Incentive Equals Focus.. what's your agenda, really?

If the incentive for a person to do a job is money, then obtaining money will be their focus,
If the incentive for a person to do a job is fame, then fame will be their focus.
If a person's incentive for doing a job is a good reputation (for social or career advancement reasons), then their reputation will be their focus.
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This means that their main focus will not be the job itself, or the point of doing the job, or the well-being of the people around them. That will be secondary, or for a Narcissist, not even on the radar.
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This can be applied to ANY FIELD, and any task, any interest, and any occupation.
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Whatever a person's real focus is, that's what everything else will be tailored to.
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A poignant example that most of us have dealt with (especially those working in the field alongside them) are medical doctors who's reasons for becoming a doctor was NOT because of a desire to heal people or help them stay well, but because it would make them "important", or because they thought it would make them rich.
These are the doctors who found out the hard way that it's not all fun and games and getting to walk around like the actors on ER, or being the "boss" of everyone, or getting to be the "important one" in the family or community. Since their reasons for becoming medical doctors had not much at all to do with caring about PEOPLE, they have very little motivation to treat their patients with professionalism or even actual medical care; they're just not interested; they passed the tests and did what they had to to get through school, get their license, and get hired.

If they happen to do well in school, then others will often ASSUME that becoming a Doctor was their "Passion", but the truth is a person can be really good at something they don't actually care about.  We tend to assume that our talent, skill, and passions align, but it just seems that way. What really happens is that we pursue what we're interested in. In these cases, the interest they were pursuing was filling their bank account and garnering a certain reputation for themselves, NOT "healing people".

Their presence in the medical community makes everything much more difficult for those doctors who are ACTUALLY "passionate" about caring for and healing people. They create more problems and obstacles than they fix, and that affects everyone, patients and the (genuine) medical community alike. They're "wolves in sheep's clothing", basically.

Every field imaginable attracts people who's interests are NOT about the actual job, or the people or animals it serves, but about the MONEY, the reputation, or the power they think they'll get. 
Name a field, name a government agency, name a religion, name a civil rights group, a non-profit group, any occupation at all, and you will find lots of workers in that field who are there ONLY for money, reputation, or "power".
NOT for the job, task, or position itself.

That includes psychiatry, education, social work, music, art, government agencies, medical care, military, healing arts, anything at all. The position a person works in, or their career, is NOT an indicator of the "kind of person" they are.

People tend to understand this concept more clearly when we're referring to organized crime, street gangs, and motorcycle clubs; most people are aware that many members join only because they're seeking to create a reputation for themselves or get rich, so they'll do things that are unethical or criminal in order to get what they want, because that's all they care about. But those people cause trouble even in those types of groups as well. If that's ALL a person cares about, they don't care who they step on to get it.

This is also found, rampantly, in social clubs, arts groups, community organizations, religious groups and organizations, and obviously local businesses and government.

Of the more tragic places it's found, besides healthcare, are education,  non-profit organizations, DMR (dept. of mental retardation) and DCYS (state children's social services). Those who are in need, who don't have a "voice", and who aren't in the position to stand up for themselves are at the most risk of becoming prey of those who are in the field for their own gain, be it monetary, reputation, or social status and acceptance.

Those who are in the education field for their own reputation, agenda, and paycheck are not interested first in the students, or the student's well-being.
They will step on certain students and help other students in order to further their own reputation, agenda, and comfort.
They will maintain the status quo when it helps them, and try to destroy it when it's not helping their personal agenda.
They tend to create factions, and participate in smear campaigns and gossip.
They tend to see families and parents of the students as "ignorant" or the "enemy".
They tend to contribute to the zeitgeist of accepted bullying in a school, instead of helping to diminish it. 
They tend to openly participate in faction-oriented politics.
Their focus and interests are on themselves, their personal interests, and their personal agendas, and NOT on the students.
Helping CERTAIN students that one LIKES does NOT make up for ignoring or stepping on other students due to one's personal issues.  

Co-Parenting WIth A Narcissist

"Co parenting" with a Narcissist means that our kids get their control issues, arrogance, assumptions and manipulations shoved down their throats.
So they might be really, really NOT be into hearing any discipline or advice from the OTHER parent.
The Narcissist might be doing the OTHER thing where they do anything to make the child (adult child included) LIKE THEM BETTER by giving the kids certain things, especially things that we would not allow them to have for their own safety and health, and well being.
So, since the Narcissist is "more fun" to be with (even if it's just brief periods of time when they're not acting mean or cold), and that "more fun" person is painting us in a ridiculously terrible light, of course our kids are going to be affected by that.

Kids don't know what's going on, and they're not SUPPOSED to know. They're not "supposed to" be dealing with this crap at all.
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Before we go beating ourselves down about hooking up with a Narcissist who's messing with our kids' heads, though, remember that we didn't create the Narcissist, who they are, or what they do. Unless we're a Narc. ourselves, if we had insight into the way they would act down the road, especially toward our kids, we would have ran in the other direction, fast.
We don't have to feel horrible about our mistake in choice of partner, our misread; that just adds to the vortex of pain, it puts more energy into the dark spots instead of the Light spots.

Our kids are dealing with the Narcissists in a different way than we are, and they are directly affected. Sometimes, regardless of their outward behavior, our kids have insight that we can learn from.

The best thing we can do for our kids besides obviously protecting them as much as possible from Narc. behavior is healing ourselves, finding who we are again. Put yourself in their shoes; how would I want my own Mom or Dad to be? Let their recovery and development be their own, the thing they need most since they don't have a whole family of healthy relatives, is to have at least ONE who they can identify with and follow their lead. Kids need someone to follow, someone's footprints to walk in. It can't be the Narcs', so it has to be us.

Buying Into Politics

The lifeblood of a Political career is that your constituents buy into the belief that you and your Party are the "good guys" and the other Party are the "bad guys". Then they all focus on the "bad things" the other party is doing, and completely ignore, or make excuses for, what you're really doing. It's typical Narc. manipulation, no different than Narc. manipulation found in personal life or business, just less direct and so less obvious.
So is casting shame on a target (the other party; individuals who belong to the other party).
Without these tactics, humans lose interest and don't follow or vote because they don't feel like they're personally involved. Inciting emotion in voters about each party is the only thing that keeps them in office, especially in such a dysfunctional society.
If you believe that politicians from both sides of the aisle aren't doing this on purpose, think again. They want your votes, so they're trying to get your "loyalty", so they create a "good guy" image of themselves, and smear the other party. Just like Narcissists do in regular life. It's POLITICS, it's not reality.

You will find these same tactics in advertisements. Remember the Coke vs. Pepsi commercials? Give us a break, it's soda pop... let's create RIVALRY between people who like Coke, and people who like Pepsi... And how many people fell for that?!

You'll find the same tactics being used over and over by those whose jobs and careers depend on Public Opinion and Loyalty. Like comedians and journalists, and talk show hosts on television, especially those who regularly commentate on politics, "social issues", and government. They are careful to stay in line with who their audience THINKS they are, because that's where the money is. Lose the audience by saying the "wrong thing", lose your paycheck. It's that simple. If you think they're "Super Rebels" and actually always speak their real mind, think again, they all have writers, producers, and sponsors. And teleprompters.

Look at Major League Sports! Keeping "rivalry" going keeps people buying tickets and feeling loyal to "their team"; it doesn't seem to phase them that team members are being paid huge money to be there, they're not volunteers, they're not "loyal" just because they're so faithful to the team. They get HIRED, they get TRADED, they're not there on that team of their own volition. If Major League Sports didn't pay well, most of those players would be doing something else for a living. If another team offered them more money, they would FLY LIKE THE WIND. Rivalry between "teams" is part of the illusion of the game. They're not GLADIATORS who are fighting for their LIVES, or the lives of their families. They're not soldiers who are fighting for their fans... it's not real, it's a show.

Same as Politics.
All those who hold Office in a country should have the same main interest in mind: the well being of and respect for ALL of the citizens, NOT just the ones who vote for THEM, or who AGREE with them. That's what Narcissists do. 
And that responsibility falls on every citizen as well in a free country. When we stop listening to and trying to understand the Point of View of those in other parties, we have lost our main objective, and our focus. We have willingly become a "nation divided", and that's how Narcissists take over: Divide and Conquer.

It's tried and true, it's been done a thousand times before in governments, and countless times in personal relationships.

Playing "Leader"

Another very common Controller/Narcissist behavior:
Putting themselves in the "Lead" position in any situation, and especially when the situation already had a "Leader".
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~Taking over another person's project, big or small. 

~Acting like an idea someone else had was their own, and taking over the "planning" and "delegation".

~Taking the "lead" after being asked to assist.

~Making themselves out to be an Expert when someone asks their opinion, or just a question (not just answering the question).

~Inserting themselves in a person's project or task when NOT being asked to assist (more severely, trying to take over the task or project without even being asked to assist).

~Standing and watching as a self-assigned "Supervisor" while someone else is doing something, and volunteering advice and criticism.

