Appropriate Punishment vs. Retaliation and Abuse

Inflicting "punishment" on another person for one's own emotional reactions is simply abuse.  It's bullying.
There are specific scenarios where "punishment" is appropriate, and those are limited to disciplinary measures regarding actions that don't comply with standard guidelines. In other words breaking rules or laws, or refusing to hold up one's responsibilities.

A parent or another supervisory adult is appropriate in "punishing" a child for misbehaving, such as suspending privileges, or putting away a toy (or a game, or a cell phone), when they do things like refuse to follow rules, if they mistreat another person or animal. or if they lie.
These are behaviors that have objective, outlined standards that are the same for everyone in a group.
Megan lies, she gets grounded for two days, Ronald lies, he gets exactly the same punishment as Megan did.
Not more, and not less, because the punishment is for the ACTION of lying. It's not about whether someone LIKES the certain child or not, or is MAD AT the child or not, or is EMBARRASSED by the child or not, or is trying to "put the child in her/his 'place'".

However it is not appropriate to punish a child for things like: not complying with abuse, for feeling confident, for expressing emotion (not the same as behavior), for asking questions, for not behaving "feminine enough", "masculine enough", "black, white, Asian enough (etc)", for being "too smart"/"too curious"/"too creative", for NOT BEING SIMILAR ENOUGH to someone, or for "being annoying" because their general personality doesn't MATCH an adult's personality.
A child's role is not to cater to the feelings, comfort, or ego of other people in their environment. 

"Punishment" is also appropriate toward adults who are voluntarily WITHIN a community or organization, where guidelines and laws are SPELLED OUT, and agreed upon by general consensus. And, where the "punishments" for breaking laws and not following guidelines are also laid out. So if a person speeds on a road with a posted speed limit in the US, it is KNOWN that they are breaking the law, and they should EXPECT to get pulled over and ticketed; that's the law, and that's the "punishment" for breaking that law that's been agreed upon. If a person ASSAULTS another person, if they are in sound mind, they surely know that it's against the law, and that they will receive PUNISHMENT for breaking that law.

Those, again, are examples of disciplinary measures that have been decreed and agreed upon that whoever breaks a law will receive.

The punishment is for the ACTION, and the laws and guidelines are agreed upon and known.

It's not a RETALIATION.

If Mary runs a stop sign, the police officer doesn't pull her over because they don't LIKE Mary personally. They pulled her over because she ran the stop sign, it's the law. Mary voluntarily lives in her community, which means she agrees to abide by the basic laws. Mary voluntarily drives a car; she is volunteering to abide by the traffic laws. Not because she's "submissive" or a "sheep", but because traffic laws are there for specific reasons of traffic flow and safety for everyone who's on the road, driving a car, a motorcycle, a bicycle, a delivery truck, walking by themselves, walking with a child, walking with an animal, etc.
If Mary or her friend John doesn't LIKE the laws, then since they are VOLUNTEERING to be citizens in that community, they can go through the process of helping to CHANGE the laws that they don't like. If they don't want to do that, then they can MOVE, if they live in a free country. 

If the police officer pulled Mary over for ignoring the stop sign, and then decided he/she didn't LIKE her, so they cited her for doing all kinds of other things "wrong", or treated her disrespectfully, then THAT would be inappropriate "punishment" and "retaliation", which is a common behavior in certain personality disorders.

Those with control issues for whatever reason/diagnosis may try to inflict "PUNISHMENT" on another person according to their OWN EMOTIONS and moods. This is retaliation, however, not actually "punishment".

Rages, name-calling, threats, slander, kicking someone out of their home, taking away their resources, blocking them from resources or support, back-stabbing, condescension, assault, shunning, and betrayal are examples of RETALIATIONS that those with control issues may try to inflict on another person, and will often call "punishment".

Healthy adults don't "punish" other adults, and healthy adults don't punish children for their own emotion and ego issues.

Manipulation Using Sympathy

Expressing sympathy toward another person is one of the tactics that manipulators often use in order to quickly gain a person's trust.
"I can't believe they treat you that way. That's horrible."
"You work so hard and they don't even acknowledge you!"
"I feel so bad for you having to put up with that."
"Here let me help you..."
"It's not right the way they act toward you. I would be so angry."
"You come and hang out with me, I won't treat you that way."
"People like that don't deserve to breathe! They're evil."
"Vote for me, I'm on your side."
"If you need help, or anything at all, you call me first."

The words can sound like real sympathy when spoken by a manipulator.
They can be the SAME WORDS that someone who actually cares might say.
It can be nearly impossible to tell whether a person who is expressing sympathy is genuine, or if they're trying to gain a person's trust or 'loyalty'.

The tactic may be used on many levels and in many situations, depending on the goal or mental illness level of the manipulator. From gaining the trust of a potential customer, to a potential con-mark, to gaining the trust of a potential abuse target, to gaining the trust of a family member, friend, classmate, student, coworker, etc.

One of the ways to determine whether someone is genuinely expressing sympathy, or is trying to manipulate, is to look at the rest of the picture. What are their other behaviors? How do they treat others, and that means ALL others? Do they gossip? Do they treat others with respect, kindness, and understanding on a regular basis? Do they seem to dislike others who are in your life? Do they seem to want YOU to dislike or turn on certain other people, especially who have not done anything seriously wrong?

Do they ask you to do things for them, but they say "no" when you ask them for help, support, or assistance?
Is everything usually THEIR way, and if you say anything about that at all, do they fly into defensiveness, every time?

Can they help you without disrespecting you, or making it a HUGE deal, as if you're asking them to help you move the Washington Monument, or loan you a million dollars?

There are definitely different levels of manipulators. Most are apparently just not socially or emotionally mature or healthy, and can cause problems in social groups and families. These are the manipulators who try to gain the trust of certain others in order to gain their "loyalty", and turn them against certain other individuals.

Then there are those who do this same thing outside of the 'friendship' or family group, in the larger community, and cause problems for others in business, career, and academics, which is actually illegal, but difficult to prosecute, and so it happens a lot. (Bullies will often push to see how far they can go with their behaviors, but may stop if and when they fear consequence.)

There are those who try to gain trust in order to gain manipulation power over another person, so they can get the person to do things for them, give them things, and care for them, but without reciprocation. These manipulators also commonly try to gain the trust and loyalty of others around them, so that they'll HELP with making a certain person into a 'servant', an ever-available 'handy-man' or 'hand maiden'.

Then there are those who try to gain the trust of others in order to con them out of money or possessions. The internet is FILLED with this.

There are those who try to gain the trust and loyalty of others in order to sell their product. (Advertising, sales-pitching).

There are those who manipulate a person into trusting them in order to gain access into their 'heart', so they can use them for all manner of things, including sex.
This is also all over the internet, but can probably be found in any local group where there are humans.

There are those who are on the severe end of the mental illness scale who try to gain the trust of targeted abuse victims.

It's also used on a larger scale for bigger groups of people.

Manipulation; trying to gain trust and loyalty~ in order to build a "following" is common for Politicians (of all stripes and parties), political parties, for promoters of entertainers and artists, religious leaders and speakers, ANTI-religious leaders and speakers, cult leaders, non-profit organizations, big business, political movements such as "MRA", even electronic and computer companies now can be seen using these tactics.

Manipulation via "sympathy" is not used by ALL of these types of people or groups in order to build a following.
It's most commonly seen being used to gain a following when the person or group's agenda includes
DISLIKING or HATING SOMEONE ELSE.

