Children Rebel and Reject Guidance

Children, younger and older, are going to reject guidance and rebel against their parents, teachers, and other adults. It's what they do, they're real people who are growing up. They need the adults around them to be consistent, show them what healthy living and values are by doing them, not just telling them. Kids learn to respect others by watching adults respect one another, and they learn to respect themselves by watching adults respect themselves, and them. They learn from the adults around them how to deal with conflict and find solutions, how to keep believing in themselves regardless of what happens, how to treat others well and why it's important, how to deal with negative people, how to keep going toward their goals and not keep giving up and why there are great reasons to embrace and love this life we have each been blessed with.

They need adults around them who make happy, strong, and peaceful mentors. Who are stronger than their fears, their anger, and their anxiety, who hold the fort, who are always a safe place to fall, and who keep their own boundaries and parameters healthy and intact.

They need adults around them who are stronger than the chaos and negativity outside the front door, and who will teach them to keep their own true identity, good humor, caring heart and creativity as they teach them to be self-disciplined, vigilant, and strong.
 
We need to be better than we really are, we need to try harder than we feel like it to be better human beings who are not living inside of our own emotional, anxiety, and control issues if we want our kids to learn how to be consistent, strong adults who know what good values and ethics are, why they're important, and how to navigate the world with all the different people in it.
Funny how we forget so quickly when we reach adulthood how the adults around us really made us feel when we were growing up, and how they each actually affected us for good or ill. Just because we looked up to someone doesn't mean they were a good influence, and vice versa. What definitely happened, though, was that they affected and influenced us, it's how we're made. Our subconscious knows the difference even if our conscious mind denies it.




~M.M.Black 2013

Narcissist/Controller Flag: Asking Questions But Countering The Answers

Narcissist/Controller Flag: Asking Questions But Countering The Answers (every time)

Controller: "What do you feel like for supper? Anything you want!"
Target: "Italian food!"
Controller: "How about Mexican."

C: "What kind of bird is that?"
T: "It's a yellow-bellied sapsucker."
C: "No it's not, it's some kind of pigeon."
T: "No, it's a yellow-bellied sapsucker."
C: "Whatever. Looks like a pigeon to me."

C: "Which singer do you like the best?"
T: "Steve Perry"
C: "Oh he sucks, and he's overrated. Robert Plant is way better."
T: "Also Whitney Houston"
C: "She was a druggie, I didn't like her voice, too squeaky."

C: "Where do you want to meet?"
T: "At the mall"
C: "How about at the commuter parking lot."
T: "Okay, we'll meet at the commuter parking lot."
C: "Let's meet at McDonald's"

C: "Which kind of donut do you want?"
T: "Boston Creme"
C: "Really? Why don't you want a jelly, they're better"

C: "Did you see the weather report?"
T: "They said it's going to rain."
C: "No, it's going to be nice out all day, see how the clouds are?"
T: "I don't know, that's what the report said, go look at the radar."
C: "No I don't need to look at the radar, I can tell by the sky."

C: "Want to go to the park tomorrow?"
T: "Sure! What time do you want to go?"
C: "Well I might have to work, and then I have to mow the lawn, and then I'm stopping at my friend's house. I'll let you know when I'm done."

It's all about CONTROL, control, control, and keeping control. The actual activities and information are not the real focus, and aren't important. The exchanges are just tactics to establish, maintain and reaffirm control.

One-Way-Communication: Narcissist Flag

Narcissist Flag, One-Way-Communication



Talking at length about bad things or good things that happened to them (relatively "normal")... seeking support, comfort, positive feedback, or celebration (completely "normal")...  making observations and information statements (pretty "normal").
All pretty normal; might seem a bit verbose, but that's not "Narcissism", that can just be personal communication style, even a family or regional communication style.
~
The Narc. part is in their response when the OTHER person shares THEIR good things or bad things that have happened to them, or makes observational or informational statements.
~
Talking about one's self, one's own experiences, or making observational statements during a conversation with a Narcissist means only one thing: the Narcissist is no longer in the spotlight, the direction of attention has SWITCHED from being on THEM to being on the OTHER PERSON. So the responses from them will range from invalidation to personal insults, to head-nodding, condescension, to unsolicited advice*, to countering, to talking over the person, to complete silence and total NON-response. Sometimes they aren't even listening at ALL, they are just waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can talk again.


~
Basically the only time during the conversation the Narcissist is being "nice" is when the other person is behaving like an audience: a cheerleader, a sympathetic ear, a novice beginner  who believes everything they say and has zero knowledge or experience of their own, a sycophant who hangs on their every word with no input or talent of their own.

*(unsolicited advice: the person did NOT ask for advice nor gave consent to hear any, but here it comes anyway, often condescending and presumptuous)

~
Narcissists seek "audience members", not reciprocal friendships. They seek compassion and sympathy from others, but not as peers, more like as parents who will cradle a favored child and protect them from the other "bad" siblings, or as a teacher who favors one of their students against the other "bad" students. In making observations and information statements, they fancy themselves "teachers", "experts", "Ones Who Have Arrived".

Therefore~ when their Audience Member starts telling something good that happened to them, or things they've accomplished or experienced, the Narcissist gets annoyed~ they're not supposed to be in the spotlight, they're supposed to stay down in the audience! How selfish of them to try to STEAL the spotlight!

When their sympathetic ear, shoulder, and cradle starts to tell about a painful or frustrating experience, or something they're sad about, the Narcissist again gets annoyed~ they're supposed to STAY in that listener/sympathizer role because NOTHING in their lives could EVER BE as bad as what the Narcissist has been through or is dealing with, they MUST BE making a huge deal out of nothing, and really need to grow a thicker skin, and stop being so pathetic, and stop trying to get sympathy...!!! (And stop talking about things the Narcissist has done to others... but that doesn't get announced out loud...)