~Taking it upon themselves to "assist" total strangers who did not ask for assistance, in a tone that implies the stranger is NOT CAPABLE of the task they're doing.

~Giving orders, delegating tasks, and implying that someone is "forgetting something", or is about to make a mistake, in someone else's project, plan, or idea, just for the purpose of giving themselves a feeling of "Leadership" over others.

These are all domination display behaviors.
Many primates and other animals get a chemical reward from the feeling of domination, and will try to get a "fix" from that chemical whenever they can.
And, since those who are addicted to this chemical reward are addicts, they may become very agitated, even angry, sometimes enraged, if one does not ALLOW them to get their fix.

The behavior is often learned from an older family member, but could also be learned from outside the family.
The behavior suggests that the person was not taught how to treat others with respect, or why they should be treated with respect, or what that looks like.

OR, the person may have been taught by someone outside the family that their values were "wrong", and that they should be more controlling and domineering toward certain others, and that it's perfectly okay to "get off" on the feeling it brings.
(Which can easily lead to a person getting hooked on that chemical reward fix from domination.)

It also suggests that the person may have been taught that only certain people should be treated with respect (whatever that might mean in that circle), but that it's fine to assert "control" or "leadership" over others, or that it's fine to rebel against the "Lead" of those certain others.
 
Therefore, the person feels perfectly ENTITLED to assert control and domination over certain people, as if there's nothing at all wrong with it, and if a person protests, then that person is the one doing something "wrong"; besides, the person is blocking their fix.

To be clear, for example, in a culture where one sex is treated with less respect than the other, BOTH sexes will treat that sex with less respect than the other. So people from BOTH sexes will often try to take over the projects or rebel against the "Lead" of people of the one sex, but not the other. They were BOTH taught through modeling from adults that it's fine to assert control over one type of person, and get the chemical reward from domination, but to allow control and accept leadership FROM another type of person.

They can also get a neurochemical reward from following and being lead by certain types of people, so they're getting a chemical fix BOTH from dominating one type of person, and ALSO from FOLLOWING another type of person.

And since this is usually a cultural behavior, they give themselves yet ANOTHER chemical fix from following the CROWD, doing a behavior that's accepted by others and therefore being accepted in the group.

Just because someone gets a rush from domination and tries to do it a lot does NOT mean they are CAPABLE of LEADERSHIP, or MORE CAPABLE, experienced, talented, informed, or intelligent than the person or people they are trying to "Lead".

In conclusion, those who try to assert control and Leadership over others when they were not invited to do so are probably seeking a neurochemical reward, either because they think they're "doing the right thing", or purely from the rush they get directly from dominating others. Those who rebel against the assigned Leadership of others are quite often also seeking a similar chemical reward. Those who FOLLOW and accept Leadership from one type of person (but not another) are also most likely seeking a chemical reward. A "fix". So, anyone who gets in the way of their fix is not going to be taken kindly to.
Be prepared; bucking cultural stereotypes and "hierarchy" behaviors means messing with addicts who don't know they're addicts.

And yes, we are all susceptible, because we are all human. It doesn't make it "okay" or "right" just because we're all susceptible; we're all susceptible to viruses and infection as well.

Narcissism Flag: "Me Too!"

Flag For Envy, Resentment, and Narcissism:

(It's not what you think.)

When a person talks about themselves in a positive way, like if someone mentions a subject and the person says "I do that too" or "I went to school for that" or "I used to do that for a living", or "I used to work there/go to school there", or something of that nature,
and the RESPONSE they get is:
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SILENCE
SUBJECT CHANGE
RIDICULE
DOUBTING
Implication that they're "making it up"
COUNTERING
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All of these indicate that the person responding to their "me too!" holds a fixed image of the person in their mind, and that this "something" they're saying "me too" about is thought of as "ABOVE" this person's ability, experience, and/or status.

Them: "My Uncle is a contractor, he's working on a remodel job out in Middletown right now."
Target: "Oh that's interesting, what kind of remodel job? I used to do remodeling too~"
Them: "Oh well he's been doing it for 25 years..."

Yup, the person talking was not just sharing information, they were bragging about their Uncle because they thought it would make them appear in important in some way, AND they assumed the Target was not a person who would be capable of doing such a (masculine? difficult?) job as remodeling, and so would be impressed. "I used to do remodeling too" was not in the script. Now they're annoyed because their goal, albeit very short-term, was spoiled.
Also, the fact that the Target did remodeling wrecks the whole premise of remodeling being "masculine" or "difficult", and/or it also wrecks the whole assumption that the Target was incapable.
So now... the Target Must Be Punished.. ... ... ... for ruining the bragging session... ... ... ...

When a person is bragging and you say "Me Too!" you're wrecking it!!! (whaaaa!) You're supposed to just be impressed or feel intimidated, not be all happy about finding a new colleague, peer, or kindred spirit!

It can also indicate that another Narcissist has gossiped about the target, and so when the target speaks, the target is doubted or dismissed. But either way, whether the dismissive person is acting of their own volition, or if they have bought into implications from a Gossip, this is a Flag about THEM.
Do not trust a person who treats you like a "silly child" who "exaggerates" or "makes things up" when you say positive things about yourself, especially if you know you're not a braggart.

There is a HUGE difference between the narcissistic behavior of diverting conversation and subject back to one's self, and saying "Oh me too!" when someone else makes mention of something. Like, you meet a person at a friend's house and they start talking about how their brother has Asperger's syndrome, and you say "Oh my niece has it also!" That's not diverting the discussion back to yourself, that's NORMAL HUMAN communicating.
Now if you kept cutting the person off and going on and on about your niece, instead of listening to them say what they were going to say, THAT would be diverting the conversation back to one's self. It's not even close to the same thing.
In a "healthy" conversation, it would be more like "Oh my niece has it also" and the other person would say something like "Oh no kidding." and then they would keep telling what they were telling, and you would listen and hear them talk, and then there would be discussion about dealing with it (no gossip, just information exchange about Asperger's and life with Asperger's, with luck you've found a new ally for your niece and so has the other person.)

It's easy to tell that a person was not just sharing information and talking WITH others by the way they react when someone else says "Me too".
People who are bragging either about themselves or someone they're associated with DON'T LIKE IT when someone else says "Me too".
They weren't seeking a "kindred spirit", and they weren't "sharing information", they were playing King/Queen of the Hill"
Trying to display some kind of uniqueness, specialness, something that makes them better, or "just as good", depending on the individual.

People who aren't trying to display "better than you" or "as good as you" don't feel anything negative at all when someone says "Me Too!"
(unless the person is actually a Narc and does it all the time no matter what, but that's the other side of this coin.)
No, people who are genuinely sharing INFORMATION, or just talking about something they did, they're working on, or someone else did or is working on are either slightly pleased or very pleased when someone says "Me too!" because for Non-Narcissists, kindred spirits are a positive thing. Someone who gets what I'm talking about; someone else who does this interesting or cool thing; someone else who understands.

Is it "them", or is it "me" who's being self-centered...?

Test this:
How much do they listen to you at all? What kinds of things do they listen to you about, and what kinds of things do they seem uninterested in? Time them talking, and time them listening.
What do they talk about? Whom do they talk about?
Do they seem interested in details of your projects, work, or interests? Or are they just glossing vaguely over 'how you're doing', and then dive into details about themselves and about OTHER people they know (probably who you don't know very well, or even who THEY don't know very well, or at all).
Pay attention to how much they talk about themselves and gloat about others they know, and compare it to how much time they seem to tolerate YOU referring to yourself, your life, your accomplishments, and your experience.

Narcissists will brag about OTHER people in order to "show you up", show that they're attached to IMPORTANT people doing important things, and that you're NOT... and that THEIR friends, family, and associates are more important than YOU, more talented than YOU, more intelligent than YOU, more accomplished, more educated, more famous, more wealthy, more good looking, with bigger breasts or pectoral muscles.... fuller lips... bigger ~ .. truck....  etc ad nauseum...

Narcissists will even use family members as someone to boast about, TO OTHER family members, AS IF they're not related to the target also... (selective memory...)

The point is, the intention and goal is to send the message that YOU ARE NOT VALID, YOU ARE NOT AS IMPORTANT, and THEY ARE MORE IMPORTANT,
but....
they want to do it in a way that appears to be just normal, regular conversation
(so they don't get CAUGHT, and so it seems more valid; if they get noticed it will wreck it.
So, notice it! )

Objectivity In Recovery and Healing

Healing and recovery is ten times more important, maybe 100, maybe 1000, times more important than fully understanding why people end up being abusive.
But understanding some of the "why's" helps US in that healing and recovery.
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Emotional attachment is one of the biggest things that can keep us stuck in the circle.

That includes all of the emotions such as ANGER and FEAR.
It also includes things like disgust, disdain, and hatred.

Humans have emotions, we're supposed to, it's a brain/body function. Emotions are attached to our experiences, memories, and thoughts. However since we ARE Human, we DO have the ability, the capability, to look at any situation objectively. Having empathy actually HELPS this ability.