We are ALL potential targets of some manipulator, somewhere. It's nothing NEW, there have always been humans who try to manipulate in order to get what they seek, instead of being straightforward and ethical. Often it's because they don't think they're capable of getting what they want without unethical means; they're severely insecure, or very immature; they want to receive something without doing the work or going through the steps, or they want to receive MORE than they've earned.
Other times it's just "malignant Narcissism".
~Either way, we are all potential targets, and therefore it's in our best interest to learn how to protect ourselves and our loved ones, how to listen to others with healthy respect (not trying to shut them down, and not shifting our belief system to theirs), and learning how to keep our Boundaries up and running without turning them into hard and brittle "walls" with cannons sticking out of them.

Fear Of Being Sucked In

People who's boundaries are not strong often fear that listening to different points of view means they will become hypnotized and indoctrinated, and "get pulled in". Since their boundaries are not strong, they might be right about their own lack of ability to listen to someone else without being heavily influenced. But the issue is not the other person, or what the other person is saying; the issue is the weakened state of their own boundaries. If they were strong and healthy (and they can be if the person were to make an effort in healing them), then the person could hear the point of view of nearly any person on the planet, alive or dead, without changing their own beliefs or "getting sucked in".
Of course there are people who try to persuade and 'charm' others into following them, but that only works on people who aren't aware of the trick. Just like a magic show; if you know the trick, you aren't fooled, you don't believe it was really "magic". But if you don't know the trick, it can certainly seem real.
Healthy boundaries allow a person to watch a magic show, or listen to even the most charismatic politician or religious leader, without getting "sucked in", and without feeling as if one has to DEFEND themselves against being sucked in.

Positive Attitude, Negative Attitude... Which One Is RIGHT

People who have "Pollyanna" attitudes are said to see the world covered in rainbows, sunshine, and butterflies all the time.
They can be really annoying to people who live in "reality"...

People who have "Mike Misery" attitudes are said to see the world covered in pitfalls, negativity, and problems all the time.
They can be really annoying to people who live in "reality"...

So, if Pollyannas don't live in reality, and neither do Mike Misery's, then who does?

The truth lies somewhere in between Scotty Sunshine and Debbie Downer.

Reality includes huge quantities of rainbows, sunshine, and butterflies, and it also includes large amounts of pitfalls, negativity and problems.
Neither Pollyanna NOR Mike Misery are "right", because each of them are fixated on only acknowledging certain things in the world, and not the whole picture. Each of them pretend that half of the world does not exist. They're choosing to embrace only certain things, and they're choosing to reject other things that they simply don't want to deal with.

Both LIGHT and DARKNESS exist, and both exist at all times. ALL THE TIME.
Quite literally, if it's night time and cold where Mike Misery is standing right now, on the other side of the world it's day time, and the temperature is warm. Mike is standing in a dark, cold spot. If he did some traveling, he could go to a warm and bright spot. That's reality. Whether it will be easy or hard for Mike to do this traveling is another issue, but either way the fact remains, it's bright and warm in another spot, and if Mike Misery went there, he would be warm and standing in sunshine.

We tend to get used to a certain way of looking at the world, and that often means we're looking through a FILTER of our own making. This filter makes the world look brighter, perhaps warmer, or it makes the world look darker, and perhaps colder. Many of us tend to change our FILTER according to our mood; if we're in a good mood because something good happened, we put the warm and bright filter on. If something happened (or didn't happen) that shifted our mood down, we put the cold and dark filter on. We either see everything as hopeful, pretty happy, and going well, or we see everything as gloom, doom, trapped, stuck, and negative.

We tend to BEHAVE and SPEAK according to whichever filter we're wearing over our eyes at the moment as well; we act kind and generous, respectful toward others, understanding and lighthearted when we're using the bright/warm filter. When we're using the cold/dark filter, we tend to act indifferent, hostile, uptight, annoyed, "tough", aggressive, even cold or mean.

The bright/warm filter makes it easy to act like a "lovely, caring person", and the cold/dark filter makes it easy to act like a "tough hard-nose" or even a thuggish, self-centered oaf.

Many people LEARN to change their filters purposely in order to change their attitudes and behaviors, so they can make themselves feel and act a certain way for various reasons, with various people.

Some people leave one of these filters on all the time, because they received some kind of attention or external reward from other people when they were wearing it.

Sunshine is real, and so is darkness. Happiness and joy are real, and so is struggle. Love is real, and so is hatred. Caring is real, and so is arrogance, neglect, and abuse.

We each choose the filter that we wear every day, and we choose whether to use one or not.

We each choose our actions and behavior as well, and we choose to either LEARN MORE about the world around us, about others near us and far, and about ourselves, or we choose not to, and remain ignorant.

Did You Know: Psychiatry

Be as careful about your mental health treatment and that of your loved ones as you are about the rest of your physical health, and theirs.

Many don't know this, but all psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists are not taught the same, and there are different "schools of thought" regarding psychiatry and psychology.

There are students who are taught that an individual is pretty much "born that way"... in other words, the abuse they went through, the trauma they went through, and the culture they grew up in didn't cause their behavioral, emotional, or thought processing issues... nope, they would have ended up the same exact way whether they were raised by wolves, apparently, or in Beverly Hills.
Doesn't make sense, does it?
And yet, there are people who are taught that in school, and who practice according to that belief system.

There are several theories and schools of thought regarding human psychology, so do your homework, study up, educate yourself. You are a human being just like anyone who has gone to school to study psychiatry or psychology.
Knowledge and theory is not "owned" by only certain people, it's there for every person to learn from and review.

Spreading False Rumors About A Parent To Their Children

One of the most horrific and horrendous behaviors that is common to people with certain forms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is trying to paint a person in a negative light to the person's children. Whether the children are very young, older, or adult, the damage can be devastating on several levels, both to the targeted parent AND to the child.

Narcissists are typically not able to comprehend the severity of the damage they're inflicting, although some are. But often a person who is smearing another person is only thinking about destroying the CREDIBILITY of the targeted person, so if the targeted person starts telling others the truth about what the Narcissistic person has done, the hope is that no one will believe them.

Trashing a parent to the person's own children is often done for very superficial and petty reasons, such as trying to MAKE the child LIKE the Narcissist BETTER. People with NPD are often very jealous of close relationships between other people, and will seek to destroy bonds between others, and try to gain "loyalty" of one of the people by creating a CLIQUE, a FACTION, or a "secret club" that INCLUDES the one person and EXCLUDES the other via turning others on the targeted person. They also tend to give "gifts" to the person they're trying to lure, and to make time spent with them seem like a GRAND PARTY... so much better than spending time with that OTHER boring, straight-laced, control freak, rule-making parent...

Children often MISS CONTRADICTIONS, such as a Narcissist calling a targeted person names implying sobriety and Puritanical values such as "straight-laced Polly Purebred " one day,
and calling them an "unstable, irresponsible *&^*@" the next.