When their novice beginner student displays some kind of "knowledge" or "experience", that means the Narcissist has to SWITCH ROLES and get off his or her Podium, which will not do. The Narcissist HAS TO BE the "Teacher", the "Expert", the "One Who Knows MORE", "The One Who Has More Experience or Skill". (That's why they TROLL, condescend, and constantly counter other people's blogs and posts.)  They can't just join a conversation and ADD their own point of view or experiences, or answer a question without condescension or insult; they have to say the person is "wrong" or "stupid".
(It's not Narcissism just because we disagree with someone politely, or when we stand up against someone who is spewing hate speech. It is Narcissism when a person is trying to hammer another person down or humiliate them because they want to be seen as "right".)

Who Is The Narcissist?

Ironically, Narcissists will accuse another person of being  narcissistic, self-centered, or arrogant when the other person doesn't agree with everything they say, even if it's about them personally, such as "your favorite color is green" or "you like seafood" or "you are angry because..." or "you aren't good at..." or "you don't know much about...". They will also accuse them of narcissism or arrogance when they don't put up with their countering and personal insults during a conversation. They seem oblivious to their hostile behavior and disrespectful treatment, and they don't seem to know how to share their own point of view or observations WITHOUT saying the other person is "wrong". They seem to think that if they have another point of view or additional experience, it means that anything outside of that is "incorrect". (If two people climbed the same mountain on opposite sides and one of them was a Narcissist, when they reported their different experiences, the Narcissist's experience would be the one that was "right", and the other's would be "wrong", and the Narcissist would really believe that to be so. They would counter the other person's account of their climb experience, and possibly even accuse them of making things up that didn't match the Narcissist's perception. They can't ADD the two experiences together, and can't conceive that someone knows something they don't, or has experienced something that they have not. it has to be "right" or "wrong". The exception to this is with a person they have placed on a pedestal as a superhuman "expert/guru" who is above everyone (in their minds). They will keep them on that pedestal and probably try to be associated with them and/or mimic them, ... unless they get to know them personally, and then that person will become a target as well eventually.)

Truly Superior

Perhaps the number one thing to keep in mind about Narcissists is that they honestly, literally, fully believe that they are BETTER THAN YOU. As in categorically. They believe they are a superior KIND of human being, and you're NOT. You are not one of them, you're just not, and you never will be (in their minds).
Why do they talk to you, then?

Well you might be a relative, so they're "stuck" with you, but you can see their disdain by the way they don't invite you to things, or constantly criticize and correct you, or leave you out of conversations and decisions, or treat you like you're incompetent, unstable, or just not good enough.
They might have mistaken you for one of THEM when they first met you, so they wanted to hook up with you and rule the world (according to THEIR plans, of course).
They might see you as a way to improve their IMAGE by association with you.
They might want to own you, like a pet, or a slave.
They might be fixated on having sex with you.
They might only talk to you when there's no one else around.
They might want something you have, anything at all, from money, to your car, your house, your family, your career, your reputation, your "power" (if they think you have some). It could even be your dog, or your friends; who knows.
They might want to get into places and associate with people that you have access to.
They might want to be YOUR "sidekick", and for you to be their "protector", parent, caretaker, bodyguard, provider.




~(If a Narcissist is reading this post right now, their reaction will most likely be eye-rolling or some kind of invalidation like "Oh brother, who cares?!", or defensive justification of the behavior they recognize like "Everyone does that!" or "Some people really ARE 'losers'!", or they'll adamantly deny they do any of these things, or ever have even come close to doing any of them, and could never, ever, ever, and anyone who does do them is EVIL and should be burned at the stake, or completely insane and should be locked away forever (deflection/projection/extreme reaction/lack of objectivity or empathy).)

Lack Of Self Control and Narcissism

If you can picture something you have a "weakness" for~ such as chocolate, or other sweets~ when you pass by the cookie tray, you know you "shouldn't", but you take one anyway. Same with other things, like breaking certain rules even though we know better, like turning right on red at a light that says "No Right On Red", or speeding, or bringing candy to the movie theater.

Now apply this "weakness" and "rule breaking" habits to relationships with PEOPLE. That's how Narcissists think.

"Well it's just one cookie".... Well, it's just one dance, just one sexually charged embrace, just one kiss, just one french kiss, just one bodily fluid exchange... no big DEAL... (as long as they get away with it... no one's going to find out, right? No harm no foul? What they don't know won't hurt them?...)

"The cashier didn't charge me for those socks, well it's just a couple of dollars".... Well, I didn't pay her back the money she loaned me, but I will eventually, when I get around to it, when I get some extra money, when I have nothing I want to buy for myself, it's just a few thousand dollars...

"It's normal not to tell your partner every little detail of your life when you're apart, you don't have to tell them every single thing"... Umm... I didn't tell you about buying the boat because I didn't think you'd mind... Umm... I didn't tell you about the party because you don't like that kind of thing.... Umm... I didn't tell you about the vacation with my "buddies" because, umm, you probably wouldn't want to go anyway... Uhh.. I didn't tell you about going to the bar with her/him because you don't really like that kind of atmosphere... Oh, I didn't tell you about the school play because I figured you'd be busy...

Because of their poor self-control and weak boundaries, many Narcissists become habitual liars in continuous covering up of their behaviors. They can become so habitual that they lose their awareness of the act of lying and fabrication, and end up living in a world of delusion that they fully expect others to SWALLOW. Amazingly, if someone does NOT swallow their Tall Tales, and even if they have irrefutable proof and several witnesses, the Narcissist will become ANGRY AT THEM. It's as if the non-believer is doing a HOSTILE DEED to them by "bursting their bubble", destroying their illusion. There is NO remorse for the trouble, disaster, and often devastation they have caused, their only emotion is about getting caught, and getting called out.