Narcissists do NOT have this ability because they lack empathy; they are welded to their emotions; whatever they FEEL, they think is a FACTUAL representation of reality.

NON-Narcissists DO have the ability to separate emotions from experiences, situations, observations, and thoughts.

Experiencing trauma can hinder this ability, even seem to block it. One of the symptoms of PTSD is triggered emotions that are attached to certain memories, so that can be a hindrance. But we are resilient creatures and the brain can and does HEAL, so that's not necessarily a "permanent" condition.

Objectivity is absolutely one of our abilities as a functioning human being. We might need to practice it more, but we're capable.

Objectivity is NOT the same as pity, sympathy, compassion, or coldness. It is all by itself in definition. It sees what's there without anything else attached to it. No anger, no empathy, no pity, no caring, no hate, no resentment, no sympathy, no desire. It's observation WITHOUT emotion, intention, or bias, not WITH certain emotions or intentions.

When we learn to do a new task, we might be excited or intrigued, maybe anxious; when we've gotten proficient at it we feel proud, when we've done it many times, we might feel like we're "one of the people who do this task"; by the time we've done it a hundred times, we tend to have become objective about it, it's just something that exists, that we do.
Then perhaps when we get to about 150, we're not objective anymore because we're starting to get sick of it. 300 times, now we're really sick of it, by 400 we're getting frustrated, by 700 we're angry, by 1000 we've become resigned to it and can become objective again...

Humans have a hard time with objectivity, that's why they (we) invented "Scientific Method". We CAN do it, it's just hard, but it's the only way we can find real things out instead of just believing our own reactions and filters. That's not a "weakness", it's just how we're built.

When one goes into an Animal Shelter, one sees all kinds of dogs and cats. Some of them are very sweet and cuddly, some of them are indifferent and maybe sick of humans, some of them are excited and active, and some of them are vicious. When the veterinarian comes in to give them vaccines, or when they're brought in to be treated, the vet doesn't just treat the ones she likes, she treats them all the same (unless she has a specific personality disorder, that is.)
If you were to pick out a PET, then picking out the vicious dog or cat would be silly, especially if you have kids.
You're STILL being "objective", you're making a decision based on facts and reality, and projected outcomes based on those facts.
You don't have to HATE or even DISLIKE the vicious dogs or cats to decide you aren't going to bring them home.
But your decision might not change even if you weren't being objective, you might still pick the same sweet kitty cat based on your emotions instead of on reality.
However, what if you weren't YOU, but you were someone with some kind of aggression complex? Who gets a thrill out of owning vicious dogs? (makes them feel powerful by association, like they're the dog...because they own the dog...) What if this person HAS KIDS, or has elderly parents living with them? What if this person's kids have friends in and out of the house? Now objectivity is extremely important, because if this person "goes with emotion" in choosing a dog, it's going to be a vicious one. "Nice dogs" are for "wimpy people", apparently... (eye roll emoticon).
If the person was objective, they would be able to step OUTSIDE of their own emotional reactions, whims, and judgments, and NOT GET the vicious dog and expose their children and the neighborhood children and their elderly parents to it every single day. Objectivity would mean they can make a choice about which dog to adopt WITHOUT their own personal emotions and issues coloring their decision; they would definitely get a "Nice" dog if they were able to be objective.

Without objectivity, this person would adopt the VICIOUS dog, not the "nice" dog.

Because the person would be looking at all of the dogs through a limited emotional filter.
Not assessing the situation from a "bird's eye view".

Objectivity helps us to understand, so that we can know what's going on, and what to work on, and why.

Blinded By The Shaving Cream

Seriously, how is it possible that so many humans embrace prejudice, or pretend it's not happening, or dive under into the murky, suffocating depths of "That's the way things just are!"

Really?

How?!

It's like not noticing a giant zit in the middle of your own forehead.

Or ignoring the cougar staring at you from the neighbor's yard.

"Lalala, if I don't look at it, it doesn't exist!"

Ignoring the meth lab next door... and we all know people do that, so apparently it's the same thing. 

Prejudice, Superiority Complexes, the desire for Domination and the act of accepting and submitting to Domination (in order to stay in the comfort of the group and not get picked on, ostracized, or killed) are just the result of a few monkey traits in Homo Sapiens, and these traits are shared with our close cousins, the Chimpanzees, whether any of us likes it or not.

If we were as evolved as we think we are, the stupid, stupid issues we "deal with" that cause us SO MUCH STRESS just wouldn't exist. And that would look like: NO ONE feels superior or supreme, EVERYONE is accepted, NO ONE tries to hurt others, or act out like a toddler, NO WARS would exist, and we would all be unhappy only because of really big things that are ACTUALLY beyond our control, like Earthquakes and disease and accidents.

Some days it's almost funny...

Fearing Consequences: Double Binds

Targets of "Narc. abuse" often feel like they've lost themselves because they were conditioned to fear consequence from controllers.

What we do, as human animals, when there's a threat in the area:
We stop doing what we're doing and freeze, like deer, like cats, rabbits, and like dogs and wolves; like most land mammals, and other animals as well. We freeze and assess the situation with all of our senses; that's one of the main reasons our senses exist.

So we switch our focus from whatever we were doing to the threat. It's a survival mechanism that's kept us and other animals alive for eons.

Since we are humans with complex brains, some of us learn very early, either subconsciously or consciously, that humans respond to other humans this way also.

When we're in this response, our subconscious has taken over, we are not fully "conscious" and purposeful. We are no longer "Pro Active", we are REACTIVE.

We freeze and wait to see what's going to happen. We wait for a signal, a sign, a movement, in order to react with either fight or flight. Humans more often choose "flight", unless our subconscious believes that the threat is not a real danger.

When we are in a double-edged situation, where we receive consequences EITHER WAY, whether we run or stay and fight, we are in a "Double Bind". This is when our survival reaction switches to another mode: Submission. We submit to the situation we're in, because it's the best option for survival. We'll figure out how to get out of it later, but for now, whatever we try to do will give us a consequence, so we stay put.

Horses and elephants have been "trained" this way.

This submission response is not the LAST resort-reaction, but it means the situation is dire; we feel trapped in place, it's a "no-win" situation. If we fight back we'll receive serious consequences, and if we run away we'll receive serious consequences; the best option really is at this moment to stay in the situation and try to just humor and go along with the "threat".

Kind of like giving a grizzly bear your backpack because you don't think you can outrun it. You fight the bear, you're done, if you run away, it will catch you, and besides there's another bear on the path. Best option: give the bear what it wants, your food. All of your food. Every crumb, and hope that the bear becomes satiated or distracted so you can slip away. Talk sweetly to the bear, get it to calm down, try to get it to stop freaking out, and give it something it likes so it will stop focusing on YOU.

So you get a moment and casually slip away while the bear is chewing on your backpack, trying to open all the pockets. But you know it can smell you, track you, you are on its mind. Now you are not only something to chase, but you are the bearer of the food.

From now on, as long as you've got food to give the bear, it might not attack you.

So do you have any food left? Ahh yes in your jacket, some power bars and some trail mix.

So you run, as fast as you can, somehow get past the second bear, but the first bear catches up with you. So you try to climb a tree high enough so the bear can't reach you, and you take one of the power bars, break it in half, and throw it as far as you can. The bear doesn't notice it... You wave the other half so the bear can smell it, and you throw it near the other one. It works, the bear runs after it.

Now: Do you stay in the tree, or do you run? If you stay there you'll probably die, but then again the bear might get bored after a long while and wander away. But then again the bear can probably knock you out of the tree. But... then again, that's not the only Grizzly around here, when the others smell you and your food, they'll come. Another double bind: stay in the tree, or run?

You're exhausted by now, but you BETTER NOT eat any of that food, you have to save it to give to the bear. And if the bear sees you eating it, it will probably freak out and try to climb the tree or knock it down, or make a racket so the other bears hear; that's supposed to be BEAR FOOD.
Better to hide it in your jacket until you're going to give it to the bear.

Your food is no longer yours, you are giving it to the bear to keep it from attacking you. You do nothing at all except focus on keeping the bear calm and happy. You wait for a safe spot to make your move, but does it ever come? You wait for the bear to get agitated again because if you don't give it food and keep it calm, it will come after you. You worry that your food will run out and then the bear will come after you.
This is survival, and it's how Narcissistic abuse and Codependency works in a general analogy. After a while the dynamic between the bear and you, and the other bears in the area as well, becomes normalized, and is incorporated into your subconscious belief system. "The most important thing is keeping the bear calm, and avoiding drawing negative attention from other bears. Fighting the bear is too dangerous, running away is too dangerous, and dealing with the other bears is too dangerous. This is my only option until I can find a way out."
But that way out never comes, because you are waiting for the bear to make the decision. The fear, anxiety, and fatigue has worn you down, and now your getting too cold, and the sun is going down. You're subconsciously giving up, and resigning yourself to this fate. You sit in the tree, in a kind of strange camaraderie/truce with the bear on the ground below you, (but not really camaraderie). Darkness is closing in and you figure you're going to just be here for the rest of your time on Earth. You can see what's going to happen; either you'll fall asleep and fall, and either break something or the bear will eat you, or both. Or you'll run out of food and the bear will freak out and climb the tree, or knock it down, and eat you. Or you'll freeze to death, sitting in this tree. Or a pack of Grizzlies will join the one bear and knock the tree down.

