Help You Help Yourself

Turn your emotional reactions into signals for yourself about others.
That sting and heat from insults and put-downs are meant to stop you in your tracks. The dark cloud feeling of someone invading your space or trying to exert power over you is meant to herd you into doing their bidding, or pay attention to them instead of what you're doing.

Next time you feel it, stop what you're doing, stop your thoughts, stay silent, and sit still. Don't respond. Or, leave the room, go to the bathroom, (act like you're using it so they don't come in), but don't respond.
Be still and observe, as if you were doing a scientific observation from a glass bubble.
Don't worry, the sting and the heat feelings will dissipate, they always do.

 >What really just happened?
>What did the other person just say or do, really?
>What were you doing?
>Were you trying to concentrate? Were you doing something in the realm of healthy/normal for a human being? Were you speaking in the realm of healthy/normal for a human being? Were you doing something disrespectful or inconsiderate to someone else?
>Would the other person have said or done the same thing to someone else who they respect very much?
>Would you do or say the same thing, the same way, to someone as the other person just said or did to you?
>What do you think their emotional state was, why would a person say or do that?
>Do they do this often?
>Do others around you or them do this too?
>Have you been accepting this behavior as a regional dialect and mindset, as if that makes it okay?
>Do you do it too, so you accept it when others do it?
>Do you think it's civil, healthy behavior?
>Did it help you accomplish your goal, or did it help to stop you, or set you back, or doubt yourself?

The more you do this, the easier it will be to do it, and the easier it will be to spot behavior patterns that are not helping you achieve your goals, or peace of mind.

What to do with the information once you've observed it~ you don't need to confront the person, especially if you're pretty sure it will exacerbate the behavior. Just take it and write it down privately, share or talk about it with a trusted counselor or friend, but ONLY a trusted person who won't turn it into gossip, or use it against you later. Share it anonymously on a support forum.

Happy Scientific Observing!
And welcome to the nerd squad! :)
I would much rather feel unsettled because I know what's going on around me than be controlled by it because I'm unaware.



M.M.Black

Common Put Downs, Control And Domination

Some common ways controllers/dominators try to manipulate and diminish others with shame signals :

> Commenting on something the target is doing with a condescending tone, trying to make the target doubt themselves or feel silly for doing what they're doing:
"What are you trying to do?" "What is that supposed to be?" "How's that gonna work?" "You know what you're doing?" "Have you ever done that... before?" "Seriously?" "You actually believe in that?" "You're gonna waste your time with that?"

>Making negative statements:
"That doesn't look right" "That isn't coming out like you thought it would" "That looks a little crooked" "That's going to take too long" "That's gonna be too hard" "That's impossible" "It's never gonna work"

>Implying incompetence:
"You look like you need help" "You sure you're gonna be able to do that?" "Why don't you just hire someone?" "I'll get so-and-so to help me with this" "That's easier for someone taller" "That's easier for someone stronger" "Why don't you get so and so to help you with that?"

>Direct insults:
"You don't know what you're doing" "You can't do that" "You don't know what you're talking about" "You're too weak" "You should dye your hair" "You should whiten your teeth" "You need to lose weight" "You need to gain weight" "You think you're so smart" "You need to take lessons" "Don't quit your dayjob" "You're so slow" "You talk too much" "You're so short" "You could use some more on the top" "You're too happy" "You smile too much" "You mope around" "You analyze too much"

>Implied insults/incompetence/lesser status via comparison to others (usually said upon seeing you do something or learning that you do something):
"My brother builds bigger decks than you do and builds houses too" "My cousin is a PROFESSIONAL singer..." "My neighbor is a real writer, he writes for magazine" "You would probably learn a lot from talking to my friend who's a professional photographer" "My friend's son races motorcycles professionally, he's been endorsed by Mountain Dew" "My uncle is a pit mechanic at the Speedway" "My Dad's television is twice that size" "My cousin is a professional model, she's drop-dead gorgeous"

Bullies And Dominators

The desire to dominate others often begins in childhood, but it can come from a number of factors. A little boy who bullies other kids and gets away with it can obviously develop this desire to dominate, since he already gets a charge out of it and does not receive consequences for it. That's a kind of a little "monkey" compulsion that lots of normal kids have, both boys and girls; it's seen in ma...ny other animals, also. Humans are supposed to guide their kids how to interact civilly and respectfully, but sometimes they don't, won't, or can't ~(that boy's parents might be chronically ill or something of that nature; you would think another adult would step in, but people don't do that much anymore mostly due to the Narcissism epidemic, and the fear it creates).

The desire to dominate can also come from the other side of that coin; being a target of bullies, or especially a group of bullies. That could happen at school, in the neighborhood, or unfortunately in the child's own home. Plenty of human beings act like bullies toward one or more children in their family, and this behavior can also occur in group homes and foster homes.

Nearly everyone has experienced or witnessed bullying in childhood, especially in school. Groups of bully boys or bully girls will pick on other kids, targeting for all kinds of reasons, but the common denominator is always the "getting away with it" factor. Bullies target kids who seem weaker than themselves, or "different" in some way, ANY way, and ALSO kids who intimidate them for any reason, kids who they envy, fear, or are jealous of.

There are different "types" of bullies on the outside, like the "thug" kids, or the "jock" kids, or the "rich" kids, or the "street" kids, but on the inside they all have the same thing in common: the desire to display domination.

So, targets of bullies can develop the desire to dominate ALSO. The desire to dominate people who they see as over-confident, stuck-up, or are leaving them OUT. They can often feel very defensive, resentful, and even fearful around anyone who displays bully signals or behaviors. This is understandable, however they, like the bullies, are responsible for their behavior and their emotional and mental health when they reach adulthood. If they don't tend to their own healing, they can suffer for years with the affects. Unfortunately, they may also MISINTERPRET the actions and motivations of others, and believe they see bullying, clique behavior, betrayal and condescension where there is simply healthy self-confidence, open discussion, or healthy camaraderie.

In cases of family, foster family, or group homes where children are bullied within the walls of the home~ how does a child survive living with severe bullies if no one is protecting him or her? The child usually does one of two things~ either make themselves scarce, "invisible", which can be very painful and emotionally damaging, or become someone that the bullies fear (also painful and emotionally damaging, but also can provide a sense of relief, some freedom, and a sense of pride/confidence, albeit incomplete, but more than being invisible).
Lots of kids join groups and gangs to become "one of them", which can seem like a way to NOT be a target (either a target of that same group, or of another group.) To children, the world appears as a closed system. They don't KNOW that there is more to the world beyond what they grew up in, they're CHILDREN. So they have no way to understand that there are a thousand other ways of life out there that would give them happiness, peace, or joy.

Many seem to wonder why such a child would not simply join a sports team if they want to show that they're tough or competent, or get good grades in school. The answer to that is that children who have been bullied and/or abused have been emotionally beaten down, and therefore no longer have the confidence, the mental peace of mind, or the belief in their future that is required to even try out for a team, or improve their grades on their own. This child would NEED a strong caring person to help them heal, and protect them from further bullying and chaos, just like if they had a broken leg or an illness. Many people can only understand what they can physically SEE with their eyeballs, like a broken leg or a kid in a hospital bed, so they can't mentally comprehend why a kid would need someone to protect them and help them heal, or mentor them. These uncomprehending people can also make it difficult or impossible for another adult to step in and help a child to heal and grow.

If a child grows to adulthood without anyone to mentor them who is not part of a bully dynamic or culture, they may not ever even know that there is a whole other way to live. They may only think of people as either "Dominant" or "Submissive", "Leader" or "Follower", "Important" or "Insignificant", and not have any idea that they have only seen a small corner of the picture that makes up reality.

Such an adult will interpret the actions of OTHERS as either "Dominant" or "Submissive". This is why they are so reactive. They feel okay when they feel like they are in control, i.e. when they don't feel like they're being challenged, or left out, or humiliated. They can't simply listen to another point of view, or simply share their own, or discuss both without emotional investment, because they see everything as black or white, either/or, right or wrong, good or bad. If your point of view is different from theirs, you are seen as "wrong", or "stupid", or even "oppositional", or further still, "abusive".
They also usually have a hard time with staying on topic, because they quickly dissolve into trying to dominate the other person in a discussion. They often use condescending or personally insulting language directed at the PERSON, instead of keeping their focus on the actual TOPIC. They are always emotionally reacting to others and what others say, and their focus is on the PEOPLE in the room or in the discussion instead of on the actual matter at hand. It is extremely difficult to resolve any issues or matters of importance with such an adult. It is extremely difficult to have a conversation about anything beyond the current weather.