For Therapists and Recovery Seekers On Narcissism

This article by Gudrun Zomerland, MFT summarizes the condition of Narcissism and the effects that a Narcissist has on a close target, especially over time (child. partner). Gudrun mentions "mirror neurons" at the end of this well-written post, and explains briefly the large benefit a good therapist can give to a patient simply by paying attention to their inner self.
IMO, this subject can not be spoken of enough, and frankly is not talked about nearly enough. A person who has endured close "relationships" with Narcissists have been given skewed feedback, false feedback, or zero feedback, often over a very lengthy period of time. A child growing up in a Narcissist dynamic, (for example if one parent is a "Narcissist", or both, or other relatives are, or there is an ongoing situation such as severe illness that distracts the adults from raising the child properly, etc) has been given little or no accurate or positive feedback for a very long time.
Accurate and positive feedback are essential for ANY person to develop properly. It's much like playing catch with a person who either catches when you throw and then throws it back to you in the same friendly, calm manner, compared to playing catch with a person who isn't paying attention when you throw it half the time, or stands there with their glove on but their back turned, or feigns missing the ball in order to make it appear that you can't throw it straight, or misses it and blames you for throwing it "wrong", or catches it and whips it back very hard at you, or regularly throws it over your head and laughs or shakes their head.
After living in the second scenario for a very long time, a therapist who actually treats the patient with genuine respect, empathy, and accurate feedback, who does not condescend, who does not have a superiority complex, who does not see a patient as "lower" than themselves can, in itself, be one of the most effective healing "salves" there is. Being treated like a REAL person who belongs on Planet Earth, who's not some kind of insignificant person, who has a regular working brain in their head, who's ideas and words are actually HEARD and UNDERSTOOD by the another person (the therapist) and not judged, dissected, spat back out and used as evidence for their "instability" or "unworthiness" is what every human being needs and deserves. Targets of Narcissists have not received this basic respectful treatment that most others take for granted, and have been conditioned to believe, using skewed feedback, that they others PERCEIVE THEM AS less worthy, less intelligent, less capable, and undeserving of a normal (nevermind good) life. How much they have bought into this projection of unworthiness and incapability that has been thrust at them for so long is unique to the individual, and must be worked through over time. However accurate and positive feedback is essential to this process (which does not include attitudes of "I call it like I see it" on the part of the therapist... the patient has had quite enough of cold, unempathetic, arrogant, ego-based "tough love", don't you think?)  
Be sincerely respectful, be genuinely interested, treat them with true integrity the way you would treat a colleague you admire if they came in for a therapy session, or don't treat them at all. And if you don't understand that statement, or why it's important, then you need to find out, and quickly, if you want to be an effective therapist who actually helps clients heal.

Click anywhere below for the article: 

http://www.chinnstreetcounseling.com/zomerland/zomerland_17.shtml

Narcissism and Co-Narcissism

by Gudrun Zomerland, MFT More than anything else in my almost 20-year practice of psychotherapy, I have found that parental narcissism and the resulting lack of empathy and attunement with the child is what brings people into psychotherapy later as adults. In order to survive a narcissistic parent, children learn to tune out their own vulnerability, their own needs, and their own emotional world that would direct them toward their needs. Children learn to be close to the parent by either imitating the narcissistic parent and becoming like him or her (a narcissist), or by tuning into the parent's bottomless need for positive self-reflection (co-narcissist). Children who have adopted the latter survival mechanism will later on in life choose other narcissists or other people with strong narcissistic tendencies to bond with in order to fulfill

Narcissism and Dismissing Causality

One of the things that is either difficult, or uninteresting, for most Narcissists (but not necessarily sociopaths) is the concept of Cause and Effect, or Causality.
Why this is so may be a combination of things, from a lack of instant gratification and supply, to avoidance and denial, to simple boredom, to cognitive confusion and discomfort.
Finding out why and how things really happen may seem like a waste of time and energy to them, or may just be too confusing. 





The Narcissist does not want to know why their partner was late, and it's never a good enough reason anyway~ they are just angry that he or she was late, and now they feel uncomfortable. The "why" their partner was late is irrelevant to them because it didn't happen TO THEM. The "why" they now feel uncomfortable and angry is also uninteresting (or confusing), and therefore in the "avoid exploring" category.

The Narcissist does not care about the reason their partner or child is upset, he or she is just annoyed that this "mood swing" is "wrecking" their personal atmosphere and expectations. 


The Narcissist doesn't care about why their relative is having trouble with depression, it's just assumed that they're "crazy", and must be either hidden from others finding out, or the relative must be smeared/slandered so no one thinks the Narcissist is anything like them ("crazy"...).  (Narcissists will do this even if they know full well that the relative suffered trauma, neglect, or abuse, and even moreso if the Narc. was one of the perpetrators).

The Narcissist does not care about the bakery staff who makes the elaborate cake for their celebration, or the painstaking process, or the hundreds of things that could go wrong in that process or on the way to the event.

The Narcissist does not care how much work the artist put into a painting, how long it took, how much process was involved, or how difficult it actually would be for HIM or HER to do such work; the only thing that enters their mind is whether they like it or not personally~ which they interpret as objective fact. (The other thing that might enter their mind is envy toward the artist.)

The Narcissist does not care how or why a person is not as financially successful as he or she is~ they just ASSUME that they aren't because they're a "lower" kind of person; they're not as smart or capable. Finding out about the actual life events the person has lived through is completely uninteresting to them, and they will dismiss it all anyway, favoring their "loser" theory. (Funny how they don't apply this to themselves when someone else is more successful than they are~)



The Narcissist who is not successful assumes that those who are wealthy, successful, or educated were all just born into it, that they did nothing to earn it or keep it, that they did nothing to earn anything they have or have achieved. They just ARE the 'wealthy/educated KIND of people", and they don't "deserve" what they have. (But apparently the Narcissist would deserve it if he or she had that wealth or success~ apparently he or she would be the only one who deserved it, since no one else does who already has it...)

The Narcissist does not even apply causality to themselves; not in a realistic way, anyway. They will often ignore, dismiss, and delete most of the help and support they received from others while reaching a goal, and actually believe that they did it ALL themselves, every step of the way. Learning new skills and information also reflects this glitch in their processing; they will learn a skill from a teacher, and upon gaining confidence in this new skill, they will immediately seem to believe that they are a long experienced "expert", that this skill is "natural" to them, that no one really "taught" them, and that anyone who doesn't know this skill is stupid and ignorant (once again, "lower" than them). 


