Condescension And Human Nature

Human beings have a tendency to assume ignorance, naivete, and inexperience about others. Narcissists do this to an extreme, but most people do it on a regular basis to some degree. It seems to be another left-over vestige of childhood that we bring along into adulthood, perhaps because we never had enough cause or consequence to make us think about it.
So when another child cried, Matthew felt stronger in comparison, and assumed the other child was weaker, more delicate, or more fearful than himself, overall. He "forgot" everything else about the other child, how many times that child had helped him, comforted him, and protected him from bullies.
When another child struck out and displayed frustration, Susan felt more skilled in comparison, more experienced, and more confident than the other child, overall. She "forgot" everything else about the other child, like Matthew, like all the times that child had excelled in other games and sports, and the times that child had helped her gain confidence in her own ability.

Many children will simply isolate each incident and event, as if each event is representative of the entire picture. So on Tuesday at school, John wins the 20 yard dash; John now believes he is the "fastest runner in the school". On Thursday, Mary wins the 50 yard dash. John becomes very upset, and starts making excuses like his legs were tired, and Mary had better shoes, and Mary had eaten a candy bar, and he just didn't feel like running. But reality is that Mary usually wins their dash races, or comes in second or third. She has been one of the top runners in their class since first grade, but John simply seems to "forget" everything about Mary. On the day he won the 20 yard dash, he comforted her and told her she would get better if she kept trying.
Why did John do that? Because he's human, and humans do that when we don't pay attention. We especially do it to those who are younger or smaller, and we tend to do it more to females than males. We do it more to those who don't raise red flags in our subconscious about condescension. For example, we would probably do it much more quickly to a clerk than a manager. Much more quickly to a female trainee than a male trainee. Much more quickly to a short male trainee than a tall one. Much more quickly to a student than a teacher. Much more quickly to a female patient or client than a male one.
When we DON'T do it, it's not always because we are vigilant and aware, and respectful of others. It's often just because our subconscious gave us a little 'red flag' warning before we started talking, so we redirected ourselves and did not condescend. In other words, our tendency as humans IS to DO IT, and we don't do it, usually, only because we stop ourselves from doing it because of the OTHER PERSON, because of their size, their sex, or their position. Often factors like race, facial expression, or even the car they drive or their clothes and appearance, or their age can set off our little warning flags. If we don't get any red flag warnings, then we just seem to "forget" all about the evidence we have seen that indicate the experience, intelligence, and capability of that person, and we speak to them as if they "just jumped off the turnip truck". Most of us have this blind spot. We can become more aware just by paying more attention.

No One Cares?

It is just as difficult for an "abuser" to have a genuine friend, or genuine support network, or get proper mental health care, as a "target". The epidemic of narcissism is far and wide, and refusing to be supportive toward friends and family IS the most common and obvious symptom. People leave strangers, even children, lying in the street after a heart attack or getting hit by a car. They stand there and watch in a crowd while a person drowns. That's the same reaction as refusing to act as a supportive ally toward a friend or a family member, and instead withdrawing, or blaming them, throwing hands in the air and claiming "too busy!" when the only things they're "too busy" with is having a good life and making money. If you need a supportive friend, talk to someone who's not a narcissist, who is an actual adult. Even if they're walking through fire in their own lives, they will have time to lend an ear, or a shoulder, or a cup of coffee, and they won't blame you, judge you, or criticize you. A narcissist will, because it makes them feel smart or powerful or something. Seek genuine hearts, even if they're going through pain and tribulation themselves, they will still have time to talk; they don't set a "price" for friendship ,and they don't want to be bowed to. They're hard to find, but when you do find one, respect them and their boundaries, don't overstep at all, and be very grateful, because you are very lucky to have found one.

Respect My Authority! Control Issues, Authority and Status

Taking on an air of "authority" is common in controllers. They desire control, so they imagine themselves as an "authority person". They will seem to take on the behavior, intonation, language and body language of some kind of authority figure, such as a stern, controlling parent, or a stern Headmaster, or a stern Boss, or the way they imagine an "official" acts, a coach, or all of the above. If they knew a such a person in their youth, they may just mimic that person, sometimes right down to specific words and phrases.
 

http://www.danladds.com/167/royal-wedding-retrospect/

Because they have taken on this "authoritative role", they imagine that they deserve the extra "respect" that they think such an authority person is entitled to. They don't really understand CONTEXT. In other words, they don't realize that the Headmaster was acting in the Headmaster position, and the authority and "power" he or she seemed to wield was not INNATE, but was only relevant within the position of Headmaster. When the Headmaster was not performing the job, the "authority" was set down, and not present. The Headmaster was not a "Headmaster" in the rest of life, and did not have innate authority and power just because of WHO HE WAS, or WHO SHE WAS, as if their very being gave them automatic Entitlement.

A person with control issues may see the whole world in the context of "STATUS". They may believe that their sex or their race gives them an automatic "authority" or "status" position. They may believe that becoming a Wife means status and authority; becoming a Husband means status and authority; becoming a Mother is a "status position", or becoming a Father is a "status position". They often transfer this to the world, as well, not just in the home. So they believe that "Father" is a status title, or "Mother", or "Husband", or "Wife". They may see it only a little, or not see it at all, as a relationship, or a partnership, or caring for, loving, and raising children. 
This is one reason why some people will hold on to a relationship or marriage that is obviously terrible, even if they have told their spouse that they hate them, or are regularly betraying them. They aren't holding on to the PERSON, they are holding on to what they believe is a status position.
 
There is a gap in understanding authority and hierarchy. They may see their own mother or father's actions and tone as their entire personality, and the authority he or she seems to possess as all-encompassing. A child may mimic a parent's intonations and body language because they think they will "become" one of the ADULTS, and thereby have authority OVER their siblings. This mimicry can be seen in all kinds of situations where there is a leader in a group; a youth will mimic a coach, a scout leader, a clergy person, a teacher, or an employer, and expect to "become" an authority figure because they have taken on the traits or character of such a person.
Just like a youth will mimic a famous musician because they aspire to become a famous musician, a controller will mimic an authority figure because they want to "become" an authority figure. In their minds, authority figures are "natural" authority figures, and if they "become" one, they will automatically be entitled to superior respect and special treatment.

This is where ego-injury can often be seen ~ when a controller is not actually IN such an authority position, he or she will probably NOT get treated with extra respect. This can feel like DISRESPECT to them, so they can become very offended or angry, and some may become abusive. Also, when a controller over-uses his or her "authority" when they are actually in an authority position, those "under" them (employees, children, students) will eventually become tired of their control issues and rebel.

Those who do not desire control can find it hard to imagine that a person would actually WANT to be "in charge", just to be in charge. A controller will actually take a job that will let them be in control over others, regardless of what the job actually is.

This can be seen in all fields and areas of human-care, including teaching, coaching, medical, psychology, and caregiving. Those who take jobs for this reason are not taking the job for reasons of caregiving, and serious problems usually occur.

Controllers may want to get married or have children so they can have (in their minds) family members to be "in charge of". They are not getting married for actual partnership, and they are not having children to actually raise human beings into happy, well-rounded adults. They are simply trying to procure a position of "status" that THEY believe will entitle them to authority over others.

Controllers will actually go through the work to acquire a college degree, even a law or medical degree, just to procure a position of authority and entitlement. They can become depressed when they actually start working and realize that they did not procure the authority they had assumed they would. They can often become tyrannical toward employees, and arrogant toward clients.

Controllers even often make "friends" with those they think they can play "authority" over, who won't protest very much, or who they believe is less intelligent, capable, or physically strong. When their target "friend" doesn't appreciate their attempts at "authority" over them, they can become very offended and angry, as if the target "friend" is the one who is "out of line".

They take on these control behaviors because they believe they will become a "natural authority person", and therefore will be ENTITLED to authority, in their imagination. That's how they may actually believe the "world" works. And it does, but only within circles of people with control issues and status obsession.

M.M.Black

Beauty and People Beliefs

We all reach adulthood in age and body whether we actually matured or not. Most of us bring many of our childhood assumptions and judgments about others with us, and forget to grow out of them for one reason or another. Sometimes, hopefully, we catch ourselves and have a V8 moment of "wow, I've been thinking that way and didn't even realize it!"

Some of these misperceptions and beliefs that some of us actually truly believe, and live lives by, include:

>The appearance and looks of a person reflects who and what they are inside.

>A person is easy to figure out after meeting them once or twice.

>Women who are "beautiful" think about sex, and must have sex.

(basic projection; when A finds B sexy, A imagines that B finds herself sexy too, and therefore believes that B thinks about sex like A does. A could be male or female.)

>Men who are "beautiful" are all players.

(envy and projection; C imagines that if he were as good looking as D, that's what he would be doing, and would be able to "get away with it".Also jealousy: E imagines that D would never be attracted to her and feels resentment, so she creates a negative profile of D in her mind.) )

>When a woman smiles at a man, or acts friendly, it's because she's sexually attracted to him.

>Ability and intelligence are based on height.

>Ability and intelligence are based on gender.

