Along With The Crowd

It's an automatic Human behavior to try to fit in with the surrounding crowd, because of the fact that we're social primates.
In the 'wild', not fitting in with the group means risk of rejection or attack, even ostracism, which can result in death.
Those who have less self-awareness, weaker boundaries, and a weaker "moral compass" are much more prone to follow along with whatever the crowd around them is doing, regardless of what they're doing or whether they're causing danger or harm to themselves or to others.

It takes stronger character, self-awareness, self-respect, care for others, and comprehension of the reasons for integrity and ethics, values and civility to refuse to go along with whatever the crowd is doing or whatever they command, and to stand up for others who are being treated poorly.

Many simply identify the crowd they're in as the "good people crowd", and don't actually pay attention to what's really going on and what people are really doing. They categorize everything their "good people crowd" is doing as automatically "okay" or "right".

Losers, Black Sheep, Scapegoats: ICKY

Hard one for me to wrap my mind around, but true:

Many with superiority complex issues actually see other people, even their own children and other relatives, as "ICKY".
The way they see toads, rodents, snakes, insects (and often even birds) as "ICKY".

And when it's not about "ICKY", it's "crazy", "stupid", "weak" or "incapable"; categorically inferior creatures that one doesn't want to touch too much, do things with, listen to, GIVE assistance or support to, GET assistance or support FROM (at least not with others knowing about it), or be ASSOCIATED with by others.

My daughter/son/nephew/niece/brother/sister/cousin the LOSER, the WEIRDO, the FREAK... WE don't associate with the likes of her or him.

That kid in school, that neighbor girl, that coworker, that person at church. Ew, they're gross, they're weird, they're different, they're not like us, don't touch them, don't talk to them, don't let people see you talk to them, don't treat them with respect, kindness, or civility.

As if people (or animals) are valued the same way gems are; by element, size, weight, color, clarity and cut.
Diamonds are more valuable than rubies, then sapphires, emeralds, pearls, and opals...
Then each gem is valued individually with the four C's.

They'll also judge a person as "ICKY", "weird", or "inferior" for not going along with this judging and rejecting, for standing up for others, and for treating people and animals whom they've judged "ICKY", "weird", or "inferior" with common civility or care. (So if you don't join them in rejecting the "weirdo", or scapegoating or bullying a target, and especially if you stand up for the person (OR ANIMAL) that they're attacking or rejecting, they'll reject YOU, too. You become a weirdo/scapegoat by default, and like you're only standing up for them because you must be an Icky or Crazy too. They can't comprehend true compassion, fairness, or civility.)

(It's very important to understand that this projection of inferiority has absolutely nothing to do with the person who's being seen or treated as an inferior creature, and EVERYTHING to do with emotional or mental illness of those projecting the judgment. It can also be attributed to developmental delay, and can often be seen in the "mentally challenged". For example one caregiver or health worker will be accepted by a Client, and another will be rejected by them for no discernible reason except that the worker, who seems clean, kind, and "normal" to everyone else, seems to creep or gross the client out. It does happen that a Client will like and trust a caregiver/worker who really doesn't do a good job or care about them, and reject one who does.).

Control And Bully Tactic: Double Binds

Double binds are a favorite control tactic of narcissists and bullies. They love to give advice, and then treat the person they gave the advice to like they're doing something wrong, stupid, or shameful when they follow it.

Like "You need to stand up for yourself!"
~Then when the person stands up for themselves, they are criticized and belittled.

"If you need help, don't be afraid to ask!"
~Then when the person follows this "sage" advice and asks for help, that same controller will act like the person is being demanding, needy, pathetic, or asking for a million dollars.

"There are no stupid questions."
~Of course when the person asks a question, they get condescended to, made fun of, snapped at, or called stupid.

"If you need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, I'm always here."
~When said by a controller or narcissist, this is an invitation to divulge your personal information, relationship issues, weaknesses, and past traumas so they can use them against you another time, condemn you, tell someone else what you said, or spread gossip.
"You should do that, go for it, you're very good...talented...smart...capable...knowledgeable.."
~Then it's "well you're really just an amateur, you don't really know what you're doing, or what you're talking about, or how to go about it."

"You have to take the bull by the horns."
or,
"You have to believe in yourself, and believe that you can do it."
or,
"Do what you love to do, the pieces will fall into place!"
~Until the Controller who gave this advice sees the target take initiative, and then it's "You can't just charge ahead like that" or "Don't expect to be successful, it's more likely that you'll fail" or
"You're not THAT good, not good enough to make a living at it."
or "Who do you think you are?! You think you're all that?"

"Always respect others' point of view."
~Translation: Always respect MY point of view, but if yours is different, shut up, you're already wrong, and if you don't shut up, then you'll be barraged with Ad Hominem attacks, and probably rejected socially.

"Be fair, compassionate, kind, and polite to others, and they'll return the same to you."
~This works with people who have actual integrity and manners, not with those who give advice in order to feel superior and to control others.
Translation: You be polite, fair, and kind to me, and to everyone else, and shut up about it when we snub you, gossip about you, condescend to you, manipulate you, and treat you rudely, inconsiderately, hostilely, and disrespectfully.

The double bind serves a purpose:
"We'll blame OUR behavior, and the way we treat you, on YOUR actions. Everything that happens to you and everything that others do to you is YOUR fault, I am/we are blameless and innocent, it's all you. You brought all of it on yourself... if you had heeded my advice, WE would not have been forced to treat you that way...."

Apparently only CERTAIN people are worthy of success, allowed to speak their mind and have their own point of view, or allowed to stand up for themselves against unfairness, disrespect, or bullying.

And apparently only CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE are accountable for their own behavior, and those same people are responsible for everyone else's behavior and life as well...

Red flag: Unsolicited advice, condescending advice, advice with negative assumptions about you in it, and advice that sounds like it's taken from a talk show, celebrity, coach, drill sergeant, someones relative, self-help book, song, or affirmation meme (without referencing who said it or why).

Living In The Race: Winning Is Everything

Controllers are focused on other people, especially Narcissists, so they don't just do what they're doing or just focus on their goals.

Like runners in a race, some runners are concentrating on the terrain, their breathing, their pace, keeping their muscles from cramping, their stamina, and finishing the race. Other thoughts might be about loved ones or inspirational thoughts or memories, and perhaps the interesting landscape they're passing, the lovely day, or spectators cheering them on.

They are focused on the other runners in a peripheral way as fellow competitors, or in a kindred spirit way as fellow runners, but not with contempt. If another runner twisted their ankle or collapsed, they would notice, and would make sure someone came to help them. If there was no one else around, they would stop and help the fellow runner themselves, giving up their position in the race.

Some runners, however, are focused solely on their own performance and body, and on the performance and bodies of the other runners. Their thoughts are filled with advantages, weaknesses, and leverage. They're not thinking about loved ones, or "fellowship" with other runners (unless there happens to be famous people in the race), nor are they thinking about how great it is to be able to participate in the race.

Some of those runners are focused mostly on finding weaknesses in the other runners, and how they can exploit those weaknesses to their advantage. All they care about is beating the other runners and being the WINNER of the race so they can receive the recognition, award, and praise. They'll do anything they can get away with (within their personal, tweaked version of 'values') to win.

Their emotions and motives are limited to desire to dominate, desire for recognition, contempt, resentment, fear, envy, and jealousy.

If any opportunity presents itself to kick dust in another runner's face, they'll take it. If they think they can get away with bumping or tripping another runner, they'll do it. If another runner falls down, they'll feel happy about it, not concerned, and the only way they'll stop to help that person is if they think someone 'important" is watching.

They will have contempt for certain other runners whom they harbor prejudice against (typically ancestry, size, sex,or sexual orientation), and will try even harder to beat them or sabotage them.

If someone whom they judge as "naturally inferior" to them is ahead of them, or apparently beating them, their contempt and resentment will grow to colossal proportions, even hatred.

They are likely to believe that anyone who's not participating in the race, especially spectators, are UNABLE to participate in the race because of their "inferior physiques" and fitness levels.

If they don't come in first, they will consider themselves to have FAILED, since their goal was to attain the recognition and praise of "winning". They're likely to feel self-loathing, or to feel contempt, resentment, and envy for those who came in ahead of them, and also for lots of other people involved in the race. They're likely to feel deep EMBARRASSMENT and humiliation because they didn't WIN. They may or may not show it, and they may or may not "retaliate" somehow for this perceived personal humiliation.

If they DO win the race, they're likely to feel utterly deserving, like it was a done deal before the race even started, like they're the "superior specimen" present and all the other humans are lesser specimens. They might even feel pity for the other runners, as if they aspire to be like them, but just can't cut it. They will not have remorse or regret for bullying or sabotaging other runners, or leaving anyone who fell; they'll actually see themselves as simply being "more clever" and "more savvy". Nor will they feel regret about using illegal steroids or cheating; again, they'll just see it as "savviness".

If they do win, it won't just be a race well-run, with gratitude for the experience and opportunity, nor with gratitude toward anyone who supported them. It will be evidence of their "superiority", and they're likely to brag about it and display their trophy or medal every chance they get for a very long time.

