, and try to MAKE others give them what they want, whatever that may be. They seem to think that the only purpose that most other people are on earth is "lower" than their own purpose, and are there to serve them. To give them what they desire, what they demand, what they need, and what they want, and give it NOW. People who don't seem to fill a purpose for the narcissist are looked at as "useless" and barely real.

Some narcissists, but not all, see other living creatures this way too; they're only good for what the Narcissist can use them for. If they can't use them for something, they might as well be wiped out. Some even get pleasure out of killing, and rationalize it by saying "it had to be done", which they know full well is b.s., they just enjoyed the act of destroying something that was alive. (That's sociopath domination behavior. If you have an ant infestation in your house, you do something about it, you might have to exterminate if nothing else works; if you go killing ants that live away from anyone's home, that's something completely different.)

Many narcissists will destroy a natural environment, a local ecosystem, the last remnant of land in a given town, or fill in a natural water body in order to build something for themselves. There could be 10 vacant buildings in the same town, but they won't use them. They might also destroy a historic landmark to build their own thing on that site, instead of using another site somewhere else. They'll rationalize and justify it somehow....But it's quite obviously a simple apish display of "domination" and "power".

On the flip side of that, other Narcissists who's agenda is "save the environment" will attack others, or destroy the businesses and lives of people, purposely, in order to "demonstrate" their "cause". They will even endanger the lives of animals they're supposedly "saving" by letting them go free in a world where they will starve or be killed.

The fact is there are quite a few narcissistic people, a lot more than the published statistics. It takes different forms because of the different desires that each individual Narcissist has. It always come down to one thing: "WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I NEED ARE THE SAME THING! AND IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING OR ANYONE, I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE, HOW IT AFFECTS ANYTHING OR ANYONE ELSE, OR IF IT'S RIGHT OR WRONG, OR EVEN IF IT'S GOOD FOR ME OR NOT, AND WHOEVER SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE IN MY WAY BETWEEN ME AND WHAT I WANT IS GOING TO GET PLOWED OVER, NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE."

Healthy Friendships, Happy Relationships, Peaceful And Productive Life

There are things a healthy human being expects from others around them in life, from those who call themselves "family" and "friend". A healthy person gives them naturally, and expects to receive them naturally. These things are simply normal components of human relationships and connections.

Things such as polite and honorable communication at all times, regardless of what the communication is about;

respect for personal space, time, privacy, and tolerance levels;

emotional support when a person is sad, upset, angry, worried, or scared;

basic help and assistance when reasonably needed;

emotional support, assistance, and physical presence when at all actually possible (above and beyond) in crisis, emergency, tragedy, injury or illness;

being stood up for against disrespecters, attackers, cons, abusers, injustice, and backstabbers;

reciprocal companionship, meeting in the middle with interests and activities;

consideration for one another's resources and well-being as a matter of course;

mutual and genuine respect and support of one another's accomplishments, point of view, intelligence, experience, potential, capabilities, plans, and ambitions;

respect and consideration toward one's other family members and friends.

These basic and normal expectations can not and will not be fulfilled by a "Narcissist", regardless of their relationship to the person.

Healthy Expectations In Relationships

There are things a healthy human being expects from others around them in life, from those who call themselves "family" and "friend". A healthy person gives them naturally, and expects to receive them naturally. These things are simply normal components of human relationships and connections.

Things such as friendly and polite communication;

emotional support when a person is sad, upset, angry, worried, or scared;

basic help and assistance when reasonably needed;

emotional support, assistance, and physical presence when at all actually possible (above and beyond) in crisis, emergency, tragedy, injury or illness;

standing up for one another against attackers, disrespecters, cons, abusers, injustice, and backstabbers;

reciprocal companionship, meeting in the middle with interests and activities;

consideration for one another's resources and well-being as a matter of course;

mutual and genuine respect and support of one another's accomplishments, point of view, intelligence, experience, potential, capabilities, plans, and ambitions.