Any certificate, degrees, and recognition they earn are seen as badges proving their "superiority", and they will often claim superior intellect, experience, and knowledge over any person who does not have the same "level" of degree, (while at the same time usually diminishing and downplaying the degrees, certificates, and recognitions of those who have more or higher degrees than they do. In fact, if a Narcissist is reading this paragraph right now, they are probably arguing "but that IS what degrees and certificates mean! That I'm smarter, more experienced, and more knowledgeable!" Explaining why it doesn't would take another blog post.)

They seem to mentally DELETE 'process' and causality:
The girl who is a prostitute in the street was born that way~
The old man who lives only with his dog is alone because he's crazy, or old, or no one likes him~
The wealthy developer in town is just a better KIND of human being than the rest of the townsfolk~
The child who won the State Spelling Bee is just a brainiac freak~
The homeless woman downtown who sits on the bench was just born to be that way~
Their own career is successful because they are just that good KIND of human being.
Etc., etc.

Nothing happened to CAUSE anything, everything just IS because it IS. 

Rain just falls, the sun just shines, people are just stupid or ignorant if they don't agree with my exact point of view, people just drop out of the sky the way they are, and the way their lives are.

Creepy Monkey Judging

I have found more women to judge others as "inferior" or "superior" based on height and size, instead of actually finding out about the person, although I've met plenty of men who do this as well. It also seems that the very tall and the very short are much less likely to have this affliction, presumably because they know it's ridiculous and baseless. It's extremely creepy to me, frankly. I have seen with my own eyes countless times where people will assume to an absolutely SILLY degree (not just toward myself) that a taller person is UBER capable and a short person is clueless and practically disabled, and that's about ANYTHING at all~ and a heavy person is clueless and silly compared to a "physically fit" person who they treat as (again) UBER capable, and very thin (especially thin, tall people) get treated like they're unstable, stupid, and/or about to break like a twig compared to a heavier or average height person. Phenomenal ignorant and SCARY, frankly, and evidence that many humans are much less sentient and aware of reality than they seem to believe.

The REALLY interesting thing about it is how they don't apply this to THEMSELVES. They will project "incapable", "frail", "weak", "clueless" or "childlike" onto a person who's shorter than themselves, but mysteriously forget ALL ABOUT THAT when a person who is taller than THEY ARE are talking to them. Interesting how that works...
(Oh and please don't defend yourself, or defend people who do it, it just gives it away that you do it. The meaning of Sentience is Self Aware, if you're sentient, you can CONTROL your monkey instincts and NOT DO THEM, in the same way I control mine by refraining from knocking out the teeth of those who are blatantly disrespectful to my face because they think it's "okay" because I'm smaller than them.)

http://www.helium.com/items/1407018-how-people-judge-you-by-your-appearance

About Children

Expecting children to mature beyond the example their elders set for them makes no sense. Fortunately, many do anyway, seeking role models and guidance from other sources. Unfortunately, some meet up with the wrong people in their search, and end up in worse circumstances than they were already in, because there was no way to know what they were getting into. For a child who is seeking mentors and... guidance, this IS their first rodeo, so they have no idea, and no way to know who is genuine and who's a manipulator. Blaming children for mistaken steps on their paths as if they're adults who 'should have known better", especially when they have no adults who are grown up enough to guide them in a constructive way, is one of the more blatant signs of immaturity. 

~MMBlack

 "I’m always saddened when children and young adults are treated disrespectfully – even though being young is a passing human condition, children can grow into life-long Friends. I believe that if You want to be Friends with a child or an adolescent, listen to what they have to say. Be interested in what they do. Treat them like the interesting human beings they are. In our society respect is mos...t often linked to hierarchy. It seems that You are expected to be respectful to those ‘above’ You, but nobody seems to care if You treat those You consider ‘below’ You with familiarity or even disdain. Well, that doesn’t work for making Friends! How about treating everyone with respect if they have earned it ...including children and young adults? I like that much better."

~Denise Pinto Chenier

Countering, Arguing, Need To Win

"Countering" is when a person automatically says "black" when you say "white", it's a "keeping control' habit, it has nothing to do with the actual subject you're talking about.
If I say "black" and a person who counters says "white", and then I said "you're right, it's white" then they would say "no it's not , it's grey."
~
It's not about the topic, it's a "sparring match" and they are just trying to WIN, but there IS nothing to win, the only one "competing" is them. The "sparring match" is in their own head.
~
This is why nothing ever gets resolved, nothing ever gets planned and carried out, there are never any productive conversations, projects always get destroyed and scrapped. This is why when you talk about something good that you did they have to top you, or when you talk about something bad that upset you they have to top it or diminish it.
~
It can also take the form of "advice-giving", but this "advice" always implies that you're a novice, you're just weak or oversensitive, that it's all your fault, that you don't know what's going on or what the best information is (but they do), or that you're just a beginner and they're an expert (no matter what the subject).
~
People who aren't actually "Narcissists" can do this, and often do, it's easy to pick up when others are doing it all around you, it can just seem like "normal" behavior. We can pick it up because someone keeps doing it TO us, so we learn to do it back just to deal with it. It can be embarrassing when you realize you've been doing this, but it's not that hard to fix. There's no need for a big production of admission and apology to everyone, just mostly to one's self. Not doing it anymore, and learning how to communicate politely and respectfully is usually enough.
~
The picture that comes to mind is two people playing tennis. The countering person hits every ball back as hard as they can, trying to hit the other person with it, or make it go over their heads so they can't reach it, or hit it far out of the field so they have to go get it. This is not a friendly game of tennis, this is just one person trying to use the game of tennis to dominate the other. And in the same way, if the other person says "I've had enough, I'm leaving", the countering/dominator person will say "Oh sure, you're just a poor sport! You always leave!"
If and when the countering/dominator person finally realizes what they're doing, they can look at it squarely, and just stop trying to "dominate", let go of the aggression, and see what the REAL game of Tennis is all about. The friendly kind, where both people just want to play and enjoy the dynamic BETWEEN them.
~
The obsession with "winning" and "dominating" just to feel worthy, and to get a certain neurochemical rush, is one of the biggest causes of all kinds of problems in human relationships, communities, and organizations.
~
It's the real reason behind War. Countering dominators who are looking for the chemical rush they get from "winning" and "gaining" and "dominating" can't negotiate, share, or compromise, and may not even want to, because they know they won't get that HIGH they crave.