Putting Others Ahead Of Yourself

That feeling of self-imposed limbo, where you stop yourself from doing all kinds of things that you want or need to do, and feel a rubber-band-like feeling of tension and anxiety?

That's conditioning.

Don't do anything you want or need to do, because you will be interrupted, stopped, criticized, controlled, "advised", invaded, sabotaged, or called for a request or service for someone else.

Sit still and wait for the next request, command, or crisis.

Your subconscious has learned that there are FEWER consequences in waiting for the other shoe to drop than in doing things that you initiated yourself, things you need or want to do.

Your unconscious may also have bought into believing that it's morally correct and good to SERVE others, especially certain others, INSTEAD OF taking care of your own business. Which includes your bills, your career, your schooling, your living situation, your car, and any goals. It includes your self-care, for your body, mind, and spirit. It also includes your positive relationships, your kids, your partnership, and social connections.
Basically anything that YOU would do because you need to, want to, or like to.

Serving and caring for others is a good thing. Serving others INSTEAD OF taking care of your own business and yourself is NOT, and the purpose of this conditioning is so that you will become a voluntary slave, making yourself and your resources fully available to another, with no restrictions, and no self-protection.

It also renders a person weak and vulnerable, which means they do NOT have personal 'power".

They not only can be controlled by others, but they also have rendered themselves (inadvertently) INCAPABLE of being a confident person who makes anything happen or change, or who has any influence or voice in their group, family, or community. 

  

Scanners: Narcissists Scan Others Constantly

Social Signals.
You give them whether you mean to or not, and those who have Narcissism issues ~ especially N's who are 'predators', or who are consumed with envy, control, or resentment ~ LOOK for them, watching and listening much, much more for social signals than other people do, ~ looking for a way in, for leverage, or for a chink in the armor.

If you pull up to a gas station and a Narcissist pulls up to the other pump, they ARE looking at you, doing an automatic quick-scan, even if they're not looking for any particular reason. Are you a potential mark, or a potential threat? Can they get your attention? Can they get away with giving you "advice"? Do you look anxious, hostile, calm, kind, or naive? Do they approve of you, or disapprove of you? Do you look like you'll respond favorably if they approach you (or do you look like you'll punch them in the face?) Do they find you attractive, too thin, too heavy, too tall, too short, too well-dressed, not well-dressed enough, weird, intimidating, friendly looking... etc... etc...

A non-narcissist would be exhausted by the amount of scanning and assessing a narcissist does on a regular basis.

They'll even look at you in your car from their car while driving on the highway.

Making Her Feel Like She Doesn't Belong

Trying to make a person feel like they don't belong, are incapable, less worthy, unwanted, unstable, or a "loser" is ONLY done by those with bully and narcissism issues. Make no mistake. This is a bully tactic used for domination and control.

Bullies will often do this back and forth to each other within the group that they're a part of (community, workplace, church, family) because each one is trying to secure their own feeling of belonging in the group.

If they can get the others in the group to go along with calling that person a "loser", they've succeeded in their goal. If they can get the person themselves to buy into self-loathing, they've succeeded in their goal. If they can get the person themselves to BELIEVE that they don't "belong" in their own group, they've succeeded in their goal.

It's actually quite easy for a bully/manipulator to turn people against a person, especially when the group already has prejudice against the type of person who's being targeted. There are more people, apparently, who get a charge out of joining in with slandering or shunning a person than there are people who will refuse to go along with it, behave supportively, or even simply remain neutral.  

Those who try to get groups of others to turn on an individual are usually doing it in order to discredit the person, and trying get others to join with them in dominating and crushing the person (just like schoolyard bullying, when other kids are excited about the watching this "fight" and encourage it, instead of stopping it or standing up for the bully's target). Not because the person has actually done something terrible. 

It takes a measure of maturity not to join in group shunning, scapegoating, gossip, or bashing of an individual, and it takes even more to stand up for the target, or to be supportive of both the basher and the target.

Asperger's Traits That May Resemble Narcissism (But Aren't)

Those who know, work with, or are related to a person with "Asperger's" may confuse some of their behaviors with "Narcissism", because it may be difficult to understand their point of view and mental processing.

Many with "high functioning Autism" don't seem to LOOK very different, so their behaviors may be construed as having the same motives and intentions as non-Autistic people.

Without going into scientific explanations, here are a few behaviors that a person with Asperger's might display that a non-Asperger's person might confuse with narcissistic self-centeredness.

(People who do not have Autism or traits are often referred to as "Neuro-Typicals", or "NT's".

Asperger syndrome (AS), also known as Asperger disorder (AD) or simply Asperger's, is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD))


~ Intense focus and concentration on a task or project. Making the object of their focus the "most important thing". 

People who have "Autism" traits (AS, ASD) tend to focus on one thing at a time.

A non-autistic person (NT) might compare this singular focus to looking through a microscope, or a pair of binoculars. One sees what they're looking at with magnified, intensified focus, and one can ONLY see what one is looking at, because they are looking through the eyepiece and lenses.

When you look through binoculars, you can not see the person standing next to you. And, what you can see through the binoculars is magnified, so you can see it with more detail than the person next to you can see. Some people with AS/ASD may not be ABLE to multi-task, they can only focus on, think about, and do one thing at a time.

Those with AS/ASD do this naturally, they aren't doing it in order to ignore the person standing next to them, and in fact most would love it if the person next to them was looking at the same thing, through their own pair of binoculars.

Narcissists, however, don't WANT the person next to them to see what they see, and they may be ignoring the person next to them on purpose in order to try to make them feel small. They may talk about what they see through their binoculars, but it's not to share the information with others, or because they're excited about it, like a person with AS/ASD might do; it's mostly because they want to be recognized as an expert or as a "superior".


~Not seeming to respond to, or like it, when others approach them, look at them, get too close, or touch them.

This one is less about the person with AS/ASD, and more about the people who interact with them. Those who don't respect other people's boundaries and personal space often have a very hard time with those who have AS/ASD, because they seem to be used to invading the boundaries and space of others for their own emotional motivations. If a person does not like to be touched by other people, it doesn't matter WHO the other people are, they just don't like to be touched. It's not PERSONAL, it's not a rejection, it's their own preferences. Those who respect the person would respect their personal boundaries, space, and preferences. Of course one can't KNOW that a person does not like to be touched until it becomes known, but why would a person be invading another person's space in the first place? Or trying to touch them without permission?

MANY of the social behaviors that NT's frequently display are actually based in domination and status displays. For example if you would pat the back or the head of one co-worker who might be smaller than you, but you would NOT pat the back or the head of another co-worker who's bigger than you are, you can ask your inner primate why that is. Why are you touching one person's body, with or without their permission, but not another's?

The person with AS/ASD does not care whether you are bigger than they are or smaller than they are, they don't want to be touched, or they don't want to be touched right now, or they don't want to be touched by you, and you should respect that. If you don't, you're displaying dominance over them, and they can detect that a mile away, unlike most NT's who are largely unaware of underlying motives for many human behaviors.


~Needing things to be a "certain way".
Getting agitated when another person won't go along with their need for things to be a certain way. Getting very upset when someone moves their things, changes their environment, changes or ignores a schedule, or doesn't follow set rules.

Again, this is less about the person with AS/ASD, and more about the people who interact with them. ~Those who don't respect other people's boundaries and personal space often have a very hard time with those who have AS/ASD, because they seem to be used to invading the boundaries and space of others for their own emotional motivations, which is not something that AS/ASD people commonly allow.

One might want to ask themselves why it bothers them that another person needs or wants their OWN stuff, or their OWN schedule, or their OWN food, or their OWN decor to be a certain way, and why they think they're entitled to change any of it, or criticize, and why they assume that their way is "better".



~ Apparently believing that their point of view is the only correct one, and adamantly trying to convince others that this is so.

People with AS/ASD often do notice things that "NT's" don't, because they don't selectively filter out nearly as much information from the surrounding world as NTs do. What they see and what they notice is processed in a more"raw" way (unfiltered), as opposed to NT's who filter much more of what they perceive through their personal preferences, beliefs, bias, memories, and comfort.

An AS/ASD person will be the kid who SEES the biting ant on the elephant's ankle and therefore KNOWS WHY the elephant suddenly started jumping around, knocking things down. But most of the others nearby will assume something else without any evidence (the elephant is angry! or crazy!), often based on something they've seen or heard before, like a TV show.
The AS/ASD kid will be shouting "There's an ant on his foot!" but the other people will ignore her, even tell her to "be quiet".

People with Autism traits often grow up being ignored, bullied, and disrespected when they point something out that they see or notice, so by adulthood, some may be in the habit of defensively trying to convince others of what they're going to say, even before someone treats them rudely.

Another reason that an AS/ASD person may seem like they're trying to "make" a person accept their point of view is due to their absence of playing off of other people's social signals. They aren't worried about the other person rejecting them PERSONALLY because of their passionate (and sometimes monotone) oration, because THEY wouldn't do that, so they're not watching for the person's social signals that say "you're getting on my nerves". They don't stop just because another person appears to be getting annoyed or uncomfortable, because they simply don't see it. They just want the other person to comprehend what they're trying to get across, to see the subject from their point of view, so they may keep talking until the other person sounds like they get what they're saying.