Dealing with such adults requires compassion, understanding, patience, and healthy, well-maintained boundaries. Sometimes distance is required as well.

Rights, Pacifism, And Complacency

I have seen that a lot of people don't seem to realize that there are people who are obsessed with power OVER other people, who want power OVER EVERYONE, not just over some people, and try with all their might to get that power. I guess they must believe, like I did when I was a youth, that simply living in my own peace would make me somehow invisible to these power mongers, and they would simply leave me alone, and I would still be able to live my life just the way I live it already, saying what I believe, expressing my opinion, or staying quiet, keeping a peaceful life. But then I realized~ just because a butterfly makes no enemies and lives peacefully makes no difference to predators, none whatsoever. Earthworms cause no harm to anyone, and are extremely beneficial, but they are preyed upon constantly. If a predator eats all of the butterflies and all of the earthworms, then there will be no more butterflies or earthworms, and the entire biological system will crash, and the predators will die too. This life is a gift. If I am to honor that gift, then I must honor that it's a gift for everyone else, too. And that means having healthy boundaries, which means standing up for myself against boundary violators, and standing up for the rights and respect of others against violators. Anyone can be a boundary violator. Without awareness and standing up against them, we can become violators ourselves and not even realize it.

How Do Control Freaks Keep Control

How do control freaks stay in control?

Shame is one of the more effective ways. A trigger button that often gets implanted in childhood is shame. (not a literal button, but a mental/emotional button.)
Also connected to that button can be chagrin and embarrassment.

Once this button is "implanted" in a person, it can be pushed by anyone who knows how. That means the guy at the grocery store can push it just as easily as the priest at church. Anyone who uses condescension, "talking down", insulting language, bullying language, controlling language or SIGNALS can push that button.
AND those who are controllers will even have the awareness that you RESPONDED to their control language and signals, and now they know they can push your shame button and control you:

>They can get you to react emotionally.
>They can get you to stop doing what you're doing.
>They can get you to LEAVE a group, a class, a job, even a family.
>They can get you to GIVE UP on your goal.
>They can get you to change your point of view.
>They can get you to make a decision you would not have made.
>They can get you to FOLLOW THEM and CATER TO them.
>They can get you to STOP TALKING, and STOP SHARING YOUR POINT OF VIEW.
>They can make you AVOID DOING all kinds of things (even putting air in your own tires or checking your own oil, or cooking dinner, or going for a walk, or mowing the lawn, or hanging out with a good friend.)
>They can get you to DROP doing what you enjoy doing
>They can get you to BELIEVE you CAN NOT LEARN how to do certain things (like play guitar, make art, go to college, sing, cook, do carpentry, drive a stick shift, etc.)
>They can get you to live your life around THEM.
>They can get you to stop BELIEVING in YOUR OWN life, and in the life of someone else as well.
>They can get you to DESTROY your relationship with another person, even someone you love.

We can dismantle a "Shame Button" only through objective learning and observation of the ways people use shame to control and herd others. Objective means we MUST observe both people we don't like, and people we LIKE and agree with. We must be able to see when it is used against others, whether we like that other person or not.
Remember, it's a button, it's not your rational, conscious thought. Liken it to someone handing you a centipede out of the blue~ your reaction will almost definitely be BEYOND your immediate control, you WILL FLINCH, and you will probably flick it away, and you might even jump and yell and look like a scared rabbit. Even if you LIKE centipedes, you'll STILL probably react like this.
That's how "buttons" and "triggers" work.

(If your shame  button is on hair-trigger, you may feel it being pushed even when people aren't actually pushing it, but just because they remind you of someone who MIGHT push it, or COULD push it, or HAS pushed it in your past, like a woman who looks a little like your aunt, teacher, sister, or ex., or a man who looks or sounds a little like your father, uncle, teacher, or bully kid from school, or bully parent from your neighborhood. Sometimes ONE parent will use shame as a micro-managing weapon on their son or daughter, but the son or daughter sees BOTH parents as "shamers", because it can be very confusing to separate them.)

SOME people have such hair-trigger shame buttons that they feel it all the time, like whenever they hear or see a random woman speak, or see or hear a clergy person. These people often are unaware that the shame button is INSIDE OF THEMSELVES, and can harbor gigantic RESENTMENT toward anyone who they perceive as "causing" them to feel shame. For example they could meet the nicest, kindest person who ever lives, who LIKES them very much, but if this person reminded them in any way of a "shamer" from their past, they might just instantly HATE this person, with no logical thought at all.

The feelings when an adult chastises you in a way that displays disapproval of YOU as a PERSON when they see you doing something "wrong" is shame, and embarrassment usually follows shame, especially when there are others around. Embarrassment can also trigger shame, so you can have a circle of emotions that quickly create a subconscious "button".
There is more than one way to guide and raise a child. Casting shame on a child every time they do something an adult doesn't want them to do is not a requirement for guiding them, but many people do that because it seems to work easily, regardless of how it affects the child.

Shame is painful, and so is embarrassment. Using these as a discipline tool is kind of like using an electric fence, or an electric dog collar. It's only actually effective in a community when it's reserved for serious behavior breaches like bullying, physical assault, or theft. When it's used as a frequent discipline tool, it destroys its effectiveness in the community, and skews the self-confidence and understanding of right and wrong in those it is used on, AND ALSO those who it is purposely NOT used on in the community  (favoritism). (The effects of this can be seen all over the world.)

Children who have this shame button will often, understandably, try to avoid having it pushed. They may put more effort into altering their behavior to avoid being shamed than they do into actually living. The shame button can become the central focus in their lives, and they're often not aware that life could be any other way.
Also, adults who frequently use shame as a way to control a child will often also discipline the child further for not reacting enough to being shamed. So if the child does not cringe enough when the adult admonishes them, that shamer-adult will often become angry and indignant, and punish the child further for their own ego injury. Some of these adults may even physically assault a child for their lack of obvious reaction to their shaming.

"Shame buttons" can also be "implanted" by people BESIDES and APART FROM parents, such as older siblings, older relatives, adults in the community, adults at school, coaches, clergy, even other kids.

And to further this issue, children whose parents DO NOT expose their children to ANY shame for their behavior can become easy targets for "Shamers" outside of the family. Also, without any family exposure to it, a child can react to any feeling of shame from outside the family with severe anxiety, strong resentment, anger, even rage or hatred. 

Growing up this way can obviously cause all kinds of problems for a person. Shame is a normal aspect of human life, but in unhealthy communities, families and individuals who desire control, it is used improperly, or rejected completely as "evil", or RESERVED for so-called "INFERIORS".

Shame used alongside fear is the main tool used in groups and regions where one race or sex is exalted as "superior". 

Pathological avoidance of shame (often developed for survival purposes) can be a main contributor to causing several personality disorders, including narcissism and borderline traits.
Shame is often the main weapon, usually along with abuse, that was used on children who develop borderline personality disorder traits.

In families, communities, and regions where shame is used to control one group of people such as a race or a sex, the one that is exalted as "superior" often develops an entitlement disorder, and a severe pathological avoidance of shame, even to the point of assaulting or murdering others to "prove" their ENTITLEMENT to being EXEMPT from shame.

To summarize, when shame is properly used in a family or community only to deter SERIOUS behavior violations like assault, theft, betrayal and murder, then all members of the family and community are usually much healthier, happier, and wealthier in all ways. When shame is used IMPROPERLY, for micromanaging, oppression and control, the family, community, country, or region can end up with all kinds of problems, from low-esteem, to abusive relationship patterns, to family poverty patterns, crime, to massive regional societal problems, mass oppression, blatant wealth/poverty imbalance, even terrorism.

We can dismantle our "Shame Buttons" if we become adept at recognizing when others try to use shame to control.