>Women have only a fraction of the body strength that men have.

>Men are natural leaders, women are natural followers.

>All women are very similar mentally.

>All men are very similar mentally.

>All men are physically stronger than all women, automatically, and are born with a natural ability to build and repair things, which women are not born with.

>All women are physically weaker but more graceful than all men, automatically, and are born with a natural ability to nurture and care for others, which men are not born with.

>All Caucasians are very similar to one another.

>All Africans are very similar to one another.

>All Asians are very similar to one another.

>(Etc.)

>Beauty and good looks are seen the same way by everyone. If I think a woman is beautiful, that means everyone else does, too. If I think a man is unattractive, that means everyone else does, too.

>Taller and bigger people are better leaders, and more grown-up.

 (This is a childhood imprint left-over; adults are taller and bigger, and are the leaders who make things happen and control the resources. That feeling of "whoever is tall or big is an adult" gets imprinted and remains into adulthood)

>Shorter and smaller people are more child-like, and it's okay to boss them around and invade their space.

(Also a childhood imprint left-over; anyone who is shorter than me is younger than me, and is therefore a child, and therefore has less experience, maturity, and authority than I do. And, it is okay to pick up a child, take things away from a child, condescend to a child, and invade their space.)

>Short men have "short man's complex".

>Tall men aren't as bright.

>Short women are like children, and not very strong, and don't have the same rights as other people, and it's okay to treat them with less respect.

>Tall women are stuck-up, bitchy, and like to boss men around.

>Tall women and tall men are automatically beautiful and more attractive, and everyone thinks so.

>All men are attracted to small women, and also women with large breasts.

>All women want men who are rich, or who are physically strong and "tough".

>All women like the same things, and don't like "man" stuff.

>All men like the same things, and don't like "woman" stuff.

>EVERYTHING is divided into "Man Stuff" and "Women Stuff".

>Marijuana is the devil.

>Marijuana is not a drug and has zero ill side effects.

>College degrees indicate intelligence, not having a college degree indicates lower intelligence and lack of capability.


There are of course many more, but all of them are based on a kind of black and white thinking, or "pink and blue" thinking. Young children will often rate an attractive teacher as "nicer" than an older or less attractive teacher on the first day of school, before they have had any interaction with either teacher. Adults will vote for the taller candidate and promote the taller applicant. You can probably find examples of this kind of perceptual immaturity right in your own home, maybe even in yourself and didn't realize it. These are basically snips of childhood that we didn't grow out of for one reason or another, and sometimes nothing big enough happens to shake our tree and make us realize we were thinking this way.
But, some people are INVESTED in these beliefs and perceptions; they came to see the world this way and felt SAFE at some point, so they KEPT these pocket beliefs, HELD ON to them, and simply decided to stay there. They may have even been taught these things by adults who were emotionally invested in this way. 



M.M.Black

Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess

Lord, thou knowest better than myself that I am growing older and will soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and at every opportunity.

Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples' affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.

Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains -- they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.

I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn't agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint -- it is so hard to live with some of them -- but a harsh old person is one of the devil's masterpieces.

Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.

Amen”
― Margot Benary-Isbert

Bad Ass

Really sick of this culture of "tough" and "bad ass" and "I'll kick their ass", it's so freaking boring. How is that ego-display any different from morally superior judgment ego-display, or intellectual superiority ego-display? They're exactly the same thing, and they're all based in control, and they all lead to... 

BORING. 

There's no sharing point of view, there's no listening to another person's ideas or experiences, no cooperation to build cool things or make life better (actually better), there's no giving a crap about others or caring for their well-being, it's just control, control, I'm in control, I'm a bad-ass so you better listen to me...I'm smarter than you so you better bow to me... I'm higher in God's eyes so I have the right to look down on you and you better listen to me... I'm BIGGER THAN YOU so you better listen to me...I have bad-ass friends so you better listen to me... I'm rich so you better listen to me... I have a degree so you better listen to me... I'm enlightened so you better listen to me... I'm a woman so you better listen me... I'm a man so you better listen to me... give me a freaking break. Humans are humans are humans. ALL CONTROL IS FROM THE SAME EXACT PLACE. There is no reason that gives that entitlement, like a little crown on a person's head. We are all here on the same ride, it would be WAY MORE FUN if so many kiddies would stop trying to be the BOSS over the other kids.

Why People Treat You Like You're Incapable

When some people keep criticizing you when you do certain things, it may be because they don't want you to do that thing, period.
They don't want you to be proficient at it, or gain confidence in your ability.

John goes down to the ball field to practice. Several other kids are there practicing too, with a couple adults. When Bill gets up to hit, everyone says "go Bill, you can do it, nice job", whether he gets a hit or not. When Jeff gets up to hit, everyone says "go Jeff, nice swing, good job", even if he doesn't get a hit. When John gets up to hit, only a couple of people say "go John". John has an excellent swing and gets a hit on the third pitch, but instead of saying "nice hit, John, good job", one of the adults tells him what he did "wrong". The other kids hear this and chime in too, giving John all kinds of criticisms about his stance, his swing, even the way he runs. They call these "pointers", and "constructive criticism". Reality is, John is one of the best hitters, and the adult is jealous. John is a better hitter than his own child, and seems more skilled than he was at the same age. With enough of this focused, contrived "constructive criticism", John will eventually stop coming to practice, lose interest in baseball, feel like he doesn't fit in, or stop believing that he has any reason to believe he could be good at baseball.

When Susan picks up a hammer and a saw, she's in Heaven, she feels creative and at peace. She loves to build things. Every time one of the people in the neighborhood see her building something, either another kid or an adult, they try to pick out something she's doing "wrong", even if they know very little or nothing about carpentry. They give her all kinds of advice that she doesn't ask for, and they "assess" her work. They compare things she builds and makes to things their uncles, fathers, or grandfathers have made. The only person who does not constantly try to pick her apart is her brother, but his friends all do it every chance they get. Eventually Susan starts trying to hide her projects, but when someone hears her sawing, banging or drilling, they will either make a comment or find her and comment on what she's doing. If they can't find something wrong with what she's doing, they will pick on her clothes or her hair. If that doesn't work, they'll say what she's doing is dangerous. If that doesn't work, they'll try to criticize the actual equipment she's using. Every criticism will be denied, or called "Constructive criticism". The invasion of her space will be denied and laughed off, and if she stands up for herself against their behavior, they will criticize her for that, too.
Really it's a campaign to stop Susan from doing carpentry, because everyone in the neighborhood wants carpentry to be a "male" thing. They don't care about reality, or Susan, obviously. All they care about is trying to force her into fitting into their stereotypes that comfort them. Susan's proficiency and enthusiasm destroy their illusions about males and females, so they target Susan and try to make her STOP. (Hopefully, her brother will remain a solid friend to her and keep supporting her and seeing her for who she really is, and not give in to the peer pressure from his ignorant and immature friends. She will need his friendship and support, otherwise she will probably give up due to the stress of the constant harassment, and give up the very thing that brings her peace and confidence.)

First Impressions

Many people will think they KNOW YOU based on a short list of little things they think they noticed about you.

Have you ever heard "I didn't know you had it in you!"
or "I didn't think you could do that!" or "I had him/her all wrong". Those statements reflect that someone had believed they knew "all about" someone, and had no doubt, even after several years.

They may have met you 5 minutes ago, or 20 years ago. Those who met you 5 minutes ago will often think they've accurately assessed you based on about 5 superficial things that can't possibly reflect who you are, like your size, your sex, your appearance (clothes, hair, makeup, jewelry), the sound of your voice, and most importantly, how you "make them" FEEL. They will probably assess you as "nice" if you seemed friendly to them; they will probably assess you as "not nice" if you did not give them the feeling that you were paying enough attention to them.
If you are dressed conservatively, they will see that as your personality. If you are wearing an Armani suit, they will think they know why. If you are wearing torn jeans, they may think that's what you always wear, and that you don't have any other clothes. If you are dirty from working, they will assess you as a "hard worker" if you're male, but if you're a woman, they won't, they'll just think you should be cleaner (even if they saw you working.) If you are very well groomed, they may instantly assess you one way if you're a man, and another way if you're a woman. (It's not actually about YOU, it's about THEM.) If you are very tall or very small, their assessment will be focused around that, and they will often believe they are either stronger and more experienced than you, or weaker and less experienced than you. If your skin color or hair color is different, they will focus their assessment around that. "She's nice for a white lady" or "He's nice for a black guy", etc. These "assessments" are not based in reality or logic, they are based only on reactions that developed in childhood and adolescence. (There's hardly any actual intellectual activity going on, and very little awareness of personal bias, prejudice, or assumptions.)

Those who met you 20 years ago did that same assessment after 5 minutes, back when they met you 20 years ago. Since then, they have built their impression of you STILL on the way your behavior makes THEM feel. They may not know that you're an excellent cook, or that you rescue animals on a regular basis, or that you used to own your own company, or that you race motorcycles, or that you are a sculptor, etc., even after 20 years. Why? Because they think they already knew everything about you a long time ago. They created a "profile" of you in their imagination years ago, and that's what they believe about you. Their profile of you is most likely pretty far off the mark, and are missing large chunks of the reality of "YOU".