Some favorite common rumors that Narcissists seem to enjoy spreading about a parent or an ex in order to 'destroy' their image and reputation, either to the person's children or to others, include:

~ They have a drug habit
~ They have an alcohol problem
~ They can't be trusted
~ They're bipolar or otherwise "mentally unstable" (for some reason "bipolar" is a popular label used often in smear campaigns, it must have been on TV a lot at some point, or in a popular movie.)
~ They "sleep around"
~ They don't tell the truth
~ They don't really care about their kids
~ They cheated on their ex (this one is often used when the ex did the cheating)
~ They're Narcissistic themselves
~ They're the one who was abusive, the other was so worn out and miserable that he/she "HAD TO" lash out/cheat/lie/steal/do drugs... etc..
~ They only care about themselves
~ They lied about the ex and the relationship, and they "make up stories"
~ They keep secrets from everyone
~ They have a "secret life"
~ They "abandoned" their kids
~ They neglected their kids
~ They're control freaks, and/or nobody likes them

What children need to understand is that NO ONE who is NOT a "Narcissist" would spread bad things about their own parent, especially to THEM, whether they were false or true.
ONLY a person who has bad intentions would purposely try to convince a child that their parent is simply a "bad person". Even when one parent is ABUSIVE, a person who does NOT have Narcissism or bad intentions would be more worried about the child figuring out that their parent is abusive, how to explain what's going on or what's happened in a gentle and careful way, and what kind of impact it will make on the child, whether they're still young or an adult.


A NON-Narcissist would wish for the abusive or neglectful parent to heal themselves and heal the relationship with their child.

A Narcissist, on the other hand, just seeks to ruin the child's respect, care, and bond toward the targeted parent, whether that parent was abusive OR whether they're a very loving, caring, excellent parent who loves their child or children very deeply.


Most of these kinds of rumors come from a REAL PLACE, but that place is not from the life of the person who is being targeted. Usually, these are stories pulled straight from the gossiper/smearer's OWN life, edited and rewritten to make the target the "main character" instead of themselves.
Occasionally these tales may also be pulled from others lives whom the Narcissist knows, such as their 'best friend', family members, coworkers, even from fictional dramas.

One thing that nearly all those with Narcissism have in common is a honed and practiced ability to lie, and to convince others that a completely false piece of fiction is true, both about themselves and about other people. 

Dealing With Bullies

"I wish I could think of a good come-back... I always think of something good to say LATER..."

Bullies realize early in life, from testing others, that when they surprise a person with an insult, a put-down, or a threatening implication or gesture, the person is often rendered speechless and startled. They know it happens, but few know WHY, they usually seem to think it's because THEY are soooo scary or sooo witty... really though it's just the natural startle response. The brain detects a threat, and so it turns on "high alert" and scans to see if the danger is serious or not. We're not rendered "stupid" when this happens, we're actually MORE vigilant and alert, but our "wit" may have been diverted temporarily into the fight-or-flight part of the brain. It is possible to improve our ability to think of quick come-backs with practice.

Think of a better insult... this scene in "Roxanne", Steve Martin's Cyrano film, is where he squishes this aspiring bully into the carpet with a list of 20 much more creative insults than "Big Nose" ...

"Status", "Respect", and "Hierarchy" According To ...

What is it that humans use to create "Hierarchies"?

What is the CRITERIA that humans use to determine who deserves "RESPECT" and who does not?

We all like to say that "respect" is about character, about intelligence, and about wisdom.

But... is it?

We all like to say those things, but most of us know better... human beings tend to replace genuine respect with FEAR, especially in groups and cultures where bullying is present and common.

So... Philip weighs 120 lbs (54 kg) and stand at 5' 4" (1.63 m).
John and Mike stand at 5' 9" and both weight around 175 lbs.
John and Mike tend to treat Philip like he's a "kid brother", like he's less experienced and less grown-up, and not as "tough", based solely on his smaller size. John and Mike find this kind of funny, Philip finds it annoying and aggravating because they're always bossing him around, making jokes, and treating him like he's a weakling or a child, but when he stands up to them they make fun of him even more. When he complains about it to other friends, they tell him he's being "too sensitive". No one else says anything at all about it, not even Philip's relatives.
John and Mike literally treat Philip as if he is not as much of a "real adult" as they are, based solely on their size differences.
This dynamic of disrespect might have been cute when they were all younger, but as adults, this dynamic gives others the impression that Philip actually IS less capable, less experienced, and weak.
When John, Mike and Philip go together to apply for a job in a construction company to make money for college, John and Mike get hired, but Philip does not. The employer saw their social dynamic and bought into the display of John and Mike being "superior" and Philip being "inferior".

REALITY, however, is that John and Mike have ZERO experience in construction, except for fetching tools for John's older cousin once, but Philip has years of experience helping his Aunt and Uncle in their development and remodeling business. He wrote that down on the application, but the employer didn't take it seriously because he ALSO likes to feel "powerful" when he's around people who are shorter or thinner than he is. He bought into John and Mike's treatment of Philip because HE thinks the same way.

Now, when John and Mike get on their "crew", there are three people who are taller than they are. One of them is a woman with 25 years of experience. John and Mike treat the three taller people with something they believe to be "respect", but it's really FEAR. Fear of being on the RECEIVING END of the disrespect that they give to Philip.

After a couple of months, John and Mike start trying to treat the woman with disrespect; they interrupt her, talk over her, behave as if she isn't in the room when they're talking to other men. They pretend not to hear her instructions, or to not hear them correctly. They make fun of her behind her back, and try to make her look stupid in front of other people, questioning and doubting her in front of others.

John and Mike picked the wrong crew. After about a week and a half of treating their female coworker/supervisor with disrespect, they get fired.

However... that's not the whole story. When they get fired, another pair of workers get hired to replace them. The new hirees are a man and a woman, each with about fifteen years of experience. They're both shorter than John and Mike were, and shorter than the rest of the crew.

After a few weeks, the crew starts showing disrespect to both of them, similar to what John and Mike had been doing. But THEY don't get fired for it, or even disciplined. The two new hirees actually get "spoken to" by the boss instead when they begin to stand up for themselves. The boss also happens to be taller than they are. After a couple of months, the two new hirees quit, and open their own business (which quickly grows to a huge success).

In the meantime Philip has started working in an office with both male and female coworkers. There are others there who are the same height as he is, and they treat him pretty well, like peers. However, there are three coworkers who are shorter than he is, one male and two female. Soon Philip starts to join in with his coworkers in treating the smaller coworkers as if they are less capable, physically fragile and weak, and like they don't really "fit in" with the rest of the group. REALITY is that the smallest coworker is literally the most experienced, and the second smallest has the highest IQ in the entire company.

Eventually, the three smallest workers leave, because they get sick of the childish treatment from their coworkers. Two of them start their own business, one of them earns their second PhD and gets hired by a competitor for a huge salary. Philip, however, stays with the company, making the same mediocre pay.

Status and Hierarchy among human beings is RARELY about intelligence, experience, wisdom, or ability. It's almost always based on extremely superficial VISUAL differences, such as height, shoulder width, weight, sex, hair color, and even the SIZE OF A PERSON'S HEAD compared to another.
Humans will often readily listen to and believe anything that a taller, larger person says over a smaller person, REGARDLESS of intelligence, experience, or actual knowledge;
they will even disregard their OWN KNOWLEDGE about each person and ignore the person whom they know for a fact has experience or expertise just because of their physical appearance and body compared to another person (or compared to themselves).

It's truly amazing, albeit disturbing, to observe.

Selective Amnesia? Did He/She Really Forget Saying Those Awful Things?

 Imagine speaking, but not hearing or listening to your words, your tone, or your volume. Kind of like when you're wearing headphones and trying to talk to someone, and you shout but don't realize it. What if the words themselves that you are saying are also outside of your awareness, in the same way as the volume of your voice.
 You speak the words but don't have awareness or recall of what they were, or how they were spoken.
 This is the kind of processing many people with apparent narcissism have.
 The human brain is miraculous, but it's also limited, and it "kicks out" information that doesn't FIT with the "picture" of the world it has created and feels comfortable with. The normal human brain deletes information it doesn't "like" or agree with on a regular basis, as if it's just too much processing work to deal with the NEW information.
 This deleting process in people who are afflicted with Narcissism seems to be 'cranked up', so that they delete MORE information than people who don't have Narcissism. Their brain seems to simply rewrite the "story" to match how they want it to look and sound.
 So when a person with severe Narcissism is finished raging at a target, if and when the target expresses anger, sadness, or fear, the person with Narcissism often acts shocked or humiliated that the target is "IMPLYING" that their behavior and speech was not exemplary, well-mannered and logical.