That's not the same as CHANGING another person's point of view, which is a completely different thing. Those who have Narcissism DO want the other person to abandon and forget their own point of view, and adopt the Narcissist's POV... And also give the N. "credit" for showing them the "right way" to see it.



~Not appearing to be empathetic or sympathetic, seeming to be uncaring, cold, or self-centered.

Those with AS/ASD don't give, or respond to, the countless subtle social signals that NT's exchange with one another constantly. It's rare that you'll see a schoolyard bully with ASD because they don't get a charge out of making others display social signals for anxiety, fear, or pain. But you might see an AS/ASD person stand up for a person who's being bullied when everyone else is pretending to ignore the whole thing, or even when others are going along with the bullying.

Because AS/ASD people don't "do" social signals, they operate on principles and objective values in a broader sense. So they might not realize that a person is sad, at first, and they might have to think about how to comfort the person when they do realize it. But they are much more likely to try to comfort or help the person once they grasp that the person is sad than a lot of people would be, and they are very UNLIKELY to try to make a person feel sad or afraid on purpose, because it's simply a mean thing to do, and they wouldn't want the person to feel those things.



~Raging, ranting.

This behavior can look like anyone else who is abusive, except that with a person who has AS/ASD, their apparent tantrums are usually fueled by a few specific triggers:

feeling overwhelmed by frustration, feeling overwhelmed by external stimuli (noise, chaos, visuals, crowds), or feeling bullied, cornered, afraid, or abandoned.

Mostly it's based in anxiety and fear.

Abusers/Narcissists "rage" because they are trying to dominate the other person, scare the other person, humiliate the other person, or create drama in order to avoid accountability. It's not so much a reaction to "overwhelm" as it is a display of dominance.

It might help to picture Great Apes in the wild, as opposed to being in captivity. A screaming Chimpanzee who's shaking trees and making aggressive gestures at another Chimpanzee is probably displaying dominance, trying to scare the other. But a screaming Chimp. in a cage, shaking the bars, is most likely overwhelmed with fear and frustration.



~ Lack of certain social graces such as leaving without saying anything, not caring about grooming like others do, not being on time, not listening to others speak or responding to what they say

Again, this is all about social signals and social human interaction. One of the main reasons NT's learn a large amount of social interaction is because of social consequences. They felt embarrassed or ashamed when someone was mad at them for leaving without saying goodbye. They may have been chastised by a parent. They remember that, and don't want to feel those stinging feelings again, so they now make it known that they're leaving, and say "good bye".

A person with AS/ASD, on the other hand, likely needs to learn this social grace specifically, and understand WHY it's important. Not by associating consequences with NOT doing it. They may not understand why it's such a big deal until they understand the reason behind it. Once they understand the reason, they're likely to be MORE vigilant about doing it than NT's.

Narcissists, on the other hand, KNOW what social graces are, why they're important, and will do the opposite on purpose for various reasons of their own design; they might be trying to "slip out", to get away with something, or to cause drama or pain.

Grooming is also about social signals. People with AS/ASD typically don't see what the big deal is about grooming to NTs. Some may not REALIZE that grooming affects a person's appearance directly, they may be under the impression that Sally's hair just naturally falls into that style when she runs a comb through it in the morning. This tendency seems to depend on the person's level of autism, and possibly on their sex.

However many with AS/ASD don't judge others visually, or not very much, like NTs tend to do.

They tend to judge people much more on their actions, the way they treat people, and the way they feel around them regardless of their looks; they aren't focused so much on the appearance of others, nor are they thinking about others judging THEM by their appearance.

Their thoughts, focus, and priorities are elsewhere.

Further, those with AS/ASD may judge others by appearance, but it tends to be less on generic physical attractiveness and more on whether they look like a nice, trustworthy person to them or not, or whether they remind them of someone else.

This is not set in stone, some do judge others by appearance, but it's their own opinion of attractiveness, not current popular culture's opinion.

Narcissists however tend to judge others constantly by appearance FIRST, or solely, and will often actively pursue "romance" with those whom they think OTHERS will find attractive.



Why do people so often reject or bully people with AS/ASD?

NT's often reject people with AS/ASD because they don't understand them, and can feel taxed by their intensity. Most NT's rely much more on social signals for communication, and much less on direct, polite communication (hence the ongoing chaos and drama in the world). Those with AS/ASD are just the opposite, they rely much less on social signals, and much more on direct communication. They also tend adhere to principles and values much more than most NT's, and that can seem threatening or even shaming to NT's who seem to enjoy bending rules, and especially to those who are prone to manipulation, cheating, or domination displays.

NT children are immature, naturally, and tend to pick on and single out anyone who seems "different" than themselves and their immediate circle. Adults should be vigilant about this and not allow it, and should also be guiding children about treating others with respect; that's an essential part of raising children in civilized society. Without learning how to treat others from the guidance of adults, children are prone to grow up to become bullies and Narcissists.

NT adults with Narcissism often bully those with AS/ASD, and tend to either try to squash and crush them (because they envy them or feel intimidated by them), AND/OR to try to recruit them as a "sidekick" or subordinate, using them for their abilities, focus, and willingness to do work, help others, or participate in projects. They often use them without giving them commensurate compensation, credit, or respect.

Narcissists often mistake those with AS/ASD for being "weak", ignorant, or submissive, and so when the AS/ASD person realizes that they're being bullied or manipulated, and they stand up for themselves, the Narcissist is often SHOCKED, and will typically reject the AS/ASD person forthwith, devaluing them and often smearing them, trying to discredit them to others.

(Narcissists seem to assume that they've caught a submissive, scared bunny rabbit that they can boss around and control, until they squeeze the bunny rabbit one too many times, and it turns out to have sharp teeth and strong jaws. Then they act like the bunny (the AS person whom they were manipulating) was the one who was doing something "wrong".)



~ Can a person have AS/ASD and Narcissism at the same time?

Yes, well, sort of.

But it's not typical, nor are they typically as dangerous as NT's who have Narcissism.

AS/ASD people who do have Narcissism traits are often more like children who are trying to be "important" like their Dad or Mom, or perhaps a story character or hero, and they may have fixed stereotypical biases, assumptions, and expectations that they came to believe to be real at some point in their life.

They are very unlikely to be the kind of "Narcissist" who would drag a person through a horrific child custody battle, for example, using the children as pawns in a nasty game, or to con a person out of sums of money, or smear a person's reputation and turn a group of people against them.

They're just not into social games and manipulations, and are actually more often the TARGET of those games; rarely or never the perpetrator.


In fact, manipulative NT's have been known to PROVOKE those they KNOW have AS/ASD traits into a defensive tantrum-like state for the sole purpose of getting others to witness it, so that they'll believe whatever the manipulator says about the person.



However it is possible that a person with AS/ASD might treat their child, spouse, or other loved ones with coldness, or critical and controlling behavior, or even reject them, lacking certain cognitive understanding about raising children, relationships, and human interaction.

Without support of family, friends, or the medical community, relationships and life itself can be difficult for both the person with AS/ASD, and those close to them, and unfortunately support is harder and harder to find as people become more and more self-centered in the world.

But it's more likely for a person with AS/ASD to be the one being treated with serious disrespect, manipulation, and rejection by others. 

Our Modern Era, Self-Destruction, Or Growing Up?

The current era we live in has
A. more people than ever before
B. more people living much longer
C. more mass media and mass communication than ever
D. Several generations alive at the same time
E. Several generations with completely different childhoods alive at the same time
F. Several generations who each believe that they're "RIGHT" alive at the same time
G. Several cultures and generations with extremely varying degrees of bigotry, prejudice, superiority, and ego issues alive and living in the same regions.
H. Several cultures and generations with varying experiences of serious childhood trauma from wars, culture upheaval and dysfunction in family or community alive at the same time.
I. Mass ease of travel and connectivity, moreso than ever before
J. More wealth overall, MUCH more, including in poor communities, than ever before
K. With all this wealth, communication, and travel, apparently less awareness than ever before, probably due to the overwhelm from the mass media and internet
L. Less awareness and practice of one of the most important things in the human species for maintaining civil society:  "Basic Manners": common courtesy and active respect and care for other human beings and for one's self.
M. More self-righteousness, arrogance, clique-behavior, and control issues than ever before (due to the increased general wealth; the less a human has to struggle to survive (actually survive), the more a human is prone to arrogance, self-pity, self-righteousness, and power-seeking). 



IF humans began teaching and practicing genuine CIVILITY, HUMILITY, and COURTESY once again, (which means treating others with courtesy and respect whether they "like" them or "agree with" them or not), actively and purposely, at least half of the problems on the planet would be instantly alleviated, and the other half would have a hope for solution or for learning how to cope with them better.

Practicing civility includes gracefully dealing with others who don't display the same manners or point of view, and having compassion for those who are apparently unable.
It does not mean "allowing people to treat you like crap", and it ALSO means not "retaliating" every time one feels some kind of uncomfortable emotion, like feeling left out, disrespected, envious or jealous.  

It takes confidence, inner strength and a strong enough comprehension ability to understand why it's important, and to continue to practice it regardless of the circumstances one finds themselves in.