Humans do this kind of assuming that they "know" much more than they actually do all the time. It's our subconscious's way of protecting us from our own anxiety, which lets us move through life without constantly getting STUCK. But without the awareness that our brains do this, we tend to believe our assumptions fully, and don't remember that we DON'T KNOW everything about a thing, a subject, or a PERSON. (If we know how to make an omelette, we might think we're an excellent cook, and that we are Omelette Masters. We think we know basically everything there is about making Omelettes, so we don't seek more information, and we don't want to hear someone TELL US how THEY make an omelette. We do this with everything, sometimes just a little, and sometimes to a ridiculous degree. Some do it less, some do it more.)

When people meet you, what do they see?
Picture what the world looks and sounds like when you are wearing a helmet with a face shield. What can you see and hear? It's not even close to what's really around you. You can't see much, and you can't hear much, compared to when you're not wearing it. If you see a bird, you might not be able to tell what kind of bird it is. If someone is dancing 10 feet away from you, you can't see them unless you turn toward them. Sounds are muffled, language is unclear. Vision is limited. Your mind ADAPTS to the limitation of the helmet, and you learn to drive your motorcycle or your race car with less information than you would have normally. When a person meets you, they might as well be wearing a helmet. Very little information gets through, but they believe they got most of the picture anyway. Many will believe they have learned more than enough to know "what you're about". They're not aware that they're wearing a mental helmet. Many will even FILL IN their imagination about what you do in your spare time, how smart you are, how physically strong you are, what you are CAPABLE of or NOT capable of, HOW you grew up, whether you're rich or poor, your VALUES, your BELIEFS, and what you think about THEM.

Many people who have known you for 20 years will also FILL IN their imaginations about you, and believe they are right, and never question their assumptions. They will continue to treat you as if YOU ARE the pretend-person they have created in their imagination. Your pretend-profile in their minds is actually about THEM, not you. They build it in accordance with what makes them feel okay.

For example, many people will subconsciously attribute parental qualities to those who are taller then they are, and attribute child-like traits to those who are smaller than they are. This is magnified with people who are very tall or very short. They will asses the exact same behavior DIFFERENTLY when a taller person does it than when a shorter person does it. This is NOT about the other person, this is about THEM.

They don't know to separate their own feelings from who you are:
>Many will assess you as stuck-up, or even sexually promiscuous, if THEY find YOU attractive (even if you're wearing a turtle neck).
>Many will decide you are fragile as glass, or solid as a rock, just from one look at your arms, hands, maybe your shoulders.
>They may decide that you're a drug-user from something as silly as looking at your shoes or your hair.
>They may decide what you do for a living, or what you CAN'T DO, just from looking at you for one second.

And they will often BELIEVE these assessments, without ever finding out ANYTHING about you in reality. They may never doubt these assessments at all.

Another example, if they have identified themselves as a "great cook" or a "spiritual healer", then they may imagine that you are NOT a great cook, or ignorant about "spiritual healing", so they won't feel challenged or outshined. If you actually ARE a great cook or have experience with spiritual healing, they may try to dismiss anything you do or say that shows that you are. So in their pretend profile of you, you can't cook much, and you're a novice/beginner in spiritual healing, so they can be the expert.
If you received your degree from the top chef school in America, they may still rationalize that you're not "really" a chef, or that you probably barely passed, or that you must have had help.

The REALLY WEIRD thing about this common habit of extreme over-confidence in assessing others and believing these imaginary profiles is this:

When you do something that proves one of these assumptions WRONG, the ASSUMER may become UPSET, as if YOU DID something to hurt their feelings or disrespect them!!! They can actually feel OFFENDED that you are NOT what they wanted you to be. So if they had you pegged as someone who CAN'T use tools, and you go and change your own oil filter, they can actually get MAD AT YOU, and maybe not LIKE YOU anymore.

If they want you to be a person who is AFRAID of reptiles, because it makes THEM feel "tough", and you catch a snake that's on the path in front of you, they can actually get MAD AT YOU, as if you've just done something TO THEM by not playing out their imaginary profile they made for you.

Relationships with those who create imaginary profiles of you can be difficult, confusing, and dramatic. They are not operating in reality, so you can't build a REAL friendship with them based on REAL things. They will continue to treat you according to their imaginary profile of you, maybe forever.

As far as "first impressions" go, understanding that a very large number of humans will believe they know all about you in the first 5 minutes of meeting you might help explain why people talk about that and try to teach youths why it's important. OF COURSE it's silly that people assume things about you in the first minute of meeting you, but that's what they do, so being aware of that fact can help make life go more smoothly. If you actually want that job, dress to look more like a conservative person, and don't worry about the interviewer not "seeing" who you really are. They probably don't have the ABILITY to see you for who you are, and they can't anyway in that small amount of time, even if they were a genius. They are looking for very basic superficial signals that might not even make sense, they might be TERRIBLE at assessing other people. But you want that job, so give the interviewer what they are looking for, even if it feels alien to you. First impressions are MORE important when dealing with those who are LESS ABLE to understand that there is much more to a person than whatever they assume in the first 5 minutes, and your awareness of this is even more important.

M.M.Black

Patriarchy

Ever wonder why everyone seems to think there 

HAS TO BE 

either a 

Patriarchy or a Matriarchy?

Can't anyone think outside their childhood imprinting?

Does Illness And Hardship Mean Entitlement?

There are some people who will attribute elevated status and power to their having a physical illness or disability, as if it makes them somehow privileged, special, and above reproach. Not all people or just anyone who has a physical infirmity do this, just those who exhibit certain traits or emotional "dysregulation". They seem to buy into a belief that their illness or disability makes them superior to others, and gives them the right to demand and command, and that others should put them, their needs and their whims above all else. This person has the capacity to use anything at all to claim superiority and demand special treatment. Before they were ill or disabled, they were probably using something else to claim special privilege. They may have believed they were entitled to special treatment for reasons ranging from their height, their ancestry, their sex, their wealth or lack thereof, their certificates and diplomas, their job, their talent, their reputation, others in their family that have wealth, fame or "status", the size of certain body parts (both males and females), even the car they drive, the house they live in, the shape of their face, the clothes they wear, or their pets. (They were most likely exposed to this behavior by someone else as a child.)

They may have already been using past traumas, tragedies, near-tragedies, or past abuses and betrayals against them as badges that they felt entitled them to special treatment, recognition, status, privilege, and more sympathy and LEEWAY than others. 

Obviously, when any person is a target of unfairness or abuse, those around them should help them and care for them. And when a person deals with tragedy, loss, injury or illness, those around them should help them and care for them, and help them get back on their feet. It is sad and awful when help is not forthcoming. But those who exhibit these entitlement traits will DEMAND special treatment from others, as if their tragedy or illness has given them special status above  others.

They will refuse to recognize anything that others are going through or are dealing with, because that would mean that THEY qualify for special entitled treatment TOO, which would 

A) remove the person from the roster of servants and subordinates and 

B) take away from the "high status', and also take some of the other people's attention and service away.

Like when one child is sick and gets to stay home from school, and watch TV in the bedroom, and gets extra attention and special food, and the other siblings have to keep doing their chores and going to school. Those with entitlement issues will see the sick child as getting "royal" treatment and special privileges for no "real" reason, they don't process that the reason the child is being cared for is to cure the illness, not because the child has been crowned "special".
So, the siblings who have entitlement issues will be jealous or envious of the sick child, as if the sick child is receiving favoritism, and not simply normal care because of illness, same as they would receive. If the sick child has the entitlement issues, he or she will believe that the special treatment is because he or she is being placed above the other children. In neither case is there an understanding or grasp of reality.

A person without these narcissistic personality traits will be grateful for any help they get from others, and may be angry with their illness, but not with the people around them who genuinely care. (They have the right of course to be angry with people who are ACTUALLY abusive or neglectful toward them.) But to be resentful and angry because someone can't drop everything they're doing is very self-centered. To DISMISS the tragedies, losses and hardships of others as insignificant or unimportant is blatantly narcissistic. To try to MAKE others "recognize" this "entitlement" using shame, blame, and condescension is a common tactic.

People of course SHOULD care for one another. Denying, blocking, or sabotaging care is of course blatant narcissism, even if we "don't like" the person very much. (If we really don't like them, we can still help them find care somewhere else.) But illness, injury, and hardship are not things to be held up as a badge of superiority, or an excuse to diminish others. 

>>>Further on causes of this behavior~ they may have had a relative or an acquaintance who exhibited this behavior, and came to believe that illness or "scars" from past tragedies actually are badges of entitlement, and that whoever is sick or recognized as having been through hardship gets all the recognition and attention. If people DID jump or give "high-status-attention" around this person they knew, instead of caring for them in a healthier manner, it's easy to see how they could have bought it as true. It is recognized in several areas of medicine and therapy that many people will subconsciously "allow" themselves to become ill in order to either receive preferential treatment, or to get those around them to stop abusing or neglecting them. If it works, they may subconsciously hold on to the illness or magnify the hardship as a strategy, and avoid healing or solutions.

