Narcissism flag: Negative reaction to another person's noticeable level of talent, skill, intelligence, natural attractiveness, knowledge, caring/empathy, or "sunny" disposition. ~ The person does not have to be MORE attractive, talented, or intelligent, etc, just enough for the Narcissist to take notice and feel threatened, like they're worried that someone ELSE is going to notice the person, and Heaven forbid, LIKE them, or recognize their ability.
Time and again I find it so strange that so many who champion "equality" for races and ancestries, even making careers out of their cause, making lots of money and garnering recognition and prestige, will simply shrug or slam the door shut when someone brings up sexism and gender bias.
You don't even have to indicate which bias you're talking about, they just can't stand the subject, PERIOD.
If they do start talking, it's usually defensive or hostile, which is always a clear indication that it's something personal to them, something they're attached to.
I have yet to see anyone who is always up in arms about racial equality, or human rights regarding poverty and wealth, put their energy, their mouth, their time, or their money into championing genuine equality and respect in regard to gender, and certainly not for any woman of a different RACE than their own.
Integrity, equality, and genuine respect is DEVOID of superiority, hatred, and desire to dominate or be served. Those who want REAL equality want it for every single human on the planet, and they want it FULLY for each person. They don't want MORE rights and privileges for themselves, and they don't want to TAKE AWAY rights and privileges from someone else.
If they see a black man getting treated with disrespect just because he's black, and it infuriates them, then WHY don't they feel the same fury when they see a black WOMAN getting treated with disrespect by a black man, just because she's a woman?
Why do those who are making a good living defending the "equal rights" of one group IGNORE the rights of other groups who get stomped on? Why do they make a HUGE DEAL about smaller injustices and unfairness to certain people, but seem oblivious to huge injustices against others? Sometimes even trying to JUSTIFY blatant disrespect, horrific abuse, criminal behavior, and obvious bigotry that others have dealt with or are going through?
Because, it's not about genuine equality. It's about equal PRIVILEGE and superiority.
"I want what he has... I don't want YOU to have it, I just want it for myself and those who are just like ME. And what he has includes being superior to YOU..."
Many will do a similar thing when it comes to anyone dealing with blatant unfairness and injustice who is from a different "race", a different ancestry, a different financial status, even a different hair color or skin tone. Equality and integrity do not change according to our personal prejudices and ego issues, or our resentment issues; they remain the SAME for ALL human beings, or they don't exist at all. We are NOT "championing" any kind of "equality" or "human rights" unless we fully include BOTH SEXES, and every human no matter what their skin, hair, eyes, face, or body looks like. You aren't championing "equal rights" as a principle when you're only fighting for people who are virtually clones of you.
The
skewed and/or absent feedback from narcissistic friends, family
members, and partners can cause serious anxiety and depression,
especially when one cares deeply for the other person. Skewed
feedback can come in the form of criticism and insults; for example a
person who completes a painting, and the "feedback" they receive from
their so-called friend is critical and insulting.
It can come
in the form of pretending, such as pretending a person is not capable
of, experienced in, or knowledgeable about certain things that they
actually are. For example when a family member is an obviously
experienced animal caregiver, but other family members pay a kennel
instead of asking them to watch their pets while they go on vacation.
(Completely different from "not wanting to burden someone", especially
since they often make other demands on the person, and rarely give any
indication of "respecting their space" any other time.)
It can
come in the form of passive-aggressive advice-giving, which is meant to
purposely give the message "You don't know what you're doing or talking
about, you're not that bright, you're just a novice and a beginner", such as giving basic cooking advice to
an experienced cook, or giving basic photography instruction to an
experienced photographer, or explaining how to change automotive oil and
why it's important to a person who is in the process of changing their
oil. Explaining what frets are to a person who plays guitar. Explaining
'what it's like' to be a writer to a person who is a writer. Giving detailed advice and instruction about repairing a hole in a wall to a professional contractor.
It
can come in the form of "giving help", which is often used as a
domination weapon, implying that the "helper" is far and away more
capable, more stable, and/or physically stronger than the other person,
and that the other person CAN'T do the task without assistance.
Absent feedback is when they simply act as if the person is invisible, or that nothing the person does is visible.
They may keep talking and behaving normally, as if nothing is happening when a person is in obvious distress.
They may behave as if nothing at all happened, directly after the person just suffered a tragedy, a serious violation against them, an injury, a serious illness, or some kind of major difficulty. They may completely ignore a person's presence. They may totally refrain from acknowledging a person's accomplishments and milestones. They may ignore invitations from this person.
They will often not invite this person to celebrations or gatherings,
as if the person is not a "real" member of their group/family, or a
"real" person. They often behave the same way toward the person's children. They may simply ignore communications from the other person.
They will usually completely deny and mentally "delete" their own behavior toward the person, and use the person's reactions as "justification" for continued disrespectful treatment, such as:
Because they have left the person out of normal family or friend events and celebrations, the person no longer tries to keep in contact with them, and has stopped trying. So they will say that the "reason" they don't invite the person to anything is because the person doesn't seem to "care about them", because they don't keep in contact or show up to any events. They simply delete the reality that they have been treating the person like a non-member of the family and THAT'S why the person stopped trying to keep contact with them. As far as they're concerned, they have accomplished their goal of ostracizing the person they had been targeting all along.
This is all literally an attempt to either make the person "smaller" in
their life, or themselves "bigger"/"more important" than the other person. It's often motivated by either envy, fear (either of the
person, or fear of someone who doesn't like the person), or a serious
supremacy complex.
During
childhood, we develop a "feeling" of who is who, and this feeling stays
with us. We choose early which kind of people are leaders, and which
kind of people are care-givers. Some of us also think of certain kinds
of people as smarter, as dumber, as "expert" and more capable, and as
"ignorant" and less capable. What we decide in our youths, we
internalize and believe as the "way the world re...ally is".
We don't remember anything about the process, because we were kids.
So we don't remember the teachers letting certain girls make fun of the
boys in first grade, and that our young minds decided that "girls are
mean and don't get in trouble for it". We don't remember that
certain boys bullied the girls every day in second grade, and our young
minds decided that "boys are bullies and don't get in trouble for it".
We don't connect that time in third grade when three brothers ambushed
us and beat us up to the way we give "extra respect" to men who act
"tough". (We think it's respect, but it's really fear from a suppressed
memory.) We don't remember that some adults around us were always
making racial slurs, or putting those of a different color down, and
that's the reason we see those of a different race in a negative light.
We don't remember adults separating children by gender, and we don't
connect the adults making insulting remarks about one sex or the other
with our own prejudices. We don't remember that everyone listened
whenever one person spoke, but ignored, argued, or rudely interrupted
whenever another person spoke, which shaped our perception of "who to
listen to" and "who to ignore". We forgot about how when one person
made jokes, everyone giggled and laughed, even if it wasn't funny or
they didn't get it, just to fit in and be accepted as one of the gang.
We don't connect that this imprinted in our subconscious "Who Is Allowed
To Be Funny". We don't remember that adults PURPOSELY taught
certain kids how to do certain things, and didn't ALLOW other kids to
participate in learning, doing, or practicing those things. We end up
believing that some people are NATURALLY capable of this or that, and
NATURALLY INCAPABLE of this or that, instead of remembering that it was
all ORCHESTRATED.
We even think we ourselves are incapable of many things because of our childhood experiences and "training".
This is how conditioning works. Some of it is done on purpose, some of
it is done inadvertently because of the conditioning that older people
already went through. All of it could be healed if people wanted to heal
it, but many want to stay in their illusion because they're used to it,
or because they see it as giving them power. What it really does is
cripples the human spirit, halting true progress and peace.
Most
people are ten times more likely to reject another person because of
"personality conflict" than because of actual wrong-doing. Humans will
single out another person who simply doesn't "rub them the right way",
but who is actually trustworthy, honest, straightforward and kind.
However they will keep connections with another person who compliments
their ego and is "easy to get along with" (for
them), regardless of what they actually DO. Basically, most humans will
keep their connections with backstabbers, liars, criminals,
manipulators, abusers, and control freaks, as long as they don't do
anything that feels like it pokes at their OWN ego, or as long as they
do all those things to someone ELSE (even in their own family or
friendship circle). But they'll reject (and often even slander) an
honest person with strong values in a heartbeat the moment they don't go
along with them. WHY? Because of their perceived threat to their
ego and agenda. An honest person with strong values might see through
all the smoke and mirrors.