It's definitely not "fair" for the burden of civilization to be shouldered by only those who understand how the dynamics of human interaction work and affect the "big picture", but that's how it is, and how it's always been, apparently since the dawn of Homo Sapiens. There are those who have awareness, and those who don't but will, and there are those who never will.

Those who are aware are the ones who others feel validated by and learn from, and become examples themselves for others to learn from and feel validated by. Without them, there is no awareness at all. There are a great many humans who live by their desire for personal gain and dominance compulsions, and they WILL and DO "take over" if they can, which is often their main goal.

Arrogance ALWAYS thinks it can do a better job, regardless of actual ability, simply because arrogance desires recognition and power much more than it cares about the actual situation, gathering information, or finding solutions.   

The dynamics of human behavior is a systems-issue, one must have the ability to grasp all of the components of the system, how they affect one another (cause and effect), and how they cause an outcome, in order to understand how the system works. There are those who do understand that cause and effect exists, but many of them don't grasp that there are more variables than they can see or understand, and that the best anyone can do is TRY.

Without GENUINE civility being practiced purposely by at least a large portion of the population, the species will turn on itself and tear down progress that it has made, as it always has throughout its existence on Earth.

So it really IS "up to you", it might be one of the reasons that you were born; to BE WHO YOU ARE and keep DOING what you do. Self-awareness, purposeful civility and compassion, and humility are NOT the "norm" in Homo Sapiens; the survival of the species, and of civilization, RELIES ON those who do have those attributes. It can't exist without them, without you.
You're not alone, even though it can feel that way, but this is the way it has always been. You are NEEDED, you make a HUGE DIFFERENCE, probably much more than you may be able to see.  

Hottie Award Goes To...

A common Narcissist. behavior:  Competing with others for physical attractiveness, on a pretty regular basis, in random groups, and especially competing for the attention of those who are in a relationship.

Narcissists who compete for the "Hot Guy" or "Hot Girl" award do it whether others are aware of this competition they're holding for themselves or not. Typically, of course, they think that EVERYONE is competing like they are, that's why they feel "victorious"; they think they've "won" against other competitors when someone gives them attention.

Another person whom a Narcissist sees as very good-looking, or whom they think others find attractive, is a direct threat, so they often target them straight away; either bullying them directly, trashing them behind their back, or trying to "steal" their partner. (A loyal genuine partner would of course NOT take the bait, even for a minute.)

Narcissists often purposely TRY to get "sexual" attention from those in committed relationships; if they succeed, they feel that they've "WON" and proven themselves "superior" to the person's partner. Often when they don't succeed, they feel contempt and resentment toward the person and the person's partner; they may devalue the original target, or they may become fixated.   

This "looks competition" is another developmental stage that most adolescents and young adults go through when they're reaching sexual maturity, naturally wanting to be attractive to others, and trying to gauge their own attractiveness. Those who develop Narcissism, but ALSO many who were traumatized during childhood but don't actually have NPD, can get stuck in this stage, trying to gather self-confidence via other people's attraction to them. A non-NPD person can heal from this by healing from trauma effects, and healing their boundaries and self-confidence levels.
(True NPDs are usually more obvious than others with this behavior.)

Liberal Conservative HOOEY

Sorry, but you can't be "Liberal" and "Left Wing" at the same time.
Nor can you be "Conservative" and "Right Wing" at the same time.

This is what happens when people TWIST WORDS AND ALTER THEIR MEANING SO MUCH that people forget the original meanings. 

The term "wing" is from seating in the European legislature, from the 1800s, and it refers to RADICAL views, not mainstream Pol. Party views.  "Left" view people were assigned to sit in the left wing.

The definition of "Liberal" does NOT mean "Left wing", it means "open to hearing other points of view", as in "others besides ONE'S OWN", as well other than the establishments.

The radical Left and the radical Right have WAY more in common with each other than either of them do with "conservative" Dems, Reps, or whatever party.

They're BOTH invested in BELIEF and EMOTION, and EGO, FAR AND ABOVE actual data and information gathering SANS emotional attachment or power struggles.

They don't want the BEST solution, nor do they care about FREEDOM, liberty, and autonomy for all citizens, they want it THEIR WAY.

It's Not Just Bad Manners Or Self-Centeredness: Narcissism

Bullies, Narcissists, and especially sociopaths with Narcissism often do the polar OPPOSITE of what a non-narcissist or bully would do in many situations. It's not just that they lack good manners or common courtesy, it's that they're actually reacting and behaving in the opposite way that a person with integrity and care for others does.

For example, if Matt, the non-narcissist, saw a hurt kitten on the road, he would be COMPELLED to stop his car and see what he could do to help the kitten. It wouldn't really be some kind of "should I... shouldn't I...will it get blood in my car...I might be late...." speculation, he would just DO IT. Whatever he had to wrap the kitten in, he would use, and he would either bring it home or find the nearest vet, depending on the kitten's injuries and if there was an open vet's office.

But if Jake the narcissist saw the same kitten on the same road, on his way to the same place as Matt was, he wouldn't stop. He might go "eww!" and drive around it, if he noticed it at all. If he's a sociopath, he might say "Eww it was moving!" or in a severe case of Narc/sociopath, he might swerve to hit the kitten with his own car. If he saw Matt stopping to help the kitten, he'd make fun of him.

They behave in the same "opposite" way with people. If someone looks like they're sad, shy, anxious, scared, worried, depressed, or even traumatized, the Narcissist won't comfort them, they'll treat them with either disdain or direct bullying.

For example, if Mary is at her first day at a new job, Paul the non-narcissist will notice her, and immediately empathize with her apparent anxiety. He'll approach her with courtesy and respectful manners, welcoming her to the staff, shaking her hand, introducing himself, introducing her to others, showing her around and explaining what he can. Paul is COMPELLED to ease Mary's very normal anxiety, and help her get a better start. It has nothing to do with his JOB, he's not getting PAID to be friendly to her, it's his OWN choice.

Rachel, on the other hand, who is a Narcissist, notices Mary, and asks a coworker "Who is THAT?" The coworker says "that's the new staff member". Rachel then proceeds to behave in a cold, snubbing way toward Mary, trying to DISPLAY DOMINANCE, trying to provoke Mary to feel intimidated or unwelcome (actually a Chimpanzee behavior).
Rachel does approach Mary and offers her hand to shake, but immediately drops Mary's hand purposely, and gives her an obviously fake smile and obviously false greeting, in a louder than necessary voice, staring Mary down and displaying her teeth in a false smile. John, Rachel's cohort, walks up behind Mary and speaks to Rachel as if MARY IS NOT THERE. He does not greet Mary, nor does Rachel introduce them, they just stand there and talk to each other THROUGH MARY'S HEAD, like she's invisible. And YES, it's on purpose. Just another social dominance primate display.
Both Rachel and John will use the excuse of not being aware of their actions when Paul calls them on their fantastically rude behavior, but if they are really that unaware, then HOW did they get the JOB POSITIONS they have? (Are they using drugs? What would cause such a high level of unawareness? And why are they still working if it's that severe?)


If a non-narcissist asks a person "What's wrong", they actually want to HELP, and they will listen, sympathize, and empathize, RESPECTFULLY. Their goal is to help the person who appears to be sad, worried, anxious, or physically ill or in pain.

When a Narcissist asks a person "What's wrong", they are setting the person up so they can whack them with some kind of verbal domination display that makes them feel powerful, like telling them they "just have to deal with it", or telling them that it's their FAULT no matter what really happened, with blatant condescension, or defending whoever hurt, disrespected, or manipulated the person, or even verbally abusing them with humiliating accusations, rejection, or name-calling.
(Narcissists DO NOT "help" anyone unless they think they're going to get something out of it for themselves, be it material, financial, or otherwise.)


Narcissists WANT other people to feel bad, or to falter, fail, feel left out, humiliated, unworthy, or unwanted. They GET OFF on it. It makes them feel GOOD to hurt someone's feelings, to snub someone, or to be mean or disrespectful to someone. It has to do with them believing themselves to be "above" others, like they're in the "good people" group (ironically), or the "authority people" group, or the "ones who get it" group, or the "cool people" clique, or the "smarter people" category, or the "savvy and slick people" group.
Sociopathic Narcissists (severe ones) often seek to be the "leader" of whatever group or clique they're in, OR "second in command" (which is actually more powerful because there is less culpability), and DO often achieve that goal, since they seem to know so well how to manipulate others.

Narcissism can be found in literally ANY human group that exists, there are absolutely NO kinds of groups that are immune to Narcissism. If there are humans in the group, then Narcissism can be present.

It is absolutely an important life skill to learn how to deal with Narcissists in life, because they do definitely exist, and can show up in any human group whatsoever, ready to bully, manipulate, control, and sabotage. It never was, is not now, and never will be "paranoia" to be on the lookout for them, and be prepared to deal with them; they are very much a part of the human species.

Biased Evidence Gathering

Biased evidence gathering means you already believe something to be true, so you gather "evidence" that supports your belief, and you ignore and dismiss information that does not support your belief.

So if I don't want Bigfoot to be real, I will be dismissive toward any evidence of its existence, and say that it's "bunk".