>A "test" for a person, or for one's self, to see if this might be the case, just see how you feel or how they respond to the suggestion that it's true, in general (NOT accusing them of doing it).

>A person who is in denial because they are doing it (subconsciously) will immediately react with some kind of negativity, dismissal, or judgment. If I'm doing it, I might go "Oh that's b.s., why would anyone do that?" or I might say "I would never do that!". I wouldn't spend any time on speculating about the idea, and I would not even visit the possibility that I might be doing it in some way.   

>On the other hand, if I'm not in denial, I might say "that's interesting", and then discuss it for a minute or longer, without any negative comments or criticisms. The mere subject would not have an emotional effect on me because I'm not taking it personally.

>(One more qualifier, very important~ ACCUSING a person of doing this will almost certainly cause a defensive reaction, just because accusations are rude and hostile. You would get the same reaction if you accused them of anything at all, regardless of if they were actually doing the thing you accused them of, or NOT. The way to bring up a subject or ask a question is with respect, courtesy, and politeness, with no assumptions, blame, or condescension.)

M.M.Black

"People Treat Me Like Crap" "People Treat Me Like Royalty"

Strangers and acquaintances do not treat you with either respect or disrespect because of "who you really are". There's no way for them to know "who you really are", so don't believe you are wonderful or awful just because of the way you get treated by other people. Humans respond to the way THEY FEEL, not the way YOU ACTUALLY ARE. Even people you've known for a long time don't necessarily know "who you really are", so when they treat you like you're wonderful or like you're awful, it's really a reflection of their own internal emotional reactions. You might actually be wonderful or awful, but it's just as likely that you're not, and most likely it's that you're both at the same time, like everyone else.

Domination Behavior

There is a key thing that chimpanzees and humans have in common. Once you can accept this and understand it, it's much easier to understand a great deal of human behavior. That key is the compulsion to dominate, and to DISPLAY domination.

In emotionally secure humans, and many chimpanzees, the desire to dominate is focused on learning and skill, creating a comfortable living environment, and problem solving.

However in others, the same domination compulsion is transferred and focused to dominating other members of the group.

This compulsion can include the strong desire to prove one's self GOOD ENOUGH, and BETTER, and STRONGER, and MORE WORTHY, or MOST WORTHY.
This compulsion can not be carried out in a vacuum.
There absolutely has to be at least one other person around to carry it out, to be a person who can be a target TO BE AN INFERIOR. (Not actually inferior, just in the mind of the person who is craving the feeling of domination.)
Some humans will recruit another human to play that role, the one who they get to play "I AM MORE WORTHY THAN YOU ARE" with, all the time. Like a 'pet human' who is always there to squish, in order to get that feeling of "BETTER THAN YOU".

>This 'pet human' will be treated like a "sidekick" not only by the "Dominator", but also by associates and friends of the "Dominator" person; not like an EQUAL PERSON.
>In other words, handshakes, formal introduction, eye contact, and direct communication ONLY goes to the "Dominator".
>The 'pet human' will be consistently treated like a lesser person, WITHOUT proper and polite manners, courtesy, or respect from either the "Dominator" or from other associates.
>IF and WHEN someone does treat the 'pet human' with direct and normal respect, proper manners, and direct communication, that person will quickly be REDIRECTED or REJECTED by the "Dominator", using domination displays to send a message to either the person, or to the 'pet human'. 

This kind of dynamic can be seen in any type of relationship, from a pair of childhood classmates to a pair of siblings, a parent and child, a "romantic" relationship, even coworkers or business partners.

Both humans and chimpanzees show this compulsion in varying degrees, due to genetics, the behavior of other members in their group/community, the level of guidance and support they received growing up, and past experiences.
Both humans and chimpanzees who have a high degree of dominance display behavior appear to have a harder time learning about the dynamics of healthy relationships, progress, interactive cooperation that's needed to achieve larger goals, and ethics.
In humans, the higher degree of domination behavior, the lower the apparent ability to self-reflect, to empathize, to be actually independent, or to handle change.

Something you may or may not have noticed: Both humans and chimpanzees use body language AND vocalizations to express emotions, to try to dominate others, and display "worthiness" so they will be accepted in a group. Humans use noises and tones,
but they also use LANGUAGE.

Think of the word "DISPLAY" here to mean "TO SHOW", the way some male birds "display" their colors to attract a mate, or the way male Iguanas "display" their throats to show agitation, or the way female dogs "display" their teeth to warn other dogs away from their puppies.

An example of language display can be seen when a human wants to be accepted in a group as "one of them"; a person will learn LABELS so that he or she can say them in the group, in order to DISPLAY to the others that he or she knows what they know, and "fits in", and is "one of them". LABELS such as names of pieces of equipment, parts, brand names of such parts and pieces. Also LABELS such as names of PEOPLE who are probably known by the members of the group, or that they might LOOK UP TO. When a person wants to be seen as an "insider", an "expert", or a "guru", he or she may purposely learn specialized words, labels, and names. (Learning "jargon" is a very common way a human will use language to appear knowledgeable and experienced.)

This use of WORDS to falsely DISPLAY "experience" and "knowledge" usually WORKS on most people, even if they do it themselves.

>So, a person might want to fit in with some musicians because they are worried about being treated with condescension and disrespect when they are learning to play guitar (a well-founded fear). Instead of learning guitar parts, amplifier manufacturers, and the names of musicians and histories AS THEY learn to play, NATURALLY, they may put a large amount of effort and time into learning WORDS that they can use when they TALK to musicians. Unfortunately, many people who do this put more time and effort into learning the labels, names, and words than they do into their actual playing. Strangely enough, they will STILL be seen by many as someone who "knows about guitars and music" just because they have learned what WORDS to use. In other words, a person might learn every bass guitar manufacturer that ever existed, know what bass strings are made of, be able to name all of the parts of a bass guitar, be able to name several bass players, but NOT KNOW HOW to play one very well at all, NOT KNOW HOW to repair one, and NOT REALLY KNOW HOW those parts actually WORK. This person knows the WORDS, but not the rest of it. But since the reason he or she learned the WORDS was to APPEAR experienced and knowledgeable, he or she will DENY what they don't really know, and try to hide it.

And here's the kicker~ Humans will more often than not TREAT a person who knows the WORDS but NOT how to play, build, or repair a bass guitar like they know what they're talking about, MORE than a person who DOES KNOW how to play, how to repair, or how to build a bass, but who doesn't know (or care about) the LABELS.

Using language for domination display can also be seen using this pattern. The more "technical words" a person displays, the more others believe that he or she is experienced and knowledgeable. So, those who crave domination often rack up as many labels and names as possible, not just to FIT IN, but to DOMINATE. When they create this facade of expertise, they then USE IT to compete with a person who intimidates them, who they fear, who they desire domination over. They will try to TRIP THE PERSON UP with technical language. They will try to HUMILIATE the other person IN FRONT of other people with their "greater technical knowledge" (regardless of their actual knowledge), they will try to make the other person GIVE UP, STOP DOING WHAT THEY'RE DOING (like playing bass), BACK DOWN and ACT SUBMISSIVE, and they will try to make the person BELIEVE that they are LESS CAPABLE than they really are.

Those who are trying to use language to dominate are often defensive and hostile, because they are trying to dominate others with no substance; they can't get "caught", because they don't really know nearly as much as they're pretending to.
A REAL expert does not need to try to PROVE their expertise with technical jargon, and in fact, a real expert in a field may not use much jargon at all. They may not even use the technical labels for what they do. Some do, some don't. But a person who is always throwing out "KEY WORDS" is suspect, they may well be trying to create the illusion of expertise in order to DOMINATE, MANIPULATE, or CON others.

Using language for domination displays is CONSTANTLY being used for control and power over others by humans with domination compulsion. Their targets are usually similar to their targets in childhood, such as those who are smaller, or those who they envy, or those who they think they can control.

Language is used all the time in attempts to DIMINISH another person, to HUMILIATE another person, to CAUSE PAIN to another person, to cause ANXIETY in another person, and to CAUSE FEAR in another person.

The reason it is used SO OFTEN by those afflicted with domination compulsion is because it does frequently WORK, and they probably did not receive consequences as children for doing it, nor were they probably taught why it's wrong. All they know is they feel a compulsion to dominate, and they know that using language to fulfill that compulsion often WORKS.

Reacting emotionally to a human who is afflicted with domination compulsion often causes them to get an adrenaline rush, and do it MORE. They are SEEKING a reaction from their target. ANY reaction will do. The thing they don't want is NO reaction. When there is a complete lack of reaction, they will often try HARDER to provoke one, at least until they get bored and go find another target so they can receive their chemical reward from carrying out their compulsion.

It has nothing to do with logic, expertise, or "deserved" respect. When a person is trying to display dominance toward another, they are not behaving with civility or manners, so there is no reason to give them what they are trying to force using primitive, boorish, or manipulative displays. See it for what it is.