If you want to see some easy examples of people trying to use shame as a way to control and dominate others, read comment threads on internet posts and articles. There are thousands of examples. Modern political speech and campaigning are also loaded with control tactics using shame, trying to get people to divide and hate. You can hear and see it in quite a lot of "religious" and "spiritual" groups, ironically, which is the LAST place it should be found. You will always find it where you find racial issues (all racists of all races use it) and where you find sexual inequality and separation, right down to your local public schools (all sexists of both sexes use it).  If you want to see it in action for yourself in your local community, go ask to see the budget for your local High School sports programs; you'll probably get turned away, especially if you're a female, and you'll be treated as if you are ASKING FOR SOMETHING YOU "SHOULD NOT" BE ASKING FOR. If they do give it to you, go ahead and review it, and then DARE mention any disparity between male and female students' budgeting amounts and programs. You will almost certainly be opposed, and shame will almost certainly be used against you in an attempt to make you feel chastised, and go away. 
You can even see it being used just by going to a local store, watch how people give social signals and facial expressions to others, expressing their "superiority" or disdain for others. Listen to how some clerks speak to one customer, and then how they speak to another customer of a different race, age, or sex. It's all about shame, avoidance of shame, resentment about shame, and trying to use shaming to express superiority.

Thank Heaven there are human beings who DON'T use shame as a social weapon, or who desire control. The world has hope as long as they are still among us. 

M.M. Black  

Emotional "Triggers"

More on triggers.

Everyone has "triggers". The more mature we are, the more we are able to accept that.
Some have more, some have less. Anything external can become a trigger, like a hot-button for instant emotional reaction or thought. I see a rowboat or guitar, I see my Dad's face, every time. The emotion that seeing my Dad's face brings is a combination of comfort, warmth, love, and loneliness and sadness. He passed away when I was a child. When I see or hear a motorcycle, either a dirt bike or a street bike, I see my brother's face. That thought brings an emotional reaction of comfort, fun, freedom, and melancholy; he lives far away. When I see a mandolin or a banjo, I instantly see and hear my birth father, which brings a combination of emotions like kinship, camaraderie, inspiration, and also pain, frustration and sadness; he passed away not long ago after a terrible fight with illness.
Some triggers bring fear, some bring resentment, some bring pain. When I see a person acting abusively, male or female, toward another person, I see more than one face I have known. The emotions that the thoughts immediately bring are a combination of anger, frustration, compassion, desire to stop it,  and sometimes fight-or-flight. My awareness of this trigger helps me to recognize the emotions and name them, and take responsibility over my actions.
The emotions from triggers can produce some of the same  chemical cocktails that they would if the situation was current, usually not as strongly, but sometimes just as strongly. Some feel good, some feel bad, some make us feel fatigued, anxious, and some make us feel confident, even arrogant. The brain produces more than 50 identified active "drugs" that include neurotransmitters and hormones including adrenaline, cortisol, dopamine and serotonin.

Some triggers can be so subtle it's nearly impossible to isolate and identify them, and others show themselves obviously.

 I knew a person who was triggered at the sight of two young people walking and talking; he would get a flashback from his youth, from when he walked home from school every day along with some neighborhood bullies. He could not differentiate between the flashbacks and the current situation, so he believed those new people were talking about him and were planning to come after him, every time.

Another person I have known was triggered when she saw a blond-haired woman. She had grown up with an Aunt and a cousin who were blond haired; the Aunt she looked up to and admired, but she was very jealous of the cousin, who's father was very attentive. (This woman's father was absent most of the time, and when he was around, he was dismissive and condescending.) As children, she would retaliate against her cousin out of her envy, and of course the cousin didn't like her because of her behavior toward her, which increased her resentment even more. Unfortunately no adults intervened or helped. 
She seemed to have no awareness of her trigger or where it came from; she simply believed her emotions about any blond haired women she saw or met. And if they smiled broadly or laughed out loud, her face would instantly turn "dark", and she would recoil as if they had bitten her, and become angry with them. She would spread rumors about them as well, trying to get others to turn against them. Any blond friends she made would eventually get devalued by her, and get treated with less and less respect, regardless of how kind they were to her; in fact kindness from them seemed to trigger her even more.

A picture can be a trigger, the sound of someone's voice, a TV show, the way someone's hair looks, the way another person holds themselves, the fragrances or odors in the air, objects or animals in the environment, situations and circumstances. When we notice that we automatically LIKE or RESENT certain people before we even get to know them, we are not dealing with facts about the person, we are dealing with our own internal triggers.

"She's pretty, so she's stuck-up and she thinks she's better than me"  is a FAR cry from a realistic assessment of another human being. She's pretty TO ME, my brother might think she's weird-looking~ SHE might not think she's "pretty" either, and regardless of her looks, I have zero way of knowing anything about her actual personality. (If I really think I can assess her that quickly, that thoroughly, that superficially, I need to take some classes in deductive reasoning and some serious humility training.) My instant assessment of her is really a trigger; when I was younger there were a group of older girls in my neighborhood who were dark-haired and mean-spirited, they would bully my friends and I every time they saw us, and on top of that, the older boys in the neighborhood that used to be our friends would not stand up to them because they wanted to date them. Trigger in the making. After that, I have of course met many dark-haired women that behaved in a similar manner, which solidified this trigger~ the factor that this trigger IGNORED was that NOT all dark-haired pretty women fit this behavior. The trigger only paid attention to the ones that DID fit, in order to confirm itself. It's a false assumption. In reality, there are people who behave that way from every race, with every hair color, and both sexes. But the trigger ignores all of that information and ONLY recognizes those who look or sound like those certain humans from the neighborhood, and ignores any information to the contrary.  

A simpler, common example can be seen with people who are afraid of dogs. It's usually CERTAIN breeds of dogs, like German Shepherds. Mike has been afraid of all German Shepherds ever since he was bitten by his uncle's dog, which was a German Shepherd. He does not assess each dog he meets as an individual, he simply SEES a German Shepherd, and FEELS fear.

To take that a step further, Mike's brother Scott was also bitten, and has the same fear trigger of German Shepherds. However, Scott is embarrassed by his fear, so he also resents German Shepherds. Scott is not as aware of his own triggers as Mike, and believes that each German Shepherd he meets is CAUSING him to feel fear, embarrassment, and shame, and he believes that each one actually means him harm, personally.

Becoming aware of our triggers, and of others having triggers, can help facilitate healing and peace in our lives and relationships.

Balancing The Scales Of Anger

It can feel totally unfair and not "right", but we come to a realization at some point that we need to balance the scales.

On the one side we have anger and indignation, even rage at the way we've been treated, which is all completely valid and belongs to us legitimately. Those bricks are heavy, and we can keep piling them on till the sun goes down, and every one of them is valid and true. No reason to take them off the scale, they're real, they've been earned.

http://store.tarotsmith.com/

On the other side of the scale we have the light, airy feathers of peace, forgiveness, love and healing, which can seem insignificant and even silly because they seem to weigh hardly anything. The bricks of anger must be more important, because they weigh so much more. We can feel them in our hand, we can feel gravity with them. The soft feathers of peace and healing are so light, we can barely feel them, they don't seem to make a dent even if we throw them as hard as we can.

How does one balance a scale without removing the heavier weight on one side? The other side needs to be filled up. A pound of feathers weighs the same as a pound of sand. How many grains of sand do we need to make a pound? Probably many more than we would need to make a pound of feathers. If every moment of stress makes a grain of sand, and we've piled up that much sand to make that many bricks that weigh a ton WITHOUT EVEN TRYING, then what would happen if we TRIED to make the feathers of peace and healing, how much faster would the process go?

Can we make more anger-bricks at the same time we are making healing peace feathers? Probably, since we don't really have to try to make the sand and the bricks. But if we're not making feathers, we're still going to be making those bricks; we have HELP making those bricks. Certain others will make them FOR us if we let them. How much help do we have making the feathers? We have to put some effort into making them, and looking for easier ways to make them, and looking for people who can help us make them.

We can balance the scales if we put our minds and hearts to it,  if we put our focus on and embrace making feathers, and if we figure out and remember who we know that likes to make bricks, and who likes to make feathers. ♥ 


M.M.Black

Winners And Losers, Judgment And Shame

When judgment, blame and shame is used against others as a weapon, it's really kind of silly. Show me any human being, any human at all, and we can pick out enough "flaws" to label them a "loser". Easy as shooting fish in a barrel. Anyone of us can be labeled a "loser" right this second, by someone who wants to label us that way, as we sit here (or stand here, or read this at our desk, or on our smart phone, or on the billboard at Times Square, or in an email from the President, or printed and hung on a bulletin board in prison, or at Harvard,  or from the U.N. conference room, or at the Vatican.) Anyone can pick a random human being out of a crowd and list "reasons" why that person is a "loser", but those "reasons" are really just excuses to call someone a "loser".