If I'm objective, non-biased, and scientific, I won't be emotionally invested in whether Bigfoot is real or not, at least not very much, and my ego won't be a factor. I won't be annoyed or upset with evidence that someone wants to analyze, nor will I be annoyed with people who believe Bigfoot is real. I won't LIKE people "better" who don't think it's real, nor will I think they're "smarter". I might be annoyed with a person's behavior, the way they're acting, but it would have nothing to do with their belief either way.  

If a scientist (or non-scientist) BELIEVES IN a theory, point of view, or opinion, no matter how much due diligence and objective observation they THINK they're doing during information gathering and analysis, they are still operating under the influence of their BIAS, what they want to be true.

So if you want dogs to be cooler than cats, then you're going to list "reasons why" that's true, you're not going to be looking for reasons that cats are cooler, or that they're the same coolness.
If you want Asperger's syndrome to be a "boy-thing", then that's what you're going to try to prove.
If you want empathy to be a "girl-thing", then that's what you'll be trying to prove is true.

When we believe something is true before we gather information and evidence, we look only for the pieces of information that align with what we believe, and we ignore, even mentally bury information and facts that contradict our preference.

Frustration Of Supporting Loved Ones With Mental Health Issues

Many people who appear to have "Narcissism", or behave in a narcissistic-like fashion, may actually have another undiagnosed mental illness or disorder, or have unrecognized cognitive issues.

However, when a person notices that someone in their family is showing signs of a mental illness or limitation, they are UNLIKELY to find that they can talk to others about it in a non-judgmental, calm or intelligent discussion, and they are UNLIKELY to receive unbiased, objective feedback, or any support.

There are only a couple of go-to diagnoses that both the medical community and people in general can seem to handle and be at least somewhat supportive and mature about, one of which is Alzheimer's, and another is ADHD. Other than that, many people both in and out of the medical, caregiver, and educational fields tend to be dismissive or judgmental toward those with any kind of mental/emotional issue, or about someone's loved one having an emotional or mental issue, or limitation.

Even PTSD sufferers are often treated dismissively, like they're "annoying" or burdensome, or faking it, even by their own doctors and therapists, never mind family or friends. So getting neutral or positive support regarding a friend or loved one's mental/emotional issue seems to now be just a memory of a better era, or a TV-fantasy. Talking to a person who is actually a compassionate, genuinely caring professional in one of these occupations often reveals deep frustration about the overall state of their field, and how they feel like their hands are tied, or like they have very little peer support.

Lack of recognition of disorders, illnesses, and cognitive issues is  a reflection of the larger cultural problems. VERY FEW people now are able to discern one issue from another, because there is so little neutrality, calmness, and common civility to compare mental illness or limitations with. The "baseline" is being erased by an overwhelming increase in a culture of emotional reactivity.

The current culture lacks leadership regarding recognizing and dealing compassionately or objectively, without prejudice, with those who have a disorder or cognitive limitations. There is a lot of talk about being compassionate, and a lot of people think of themselves as compassionate toward others, and the medical, psychiatric, and educational fields are bursting to the seams with unprecedented numbers of workers and professionals who believe themselves to be compassionate experts. But this boom has apparently stifled, not helped, the general care of human beings. The meaning of the adage about giving a man a fish vs. teaching him to fish seems to be completely lost on the greater population; they either don't understand why teaching a person to fish is better than giving them one, or they apparently interpret it as "people need to be taught how to fish because they're stupid", or they misinterpret it somehow that you shouldn't HELP others because they should be getting their own darn fish in the first place. 

It is not EASIER now for a person to get supportive help or intensive therapy for a loved one, or for themselves, either from the medical community, authorities or government agencies, the educational community, nor from friends or family, it's more difficult than ever.
The simple fact that there are so many now who deem themselves "professionals" and "experts" in mental health, physical health, government and education fields that it's commonplace now to put one's image and career-goals ahead of doing the actual job, which is respecting and caring for the people in their charge, first and foremost. In other words, more people than ever are putting their own career goals and job security ahead of the well-being of, and respect for, their patients, clients, constituents, congregation, and students.

The cultural climate has shown some serious consequences on a large scale.
Psychiatric hospitals have been shut down.
There is marginal budgeting for any kind of mental health issues, from mild to severe.
Insurance companies are stingy about mental health visits, or refuse them altogether.
People acquire jobs in positions of AUTHORITY over others without having an understanding of human beings, emotional or mental health, or compassion, empathy, or general civility and respect for others.
"Professionals" no longer work TOGETHER.
Few parents work with other parents keeping the children in the community socialized with one another, teaching them social skills and manners, or setting good examples of how to treat other adults; many parents today are even disrespectful and competitive with EACH OTHER, never mind other parents in the community.
There is a culture of "US vs. THEM" in educational fields; teachers compete and argue about politics, even bringing it into the classroom, and teachers and parents in many communities no longer try to work together amicably.
Mental health is for some incredible, nonsensical reason seen as SEPARATE FROM physical health in both mainstream medicine and mainstream psychiatry.
People seem to have NO IDEA anymore about how a child's social circles, and the influences of family and community, directly affect a child's mental health.
There are thousands of "professionals" who received their degree or certification by working very hard and cramming to pass exams, but have little or no real life experience or understanding, nor genuine respect for patients. Some are even guided to believe that if a person shows up as a patient, that there must be something defective about them. Many are indoctrinated to "believe in" certain "schools of thought" about human psychology and to "believe in" methods of  treatment, as if they're ministering religious beliefs instead of practicing science.

~(Many psych. and counseling students are told to gauge the patients level of "normalcy" by THEIR OWN idea of "normalcy", and that's how they determine the mental health of their patients, so chew on that for a few minutes...)

Being seen as a compassionate or scientific person does not mean that one is actually BEHAVING compassionately or scientifically, but those who need to understand this the most will be the last ones to comprehend it. There may be hope, however, for the future; many young people seem to see a lot of the holes in the "system", and perhaps will help repair and improve it so that Human Beings will be the priority of more future "professionals" instead of it being personal gain, and perhaps then people will learn once again how to cooperate and support one another.

Free-floating Fatigue

If you find you're very fatigued and don't really know why, trying listening objectively to observe what other people around you do and say on a regular basis.
The fatigue could actually be from the content of conversation around you, or from negativity or control in attitude and behavior around you.
Fatigue can also be from diet, illness, physical or mental exhaustion, or lack of oxygen.
But if it's from the environment and people around you, then it will be very helpful to find that out. 

To demonstrate how surrounding social behavior affects a person, observe how you feel after watching an episode of Jerry Springer, for example. Try watching more than one in a row. Really observe how you feel, and then compare that to the way you feel after taking a walk on a beach on a sunny day, or taking a warm shower or bath, or spending time with a pet, or watching a show or movie with creativity and happy, positive content.

Also, Music we listen to influences our moods and even brain activity directly. It's not JUST an expression and validation of one's feelings and point of view, it's also an influence. So if you want to feel depressed, listen to dirges about depressing circumstances, hard times, and regret; if you want to feel sorry for yourself, listen to songs that lament about how life is so hard and lovers are so cruel; if you want to feel hostile, angry, and aggressive, listen to music that reflects those moods; if you want to feel calm, listen to songs that combine positive lyrics with harmonious music.

If you want to feel optimistic, happy, or strong, choose your music wisely. Absolutely pay attention to the lyrics and the attitude, not just the beat and the sound.

Conditioned Patriarchy And Bias

It's common for those (both men and women) who have been conditioned to believe that Patriarchal hierarchy is real to treat girls and women with measurably less respect overall than they treat boys and men.
This behavior is not dictated by the men or the boys, it's one's own behavior due to one's own perception, bias, and conditioned beliefs.
IT FEELS "RIGHT" to them to treat boys and men with more respect, more sympathy, more support, and more care, and it FEELS "OKAY" to be critical, resentful, and condescending toward girls and women.

Obviously this behavior and perception is not consistent straight across the board, but it's the general climate of most current human cultures; some more obvious, blatant, and shameless about it than others. In wealthier cultures, the media now plays a large role in conditioning people; in less wealthy cultures, political or religious leaders tend to play the largest role.

We see this behavior every day in any culture that's "Patriarchal", which is not ALL cultures, but most in the current era. The more gender role beliefs there are in a given community or culture, the more this can be seen.

~It's important to note that "Patriarchal Culture" does NOT mean that ALL boys and men are treated with favoritism or given respect or authority, nor does it mean that ALL girls and women are treated with oppression; it's the GENERAL structure of the culture; in fact in Patriarchal cultures, MANY boys and men are oppressed and bullied as well, by both controller/narcissistic men and women, and controller-women can be bigger oppressors of girls and other women, and in some cases of boys and men as well.
Both male and female Controllers will USE the dynamics of whatever "hierarchy" they happen to live in to control other people.
In Patriarchal cultures, it happens to be easier to assert oppression and control over women, because more people are "in on it", and fewer will protest, or even notice.
That means Controllers, male or female, have an advantage: most of the population is already in collusion that it's "okay" to disrespect, demean, and control individual members of half the population.

Notice that when a girl or woman is ignored, made fun of, condescended to, harassed, criticized, gossiped about, slandered, physically threatened, or ostracized from a clique, it's rare for anyone to stand up for her against the behavior.  But when a boy or man is treated in any of these ways, people will expect him to stand up for himself, and they will often stand up for him.