Proving Worthiness

You will find peace when you let go of trying to prove your worth. You are worthy now, and worthy enough. When you keep trying to prove that you are more worthy than another, what are you doing to them? Those who feel their own worth have no need or time to prove it, or to display it. They find great joy in helping others to feel their own worth.



M.M.Black

Help You Help Yourself

Turn your emotional reactions into signals for yourself about others.
That sting and heat from insults and put-downs are meant to stop you in your tracks. The dark cloud feeling of someone invading your space or trying to exert power over you is meant to herd you into doing their bidding, or pay attention to them instead of what you're doing.

Next time you feel it, stop what you're doing, stop your thoughts, stay silent, and sit still. Don't respond. Or, leave the room, go to the bathroom, (act like you're using it so they don't come in), but don't respond.
Be still and observe, as if you were doing a scientific observation from a glass bubble.
Don't worry, the sting and the heat feelings will dissipate, they always do.

 >What really just happened?
>What did the other person just say or do, really?
>What were you doing?
>Were you trying to concentrate? Were you doing something in the realm of healthy/normal for a human being? Were you speaking in the realm of healthy/normal for a human being? Were you doing something disrespectful or inconsiderate to someone else?
>Would the other person have said or done the same thing to someone else who they respect very much?
>Would you do or say the same thing, the same way, to someone as the other person just said or did to you?
>What do you think their emotional state was, why would a person say or do that?
>Do they do this often?
>Do others around you or them do this too?
>Have you been accepting this behavior as a regional dialect and mindset, as if that makes it okay?
>Do you do it too, so you accept it when others do it?
>Do you think it's civil, healthy behavior?
>Did it help you accomplish your goal, or did it help to stop you, or set you back, or doubt yourself?

The more you do this, the easier it will be to do it, and the easier it will be to spot behavior patterns that are not helping you achieve your goals, or peace of mind.

What to do with the information once you've observed it~ you don't need to confront the person, especially if you're pretty sure it will exacerbate the behavior. Just take it and write it down privately, share or talk about it with a trusted counselor or friend, but ONLY a trusted person who won't turn it into gossip, or use it against you later. Share it anonymously on a support forum.

Happy Scientific Observing!
And welcome to the nerd squad! :)
I would much rather feel unsettled because I know what's going on around me than be controlled by it because I'm unaware.



M.M.Black

Common Put Downs, Control And Domination

Some common ways controllers/dominators try to manipulate and diminish others with shame signals :

> Commenting on something the target is doing with a condescending tone, trying to make the target doubt themselves or feel silly for doing what they're doing:
"What are you trying to do?" "What is that supposed to be?" "How's that gonna work?" "You know what you're doing?" "Have you ever done that... before?" "Seriously?" "You actually believe in that?" "You're gonna waste your time with that?"

>Making negative statements:
"That doesn't look right" "That isn't coming out like you thought it would" "That looks a little crooked" "That's going to take too long" "That's gonna be too hard" "That's impossible" "It's never gonna work"

>Implying incompetence:
"You look like you need help" "You sure you're gonna be able to do that?" "Why don't you just hire someone?" "I'll get so-and-so to help me with this" "That's easier for someone taller" "That's easier for someone stronger" "Why don't you get so and so to help you with that?"

>Direct insults:
"You don't know what you're doing" "You can't do that" "You don't know what you're talking about" "You're too weak" "You should dye your hair" "You should whiten your teeth" "You need to lose weight" "You need to gain weight" "You think you're so smart" "You need to take lessons" "Don't quit your dayjob" "You're so slow" "You talk too much" "You're so short" "You could use some more on the top" "You're too happy" "You smile too much" "You mope around" "You analyze too much"

>Implied insults/incompetence/lesser status via comparison to others (usually said upon seeing you do something or learning that you do something):
"My brother builds bigger decks than you do and builds houses too" "My cousin is a PROFESSIONAL singer..." "My neighbor is a real writer, he writes for magazine" "You would probably learn a lot from talking to my friend who's a professional photographer" "My friend's son races motorcycles professionally, he's been endorsed by Mountain Dew" "My uncle is a pit mechanic at the Speedway" "My Dad's television is twice that size" "My cousin is a professional model, she's drop-dead gorgeous"

Bullies And Dominators

The desire to dominate others often begins in childhood, but it can come from a number of factors. A little boy who bullies other kids and gets away with it can obviously develop this desire to dominate, since he already gets a charge out of it and does not receive consequences for it. That's a kind of a little "monkey" compulsion that lots of normal kids have, both boys and girls; it's seen in ma...ny other animals, also. Humans are supposed to guide their kids how to interact civilly and respectfully, but sometimes they don't, won't, or can't ~(that boy's parents might be chronically ill or something of that nature; you would think another adult would step in, but people don't do that much anymore mostly due to the Narcissism epidemic, and the fear it creates).

The desire to dominate can also come from the other side of that coin; being a target of bullies, or especially a group of bullies. That could happen at school, in the neighborhood, or unfortunately in the child's own home. Plenty of human beings act like bullies toward one or more children in their family, and this behavior can also occur in group homes and foster homes.

Nearly everyone has experienced or witnessed bullying in childhood, especially in school. Groups of bully boys or bully girls will pick on other kids, targeting for all kinds of reasons, but the common denominator is always the "getting away with it" factor. Bullies target kids who seem weaker than themselves, or "different" in some way, ANY way, and ALSO kids who intimidate them for any reason, kids who they envy, fear, or are jealous of.

There are different "types" of bullies on the outside, like the "thug" kids, or the "jock" kids, or the "rich" kids, or the "street" kids, but on the inside they all have the same thing in common: the desire to display domination.

So, targets of bullies can develop the desire to dominate ALSO. The desire to dominate people who they see as over-confident, stuck-up, or are leaving them OUT. They can often feel very defensive, resentful, and even fearful around anyone who displays bully signals or behaviors. This is understandable, however they, like the bullies, are responsible for their behavior and their emotional and mental health when they reach adulthood. If they don't tend to their own healing, they can suffer for years with the affects. Unfortunately, they may also MISINTERPRET the actions and motivations of others, and believe they see bullying, clique behavior, betrayal and condescension where there is simply healthy self-confidence, open discussion, or healthy camaraderie.

In cases of family, foster family, or group homes where children are bullied within the walls of the home~ how does a child survive living with severe bullies if no one is protecting him or her? The child usually does one of two things~ either make themselves scarce, "invisible", which can be very painful and emotionally damaging, or become someone that the bullies fear (also painful and emotionally damaging, but also can provide a sense of relief, some freedom, and a sense of pride/confidence, albeit incomplete, but more than being invisible).
Lots of kids join groups and gangs to become "one of them", which can seem like a way to NOT be a target (either a target of that same group, or of another group.) To children, the world appears as a closed system. They don't KNOW that there is more to the world beyond what they grew up in, they're CHILDREN. So they have no way to understand that there are a thousand other ways of life out there that would give them happiness, peace, or joy.

Many seem to wonder why such a child would not simply join a sports team if they want to show that they're tough or competent, or get good grades in school. The answer to that is that children who have been bullied and/or abused have been emotionally beaten down, and therefore no longer have the confidence, the mental peace of mind, or the belief in their future that is required to even try out for a team, or improve their grades on their own. This child would NEED a strong caring person to help them heal, and protect them from further bullying and chaos, just like if they had a broken leg or an illness. Many people can only understand what they can physically SEE with their eyeballs, like a broken leg or a kid in a hospital bed, so they can't mentally comprehend why a kid would need someone to protect them and help them heal, or mentor them. These uncomprehending people can also make it difficult or impossible for another adult to step in and help a child to heal and grow.

If a child grows to adulthood without anyone to mentor them who is not part of a bully dynamic or culture, they may not ever even know that there is a whole other way to live. They may only think of people as either "Dominant" or "Submissive", "Leader" or "Follower", "Important" or "Insignificant", and not have any idea that they have only seen a small corner of the picture that makes up reality.

Such an adult will interpret the actions of OTHERS as either "Dominant" or "Submissive". This is why they are so reactive. They feel okay when they feel like they are in control, i.e. when they don't feel like they're being challenged, or left out, or humiliated. They can't simply listen to another point of view, or simply share their own, or discuss both without emotional investment, because they see everything as black or white, either/or, right or wrong, good or bad. If your point of view is different from theirs, you are seen as "wrong", or "stupid", or even "oppositional", or further still, "abusive".
They also usually have a hard time with staying on topic, because they quickly dissolve into trying to dominate the other person in a discussion. They often use condescending or personally insulting language directed at the PERSON, instead of keeping their focus on the actual TOPIC. They are always emotionally reacting to others and what others say, and their focus is on the PEOPLE in the room or in the discussion instead of on the actual matter at hand. It is extremely difficult to resolve any issues or matters of importance with such an adult. It is extremely difficult to have a conversation about anything beyond the current weather.

Dealing with such adults requires compassion, understanding, patience, and healthy, well-maintained boundaries. Sometimes distance is required as well.