These basic and normal expectations can not and will not be fulfilled by a "Narcissist", regardless of their relationship to the person.

WHY Did The Narcissist Pick Me?!

The great question for those who have been through narcissistic abuse is WHY? 

Why do narcissists and control freaks single out one person but not another?

Why do some people seem to fall for their charms and cons, and not others?

The answer is actually pretty simple, believe it or not. There are facets and details that contribute to the answer, mitigating circumstances, life situations, and all kinds of emotional and mental factors that can be analyzed, extracted, injected, and examined to create each person's individual scenario. However, what it boils down to is simply this:

In most cases, "Narcissists" or controllers have something in common: they are used to having someone in their lives who they feel superior to. At some point in their childhoods, there was a person who was treated as an "inferior" to someone else. Someone was being treated as a sidekick, a scapegoat, a weakling, an underling. Someone was being treated on a regular basis as a LESSER human being. 

It might have been the person's sister or brother (How many people think it's "normal" and "okay" to treat a little sister or brother like garbage? And how many parents do nothing about it, and may even make the bullying worse by blaming the sibling who was being targeted because they favor the bully child?)

 It could have been their mother or father; if one parent made it a habit of dominating, abusing, and disrespecting the other parent, or even if they both did it to each other, the child is learning by what the parents MODEL, just like every other human kid. Basically they're learning: "It's natural to treat a person close to me with disrespect, even abuse, and dominate them like a crazed gorilla in order to get my way, and whoever is more abusive is the one who everyone treats better than the other one." The kid doesn't know that the "extra respect" people are giving the abuser is called "walking on eggshells", it's not "respect", it's avoidance of triggering their "wrath" because everyone is sick of the stress and problems they cause.

It could have been a kid down the street that everyone picked on. It could have been an Aunt and Uncle, where one treated the other like a servant; the child would of course NOT want to grow up to be the one who behaved like the servant, but like the one doing the ordering around. It could have been another kid's brother or sister who was being treated like a sidekick or a punching bag, or who was being left out of everything just for meanness' sake. Most likely that kid's sibling who was being left out was the opposite sex, but not always. It could have even been the kid himself or herself, getting treated like a sidekick, a ragdoll, or a scapegoat by his or her own family members, and in order to cope with the abuse, the child chose "finding someone else to target" as their main coping skill; they were being taught "how to bully" by their own family, directly.

So the narcissist grew up with someone in their life who they felt innately superior to.
This was almost always exacerbated by both someone else's bullying and scapegoating behavior toward a given target, AND by not being taught or guided about how to treat others, what ethics are, and why they're important. 
>Even if one parent did guide and teach the child with as much teaching skill and serenity as Gandhi, Mother Theresa, or the Dalai Lama, if that parent was treated with DISRESPECT by others in the family, the child will very likely learn to disrespect that parent and therefore dismiss, ignore, and disdain anything that parent tries to instill. 

The narcissist or controller person is used to feeling entitled to withhold "approval" of another person, is used to feeling like they have innate authority and superiority over whoever they decide is "lower" or "lesser" than themselves (and others like themselves), and is used to feeling "above" someone else in their personal life, and believes that's perfectly okay and normal. 

It's part of normal daily life, in their minds, for there to be someone who is "superior", and someone who is "inferior". 

They most likely do not know or comprehend that everyone does not think and live that way.


So that explains the Narcissist or Controller. What about the target?
Why does one person end up in an abusive relationship, and not another?

The answer to this is the same as the previous answer, but the flip side of that coin.

In most cases, a person who ends up being the target of a Narcissist or a Controller has been one before.