She doesn't wear makeup so she's a loser, she wears too much makeup so she's a loser, she wears the wrong shade.
>His pants are too loose so he's a loser, his pants are too tight, his pants are too expensive, his pants are torn, his pants aren't in style.. his pants ARE in style...so he's a loser?
>He works at a desk job, so he's a loser. She works in a factory, so she's a loser. He's a stuck-up executive, so he's a loser... she's a high profile actress, she must be stuck-up, so she's a loser...
>She drives an old pickup truck, must be a loser... He drives a little car, has to be a loser...
>She doesn't dye her hair, loser... She dyes it the "wrong" color, loser...She has it cut too short, she wears it too long, she styles it "wrong"...His hair is too long, his hair is too styled, his hair is too short, loser...
>He is working on a novel, must be a loser... he doesn't know how to fix things, must be a loser... he's nothing but a carpenter, loser...he's an accountant, must be a loser...
>She's poor, must be a loser...she's rich, must be a spoiled loser...
>He's ugly, must be a loser... She's very pretty, must be a loser...
>He's short, she's blond, he's light skinned, she's dark skinned, he's from California, she's from Iran, he's Catholic, she's Buddhist, he wears sneakers, she wears workboots... loser, loser, loser!! (?)
>He smokes cigarettes...she does NOT! But... she drinks wine, he does NOT! She plays poker, he couldn't POSSIBLY! He smokes marijuana~ She doesn't... HE thinks SHE is a loser because she doesn't.
>She's good at fixing cars, that makes her a loser? He's an excellent cook, that makes him a loser?

She didn't finish college so she's a loser?
Well, she didn't finish because she didn't see how a person can put their heart into taking care of a family at the same time as putting their heart into their education.
She didn't finish because she was waiting for her husband to finish first.
She didn't finish because she was laid off and her bills piled up, and she put all of her effort into paying them off.
She didn't finish because she was attacked by another human, and the trauma caused her to develop anxiety, so she could not bring herself to go to class with all those people, and no one would help her through it.
She didn't go to college in the first place because she quit high school to help her parents take care of her younger siblings.
She didn't go to college because her family told her it was too expensive.

So, who's the "loser"? The person who didn't finish college because she was dealing with other important things, or the person who's looking down their nose at her, completely disregarding reality? How about the people who didn't help her when she needed it? Maybe they are the real losers.
How about if we EJECT that word and that judgment habit altogether? Then no one gets that "loser" label!
If we were able to finish college, that was a blessing we can feel genuinely grateful for, instead of haughty about.
If we chose not to go or finish because we were taking care of other things, then we can feel grateful that we had the freedom to make that choice, and be genuinely happy for those who did finish.

Anyone and everyone has plenty of things "WRONG" with them, with their thinking, their assumptions, and the decisions they make. When we believe that we are some kind of superior creature, we are deluding ourselves, and we create a negative vibration that doesn't have to be there.

We could simply let go of this compulsion to judge, label, and look for excuses to call others inferior, so we can feel superior to them. We could let go of our desire to condescend and belittle. We could remember that we are all the same species, and practice accepting that we really know hardly anything about other people at all, even those we think we know.  

When our boundaries are healthy and strong, we feel safe and secure in our skin, and have no need to put ourselves above anyone else, or look for reasons why any other human should be put "below" us. Our insecurity and fear is what drives us to desire a feeling of superiority over another human being. When we truly feel secure with ourselves, we simply do not desire any such thing.

Healing From Trauma And Abuse

Healing is the most important thing we can do for ourselves when we have been through or are dealing with crisis, trauma, prolonged stress, and abuse.
Healing is even more important than understanding intellectually what's going on around us; we can figure things out as we go, and it will aid us tremendously in our recovery and in our future. However our main course of action must be, first and foremost, healing.

Recovering our health: emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

If you believe that stress from crisis, trauma, stress and abuse does not affect your body, your entire system, and your life span, think again. We are a living organism, and everything we think, feel and do is connected biologically and chemically. The chemicals that we produce when we are angry, strained, and trying to deal with stressful issues and people can cause a host of problems when they keep getting produced, get produced too much, and don't get flushed out. If we are always "on", they are constantly being produced. They are supposed to give a temporary "nudge", they're not meant for frequent production. Healing our bodies means healing our minds, hearts and spirits.

I've listed things that can help even when you're feeling like you don't want to get out of bed, are too exhausted to do laundry, or face more stress. You can find things yourself, of course, but this is a list you can use to get on the path to healing.

First of all, you need a sanctuary. Some place where you can go, where you feel safe. A place where you feel protected and genuinely safe. You can use any place for this, as long as it's clean and warm enough, and secure.The library, a church, a coffee shop, a bookstore, a room. Some place where you feel safe.
A sacred space, just for you. When you are in this space, remember your sacred spirit.

Play repetitive games or do repetitive mental puzzles. Believe it or not, studies have shown that playing the video game Tetris can alleviate signs and affects of PTSD if played soon after a traumatic incident. Bullying and abuse count as traumatic incidents. Since Tetris can help directly after trauma, I posit that it would help later as well. Think "smoothing my brain waves". Other repetitive tasks and games that are calmly played are often helpful to alleviate stress and calm anxiety. Lumosity is a website that purposely "retrains your brain", it's free to try it.
      Cool site I found :  http://www.freetetris.org/game.php

Watching "wholesome" movies can have a soothing effect on the brain. Television show series that are interesting, light hearted, show good relationships, and have a good message can be very helpful as well. We want low-stress and high entertainment value. Join Netflix or Hulu (regular Hulu is free). I don't know if there's any other sites like that currently. Shows I would recommend because they meet my personal healing criteria include: "Surface", "Dinotopia", "Kyle XY", "Star Trek: Next Generation", and "Merlin". Movies like "Hugo", "Time Bandits", "Tangled", "The Color of Magic", "Matilda", or older ones you enjoyed in your youth.  
>The goal is to let your brain rest and be soothed by a pleasant experience, undisturbed. Watch several in a row if you feel like it.

You have to eat. If you find your diet is erratic or depleted, get yourself protein or nutrition drinks, (not the same as energy drinks) and easy munchables like nuts, trail mix, granola bars, things that are easy and cheap but that have nutrition value. It's very, very important. Drink a protein/nutrition drink whenever you think of it. Like Ensure, Boost, or Slimfast, something you like. Have trail mix around and graze whenever you feel like it.

Music, Music, Music. Calming, soothing songs and tones are very helpful to facilitate short term and long term healing. Anger is a gift, and so is Peace. They must balance one another.

Paul Simon http://youtu.be/-IwYQ1Vqf_4   

Sarah McLachlan http://youtu.be/Hx4RsCfL_fA

Brahms

Meditation http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvXL-YLRq60

Ocean

Express yourself! 
Write! Paint, draw, play your instrument, build things, sing, cook, take pictures, make things!
MAKE THINGS!
Here are some of my poems, I don't mind if you love them or hate them, or don't care about them, what matters most is that I had the opportunity to MAKE THEM!
Click to see M's Poetry

Observe what's going on around you. Who are the players, what are they doing? Click here for suggestion on how to observe more objectively:   Help You Help Yourself
Nature is free, and important. Remember that trees, plants and animals are living beings, and have no agenda. You can love every tree, flower, bird, and animal you see, and they will never judge you or talk about you. They just are, and they are truly alive, so your feelings for them are always real. The stars are always beautiful, and so is the ocean, and the lakes, and the rivers and waterfalls, and the sunrise, and the sunset. They are all still here, just like they always were, and they are all here for you, every day, all day long.

Connect carefully with human beings. Your boundaries need to heal. We don't owe it to other people to let them into our sacred space or past our boundaries. You don't need to connect with all kinds of people. This is your time to be protective of yourself, like you would protect someone else who is healing. Like you would protect your child. Do connect, however do so cautiously and carefully, and with distance and time. It is time to keep others at arm's length. True friends are few and far between, and will understand. Those who don't will fade away, and that's okay.
"Setting Personal Boundaries"

Counseling methods such as talk therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy can all be very helpful. It is good to have a neutral person with whom we can communicate openly, who can help guide us in our recovery. Counselors are human beings too, so they are still to be connected with carefully, with our boundaries in mind.
Click to learn about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Click to learn about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Remember your sacred life. Pray, rest, eat, and pray some more. Get lots of sleep. Go to church and sit in the back. Walk in the Library. Drink Herbal Tea. Go sit by water and just watch.