This is "resignation", and losing yourself. You no longer feel like there are any viable options that will result in you having a real life again, even realistically surviving. ]

The resignation that you feel is a combination of the double-bind submission reaction, and your fatigue and exhaustion.

It's not actual reality; you don't actually know what's going to happen, and you are probably assessing your own capability and strength as lower than it really is, because we do that when we're exhausted to convince ourselves to rest.

There are many other things that could happen. The most likely scenario will be that the bear gets tired of standing there and goes looking for food somewhere else before you fall out of the tree or freeze. You could stay there till the sun comes up, or you could climb down when the bear wanders away and get out of there. You'll be scared, sure, of course. But keep paying attention to the trees around you in case you have to climb one again quickly. If you have to stay in a tree till the sun comes up, then so be it, in the morning there might be another human who hears you and helps you get away. You are probably much stronger than you think, and there are many scenarios for the future that you didn't think of. That doesn't mean there's no threat, it does mean that there are things we didn't think of, people we haven't met yet, and events we can't foresee that could change the situation. When we get stuck in place, we lose hope, so we stay there and assume there's not going to be a way out, but there will be, and there is.

God Complex

One of the stranger things seen often in Narcissism is putting human beings in the place of a deity. Seeing certain humans as god-like, or as actual gods. And therefore seeing other humans as lesser creatures in comparison.
This may be directly connected to the delusional, fantastical perception of the world and of themselves that Narcissists tend to have. Again, normal childhood stages that got stuck, and then internalized into part of their belief system.

So if Elvis is god, or Jimi Hendrix, or the mayor, or the pastor, or Buddha, or their Tai Chi sensei, or the Football coach, or one of their relatives, then what does that make other people, like their kids, their partner, other relatives, anyone else?

Then they have to decide whether they themselves are one of those god-people, or if they aren't.

If they decide that they are, then all the world is under their subjection, and they have entitlement to the throne of supremacy. (God complex).

If they decide that they are NOT, for whatever reason, maybe they're more aware, or aware of consequences others might impose on them for acting like a god, then they associate themselves with these god-people instead.

Either way, everyone else is just a lowly creature (in the N's mind) who should be in awe and worship of these god-people... and if they're not, they're just ignorant, crazy, dumb, or jealous...

Why Narcissists Hate

The reason the Narcissist "hates" a person is because they think the person made them feel badly.
People with Narcissism (not necessarily all sociopaths, not necessarily all psychopaths) typically live life through their egos, and don't know it. So when something happens that causes them to feel any "negative" feeling, or when they feel embarrassed because they feel caught or accused, their "negative" feelings trigger defensive rage.
Not unlike many very young children.

When they feel anything "negative", they look immediately for something external, outside of themselves, to blame. It can't be themselves, because that would mean they are not impermeable, and not perfect, and not "above" others. Even if no one knew they accepted responsibility for something "wrong", THEY would know, and they would have to pass it through their ego. Since they've made their ego into a solid shield, any responsibility they try to take for their own actions or feelings bounces off, it can't get in. It's a barrier against even themselves.

They can dismantle it from the inside, but they would need the "key", and in order for them to get the "key" they would first need to understand that they've turned their ego into a shield in the first place, and that would mean feeling like they did something "wrong". Conundrum. Irony.

Since that's been their protection for so long, they may not want to entertain the thought, at all, of dismantling it. Only they can do it, another person can't make them. It's their free will.

Their shield protects them from feeling real things, especially guilt, remorse, regret, loss, and shame, and fear.

In most cases, at some point in their lives, or several points, those feelings were associated with terrible humiliation, abandonment, terror, and/or physical abuse. Their young minds looked around for people who did not seem to receive consequences from other people, who appeared to live "above" the reproach of others, who were for some reason apparently on a higher rung among humans.

That's who they wanted to become, one of the people who didn't get humiliated or attacked, so they emulated them in every way possible, mimicked them as much as they could. They knew that if they BECAME one of those people, and then if they were ACCEPTED by those people, and especially if others FEARED them enough to believe that they were a "BOSS PERSON", they would never need to be afraid of those feelings again.

And they would get everything those people got: "Respect", admiration, positions of control and power over others, service from others, sympathy from others, praise and applause from others, "LOVE" from others (what they think is love).

Since a person with Narcissism did not learn how to make respectful, healthy, polite connections with others, how a relationship is built and what it's built WITH, they did not learn that demanding love or loyalty is a futile exercise and only serves to push people away.

Since a person with Narcissism did not learn that there is no such thing as "the better people" and "the lower people", just like there's no Easter Bunny, they cling to the fantasy that they are one of the "better people", and they constantly categorize and recategorize others to be in one group or the other, so their relationships are based on whether they've categorized a person in the "better people" group or the "lower people" group, and that can change from day to day. They don't know it's not a real thing (like the Easter Bunny).

A lot of children go through stages of what appears to be "Narcissism", but adults who end up with traits of the disorder did not mature past those stages for one reason or another. People can get "stuck" in childhood developmental stages for many reasons, most often from trauma of some kind.

Sometimes trauma doesn't look like trauma at all.

Your Point Of View

No matter how enlightened and wise one feels, or is, one can not escape the reality that all thoughts, feelings, and observations are limited and from only our own point of view. No matter how hard we try, how much we empathize, how objective, intelligent, or how psychic we are, we can not see the world through anyone else's eyes, hear with anyone else's ears, or feel with anyone else's heart. But that's fine, and a proper thing, because we have something wonderful called 'communication'. When we begin to listen to one another genuinely, we can then hear what they hear, see what they see, and feel what they feel, or at least as much as they tell us. That's the best we've got, and it's enough if it's used well.

Red Flag to Narcissistic Injury

A glaring, bright red, waving "flag" that a person has suffered a "Narcissistic Injury" is attacking another person with criticism about what they seem to be interested in or talking about.

"Is that all you ever do?"

"Is that all you ever talk about?"

"Why are you so fixated on that?"

"You seem to know way too much about that."

"Who are you trying to BE, anyway?"

"What are you trying to accomplish, anyway?"

"Don't you think you're a little obsessed?"

"It's all you ever talk about."

"You are obviously trying to work out deep-seated issues of your own or you wouldn't care so much about it."

"Why don't you just let it go?!"

Why is this a flag? 
Because people only react this way to things that make them uncomfortable.

A person who is a physicist is not given much flak about talking about physics often. Either other people like it, admire it, or they find it confusing or boring, but it's rare that they feel much emotional reaction about it.The only people that might actually try to demean or criticize a physicist in this way are the ones who would take the physicist's interest as a "personal affront", and who would that be? Possibly a person who abhors science, or who is envious and resentful of those they see as "smart". Maybe another physicist who envies the first physicist's ability. Maybe a family member who wants to spend more personal time with the physicist, but that's not really about the interest itself, it would be about the time spent in really relating and connecting.

In the same vein, a carpenter is not given much flak about focusing on their work, or talking about their job, or talking about their trade a lot. People will often initiate conversation about carpentry with them, and in fact might do that MORE than the carpenter would like.

A medical physician might spend the better part of every day talking about health and medicine, and no one seems to have any issue at all with it, except for maybe her husband who just wants to spend more time with her away from work.

A musician (a well-liked and socially accepted musician) could practically wear his instruments as clothing, make musical references to practically everything, tell "glory stories" at every opportunity, and people would say things about him in a positive, admiring way like "He's so into music" or "He lives and breathes music" or "He's such a cool guy" or "He sees everything through music".

***Depending on the regional prejudices and cultural illness, in many areas if a musician who happened to be female behaved in exactly the same way, with no variation, no drug use or any other "deviant" behavior, she would not receive admiration or encouragement, but quite the opposite; she might be treated as if she is obsessed and unstable, even mentally ill. 

So when people are COMFORTABLE with another person's focus of interest, even if the person seems obsessive about it, they will allow it, accept it, even encourage and praise them for it.
When they are UNCOMFORTABLE with another person's focus of interest, they will frequently imply that the person is "obsessed", "fixated", "messed up", anything negative they can think of to try to discredit and demean the person, thereby demeaning their focus of interest. If they get lucky, their hostile, childish bullying and dismissiveness might even convince the person to abandon their interest.

People who feel uncomfortable about another person's focus of study, work, and interest will often even initiate a conversation with them, trying to "trap" them into talking about their focus just so they can have an excuse to say something like "That's all you ever talk about!" The term "baiting" applies to this little set-up, and it is a bully tactic designed to humiliate and demean the person.

When a person is uncomfortable with another person's focus of interest, whether it's work, study, or a hobby, it's a direct reflection of their own FEELINGS.