They were "trained" at some point in their lives to allow disrespectful behavior toward them from those around them. 
They learned to expect those in their personal lives to act as if they were better than them, stronger than them, smarter than them, more experienced than them, more knowledgeable, and tougher.
They were trained that someone else will know better, do better, and is more able to lead, to teach, to make decisions, and to get things done.
They were treated as if they were not "one of the people" who gets treated with automatic respect from others, because they just aren't.
They were trained to believe that they could not do "important" things on their own, that they needed someone else who was stronger, more knowledgeable, and braver than them to be there with them.
They were trained that the only reason people treat them with disrespect is because they are doing something to MAKE THEM treat them that way, or that they should deal with it because of who or what they are, "that's the way it is."
They were even trained to shrink back from standing up for themselves because it's "rude" and "bad manners".
This "training" could have come from the target's parents, but not necessarily. It could have come from one parent. It could have come from watching one parent target the other, and they identified with the targeted parent instead of the Controller parent, like the Narcissist might have done. It could have come from the school they went to, either the faculty, the other kids, or both. (Usually both, there are always narcissistic faculty members in most schools who undermine the values and ethics that other teachers are trying to uphold, who will pull the "Golden Child" and "Scapegoat Child" bit, or have sex bias issues, or just not like kids.) It could have come from the neighborhood, from other kids, other parents; it could have come from other relatives. It could have come from their closest friend, and that friend's family members. It could have come from their religious community, or from the entire community they grew up in.

So the ANSWER to the question of "WHY?" is simple. 

The Narcissist or Controller is just used to thinking of themselves as "above" and "superior", and they feel normal when they have a person targeted to be the "inferior" one.
They're a bully and think (or hope) that they're better.
(Maybe they want to be the Uncle who everyone treated like Royalty, and since he treated their Aunt like a rug, that's how they think "great people" act. Or maybe it was the Aunt who everyone treated like Royalty and the Uncle who was treated like a rug.)
Whatever, either way they're identifying themselves as a "SUPERIOR PERSON" who controls all, who doles out resources and approval, and makes demands to "underlings".

The Target is a person who has been through this before, and was taught that it was "normal". So the Target misses the "Red Flags" that someone else may have seen and steps past them.  It feels "normal" to the Target to NOT receive approval and reciprocal friendship. It feels normal to have someone in their life who seems to want to take the lead, or even take over things they should leave alone, and cross boundaries, change plans frequently, and act like the "stronger one". It even feels normal to be in a friendship or relationship with a person who seems UNINTERESTED or even dismissive toward the Target's interests, talents, ambitions, plans, feelings, accomplishments, and even pets and children. Because it all feels familiar, they've been here before.



Have you ever noticed that non-Narcissist men seem to see through Narcissism in other men that women tend to miss, but they miss the Red Flags flying on Narcissistic women?
Have you ever noticed the opposite is true also, that non-Narcissist women tend to spot Narcissism in other women before men seem to?
That's because it's more common for a person to be trained to accept Narcissistic, disrespectful behavior from the opposite sex than from one's own. Kids are "allowed" more often to stand up to children of the same sex, but not allowed to stand up to kids of the opposite sex, no matter how bad the bullying is. Girls are punished on a regular basis for standing up to boys and men who are disrespectful, bullying or nasty, and boys are punished for standing up to girls or women who bully them as well. Both girls and boys are frequently punished for standing up to any disrespectful adult, especially if the parents want to make a "good impression".

Standing up for one's self is not improper, and does not involve disrespecting, threatening, or bullying the other person back. 

Some girls and boys are even often directly taught not to stand up to ANYONE who threatens or gets physically abusive, which is literally crazy, especially since females are an average 5% smaller than males, and individuals of course (boys or girls) can have an even greater size difference between them. Talk about being trained to allow abuse! Being able to defend one's self confidently, and as safely as possible against an attacker should be a basic part of any child's learning.









Anxiety And Controllers

One of the ways controller personalities cause anxiety in their target (until the target realizes what they're doing) is following their target around and criticizing and micromanaging everything they do. They "piggyback" on the target. So if, for example, the living room needs dusting and the target notices it and starts dusting, the controller will follow the target and tell them what to do and how to do it, and will often criticize whatever the target is doing.