Controller/Narcissist Tactic; Interception

A clever (diabolical) little trick that many Controllers/Narcissists play on targets:
Hiding invitations to events, not relaying messages from other people, not telling that someone called, giving only part of a message but not the whole thing, "editing" relayed messages to give a different impression than was intended.

This practice kills several birds with one stone.
First, the target does n...ot receive the invitation or message that was intended for them. This can be life changing for the target, especially since most people will not follow up to see if the target actually received the invitation or message, they will just assume that it was received, even if it was important.

Second, the invitation or message sender does not receive a response from the target, so it appears to them that the target doesn't CARE. (Again, most people don't follow up, they just assume, which is why these tactics work so well.)
In most Controller/Narc. dynamics, the Controller makes a point of intercepting as much direct communication to the target as possible. The Controller actually "trains" people, very quickly, to go THROUGH THEM to communicate with the target. It's all subtle actions, signals, and implications about the target ("you don't want to talk to her, she's in a mood") so most people don't realize they're being diverted.

So, if they do try to find out if the target got the invitation or message, who do they usually ask...? Not the target, but the Controller. So of COURSE the Controller is going to say "I gave it to him/her, I don't know why he/she didn't get back to you." (and then some kind of derogatory comment for good measure, such as "Well he/she's probably 'too BUSY"...")

Unanswered messages and invitations strike people right in the heart and the ego. It seems that the person is so self-absorbed (or unstable) that they just don't care, can't be bothered, or are very arrogant.

The more messages and invitations that are intercepted, edited, and diverted, the more the target appears uncaring to everyone else, and will believe whatever the Controller says about them because they're already feeling "miffed" by the target's apparent disrespect and disdain toward them. Others build up fictional negativity about the target in their imaginations, and the Controller is only too happy to fill in the blanks and make up "reasons" why the target is SO hard to get along with, and SO uncaring and self-centered. Eventually, when this keeps going on and on, the target finds themselves isolated, with an inexplicably tarnished reputation that's not anywhere near reality. People mysteriously treat the target like they don't belong, like they aren't welcome, like they're not "good enough" or stable enough, or trustworthy enough to be part of their group, but it's because all of that has been IMPLIED for so long, and "proven" with unanswered invitations and messages. And it's also because they don't bother to find out anything for themselves.

Seems like a LOT of work for the Controller, but it's not at all, it's something they enjoy, or are used to doing, the way other people enjoy cooking or fishing. They usually grew up doing this, and often had accomplices in childhood. They may have done it to deal with a dysfunctional environment or individual. It was a game to them that they never stopped playing, or a way to survive from a child's point of view.

Of course this wouldn't happen if so many people were not so willing to believe negative things about others, but they are because they get a neurochemical reward from it (Us vs. Them), and this is what Controllers play on to accomplish their goals.This is one of the common tactics that is used to isolate a target from others. (Relationship notwithstanding, it can be any kind of relationship at all.)

Denial

Ignoring and dismissing the Light and the Good because one is focused on the Darkness and the Bad is the same naivete as the other way around. They are two sides of the same coin. Some will try to pretend there is no Darkness, and some will try to pretend there is no Light. Some will refuse to listen to or look at anything that does not align with the way they want the world to be. When we are not in Ego, when we are in serenity, we are able to view all that is around us with calm objectivity, and simply learn about what is there, without embracing or rejecting anything.


~M.M.Black

"Why Are Women Biased Against Other Women?"

Excellent article by E. Christakis M.P.H., M.Ed., an early-childhood educator, public-health advocate and lecturer at Yale University. Her column for TIME Ideas usually appears on Tuesdays. You can read more of her work at ErikaChristakis.com.

CLICK HERE for "Why Are Women Biased Against Other Women?"
http://ideas.time.com/2012/10/04/womens-inhumanity-to-women/

Easy Red Flag For Spotting Narcissism Or Controllers

Treating you like you don't know something, or are inexperienced, physically weaker, less intelligent, or less aware than themselves. Talking "down" to you. Speaking to you as if they are an adult or a "master", and you are a child or a "beginner".

They will often mask this with smiles and sweetness, so it can be easy to miss with the more socially savvy Narcissists. But you'll catch it if you pay attention.

Basic protection 101: DO NOT TRUST ANYONE you have not truly gotten to know over a good period of time, and from many direct interactions between them and you. Lots of time and lots of interaction is how we build mutual trust, and find out what a person is really like, from a safe distance. If they are healthy mentally and emotionally, they will be doing the same thing, they won't be trying to invade your boundaries, tell you what to do, judge you, or control you (that would be a flag).
Hormones interfere with this process because we are biological creatures who's subconscious seeks to reproduce more human beings, and we actually SHUT DOWN our own processes of learning about other people, and getting to know who and what they really are (both male and female, and it happens regarding all relationships, not just romantic)
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Pee Wee Herman Had It Right! Narcissists Don't Want To Hear Your Complaints (But Love Their Own)

Narcissists are all about how THEY get treated by others, but seem oblivious to the way others get treated.
They are very watchful and even hyper-sensitive to the way others treat them and interact with one another; if you had a conversation about it with one they might seem very empathetic and aware. However, start talking about how someone treated YOU, and you will see quite a different reactio...n.
They often interpret the behavior of others to be disrespectful, hostile, unfair or abusive toward them, often when it was quite the opposite, and they often project all kinds of negative connotations and intentions on what others say and do, especially if the person is someone they ENVY or FEAR.

However! Let someone they consider "below them" talk about unfairness, disrespect, injustice or crime toward them, and the reaction will be complete invalidation and rejection, no matter what the incident or situation was, or how severe the behavior. The Narcissist will metaphorically put his or her hands over their ears and go "Lalalalalaa!" like Paul Reubens used to do. 






No matter what the situation was, or what the events were, Narcissists will almost always blame the victim or target, unless they have something to gain by sympathizing with the victim.