The fact that they feel uncomfortable says ZERO about the reality of the other person or the interest.
Being uncomfortable with the fact that someone collects weapons feels pretty much the same as discomfort that a man is a daycare worker or a woman is an auto mechanic.

Feelings are not a reflection of the outside world, but a reflection of one's own inside world. So if I'm uncomfortable about my neighbor's apparent passion for ficus trees, that reflects ME, not my neighbor; what is my issue with Ficus trees? Do I only like it when certain races of people have Ficus trees, and my neighbor doesn't fit? Do I associate an interest in trees with only one sex, and my neighbor is the other? Do I have a negative association from childhood with Ficus trees? Do I have other control issues and believe that everyone on my street should have only the same plants and trees as I have? Maybe we should call a neighborhood conference and make a committee... I'll oversee it...

So what's the deal with people who try to "call a person out" on the motive and reasons behind their interest and focus? The deal is that it's much, much more about THEM and THEIR ISSUES than about the person they're trying to criticize. They must be feeling that the person's focus is a threat to them in some way, or they wouldn't even notice it, and even if they did, they wouldn't criticize it.

I can already hear the retorts... "But if my neighbor is collecting guns and bombs and weapons of mass destruction, then I have a right to be uncomfortable and upset!"
Well, of course you do! Just as much as I have a right to be upset about my neighbor's Ficus tree fixation (which is not a fixation, I just call it that to demean them, and it gets me a laugh at their expense...)

There is a very big difference between collecting weapons and being psychotic.

There is a very big difference between really liking Ficus trees, and being perversely obsessed with them, or carving them into weapons.

There is a very big difference between being a real teacher, and being a politically affiliated "right fighter" Narcissist who feels a very unhealthy ownership toward children, and a feeling of entitlement to special privilege because of one's job. A teacher without a job is just an out of work regular human being, just like everyone else; a genuine teacher educates from a place of humility and compassion, not from a high and mighty place of supremacy, entitlement, and judgment.

There is a very big difference between a person who is concerned for another's well-being, and a person who is trying to shut another person down because of their own discomfort, fear of change, fear of losing control over others, or fear of being exposed.





 

Examples Of Narcissistic Injury

To talk theoretically about a topic is all good, but seeing it in action can be the line that connects the dots between theory and understanding it in real life. This page is a collection of examples of Narcissistic Injury, from other's witness and from the author's experience. This list will grow over time to include more examples as they're reported, to shed more light for all of us.

(If something seems out of place, that's okay, no names are used here, and human error is always present where humans are present (although Narcissists would disagree!) so corrections are expected and embraced. 
Not disrespectful criticism or control behavior; actual suggestions for correction. 
Very different things.)

"Narcissistic Injury"
It's like feeling deeply insulted, humiliated, because someone didn't acknowledge a person's greatness, superiority, perfectness, fabulous-ness, saintliness, genius-ness, guru-ness, 'natural entitlement' to special treatment or authority.

Narcissistic Injury is about feeling that their CHARACTER has been questioned,
that their AUTHORITY has been rebelled against,
that their EXPERTISE has been ignored and dismissed,
that their MANLINESS or their WOMANLINESS has been insulted or challenged,
that their DESERVED SUPERIORITY has been violated,
that their ENTITLEMENT has been attacked,
that they are being SEEN AS JUST A REGULAR PERSON who's NOT ABOVE OTHERS.

It is IMPORTANT TO NOTE that most Narcissists BELIEVE, generally, that there REALLY ARE people who are superior to others, naturally.
They believe that there is a REAL hierarchy, based on innate supremacy and innate inferiority.
They SEE OTHERS, certain others, as being SUPERIOR, so therefore when they don't get to be one of those superior people, they feel like they're being cast out from that group, where the safety, warmth, love, recognition, and resources are.

 A few examples of Narcissistic Injury I have personally witnessed (or caused), or others have personally witnessed or caused:

While in a group of friends, one was doing tricks with his bicycle; he slipped on the curb and fell down; he was scraped but not injured, I chuckled sympathetically (as did others, just as when any of us goofed~), he threw his bicycle at me.

In an office setting, a female supervisor kept getting into a foul mood every time the good-looking male Fed-Ex delivery man showed up. I finally asked why she didn't like him, if he had done something wrong; she answered: "I don't know what you're talking about." The following day it happened again, and I overheard her (talking too loudly) to the manager about how one of the clerks always flirts so much with him, and how she thinks she's "all that". (For the record, I didn't witness any flirting, the clerk could be considered an "attractive woman", but she was just the person who was supposed to take deliveries.)

At a job site with my remodeling/carpentry contracting business, the homeowner had hired a local cabinet maker who was a friend of hers. When the homeowner introduced me as the contractor and remodeler, he actually laughed in my face, I thought "wow, issues?" But during the week, someone kept doing little things to sabotage my workspace; at one point someone had carefully stuck several razor blades into the cardboard of my boxes of screws, so if someone reached for them without looking they would get seriously injured.
(Narcissistic Injury: Apparently his identity as a "man" was insulted because a small female (with blond hair) was "being" a Contractor/carpenter, so he actually felt entitled to retaliate for this perceived "insult".)

I met a very famous music producer whom I didn't recognize, and carried on a conversation with. When he realized I didn't know who he was, he said something about my "ignorance" and stalked away.

When an acquaintance of mine attended a concert, she was quite angry and offended that the performer, whom she admired and "followed", did not come out to greet her.

When another acquaintance kept changing plans and telling me at the last minute, and refused to answer his phone when I tried to call about the schedule, I finally mentioned that I didn't like the practice and if he would please be more clear with scheduling; he flew into a rage that lasted for three days.

When I walked in on another person  trashing me to someone else, even though I said nothing at all (I wasn't surprised, I knew she did that) she flew into a rage that lasted for two days. She also revved up the trashing to anyone who would listen.

When I displayed surprise, anger, and hurt about a really outlandish, awful rumor about me that had been circulating apparently for over 20 years, not in person but in an email message; the person who told me about the rumor was offended and upset that I was upset...

When I stood up to a condescending, disrespectful manager at a local supply store where I was a regular Contractor customer. He tried to "retaliate" by demeaning me in the front of the store, loudly. (I called the main office, he was reprimanded, never condescended to me again, but I stopped buying from that store.)

One of the very worst experiences I've personally had with Narcissistic Injury was in the hospital, on the day that the Oncologist told my father that there were was no more time, that he was going to die from his illness and that was that.
First of all, the manner that my father was spoken to for months, not only by this oncologist but by other "health professionals" as well was astoundingly rude, vague, and demeaning; one general practitioner directly insulted his "fitness" when he went in with a hernia after a long round of "chemotherapy", telling him he should do crunches, and that his other patients were in much better shape. Another one made fun of his use of the word "Palpate", and then tweaked his cheek like he would a small child, put his arm around him and said in a shockingly condescending voice "Now, you just enjoy the time you have left."
But the most obvious, horrific Narcissistic Injury RAGE attack display occurred on that day when the Oncologist, with his team (posse) told my father that he was going to die. I had been encouraging my Dad to seek out alternatives, at least explore them, but he was not comfortable with that, so I didn't try to force it, I respected his decisions, of course. There were HIS decisions, HIS life, not mine. After the doctor informed him of the dire news, I asked him if he might want to speak to a certain research and care team in another state, and he agreed, saying it couldn't hurt at this point, and let's try. So, naively, I asked one of the interns on the Oncologist's team (posse) if he had any knowledge of this other place, thinking I was speaking to a fellow science person. His response was dismissive and rude, and he was obviously trying to get away from me. I persisted for just a moment, and he started DEFENDING his posse leader, the Oncologist... as if my inquiry about this other place was a direct and mean INSULT, and of course that was MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than my father's LIFE....  I walked away, obviously angry, and went back into my father's room; the intern followed me and started defending himself IN MY FATHER'S ROOM. After a few minutes, he must have caught himself, and slowed down, even apologized a little. Then he saw his posse leader in the hallway with the rest of the posse, and offered to go ask him if he'd ever heard of the place and if he knows anything... so, again, naively... I followed him into the hallway, expecting for some reason the Oncologist to behave like an adult, especially in light of the death sentence he just issued my father. But instead what I received was a RANT, insulting me and defending his expertise, in the middle of the hallway, in front of the nurse's station.
Tragically the very next day, this brilliant Oncologist administered very heavy chemotherapy to my father's weakened body, he refused to even speak about it. I did not have power of attorney so I couldn't stop it, and I think my father had given up, he didn't say anything. Immediately, his arm swelled up like a balloon, and he lost lucidity; they kept giving it to him for three days, in spite of that; he never returned to his healthy mental state and died two weeks later.

A woman decided to replace the back door on her house. She mentioned it to her husband the way anyone would mention a project to a friend; he immediately went to the store without her to buy a new door, and spent the next day putting it in (without her). (She didn't say anything, she was used to his compulsive and disrespectful behaviors.) When she went to paint it, he stood behind her, criticizing every move she made; how she prepared the door, how she opened the can, how she mixed the paint, what kind of brushes she was using, and how she applied the paint. 