Controller personalities are opportunists; when they see an opportunity to "lord over" someone, they take it. If for example no one has cleaned the garage in years, the minute the target decides to put a day aside and clean it, that's the moment the controller will say something like "I need you to clean the garage.... and here's what I want you to do, and how I want it done." You can almost set your watch by it. Anything the target decides to do, the controller will jump on and try to turn it into "their idea", and try to take over and become the "boss".

I used to have a couple of employees in my contracting business. Most of them had a good work ethic and knew at least the basics of what they were doing, and if they didn't know something they would ask, or find out. But a couple of employees (that didn't last long) would watch what I was doing, and come over and try to take it physically out of my hands, or come over and try to tell me how to do whatever I was doing. These people were MY EMPLOYEES, what they needed to be doing was what they were hired for, and what I TOLD them to do, but they simply could NOT refrain from their compulsion to try to control ME and whatever I was doing. I would tell them what to do and they would counter me, even if they had no idea what they were talking about, or they would parrot back what I just said as if it was their idea and their plan. They would also talk over me to clients, take my tools, and act like as if THEY were the "boss" or the "expert" to any suppliers or other contractors. They would also do this to other employees. I did hire employees I would actually consider "expert" carpenters, and they rarely pulled any of that, they treated me with normal respect, even accounting for personality differences. I also experienced this same strange and immature behavior from some supply house employees, some other trades people, and even some customers.

Controlling parents will often do this with their children, even their adult children. If the child does not clean his or her room, it might go unnoticed. But the moment the controlling parent catches wind that the child is picking up clothes or untangling a mess, the parent is IN THERE, telling the child to clean the room, often with an attitude as if they told them a hundred times...berating them for not doing it before now... and telling the child JUST WHAT they should be doing, and how to do it, as if the child is completely incompetent. Often when the child is finished, the controlling parent will not say "good job", but will come and criticize or rearrange what the child has done, and completely disregard the child's personal space and possessions, as if the parent literally "owns" the child and everything attached to the child.

"Partners" and "friends" with control issues will also do this to their partners or friends. Usually the person who gets their self-esteem from comparing themselves with others will do this; they enjoy being the boss because it makes them feel powerful and in charge, regardless of whether they have ANY IDEA about what they're talking about or what they're doing. Controllers don't want equal friendships, they want mascots, sidekicks, and little sisters and brothers who they can boss around. I had an acquaintance like this who wanted to know how I make a certain cake. I invited her over so I could show her how and walk her through the recipe. To my dismay, everything I started to do she would correct me, or physically take it from me and try to do it herself, BEFORE I told her how to do it or what to put in. After a while I just stood back, far back, and let her screw it up, since she was obviously not interested in actually listening to me. I didn't correct her either, since she argued with everything I said anyway; if she wants to learn how to make that cake, she can figure it out on her own. 

This behavior can cause major anxiety, self-esteem, and confidence issues in a target that could take intensive therapy to repair.