This kind of deletion process can occur in people who have other issues such as severe stress or PTSD (or brain injury) and it can appear as Narcissism. It can also occur as a result of drug influence; as a brief example, most adults can recall a time where either they or someone they knew didn't remember clearly what they said or did (or at all) after having too much alcohol.

Since it seems that this deletion process is actually a brain "malfunction", this is yet another trait/behavior that appears to be neurological, not simply psychiatric, and therefore needs to be studied much more closely, and treated accordingly by health professionals.

Self Improvement

Self-improvement of any kind is often uncomfortable, even painful, because it requires looking at ourselves in a direct light, and looking right at our mistakes, flaws, avoidance and ego issues.

This is why we all seem to have a such a hard time really doing it; as individuals, in friendships, as couples, as families, as communities, as organizations, and as cultures and nations.

Looking at ourselves and reviewing what we keep screwing up can hurt, especially in a non-supportive environment. In a bullying environment, it can even be dangerous, so we may avoid it altogether.

We can make more progress with any kind of self-improvement if we feel safe and secure, and if we're in a safe and trusted support network, with people who will remain supportive and not try to sabotage our efforts, or try to take the opportunity to control and judge.

Strangely, happiness and fulfillment itself can actually be painful for some people, for various reasons, and therefore they may subconsciously sabotage themselves when they try to focus on improving their own lives and selves. As a brief example, a person who was very happy as a young child, but "lost everything" in their later youth due to tragedy or abuse, may experience real pain when they approach the feeling of happiness they once had, because it reminds them of the loss they experienced which was very painful. This can be overcome, with work and effort.

Who Is "Allowed" To Be Logical, Analytical, Straightforward and Non-submissive?

Playing character roles that are created and assigned by someone else is typical for people who live in a community or family that has a large amount of control issues, narcissism, and/or a lack of mature leadership.

One person is "allowed" to be Logical and Analytical, but another person is not; their character role is supposed to played as emotional, self-deprecating, and less experienced or knowledgeable.

These roles, again, have been assigned to certain individuals according to SOMEONE ELSE'S stereotype issues, racism issues, gender issues, and class issues.

Any kind of physical trait will "land you a certain role" in such an environment. And your original role will be "tweaked" according to the different traits you apparently have.

For example if you are a male, you will be assigned a certain character role that all males are assigned. But then, your assigned character role will be tweaked according to your other physical traits (and the assumptions others make about them);
such as your:

Height
Weight
Skin Color
Hair Cut
Facial Features
Shoulder Width
Bone thickness
Voice Tone
Speech Pattern
Words Said Out Loud
Body Language
Mannerisms
Facial Expressions

and then of course you can add to the stereotyping with the clothing and other appearance attributes you choose, and the vehicle you drive. Many males BUY INTO, GO ALONG WITH the character roles that others have created for them and put on them, and will try to make their IMAGE FIT a certain stereotype role. For example, buying a pick up truck, especially a large one, is a common behavior that males who want to be seen as "masculine" can often be seen doing. Your employment will also enter into the equation, as well as your academic record. Even your facial hair will play into the character role that others (controllers) will try to place on you.


This is GOING TO HAPPEN, whether you think it's fair or not, whether it's "right" or not, because there are SO MANY people who are either Controllers, who try to MAKE other people follow certain roles according to their sex, race, etc., etc., AND because there are SO MANY people who BUY INTO these character roles, and go along with it; both for themselves and toward others.

We all have a choice when we become self-aware, and that choice is about going along and conforming to the expectations of those around us (including our families, some people we thought were nice, and including the "cool" crowd who we thought were non-conformists...)
OR...
being true to ourselves, who we really are, and learning the difference between PERSONALITY and BEHAVIOR.

Conforming and fitting in with others is not being a "good person" or a "cool person", it's just conforming.

Acting "bad-ass" is not being a "good person" or a "cool person" either, it's just acting "bad-ass".

It's just ACTING.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better...

There is a funny old song that makes fun of immaturity and Narcissism. It's supposed to be sung with two people, and it goes:

Person A: "Anything you can do, I can do better! I can do anything better than you."
Person B: "No you can't!"
Person A: "Yes I can."
Person B: "No you can't!"
Person A: "Yes I can."
Person B: "No you can't!"
Person A: "Yes I can, yes I can....!"

In understanding Narcissism, this song is important and can be used to put one's self in both the shoes of a NON-Narcissist, and the point of view of a person who is afflicted with Narcissism.
~(A child who has a "Narcissistic point of view" is simply immature, and needs more time, guidance, and positive behavior modeling from respectful, mature adults.).

From the point of view of a NON-Narcissist, a relatively mature person who is in sound mind and spirit, this song is a light-hearted, humorous game that pokes fun at human immaturity, selfishness, and ego.
It's FUNNY! And FUN! And cute! It makes one giggle, at least smile, when singing it, especially when sung with another person.

But from the point of view of a person who is afflicted with Narcissism, this song hits very close to home, and is more like a theme song of how they view the world.
It can ALSO be experienced by a Narcissist as MAKING FUN OF THEM, PERSONALLY, because this really is how they feel.

To a person with Narcissism, everyone is either "better than" or "not as good as" others or themselves. Everything is a comparison. The things they do, the way they look, the skills they've learned, their friendship ties, their achievements, their gender, their ancestry, their height and weight, etc etc. Everything for the average Narcissist is an indication of being a better person or a worse person.

This song represents how a person with Narcissism thinks, in a simplified but pretty accurate way. If they can't do something BETTER than you, they take it as a blow to their own ego. They feel "humbled", or they feel CHALLENGED in a negative way, as if you are BRAGGING about yourself by doing something well, or knowing about something, and TRYING TO MAKE THEM LOOK or FEEL BAD.

Narcissists take other people's abilities, assets, and recognitions as an INSULT to THEMSELVES.

Even if the person is a family member, a child, or a "friend".

Because, everything is about them, even another person's skills and abilities.

Narcissists tend to take other people's confidence in themselves as either ARROGANCE or DELUSION.
This is because they don't know the difference between confidence and arrogance, so they see other people's healthy confidence as haughtiness (and are inclined to identify with arrogant people as if they're down-to-earth or more intelligent).
And also because, if they don't believe a person is capable of being "good at" or knowledgeable about something, (usually due to superficial physical appearances), then they see the person as being delusional when they exhibit confidence in themselves, and confidence in their ability.

Child Bullying, Preventing Future Narcissistic Abusers and Targets

"Eyes On Bullying" is a well-built website about bullying, and with advice on teaching children how to deal with bullies in their environment as well as teaching them better social skills so they know better than to bully others.


Adults who are bullies and Narcissists, however, will eschew, twist, or reject this kind of information.
Bullies typically teach children TO BULLY, and will ASSIST children who bully in targeting others, as well as "protect" children who bully from accountability. So, if you are in a childcare environment and you would like to implement some of the excellent advice on "Eyes On Bullying" (or similar sites), do remember that other adults who have Narcissism traits will probably do the opposite, fight it, counter it, counter you, and also may pretend to follow the advice to make themselves look good to others, but won't actually be doing it. Assuming that other adults in a childcare/school setting are following guidelines for childcare and social skill/behavior teaching can actually make an environment worse, because no one is watching to see if they're really following the implementation or not, and children who get bullied won't be believed or protected because everyone is assuming that the guideline are being "correctly followed". So it must be the child's "fault"...
Victim-blaming is a number-one Narcissism behavior.