The singer from a local band (A) was working at a job with another local singer (B). Every time a new person would come around, singer A would tell them all about her band and her wonderful voice, and would never mention singer B at all. One day singer A was in another room, and someone mentioned to singer B that she had a wonderful voice; singer A ran into the room and physically stepped between them, and started telling the person about her own band, her vast experience, and her singing voice.

Three couples at a restaurant for a social luncheon. Every time one of the women spoke, one of the other women would talk over her. It happened so much that she stopped talking. When she asked her husband what time it was, the woman next to him again immediately spoke to him, getting his attention away from his wife. When he realized what was going on, he turned toward his wife and away from the others, at which point the two women began throwing him compliments. They did it so much that their husbands couldn't help but notice; they started talking only to each other and whining about their wives. The only two people at the table not participating in the childish social games was the targeted couple, they got up and left, and the other two couples gossiped about them when they were gone. (When the two couples called them for another outing, they politely declined.)

An artist had a roommate (long time acquaintance) who liked to do crafts but was not serious with "fine art". The artist didn't know that the roommate envied him, so he did not think of protecting his artwork or his work space from the roommate. At the end of one particularly difficult project, the artist set up the work so that it would dry and "set", and left a note for the roommate so they would know why it was left out. When the artist got home from work, the artwork had been stacked together and put into a corner, completely ruined; the roommate told the artist "I had to clean up the mess".
On a later occasion, the artist had a sculpture in progress on a desk in a private room; when the artist came home one night, the roommate had laid clothing over the sculpture and destroyed it.

A man wanted to get his girlfriend a keepsake gift to show her he loved her, he picked out a charm bracelet that he thought was beautiful, and more importantly seemed to be something she would like. When he gave her the box, she shook it and laughed, "What the heck is this?" and then opened it and exclaimed "Seriously, what IS this?! Am I supposed to wear this in public?"

A woman was sitting on work break, eating her lunch; a coworker who found her attractive got around to asking her to get coffee. She didn't know it was supposed to be a "date", especially since the invitation was so informal. When the day came, she had to cancel because she had to give someone a ride to an appointment. At work the next day, the coworker refused to speak to her, and even behaved in a hostile way; she had no idea why.

A pair of parents gave their child advice about everything, all the time, about everything she did, from how she should wear her hair to what kind of pants look good on her, to which friends she should have, to what kind of car she should drive, what she should take in college, how to cut her food, how to tie her shoes better, what color nail polish she should wear, how she is sitting in her chair, how long she should sleep and what time she should get up in the morning, well into adulthood. They gave her advice, constantly, and criticism disguised as advice, but not actual assistance, and no recognition or credit for anything she did on her own.
Any advice she refused to follow was seen as outright rebellion, laziness, and ingratitude, and the parents told all of their family and friends about what a burden she was. 

Every time a wife tried to talk to her husband about their relationship, he would shut down, shut her out, yell at her, criticize her, leave, break up with her, or fly into a rage. He literally could not emotionally handle the implication that he was not perfect, and that he was responsible for half of the relationship, or that she was a "real person" who could walk away at any moment for any reason.

Popularity: Good, Bad, or Indifferent?

The less "popular" you are, the less you have to deal with others trying to suck you into their dynamics. In order to be successful in business, a person does not need to be popular socially, and in fact, social popularity can slow a person's business success down, unless the person's "business" is politics or corrupt practices, then social popularity is intrinsic to their "success". But that kind of social popularity is fake anyway, politicians and corrupt business people (cons) need to create a facade that people "like" so that they can get voter support and/or hide what they're doing, respectively. (Not implying that all politicians are corrupt, some are and some aren't, but they all need voter support to keep their jobs, either way.)

As far as musicians, actors, and artists go, having "social popularity" is what it looks like when they have a following, but it's not actually what it is. Liking a person's music, artwork, or sports performance is not the same thing as liking the PERSON, although many confuse the two. "Popularity" is essential to the career of an artist or musician because of how humans follow one another. When a band gets played on the radio, or promoted with posters in a store, or featured on a national talk show, the impression that others get is that lots of people ALREADY LIKE them, lots of people ALREADY KNOW about them. So then it's not only "okay" to like them too, but it's also en vogue. The current trend. I get to be one of the cool kids if I like that band too.

There are many people who don't pay attention to music at all (or go to a movie, or go to an art show, or follow sports) unless they see others doing it, listening to it, and liking it, so that zeitgeist of "popularity" is essential to getting people to want to pay for your song, your movie, your art show, or see you play live.
"If others don't seem to like you, then why should I take you seriously, plus I don't want to be the only one who likes you and risk getting seen as "weird". I want to be part of the "in crowd"
(which includes the "in crowd" who calls themselves freaks and outcasts. If they have a "crowd" at all, they're not outcasts, they just have their own clique that the other clique doesn't accept, and so on. Notice that they reject people who don't fit in with them just as quickly.).

Many popular musicians and artists, actors and writers, and sports stars as well, even politicians and CEO's avoid much genuine social contact with their "fans" (or employees), because of one very poignant reason: MANY humans will stop being a "fan" when they make a personal connection with the star they follow, because the "star" suddenly becomes "JUST" a regular human being to them, and that's not what they want; they want to follow a "higher" kind of person, not just some old dumb every day "Joe" or "Jane". (The awareness that there's no such thing as a "higher human" is often absent.)
Meet and Greets are not real social connections, they're Meet and Greets; the person is on their best behavior, and they almost always have a manager or friend nearby to help them out. When we "meet" someone at a a "Meet and Greet", we're not "getting to know them" as a person, and they aren't "getting to know" us. To expect or demand them to remember us, or like us, is unrealistic and dramatic on our part.

Having a clique following for an artist or musician is important for career survival in a dysfunctional environment; the more dysfunctional, the more important the clique thing is, because so many people are trying to find somewhere they fit in, where they can have the power to reject those who don't. And they will often use following musicians or artists for that purpose.
"WE" all get it, "WE" are of like minds, "THEY" don't get it, "THEY" aren't like "US".
(Works until someone says or does something that bruises someone's ego, then a new sub-clique gets formed; "WE" REALLY get it, "THEY" are poseurs. or "WE" are in touch with reality, "THEY" are in la-la land.)   ~ The ironic thing about fandom is that a very

If we actually have a large number of "friends", they had better be very healthy emotionally and mentally, because if they're not, then we are subjecting ourselves to direct connection with unhealthy behaviors and motives, which usually include some form of manipulation. (Human beings tend to go right to manipulation, domination, and/or hostility when we're emotionally or mentally compromised, not unlike other animals.)

The fewer actual "friends" we have who we're closely tied to, the less risk we are putting ourselves in. Humans tend to reject those who don't fit in with their own emotional wants and needs, who don't "rub them the right way", so the more people we are tied closely to, the more we might find ourselves trying to fit in with their social expectations and points of view, in order to avoid rejection. We can become internally focused, without being aware of it, on making sure we fit in with our social group, whether it's family or platonic, in order to avoid rejection. THEREFORE, we will do and NOT DO certain things that we would have done otherwise to build our career, or to follow our interests.

It is very common for people to sacrifice, hide, and bury large parts of themselves that are quite healthy and positive in order to fit in with one's social group or family, in order to avoid rejection or other consequences.

So the fewer people we are intimately connected with, the less we put ourselves at risk for falling prey to our own human tendencies. We don't have to shut out the world, not at all; we just need to be aware of who we are connecting closely with, and aware of their  emotions, reactions, and behaviors, and doubly aware of our own. Are we doing what we want and need to do to, or are we doing more things that are really about making sure others like us and accept us in our social group?

"Real" friends (or family or partners) who are emotionally and mentally healthy would WANT us to meet our personal goals in life and career, whether it's getting a minimum wage job, attending community college, learning to play guitar, writing a book, going to Oxford, becoming a doctor, publishing a hit song, buying another car, or going sailing. They would be supportive of us, not trying to delay us, or trying to make us feel bad, shameful, or guilty, not trying to make us feel like we're doing something beyond our ability, or just to get attention. These kind of social connections are generally hard to come by. So, it is in our own best interest, and the best interest of our children, that we choose our close social connections carefully.

More About Narcissistic Injury

A main reason people act unsupportive and dismissive toward others is because of "Narcissistic Injury". One does not have to be diagnosed with NPD, one just needs to have a human ego that's inflated, immature, or weakened, and is attached directly to how one wants to be seen by others.
~"I'm going to purposely not acknowledge you because I'm envious of something you did, or something about you, in order to "punish" you, make you smaller in my mind, try to make you smaller in other people's minds, and make myself feel bigger.

"I'm not going to acknowledge that what I feel is envy or a challenge to my ego identity, because that would mean I'm doing something "wrong" and I don't know how to deal with that; so instead I'm going to blame you, and make it out to be that you're bad.

"Perhaps I'll find flaws about you or what you did or said and inflate them, embellish them, and then tell others, in an attempt to diminish you and make myself feel bigger and better.