Take warm soaking bubble baths and/or showers as much as possible. Calgon, take me away, but really, do that. Take it as real healing. Adding Epsom salt to the water is supposed to enhance spiritual healing and cleansing. Adding bubbles to the water makes it excellent.

Healing methods such as Theta Healing and Reiki can be very helpful. Both are energy healing approaches that are administered by certified practitioners. When properly administered, both Theta and Reiki can produce unexpected and amazing results in healing. Belief that they work or that they're real doesn't seem to be a requirement, and just the human caring attention alone is proven to have profound healing properties.  Healing practitioners are, like counselors, also human beings, so they are also still to be connected with carefully, with our boundaries in mind. Theta and Reiki can be practiced at a distance as well as in person.
Click to learn about Reiki  
Click to learn about Theta Healing 

Ho'oponopono is a Hawaiian art of healing. Read about it here : Dr. Hew Len  and here


Here are some more links and names that I would personally recommend to review for your path of healing. You will find your own path and what works best for you. Keep believing in yourself, keep walking, keep believing, keep reaching out, and know that you are not alone.

Lisa Concidine is my favorite Theta Healing Practitioner, and a solid, grounded person at
 (425) 314-4051
http://www.instanthealingnow.net/team-view/lisa-concidin/ 


Wonderful, grounded Reiki Practitioners who I know and would recommend personally for hands on or Distance Healing:


Cynthia Chase is an experienced Reiki Master and also a licensed therapist: Cynthia Chase

Georgia Slesinger counsels with several forms of healing: Georgia Slesinger

Cyndi Joy Lee is an experienced energy healer and Reiki Master, and also a songwriter and musician: Cyndi Joy Lee 250-215-9756

Edie Britt is an experienced Reiki healer at Woven Woman 

Energy Readings With Michele  You can receive an energy reading from Michele, it can help open up understanding and connect some of the pieces of your puzzle.

Links to learn about trauma and abuse, and find more healing, and places to connect and share:

Kim and Steve Cooper

Melanie Tonia Evans

http://www.psychforums.com/

After Narcissistic Abuse There Is Light And Love (facebook forum)

LeAnn Tavares  http://theunwrittenlotus.blogspot.com/2013/04/anxiety.html

Ho'oponopono

Why People Treat Men Differently Than Women

There is only one reason why many people (both men and women) will listen to men more than women, and show respect to men more than women, and give more resources to boys than girls, and expect girls to do what they think girls "should do" and expect boys to do what they think boys "should do", and expect girls to be cheerleaders for boys instead of doing whatever it is the boys are doing, and expect girls to let boys lead them, and expect women to be more respectful to men than they expect men to be toward women,
~and why they do all of this every day while denying it through their teeth.
It's not a whole bunch of various reasons, not really.
It's just one underneath it all.

It has nothing to do with actual reality, except for the reality that humans have compulsions.

Dig deep. Look at it objectively. Look down at the human species from a bird's-eye view, from God's point of view, from the universe's point of view (the universe has no gender or bias), from an alien's point of view.
Look at history. Look at Earth now. Look at Chimpanzees and Bonobos. Look at Dolphins.

There is only reason that humans ever treat one type of human differently than another,
or expect one type of human to live by different rules than another.

You're a human, you can figure it out.

Feelings And Reality

How much should we believe what we feel? Should we take how we feel about others, and about our situations, as factual information?

We all have feelings, that's one of the wonderful things about this life on Earth. Our emotions add tremendously to our living experience. We can feel joy, happiness, elation, excitement, relief, triumph, love, and many more. Emotions also help us navigate life, warn us of impending danger, and help us get out of bad or dangerous situations. They paint our daily basic living with a rainbow of color. Instead of simply surviving from one day to the next, we live. We feel alive!

Of course as with all things, there are some snags to having this gift of emotion. We can get caught up in them and leave logic behind. We can feel overwhelmed by them and make mistakes, or become frozen and unable to move forward. We can make serious missteps, even crimes, when following them. We can even come to be controlled by others who are pushing our "buttons" of emotions.

So, how can we tell when our emotions are leading us in the right direction, or the wrong direction? Especially since they seem to do both?



The answer here lies not in following our hearts, but in learning about ourselves and the way our feelings actually work. We don't actually just feel according to the reality around us, we feel according to how our brains interpret and perceive what's going on around us.



Fear is a common emotion that we humans tend to believe as representing fact. For example, if we fear spiders, we tend to believe they are all actually dangerous, or even deadly. Only a handful of spider species out of thousands in the whole world are actually dangerous to humans. The odds of being hurt or killed by another human are far, far higher than injury or death by a spider. We believe our fear, regardless of reality.


Here is a brief representation of three brothers experiencing a spider.

>When Jay sees a spider, he feels a very faint "startle", but then immediately feels the calm, pleasant excitement of fascination. Still feeling caution, he will carefully investigate the spider, and if it's inside, he will either leave it alone, or put it in a container and put it outside. He feels a respect for the life of the creature, and concern for its survival and well being.

Iraqi Camel Spiders camel-spiders.net

>Jay's brother John, when seeing the same spider, also feels a slight "startle", but then immediately feels fear. John also feels respect for the life of the creature, so he calls his brother Jay and asks him to remove the spider and put it outside.
>Jay and John's brother Joseph also feels a slight "startle" upon seeing the same spider, and also immediately feels fear. Joseph's fear triggers an additional emotion: embarrassment. When Joseph feels fear, he feels embarrassed. In a chain reaction, Joseph's embarrassment then triggers a feeling of resentment. So Joseph's feelings upon seeing the same spider are compounded. Joseph then feels overwhelmed, and he believes that the spider is the cause of his overwhelming feelings. Because he has blamed the spider for emotional overwhelm, he also feels like the spider has actively made him feel this way, and feels angry. Since Joseph has not learned to separate his emotions one another, or from his actions, he follows along with his compounded feelings and tries to kill the spider, as if in self-defense. Even though the spider is just sitting there, probably trying to be invisible, or waiting to find a bug, Joseph feels like the spider wants to hurt him.
>Jay and John stop Joseph from killing the spider, and try to explain to Joseph that the spider is not a real threat to him, but Joseph has no interest in their explanation; he is invested in believing that his emotions are correct. Joseph believes his feelings represent fact and reality.

We can apply the example of the spider to other situations. Another commonly believed emotion is anxiety.

>Jessica has lost her job. She is low on money, and has not found another job. Her rent is due, and her bills are piling up. Jessica looks forward to finding another job and paying her bills back down, and she has explained to her landlord what has happened. Her landlord gives her a "hard time", but Jessica doesn't mind much, she is aware that her landlord has a bit of a controlling streak. Jessica's focus is on getting another job, and she fondly hopes that her new job will be better than the last one. Jessica's feelings about her situation include calm caution, a low level of disappointment, excitement, and hopefulness.
>Jessica's cousin Juliet has also lost her job. She is also low on money and her rent is due. Juliet feels worried about getting behind on her bills and is experiencing some anxiety. She believes she will find another job before too long, but she worries that it will not be as good as her last one, and that she may not find one close to where she lives. She has not told her landlord because she wants to avoid her landlord's emotional reaction. Juliet's feelings about her situation include worry, anxiety, and disappointment, but also a measure of hopefulness.
>Jessica and Juliet's cousin Jocelyn has also lost her job. She is also low on money, and her rent is due. Jocelyn is very worried that she will not be able to find another job, and that she will be evicted from her apartment when her landlord finds out. She has put in some applications, but her anxiety is spilling over into social anxiety, and she can't seem to bring herself to apply at places where the people seem less than friendly. She feels raw, fatigued, and overwhelmed, so the abrasiveness of some impolite strangers increase her anxiety. Jocelyn's anxiety is compounding upon itself, and causing serious fatigue. She is so overwhelmed with it that she is having a hard time seeing past it. The world seems like it is closing in on Jocelyn; she is believing that her anxiety represents objective reality.   

All three of these cousins are in the same situation at this point in time. However, their lives have not been identical all through the years. All three have survived serious situations and terrible circumstances. However, they do not have the same brains. They also do not have the same set of friends, the same childhoods, or the same family support (or lack thereof). They each have different repeated experiences of how others tend to treat them according to their physical appearance in which they have no control over. Each has also put a different amount of effort into learning how to manage their emotions, and learning how to deal with other people.