Do go over the information, and implement it with the awareness that Narcissistic adults often pretend to be the perfect model of caregiving, compassion, and compliance to those who they think are watching them, and to those they think "matter".

Mastery Of Skill And Subject: Effects Of Narcissistic Abuse

What is one of the main things that people with Codependency, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, general anxiety, and general PTSD/CPTSD have in common?

Boundary-health issues. The person's natural boundaries are not healthy and strong, they are weakened from trauma, abuse, neglect, assault, ostracism, humiliation, exhaustion, fear, domination, survival; basically from a list of things that has happened to them in the past or are still going on, many which may have been inflicted on them by other humans.
Healing one's boundaries is tantamount to recovery, which means learning the difference between "walls" and "boundaries".

Another thing that many or most people referred to above have in common is a result of dealing with different kinds of human Controllers throughout their lives:

The burying, forgetting, or pushing aside one's belief in one's OWN ABILITY TO MASTER SKILLS and knowledge.

Other people who have bully, ego, and/or sex and race role issues can and do often convince another person that they are not capable of a certain task, of LEARNING a certain task, of PERFORMING a certain task after they've learned it, of REMEMBERING how to do a certain task, or retaining the knowledge required.

After a while, the tactic of convincing a person they can't learn or perform a task is repeated so many times that a target person can also be convinced that simply the ACT OF MASTERING SOMETHING is NOT something that they, personally, are capable of.

To put it starkly: Bullying and abuse can convince a person with the same IQ and capability as Albert Einstein that he/she would be UNABLE to learn how to build a shelf, drive a car, or balance their checkbook. That is not an exaggeration, it actually happens.

That's how deep and severe bullying and narcissistic abuse can go, and often does.

MASTERY.

One may become avoidant of learning new things, of taking classes, of taking in information and remembering it. One can become DISTRUSTFUL of their own memory, even if it was "photographic". One may "forget" how to do math, even if they used to enjoy "higher math". One may become overwhelmed with anxiety when they think about general maintenance of their house or car.

One can buy into the belief that has been projected onto them that they are not capable of MASTERY, and therefore should just avoid trying and learning altogether.

REALITY IS that ALL HUMANS are capable of MASTERY.

There is no skill, there is no subject, there is no knowledge that is "only for some" and "not for others" on this Earth.
Every human can learn about every subject and every skill.
Every human has the potential to MASTER the skill that they put their focus on.
From balancing and understanding finances, to playing the piano, to human psychology, to driving a race car, to knitting, to master craftsmanship, to child care, to communication, to electronics, to zoology, to painting, to piloting a plane or a boat; the list is infinite.

Mastery is something that most children ENJOY.

REMEMBER.

Oppression Sexism Racism Domination

There are a few things about the human species that ring and echo through generations, through race, ancestry and bloodlines, through both sexes, all ages, and all eras.

Among those things is that we, as a species, harbor both fear and the inclination to dominate that which we fear, so that we may either eradicate it, or have control and power over it so that we may use its strengths and assets.

We, as a species, are domination-oriented. Control-freaks, if you will. 
We like to have control over the things, situations, and goings-on in our environment.
We "tame" lions, tigers, and elephants. We've "domesticated" wolves and big cats, and bred them into more easily controllable creatures. We even keep whales (dolphins, mostly) and sharks in aquariums.

Ever kill a spider or a hornet? How about a snake? A rodent?
Did you really think it was going to attack you, did you even know what species it was?
What was the real reason you didn't capture it and put it somewhere else?
What were the FEELINGS that you experienced?

There are several animal species that humans have completely wiped out due to this compulsion to dominate our environment. When we destroy an animal or an entire species, we come up with all kinds of rationales for WHY it was "necessary", especially when it becomes evident that we didn't need to do it, or shouldn't have done it.

We make all kinds of machinery to harness the power in our world for our own use, and then use the power we've harnessed to try and capture, control, dominate, and master over other things in our natural world. Even WEATHER and SPACE, for pete's sake. Flying is "old hat" now, we dominated that decades ago.

Control and domination: It's WHAT WE DO.

So, in light of THAT admission and illustration that doesn't even scratch the surface, and which most of us would agree with and even be proud of, why is it so difficult for us to come to terms with the fact that we turn this compulsion to dominate on one another all the time?

If it's in our nature, then it's in our nature, so why pretend it doesn't exist?

The reason that we pretend it doesn't exist is simple, and it's yet another old and well-known human habit: "Denial".

We "go into denial" for a few reasons. For example if a person has a chocolate cupcake habit that he can't seem to shake, he'll probably want to hide it from others so they won't judge him negatively, which is understandable; humans will judge a person as "bad" for the most ridiculous things. ALSO, he might want to hide it so no one knows about it, because he doesn't really want to stop. He's getting something out of it that he does not want to lose, whatever that might be. It might be the sugar, but it might also be the comfort from a memory that's invoked when he eats a chocolate cupcake. That memory might be giving him a beautiful place to be in the midst of an otherwise chaotic environment.

Denial! We usually do it so we can hide something, so we don't have to give it up. So we can keep doing it, whatever it is.

So when a man tries to show "superiority of maleness" over a woman, or a woman tries to show "superiority of femaleness" over a man, they are trying to DOMINATE the other person, and they are trying to give excuses why they think it's plausible and "okay" for them to dominate another person.

The excuses, the "reasons", are part of the DENIAL process.


How many excuses of male superiority or female superiority have you heard just over the past couple of months? People are constantly doing this.

We want to DOMINATE what and whom we FEAR, we want to DOMINATE whom we want to CONTROL, and we want to DOMINATE what and whom we want to OWN and USE for our own purposes.

That includes the opposite sex, as well as other races, and it ALSO includes people who are the SAME sex and race as ourselves. And you can be sure, it's being done TO us as well.
If we're a human and we're with another human, someone is going to be doing some "dominating" at some point, using tactics that they've learned from others over the years, that they may or may not be aware of.

The more a person harbors the desire to dominate and control others, the more likely they are to either deny that they do it AT ALL. And if they do admit it, the more likely they are to try to come up with "reasons" that it's "okay", such as biology, evolution, or even excuses so far fetched that they're almost comical, such as that the person they're trying to dominate WANTS to be dominated.

There's not much more to it, really. We could go through our evolution as mammals and primates, almost all of which have domination instincts, and we could go through human history, we could read all the poetry, we could read Darwin's theories, we could listen to all of the great philosophers, spiritual leaders, writers and poets and learn a great deal from all of them, but on the most basic level, there is this:

We as Homo Sapiens like to dominate the things in our environment, we are naturally compelled, no matter what our sex or ancestry is. Some more, and some less, but all of us, nonetheless.

The matter of WHAT we turn our domination compulsion ON, and the consequences of that, is a serious matter that most of us don't seem to pay nearly enough attention to.

We are born with a compulsion to dominate things in our environment for certain valid reasons like feeding ourselves, finding and building shelter, and defending ourselves...

AND we are also born with the ability to SEE OURSELVES,
REFLECT ON OUR OWN BEHAVIOR,
LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES AND CONSEQUENCES,
CONTROL OUR ACTIONS, SPEECH, AND BEHAVIOR,
and PLAN OUR ACTIONS AND WORDS ACCORDINGLY, SO THAT WE WON'T REPEAT TERRIBLE MISTAKES THAT HAVE RESULTED OVER AND OVER IN ALL MANNER OF PROBLEMS AND TRAGEDIES FOR THE ENTIRE SPECIES.