Judgmental People

One of the more difficult things to actually grasp about narcissism for many is the reason they treat certain people like they're less important, or unimportant: they actually BELIEVE that the person IS less important than themselves, or unimportant to the human race and the world.
When they criticize or belittle a target for random things like how you wear your hair, how you spend your time, the job you have, the interests and ambitions you have, your education, your friends, your capability, your intelligence, and your mental stability, they're SERIOUS! They actually believe what is coming out of their mouth, much of the time. It's true, sometimes abusers will say mean things on purpose for the sole purpose of causing injury, but quite a lot of the time a Narcissist is dead serious about whatever he or she just said to you and about you.
Since one of the main problems that comes with narcissism is fantasy overlaying reality, a person with this disorder simply believes whatever their imagination tells them.
So if they see your dirty truck, their imagination might make up a reason for it, like "She's a lazy person, that's why the truck is dirty" or "He's a slob, he doesn't even wash his truck when he goes through mud puddles".
They don't have the capacity to think "Hey I don't know why that truck is dirty". They also, more importantly, don't have the capacity to see a dirty truck and THINK NOTHING about it, or transfer judgment onto the truck owner. EVERYTHING has to have a judgment, a "good" or "bad" assessment. Everything about another person HAS TO fall into a "good" or "bad" category, that's all they have.
There isn't even a neutral zone or a funny zone, like "Joe is so funny, he doesn't care what people think about his truck being dirty" or "I wish I was more like him, not caring what people think" or even "Oh neat, looks like Jane was 4-Wheeling with her truck again! I wonder if she went camping?"
There's no time where they wouldn't NOTICE anything they think is fodder for judgment. The ONLY time they will think with neutrality, understanding, or admiration about another person is if they have the person on a PEDESTAL. THEN the person can do NO WRONG... until of course they "fall off" the pedestal, and then it's back again to judging negatively.

Innate Power And Authority

Those with certain "narcissist" issues will often fixate on a person they do or don't know personally, and make them the center of their emotional world. They might idealize the person, or they might devalue the person. They might think of the person as almost (or literally) god-like, or they might try to make the person their "nemesis", or into a very bad or stupid person. It doesn't seem to occur to them that other people are just people, just like themselves; they will project giant greatness OR terrible evil, insanity, or stupidity on the other person, and then believe their projection. They do this frequently with those they believe to have some kind of power, from just personal "charisma" with someone they know socially or in their family, to anyone they perceive to have some kind of authority, to anyone who seems popular or in charge of something, to radio show hosts, talk show hosts, celebrities, and politicians.
Another developmental delay; this can be seen as a common step in childhood. Children must learn as they mature, usually with adult guidance, that all human adults are equal in personal authority, and that the only actual "power" any person has is in the job position they hold. When the person is not doing that job, even during the same day, they do not hold that "authority" over other adults. But until they learn that people are just people, just like themselves, they tend to believe that certain people hold INNATE "POWER" and authority. Those children who don't grow out of this for whatever reason often grow up to resent authority, to rebel randomly, and to not realize that if they took that same JOB, they would hold the same "authority" as the person they resent. Some of them grow up trying to GAIN that "innate authority" that they think some people have and others don't just by virtue of their being (or physical body, like race, sex, or body size, or their wealth, popularity, or career). No one has innate power over other adults, there is only authority related to one's job position IN REALITY. Unless of course one buys into a culture where "innate power" is taught to be real, based on race, sex, ancestry, religion or wealth. It is only "real" to those who buy it.

All Narcissists Are Men~?

Once and for all, when someone is talking about "Narcissism" or "Abusers" they are not referring to MALES. Unless the speaker or writer is specifically talking about a male Narcissist or Abuser, assuming that they are referring to MALES just by using the word "Narcissist" or "Abuser" makes no sense. That's like assuming a person is talking about Caucasians every time the word "Racist" is used, or referring to Asians every time the word Genius is used.

No one who has the slightest grasp of Narcissism or abuse believes for a millisecond that it's a "male only" trait or behavior. If you read something that seems biased for one sex or the other, that's THAT ARTICLE. Unless the writer actually says "Narcissists and abusers are male", then he or she is probably NOT saying that! And if he or she IS saying that, then move on! Don't read it! Don't take it seriously!

Writers who project ANY human traits onto either only females or only males obviously has personal bias issues and probably should not be taken seriously, at least while they are apparently writing from that bias. YOU have the ability to discern what you read. Stop assuming that every male writer and speaker is anti-female, and that every female writer and speaker is anti-male. When you open your eyes, you'll be amazed at what you see.

Why Don't They Seem To Want You To Be Successful?