IN FACT, people will often CRITICIZE a girl or woman for standing up for herself against any of these behaviors, BUT will CRITICIZE a boy or man for NOT standing up for himself against the same exact behaviors.
This alone shows how deep the conditioning goes in most current cultures.

~

A disparity of respectful or disrespectful judgments and assumptions of others is usually at the top of the list of behaviors and perceptions.

For example, in public, if a person is seen with paint all over their clothes, say at the local Home Depot, it is their SEX, first and foremost, that changes others' assumptions about WHY the person is covered in paint. After their sex, they're judged on their size, demeanor, race, and age. (Not on actual information about them.)

If the person covered in paint is a man of any age or race, people will assume he's doing a JOB, and that it's a relatively important job, and that he probably knows what he's doing, he's probably a "pro". ~They will assume "pro" or at least "knowledgeable" about a man even if prejudice is present.
They might be right, but they may also be wrong; they have no way to know either way unless they know the man pretty well, and have actually watched him work for a length of time.

But if the person with paint on their clothes is a woman of any race, most people will likely assume much differently (based on zero information other than her appearance), such as that she must be HELPING a man paint, that it's not her actual "job", that she's been guided by someone else, that she has paint on her clothes because she doesn't really know what she's doing, or that she's TRYING to paint something "on her own". Some might even simply see her as a SLOB because she didn't change before going to the store (even to a paint supply store), or as a "poor person" who doesn't have any other clothes, which they are very UNLIKELY to assume about a man covered in paint.

In fact, many men learn young that if they LOOK LIKE they've been working, due to their appearance (suit and tie OR "work clothes"), that people will treat them with more respect, and so males who have Narcissism or immaturity issues will often purposely dress to appear as if they're in the middle of work, or not change or groom themselves (clean the paint, dirt, or grease off from work) when they go in public, like to an appointment, to lunch, to the bank, etc.
However, people tend only to treat women with "work-respect" if they're "well-groomed", dressed in business-type clothing or obvious uniforms. A female landscaper who goes to the bank during her day with grass, dirt, and sweat stains, and imperfect hair, will just get treated like she's a slob or a crazy person, while her male coworker will get treated with "respect" no matter how he looks.
~Again, still conditioning from childhood: Daddies, Uncles, Grandfathers and other men can have any kind of job and be "important" or at least "respected", but women can only have certain kinds of jobs, so if they're "dirty" or "messy" they must be slovenly, not in the middle of work.
(Conditioned people will do this judgment disparity even if they SEE the woman doing that work.)

Again, it's not the men or boys who are creating this disparity, it's within the minds of those who are doing the judging.

For another example, if a man is working, more people tend to "leave him be so he can concentrate on what he's doing because it's important". But if a woman is working on something, more people tend to try to get her attention IN SPITE of what she's doing, and sometimes they do it BECAUSE she's working on something.
Men are to be "left alone when they're working", as if there's an invisible barrier around them that we are not supposed to cross when they're doing something. But when a woman is working on something, it seems to be an INVITATION to approach her.
This particular behavior is often a direct reflection of a person's childhood home, where "Daddy is working, leave him be", but everyone (often including Dad, unfortunately) interrupts Mom no matter what she's doing, and expects her full attention.
Usually brother and sister are each treated with the same disparity, brother is left alone while he's working, playing, or learning, and sister is frequently and randomly interrupted regardless of what she's doing.

Another common behavior that's related to the last is when a man is doing something, women especially tend to assume that he "knows what he's doing", and is "doing something purposeful", but when a woman is doing something, both women and men seem to feel no qualms about approaching her and trying to CORRECT her, criticize her, insult her, "manage" her, re-direct her, argue with her, or even take over.
In fact, it appears that people are often COMPELLED to approach a woman in order to judge, criticize, "assist", or stop her when they see her doing something or talking about something (anything), as opposed to the way they tend to respect the space and intention of a man when they see him doing something. A man might be offered help in a respectful way, but people tend to treat women like they NEED help, like they don't really know what they're doing or what they're talking about, and as if it's perfectly "okay" to criticize them, ADVISE them, or even physically approach them and "assist them", or take over, without asking permission.
It's a habit of LACK of respect for the PERSON, combined with a feeling of power and false confidence one apparently gets from assuming superiority over another person.

~Of course some men are treated with this sort of disrespect as well on a regular basis, and some women are treated with less of it, and that's usually based on the person's height and/or demeanor.
Those who seem intimidating to a person (male or female) get treated with more "respect", and those who seem non-intimidating get treated with much less. This disparity demonstrates the lack of inner ethics and values in others; they're treating others according to whether the other person seems intimidating or not, not according to inner principles.

* (There are not enough cultures in human groups that have genuine "Matriarchal" hierarchies to make clear comparisons with Patriarchal cultures. Usually "Matriarchal" cultures aren't really fully Matriarchal, with the same power disparity that is commonly seen in Patriarchal cultures; there is usually more shared "power" and respect between the sexes, but there are still often gender roles and allowance of male dominance, at least in Homo Sapiens. likely due to fear of other groups of humans.
In Homo Sapiens, "warriors" are typically treated with admiration or high honors* (see next footnote) because people fear being invaded by other Homo Sapien groups. Humans are an aggressive, bullying, gain-driven species overall, more like Chimpanzees than other primates, and so people naturally fear other groups of humans because they're aware of this at least on a subconscious level; therefore they tend to hold "warrior males" in high esteem, because the more "warrior males" one's group has, the more secure and safe one feels from being invaded by other groups.)

* (In many cultures, "warriors" who are held in higher esteem by some are regarded with contempt or disrespect by others, likely due to feelings of envy.
Resentment of "warrior types" being treated with higher esteem in general is not the same thing as envy toward individual people. One can resent the disparity in the culture without resenting a PERSON who is being put on a pedestal by others.
I can guarantee that most of the people I know would treat a large male professional boxer (or even an amateur male rock musician) much better than they treat me, right off the cuff, without knowing anything about him, but that's not the boxer's fault. HE didn't tweak their inner ethics compass in order for them to adulate him and 'diss' me, THEY are doing that all on their own, with a lot of help from their cultural conditioning.