First they trash her because she's a child-idol (oh what a great reason to trash someone)... then they trash her because "she only made it because of her father"... now they trash her because of her performance with the "twerking" and Robin Thicke, and she had black back up singers. So...wait, let me get this straight: Miley Cyrus apparently controls Robin Thicke, no other humans were involved in her wardrobe or choreography, and she also made those women be her background back up singers against their will, probably didn't even pay them... in fact, she probably orchestrated the entire show and threatened Robin Thicke to force him to participate. Heck she's probably not even a HUMAN! No REAL human has blue eyes like that, and a body like that... She's one of those robots that aliens sent here, like Lady Gaga, Christina Aguilera, and Brittany Spears, isn't she?! Adele isn't one, because no one made her dance (I mean... she didn't MAKE ANYONE LET HER dance.) But that doesn't explain why Taylor Swift gets unnecessary negativity... Oh wait... or could it be... nahh, it couldn't. Humans aren't petty, envious, self-righteous, prejudice, or hateful! I mean they would NEVER judge one person MORE than they judge another, just because of their ancestry, gender, or their body type! Would they??? It COULDN'T be because they're all thin, white, and blondish, could it? NO! And definitely not because they're female... Everyone treats thin, young blonde women like "one of the guys", no one EVER trashes them, leaves them out of their cliques, makes fun of them, singles them out, or tries to turn people against them. Ever! They never, ever walk into a room and get whispered about by total strangers, or sneered at right to their face, or stepped in front of on purpose, or bumped into just to show little hissy "monkey dominance", no one EVER treats them like their automatically spoiled brats solely based on the way they look! EVER!
Everything that happens to them is ALWAYS their fault! Their fault, their fault, THEIR FAULT! No one else's... that poor, poor Robin Thicke... I wonder what she put him through... we should all feel pity for the poor boy, and for those poor back up singers too... it's not like they EARNED those spots or anything, it's not like they WANTED to sing back-up on a National Stage and get their hard-earned vocals HEARD. Nope, it's all Miley's fault, let's focus just on trashing her, isn't that what life's all about?
Oh and one more thing... speaking on behalf of female humans, you don't get to complain about "racial unfairness", using it as some kind of catapult for your career, if your REALITY is sexism and racial prejudice. If you don't have true respect and equality in your head and heart, and you're treating some people like they're lower than you when you think no one else can hear you, then SHUT UP. Get off the stage. There's not even any such thing as "race", look it up (in the SCIENCE journals). Anyone who really wants peace and equality doesn't DIVIDE people just so they can drum up business for themselves. (Oh it's all show biz, isn't it?! So it's show biz when YOU'RE doing it, but not when MILEY is doing it... riiiiight...) Supporting the back-up singers would have a lot more talk about THEM as SINGERS in it, with some dignity, and they deserve it.
Everyone is "so disgusted" with that performance... So, what exactly has everyone been watching and listening to all these years? Mr. Rogers? Yep. So which HBO show is your favorite...? No HBO? Which reality show, which soap opera, which porn site, which rap song, rock song, dance song, strip club, Hooter's, etc, etcetera, ETCETERA, AD NAUSEUM. You gotta be kidding me. Hypocrisy at its most ridiculous. I've been disgusted for years. I just don't pick and choose ONLY CERTAIN PEOPLE to be "disgusted" by, and just ignore what people I PERSONALLY LIKE are doing, and pretend they're pure as the Driven Snow...
Why do they call it "Malignant Narcissism"? Watch "The Crucible" Read history. Pay closer attention to how and why people listen to one person but not another, how they treat one person better than another. Read about Hitler and his buddies. Read about Genghis Khan. Pay closer attention to the news. Read about Charles Manson and Jim Jones. Pay closer attention to the contradictions in what Politicians say, and what they do. Watch "The Sopranos" Watch "Survivor"
Read about Jesus Christ.
Read about Hypatia. Make the connections, match the similarities, see the patterns. Be careful about knee-jerk-defending everything you like and identify with, and look at it more objectively. Read the actual lyrics of the songs that you've been listening to your whole life. Look how easily people will turn on one another in order to follow someone they don't even know, like a politician, or a religious leader, or an anti-religious leader. Look how easily people will turn on their friends and family or scapegoat one of them in order to feel superior, or to gain or keep something else for themselves, whether material or otherwise. Look how easily people will turn on one another, period. Pay closer attention to how so many just go along with negative implications, slander, and malicious rumors about others, but rarely stand up for others being targeted, nor seek any facts out for themselves. Read or watch "Snow White" and "Cinderella". Watch and hear what people do and say when someone brings up the subject. Pay attention to how easily people will condemn others, and how often they will try to turn others completely against another person.
Pay closer attention, period. It can happen to anyone, at any time, for no reason at all except something gone sideways in a "Narcissist"'s head.
Awareness and genuine maturity are the only effective "weapons" against it; without those, we are sitting ducks. Most people don't take it seriously because they don't want to face the uncomfortable reality, so they make fun of it, or pretend it's not "really real", or that it happens "somewhere else", and that's exactly why it has repeated itself throughout history, and will keep repeating as long as humans keep hiding themselves from themselves.
Judgment
and name-calling is usually really just deflection and projection. The
person who's afraid to be judged as a "loser" is the one who goes around
calling other people "losers", the person who's afraid he or she is
going to be called a "slut" goes around calling other people "whore".
The person who's always trying to get out of work, who wants to be rich
so he or she can sit on the beach all
day or play with his/her toys is the one going around calling other
people "lazy" and "shiftless". The person who secretly wants to be
included in the "popular" or "rich crowd" is the one going around
calling everyone who seems well-off or confident "stuck-up". The person
who wants to be known as an "Intellectual" and is worried they fall
short is the one calling anyone who seems intelligent "crazy" or
"stupid". The person who desires control and power is the one who
accuses anyone who doesn't put up with their BULLYING of being a control
freak. The person who wants to be seen as a Great Artist or a Great
Musician but is worried that they don't really have what it takes is the
one going around calling other artists and musicians "incompetent" or
"lame". The one who is secretly worried that they're the one who's crazy
is the one going around calling other people (or a target person)
crazy. The person who's fixated on worrying that they're going to be
seen as physically weak is the one who is always trying to prove that
someone else is physically weaker than they are. The person who's trying
to prove their own competence and intelligence because they're afraid
of being out-shined is the one who parades their degrees and
certificates as "proof" of their intelligence, and tries to diminish
anyone who doesn't possess the same certification. Etc. Where
this comes from is often the environment the person has been living in,
or was raised in; either family members, or the community, or both. A
child who is exposed all the time to adults who do this judging,
deflecting and projecting is of course going to be affected in some way,
usually involving self-doubt, and fear of being the one who's being
"judged" and "shamed". The child learns that whoever is not on the
"right side" of these adults is a walking target. And that can change at
a moment's notice, all it takes is for one of them to feel slightly
envious or intimidated, or even a slight ego-boost, and they're off to
the Gossip Races. So the child, in their seeking ways to survive,
may pick up the same habit of DEFLECTION and PROJECTION. When they feel
like they've done something that could make them a target of gossip,
like being late for work habitually, for example, the shame they feel
acts as a trigger for deflection, and so they look for someone else to
POINT AT, so everyone looks at that other person and not them. My
personal favorite that I've heard many times here in New England, where
we have 2 large casinos and a few smaller ones, is when a person will go
on and on about how they don't gamble, how they're not "one of those
gambler people", how they stay away from "those places", but then they
follow it with: "But give me a (insert illegal drug here) any day!"
They KNOW, subconsciously, that they are pointing at other people and
grouping them together as "bad" in order to deflect that judgment that
they feel about THEMSELVES, otherwise they wouldn't have connected the
two. That's how they are able to rationalize doing illegal drugs~ "Look
at THOSE people, they're "bad", I'm not one of them... therefore
whatever I do is innocent". The other thing the same people will do
is talk about how they do one drug but NOT this OTHER drug.. because
only "bad" people do that other drug. You can find examples of this
deflection/projection habit all over the place in regions where people
FEAR (consciously or unconsciously) that they're going to be the next
one JUDGED and SHAMED, and therefore REJECTED, SLANDERED, and/or
OSTRACIZED. (In some even more severely dysfunctional groups, even
physically attacked or killed). The effect is exponential; the more
people there are who do it, the more people there are who learn to do it
out of self-preservation, and then it becomes a behavioral habit just
like the others. The effects of it on the community are very
far-reaching and damaging. Entire societies have been decimated as a
result of this behavior becoming "normalized". The only way to stop
the cycle is for individuals to simply stop doing it, and teach their
children not to participate in this behavior, and why it's wrong.