Narcissists do not want their target to receive respect, recognition, or admiration from others. Positive attention from others toward the target is a threat to the oppressive hold the Narcissist is trying to keep over the target, It is a threat to their control, and also a threat to their ego; the Narcissist needs the target to remain at a "lower status" so that there will always be someone they can feel superior to. When others "SEE" the target and treat them like a REAL PERSON in the larger world, the target could realize that they have many more options and avenues in their life, and supporters who are actually nice to them to boot. So preventing the target from achieving accomplishment and success is tantamount to the Narcissist's ability to keep control over them. Also, if the target has supporters, those supporters may be able to see the Narcissist's control tactics, and that is a serious threat to the Narcissist's entire way of life and reputation.

The easiest way to prevent a target from achievement, success, and recognition is to make them believe that they CAN'T achieve it in the first place, that they aren't capable, smart enough, wealthy enough, mentally stable enough, attractive enough, or well liked enough. If the Narcissist can sabotage the target from even TRYING to achieve their goal, or cause enough chaos and pain to make them DROP their efforts, then they have achieved their own goal.

This behavior can be seen in every kind of human relationship there is, from teacher and student to employer and employee, parents and children, siblings, partners, "friends", to a larger scale such as governments and citizens, businesses and customers, between sexes, and between races.

Tolerance For One Mouth, Intolerance For Another

Tolerance and approval for one person and not another is RARELY, if ever, based on their actual behavior or actions. The filters through which human beings assess one another are more like a series of personal prejudices, emotional and mental triggers from childhood and adolescence, and ego inflammations.

This is extremely obvious if you pay any OBJECTIVE attention to the media, and the public's reaction to individuals in the media. That is, if you're capable of objectivity. Many humans are not.

When one political commentator rants on and on, they get a bigger time slot and more fans. When another one rants on and on, they get blasted with criticism and contempt. It's extremely obvious, and yet humans will deny it with their last breath.
Which one gets the time slot and which one gets the criticism and contempt? It's got NOTHING to do with their actual behavior, or what they're saying. It has EVERYTHING to do with the very conditioned and ego based biases that human filter everything through.

Who are your favorite political commentators? What do they have in common, PHYSICALLY?
Who are the ones you can't stand? What do THEY have in common, PHYSICALLY?

What are their ages, their gender, body type, weight, race, skin color, hair color and style, and accent?

We can rationalize all day long that it's about WHAT THEY SAY... but deep down we know that wegive MUCH MORE CREDENCE to what one says than the other. We overlook their bullying and condescension toward others, but we MAGNIFY the bullying and condescension of the commentators we DON'T like.
Therefore we don't actually LISTEN TO what they're saying, whether we like them or not. We filter everything, so if we like the person we excuse and rationalize their negatives, and if we don't, we magnify their negatives. We even make things up! We even idealize and overvalue the ones we like, and devalue the ones we don't!

Since humans have such a hard time with objectivity, it is exceedingly rare for a person to actually take in real information from others. We spin EVERYTHING to make it either BETTER or WORSE than it actually is. We do this with people we know, and people we don't know. It doesn't matter. If we want to listen to others objectively, we have to learn what our own biases actually ARE, and learn the difference between bias and reality. But few humans are willing to do that, sadly.



Mental Health Providers and Caregivers, Overworked, Over Pressured, and Under Evaluated

The fields of medicine including the fields of Psychiatry and Psychology require regular practice of humility in order to remain effective. As with any human vocation, when a practitioner or worker sees themselves as a higher class of human than those he or she serves, their ability to perform their job changes. The same happens when one becomes arrogant about one's experience and knowledge, whatever one's vocation is. If one feels like they have mastered all, they no longer seek new information or fresh eyes, and no longer double-check themselves. In the fields of medicine and care giving, arrogance is a huge liability since the price is human life. To place one's self or one's colleagues categorically above clients and patients, to see them and think of them as "Them", as "Other" is not a practice of healthy boundaries. It is simply a denial that "They" and "We" are the same "kind" of human, thus giving the "care giver" permission to treat them without the respect and care that one would treat "one of his/her own kind". Unfortunately few "care givers", regardless of their degree, seem to have reached a plane of maturity that allows them to treat clients and patients as "one of US" instead of "one of THEM". As a result, the quality of health care and mental health care is at an all time low, even though the advances in treatment are incredible.