Rights, Pacifism, And Complacency

I have seen that a lot of people don't seem to realize that there are people who are obsessed with power OVER other people, who want power OVER EVERYONE, not just over some people, and try with all their might to get that power. I guess they must believe, like I did when I was a youth, that simply living in my own peace would make me somehow invisible to these power mongers, and they would simply leave me alone, and I would still be able to live my life just the way I live it already, saying what I believe, expressing my opinion, or staying quiet, keeping a peaceful life. But then I realized~ just because a butterfly makes no enemies and lives peacefully makes no difference to predators, none whatsoever. Earthworms cause no harm to anyone, and are extremely beneficial, but they are preyed upon constantly. If a predator eats all of the butterflies and all of the earthworms, then there will be no more butterflies or earthworms, and the entire biological system will crash, and the predators will die too. This life is a gift. If I am to honor that gift, then I must honor that it's a gift for everyone else, too. And that means having healthy boundaries, which means standing up for myself against boundary violators, and standing up for the rights and respect of others against violators. Anyone can be a boundary violator. Without awareness and standing up against them, we can become violators ourselves and not even realize it.

How Do Control Freaks Keep Control

How do control freaks stay in control?

Shame is one of the more effective ways. A trigger button that often gets implanted in childhood is shame. (not a literal button, but a mental/emotional button.)
Also connected to that button can be chagrin and embarrassment.

Once this button is "implanted" in a person, it can be pushed by anyone who knows how. That means the guy at the grocery store can push it just as easily as the priest at church. Anyone who uses condescension, "talking down", insulting language, bullying language, controlling language or SIGNALS can push that button.
AND those who are controllers will even have the awareness that you RESPONDED to their control language and signals, and now they know they can push your shame button and control you:

>They can get you to react emotionally.
>They can get you to stop doing what you're doing.
>They can get you to LEAVE a group, a class, a job, even a family.
>They can get you to GIVE UP on your goal.
>They can get you to change your point of view.
>They can get you to make a decision you would not have made.
>They can get you to FOLLOW THEM and CATER TO them.
>They can get you to STOP TALKING, and STOP SHARING YOUR POINT OF VIEW.
>They can make you AVOID DOING all kinds of things (even putting air in your own tires or checking your own oil, or cooking dinner, or going for a walk, or mowing the lawn, or hanging out with a good friend.)
>They can get you to DROP doing what you enjoy doing
>They can get you to BELIEVE you CAN NOT LEARN how to do certain things (like play guitar, make art, go to college, sing, cook, do carpentry, drive a stick shift, etc.)
>They can get you to live your life around THEM.
>They can get you to stop BELIEVING in YOUR OWN life, and in the life of someone else as well.
>They can get you to DESTROY your relationship with another person, even someone you love.

We can dismantle a "Shame Button" only through objective learning and observation of the ways people use shame to control and herd others. Objective means we MUST observe both people we don't like, and people we LIKE and agree with. We must be able to see when it is used against others, whether we like that other person or not.
Remember, it's a button, it's not your rational, conscious thought. Liken it to someone handing you a centipede out of the blue~ your reaction will almost definitely be BEYOND your immediate control, you WILL FLINCH, and you will probably flick it away, and you might even jump and yell and look like a scared rabbit. Even if you LIKE centipedes, you'll STILL probably react like this.
That's how "buttons" and "triggers" work.

(If your shame  button is on hair-trigger, you may feel it being pushed even when people aren't actually pushing it, but just because they remind you of someone who MIGHT push it, or COULD push it, or HAS pushed it in your past, like a woman who looks a little like your aunt, teacher, sister, or ex., or a man who looks or sounds a little like your father, uncle, teacher, or bully kid from school, or bully parent from your neighborhood. Sometimes ONE parent will use shame as a micro-managing weapon on their son or daughter, but the son or daughter sees BOTH parents as "shamers", because it can be very confusing to separate them.)

SOME people have such hair-trigger shame buttons that they feel it all the time, like whenever they hear or see a random woman speak, or see or hear a clergy person. These people often are unaware that the shame button is INSIDE OF THEMSELVES, and can harbor gigantic RESENTMENT toward anyone who they perceive as "causing" them to feel shame. For example they could meet the nicest, kindest person who ever lives, who LIKES them very much, but if this person reminded them in any way of a "shamer" from their past, they might just instantly HATE this person, with no logical thought at all.

The feelings when an adult chastises you in a way that displays disapproval of YOU as a PERSON when they see you doing something "wrong" is shame, and embarrassment usually follows shame, especially when there are others around. Embarrassment can also trigger shame, so you can have a circle of emotions that quickly create a subconscious "button".
There is more than one way to guide and raise a child. Casting shame on a child every time they do something an adult doesn't want them to do is not a requirement for guiding them, but many people do that because it seems to work easily, regardless of how it affects the child.

Shame is painful, and so is embarrassment. Using these as a discipline tool is kind of like using an electric fence, or an electric dog collar. It's only actually effective in a community when it's reserved for serious behavior breaches like bullying, physical assault, or theft. When it's used as a frequent discipline tool, it destroys its effectiveness in the community, and skews the self-confidence and understanding of right and wrong in those it is used on, AND ALSO those who it is purposely NOT used on in the community  (favoritism). (The effects of this can be seen all over the world.)

Children who have this shame button will often, understandably, try to avoid having it pushed. They may put more effort into altering their behavior to avoid being shamed than they do into actually living. The shame button can become the central focus in their lives, and they're often not aware that life could be any other way.
Also, adults who frequently use shame as a way to control a child will often also discipline the child further for not reacting enough to being shamed. So if the child does not cringe enough when the adult admonishes them, that shamer-adult will often become angry and indignant, and punish the child further for their own ego injury. Some of these adults may even physically assault a child for their lack of obvious reaction to their shaming.

"Shame buttons" can also be "implanted" by people BESIDES and APART FROM parents, such as older siblings, older relatives, adults in the community, adults at school, coaches, clergy, even other kids.

And to further this issue, children whose parents DO NOT expose their children to ANY shame for their behavior can become easy targets for "Shamers" outside of the family. Also, without any family exposure to it, a child can react to any feeling of shame from outside the family with severe anxiety, strong resentment, anger, even rage or hatred. 

Growing up this way can obviously cause all kinds of problems for a person. Shame is a normal aspect of human life, but in unhealthy communities, families and individuals who desire control, it is used improperly, or rejected completely as "evil", or RESERVED for so-called "INFERIORS".

Shame used alongside fear is the main tool used in groups and regions where one race or sex is exalted as "superior". 

Pathological avoidance of shame (often developed for survival purposes) can be a main contributor to causing several personality disorders, including narcissism and borderline traits.
Shame is often the main weapon, usually along with abuse, that was used on children who develop borderline personality disorder traits.

In families, communities, and regions where shame is used to control one group of people such as a race or a sex, the one that is exalted as "superior" often develops an entitlement disorder, and a severe pathological avoidance of shame, even to the point of assaulting or murdering others to "prove" their ENTITLEMENT to being EXEMPT from shame.

To summarize, when shame is properly used in a family or community only to deter SERIOUS behavior violations like assault, theft, betrayal and murder, then all members of the family and community are usually much healthier, happier, and wealthier in all ways. When shame is used IMPROPERLY, for micromanaging, oppression and control, the family, community, country, or region can end up with all kinds of problems, from low-esteem, to abusive relationship patterns, to family poverty patterns, crime, to massive regional societal problems, mass oppression, blatant wealth/poverty imbalance, even terrorism.

We can dismantle our "Shame Buttons" if we become adept at recognizing when others try to use shame to control.

If you want to see some easy examples of people trying to use shame as a way to control and dominate others, read comment threads on internet posts and articles. There are thousands of examples. Modern political speech and campaigning are also loaded with control tactics using shame, trying to get people to divide and hate. You can hear and see it in quite a lot of "religious" and "spiritual" groups, ironically, which is the LAST place it should be found. You will always find it where you find racial issues (all racists of all races use it) and where you find sexual inequality and separation, right down to your local public schools (all sexists of both sexes use it).  If you want to see it in action for yourself in your local community, go ask to see the budget for your local High School sports programs; you'll probably get turned away, especially if you're a female, and you'll be treated as if you are ASKING FOR SOMETHING YOU "SHOULD NOT" BE ASKING FOR. If they do give it to you, go ahead and review it, and then DARE mention any disparity between male and female students' budgeting amounts and programs. You will almost certainly be opposed, and shame will almost certainly be used against you in an attempt to make you feel chastised, and go away. 
You can even see it being used just by going to a local store, watch how people give social signals and facial expressions to others, expressing their "superiority" or disdain for others. Listen to how some clerks speak to one customer, and then how they speak to another customer of a different race, age, or sex. It's all about shame, avoidance of shame, resentment about shame, and trying to use shaming to express superiority.

Thank Heaven there are human beings who DON'T use shame as a social weapon, or who desire control. The world has hope as long as they are still among us. 

M.M. Black  

Emotional "Triggers"

More on triggers.