Unfortunately few are strong enough to endure the difficulty that comes
with standing on one's own feet in a community that is constantly
throwing stones; one must endure getting stones thrown at them and not
throw any back, so the dysfunction just continues until the entire
community dissolves in a cesspool of corruption, hostility, and crime.
There are many stories, parables, fables, films, and even Twilight Zone
and Outer Limits episodes illustrating this very well, but very few
seem to grasp the message.
One
of the positive things the Media and Social Media has accomplished is waking so many
people up to the fact that they're not insignificant peasants without a
voice and without personal power. One of the negative things the Media
has accomplished is also waking people up to this fact, because it turns
out that quite a lot of people were treating others with civility
because they thought they "HAD TO" or some giant
shame fist would pound them from the sky. Now that they feel
"empowered", they have no "reason" to be respectful toward others,
because they found out they have nothing to fear. Most only treat those
with "respect" who they think might punch them out if they don't, or
those who they want attention and approval from. So instead of adding
goodness to the world, they're increasing the lowest common denominator.
Forms of Sabotage And Domination
Some common subtle and obvious forms of sabotage and domination displays*:
> frequently interrupting a person while they're working, practicing, or concentrating on something.
> frequently interrupting a person and pulling them away from what they're doing for any number of "reasons"
> inserting one's self into a task or project a target person is working on, without being asked, either physically or verbally
> trying to take over another person's project or task; trying to insert one's self as "Leader" in another person's project or task; trying to "direct" another person's project or task from the sidelines
> playing up the experience, talent, and ability of someone ELSE in order to diminish and dismiss the experience, talent, and ability of a target person, in both group settings and one on one; playing up the physical strength and/or "toughness" of someone ELSE in order to diminish and dismiss both in a target person
> inviting a target to be part of a project, but then treating them as if they aren't a "real member" of the team, or aren't really wanted or welcome, and aren't worthy of common respect
> making remarks that imply "flaws" about a target person, either physical, mental, or emotional, in order to diminish them and elevate themselves, often in front of others
(this is usually done by making up "flaws" where none actually exist, for instance turning a person's slenderness into a "flaw", or their freckles, or their larger or smaller height or build, or their teeth, their hair, even their higher level of talent or skill)
> purposely doling out to a target person smaller versions and portions of food, supplies, resources, and tools than themselves or others
> frequently interrupting target person's concentration by making noises, moving things around, playing music, making louder than necessary noises while working nearby, and talking loudly near a target's work space
> every time a target goes to do something, a request or demand is made of them
> every time a target is getting ready for something, such as going to work, getting ready for a class, or going to a social event, they are bombarded with suggestions, corrections, or warnings
(key word is "bombarded", key phrase "every time"; giving the occasional suggestion or warning, or telling them they missed a button or forget their wallet or that there's a stain on their shirt when they're going somewhere important is healthy and normal relating. When it's done more than absolutely necessary, it becomes "infantalizing"; treating a person like they're incompetent in order to gain/keep power over them, and can cause serious problems for the person)
> frequently denying and/or diminishing ideas, requests, or plans that a target makes; agreeing to ideas, requests, or plans, and then canceling, changing them, or simply not showing up, with no remorse
> making requests of another person for assistance or a job and then blowing them off or hiring someone else without saying anything
> purposely hiring someone else for something in order to diminish and dismiss the skill, experience, or talent of a target person
> using another person's work for one's own project but withholding recognition, credit, or payment; claiming it as one's own
> purposely asking the advice, expertise, and assistance of someone other than the target person, and NOT the target person, especially about things that the target is skilled and experienced in, while the target is present
> denying simple and reasonable requests made by a target; acting as if the target's appropriate requests are huge burdens and very unreasonable
> making a large number of requests for assistance, often so many that the target is kept from getting his or her own tasks done; demanding more and more of the target's time so they can't get any of their own needs, goals or desires met that don't serve the other (Controller) person
> making louder than necessary noises when it is known that others are sleeping, resting, or doing something that requires a quiet atmosphere
> physically stepping in front of another person; stepping between two people in order to redirect the attention of one of them away from the other and onto one's self
> actually answering the question asked of another person, and interrupting/talking over them to do it
> trying to gain the sexual attention of a person (by using flirting, body display, ego stroking, or other covert means) when they are known to be in a couple, on a date, or in a committed relationship.
> invading the personal space of another person; uninvited touching of another person; "nit-picking" (always picking lint, rearranging hair, 'spit-cleaning' another person's face, etc., especially when obviously not welcomed, and even moreso when the relationship is not close)
> talking over another person; constantly correcting and interrupting; talking every time the other person starts to speak
> condescension; extreme over-explaining; evasion of answering questions; refusal to give direct, polite answers
> unsolicited, unasked for "advice" and "instruction"; giving "advice" or "instruction" that's not actually informative but is simply insulting.
> making comments that imply that the target is a novice, physically weak, a beginner, incapable, or inept, often rationalized as "kidding around"
> behaving as if a person is "invisible", doesn't exist, or is "lower status", especially while they're standing right there; obviously leaving them out of introductions and conversation, not responding to their conversation or greeting; responding disrespectfully or rudely
> purposely blocking access to resources, certain work, education in certain areas
> purposely modifying education and work so that a target receives less education and information than another; must do more or more difficult or tedious work than another for the same pay; has to endure more hostility and less benefit than another
> messing with electric supply, water supply, or sabotaging or stealing tools, supplies, or equipment in order to sabotage a target's project or task
> damaging, destroying, or hiding a target person's finished or unfinished work
*many of these sabotage and domination displays are the same as Chimpanzee behavior; some are exactly the same, while others have been modified because of things such as spoken language, clothing and technology. They are often "covered up" and rationalized by humans because they don't want to be caught doing something that is considered a violation of rights, that's criminal, or will expose their real motivations and intentions.
Both humans and Chimpanzees receive neurochemical charge from dominance displays.
Chimpanzee survival depends on their hierarchy mostly because other Chimpanzee troupes will try to dominate and take over their territory; Bonobos, who are also Chimpanzees, do not display the same extreme hierarchy displays and survive just fine, maintaining a peaceful atmosphere, and enjoying friendships and group activities.
Apparently both Chimpanzees and Humans who are fixated on gaining dominance over others are simply addicted to the neurochemical charge they get from it.
Humans who are apparently addicted will, like any other addict, defend the "reasons" why dominance and hierarchy are "important", but they're the only ones defending it; those who know how to cooperate, negotiate, compromise and share, who make a lot of progress and are solution-oriented don't defend domination or "hierarchy", and don't seek it.
Children, younger and older, are going to reject guidance and rebel against their parents, teachers, and other adults. It's what they do, they're real people who are growing up. They need the adults around them to be consistent, show them what healthy living and values are by doing them, not just telling them. Kids learn to respect others by watching adults respect one another, and they learn to respect themselves by watching adults respect themselves, and them. They learn from the adults around them how to deal with conflict and find solutions, how to keep believing in themselves regardless of what happens, how to treat others well and why it's important, how to deal with negative people, how to keep going toward their goals and not keep giving up and why there are great reasons to embrace and love this life we have each been blessed with.
They need adults around them who make happy, strong, and peaceful mentors. Who are stronger than their fears, their anger, and their anxiety, who hold the fort, who are always a safe place to fall, and who keep their own boundaries and parameters healthy and intact.
They need adults around them who are stronger than the chaos and negativity outside the front door, and who will teach them to keep their own true identity, good humor, caring heart and creativity as they teach them to be self-disciplined, vigilant, and strong.
We need to be better than we really are, we need to try harder than we feel like it to be better human beings who are not living inside of our own emotional, anxiety, and control issues if we want our kids to learn how to be consistent, strong adults who know what good values and ethics are, why they're important, and how to navigate the world with all the different people in it. Funny how we forget so quickly when we reach adulthood how the adults around us really made us feel when we were growing up, and how they each actually affected us for good or ill. Just because we looked up to someone doesn't mean they were a good influence, and vice versa. What definitely happened, though, was that they affected and influenced us, it's how we're made. Our subconscious knows the difference even if our conscious mind denies it.