Turning our domination compulsion onto OTHER HUMANS is one of the most common mistakes human beings make every day, and it's one of the EASIEST things to learn to STOP DOING.
But...

DOMINATION ADDICTION

...those who are addicted to domination over other humans will probably protect their HABIT, because of the high they get from it.

Many who are addicted to domination actually believe in their own superiority, and often believe that the reason others don't dominate THEM is because they CAN'T, because they're not strong enough or smart enough. Their addiction to domination, like most other addictions, causes them to RATIONALIZE the reasons for what other people do and don't do, and the reasons for their own actions. Basically, they just make things up in order to explain why, for example, their spouse doesn't clock them in the head every time they're abusive to them, or why the other people in the apartment building don't break down their door and just throw them and their drug dealing operation out on the street, or why people get out of their way on the sidewalk or in the store, or even on the road.

They usually attribute other people's "allowing" and "submissive" actions to fear and weakness.

That's all that's floating around in their heads. It doesn't cross their minds that there are OTHER reasons that a person doesn't just smack them back down, hurt them, or hold them down, because those reasons ARE NOT IN THEIR HEADS. They don't know about those other reasons, they can't reason them out, and they can't figure them out. It's just not there. Even if someone told them what those reasons are, if the person is an adult, it probably won't sink in, they won't be able to comprehend it.

SELF AWARENESS

But even those of us who are more aware than that still have domination compulsion, and nearly all of us have it toward other human beings. Sometimes it's only reactive and defensive. But sometimes it's ego, sometimes it's offensive, sometimes it's just for envy, control, jealously or greed.

Self-awareness is the difference between being in control of one's self as a Sentient being, not the absence of tendencies, emotions, and compulsions. We all have the propensity and the tendency to assert control and domination, it's our level of awareness of it that makes the difference.

Can Men And Women Be Just Friends?

This is a "hot topic" around the net, and in scientific circles. It comes up a lot in conversation.

Here's the thing:

If you're asking the question, then why aren't you asking YOURSELF?

The only person who can answer that question FOR YOU, IS YOU.

If you don't think that men and women can "be just friends", then you've already answered the question, FOR YOU, ABOUT YOU.

If you ask SOMEONE ELSE, and their answer is "YES, I have genuine friends of the opposite sex", then that's the answer FOR THEM, ABOUT THEM.

Just because YOU can't be friends with the opposite sex doesn't mean that OTHER PEOPLE can't be. 

Really, it's a ridiculous question to be asking supposedly
SENTIENT BEINGS.

If your libido is so hair-trigger that any human who possesses the hormones of the sex you prefer to copulate with, then apparently YOU, as an individual, are sexually aroused very, very easily.
If you are not going through puberty and/or adolescence, if you are supposed to be past the age, then a hair-trigger libido is something you should probably speak to a doctor about, or a psychiatrist, seriously (no sarcasm intended).
Are you 'aroused' just from "hanging out" with people who are not absolutely disgusting to you sexually? Do you constantly SCAN others for their sexuality, and assess their bodies?
Do you assess whether you'll "give the time of day" to another person based on their "hotness"?
Then seriously, that's not the way EVERYONE is. Seek some counseling.

There are specific reasons that a person can have physiological libido and arousal issues, and those issues can also be psychological and/or neurological.
Can you control your own behavior when you feel sexually aroused?
This is a serious question,  because if you can't, you really shouldn't be walking around in society without supervision, and you might require medication.

OF COURSE men and women can be friends, if they have normal sex drives, normal and healthy relationship building skills, healthy boundaries, genuine and healthy respect for other human beings, normal and healthy attraction triggers, and good physical, emotional, and mental health.

Humans are sentient beings, they can choose to "be friends", genuine platonic friends
without any sexual anything, with pretty much any other individual.
If another person has sexual issues, then a person may choose to put some distance between themselves and that person, but that doesn't make the relationship itself "sexual".
It just means the other person have "issues".
Just like if an Irish person, a Nigerian person, and a Japanese person were friends, but one of them had racism issues and kept treating the other two WEIRDLY, it doesn't make ALL THREE of them racist, it only makes the ONE person racist.       Hello... this is easy.

Just because one person is racist doesn't mean another person is.
Just because one person can't stop thinking about sex doesn't mean it's the way EVERYONE is.
Just because one person thinks a certain woman is "extremely hot", or that a certain man is "extremely hot", doesn't mean that every person they know wants to have sex with them.
(Frankly, that's some seriously exaggerated, DRAMATIC assumption).

Putting one's OWN thoughts and feelings onto OTHERS is called PROJECTION;

When one refuses to believe that anyone else is telling the truth about their OWN point of view and their OWN feelings, thoughts, and motives, that's called PARANOIA.

If you know someone who says they can't be just friends with the opposite sex (or the same sex if they're homosexual), OR that they can't be genuine friends with a person of another race,  then keep an eye on them and protect yourself; they're telling you something important about themselves. Hopefully, they're just telling you that they haven't grown up yet, but it could be a lot more than that.

Rights, Ethics, And Maturity

Without maturity, there can be no "Rights".

Maturity is not about conformity, copying others, or fitting in, nor is it about being stern, being domineering,  acting like a "tough guy", acting superior, bossing others around, following certain people, or being part of a larger group.



It's about things like:

accepting that one is not perfect;

accepting that every person is "accepted" and "liked" in their own 'crowd', and "unaccepted" and "not liked" in someone else's 'crowd' ~ there are no universally accepted and liked individuals, nor are there any universally disliked, rejected, or despised individuals; (no, not even them...);

dealing with adversity and problems while remembering the 'bigger picture';
learning the difference between actions and feelings;
learning how to govern one's own behavior;
accepting and embracing accountability;
respecting other people without assuming and judging them on their body type and appearance;
understanding that the way we treat others comes from WITHIN ourselves, not from them;
learning how to learn about one's self and the world;
learning the difference between subjectivity and objectivity;
learning the difference between fact and opinion;
learning how to deal with change;
knowing how and why to treat others with civility;
understanding ethics and why they're important;
learning about listening to other points of view without feeling lectured or dominated, and without countering (arguing) OR becoming indoctrinated;
not twisting one's values just to fit in with others;
having the strength to stand up for one's self and for others;
learning and understanding that the world has been here before we were born and will continue after we're gone;

learning about one's own biases, prejudices, and assumptions;
learning why biases are not based in reality;
learning how to think critically and scientifically (without bias, without following);
learning how to both follow and lead respectfully, without following blindly or leading tyranically.  




For a "people" to have and keep their privilege of "Rights", they must be able to comprehend and understand that in order for them to have the "right" for something, then every other citizen must also have that same right.

In order for one citizen (YOU, ME) to have freedom, you have to understand that your neighbor whom you can't stand or you think is stupid ALSO must have the SAME freedom.
In order for one citizen (YOU, ME) to have justice, you have to protect others' right to justice, even if you completely disagree with them, even if you think he or she is an idiot.
In order for one citizen (YOU, ME) to receive fair treatment, a fair trial, fair anything, then FAIRNESS ITSELF has to be protected, for every single citizen, including those you "can't stand".

RIGHTS are not "rights" if they are only for some (the 'good people'? the 'smart people'? the 'down to earth people'? the 'righteous people'? the "strong people"?) and not for others (those we don't like, those we disagree with). Those kind of "rights" are called "entitlements", not rights, and are found NOT in FREE countries, but in places where there are dictatorships and political caste systems (not "free").