"Perhaps I'll try to criticize what you did or said, and point out "flaws in your logic", not for reasons of information exchange and learning, but to try and put you down or humiliate you, or make myself seem smarter or more logical than you.

"If I can't find real flaws, perhaps I'll make some up, or turn normal things about you into flaws, and then tell others.

"Maybe I'll treat you with disrespect or hostility to your face as well. Even better if it's in front of others so they might believe that you deserve to be treated that way.

"Maybe I'll purposely exclude you from social gatherings.

"Maybe I'll tell others that you don't care about them, or don't like them, or are too stuck-up, and that's why you didn't attend the social gathering (but I won't tell them that I secretly excluded you.)

"Maybe I'll even sabotage you by telling someone not to hire you, by putting something negative in your work record, by blocking you from opportunity, work, and resources any way I can.

"I can easily create a "hostile environment" by getting others to go along with me about "disliking" you so that you feel so unwelcome, uncomfortable, frustrated, anxious, hated, or even scared that you will stop coming around or quit your job. Then without you around, I can make sure everyone thinks of you in a bad way with a few choice words and implications.

Superior Humans

Keep in mind that those who feel "superior" or "inferior" have to believe first that there is such a thing.

What criteria, exactly, are they using to judge this?
So if I am taller than you, I'm superior to you, which means you are inferior to me.
If that is a truth, then it is also a truth that anyone who is taller than me is superior to me, and I am inferior to them.

If it's true that you are superior to me because your shoulders are wider and the muscles in your arms are stronger than mine, then it's also an absolute that every person who's shoulders are wider than yours, or who's arms are stronger than yours, is superior to you, and you are inferior to them.

Perhaps it's my ancestry that makes me superior to you and yours. My father's father, his mother, her father, my great great great grandparents, but I went back too far, because I find out that those ancestors crossed another ocean far away from another land altogether. Before that, their grandparents were from another tribe from another place. If I keep going, we will find that we are of the same tribe, from the same place, from the same family.

We have similar skin color, so you can't use that to be superior to me, so what's left? My hair color is different than yours, therefore one of us must be superior, and one inferior. Which one of us gets to decide? Don't we both? Or does only the superior one get to decide?

Perhaps it's my sex, my gender that makes me superior to you; in fact, all of the members of my sex are superior to all of the members of yours. So since we are superior, and you are all inferior, we treat you very, very well, and make sure you feel very good about yourselves at all times. We know it must be difficult for you being so inferior, so we are very careful not to ever hurt your feelings or imply that you're lesser than we are. We live our lives being extremely kind, very respectful, and caring for your every need and want. We include you in every activity, teach you everything we know. We never insult or demean you; why would we? Superiors have no reason to oppress or diminish inferiors, because they're no threat.
We include you in every decision because we want you to feel wise. We take everything on our strong shoulders and wise minds, willingly and happily. You are like children and we are wise, strong elders, so we are very, very careful about making sure you are happy, secure, safe, and feel very respected and loved. Since we include you in all things, you don't even know that you're actually inferior, we would never want you to feel that way.

Perhaps it's the money in my pocket. I have less than you do, so that must mean I'm inferior, or does it mean I'm superior? I can't remember which is which...

Who is the judge, who makes up these rules, and are they the same everywhere, in every country, every tribe, every time period, every family?

If one of them is not believed to be true in one place, then why is another believed?

Who is perpetuating them if no one believes them?

Seeing

If you want to see a person for who they are, you first need to learn where to look, and where to stop looking. And expect it to take a good long time.

About Narcissistic Injury

"Narcissistic Injury"
It's like feeling deeply insulted, humiliated, because someone didn't acknowledge a person's greatness, superiority, perfectness, fabulous-ness, saintliness, genius-ness, guru-ness, 'natural entitlement' to special treatment or authority.

To be clear, this is when a person who has Narcissism traits will feel deep insult, humiliation, and therefore anger, like anyone might who feels humiliated. However~ the level and form of anger, the presence of rage, and what the insult is perceived to be ABOUT is what makes the difference.

When a person does not give a Narcissist EXTRA respect, recognition, understanding, leeway, or support, over and above others, over and above themselves, and over and above what would be considered 'normal', courteous, and healthy, and even physically over and above what the person can actually do or afford, the N. experiences "Narcissistic Injury".

The non-Narcissistic artist, for example, wants to be supported and acknowledged by their friends and family, but they don't expect to be LOVED, or LOVED MORE than others, BECAUSE OF their skill and talent. They don't feel that they hold "Higher Status" either in their family, their community, or the world because they are an artist, NOR do they think that "Artists" are Superior Human Beings. They may have "Artist" as a part of their identity, but it doesn't consume their identity, and they don't hold their family and friends to giving them constant praise, and they don't think of themselves as the "only" or "supreme" or "only REAL" Artist in their friends or family group; they aren't in competition for a "recognized position" of "The Artist".

They don't want EXTRA recognition, respect, praise, or support.
If they have healthy boundaries, they WILL expect to be treated with regular respect, civility, kindness, and support, and at the very least, that those who say they care about them acknowledge their work and respect their needs surrounding their work, just like they'd acknowledge another family member or friend who does accounting, who teaches, who knits, who restores old cars, who writes software, etc.
Expectation of normal, civil, respectful treatment from others, and annoyance, anger, or feeling insulted when one is NOT treated with "normal" respect or kindness, is HEALTHY, and is definitely not "Narcissistic Injury".

Having Narcissism means that one has poured a huge amount of energy, effort, time, and passion into their image, how they are SEEN, and their self-esteem is connected DIRECTLY to it. It's their lifeline; it's what a person with Narcissism believes is tantamount to SURVIVAL.
They don't know that they don't need it to survive or to be happy, and they don't know or understand that it's a burden for them that sucks their life energy and genuine happiness from them.

(Frankly, in some groups of humans, it actually IS tantamount to survival, or at least acceptance, which can mean survival; many  know too well what happens to people in N. atmospheres to those who don't "hone" their image and "fit in".)

A person with Narcissism may have been humiliated frequently as a child, experiencing too much injury to the natural ego and self, and therefore tried to repair the damage in this way.
(Different than a person who's brain was born as a psychopath, who would have "turned out" to have Narcissism no matter what their youth was like; that's much rarer, fortunately.)

So, when the IMAGE that a Narcissist holds of themselves is not acknowledged, is challenged, or is not catered to, it means someone is NOT SEEING and RECOGNIZING the Narcissist in the way they want and need others to see them.
This causes painful embarrassment and humiliation, it can feel like cruel ridicule, which usually results in the N. feeling anger or rage.
Because rage is so volatile and consuming, N's usually act on it, in various ways; verbal abuse; breaking down in tears and blaming the other person for making them break down; retaliating by trashing the person to others, saying that the person was abusive to them (some with N. traits may actually experience it as abuse); retaliating in other ways that may be petty or may be dangerous.

~
Narcissist Injury can be experienced:

~ when another person displays ability, skill, insight, and/or talent that the N. views as near, equal to, or above their own;
especially in the same or similar field, or in a field or position that the N. wishes to be in.

~ when a person points out or recalls that an N. was angry, upset, or afraid in a situation.
(not the same thing as projecting one's own emotions onto another person, or making assumptions) 


~ when an N. person does not win first place, or does not receive an award
(not the same thing as being frustrated or disappointed, and not the same thing as being angry about a "fixed" contest).

~ when a person stands up to disrespectful behavior, unfair treatment, or any other discourteous, rude, neglectful or ill treatment or behavior toward them, not excluding abuse.
If they are standing up directly to the N., a rage episode will probably occur.
If they are standing up to someone else, or talking/venting about it, and the N. hears them, the N. will nearly ALWAYS SIDE WITH the DISRESPECTFUL PERSON, NOT WITH THE TARGET OF THE DISRESPECT.
Similarly, the N. will also experience Narc. Injury if a person stands up for someone else who is being treated with disrespect.

~ when a person does not go along with or bow down to the imagined "Hierarchy" and "Status" in a particular group, family, or community.
If a person does not buy into the created "Hierarchy" of who everyone respects more and who everyone respects less, and just treats everyone equally with genuine courtesy, social grace, and respect
(not cherry picking who they treat a certain way, who they don't, or who they simply ignore), then they are a THREAT to the N's "Higher Status" as well, and will probably get scapegoated by the entire group.

~ when a person does not stand up for the N. in alignment with the N.'s agenda.
(This is also seen in psychopaths).
Such as not taking the blame for a criminal act that the N. did, refusing to participate in smearing a person's name, refusing to participate or assist in hurting someone socially, physically, or financially; refusing to "cover for" criminal or cruel behavior that the N. carried out.

~ when an N. is not being permitted to dominate a conversation

~ when a person does not follow the specific advice given to them by an N. person

~ when an N. is not being DEFERRED TO for and about everything

~ when a person infers that they need more privacy, time, or space

~ when a person does not go along with, agree with, or submit to the N.'s every minute decision, request, desire, or plan.