Everyone has "triggers". The more mature we are, the more we are able to accept that.
Some have more, some have less. Anything external can become a trigger, like a hot-button for instant emotional reaction or thought. I see a rowboat or guitar, I see my Dad's face, every time. The emotion that seeing my Dad's face brings is a combination of comfort, warmth, love, and loneliness and sadness. He passed away when I was a child. When I see or hear a motorcycle, either a dirt bike or a street bike, I see my brother's face. That thought brings an emotional reaction of comfort, fun, freedom, and melancholy; he lives far away. When I see a mandolin or a banjo, I instantly see and hear my birth father, which brings a combination of emotions like kinship, camaraderie, inspiration, and also pain, frustration and sadness; he passed away not long ago after a terrible fight with illness.
Some triggers bring fear, some bring resentment, some bring pain. When I see a person acting abusively, male or female, toward another person, I see more than one face I have known. The emotions that the thoughts immediately bring are a combination of anger, frustration, compassion, desire to stop it,  and sometimes fight-or-flight. My awareness of this trigger helps me to recognize the emotions and name them, and take responsibility over my actions.
The emotions from triggers can produce some of the same  chemical cocktails that they would if the situation was current, usually not as strongly, but sometimes just as strongly. Some feel good, some feel bad, some make us feel fatigued, anxious, and some make us feel confident, even arrogant. The brain produces more than 50 identified active "drugs" that include neurotransmitters and hormones including adrenaline, cortisol, dopamine and serotonin.

Some triggers can be so subtle it's nearly impossible to isolate and identify them, and others show themselves obviously.

 I knew a person who was triggered at the sight of two young people walking and talking; he would get a flashback from his youth, from when he walked home from school every day along with some neighborhood bullies. He could not differentiate between the flashbacks and the current situation, so he believed those new people were talking about him and were planning to come after him, every time.

Another person I have known was triggered when she saw a blond-haired woman. She had grown up with an Aunt and a cousin who were blond haired; the Aunt she looked up to and admired, but she was very jealous of the cousin, who's father was very attentive. (This woman's father was absent most of the time, and when he was around, he was dismissive and condescending.) As children, she would retaliate against her cousin out of her envy, and of course the cousin didn't like her because of her behavior toward her, which increased her resentment even more. Unfortunately no adults intervened or helped. 
She seemed to have no awareness of her trigger or where it came from; she simply believed her emotions about any blond haired women she saw or met. And if they smiled broadly or laughed out loud, her face would instantly turn "dark", and she would recoil as if they had bitten her, and become angry with them. She would spread rumors about them as well, trying to get others to turn against them. Any blond friends she made would eventually get devalued by her, and get treated with less and less respect, regardless of how kind they were to her; in fact kindness from them seemed to trigger her even more.

A picture can be a trigger, the sound of someone's voice, a TV show, the way someone's hair looks, the way another person holds themselves, the fragrances or odors in the air, objects or animals in the environment, situations and circumstances. When we notice that we automatically LIKE or RESENT certain people before we even get to know them, we are not dealing with facts about the person, we are dealing with our own internal triggers.

"She's pretty, so she's stuck-up and she thinks she's better than me"  is a FAR cry from a realistic assessment of another human being. She's pretty TO ME, my brother might think she's weird-looking~ SHE might not think she's "pretty" either, and regardless of her looks, I have zero way of knowing anything about her actual personality. (If I really think I can assess her that quickly, that thoroughly, that superficially, I need to take some classes in deductive reasoning and some serious humility training.) My instant assessment of her is really a trigger; when I was younger there were a group of older girls in my neighborhood who were dark-haired and mean-spirited, they would bully my friends and I every time they saw us, and on top of that, the older boys in the neighborhood that used to be our friends would not stand up to them because they wanted to date them. Trigger in the making. After that, I have of course met many dark-haired women that behaved in a similar manner, which solidified this trigger~ the factor that this trigger IGNORED was that NOT all dark-haired pretty women fit this behavior. The trigger only paid attention to the ones that DID fit, in order to confirm itself. It's a false assumption. In reality, there are people who behave that way from every race, with every hair color, and both sexes. But the trigger ignores all of that information and ONLY recognizes those who look or sound like those certain humans from the neighborhood, and ignores any information to the contrary.  

A simpler, common example can be seen with people who are afraid of dogs. It's usually CERTAIN breeds of dogs, like German Shepherds. Mike has been afraid of all German Shepherds ever since he was bitten by his uncle's dog, which was a German Shepherd. He does not assess each dog he meets as an individual, he simply SEES a German Shepherd, and FEELS fear.

To take that a step further, Mike's brother Scott was also bitten, and has the same fear trigger of German Shepherds. However, Scott is embarrassed by his fear, so he also resents German Shepherds. Scott is not as aware of his own triggers as Mike, and believes that each German Shepherd he meets is CAUSING him to feel fear, embarrassment, and shame, and he believes that each one actually means him harm, personally.

Becoming aware of our triggers, and of others having triggers, can help facilitate healing and peace in our lives and relationships.

Balancing The Scales Of Anger

It can feel totally unfair and not "right", but we come to a realization at some point that we need to balance the scales.

On the one side we have anger and indignation, even rage at the way we've been treated, which is all completely valid and belongs to us legitimately. Those bricks are heavy, and we can keep piling them on till the sun goes down, and every one of them is valid and true. No reason to take them off the scale, they're real, they've been earned.

http://store.tarotsmith.com/

On the other side of the scale we have the light, airy feathers of peace, forgiveness, love and healing, which can seem insignificant and even silly because they seem to weigh hardly anything. The bricks of anger must be more important, because they weigh so much more. We can feel them in our hand, we can feel gravity with them. The soft feathers of peace and healing are so light, we can barely feel them, they don't seem to make a dent even if we throw them as hard as we can.

How does one balance a scale without removing the heavier weight on one side? The other side needs to be filled up. A pound of feathers weighs the same as a pound of sand. How many grains of sand do we need to make a pound? Probably many more than we would need to make a pound of feathers. If every moment of stress makes a grain of sand, and we've piled up that much sand to make that many bricks that weigh a ton WITHOUT EVEN TRYING, then what would happen if we TRIED to make the feathers of peace and healing, how much faster would the process go?

Can we make more anger-bricks at the same time we are making healing peace feathers? Probably, since we don't really have to try to make the sand and the bricks. But if we're not making feathers, we're still going to be making those bricks; we have HELP making those bricks. Certain others will make them FOR us if we let them. How much help do we have making the feathers? We have to put some effort into making them, and looking for easier ways to make them, and looking for people who can help us make them.

We can balance the scales if we put our minds and hearts to it,  if we put our focus on and embrace making feathers, and if we figure out and remember who we know that likes to make bricks, and who likes to make feathers. ♥ 


M.M.Black

Winners And Losers, Judgment And Shame

When judgment, blame and shame is used against others as a weapon, it's really kind of silly. Show me any human being, any human at all, and we can pick out enough "flaws" to label them a "loser". Easy as shooting fish in a barrel. Anyone of us can be labeled a "loser" right this second, by someone who wants to label us that way, as we sit here (or stand here, or read this at our desk, or on our smart phone, or on the billboard at Times Square, or in an email from the President, or printed and hung on a bulletin board in prison, or at Harvard,  or from the U.N. conference room, or at the Vatican.) Anyone can pick a random human being out of a crowd and list "reasons" why that person is a "loser", but those "reasons" are really just excuses to call someone a "loser".

She doesn't wear makeup so she's a loser, she wears too much makeup so she's a loser, she wears the wrong shade.
>His pants are too loose so he's a loser, his pants are too tight, his pants are too expensive, his pants are torn, his pants aren't in style.. his pants ARE in style...so he's a loser?
>He works at a desk job, so he's a loser. She works in a factory, so she's a loser. He's a stuck-up executive, so he's a loser... she's a high profile actress, she must be stuck-up, so she's a loser...
>She drives an old pickup truck, must be a loser... He drives a little car, has to be a loser...
>She doesn't dye her hair, loser... She dyes it the "wrong" color, loser...She has it cut too short, she wears it too long, she styles it "wrong"...His hair is too long, his hair is too styled, his hair is too short, loser...
>He is working on a novel, must be a loser... he doesn't know how to fix things, must be a loser... he's nothing but a carpenter, loser...he's an accountant, must be a loser...
>She's poor, must be a loser...she's rich, must be a spoiled loser...
>He's ugly, must be a loser... She's very pretty, must be a loser...
>He's short, she's blond, he's light skinned, she's dark skinned, he's from California, she's from Iran, he's Catholic, she's Buddhist, he wears sneakers, she wears workboots... loser, loser, loser!! (?)
>He smokes cigarettes...she does NOT! But... she drinks wine, he does NOT! She plays poker, he couldn't POSSIBLY! He smokes marijuana~ She doesn't... HE thinks SHE is a loser because she doesn't.
>She's good at fixing cars, that makes her a loser? He's an excellent cook, that makes him a loser?