Narcissist/Controller Flag: Asking Questions But Countering The Answers (every time)
Controller: "What do you feel like for supper? Anything you want!" Target: "Italian food!" Controller: "How about Mexican."
C: "What kind of bird is that?" T: "It's a yellow-bellied sapsucker." C: "No it's not, it's some kind of pigeon." T: "No, it's a yellow-bellied sapsucker." C: "Whatever. Looks like a pigeon to me."
C: "Which singer do you like the best?" T: "Steve Perry" C: "Oh he sucks, and he's overrated. Robert Plant is way better." T: "Also Whitney Houston" C: "She was a druggie, I didn't like her voice, too squeaky."
C: "Where do you want to meet?" T: "At the mall" C: "How about at the commuter parking lot." T: "Okay, we'll meet at the commuter parking lot." C: "Let's meet at McDonald's"
C: "Which kind of donut do you want?" T: "Boston Creme" C: "Really? Why don't you want a jelly, they're better"
C: "Did you see the weather report?" T: "They said it's going to rain." C: "No, it's going to be nice out all day, see how the clouds are?" T: "I don't know, that's what the report said, go look at the radar." C: "No I don't need to look at the radar, I can tell by the sky."
C: "Want to go to the park tomorrow?" T: "Sure! What time do you want to go?"
C: "Well I might have to work, and then I have to mow the lawn, and
then I'm stopping at my friend's house. I'll let you know when I'm
done."
It's all about CONTROL, control, control, and keeping
control. The actual activities and information are not the real focus,
and aren't important. The exchanges are just tactics to establish,
maintain and reaffirm control.
Talking at length about bad things or good things that happened to them (relatively "normal")... seeking support, comfort, positive feedback, or celebration (completely "normal")... making observations and information statements (pretty "normal").
All pretty normal; might seem a bit verbose, but that's not "Narcissism", that can just be personal communication style, even a family or regional communication style.
~
The Narc. part is in their response when the OTHER person shares THEIR good things or bad things that have happened to them, or makes observational or informational statements.
~
Talking about one's self, one's own experiences, or making observational statements during a conversation with a Narcissist means only one thing: the Narcissist is no longer in the spotlight, the direction of attention has SWITCHED from being on THEM to being on the OTHER PERSON. So the responses from them will range from invalidation to personal insults, to head-nodding, condescension, to unsolicited advice*, to countering, to talking over the person, to complete silence and total NON-response. Sometimes they aren't even listening at ALL, they are just waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can talk again.
~
Basically the only time during the conversation the Narcissist is being "nice" is when the other person is behaving like an audience: a cheerleader, a sympathetic ear, a novice beginner who believes everything they say and has zero knowledge or experience of their own, a sycophant who hangs on their every word with no input or talent of their own.
*(unsolicited advice: the person did NOT ask for advice nor gave consent to hear any, but here it comes anyway, often condescending and presumptuous)
~
Narcissists seek "audience members", not reciprocal friendships. They seek compassion and sympathy from others, but not as peers, more like as parents who will cradle a favored child and protect them from the other "bad" siblings, or as a teacher who favors one of their students against the other "bad" students. In making observations and information statements, they fancy themselves "teachers", "experts", "Ones Who Have Arrived".
Therefore~ when their Audience Member starts telling something good that happened to them, or things they've accomplished or experienced, the Narcissist gets annoyed~ they're not supposed to be in the spotlight, they're supposed to stay down in the audience! How selfish of them to try to STEAL the spotlight!
When their sympathetic ear, shoulder, and cradle starts to tell about a painful or frustrating experience, or something they're sad about, the Narcissist again gets annoyed~ they're supposed to STAY in that listener/sympathizer role because NOTHING in their lives could EVER BE as bad as what the Narcissist has been through or is dealing with, they MUST BE making a huge deal out of nothing, and really need to grow a thicker skin, and stop being so pathetic, and stop trying to get sympathy...!!! (And stop talking about things the Narcissist has done to others... but that doesn't get announced out loud...)
When their novice beginner student displays some kind of "knowledge" or "experience", that means the Narcissist has to SWITCH ROLES and get off his or her Podium, which will not do. The Narcissist HAS TO BE the "Teacher", the "Expert", the "One Who Knows MORE", "The One Who Has More Experience or Skill". (That's why they TROLL, condescend, and constantly counter other people's blogs and posts.) They can't just join a conversation and ADD their own point of view or experiences, or answer a question without condescension or insult; they have to say the person is "wrong" or "stupid".
(It's not Narcissism just because we disagree with someone politely, or when we stand up against someone who is spewing hate speech. It is Narcissism when a person is trying to hammer another person down or humiliate them because they want to be seen as "right".)
Ironically, Narcissists will accuse another person of being narcissistic, self-centered, or arrogant when the other person doesn't agree with everything they say, even if it's about them personally, such as "your favorite color is green" or "you like seafood" or "you are angry because..." or "you aren't good at..." or "you don't know much about...". They will also accuse them of narcissism or arrogance when they don't put up with their countering and personal insults during a conversation. They seem oblivious to their hostile behavior and disrespectful treatment, and they don't seem to know how to share their own point of view or observations WITHOUT saying the other person is "wrong". They seem to think that if they have another point of view or additional experience, it means that anything outside of that is "incorrect". (If two people climbed the same mountain on opposite sides and one of them was a Narcissist, when they reported their different experiences, the Narcissist's experience would be the one that was "right", and the other's would be "wrong", and the Narcissist would really believe that to be so. They would counter the other person's account of their climb experience, and possibly even accuse them of making things up that didn't match the Narcissist's perception. They can't ADD the two experiences together, and can't conceive that someone knows something they don't, or has experienced something that they have not. it has to be "right" or "wrong". The exception to this is with a person they have placed on a pedestal as a superhuman "expert/guru" who is above everyone (in their minds). They will keep them on that pedestal and probably try to be associated with them and/or mimic them, ... unless they get to know them personally, and then that person will become a target as well eventually.)
Perhaps
the number one thing to keep in mind about Narcissists is that they
honestly, literally, fully believe that they are BETTER THAN YOU. As in
categorically. They believe they are a superior KIND of human being, and
you're NOT. You are not one of them, you're just not, and you never
will be (in their minds). Why do they talk to you, then?
Well you might be a relative, so they're "stuck" with
you, but you can see their disdain by the way they don't invite you to
things, or constantly criticize and correct you, or leave you out of
conversations and decisions, or treat you like you're incompetent,
unstable, or just not good enough. They might have mistaken you for one of THEM when they first met you, so they wanted to hook up with
you and rule the world (according to THEIR plans, of course). They might see you as a way to improve their IMAGE by association with you. They might want to own you, like a pet, or a slave. They might be fixated on having sex with you. They might only talk to you when there's no one else around.
They might want something you have, anything at all, from money, to
your car, your house, your family, your career, your reputation, your
"power" (if they think you have some). It could even be your dog, or
your friends; who knows. They might want to get into places and associate with people that you have access to. They might want to be YOUR "sidekick", and for you to be their "protector", parent, caretaker, bodyguard, provider.
~(If a Narcissist is reading this post right now, their reaction will most likely be eye-rolling or some kind of invalidation like "Oh brother, who cares?!", or defensive justification of the behavior they recognize like "Everyone does that!" or "Some people really ARE 'losers'!", or they'll adamantly deny they do any of these things, or ever have even come close to doing any of them, and could never, ever, ever, and anyone who does do them is EVIL and should be burned at the stake, or completely insane and should be locked away forever (deflection/projection/extreme reaction/lack of objectivity or empathy).)
If
you can picture something you have a "weakness" for~ such as chocolate,
or other sweets~ when you pass by the cookie tray, you know you
"shouldn't", but you take one anyway. Same with other things, like
breaking certain rules even though we know better, like turning right on
red at a light that says "No Right On Red", or speeding, or bringing
candy to the movie theater.
Now apply this "weakness" and "rule breaking" habits to relationships with PEOPLE. That's how Narcissists think.