Their experiences in life up to this point have helped to shape the way their emotions manifest in reaction to different situations, and very importantly, how much of their feelings they believe as representing reality.
Jocelyn's belief in her situation being dire serves to increase the anxiety she already feels. Joseph's compounded feelings about the spider serve to further convince him that his emotions represent reality, and that his brothers don't understand him or care enough about him to protect him.

We can apply this to other people in our lives as well. The trick that our emotions play on us regarding other people is that we tend to feel warmly toward people who seem to accept us, look up to us, and stroke our ego. We tend to recoil against people who we feel envious or jealous of, who don't seem to like us, or who stand up to us when we are acting discourteously.
What we seem to ignore about other people is their actual behavior and actions.
We will remain friends with a person who has acted with obvious disrespect or betrayal toward another person, or even toward ourselves, if we have already decided we like them because they have invoked certain pleasant emotions inside of us for some reason. We may even make excuses for their misdeeds, and defend their "good intentions".
We will, however, often reject a person who has not shown any real sign of untoward, traitorous, or abusive behavior toward anyone, simply because we feel envy or jealousy toward them, or perhaps arrogance toward them. We will even make excuses and fictionalize "reasons" why they aren't worthy of our approval or friendship.

In both cases, we are in compliance with our own emotions about the other person. But we are ignoring reality. We act as if what we feel is an accurate representation of the other person's behavior and character, when in fact, that is far from the truth. Our own emotions act as a kind of veil in front of our eyes when we look at the other person.

Our emotions are a wonderful gift that add to our experience of life, help us to see new things, and help us to navigate and learn. When we are able to embrace them as enhancements to our experience, rather than representing actual straightforward reality, we will find that we have greater freedom and understanding of the world and the people around us.



M.M.Black

Snubbing

The most common behavior that both humans and chimpanzees use to display domination and status is "snubbing". That is, treating a target like they are not as worthy by ignoring them, dismissing them, talking over them, condescending to them, avoiding eye contact with them, shutting them out, and not responding to them. Everyone knows what it is, and how to do it. Those with control and ego issues often use it on a regular basis, but will blame the target for their behavior. It can be a useful tool to use for behavior guidance and situation control when a person is actually causing real and actual disruption or lacks self-control. However, when Controllers learn how to use this tool, they often turn it into a weapon against anyone who they want to dominate or manipulate.

The difference between using it as a guidance tool and using it as a control weapon is quite clear.

Self Confidence, Pride, and Arrogance

Human beings have a tendency to confuse self-confidence and self-esteem with arrogance and entitlement. When we master a skill, or accomplish something we're proud of, we can feel a swell of healthy pride and an increase of self-confidence. When we receive recognition from others for any particular reason, we can feel an increase of self-esteem. These are healthy and normal, and help us build our character and our lives.
But~ since we are only human and not robots, our increased feelings of confidence and self-esteem can sometimes keep rising on us, with or without our awareness, and morph into arrogance. Instead of feeling good about our skill and accomplishment, we add "I am not only good at this, but I'm better than him and her, so that puts me above them as a person." This risen pride also fools us into believing that we will simply remain the "most skilled" in the room, and we can make that part of our identity. When we make that part of our identity, we set a trap for ourselves to have to stay on that throne in order to feel worthy. That throne might seem like the best place to sit, but it's really just a chair that we have to sit in constantly in order to keep it, and keep fighting others off in order to remain there, so we can't even put our full attention into doing the thing we love that got us there in the first place. Neither can we get off of it to do something else when we want to.
A similar thing can happen when we receive recognition from others. We can feel a warm sense of belonging, of initiation from one level to another, such as child to adult, student to graduate, , girl to woman, boy to man, etc., all good and part of life and growth for many. However, since we are human, we can feel not just a sense of belonging and acknowledgement which increases healthy self-esteem, but we can also give ourselves a bit of an extra ego-inflation boost by telling ourselves that we are now entitled over others as human beings. We can end up feeling that since we have been recognized on this new level, that it means whoever is not recognized in the same way is below us, lesser than we are, as overall human beings. When we buy into this feeling of entitlement, we set ourselves up to maintain this image of entitled superiority, which can be a huge amount of work that removes us from true learning and awareness, and also sets us up to trade genuine camaraderie and real friendship for connections with others who are also trying to maintain an image to promote their feeling of entitlement.
When we see these very human, and very common tendencies taking place in ourselves, we can undo them. It can take some time and effort, and we may feel things we haven't for a long time while we are healing, which is wonderful and liberating. Humility brings peace, gratitude, and excitement, and soothes away fear and pain. The hardest part when we are undoing arrogance can be figuring out who is a genuine friend, and who is simply connecting with us in shared entitlement, who doesn't really care anyway. After we figure that out, we can then feel tremendous comfort when we know who are friends really are.

American Patriot

The first test of Patriotism is respect for other citizens, and their opinions, and their freedom to express their opinions. If you want to shut down another person because you don't agree with them, you're not a Patriot from THIS country. If they want to shut you down because of your opinion, then they're not a Patriot either. (This country being the United States of America).That is what "FREEDOM" is. You want it for yourself, you need to respect it for other citizens. Learn to TALK and HEAR, and HEAR and TALK. Without the monkey aggression and domination displays and "I'M RIGHT YOU'RE WRONG" poop throwing. That's what people DIED FOR over and over, fighting FOR individual freedom. You want to be right? So does everyone else. You think you're entitled MORE than another citizen because you're RIGHT? Then you don't get it. Their freedom is YOUR freedom. Your freedom is THEIR freedom. That's what this country is about, if you want to live in a country where only one set of beliefs is "RIGHT", then you're in the wrong place. If you want your opinion to be respected even if it's different from mine, the guy next door, the lady at work, or the President, then you're in the right place. But you have to give that respect, too. 

We all do, it's how we maintain

 FREEDOM.

How Narcissism Feels

A shortcut to seeing inside the mind of a person with narcissism traits~
have you ever stubbed your toe really badly, and your whole being felt engulfed with that awful pain? I have. Or sprained your ankle, or got punched or kicked in the nether regions, broke a bone perhaps, sustained a head injury, or experienced some other all-encompassing pain, whether it was brief or lasted a while. 

If right at that moment of intense pain, a vase fell of the shelf, I would have just let it fall, because my body and brain was completely focused on the overwhelming pain, all my "self" cared about was that pain and injury. If someone fell down the stairs right at that moment, I literally may not even see it or notice it. After the fog cleared in my head I might get all my compassion and empathy and compulsion to help back, but while I'm in that pain, my body and brain are mostly concerned with ME and MY body. (If I stub my toe while carrying my baby, my automatic "protect the baby" will kick in, but it's not really a conscious choice, it's because my brain is equipped with that, and it has not been dismantled.) 

Have you ever fallen asleep while driving, or while working late, or while up feeding a baby, or any other time where you were trying to do something but your body and brain simply feel asleep? At that moment, if a meteor fell out of the sky, I would have still fallen asleep, I wouldn't have helped save anyone or done anything at all, for that moment.
 
Have you ever been so angry at someone that for the moment you didn't feel compassion or empathy for them, only anger?
 
Have you ever felt humiliated or embarrassed so much that you felt victimized, and only felt anger or even hatred toward the other people?
 
Have you ever been bullied or attacked, and temporarily felt nothing but defense, and didn't care all that much about how you got away or stopped the other person (or animal), even just for a moment?
 
Have you ever had someone try to take what belongs to you, or impose on your generosity, or deplete your resources, and you felt nothing but defense and a desire to protect your resources from that person?

Have you ever felt triumphant, exuberant pride in something you've accomplished, and for even a short time felt like you could fly, or like you were princess or a prince, or like Superman or Wonder Woman, or like you had accomplished something superior, or were actually (momentarily) a superior human being? 

Have you ever felt like you were actually better than someone else? For any reason at all, like in childhood when you were in 5th grade and felt so much older and more mature than the students in the lower grades? Or when a car drives by that's dirty or in disrepair? Or because the other person was the opposite sex? Or shorter than you, or not as strong as you? Or because you have a college degree and they don't, or because you get paid more than they do? Or because you believe you're more clever, or more moral, or more spiritual, or more wise?