~ when a person says "no" to an N's request or demand (not in a mean way, just because they can't, or don't want to)

~ when an N. is not included with a group (different than being excluded)


~ when a person is excluded from a group purposely, especially if they have Narcissism.
(not the same thing as being upset about manipulative or mean treatment)

~ when an N. feels unsupported or abandoned for any reason
(not the same as feeling upset, sad, or angry about a lack of support or abandonment)

~ when an N. makes a mistake or fails something in front of others (not the same as regret or embarrassment)

~ when an N. does not get treated like he or she is BETTER THAN, MORE LOVED, MORE ACCEPTED, MORE SKILLED, MORE ATTRACTIVE, MORE INTELLIGENT, MORE POWERFUL, MORE TALENTED than another person, especially when in the presence of others.

 ~ when a person whom the N. sees as a "Superior person" does not acknowledge them as a fellow "Superior person", and seek their company or camaraderie.

~ when a person challenges the "authority" a Narcissist thinks he/she deserves to have, naturally, over others, because he/she is so much more (special) than others; not simply due to their job, or the authority elders have over children.
A person who is in any position of authority who has Narcissism is a "double threat", because they don't know the difference between the authority their job entails, and the authority they THINK they "deserve" to have because of how great they are.

~ when a person does not give high praise (not the same as acknowledgement) for an N's accomplishment, appearance, performance, or possession.

~ when a person requests an N. to discuss their relationship, their behavior, or a specific event.
(If the discussion is about how the person is sorry for their mistakes, then it's okay, but if the N.'s behavior or motives might be in question, then rage often results).

~ when a person even remotely questions an N.'s honesty, motives, or agenda.
(An N. would even feel insulted if he or she was asked for their whereabouts at a certain time during a murder investigation.)

~ when a person does not agree with an N.'s opinion or observation.

~ when a person makes a general statement that an N. identifies him or herself with, that's not flattering or praising.
(Such as: "We humans tend to treat others with less respect than they deserve." Reading that as "YOU, Sandra or Joe, treat others very disrespectfully, and you should be ashamed of yourself, and now everyone else knows it, too!")

~ when a person does not seem to feel or show ADMIRATION for the N.'s skill, strength, looks, experiences, talent, or accomplishments.

~ when a person does not treat the N. like an UBER EXPERT in their field, and behave as if they are completely clueless.

~ when a person does not ALLOW the N. to treat them like they are ignorant, stupid, weak, or clueless.

~ when a person stands up for themselves, or even moreso for someone else, against disrespect, ridicule, gossiping, bullying, unfair treatment, or abuse from the N.

Narcissistic Injury is about feeling that their CHARACTER has been questioned,
that their AUTHORITY has been rebelled against,
that their EXPERTISE has been ignored and dismissed,
that their MANLINESS or their WOMANLINESS has been insulted or challenged,
that their DESERVED SUPERIORITY has been violated,
that their ENTITLEMENT has been attacked,
that they are being SEEN AS JUST A REGULAR PERSON who's NOT ABOVE OTHERS.

It is IMPORTANT TO NOTE that most Narcissists BELIEVE, generally, that there REALLY ARE people who are superior to others, naturally.
They believe that there is a REAL hierarchy, based on innate supremacy and innate inferiority.
They SEE OTHERS, certain others, as being SUPERIOR, so therefore when they don't get to be one of those superior people, they feel like they're being cast out from that group, where the safety, warmth, love, recognition, and resources are. 

Most Narcissists, of course, learned to believe this during childhood either by watching others, or actually being taught this by others. The belief that there REALLY ARE Superior humans and Inferior humans perpetuates the Narcissistic person's perception, defensiveness, and rage.

For them, not getting recognized as a superior person is equivalent to RIDICULE, LOSS, dismissal, invalidation, and outright rejection.

A few examples of Narcissistic Injury I have personally witnessed (or caused):

While in a group of friends, one was doing tricks with his bicycle; he slipped on the curb and fell down; he was scraped but not injured, I chuckled sympathetically (as did others, just as when any of us goofed~), he threw his bicycle at me.

In an office setting, a female supervisor kept getting into a foul mood every time the good-looking male Fed-Ex delivery man showed up. I finally asked why she didn't like him, if he had done something wrong; she answered: "I don't know what you're talking about." The following day it happened again, and I overheard her (talking too loudly) to the manager about how one of the clerks always flirts so much with him, and how she thinks she's "all that". (For the record, I didn't witness any flirting, the clerk could be considered an "attractive woman", but she was just the person who was supposed to take deliveries.)

At a job site with my remodeling/carpentry contracting business, the homeowner had hired a local cabinet maker who was a friend of hers. When the homeowner introduced me as the contractor and remodeler, he actually laughed in my face, I thought "wow, issues?" But during the week, someone kept doing little things to sabotage my workspace; at one point someone had carefully stuck several razor blades into the cardboard of my boxes of screws, so if someone reached for them without looking they would get seriously injured.
(Narcissistic Injury: Apparently his identity as a "man" was insulted because a small female (with blond hair) was "being" a Contractor/carpenter, so he actually felt entitled to retaliate for this perceived "insult".)

I met a very famous music producer whom I didn't recognize, and carried on a conversation with. When he realized I didn't know who he was, he said something about my "ignorance" and stalked away.

When an acquaintance of mine attended a concert, she was quite angry and offended that the performer, whom she admired and "followed", did not come out to greet her.

When another acquaintance kept changing plans and telling me at the last minute, and refused to answer his phone when I tried to call about the schedule, I finally mentioned that I didn't like the practice and if he would please be more clear with scheduling; he flew into a rage that lasted for three days.

When I walked in on another person  trashing me to someone else, even though I said nothing at all (I wasn't surprised, I knew she did that) she flew into a rage that lasted for two days. She also revved up the trashing to anyone who would listen.

When I displayed surprise, anger, and hurt about a really outlandish, awful rumor about me that had been circulating apparently for over 20 years, not in person but in an email message; the person who told me about the rumor was offended and upset that I was upset...

When I stood up to a condescending, disrespectful manager at a local supply store where I was a regular Contractor customer. He tried to "retaliate" by demeaning me in the front of the store, loudly. (I called the main office, he was reprimanded, never condescended to me again, but I stopped buying from that store.)

One of the very worst experiences I've personally had with Narcissistic Injury was in the hospital, on the day that the Oncologist told my father that there were was no more time, that he was going to die from his illness and that was that.
First of all, the manner that my father was spoken to for months, not only by this oncologist but by other "health professionals" as well was astoundingly rude, vague, and demeaning; one general practitioner directly insulted his "fitness" when he went in with a hernia after a long round of "chemotherapy", telling him he should do crunches, and that his other patients were in much better shape. Another one made fun of his use of the word "Palpate", and then tweaked his cheek like he would a small child, put his arm around him and said in a shockingly condescending voice "Now, you just enjoy the time you have left."
But the most obvious, horrific Narcissistic Injury RAGE attack display occurred on that day when the Oncologist, with his team (posse) told my father that he was going to die. I had been encouraging my Dad to seek out alternatives, at least explore them, but he was not comfortable with that, so I didn't try to force it, I respected his decisions, of course. There were HIS decisions, HIS life, not mine. After the doctor informed him of the dire news, I asked him if he might want to speak to a certain research and care team in another state, and he agreed, saying it couldn't hurt at this point, and let's try. So, naively, I asked one of the interns on the Oncologist's team (posse) if he had any knowledge of this other place, thinking I was speaking to a fellow science person. His response was dismissive and rude, and he was obviously trying to get away from me. I persisted for just a moment, and he started DEFENDING his posse leader, the Oncologist... as if my inquiry about this other place was a direct and mean INSULT, and of course that was MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than my father's LIFE....  I walked away, obviously angry, and went back into my father's room; the intern followed me and started defending himself IN MY FATHER'S ROOM. After a few minutes, he must have caught himself, and slowed down, even apologized a little. Then he saw his posse leader in the hallway with the rest of the posse, and offered to go ask him if he'd ever heard of the place and if he knows anything... so, again, naively... I followed him into the hallway, expecting for some reason the Oncologist to behave like an adult, especially in light of the death sentence he just issued my father. But instead what I received was a RANT, insulting me and defending his expertise, in the middle of the hallway, in front of the nurse's station.
Tragically the very next day, this brilliant Oncologist administered very heavy chemotherapy to my father's weakened body, he refused to even speak about it. I did not have power of attorney so I couldn't stop it, and I think my father had given up, he didn't say anything. Immediately, his arm swelled up like a balloon, and he lost lucidity; they kept giving it to him for three days, in spite of that; he never returned to his healthy mental state and died two weeks later.  


Article in Psychiatric News
 "Accepting Loss Said to Be Key to Overcoming Narcissistic Injury"

Creative Compulsive Disorder

http://creativecompolsive.blogspot.com/p/creative-compulsive-disorder.html

Capchas

Best one I've seen yet from commenting on The Travelling Hungry Boy's delicious Blogpost:

" occupy suck the "

Actually kind of appropriate, considering the post was regarding dangerously yummy looking Arizonian
Native American Chili Beef Stew...