"Well it's just one cookie".... Well, it's just one dance, just one
sexually charged embrace, just one kiss, just one french kiss, just one
bodily fluid exchange... no big DEAL... (as long as they get away with
it... no one's going to find out, right? No harm no foul? What they
don't know won't hurt them?...)
"The cashier didn't charge me
for those socks, well it's just a couple of dollars".... Well, I didn't
pay her back the money she loaned me, but I will eventually, when I get
around to it, when I get some extra money, when I have nothing I want to
buy for myself, it's just a few thousand dollars...
"It's
normal not to tell your partner every little detail of your life when
you're apart, you don't have to tell them every single thing"... Umm... I
didn't tell you about buying the boat because I didn't think you'd
mind... Umm... I didn't tell you about the party because you don't like
that kind of thing.... Umm... I didn't tell you about the vacation with
my "buddies" because, umm, you probably wouldn't want to go anyway...
Uhh.. I didn't tell you about going to the bar with her/him because you
don't really like that kind of atmosphere... Oh, I didn't tell you about
the school play because I figured you'd be busy...
Because of
their poor self-control and weak boundaries, many Narcissists become
habitual liars in continuous covering up of their behaviors. They can
become so habitual that they lose their awareness of the act of lying
and fabrication, and end up living in a world of delusion that they
fully expect others to SWALLOW. Amazingly, if someone does NOT swallow
their Tall Tales, and even if they have irrefutable proof and several
witnesses, the Narcissist will become ANGRY AT THEM. It's as if the
non-believer is doing a HOSTILE DEED to them by "bursting their bubble",
destroying their illusion. There is NO remorse for the trouble,
disaster, and often devastation they have caused, their only emotion is
about getting caught, and getting called out.
This article by Gudrun Zomerland, MFT summarizes the condition of Narcissism and the effects that a Narcissist has on a close target, especially over time (child. partner). Gudrun mentions "mirror neurons" at the end of this well-written post, and explains briefly the large benefit a good therapist can give to a patient simply by paying attention to their inner self.
IMO, this subject can not be spoken of enough, and frankly is not talked about nearly enough. A person who has endured close "relationships" with Narcissists have been given skewed feedback, false feedback, or zero feedback, often over a very lengthy period of time. A child growing up in a Narcissist dynamic, (for example if one parent is a "Narcissist", or both, or other relatives are, or there is an ongoing situation such as severe illness that distracts the adults from raising the child properly, etc) has been given little or no accurate or positive feedback for a very long time.
Accurate and positive feedback are essential for ANY person to develop properly. It's much like playing catch with a person who either catches when you throw and then throws it back to you in the same friendly, calm manner, compared to playing catch with a person who isn't paying attention when you throw it half the time, or stands there with their glove on but their back turned, or feigns missing the ball in order to make it appear that you can't throw it straight, or misses it and blames you for throwing it "wrong", or catches it and whips it back very hard at you, or regularly throws it over your head and laughs or shakes their head.
After living in the second scenario for a very long time, a therapist who actually treats the patient with genuine respect, empathy, and accurate feedback, who does not condescend, who does not have a superiority complex, who does not see a patient as "lower" than themselves can, in itself, be one of the most effective healing "salves" there is. Being treated like a REAL person who belongs on Planet Earth, who's not some kind of insignificant person, who has a regular working brain in their head, who's ideas and words are actually HEARD and UNDERSTOOD by the another person (the therapist) and not judged, dissected, spat back out and used as evidence for their "instability" or "unworthiness" is what every human being needs and deserves. Targets of Narcissists have not received this basic respectful treatment that most others take for granted, and have been conditioned to believe, using skewed feedback, that they others PERCEIVE THEM AS less worthy, less intelligent, less capable, and undeserving of a normal (nevermind good) life. How much they have bought into this projection of unworthiness and incapability that has been thrust at them for so long is unique to the individual, and must be worked through over time. However accurate and positive feedback is essential to this process (which does not include attitudes of "I call it like I see it" on the part of the therapist... the patient has had quite enough of cold, unempathetic, arrogant, ego-based "tough love", don't you think?) Be sincerely respectful, be genuinely interested, treat them with true integrity the way you would treat a colleague you admire if they came in for a therapy session, or don't treat them at all. And if you don't understand that statement, or why it's important, then you need to find out, and quickly, if you want to be an effective therapist who actually helps clients heal.
One
of the things that is either difficult, or uninteresting, for most
Narcissists (but not necessarily sociopaths) is the concept of Cause and
Effect, or Causality. Why this is so may be a combination of
things, from a lack of instant gratification and supply, to avoidance
and denial, to simple boredom, to cognitive confusion and discomfort. Finding out why and how things really happen may seem like a waste of time and energy to them, or may just be too confusing.
The Narcissist does not want to know why their partner was late, and
it's never a good enough reason anyway~ they are just angry that he or
she was late, and now they feel uncomfortable. The "why" their partner was late is irrelevant to them because it
didn't happen TO THEM. The "why" they now feel uncomfortable and angry is also uninteresting (or confusing), and therefore in the "avoid exploring" category.
The Narcissist does not care about the reason their partner or child is upset, he or she is just annoyed that this "mood swing" is "wrecking" their personal atmosphere and expectations.
The Narcissist doesn't care about why their relative is having trouble with depression, it's just assumed that they're "crazy", and must be either hidden from others finding out, or the relative must be smeared/slandered so no one thinks the Narcissist is anything like them ("crazy"...). (Narcissists will do this even if they know full well that the relative suffered trauma, neglect, or abuse, and even moreso if the Narc. was one of the perpetrators).
The Narcissist does not care about the
bakery staff who makes the elaborate cake for their celebration, or the
painstaking process, or the hundreds of things that could go wrong in
that process or on the way to the event.
The Narcissist does
not care how much work the artist put into a painting, how long it took,
how much process was involved, or how difficult it actually would be
for HIM or HER to do such work; the only thing that enters their mind is
whether they like it or not personally~ which they interpret as
objective fact. (The other thing that might enter their mind is envy
toward the artist.)
The Narcissist does not care how or why a
person is not as financially successful as he or she is~ they just
ASSUME that they aren't because they're a "lower" kind of person;
they're not as smart or capable. Finding out about the actual life
events the person has lived through is completely uninteresting to them,
and they will dismiss it all anyway, favoring their "loser" theory.
(Funny how they don't apply this to themselves when someone else is more
successful than they are~)
The Narcissist who is not successful assumes that those who are wealthy, successful, or educated were all just born into it, that they did nothing to earn it or keep it, that they did nothing to earn anything they have or have achieved. They just ARE the 'wealthy/educated KIND of people", and they don't "deserve" what they have. (But apparently the Narcissist would deserve it if he or she had that wealth or success~ apparently he or she would be the only one who deserved it, since no one else does who already has it...)
The Narcissist does not even apply
causality to themselves; not in a realistic way, anyway. They will often
ignore, dismiss, and delete most of the help and support they received from
others while reaching a goal, and actually believe that they did it ALL
themselves, every step of the way. Learning new skills and information
also reflects this glitch in their processing; they will learn a skill
from a teacher, and upon gaining confidence in this new skill, they will
immediately seem to believe that they are a long experienced "expert",
that this skill is "natural" to them, that no one really "taught" them,
and that anyone who doesn't know this skill is stupid and ignorant (once
again, "lower" than them).
Any certificate, degrees, and recognition
they earn are seen as badges proving their "superiority", and they will
often claim superior intellect, experience, and knowledge over any
person who does not have the same "level" of degree, (while at the same
time usually diminishing and downplaying the degrees, certificates, and
recognitions of those who have more or higher degrees than they do. In fact, if a Narcissist is reading this paragraph right now, they are probably arguing "but that IS what degrees and certificates mean! That I'm smarter, more experienced, and more knowledgeable!" Explaining why it doesn't would take another blog post.)
They seem to mentally DELETE 'process' and causality: The girl who is a prostitute in the street was born that way~ The old man who lives only with his dog is alone because he's crazy, or old, or no one likes him~ The wealthy developer in town is just a better KIND of human being than the rest of the townsfolk~ The child who won the State Spelling Bee is just a brainiac freak~ The homeless woman downtown who sits on the bench was just born to be that way~ Their own career is successful because they are just that good KIND of human being. Etc., etc.
Nothing happened to CAUSE anything, everything just IS because it IS. Rain just falls, the sun just shines, people are just stupid or ignorant if they don't agree with my exact point of view, people just drop out of the sky the way they are, and the way their lives are.