However the more Narcissism there is in a culture, the more contempt can be seen between different subgroups and "factions", because the people will create cliques out of their differences between one another, and try to control other groups. Envy, self-righteousness, and power struggles are rife in cultures that are loaded with Narcissism, and so "warriors" will either be raised on very high pedestals by some, and disrespected and attacked by others, because everything is seen through dramatic emotional reaction and not through calm, objective observation.
~~~ALSO, in Narcissistic cultures, people are USED and then discarded when they are no longer "useful", which happens to BOTH males and females in the culture. Whatever they were being USED for, when they don't or can't fulfill that use anymore, they are discarded by those who are part of the Narcissism culture.)

What It's Like To Be A Target Of A Narcissist

If you don't know what it feels like to be a Target of a Narcissist, and you want to learn:
(shortcut at bottom of page)

~Ask someone to follow you around all day and randomly sit in your lap whenever they want attention, no matter what you're doing.

~Ask them to climb on your back and ride on you, directing you where to go, while you're walking in the store, at work, or in the park.

~Ask them to go with you to the store and tell you what to buy for yourself, and criticize anything that you pick.

~Have them stand between you and anyone you're trying to speak to.

~Tell them not to respond or reply to anything you say, including direct questions.

~Tell them to change the subject back to themselves any time you talk about anything.

~Ask them to walk in front of you when you're going somewhere,  stand in front of you to block your view of anything you're looking at.

~Ask them to watch, assess, and correct everything you do.

~Tell them that anything at all that you talk about is a request for their advice.

~Explain to them to think of you, see you, and hear you as categorically inferior to them ( in nearly every way), and to treat you as such.

~Explain to them that they are now in charge of you, because they're smarter, stronger, more experienced, and generally better than you (regardless of reality), and to treat you as such.

~Ask them to praise others profusely, comparing them to you, and to give others your money and your stuff.

~Ask them to purposely treat others visibly better than they treat you, and with obviously more respect.

~Tell them to stare at you, and to critique your appearance all the time.

~Tell them to behave only according to their emotions, reactions, and cravings, and not to apply values, respect, or ethics to their behavior.

~Ask them to make a LIST OF RULES for you to live by, according to how they view your sex, ancestry, size, age, and overall appearance.

~Have them follow you around with a magnifying glass, like Sherlock Holmes, critiquing everything you do and say, and have them feel entitled to do so as if they're your personal authority and keeper.

~Ask them to counter or invalidate every thing you say, "No I don't think that's true... No, you shouldn't feel that way....That's not a good restaurant, the one I like is better....You didn't see an eagle, it was probably a hawk...No, it's not going to rain...No, asparagus is very good, you're wrong....No, I didn't notice that he treated you that way, you're exaggerating...No you're wrong, it's like this..."

~Ask them to narrate everything they see, hear, and feel, and announce everything they've done all week, all month, and all year, and everything they're going to do.

~Tell them to interrupt you every time you speak, especially if there are other people present.

~Tell them not to answer when you call them or message them, but to complain that they can't get in touch with you.

~Ask them to make insulting, demeaning remarks about you and to you when others are present.

~Ask them to REDO or rearrange anything and everything that you did, including your own stuff, your own work, and your own appearance, because you didn't do it "right" or "good enough".

~Tell them to threaten you with abandonment, rejection, eviction, disinheritance, ruin, slander, or physical harm every time they feel UPSET with you ~ (whether you did anything wrong or not, and regardless of the triviality of whatever they're upset about).

Or a shortcut:

~Let them boss you around all day long, with you doing literally ONLY what they want you to do, and NOTHING ELSE. This includes food, grooming, clothing, sleep, any activities, work, bill paying, spending, who you talk to and what you say, appointments, speech, emotions, what TV shows you watch, or whether you watch TV, making your bed, the way you make coffee, whether you DRINK coffee or not, the way you walk, etc.
~If you forget and do something that you want or need to do, without their permission, tell them to "punish" you somehow, by giving you the cold shoulder, raging, raging with crying, calling others to tell them you're abusing them, saying or doing something mean to you, threatening to hit you, actually hitting you, not allowing you to eat or sleep, making you lose your job, slandering you to others, or destroying or hiding your stuff.

Do this for at least at least a week straight, with absolutely no interruption or break, and without talking to anyone else about any of it; no outside allies, no support, no "whining" to others.

Controllers Can Only Lead Or Follow

Point of view of a Controller:
Imagine that when you're walking with someone you know, you have to either be in front of them or behind them.
You can not walk beside them.
Not because the path or aisle is too narrow, but because you are not comfortable unless you are Leading the person.
If you are following them, it's either because you see them as an authority figure whom you admire and want to be associated with, OR you don't see them as above but you are "submitting" to their lead grudgingly, resentfully, and only because you can't do something without them; OR, you don't want them to see what you're really doing behind their back, and you don't take their "lead" seriously (you're the 'real' leader).
 
You have to be either the leader or the follower, you don't actually comprehend "cooperation", "companionship", or "equality".

If the other person asks you to please stop following them or leading them and walk beside them, you will take their request as a command, and either follow it because you see them as the Leader, or argue with them for saying it because you see yourself as THEIR Leader.

The only exception to this is when a Controller sees another person as equally awesome and elite as themselves, so they see them as a "buddy" or a "partner". But the joke is on them, because Controllers usually choose other Controllers to be "buddies" with, and it's only a matter of time before the power struggles start to show.

Fake Friends

One of the main differences between a fake friend and a real friend:
real friends defend their friend (spouse, family member) when someone insults them or backstabs them. Fake friends join in, so they can be part of the 'gang'. Real friends sound like~ 'No, he's not 'stupid', actually he's a lot smarter than most people I know. Including you, apparently, if you think he's 'stupid'."
or 'Did you seriously just call her a slut? How old are you, nine? What is your malfunction?'
Fake friends sound like~ 'Yeah she's a flake for sure, you don't know the half of it. Some of the whacked stuff that comes out of her mouth!'
or 'Yeah he's a loser, I only talk to him to be nice. Did you see what he posted?' The reason there's such a big difference is because people who are genuine have real lives and therefore real self-confidence and values. People who are fake are living their lives like they're on a daytime soap, always trying to gain something, or make sure the 'cool people' still like them.

Role Models On TV

Do not use television or film characters as role models for acceptable human behavior, or how adults are supposed to act. It's entertainment, it's dramatized on purpose. The characters are created to be overly dramatic in order to keep it interesting, so people will keep watching. It's the same with any other entertainment medium, including music, news, politics, and obviously sports.

Christianity Is About...

If you think Christianity is about controlling or judging others, or "sending people to hell", you have it completely backwards.
Somebody told you wrong, and you just believed it, apparently.

Huh, sounds a lot like the way people like to believe rumors about people they know.

Anger Vs. Aggression And Power

Anger is an emotion, it's not a behavior.

In a mentally/emotionally healthy person, anger usually occurs when one has been hurt, betrayed, or otherwise violated in some way by another.

The way a person expresses anger is under their own control.

Healthy expression of anger can only occur when a person is not being oppressed and controlled by others.

Anger expression is not the same as aggressive or threatening behavior; they're two different things.

Expression of anger looks like an expression of POWER to those who use it that way themselves, and also sometimes to those who still have trauma issues from past experiences.

When a person is being oppressed by another, or by others, they are often not "allowed" to express their feeling of anger, because anger expression is a PRIVILEGE of STATUS that only those who are in positions of power are free to display.

Literally, because those in such groups equate anger expressions with POWER DISPLAYS.

Therefore, those who see themselves as higher status are the only ones who get to display and express anger, even in a polite way.

~Many who come from dysfunctional groups/families/communities think that anger and aggressive behavior are the same thing.
That's like saying joy and jumping into the air like Snoopy are the same thing, or that fear and screaming at the top of one's lungs like a yodeling banshee are the same thing. Emotion is emotion, and behavior is behavior; one influences the other, but they are two separate things.
One's emotions only directly dictate one's behavior and actions IF one has emotional or mental illness that has not been recovered from or treated, or if one has not been guided in separating their emotions from their behaviors during childhood.
PTSD triggers are not the same as emotions; diving under a table when one sees a weapon, or their ex, is a PTSD triggered behavior, for example, "fight, flight, or freeze". However untreated PTSD can and does cause serious problems both for the sufferer and for those around them, like other disorders do.
While most healthy people don't completely separate their emotions from their behavior, and occasionally let their feelings "run away with them", they do take responsibility for it, and they can control their actions to a relatively high degree, including the way in which they express their feelings of anger.

Weak Like Me

People who identify themselves as being a member of a greater Hierarchy, such as in the larger community and/or a smaller group, tend to identify OTHERS also as fitting into this Hierarchy.

They will project "status" onto others, as well as roles, limitations, and expectations.

Since they believe that the Hierarchy is real, they assume that everyone else also lives within the same beliefs and parameters.

So for example, if they are a woman, and they think women have certain limitations, they will project those limitations onto OTHER women, as well as themselves. If they think that women are secondary in status to men, they will project THAT onto other women also. Whatever "roles" they think women are supposed to play, they will project those expectations onto other women and younger girls.

If and when they see a woman who does not comply with their roles and expectations, they may perceive her to be some kind of "rebel", or "freak", or "deviant". (In other words, if women are physically weak and don't do manual labor or trades in their world, then a woman who is physically strong, or who does manual labor or a trade is a freak, or is being deviant.Or, they may simply dismiss that the woman is capable of those things altogether, as if pretending it isn't so will make it go away.)

Obviously, men who live in the same belief that a Hierarchy exists around them, and that they're a member of it, will also project that onto others, both men and women alike.

If the "hierarchy" has men in higher status positions, it's easy to see why a man would want it to be real. Women often also want it to be real, however, even if the "hierarchy" makes them secondary to men, because that's just what they've always believed to be real.
So they've built their lives and their identities around those beliefs. Letting go of those beliefs may be too frightening and even painful for them.

They don't seem to have any idea that "Hierarchies" are constructs of the human imagination, and will follow along with whatever they perceive to be "how things are" or "how things are supposed to be". They will often try to force this "Hierarchy" onto others, and even try to "discipline" or SHAME those who don't seem to go along with it. Those who don't go along with the status and the hierarchy are actually threats to keeping the fantasy alive, because they're living outside of the parameters, and still quite "alive", sometimes even thriving.

Imaginary social "Hierarchy" such as is often found in communities and other groups has nothing to do with manners or civility, and in fact is a threat to progress, quality of life, and the well-being of people in the group or community.