She didn't finish college so she's a loser?
Well, she didn't finish because she didn't see how a person can put their heart into taking care of a family at the same time as putting their heart into their education.
She didn't finish because she was waiting for her husband to finish first.
She didn't finish because she was laid off and her bills piled up, and she put all of her effort into paying them off.
She didn't finish because she was attacked by another human, and the trauma caused her to develop anxiety, so she could not bring herself to go to class with all those people, and no one would help her through it.
She didn't go to college in the first place because she quit high school to help her parents take care of her younger siblings.
She didn't go to college because her family told her it was too expensive.

So, who's the "loser"? The person who didn't finish college because she was dealing with other important things, or the person who's looking down their nose at her, completely disregarding reality? How about the people who didn't help her when she needed it? Maybe they are the real losers.
How about if we EJECT that word and that judgment habit altogether? Then no one gets that "loser" label!
If we were able to finish college, that was a blessing we can feel genuinely grateful for, instead of haughty about.
If we chose not to go or finish because we were taking care of other things, then we can feel grateful that we had the freedom to make that choice, and be genuinely happy for those who did finish.

Anyone and everyone has plenty of things "WRONG" with them, with their thinking, their assumptions, and the decisions they make. When we believe that we are some kind of superior creature, we are deluding ourselves, and we create a negative vibration that doesn't have to be there.

We could simply let go of this compulsion to judge, label, and look for excuses to call others inferior, so we can feel superior to them. We could let go of our desire to condescend and belittle. We could remember that we are all the same species, and practice accepting that we really know hardly anything about other people at all, even those we think we know.  

When our boundaries are healthy and strong, we feel safe and secure in our skin, and have no need to put ourselves above anyone else, or look for reasons why any other human should be put "below" us. Our insecurity and fear is what drives us to desire a feeling of superiority over another human being. When we truly feel secure with ourselves, we simply do not desire any such thing.

Healing From Trauma And Abuse

Healing is the most important thing we can do for ourselves when we have been through or are dealing with crisis, trauma, prolonged stress, and abuse.
Healing is even more important than understanding intellectually what's going on around us; we can figure things out as we go, and it will aid us tremendously in our recovery and in our future. However our main course of action must be, first and foremost, healing.

Recovering our health: emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

If you believe that stress from crisis, trauma, stress and abuse does not affect your body, your entire system, and your life span, think again. We are a living organism, and everything we think, feel and do is connected biologically and chemically. The chemicals that we produce when we are angry, strained, and trying to deal with stressful issues and people can cause a host of problems when they keep getting produced, get produced too much, and don't get flushed out. If we are always "on", they are constantly being produced. They are supposed to give a temporary "nudge", they're not meant for frequent production. Healing our bodies means healing our minds, hearts and spirits.

I've listed things that can help even when you're feeling like you don't want to get out of bed, are too exhausted to do laundry, or face more stress. You can find things yourself, of course, but this is a list you can use to get on the path to healing.

First of all, you need a sanctuary. Some place where you can go, where you feel safe. A place where you feel protected and genuinely safe. You can use any place for this, as long as it's clean and warm enough, and secure.The library, a church, a coffee shop, a bookstore, a room. Some place where you feel safe.
A sacred space, just for you. When you are in this space, remember your sacred spirit.

Play repetitive games or do repetitive mental puzzles. Believe it or not, studies have shown that playing the video game Tetris can alleviate signs and affects of PTSD if played soon after a traumatic incident. Bullying and abuse count as traumatic incidents. Since Tetris can help directly after trauma, I posit that it would help later as well. Think "smoothing my brain waves". Other repetitive tasks and games that are calmly played are often helpful to alleviate stress and calm anxiety. Lumosity is a website that purposely "retrains your brain", it's free to try it.
      Cool site I found :  http://www.freetetris.org/game.php

Watching "wholesome" movies can have a soothing effect on the brain. Television show series that are interesting, light hearted, show good relationships, and have a good message can be very helpful as well. We want low-stress and high entertainment value. Join Netflix or Hulu (regular Hulu is free). I don't know if there's any other sites like that currently. Shows I would recommend because they meet my personal healing criteria include: "Surface", "Dinotopia", "Kyle XY", "Star Trek: Next Generation", and "Merlin". Movies like "Hugo", "Time Bandits", "Tangled", "The Color of Magic", "Matilda", or older ones you enjoyed in your youth.  
>The goal is to let your brain rest and be soothed by a pleasant experience, undisturbed. Watch several in a row if you feel like it.

You have to eat. If you find your diet is erratic or depleted, get yourself protein or nutrition drinks, (not the same as energy drinks) and easy munchables like nuts, trail mix, granola bars, things that are easy and cheap but that have nutrition value. It's very, very important. Drink a protein/nutrition drink whenever you think of it. Like Ensure, Boost, or Slimfast, something you like. Have trail mix around and graze whenever you feel like it.

Music, Music, Music. Calming, soothing songs and tones are very helpful to facilitate short term and long term healing. Anger is a gift, and so is Peace. They must balance one another.

Paul Simon http://youtu.be/-IwYQ1Vqf_4   

Sarah McLachlan http://youtu.be/Hx4RsCfL_fA

Brahms

Meditation http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvXL-YLRq60

Ocean

Express yourself! 
Write! Paint, draw, play your instrument, build things, sing, cook, take pictures, make things!
MAKE THINGS!
Here are some of my poems, I don't mind if you love them or hate them, or don't care about them, what matters most is that I had the opportunity to MAKE THEM!
Click to see M's Poetry

Observe what's going on around you. Who are the players, what are they doing? Click here for suggestion on how to observe more objectively:   Help You Help Yourself
Nature is free, and important. Remember that trees, plants and animals are living beings, and have no agenda. You can love every tree, flower, bird, and animal you see, and they will never judge you or talk about you. They just are, and they are truly alive, so your feelings for them are always real. The stars are always beautiful, and so is the ocean, and the lakes, and the rivers and waterfalls, and the sunrise, and the sunset. They are all still here, just like they always were, and they are all here for you, every day, all day long.

Connect carefully with human beings. Your boundaries need to heal. We don't owe it to other people to let them into our sacred space or past our boundaries. You don't need to connect with all kinds of people. This is your time to be protective of yourself, like you would protect someone else who is healing. Like you would protect your child. Do connect, however do so cautiously and carefully, and with distance and time. It is time to keep others at arm's length. True friends are few and far between, and will understand. Those who don't will fade away, and that's okay.
"Setting Personal Boundaries"

Counseling methods such as talk therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy can all be very helpful. It is good to have a neutral person with whom we can communicate openly, who can help guide us in our recovery. Counselors are human beings too, so they are still to be connected with carefully, with our boundaries in mind.
Click to learn about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Click to learn about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Remember your sacred life. Pray, rest, eat, and pray some more. Get lots of sleep. Go to church and sit in the back. Walk in the Library. Drink Herbal Tea. Go sit by water and just watch.

Take warm soaking bubble baths and/or showers as much as possible. Calgon, take me away, but really, do that. Take it as real healing. Adding Epsom salt to the water is supposed to enhance spiritual healing and cleansing. Adding bubbles to the water makes it excellent.

Healing methods such as Theta Healing and Reiki can be very helpful. Both are energy healing approaches that are administered by certified practitioners. When properly administered, both Theta and Reiki can produce unexpected and amazing results in healing. Belief that they work or that they're real doesn't seem to be a requirement, and just the human caring attention alone is proven to have profound healing properties.  Healing practitioners are, like counselors, also human beings, so they are also still to be connected with carefully, with our boundaries in mind. Theta and Reiki can be practiced at a distance as well as in person.
Click to learn about Reiki  
Click to learn about Theta Healing 

Ho'oponopono is a Hawaiian art of healing. Read about it here : Dr. Hew Len  and here


Here are some more links and names that I would personally recommend to review for your path of healing. You will find your own path and what works best for you. Keep believing in yourself, keep walking, keep believing, keep reaching out, and know that you are not alone.

Lisa Concidine is my favorite Theta Healing Practitioner, and a solid, grounded person at
 (425) 314-4051
http://www.instanthealingnow.net/team-view/lisa-concidin/ 


Wonderful, grounded Reiki Practitioners who I know and would recommend personally for hands on or Distance Healing:


Cynthia Chase is an experienced Reiki Master and also a licensed therapist: Cynthia Chase

Georgia Slesinger counsels with several forms of healing: Georgia Slesinger

Cyndi Joy Lee is an experienced energy healer and Reiki Master, and also a songwriter and musician: Cyndi Joy Lee 250-215-9756

Edie Britt is an experienced Reiki healer at Woven Woman 

Energy Readings With Michele  You can receive an energy reading from Michele, it can help open up understanding and connect some of the pieces of your puzzle.

Links to learn about trauma and abuse, and find more healing, and places to connect and share:

Kim and Steve Cooper

Melanie Tonia Evans

http://www.psychforums.com/

After Narcissistic Abuse There Is Light And Love (facebook forum)

LeAnn Tavares  http://theunwrittenlotus.blogspot.com/2013/04/anxiety.html

Ho'oponopono