I
have found more women to judge others as "inferior" or "superior" based
on height and size, instead of actually finding out about the person,
although I've met plenty of men who do this as well. It also seems that
the very tall and the very short are much less likely to have this
affliction, presumably because they know it's ridiculous and baseless.
It's extremely creepy to me, frankly. I have seen with my own eyes
countless times where people will assume to an absolutely SILLY degree
(not just toward myself) that a taller person is UBER capable and a
short person is clueless and practically disabled, and that's about
ANYTHING at all~ and a heavy person is clueless and silly compared to a
"physically fit" person who they treat as (again) UBER capable, and very
thin (especially thin, tall people) get treated like they're unstable,
stupid, and/or about to break like a twig compared to a heavier or
average height person. Phenomenal ignorant and SCARY, frankly, and
evidence that many humans are much less sentient and aware of reality
than they seem to believe.
The REALLY interesting thing about
it is how they don't apply this to THEMSELVES. They will project
"incapable", "frail", "weak", "clueless" or "childlike" onto a person
who's shorter than themselves, but mysteriously forget ALL ABOUT THAT
when a person who is taller than THEY ARE are talking to them.
Interesting how that works... (Oh and please don't defend yourself,
or defend people who do it, it just gives it away that you do it. The
meaning of Sentience is Self Aware, if you're sentient, you can CONTROL
your monkey instincts and NOT DO THEM, in the same way I control mine by
refraining from knocking out the teeth of those who are blatantly
disrespectful to my face because they think it's "okay" because I'm
smaller than them.)
Expecting
children to mature beyond the example their elders set for them makes
no sense. Fortunately, many do anyway, seeking role models and guidance
from other sources. Unfortunately, some meet up with the wrong people in
their search, and end up in worse circumstances than they were already
in, because there was no way to know what they were getting into. For a
child who is seeking mentors and...
guidance, this IS their first rodeo, so they have no idea, and no way
to know who is genuine and who's a manipulator. Blaming children for
mistaken steps on their paths as if they're adults who 'should have
known better", especially when they have no adults who are grown up
enough to guide them in a constructive way, is one of the more blatant
signs of immaturity.
~MMBlack
"I’m always saddened when
children and young adults are treated disrespectfully – even though
being young is a passing human condition, children can grow into
life-long Friends. I believe that if You want to be Friends with a child
or an adolescent, listen to what they have to say. Be interested in
what they do. Treat them like the interesting human beings they are. In
our society respect is mos...t
often linked to hierarchy. It seems that You are expected to be
respectful to those ‘above’ You, but nobody seems to care if You treat
those You consider ‘below’ You with familiarity or even disdain. Well,
that doesn’t work for making Friends! How about treating everyone with
respect if they have earned it ...including children and young adults? I
like that much better." ~Denise Pinto Chenier
"Countering"
is when a person automatically says "black" when you say "white", it's a
"keeping control' habit, it has nothing to do with the actual subject
you're talking about. If I say "black" and a person who counters
says "white", and then I said "you're right, it's white" then they would
say "no it's not , it's grey." ~ It's not about the topic,
it's a "sparring match" and they are just trying to WIN, but there IS
nothing to win, the only one "competing" is them. The "sparring match"
is in their own head. ~ This is why nothing ever gets resolved,
nothing ever gets planned and carried out, there are never any
productive conversations, projects always get destroyed and scrapped.
This is why when you talk about something good that you did they have to
top you, or when you talk about something bad that upset you they have
to top it or diminish it. ~ It can also take the form of
"advice-giving", but this "advice" always implies that you're a novice,
you're just weak or oversensitive, that it's all your fault, that you
don't know what's going on or what the best information is (but they
do), or that you're just a beginner and they're an expert (no matter
what the subject). ~ People who aren't actually "Narcissists"
can do this, and often do, it's easy to pick up when others are doing it
all around you, it can just seem like "normal" behavior. We can pick it
up because someone keeps doing it TO us, so we learn to do it back just
to deal with it. It can be embarrassing when you realize you've been
doing this, but it's not that hard to fix. There's no need for a big
production of admission and apology to everyone, just mostly to one's
self. Not doing it anymore, and learning how to communicate politely and
respectfully is usually enough. ~ The picture that comes to
mind is two people playing tennis. The countering person hits every ball
back as hard as they can, trying to hit the other person with it, or
make it go over their heads so they can't reach it, or hit it far out of
the field so they have to go get it. This is not a friendly game of
tennis, this is just one person trying to use the game of tennis to
dominate the other. And in the same way, if the other person says "I've
had enough, I'm leaving", the countering/dominator person will say "Oh
sure, you're just a poor sport! You always leave!" If and when the
countering/dominator person finally realizes what they're doing, they
can look at it squarely, and just stop trying to "dominate", let go of
the aggression, and see what the REAL game of Tennis is all about. The
friendly kind, where both people just want to play and enjoy the dynamic
BETWEEN them. ~ The obsession with "winning" and "dominating"
just to feel worthy, and to get a certain neurochemical rush, is one of
the biggest causes of all kinds of problems in human relationships,
communities, and organizations. ~ It's the real reason behind
War. Countering dominators who are looking for the chemical rush they
get from "winning" and "gaining" and "dominating" can't negotiate,
share, or compromise, and may not even want to, because they know they
won't get that HIGH they crave.
A clever (diabolical) little trick that many Controllers/Narcissists play on targets:
Hiding invitations to events, not relaying messages from other people,
not telling that someone called, giving only part of a message but not
the whole thing, "editing" relayed messages to give a different
impression than was intended.
This practice kills several birds with one stone. First, the target does n...ot
receive the invitation or message that was intended for them. This can
be life changing for the target, especially since most people will not
follow up to see if the target actually received the invitation or
message, they will just assume that it was received, even if it was
important.
Second, the invitation or message sender does not
receive a response from the target, so it appears to them that the
target doesn't CARE. (Again, most people don't follow up, they just
assume, which is why these tactics work so well.) In most
Controller/Narc. dynamics, the Controller makes a point of intercepting
as much direct communication to the target as possible. The Controller
actually "trains" people, very quickly, to go THROUGH THEM to
communicate with the target. It's all subtle actions, signals, and
implications about the target ("you don't want to talk to her, she's in a
mood") so most people don't realize they're being diverted.
So, if they do try to find out if the target got the invitation or
message, who do they usually ask...? Not the target, but the Controller.
So of COURSE the Controller is going to say "I gave it to him/her, I
don't know why he/she didn't get back to you." (and then some kind of
derogatory comment for good measure, such as "Well he/she's probably
'too BUSY"...")
Unanswered messages and invitations strike
people right in the heart and the ego. It seems that the person is so
self-absorbed (or unstable) that they just don't care, can't be
bothered, or are very arrogant.
The more messages and
invitations that are intercepted, edited, and diverted, the more the
target appears uncaring to everyone else, and will believe whatever the
Controller says about them because they're already feeling "miffed" by
the target's apparent disrespect and disdain toward them. Others build
up fictional negativity about the target in their imaginations, and the
Controller is only too happy to fill in the blanks and make up "reasons"
why the target is SO hard to get along with, and SO uncaring and
self-centered. Eventually, when this keeps going on and on, the target
finds themselves isolated, with an inexplicably tarnished reputation
that's not anywhere near reality. People mysteriously treat the target
like they don't belong, like they aren't welcome, like they're not "good
enough" or stable enough, or trustworthy enough to be part of their
group, but it's because all of that has been IMPLIED for so long, and
"proven" with unanswered invitations and messages. And it's also because
they don't bother to find out anything for themselves.
Seems
like a LOT of work for the Controller, but it's not at all, it's
something they enjoy, or are used to doing, the way other people enjoy
cooking or fishing. They usually grew up doing this, and often had
accomplices in childhood. They may have done it to deal with a
dysfunctional environment or individual. It was a game to them that they
never stopped playing, or a way to survive from a child's point of
view.
Of course this wouldn't happen if so many people were
not so willing to believe negative things about others, but they are
because they get a neurochemical reward from it (Us vs. Them), and this
is what Controllers play on to accomplish their goals.This is one of the
common tactics that is used to isolate a target from others.
(Relationship notwithstanding, it can be any kind of relationship at
all.)