So when your Narc. friend doesn't seem to care how his or her other friends or family members treat you, it's because he/she DOESN"T CARE.

To stand up for you would be too much work, and you're not worth that to a Narc. It wouldn't GAIN THEM anything, which is very important, and it might actually COST them something, like status, position, or admiration. They also might be afraid of those people, since it's not uncommon for Narcissists to have the same pattern as Narc. targets in choosing "friends" and partners; their associates might also be Narcs who are just waiting for an excuse to 'bite'. And further, the odds are that they are actually enjoying the fact that you are getting treated with disrespect.

The Narcissist can't do checks and balances.
He or she is not going to say "Hey all your friends and acquaintances treat me with respect and kindness, but many of mine treat you with total disdain or disrespect, that's not fair!"

They aren't going to say "Hey you are always polite and considerate to me, and keep your word to me, and help me when I ask. I respect you for that, and I will also treat you with the same consideration and respect."

They aren't going to say "Hey I noticed that waitress, clerk, salesperson, or other person treated me with respect, but treated you with DISRESPECT."

They don't CARE, and they probably LIKE IT anyway, because they see it as them getting elevated and you getting "kept in your place."
(Narcissists are usually obsessed with 'hierarchy' and feel GOOD when a person treats them better than someone else, even what the person being disrespected is their own child, friend, partner, or relative. It reaffirms their feeling of self-importance, which is what they substitute for their missing self-esteem.)

Categorizing Human Beings

Labeling, categorizing, and grouping is good for those with Narcissistic agendas.

Another product of growing up in a dysfunctional environment, whether it was family or community, is being 'taught' that people belong in CATEGORIES. This categorizing puts people in GROUPS, and FORGETS that they are individual human beings.

The "rich people", the "poor people", the "criminal people", the "churc...h people", the "politician people", etc, etc.

People also get categorized by race and sex.

Other CATEGORY groups can include "druggies", "yuppies", "working stiffs", "bikers", "preps", "gangbangers", "hippies", "ruling class", "losers", "winners", ~ the list goes on and on.

Entire generations get labels put on them, usually by someone who is NOT part of that generation; someone who has no way to know what the individuals in that age group experienced growing up. (Narcissists believe they can see completely from someone else's point of view, and also see everything there is to see about any given subject; it doesn't occur to them that they CAN'T.)

This habit of categorizing people is simply the brain's way to turn people into members of groups, and ignore their individuality, making it easier for the mind to deal with all the different people around us. The brain simply DELETES REAL information about other people, and wraps them in an easy-to-swallow story that feels good to the ego.

On the other side of this same coin, people often put THEMSELVES in groups in order to FIT IN, to be seen as a certain "KIND" of person, and to be accepted by their community AND/OR their peers. Often the goal includes being admired or respected above others. ("I am one of THESE people, so you should respect/admire/fear/accept me, and therefore automatically give me better treatment").

A large majority of people will automatically treat others differently if they think they're part of a GROUP, (any group, even as simple as sex or race), for GOOD or for ILL.
Also, members of any group will usually treat a member differently than a non-member.
The less secure individuals feel in a given community or group, the MORE they behave this way.

The more Narcissists there are in a given area, the more common it is for the people in the area to put group labels on other people. Also, the more likely people in that area will try to make themselves known as belonging to a certain group, because it affords some protection from Narcissist targeting (any kind of group at all, from the Masons to the Junior League, to the Tennis Club, to organized crime groups, to the local gang, to less organized cliques and groups where everyone dresses similarly, talks similarly, and does the same activities). Narcissists are less likely to target individuals who appear to have some kind of support network, and human beings LEARN THIS while they're growing up, even if they're not consciously aware of it.

Ironically... the increase in an area of people seeking to be seen as part of a group, and labeling other people, actually makes it EASIER for Narcissists to keep control in that area. Each group, large or small, has a leader, and that's what Narcissists do best, control other people. If there is a Narc. in the group, he or she WILL try to take the Leader position, regardless of their actual level (or lack thereof) of experience, knowledge, or ability.

To combat the ease of which Narcissists gain control, we can start with ourselves by becoming more vigilant about labeling and grouping others, and about labeling and grouping ourselves. When we aren't doing it anymore, when we start remembering that each person is an INDIVIDUAL, and not merely a member of a category or group, then we can teach and model this for others, especially children.

When Narcissists are around, the real abilities, behaviors, and character of all individuals get covered up and buried, so that Narcissists can end up looking like the most capable, the most noble, the most innocent, and the most intelligent. Those who the Narcissists are competing with get painted as incapable, weak, unstable, and untrustworthy. So, when EVERYONE is recognized as an individual person by the majority, and not some kind of clone that fits into a certain group, then the real abilities and capabilities can be seen by all, AS WELL AS the real agendas and behaviors.

Male-Biased Culture Is Not Good For Boys Either

Denying that Western culture is heavily male-biased is just a symptom of the bias-conditioning itself, and contributes greatly to the Narcissism epidemic. It's not "feminism" or "fem-nazi-ism", or any other "ism", it's just reality. And it's not good for either boys or girls~ bias is imbalance, pure and simple, and that means the entire society is thrown off. Imbalance creates MORE imbalance, especially when it's denied.

If the local high schools' sports programs are focused more on boys' sports, that's male bias.

When the local newspaper covers more boys' and men's sports stories than girls' and women's sports stories, that's male bias.

These are not private little groups, they are public, and they heavily influence the entire lives of ALL of the youth, and the adults as well - both men and women, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives.

There are hundreds if not thousands of similar examples in both public and private groups, organizations, and businesses. However as with any kind of bias that's baked into the subconscious, most people can't even MAKE themselves look at it in any kind of direct, non-defensive or non-emotional way, the way they look at their financial statements, clean their kitchen, or solve a problem at work.

Bias FOR one sex over the other in a culture means a very important thing~ that children must SPLIT their own identities, and are being told to REJECT one parent, and FAVOR the other. And the same with all other members of their family, and anyone else in their community. Healthy children in healthy families identify with BOTH parents, and internalize all members of their family as part of "who they are". Sex bias HAS TO result in the  rejecting and diminishing of those who are cast into the "lesser" role, which results in the SPLITTING of the SELF.