So if a person with one ancestry or skin color makes a racial slur, that's not "more okay" or "less okay" than when another person does it, unless you want to forget about your own RIGHTS.

Rights aren't given out to "those we like" and denied for "who we don't like", or they're NOT RIGHTS.

If one person makes sexist remarks and everyone laughs, then it must be just as funny when another person makes sexist remarks! JUST AS FUNNY! Why isn't it funny, deary? Ego a little touchy today?

If one person gets encouraged and applauded when they "buck the system", then it must be just as awesome when another person does it, who is the opposite sex or a different color!
No? Not so much?
HOW COME, PRAY TELL?

When one person expresses their STRENGTH and their ANGER against all the INJUSTICE, it's SO COOL, isn't it?!
But apparently only when THEY do it... because... um... well... you're just not cool enough... yeah that's it... you just aren't as cool as they are... sure... yeah, that's the reason we don't like it when YOU do it... that's why we try to shut you down... and try to make you look like a crazy person or a bad person...
even though we were all applauding when that OTHER person was doing and saying MUCH MORE OUTRAGEOUS THINGS than YOU were...
(See, it's OKAY when THEY do it... cuz... well, cuz... that's just the way it is! And because Uncle Jay said so!!! I don't know!!! Leave me alone!!!  Daaad!!)

When one person expresses their BELIEFS and OPINIONS about anything and everything, that's GREAT, it's WONDERFUL, they have the RIGHT to say what they want to say...
and they KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!
And they're SO SMART!
And they're SO WISE!
And they FIGHT FOR WHAT'S RIGHT and they SAY IT LIKE IT IS!
Right... yup... they sure do...
But ONLY IF WE AGREE WITH THEM,
and ONLY IF THEY'RE SAYING THINGS THAT WE LIKE.

AND... ONLY IF THEY LOOK AND TALK IN A CERTAIN WAY THAT SEEMS SMART.
(Or "tough", or "cool", or "righteous", or "bad ass", or "innocent")


Basically as long as they align with our HATES and PREJUDICES, and say what we LIKE, then we will support and fight for their RIGHT to express themselves and carry on, because they're LIKE US.

ESPECIALLY if they LOOK and SOUND like a "smart person" or a "cool person".





But for anyone we don't really like, or agree with, or who doesn't have the right sex, race, or appearance,  then FORGET IT, we don't want to HEAR IT from them, they should just SHUT UP.

Isn't that right?

So let's go over that again... whoever WE LIKE deserves "rights", "justice", "freedom", and "respect",  and whoever we DON'T LIKE should be UNDER OUR CONTROL and JUDGMENT.

Gee, hope you or I never fall into the category of someone else NOT LIKING US, huh?

So if we want JUSTICE and RIGHTS only for ourselves, but we don't think others (whom we don't like, whom we think are dumb, or whom we don't agree with) "deserve" the same rights as we do, then we should probably move to a country where there's a dictatorship, and see if they'll let us be one of the "privileged, entitled" class who has more entitlements than others.
Be careful though, usually there are specific requirements for being one of the "privileged", such as huge amounts of wealth, proof of the royal bloodline in that country, the "right" sex in that particular country, even the "right" height, the "right" skin tone (too light or too dark and you're out).
Oh, and they have to LIKE you, and TRUST you, personally. If they don't think you're "one of them", and that you'll go along with and obey everything they say, you're out. If they think you're too ugly or too good-looking, they won't like or trust you, and you'll be cast out. If they don't like one of your relatives because they're too ugly or too good-looking, they're out, and you're out. If you say something they don't like, you're out. If you like the wrong kind of ice cream, you're out. If they find you even slightly annoying, you're out.
Depending on the individuals you're dealing with, if they don't like you for any reason, you might not even survive being told that you're out.

But hey, that's what we want, isn't it? For only certain people to "deserve rights", and others not?

Happy Reading!


United States:
Constitution
Bill of Rights

List of Amendments



FREE COUNTRIES

Projection: Accusing Others Of What One Feels Guilty Or Ashamed Of

Projection is a common behavior in human beings, even in many who are aware of the behavior in themselves and others. It's one of those habits a lot of people pick up from others during childhood that can be hard to shake even when one becomes aware of it.

Basically, projection means we are "projecting" our own feelings, thoughts, actions and motives onto another person, like projecting a picture from film onto a blank screen. The screen is blank, there is no real picture on it, but when we put a beam of light behind a film, the picture on the film gets projected onto the blank screen, so it's as if the screen actually has this picture on it, even though it doesn't really.
It's still, in reality, a blank screen.

People who project their feelings, thoughts, motives and behaviors onto others often do this toward those whom they feel specifically angry, jealous, or envious toward, or whom they harbor resentment toward, or whom they have guilt or shame toward.

Projection is usually a process of denial. The person is attempting to take something off of themselves and stick it onto another person  so it's not "on them" anymore. When a person projects onto another it is considered rude, and is a control, bully, or gossip behavior. Feeling remorse and guilt, even shame  for the behavior would be appropriate, and therefore apology and amends would also be.

Some people project more than others, and some to an extreme degree.
Many seem to use it as a major defense mechanism, and may appear to be utterly unaware of it.



A very common example of projection is accusing woman who the person sees as "pretty" or "beautiful"  of being preoccupied with her own physical beauty. It is actually the person who is focused on her who is preoccupied with her beauty. Whether she is also preoccupied on it remains to be seen, in most cases, and even whether the woman herself shares the opinion of her appearance being "pretty" or "beautiful" is probably unknown as well to the other person. Many people seem to assume that any woman whom THEY think is physically attractive MUST share their view of her own appearance, and also must be arrogant about her looks.

This projection reveals THEIR OWN tendency toward arrogance and control-seeking, it has not much at all to do with the woman they are projecting their own feelings onto. She might think she's attractive, and she might not at all; she might even see herself as unattractive. And even if she has confidence in her appearance, that is far and away from being "stuck up" or haughty about her own looks. But how SHE feels is irrelevant; projection and assumption come from the OTHER person, regarding their OWN feelings, not the woman's.
In other words, THEY are the ones who would be arrogant if they looked like the woman, that's why they ASSUME that SHE is arrogant. It's what's in their own minds.

There are other types of projection as well, all based on the similar attempting to take something OFF of one's self and stick it onto another person.
Common examples include people who steal saying that "everyone is a thief", people who are sexually promiscuous saying or believing that "everyone" else is also promiscuous (some just try to hide it).

People who project take their own motives, feelings and behaviors and put them ON someone else.

So the cheating spouse accuses their partner of cheating, or at least thinking about it.

The projecting body builder accuses everyone else in the gym of wanting to be just like him "deep down", they just "can't handle it".

The projecting teacher who neglects the students might accuse parents of being neglectful.

The projecting "friend" may accuse the person who has helped them many times of "always needing someone to lean on" or "never doing anything on their own".

A classmate who frequently copies off of someone else's work may project "being a cheater" onto the person they copy from.

The professor who identifies him or herself as "the top expert" may often project "academic arrogance" onto a gifted student.

The mother who is envious of her daughter's youth may project her own hostility and jealousy onto her daughter.

The father who is envious of his son's youth may project his own hostility and jealousy onto his son.

The spouse who seeks to control and dominate their partner will often project their own control and domination motives onto their partner.


Projection is often seen as LITERAL accusations, and are often apparently believed by the accuser, which can be very confusing.