Ignoring
and dismissing the Light and the Good because one is focused on the
Darkness and the Bad is the same naivete as the other way around. They
are two sides of the same coin. Some will try to pretend there is no
Darkness, and some will try to pretend there is no Light. Some will
refuse to listen to or look at anything that does not align with the way
they want the world to be. When we are not in Ego, when we are in
serenity, we are able to view all that is around us with calm
objectivity, and simply learn about what is there, without embracing or
rejecting anything.
Treating you like you don't know something, or are inexperienced, physically weaker, less intelligent, or less aware than themselves. Talking "down" to you. Speaking to you as if they are an adult or a "master", and you are a child or a "beginner".
They will often mask this with smiles and sweetness, so it can be easy to miss with the more socially savvy Narcissists. But you'll catch it if you pay attention.
Basic protection 101: DO NOT TRUST ANYONE you have not truly gotten to know over a good period of time, and from many direct interactions between them and you. Lots of time and lots of interaction is how we build mutual trust, and find out what a person is really like, from a safe distance. If they are healthy mentally and emotionally, they will be doing the same thing, they won't be trying to invade your boundaries, tell you what to do, judge you, or control you (that would be a flag).
Hormones interfere with this process because we are biological creatures who's subconscious seeks to reproduce more human beings, and we actually SHUT DOWN our own processes of learning about other people, and getting to know who and what they really are (both male and female, and it happens regarding all relationships, not just romantic)
.
Narcissists are all about how THEY get treated by others, but seem oblivious to the way others get treated.
They are very watchful and even hyper-sensitive to the way others treat
them and interact with one another; if you had a conversation about it
with one they might seem very empathetic and aware. However, start
talking about how someone treated YOU, and you will see quite a
different reactio...n.
They often interpret the behavior of others to be disrespectful,
hostile, unfair or abusive toward them, often when it was quite the
opposite, and they often project all kinds of negative connotations and
intentions on what others say and do, especially if the person is
someone they ENVY or FEAR.
However! Let someone they consider
"below them" talk about unfairness, disrespect, injustice or crime
toward them, and the reaction will be complete invalidation and
rejection, no matter what the incident or situation was, or how severe
the behavior. The Narcissist will metaphorically put his or her hands
over their ears and go "Lalalalalaa!" like Paul Reubens used to do.
No matter what the situation was, or what the events were, Narcissists
will almost always blame the victim or target, unless they have
something to gain by sympathizing with the victim.
So when
your Narc. friend doesn't seem to care how his or her other friends or
family members treat you, it's because he/she DOESN"T CARE.
To
stand up for you would be too much work, and you're not worth that to a
Narc. It wouldn't GAIN THEM anything, which is very important, and it
might actually COST them something, like status, position, or
admiration. They also might be afraid of those people, since it's not
uncommon for Narcissists to have the same pattern as Narc. targets in
choosing "friends" and partners; their associates might also be Narcs
who are just waiting for an excuse to 'bite'. And further, the odds are that they are actually enjoying the fact that you are getting treated with disrespect.
The Narcissist can't do checks and balances.
He or she is not going to say "Hey all your friends and acquaintances
treat me with respect and kindness, but many of mine treat you with
total disdain or disrespect, that's not fair!"
They aren't
going to say "Hey you are always polite and considerate to me, and keep
your word to me, and help me when I ask. I respect you for that, and I
will also treat you with the same consideration and respect."
They aren't going to say "Hey I noticed that waitress, clerk,
salesperson, or other person treated me with respect, but treated you
with DISRESPECT."
They don't CARE, and they probably LIKE IT
anyway, because they see it as them getting elevated and you getting
"kept in your place." (Narcissists are usually obsessed with
'hierarchy' and feel GOOD when a person treats them better than someone
else, even what the person being disrespected is their own child,
friend, partner, or relative. It reaffirms their feeling of
self-importance, which is what they substitute for their missing
self-esteem.)
Labeling, categorizing, and grouping is good for those with Narcissistic agendas.
Another product of growing up in a dysfunctional environment, whether
it was family or community, is being 'taught' that people belong in
CATEGORIES. This categorizing puts people in GROUPS, and FORGETS that
they are individual human beings.
The "rich people", the "poor people", the "criminal people", the "churc...h people", the "politician people", etc, etc.
People also get categorized by race and sex.
Other CATEGORY groups can include "druggies", "yuppies", "working
stiffs", "bikers", "preps", "gangbangers", "hippies", "ruling class",
"losers", "winners", ~ the list goes on and on.
Entire
generations get labels put on them, usually by someone who is NOT part
of that generation; someone who has no way to know what the individuals
in that age group experienced growing up. (Narcissists believe they can
see completely from someone else's point of view, and also see
everything there is to see about any given subject; it doesn't occur to
them that they CAN'T.)
This habit of categorizing people is
simply the brain's way to turn people into members of groups, and ignore
their individuality, making it easier for the mind to deal with all the
different people around us. The brain simply DELETES REAL information
about other people, and wraps them in an easy-to-swallow story that
feels good to the ego.
On the other side of this same coin,
people often put THEMSELVES in groups in order to FIT IN, to be seen as a
certain "KIND" of person, and to be accepted by their community AND/OR
their peers. Often the goal includes being admired or respected above
others. ("I am one of THESE people, so you should
respect/admire/fear/accept me, and therefore automatically give me
better treatment").
A large majority of people will
automatically treat others differently if they think they're part of a
GROUP, (any group, even as simple as sex or race), for GOOD or for ILL. Also, members of any group will usually treat a member differently than a non-member. The less secure individuals feel in a given community or group, the MORE they behave this way.
The more Narcissists there are in a given area, the more common it is
for the people in the area to put group labels on other people. Also,
the more likely people in that area will try to make themselves known as
belonging to a certain group, because it affords some protection from
Narcissist targeting (any kind of group at all, from the Masons to the
Junior League, to the Tennis Club, to organized crime groups, to the
local gang, to less organized cliques and groups where everyone dresses
similarly, talks similarly, and does the same activities). Narcissists
are less likely to target individuals who appear to have some kind of
support network, and human beings LEARN THIS while they're growing up,
even if they're not consciously aware of it.
Ironically... the
increase in an area of people seeking to be seen as part of a group,
and labeling other people, actually makes it EASIER for Narcissists to
keep control in that area. Each group, large or small, has a leader, and
that's what Narcissists do best, control other people. If there is a
Narc. in the group, he or she WILL try to take the Leader position,
regardless of their actual level (or lack thereof) of experience,
knowledge, or ability.
To combat the ease of which Narcissists
gain control, we can start with ourselves by becoming more vigilant
about labeling and grouping others, and about labeling and grouping
ourselves. When we aren't doing it anymore, when we start remembering
that each person is an INDIVIDUAL, and not merely a member of a category
or group, then we can teach and model this for others, especially
children.
When Narcissists are around, the real abilities,
behaviors, and character of all individuals get covered up and buried,
so that Narcissists can end up looking like the most capable, the most
noble, the most innocent, and the most intelligent. Those who the
Narcissists are competing with get painted as incapable, weak, unstable,
and untrustworthy. So, when EVERYONE is recognized as an individual
person by the majority, and not some kind of clone that fits into a
certain group, then the real abilities and capabilities can be seen by
all, AS WELL AS the real agendas and behaviors.
Denying that Western culture is heavily male-biased is just a symptom of the bias-conditioning itself, and contributes greatly to the Narcissism epidemic. It's not "feminism" or "fem-nazi-ism", or any other "ism", it's just reality. And it's not good for either boys or girls~ bias is imbalance, pure and simple, and that means the entire society is thrown off. Imbalance creates MORE imbalance, especially when it's denied.
If the local high schools' sports programs are focused more on boys' sports, that's male bias.
When the local newspaper covers more boys' and men's sports stories than girls' and women's sports stories, that's male bias.
These are not private little groups, they are public, and they heavily influence the entire lives of ALL of the youth, and the adults as well - both men and women, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives.
There are hundreds if not thousands of similar examples in both public and private groups, organizations, and businesses. However as with any kind of bias that's baked into the subconscious, most people can't even MAKE themselves look at it in any kind of direct, non-defensive or non-emotional way, the way they look at their financial statements, clean their kitchen, or solve a problem at work.