When the child becomes aware that their community sees the members of one sex as "lesser" than the other, both the male and female child go into a crisis of identity; the male child suddenly feels that he must DISTANCE himself from his own identity with his Mother, which, like all babies who's mother was their primary caregiver, is an integral and internal part of his SELF, his OWN identity. He feels the need to distance and separate himself from other female relatives as well, and other females he looked up to, or was good friends with, in order to preserve his feelings of SELF WORTH. He is told he must CHOOSE males over females, and he must CHANGE HIMSELF and PROVE that he is "one of the males" and NOT "one of the females".
Obviously this wreaks all kinds of havoc on the poor child's sense of who he is, and who his family is. It is implied very strongly that he should ONLY "follow" and listen to males, and that he can compensate for this painful and abrupt forced identity change by taking out his negative feelings on females, as if they are to blame for his pain and discomfort; even the ones he previously deeply respected.
This is not "natural", it's agenda-based, and it causes serious problems for the child, and in society in general, as we can clearly see just by turning on the news.

For the female child, her identity crisis is a shocking realization that she is a member of the group that is being cast as "lesser" by a large majority of the humans around her. To further this shock, she also finds out that most of those who she relies on and loves are NOT standing up for her against this phenomenal, incredible imbalance and injustice. She must come to the realization that her own mother is being cast as "lesser", and that her own father is quite likely one of the people who are perpetuating this frightening culture-wide anti-female bias, if not by actively doing it, then by refusing to stand up against it when he encounters it, or when it happens to her directly, and by going along with it.
One of the things she must change about herself in order to remain accepted as "normal' in such a culture is to LET PEOPLE treat her as "lesser", and adapt different behaviors that are not natural to a healthy and confident human being. Behaviors such as submission, deference, feigning ignorance, letting others "win", bowing out of competition and debate, backing away from challenges, learning, and activities. Many female children change themselves from being a strong, confident, optimistic, activity and task-oriented child to mimicking other females who seem to get treated with more favorable attention by others, especailly by adults, and by boys. This behavior often entails a 180 degree switch, which is of course unhealthy for anyone.
Amazingly, few adults seem to "take notice" of this switch, but instead completely deny and ignore what's really happening, and call female adolescents "moody", "stubborn", and "headstrong". They will even complain about, fight with, and seek psychiatric help for their young female family member or student, but seem to have NO interest in what's really causing any of it.They seem fixated on blaming the female child, which apparently allows them to deny any and all external events that are and have happened TO the female child.

The level of this IDENTITY CRISIS and SPLITTING in children of course varies from culture to culture, depending on the severity of the bias and anti-bias in each culture. 

Who keeps this bias going? BOTH men and women who like the way things are because it keeps them feeling powerful. In male-biased societies, both men and women who seek and maintain power like to keep the "status quo" going, because it allows them to lord over half the population.

WHY do they keep these particular sex-biases going? There are several reasons, none of which are based on the well-being of the children, or their healthy development.
It is based on what CONTROLLERS want the children to end up doing FOR THEM when they grow up. So, boys who are shamed for being anything other than "tough", "fast", or "uncaring" make excellent work-horses, and better soldiers. Being conditioned to FIT IN with other males means they will feel compelled to keep the approval of their group. Being conditioned to ONLY LISTEN TO AND FOLLOW MALE LEADERS means they will DO WHAT THEY'RE TOLD when a man gives them orders and instructions, and will NOT LISTEN when ANY woman gives them INFORMATION. Therefore they will follow a MAN OFF OF A CLIFF and IGNORE THE WOMAN WHO IS YELLING "STOP! DON'T FOLLOW HIM!" This conditioning dynamic can be clearly seen in groups such as organized crime; a son who has been conditioned to follow male "leadership", for example, and IGNORE females, is MUCH EASIER TO CONTROL, and will not listen to any of the women in his family, regardless of how much they know, or WHAT they know. A son who is conditioned in this way will want to "prove" that he is "worthy" of the approval of the males, and do what they tell him to do, even while his mother is clearly warning him about the REALITY of the males he's following because she knows first-hand what their intentions, motives and agendas are. He will ignore her, and follow them right into prison, and right into an extremely stressful TRAP of a life, with or without money.

Girls who are shamed for being anything other than "compliant", "submissive", "care taking" and "deferring" make excellent SIDE-KICKS for males who are being controlled by other males. They are much easier to control with social consequences and game playing, and fear standing up for themselves or for others. This means they will FILL JOBS for LOW PAY, especially jobs that others don't want to do. They will fill care-taker jobs regardless of what their REAL interests are, and regardless of their original career trajectory. They will abandon interests that are labeled "male" in order to avoid consequences such as belittling, rejection, and bullying, leaving those jobs open for males, who have been conditioned to do what they're told by other males.

Both girls and boys are conditioned to see females as "Lesser", therefore BOTH women and men reject receiving information and instruction from females quite often, and will listen to and believe males very quickly and easily, often without any basis other than the fact that their male. (You can test this on yourself if you're able to remain objective and really pay attention, most of us have been conditioned in this way). Both women and men try much harder to dominate females in all kinds of ways, from socially to physically to business to raising children, because of this conditioning.
Both will avoid confrontation, disagreement, or non-compliance with males (regarding anything) about ten times more often than they will avoid them with females, and physical size (both height and weight) also increase the likelihood of avoidance. 