Those moments of single-minded defensiveness, self-preservation, personal triumph, and temporary arrogance can be used as a window to see into the emotional landscape of a person with narcissism. It's not a full picture, it's just a glimpse, but it can shed light. 

Imagine if you felt such ecstasy of getting recognition and praise for an accomplishment that you became fixated on it, and sought out more recognition and more praise in order to feel that ecstasy again. 
Imagine if the only time you felt truly worthy was when you accomplished something and felt that moment of superiority and conquest! 
If you didn't feel worthiness unless you felt conquest, then that might easily be something you would seek out. 
If you didn't feel worthiness and self-acceptance except for when you compared yourself to another and found them lesser than yourself, even slightly lesser, you may seek out "reasons" that other people are inferior to you, just to feel that sense of worth. That sense of worthiness is vital to a human's well-being and survival, so if that's the only way you know how to get it, then it becomes a matter of survival to you. You might even create fictional "reasons" about others in order to get that feeling of worthiness for yourself if you have self-control issues (this can be a result of being in groups and families that use gossip, fear, triangulation and ostracism in order to exert control; you're only treated as if you're worthy if there's someone to contrast yourself against, someone to put down, or someone to gossip about).

We humans all have a large array of emotions, but we don't all process external events the same way, or feel the same number and combination of emotions in reaction to events and people in our lives. If a person only feels impinged upon when someone else is in need, and does not have the capacity to process empathy or compassion, or see the other person as more than a short list of assumptions, he or she will probably only react with defensiveness or contempt toward the person in need. The experience for this person of someone in need does not encompass the whole situation, they can not see the rest of the situation, so they can't feel anything else but defense or judgment. This person in need is being experienced by the narcissist as one would experience a swimmer who has clamped on to them to keep from drowning, but is pulling them under. Even if the narcissist was a strong swimmer and there was really no danger of the other person pulling them under, that's just how they process it.
 
The narcissist is trying to keep his or her head above water and has no concept of empathy, respect, or helping others, because he or she is engulfed in his or her own survival.

Similarly, the narcissist experiences someone else receiving recognition, attention, or praise as a threat to his or her essential feeling of worthiness and acceptance. Imagine if the only way you would be accepted as a real member of a family or group is to be the "Best", "Brightest", "Strongest", "Best Looking", "Most Talented", "Kindest", "Sweetest", "Most Capable", "Most Reliable", "Most Virtuous", or "Smartest". If you didn't hold one of those titles, they would throw you out on the street, turn on you, ridicule you, or shun you. Without one of those titles, you fear you would get stamped as a "Loser", a "Bad Seed", a "Second Class Citizen", or "Stupid", "Crazy", or "Incapable". You fear this because those labels get stamped on other people by those in your family or group. 

This is one of the ways Narcissism is cultivated in a person; they are treated by those around them as "losers", or as inferior and unworthy, unless they prove themselves to be "better" than someone else, or "the best". It's as if the family or group is living in a movie, and the only cast members who get treated with normal respect and care are those with a Gold Star on their dressing room door, and starring role credits. So, young people especially make it a priority to somehow, some way, get a Gold Star for their own doors, and somehow get their name in the opening credits, just to get treated like they're a real person. From being in this environment, they don't know that they shouldn't have to be a Celebrity in order to get treated with care, real respect, and support. (And they also should not FEAR BECOMING a Celebrity due to talent and skill, just because someone will try to tear them down in envy, or engulf them in order to ride their coat tails or get their credit. But that's a different reaction to the same environment.)

Exploring how a narcissistic person feels is not to be confused with acceptance of abusive behavior, nor does it have anything to do with judging them. It is simply about understanding them, and understanding ourselves, and understanding human beings a little better, so that we can navigate and improve our world and ourselves with more clarity.

Peace and Light.

M.M.Black

Why Didn't I See The Red Flags?

"Why didn't I see it?"
~Because, it seemed normal, familiar, comfortable, and safe. The red flags looked like victory flags; this person GETS me, this person understands me, this person SEES me.

Take bunny rabbits.
There are only two kinds of creatures who SEE bunny rabbits and pay attention to them; other bunny rabbits, and predators.

Other bunny rabbits see each other as individual "persons", and are interested in genuinely listening to one another and getting to know one another; playing, running, and building lives with one another.

Bunny rabbits are also surrounded by other creatures who don't really care about who they are or what they think. These creatures don't care much about playing with bunny rabbits, listening to them, or doing anything constructive or productive with them. They don't care about the thoughts, motivations, or inner worlds of bunny rabbits. They know they exist, but they aren't really interested in being their friend; they won't do much to help them when they need help, and they won't give them credit or recognition for the wonderful things they do. These creatures' lack of care and interest can make a bunny rabbit feel very alone.

Predators, however, ARE genuinely interested in listening to bunny rabbits, and getting to know them, and building connections with them. They pay lots of attention to them, and seem to care very much about what they're doing and why they're doing it. They look bunny rabbits in the eye and watch what bunny rabbits do, and happily follow them around... Just... not for the same reasons. 

M.M. Black

Anxiety Trigger, Depression, Control

One of the main emotional mind-twisters that happens to those who have been in any type of relationship with controllers, abusers, and/or narcissistic people is that when they're happy, you are not. When you're happy, they are not.

Your happiness triggers their control behavior.

This means that anytime you (the target) are doing something, planning something, or experiencing something that brings you joy or confidence, they (the controller) will feel something "negative" such as annoyance, arrogance, jealousy, envy, anxiety, fear, or even the compulsion to stop your activity or feelings, like a cat putting a paw on a skittering mouse (simple compulsion). They follow their emotional reaction with a behavioral action.

So if they notice you go swimming, and swimming makes you happy, they will try to stop you from doing that somehow, using any number of subtle or overt tactics. They might try to shame you about wearing a bathing suit, or swimming in public, or being seen by the opposite sex. They might make it difficult for you to get a ride to the swimming area. They might find tasks for you to do when you plan to go swimming. They might invite themselves along, not to join you or just hang out, which would be healthy, but with the intention of disrupting your swimming experience, or diverting or destroying any human connections you might have made. They might insert their opinion and control over everything you do involving swimming, getting ready for swimming, and your aspirations or goals around swimming.

Their behavior is triggered whenever they notice you are feeling joy, confidence, or peace, because their emotions are triggered.
This leads to you, the target, developing an anxiety response that is TRIGGERED by YOUR OWN JOY, HAPPINESS, OR CONFIDENCE. After a long enough period of time, which can be very short depending on the circumstances, you will learn that when you feel positive, there will be a consequence.

When you feel joy, there will be some kind of consequence.

When you are working on something and succeeding, you will show a signal, and there will be a consequence.

When you are praised by someone or given positive attention, there will be a consequence.

When you make a friend, or connect directly to one of the controller's friends or associates, there will be a consequence.

When you go to bake a cake, fix your car, clean your room, or wash your clothes, buy groceries, repair the steps, get a haircut, get new shoes, there will be a consequence.

When you sign up for a class, or go to practice an instrument, there will a consequence.

When you have an enjoyable time with another person, regardless of who they are, there will be a consequence.


When you do something that shows your talent, insight, skill, or intelligence, there will be a consequence.

When you find something to be very funny, or very soothing, or very fascinating, there will be a consequence!

The consequence could be very big, or very small, almost imperceptible~ but nonetheless, there it is. It might be aggressive and hostile. It might be some kind of shame, silent treatment, or ridicule. It might be more about control and taking over what you're doing, perhaps treating you as if you don't really know what you're doing, or over-complimenting and focusing on you in such a way that implies that you've FINALLY done something right... or correcting and re-doing whatever you've done. There are myriad ways of giving consequences, and asserting control.

So after awhile, you can develop a trigger to your own positive feelings. When you feel good about anything, you feel anxiety. When you feel excitement, you then feel stress. When you feel confidence, you then feel shame. When you feel optimism, you then feel guilt. And so on, and so on.

A real life example:
When you realize it's time to change your oil, you start to plan whether to do it yourself or bring it to a shop, but soon your planning feels negative, and the whole task feels overwhelming. Then, whether you do it yourself or bring it to a shop, it will feel like you made the wrong choice. Whichever you end up doing, you will feel that the other would have been better, and you screwed up yet again. If however the original negative feelings grew more overwhelming, you may have instead pushed it aside completely.