Bias FOR one sex over the other in a culture means a very important thing~ that children must SPLIT their own identities, and are being told to REJECT one parent, and FAVOR the other. And the same with all other members of their family, and anyone else in their community. Healthy children in healthy families identify with BOTH parents, and internalize all members of their family as part of "who they are". Sex bias HAS TO result in the rejecting and diminishing of those who are cast into the "lesser" role, which results in the SPLITTING of the SELF.
When the child becomes aware that their community sees the members of one sex as "lesser" than the other, both the male and female child go into a crisis of identity; the male child suddenly feels that he must DISTANCE himself from his own identity with his Mother, which, like all babies who's mother was their primary caregiver, is an integral and internal part of his SELF, his OWN identity. He feels the need to distance and separate himself from other female relatives as well, and other females he looked up to, or was good friends with, in order to preserve his feelings of SELF WORTH. He is told he must CHOOSE males over females, and he must CHANGE HIMSELF and PROVE that he is "one of the males" and NOT "one of the females".
Obviously this wreaks all kinds of havoc on the poor child's sense of who he is, and who his family is. It is implied very strongly that he should ONLY "follow" and listen to males, and that he can compensate for this painful and abrupt forced identity change by taking out his negative feelings on females, as if they are to blame for his pain and discomfort; even the ones he previously deeply respected.
This is not "natural", it's agenda-based, and it causes serious problems for the child, and in society in general, as we can clearly see just by turning on the news.
For the female child, her identity crisis is a shocking realization that she is a member of the group that is being cast as "lesser" by a large majority of the humans around her. To further this shock, she also finds out that most of those who she relies on and loves are NOT standing up for her against this phenomenal, incredible imbalance and injustice. She must come to the realization that her own mother is being cast as "lesser", and that her own father is quite likely one of the people who are perpetuating this frightening culture-wide anti-female bias, if not by actively doing it, then by refusing to stand up against it when he encounters it, or when it happens to her directly, and by going along with it.
One of the things she must change about herself in order to remain accepted as "normal' in such a culture is to LET PEOPLE treat her as "lesser", and adapt different behaviors that are not natural to a healthy and confident human being. Behaviors such as submission, deference, feigning ignorance, letting others "win", bowing out of competition and debate, backing away from challenges, learning, and activities. Many female children change themselves from being a strong, confident, optimistic, activity and task-oriented child to mimicking other females who seem to get treated with more favorable attention by others, especailly by adults, and by boys. This behavior often entails a 180 degree switch, which is of course unhealthy for anyone.
Amazingly, few adults seem to "take notice" of this switch, but instead completely deny and ignore what's really happening, and call female adolescents "moody", "stubborn", and "headstrong". They will even complain about, fight with, and seek psychiatric help for their young female family member or student, but seem to have NO interest in what's really causing any of it.They seem fixated on blaming the female child, which apparently allows them to deny any and all external events that are and have happened TO the female child.
The level of this IDENTITY CRISIS and SPLITTING in children of course varies from culture to culture, depending on the severity of the bias and anti-bias in each culture.
Who keeps this bias going? BOTH men and women who like the way things are because it keeps them feeling powerful. In male-biased societies, both men and women who seek and maintain power like to keep the "status quo" going, because it allows them to lord over half the population.
WHY do they keep these particular sex-biases going? There are several reasons, none of which are based on the well-being of the children, or their healthy development.
It is based on what CONTROLLERS want the children to end up doing FOR THEM when they grow up. So, boys who are shamed for being anything other than "tough", "fast", or "uncaring" make excellent work-horses, and better soldiers. Being conditioned to FIT IN with other males means they will feel compelled to keep the approval of their group. Being conditioned to ONLY LISTEN TO AND FOLLOW MALE LEADERS means they will DO WHAT THEY'RE TOLD when a man gives them orders and instructions, and will NOT LISTEN when ANY woman gives them INFORMATION. Therefore they will follow a MAN OFF OF A CLIFF and IGNORE THE WOMAN WHO IS YELLING "STOP! DON'T FOLLOW HIM!" This conditioning dynamic can be clearly seen in groups such as organized crime; a son who has been conditioned to follow male "leadership", for example, and IGNORE females, is MUCH EASIER TO CONTROL, and will not listen to any of the women in his family, regardless of how much they know, or WHAT they know. A son who is conditioned in this way will want to "prove" that he is "worthy" of the approval of the males, and do what they tell him to do, even while his mother is clearly warning him about the REALITY of the males he's following because she knows first-hand what their intentions, motives and agendas are. He will ignore her, and follow them right into prison, and right into an extremely stressful TRAP of a life, with or without money.
Girls who are shamed for being anything other than "compliant", "submissive", "care taking" and "deferring" make excellent SIDE-KICKS for males who are being controlled by other males. They are much easier to control with social consequences and game playing, and fear standing up for themselves or for others. This means they will FILL JOBS for LOW PAY, especially jobs that others don't want to do. They will fill care-taker jobs regardless of what their REAL interests are, and regardless of their original career trajectory. They will abandon interests that are labeled "male" in order to avoid consequences such as belittling, rejection, and bullying, leaving those jobs open for males, who have been conditioned to do what they're told by other males.
Both girls and boys are conditioned to see females as "Lesser", therefore BOTH women and men reject receiving information and instruction from females quite often, and will listen to and believe males very quickly and easily, often without any basis other than the fact that their male. (You can test this on yourself if you're able to remain objective and really pay attention, most of us have been conditioned in this way). Both women and men try much harder to dominate females in all kinds of ways, from socially to physically to business to raising children, because of this conditioning.
Both will avoid confrontation, disagreement, or non-compliance with males (regarding anything) about ten times more often than they will avoid them with females, and physical size (both height and weight) also increase the likelihood of avoidance.
BOTH male and female Controllers benefit from male-biased cultures.
~Most males know they will automatically be favored over the majority of females by BOTH men and women on a general basis. This means they will be listened to and BELIEVED over females, they will get more positive attention, credit, applause, and support from both men and women, they will have access to more resources, more business, and more "back-room perks". They have access to more supportive groups and clubs (if they want to join them).
Their competition in business and in social acceptance is cut IN HALF, right from the get-go. They know if they stay inside of Male groups (especially in business), they will not have to compete against females, because females are kept out. (This is the spot where those who benefit from male-bias will argue that there are "legitimate reasons" for keeping females out of whatever group~)
~Female Controllers know that they can easily sabotage, manipulate, and dominate other females they target, because females do not have the same support as males in the community, or even in many families. The likelihood of being stood up against or receiving negative consequences is very small, so it's relatively safe and easy.
Female Controllers will often align themselves with males and receive some of the benefits of the male-biased culture BY PROXY.
They know this~ and they don't want it to change.
Why? Because being SECOND to the "Leader" is better than being the "Leader" for a Controller, because the second-in-command can use the Leader as a SHIELD, can hide behind the Leader, can pretend to be as knowledgeable, as strong, and as experienced as this Leader. The Second In Command can use the influence, control, and bias the Leader has over others as her own, especially over other FEMALES. History actually shows that male leaders are more likely to allow a Second In Command person (usually MALE) to pull strings, manipulate, and carry out agendas than female leaders, which is also a very important reason that Controllers would RATHER have a male Leader than a female Leader; they're apparently easier to manipulate.
It is RARE that males will stand up for females against female Control behavior, or against male Control behavior for that matter. The risk of losing status or favor often outweighs the care they have for female persons. Therefore in male-biased cultures, it's open season on females, because the only ones usually standing up for females against disrespect, injustice, unfairness, slander, sabotage, theft, mobbing, and even abuse is other females, and usually only those females who don't have Control, ego, or envy issues. Further, females who stand up for other females against any kind of disrespect or injustice often become an immediate target as well, so even less people are left to stand up~ only those who can stand to take the ostracism and attacking that comes with standing up for others.
Studies have shown that it is more often females than males who stand up against disrespect and attack on MALES as well. However, they are more likely to receive support from others, because it is, after all, a male who they are standing up for. In fact, Controller females will often USE this tactic purposely to gain favor from a male, and align herself with him. (Of course male Controllers sometimes use this tactic as well on females.)
ALL MALES are not guilty of perpetuating the male bias in cultures. There are plenty who see it for what it is, and do everything they can NOT to go along with it.
The tide is strong, however; there are many, many more people who will keep it going than stop it in this current era, just because their own comfort and status quo is their priority, and their fear of risking disapproval from others is too much for them.