Each Day Is Precious

Every day of a person's life is as a precious jewel.
There are no days that are less valuable, or less important.
Not illness nor injury nor Age lessens the value of each and every day of a person's life.
As one diamond is precious and so is the next, and so on.
No day of a person's life is worthless, or a waste, or a winding down.

Children know this well; adults often forget as they grow older.
Ask a child about the value of their grandparent's lives.
 

Man Haters

"Being Tough"

If a community, a social living group, of humans is mentally and emotionally healthy, then they would learn "toughness" from doing and learning the tasks that help the group survive and thrive.

If a community is NOT mentally and emotionally healthy, then children would be "made to get tough" in order to deal with the OTHER HUMANS' aggressive and manipulative behavior in the group.

In a healthy community, humans are focused on "dominating" and "conquering" the actual TASKS ahead of them. They may PLAY AT GAMES where they dominate and conquer one another in the game, but that's a FUN activity that's not taken seriously.

In unhealthy communities, there are large amounts of hostility and aggression between the members, because they are NOT WORKING TOGETHER FOR SURVIVAL OR PROGRESS, BUT WORKING AGAINST ONE ANOTHER FOR PERSONAL GAIN AND STATUS.

It has nothing to do with Political ideals, it's about where the FOCUS of the members of the community rests.

"Community" exists where there are a number of humans living in a region. The way they ACT and the atmosphere they CREATE is up to the members of the community.

The more bullies, narcissists, and sociopaths a community has, the more hostile the atmosphere is for ALL of the members. A hostile atmosphere breeds defensiveness and more hostility, and children born into it are immediately thrust into the climate. They grow up trying to fit in somehow, trying to avoid getting hurt and intruded upon.

Basically, if you're not surrounded by a******s, you aren't focused on "being a tough guy".
You're focused on what needs to be done, and who needs help, and what can be done to make it better, better for the future, and that includes "more fun".

If you're not surrounded by a******s, you don't grow up being told that acting like one is FUN, or funny, or cool. Nor do you develop daily habits in speech and image that let others know how "tough" you are so they won't try to dominate you with some kind of bully tactics. 

Trying To Make You Feel Bad

If it seems like some people in your life are trying to make you feel emotion, such as anxious, guilty, self-conscious, worried, sad, angry, hopeless, suspicious, jealous, envious, sympathetic, panicked, AFRAID, humiliated, confused, powerless, or ashamed of yourself, they very well may be doing just that.

Controllers learn young that in order to have control over other people, you first must provoke them to FEEL something, some kind of emotion. Fear works well, but so do lots of other emotions.

Hurling accusations at someone, for instance, especially when they're unfounded, is an attempt to MAKE THEM FEEL SHAME, which is literally painful, and can cause serious anxiety issues, even depression. Shame in itself is not "bad", it's an important feeling that deters destructive behavior in healthy people.
However, most mentally healthy people will feel shame when they are accused of something, REGARDLESS of whether they're guilty or not of whatever they're being accused of.
They will ALSO FEEL HUMILIATED, ESPECIALLY if the accusation is UNTRUE.
They will often also feel ATTACKED, abandoned, or ostracized, especially when the accusation is unfounded.
In other words, it's WORSE emotionally and mentally on a person who is being accused wrongly, especially if they fear that the accuser will be believed by others, and that others will turn on them.

False accusations are usually done purposely by manipulators and Narcissists. You don't hear false accusations (or slander) from non-controllers, genuine friends, or loyal, caring family members, nor do you hear many accusations at all, really, about other people from those folks.
The subconscious learns these things during childhood.
So when someone is throwing around false accusations against us, or judging us negatively, or spreading rumors about us, we KNOW what's really going on unconsciously (we're being attacked, bullied, SET UP) even when the conscious mind is confused.

Narcissists, on the other hand, feel humiliated (and therefore enraged) when they think they've been "caught" doing something wrong that's REAL, or because their IMAGE is being challenged (How DARE you even IMPLY that I would ever do such a thing! Said the thief to the police officer.)

Controllers, especially those with Narcissism (not all Controllers are "Narcissists"), often use the "Double Bind" to gain power over another.

A far too common example:
Lisa is expected to make excellent grades, and if she doesn't, she gets grounded. Lisa is very capable of high grades and Honors.
But whenever Lisa studies at home, she is interrupted with "chores" or "favors" for other people, or with needless noise (on purpose).
If she politely says "I'm studying right now", she gets chastised for being "snappy", "rebelling", or "talking back".
Also, Lisa's siblings and cousins make fun of her for getting good grades and "being smart", for which they do not get punished at all.
Lisa also gets bullied at school for being a "top student", nearly ever day; either with direct aggression or mean social games.
Those schoolmates don't get disciplined for it either, or even stopped, by school faculty.
~The adults in Lisa's life are actually Bullies themselves, still envious children emotionally, and are getting a charge out of letting other kids pick on her. So according to them, anything Lisa does is "wrong". If her grades slip, they call her "lazy" and a "loser". If she concentrates on her studies and gets good grades, she's being "stuck up", a "weirdo", a "loser", and she's supposedly being a "bad person" according to her family members, because she's studying instead of waiting on them.
Every move Lisa makes, someone is there trying to make her feel SHAME, HUMILIATION, FEAR, or ABANDONMENT.
She is in a constant "Double Bind". (Like being told to sit down and stand up at the same time).
The people around Lisa are TRYING to make her feel self-conscious, anxious, worried, left out, and bad about herself and life in general, because they envy her, or are jealous of the special treatment they THINK she is getting (from who???) because of her academic ability. When and if they succeed in their goal of giving Lisa anxiety or depression problems, they will succeed in their REAL goal of making Lisa lose her confidence and self-esteem, and therefore lose her academic performance, and even her ability.
The fact that no one is standing up for her clearly shows the level of control issues, immaturity, and narcissism in the people around her.

Dealing With Bullies And Bully Culture

Unfortunately people with Narcissism, or just a lack of maturity, are all around us. If we ever want to leave the house, or our bedroom in some cases, we are going to have to deal with interacting with them. Being in a detached state of mind can be very helpful, so you're objective and removed from their social signals and games.

Don't look them in the eye very much, and only if you need to for conversation purposes, or to acknowledge them for a reason.
Don't take their tone of voice too seriously, or let it affect you.
Don't take the bait when they are fishing for an emotional response from you.
Expect that they will be condescending, insulting, or sarcastic, and ignore it when they do it.
Don't react, don't take their words personally, whether or not they are obviously trying to provoke you.
Don't engage their attempts at social manipulations, such as: domination displays (staring you down, puffing themselves up, walking into your personal space, gesturing in your face).
Don't react when they talk over you, interrupt you, or raise their voice, just repeat what you were saying originally, and only if you really need to get your message across to them because it's about something important.

Basically, remembering that those who have Narcissism or developmental delays really are not mature enough to "know better". They might be doing a lot of their behaviors on purpose, in order to try to make you smaller, or themselves bigger, but a mature adult wouldn't do that because they would know and understand WHY.

Without the understanding of WHY we treat others with respect, courtesy, care, and manners, the less mature person tends to believe that all those "manners" are either faked, or pointless, or because of weakness or shyness.

A Real Life experience to demonstrate:

A couple of years ago, I was bringing someone to a local hospital for chemo treatments. We were both frankly shocked by the loud, boisterous atmosphere in the chemo area. It might have been a good thing, making it less gloomy, IF the volume level was raised because of good moods from a polite, outgoing staff, but that was not the case. The staff was not just loud, but also rude, both toward one another and toward patients, and companions of patients. It was a "bully" atmosphere, where the louder a person was, the more important they obviously thought they were, and the less respect and courtesy they showed toward others.
After about a half hour of my trying to get someone's attention, and get them to stop talking loudly, OVER me, OVER one another, and acknowledge my presence, I finally raised my voice and got their attention. The person I had brought had been very sick over the weekend, and needed to be examined before being given Chemo, but they didn't want to hear ANYTHING from anyone but themselves, so they nearly started him on a heavy duty Chemo drip before giving him a more thorough exam. If I hadn't been there, he could have died that day, he was completely dehydrated; after a doctor finally examined him, they rushed fluid and a blood transfusion to him, and admitted him to an inpatient room.
The next day I visited; he was groggy and unsure of what was supposed to happen. I went to the nurse's station and asked them what what planned for him, and what his status was, and explained that he was unsure and groggy. The response I received practically blew the skin off of my face, "HE KNOWS WHAT THE SCHEDULE IS AND WHAT'S GOING ON!!!" the nurse SNARLED into my face. Since the person was a close relative of mine, I was already very upset and that was the last straw for me, I shouted back at the Nurse, and demanded to see the Supervising Nurse on the floor. Eventually she visited the room and asked what was wrong (she seemed calm and polite), so I explained what was going on; she apologized, and said she would speak to them and pay closer attention. After a short while, another Nurse came into the room and apologized for the general rudeness, but then tried to put the blame on ME, saying "You make yourself small". Frankly I was stunned, but after a few minutes I realized what I was dealing with; the entire hospital had adapted a CULTURE of bully behavior and status-displays. There were enough bullies and immature staff members to actually influence nearly the entire staff to accept this sort of behavior, and even make it the "NORM". Those staff members who did not fit in, who maintained their civility, manners, and respect for others and for patients, were treated with disrespect and disdain.

More than once, I witnessed arguments between staff about who did what, who forgot what, what kind of medicine a patient was supposed to get, what the schedule was, and who was "supposed to" be doing something. This behavior was both in the Chemo area, and in the inpatient areas of the hospital.

The defensiveness of the staff both toward each other and toward the patients belied their insecurity and lack of competence and skill, and also their desire to be on the GIVING END of the Bullying instead of on the RECEIVING END.
In a Bully Culture, it's bully or get bullied.

The entire time I was there with my relative, I saw only ONE Nurse or Nurse assistant who knew how to do proper bed changing and proper patient lifting. (Of course they would assume that I didn't know how, after all I'm short...oh yeah and I make myself small...so therefore I must be shy and intimidated by them, and by their importance...)
I suspected that the nurse who was skilled in lifting and changing patients had worked somewhere else before this job, and I was right; she had previously worked in a couple of nursing homes. She was competent, and she had MANNERS and CIVILITY, because she had confidence in her skills and ability, and also in herself, apparently.

Because of her manners and courteous disposition, I was able to COMMUNICATE with her about my relative's condition, and his needs and wants, and she was able to COMMUNICATE with me, instead of trying to bark statements at me, boss me around, talking over me, "correcting" me, or avoiding me "catching her" not doing her job.

Further along, I found out from an orderly that the hospital had done several local recruitments for employees, and trained those employees on site. So the CULTURE that so many bullies in the hospital were cultivating was being projected directly onto new recruits during their job-training. Also, it's a teaching hospital, so interns were all getting the same "cultural conditioning".

I would have liked to see my relative go to a different hospital, but he didn't want to change, and was worried about his insurance. So that was beyond my control.