For example, Gina cheats on David with Scott, and then Gina actually accuses David of cheating on her with Sarah. As if Gina TOOK HER OWN MEMORY of cheating with Scott, and just STUCK IT ON DAVID, as if the memory was ACTUALLY of David with Sarah, NOT Gina with Scott.

Or, George at work who stole money out of a slush fund might actually accuse John of stealing money, EVEN THOUGH NO ONE WAS AWARE THAT MONEY WAS MISSING.

Or, a musician in a band who really wants to be the "star of the show" will often accuse anyone else who he/she fears is very talented, or who gets any positive attention from others, of being a "spotlight hog" or a "Prima Donna" or a "Primo Uomo".

A person who was drinking on the job might start rumors or make accusations about another specific person drinking on the job, regardless of whether the person drinks at all.

A person who is preoccupied with sex may project their own thoughts onto others, even their own relatives, accusing them of being "loose".

A person who has a drug habit may project being an addict onto others, again even in their own family, and in some cases even onto the children in the family.

Some projections seem to be purely purposeful attempts at trashing and sabotaging another person. But others appear to actually be believed by the person doing the projecting, as if they are seeing their own behaviors, feelings and thoughts in a mirror in front of them, but believing that they're seeing the other person feeling, thinking, and doing those things.

Memories from interactions with OTHER people can also be projected onto a person, for example a husband who projects may accuse his NEW wife of doing things that his EX wife actually did, but that the new wife HAS NOT EVER done.

Or a relative who accuses their nephew of doing something that their OWN SON did, not the nephew.   A stepparent accusing their stepchild of doing things that actually happened in their OWN childhood.

It can even be FROM TV or MOVIES. So for example a person who projects may accuse another person of doing something they saw a character do on TV last week.

Projections are NOT based in the reality of the person who is getting projected ONTO, so the origin of the projection could easily vary. It's not real, so no matter where it comes from, it's going to be fantasy anyway.

Since they are based in fantasy and not reality, a person who projects things onto others really does need some kind of professional help with this affliction. It is possible that their projection behaviors could be helped or even healed with the right therapy, for example helping the person to remember and review events in a grounded, realistic way, gently and slowly.

Like any other form of abusive behavior, whether the person doing it is aware or not, a target's priority needs to be their own safety and that of their children and other loved ones. If and when the target is safe, then if they want to, they can seek advice and help for their projecting loved one or friend, but only with keeping their own safety in mind first and foremost.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection#Practical_examples

Empathy vs. Narcissism

Empathy is when we recognize the feelings and different point of view of another, and are able to "put ourselves in their shoes". It's a brain function of humans and other animals as well; it's one of the ways we seem to automatically "sense" what another person is feeling, or what they want or need. We often actually experience pain when we see another injured, either physically or otherwise.
It's a brain function process, just like other brain processes, that help us navigate and understand our world.

Those who seem to have little or no empathy function can have trouble understanding "where another is coming from", or how they feel, or why they feel that way. They may not be able to tell the difference between expressions of different emotions coming from others, and may mix them up.
For example they may think a person who is afraid and anxious is actually expressing anger and domination.
They may think a person who is expressing sadness is acting "stuck up" or being self-centered.
They may see a person's body language who is expressing joy and celebration as being aggressive, and they may think that a person who is being condescending and arrogant is exuding confidence and intelligence.

A person who has trouble with empathy can react with fear or anger, even rage, toward a person who is emotionally or physically experiencing pain, because they are completely misinterpreting the person's expression as aggressive, controlling, or demanding toward them.

Having an apparent lack of empathy can come from many things, from traumatic experiences, a hostile upbringing or community, to brain damage from trauma or certain drugs, to simply being born with a lack of neurons (brain tissue) that allow one to experience empathy.

Empathy is an actual brain function (not something that's "moralistic" or "new age", it's an evolved ability)  that helps us function in the world, and helps us understand what is happening around us. It's not some kind of "virtue" or special power, nor does it naturally occur in only one race or sex but not another. The propensity for empathy is individual, like math ability. It can be increased with guidance, learning, and understanding more about it. There are ways to learn about empathy and increase one's own ability and understanding, which can open doors for us both personally and professionally, in family, relationships, and in the business or academic world.

The first step to empathy is realizing that
EMPATHY IS NOT SOMETHING WE GIVE OR PROJECT, it's something we are able to DO.
Some people are naturally better at it than others. Some people are very good at it, some not.(Like math).
The better a person seems to be at empathy, the more they understand why it's important, and usually the less skilled a person is at empathizing, the less they understand why it's important, and will often see it as a waste of time to learn more about it. (Just like math.)
Further, there are many who think they are experts already, and have arrogance about their ability to empathize so they refuse to learn more or self-reflect, which actually hinders their ability. (Still, just like math.)

A person who is good at empathy would be able to understand cause and effect in another person's life and situation, to see situations and people with clarity, and is much less likely to make assumptions, envy, be aggressive, act with hostility, and project their own motives and negative judgments onto others. Empathy or the lack thereof can mean the difference between talking and listening with a person vs. countering, rejecting, or raging. It can mean the difference between standing up for someone and 'throwing them under the bus'.
It is the difference between respecting another's dignity and reputation, and slandering or humiliating them.
It can mean the difference between a person receiving the assistance and help they need vs. being treated with dismissal, invalidation, rejection or hostility. It often means the difference between a parent who loves, guides, protects, teaches and cares, and a parent who does not, who neglects or attacks their own child.
It is often what makes or breaks all kinds of human relationships, be they personal, professional, or business.

Ironically, everyone seems to expect empathy and understanding from others, regardless of their own ability.
So it's not always that they don't know what it is, it's just that they either don't understand how to do it, or are unable to do it, or don't want to do it because they don't like things that seem like work (again, like math). 

Here is one article about it, with exercises included:

The Empathy Workout by Martha Beck 

Click any text for the full article:

"Caveat Empathor

Many people, especially those of us who’ve had a little bit of therapy, fall into an emotional trap Buddhists call “idiot compassion.” At first glance, this looks like empathy, but it’s actually projection. It encourages us to condone harmful behavior by assuming that the perpetrator is acting out of pain and helplessness. 
“I know he’s just a hurting little boy inside,” says Jeanie, whose boyfriend, Hank, has just beaten the living tar out of her for the umpteenth time. “He’s so sensitive. His mama abandoned him. He even cries when he talks about it.” Because Jeanie herself would become violent only in the grip of intolerable torment, she thinks she understands Hank’s motivations—and so she excuses his behavior. Real empathy is not based on this kind of projection but on close observation. If she were a true empath, Jeanie would notice that Hank, while “so sensitive” to his own misery, never notices others’ distress. 
When Jeanie understands that no one who cares for her could act as he acts, she’ll drop the idiot compassion and get the hell out of Dodge. At that point, she’ll realize that real empathy doesn’t put us in harm’s way. It protects us. That’s just another reason to implement one of the following exercises:

Exercise 1: Learning to Listen 

If you want to feel that you belong in the world, a family, or any relationship, you must tell your story. But if you want to see into the hearts of other beings, your first task is to hear their stories. Many people are gifted storytellers. Only the empathic are true storyhearers.

Anthropophobia: the fear of people

"Anthropophobia, or the fear of people, is a commonly misunderstood phobia. It often resembles social phobia, but is not precisely the same fear....

"Causes of Anthropophobia

Like all phobias, previous experiences can increase the risk for developing anthropophobia. If you have been the victim of a violent crime or have experienced psychological or emotional abuse or bullying, you may be at increased risk for developing this fear."