The planning to change your oil gave a natural twinge of confidence. This confidence feeling, albeit small, was the trigger for the anxiety.

Pushing the task aside gives relief from the anxiety that was triggered. Avoiding the task also means avoiding the actual consequences that may occur from any controlling human (such as criticism, ridicule, control or sabotage) when you change the oil yourself, or when you deal with the people at the auto shop.
WHEN we keep pushing aside tasks because we get overwhelmed with anxiety, we can find ourselves in a pattern of stagnation and avoidance. We may find ourselves lonely, or bogged down with unfinished tasks, disorganization, or an escape addiction. We may find that we have anxiety disorders that keep us from participating in life. We can develop depression or illness.

WHY DO THEY DO THIS?

There is but one single reason that controllers give these consequences for all these different things: when the target feels positive in any way, the controller feels compelled to stop the positive feeling. Positive feelings lead to self-confidence. Self-confidence leads to decision-making. Decision-making leads to success, which reinforces self-confidence. Strong self-confidence leads to independence. 

In a controller's emotional processing, independent people leave. Independent people might abandon. Independent people might hurt or betray. Independent people may take away resources and company. Independent people might have more power than the controller, and that either angers them or scares them, depending on the individual. (Different controllers have different underlying agendas; some are quite dangerous, see NPD, or psychopath, but others are not actually dangerous, they just don't know any other way to interact or manage their emotions.)



The other side of this coin is that when the controller is happy, it is usually because he or she is in control. Control feels good to them. That means you are not in control of the situation at that time. The controller can not do things with you, in an equally shared experience. They cannot and will not follow your lead.
They may pretend to, but they won't really do it; they'll keep doing little things to rebel, whether you can see them or not. They can not wrap their minds around true "WE", because they arrange everyone in their minds as either "lower" or "higher", as "leader" or "follower", as "teacher" or "student", as "expert" or "novice".  

They can't be your classmate, they have to be your teacher.
They can't be your friend, they have to be your leader.

They will "follow" someone who they have labeled "Above" themselves, but that's probably not you. You are relegated to "Below" status, because you don't meet the requirements in their mind of being a person who is "Above".  You can only be one, "Below" or "Above". There is no "equal".

Therefore, they can not be happy unless YOU ARE FOLLOWING, and THEY ARE LEADING.

SO, you are probably not relaxed when they are happy, because when they are happy, they feel they are in control over you. Their happiness is tied directly to you, your actions, reactions, and behavior. Also, you know it will end shortly. Their happiness means "uh oh" to your subconscious; you wait for the other shoe to drop. 

The reasons behind the controller's triggers can vary widely, and are usually based in past emotional hardship such as childhood abandonment, trauma, the death of a parent, an abusive family member, having to take care of others or work too much during formative years, or being exposed to adults who behaved in these ways.

In summation, the important point of all of this is that we can develop an anxiety and negativity response that is triggered by our own feelings of confidence, joy, hope, happiness, excitement, and friendship connections. This can be healed, of course, with some effort and focus, after awareness has taken place.



M.M.Black
2013

Identity, Control, Anger and Pain

An interesting trait that some controllers display~ "spurning" people who empathize or relate with them, especially with their pain or anger.
>>> "You can't possibly know what it's like to feel my pain, or have any idea what I've been through, you're not as cool/tough/good/strong/bad-ass/enlightened as I am."
Instead of feeling validated by someone showing support, or relief that someone has con...nected with them or understands where they're coming from, they instead reject and "rebel against" the person. This can possibly come from a long period of dealing with an abusive or neglectful situation when the person felt completely alone and uncared for; in order to survive, the person may have internalized their painful experiences and made them a part of their identity, of "who they are".
Like a professor who has internalized his position of "leader" and "smartest/most experienced person in the room"; instead of embracing a person who is also very smart with common interests and similar talent as a "kindred spirit", the professor will REJECT that person, and feel like he is being challenged and competed with. He has made "smart professor of (whatever subject)" his IDENTITY, and has forgotten that "smart professor" is just a description. If he gets fired or laid off, who is he then? If he has to take medication that clouds his intellect, who is he then? Because he has made his identity all about "smart professor", he has set himself up to have to defend this identity in order to feel like he really exists in the world. When someone shows up who shares this description of "smart professor", he feels like he is losing his "Uniqueness", and will rail against this new person.

So it is with the person who has identified him or herself as "a person who has gone through pain". They have forgotten their true identity as themselves, the original soul, spirit, and child who came into this world, and have added this "person who has gone through pain" to it. There is no blame or shame about it, it's not something terrible that they have done, it just makes it more difficult for them to heal. Rejecting, dismissing, and devaluing anyone who would actually be a kindred spirit means they are shutting out validation, camaraderie and learning. But that is the part of the path they're on; if they can find healing to build their healthy boundaries back up and feel safe again, they will be able to make those connections and heal faster.

Narcissism Behaviors That Wear Us Down Slowly

Some more subtle narcissistic behaviors that will wear you down to a nub if they are coming from people you're around frequently:

>Negative comments. Often veiled as observation, or tacked on the end of a positive comment. "She looks like a confident young woman! That dress is awful, though." "You look nice, let me fix your hair." "You sounded great up there! You should hold your microphone up higher, and smile more."

>Constant conversation steering, back to themselves, not as an empathy validation, like "I've been through that too, I can relate~"(and then tell why and how, and then back to the original topic)" but as a full u-turn, where the conversation never goes back to your experience or observation.
(You): "I was in the hospital last week, they had to remove my head and sew it back on..."
(Them): "My friend's uncle had that done last year! He was 67 at the time, he's never been married, so you know it was hard not having anyone to help him, he had to drive himself to and from the hospital, he has two dogs so my friend's cousin had to take care of the dogs and .... ...."

>Always manipulating plans; yours, mine, and ours. There is never a day when someone says "Hey let's go get pizza" and they say "Okay". There has to be complications, rescheduling, and hopefully, someone will become anxious. There is never a day that was planned ahead that everyone simply does what the plan was. There is never a celebration, party, or gathering that does not include bullying, rudeness, crisis, or anger. (The bullies always blame the target for "creating drama" after they have bullied the target, either directly or indirectly, enough to provoke an emotional response.)

> Frequent streams of complaints, critiques, and opinions about everything and everyone, most of which are deemed objective "fact" by the talker. "The food at that restaurant was bland, but the atmosphere was good, except that it was too dark. I like the waitress, she was very nice, she seemed like a nice person, and she seemed to like me, too, and the service was excellent, but she was too heavy and too talkative...but the prices were pretty good, except that Marty had too many drinks and the drinks are too expensive~ he drinks too much. I wish he would do something with his hair, he can be a nice guy, but he gets too loud when he's telling jokes, and he's in your face with that cigar, but he's a delivery driver and..."

>Always implying that a target was doing something irresponsible, shameful, or wrong, no matter what. If the target went to the store, he or she probably bought too much, or stole something, or bought something they didn't need. If the target went to a movie, he or she probably went to that sleazy one, or probably met one of their weird friends who does drugs, or probably went with a secret boyfriend or girlfriend. If the target went to a friend's house, there was probably drinking, drugs, or bad behavior. If the target just took a drive to get away from all this and find peace, he or she probably really went somewhere "bad", like a bar, or a drug-dealer's house, or to have sex, or to waste money.

>Always implying that the target is wasting time doing whatever he or she is doing; implying that the target's work is trivial and unimportant; implying that the target doesn't really do any work; implying that the target has "always been" shiftless, lazy, and entitled, regardless of all reality, past and present.

>Constantly distracting the target, interrupting the target, and diverting the target from his or her plans, projects, tasks, and conversations with others.

>Literally putting themselves in the way of the target, standing or walking in front of them; inserting themselves verbally or physically between the target and other people the target is talking to; leaving the target out of introductions and conversations when the target is standing right there; or disappearing at public places and events so the target has to go find them.

Not all of these behaviors are necessarily conscious, planned, or diabolical. Some who display these  narcissistic traits are simply acting on their triggers and emotions, and may really have little or no awareness that they're doing something destructive or dysfunctional. Some of these behaviors may have been learned in youth and have just become integrated into the person's behavioral habits. Remaining in contact with others from youth, or others who display similar behaviors, can make these behaviors seem perfectly okay and normal to those who are doing it. Just like dancing the Conga at a wedding, the more people who are participating, the less one is apt to feel anything but normal when they join in.