There are providers out there who do have the capacity for respect toward their clients and patients, and the contrast of quality of care between them and those who do not is quite stark. If the practitioner seems blase toward you, is not interested in doing any testing, or seems to think he or she can assess you in one quick visit, you might want to think twice about going back. Put yourself in the evaluator' shoes; if they were treating someone they RESPECTED who was having as hard of a time emotionally or mentally as you are, or as hard of a time with other people in your life as you are, what would they be asking? What would they be testing? How much information would they want from the person? If you were the evaluator, and your patient was a person you respected, what would you be asking them?

How much information do you think it would take for one total stranger to get a TRUE GRASP on another total stranger's life; their real personality, real history, real family dynamic, and real mental and emotional profile?

If you made an appointment with your doctor because you had a pain in your abdomen, would the doctor ask you a few questions and then send you home with a prescription? Or would he or she do some actual tests to find out what the pain is from? If you have pain in your abdomen and the doctor is not interested in the cause, you need to find another doctor, and quickly.

So why is the BRAIN, the most important organ in the human body, NOT being treated in the same way? The brain is an ORGAN, and is extremely complex. It's literally the organ that allows us to be IN this world, to be conscious beings that are living and functioning as human beings. WHY would a "care provider" behave as if it's the LEAST important organ? As if a couple of questions and a some pills are all you need? OR, why would a "care giver" treat a patient like there's no way to fix what's "wrong" with them anyway, like they're a "lost cause", so why try very hard? Is that how you would treat another human being who came to you for help or care? Even if you were getting paid for helping and caring for clients and patients?

Would you assume that you could assess a person by looking at them; their clothes, their hair, their shoes, their make-up and jewelry, or lack thereof? How about the sound of their voice? How about their speech pattern, or the slang they use or don't use? How about their gender or their race? Would you want someone to assess you that quickly, with so little actual information, and then proceed to TREAT you? Doubtful.

So why does the mental health (and medical health) community do this on a regular basis? Aren't they supposed to be the beacons of professionalism, science, and thoroughness?

They are supposed to be, and a few out there maintain this level of scientific and ethical standard. But you will be hard pressed to find them. What you will find today more often than not is someone who works too many hours, who is paying very high insurance premiums or working for someone who is paying very high insurance premiums, who does not utilize all the evaluation tools available or even a few of them because it's inconvenient, costly, time consuming or sometimes because they don't know how to use them. There is also more than one "school" of psychology; those who receive degrees do NOT necessarily learn them all, and in fact rarely do.There is actually a tendency for students to be taught one "school" of psychology as if it's the "right one" and that the other ones are "wrong", so they don't even consider them. Which sounds very un-academic and unscientific; that's because it IS.

There is even a "school" of medicine that teaches practitioners to treat the SYMPTOMS but NOT the CAUSE. (This way you can take medicine for what ails you forever, until it kills you. If you are cured, then you don't have to buy that medicine anymore, do you?)

A regular dose of humility and an injection of respect for clients. The cure for what ails us. 



Contempt In Families and Relationships

If your partner shows that he or she feels contempt for you, or if you feel it for them, or if you both feel it for each other, that's not normal, and it's not part of a normal and healthy relationship. There's not supposed to BE contempt in a relationship, ESPECIALLY in a so-called "romantic" relationship. Parents are NOT supposed to feel contempt for their child, that's not normal or healthy, it's an indication of mental illness. And "romantic partners" are not supposed to feel contempt for one another either. Contempt is right next to hatred. Hatred is not a normal part of any relationship, EVER. If you have contempt for another person, you either need to get help for that specifically, or you need to be far, far away from that person and NOT be in contact with them.
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