BOTH male and female Controllers benefit from male-biased cultures.
~Most males know they will automatically be favored over the majority of females by BOTH men and women on a general basis. This means they will be listened to and BELIEVED over females, they will get more positive attention, credit, applause, and support from both men and women, they will have access to more resources, more business, and more "back-room perks". They have access to more supportive groups and clubs (if they want to join them).
Their competition in business and in social acceptance is cut IN HALF, right from the get-go. They know if they stay inside of Male groups (especially in business), they will not have to compete against females, because females are kept out. (This is the spot where those who benefit from male-bias will argue that there are "legitimate reasons" for keeping females out of whatever group~)

~Female Controllers know that they can easily sabotage, manipulate, and dominate other females they target, because females do not have the same support as males in the community, or even in many families. The likelihood of being stood up against or receiving negative consequences is very small, so it's relatively safe and easy.
Female Controllers will often align themselves with males and receive some of the benefits of the male-biased culture BY PROXY.
They know this~ and they don't want it to change.
Why? Because being SECOND to the "Leader" is better than being the "Leader" for a Controller, because the second-in-command can use the Leader as a SHIELD,  can hide behind the Leader, can pretend to be as knowledgeable, as strong, and as experienced as this Leader. The Second In Command can use the influence, control, and bias the Leader has over others as her own, especially over other FEMALES. History actually shows that male leaders are more likely to allow a Second In Command person (usually MALE) to pull strings, manipulate, and carry out agendas than female leaders, which is also a very important reason that Controllers would RATHER have a male Leader than a female Leader; they're apparently easier to manipulate.

It is RARE that males will stand up for females against female Control behavior, or against male Control behavior for that matter. The risk of losing status or favor often outweighs the care they have for female persons. Therefore in male-biased cultures, it's open season on females, because the only ones usually standing up for females against disrespect, injustice, unfairness, slander, sabotage, theft, mobbing, and even abuse is other females, and usually only those females who don't have Control, ego, or envy issues. Further, females who stand up for other females against any kind of disrespect or injustice often become an immediate target as well, so even less people are left to stand up~ only those who can stand to take the ostracism and attacking that comes with standing up for others.

Studies have shown that it is more often females than males who stand up against disrespect and attack on MALES as well. However, they are more likely to receive support from others, because it is, after all, a male who they are standing up for. In fact, Controller females will often USE this tactic purposely to gain favor from a male, and align herself with him. (Of course male Controllers sometimes use this tactic as well on females.)

ALL MALES are not guilty of perpetuating the male bias in cultures. There are plenty who see it for what it is, and do everything they can NOT to go along with it.
The tide is strong, however; there are many, many more people who will keep it going than stop it in this current era, just because their own comfort and status quo is their priority, and their fear of risking disapproval from others is too much for them.

US vs. THEM, Developmental Delays

The habit of judging others to be "lesser" is of course much used by those afflicted with Narcissism, and also those who don't have "NPD", but who have not matured past the stage of categorizing people.

"I am one of the Good People, he/she is one of those Other People"
"Winners or Losers"
"Strong or Weak"
"Smart or Stupid"
"Skilled or Unskilled"
"Leader or Follower"
"Boss or Subordinate"
"Sane or Crazy"
"Innocent or Guilty"
"Clean or Unclean"
"Superior or Inferior"
"Experienced or Inexperienced"
"Talented or Untalented"
"Deserving or Undeserving"
"Normal or Weird"
"Capable or Incapable"

Etc, etc, etc.

This categorizing and labeling of people into "good" or "bad" groups is actually a developmental stage in childhood, when children are noticing that there are differences between people. The desire to be ACCEPTED by their peers, by their family, and by the community is the driving force behind their labeling others and labeling themselves.
This development runs throughout youth, but seems to peak in adolescence.
"WE are the cool kids, THEY are the jerks"
"WE are the strong ones, THEY are weaker than we are"
"WE are capable, THEY are not"
"WE are stable and responsible, THEY are LOSERS"

In many cultures, unfortunately, this developmental stage becomes a part of the culture itself when adults don't grow out of it and continue to remain in this stage throughout much of their lives. Adults who conduct themselves in this way are not able to guide and model mature behavior to the youths around them, and instead demonstrate that this stage is (erroneously) part of adulthood.

Adults often get stuck in this stage for various reasons, one of which is obviously because some of the adults they grew up around were stuck there also. Other reasons (which are related to the first one) include atmospheres of micro-judgment, of gossip and backstabbing, of bullying, and of criminal behavior. In such atmospheres, the child may FEAR being categorized as OTHER, because there will be consequences if they are from the immature people around them. Being categorized as "NOT ONE OF US" can end up with severe consequences such as reputation destruction, ostracism, sabotage, and even criminal harassment, assault, and theft. The less maturity and more fear a certain group has (family, community, society), the more severe the consequences.

Adults who hammer children with their "US vs. THEM" personal issues, and teach children to identify themselves as GROUP MEMBERS (race, ancestry, class, gender, activities, religion, politics) instead of as INDIVIDUALS exacerbate this developmental delay tremendously.

Teaching youth that they are "better" because they are NOT "one of those other people" (sex, class, religion, etc.) does not actually raise self-esteem and confidence, but instead causes a feeling of separation, and frequently causes identity confusion, even self-loathing. It also substitutes arrogance for confidence.

Arrogance is not healthy for the person who carries it, but confidence is. Arrogance causes a person to think in terms of "I'm good only if I'm better than someone else", confidence is "I'm good, and I feel comfortable with myself, and I like to learn from others." Arrogance seeks weakness in others in order to feel strong; confidence notices when someone else might need help, but honestly feels no haughtiness about being stronger in something than another. Arrogance seeks to STAY stronger in something than another, and fears the other being stronger. Confidence likes it when another becomes stronger in themselves, even if they become "better at" something than them. Arrogance can only feel good and normal if it has someone to compare itself to. Confidence feels good and normal no matter what.

Three Blondes Walk Into A Bar

Anti-blonde prejudice and stereotyping is one of the most common examples of projection. The coincidence of anti-blond jokes and ridicule being so common that they're practically "normalized", combined with the fact that the most common hair color treatment is blonde, is too obvious to ignore.
Where does anti-blonde prejudice and desire to belittle come from, and why do people so adamantly deny that there's anything wrong with it? On the flip side, if having blonde hair means a person is not smart, or unstable, then why do so many people dye their hair blonde?
Why are human beings so fixated on something as superficial and simplistic as the color of a person's hair, especially when it's so easy to change?
What is the emotional issue that so many people have regarding this?
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