Focus, Where Is Yours?

Focus.

When there is a person who has some form of Narcissism somewhere in our lives, that is where our minds are usually focused; we think, do, feel, and plan with them either at the epicenter, or at least always "in mind".

People with Narcissism make themselves into a kind of gravity point, and at the same time emanate "fragility". To put it in simple imagery, they're like a salt water crocodile made of fine china. You're always worrying about their bite and their tail whipping, and at the same time you're worrying about breaking them by walking too heavily near them or saying the 'wrong' thing. There WILL be consequences, whether they bite you, or someone else bites you for "cracking" or "chipping" them.

This image of fine. precious, fragile china combined with the snapping, gnashing, wide-reaching, hyper-triggered WRATH of the crocodile is how they project themselves into the world. Some people see more of the precious, fragile china, and other see more of the looming crocodile. So, some feel oppressed by the Narcissist, like one would if they had to live near a live crocodile, and others are very protective of the Narcissist, even hyper-protective, ready to strike at anyone who comes near (even the N's own child).

As a result, people make plans around the Narcissist as a matter of daily living. Much like making a Ming Vas the center of the decor in a room, and always being aware of it when one enters so as not to break it. Or like tiptoeing around and diverting plans so as not to wake or provoke the sleeping crocodile.

ALL plans are made either around the Narcissist or with the Narcissist in mind somehow. One may even feel guilt or shame when a the N. is not included or given control over plans. Others will rally to make sure that the N. is being "treated properly and respectfully", even if they have to throw someone else under the nearest oncoming bus to do that.

Some plans may be hidden from the Narcissist in order to avoid consequences from them like resentment and subsequent "punishment", such as slander/backstabbing or emotional abuse.

Many plans include the Narcissist that would not have included them otherwise. Many plans are made and then given over to the N. to allow them to "approve" or "veto" them, even if the plans have absolutely nothing to do with them. Activities and plans are constantly being reworked or nixed altogether because they might not meet the N's "approval", or PLEASE the Narcissist.

From mundane, daily activities, including basic self-care and self-maintenance, to TV shows, to what to eat for lunch, to what kind of car to buy, to one's clothing, to one's social life, friends and activities, all the way across the gamut to one's career choices, life goals, life partners and where one lives are planned by long habit AROUND the Narcissist, what the N. might approve or disapprove of, what they N would say or do in response to a plan.

This behavior of living around the Narcissist is taught and learned in early childhood, all through the people that a child is involved with.

For example:
In Kindergarten, Christopher is playing with blocks, intently building. Katherine sits down next to him and plays with him, helping to build this wonderful structure. Lee sees them and becomes jealous, and knocks them down.
Now, instead of removing Lee from the play area and giving him some kind of disciplinary consequence (which would help him learn that bullying is wrong), the teacher instead tells Christopher and Katherine to ALLOW LEE to PLAY WITH THEM.

So the teacher, in one fell swoop, just sent a clear message to Christopher and Katherine that they should ALLOW BULLIES to literally walk on them and what they're doing, that standing up for themselves against a bully is not the "right thing to do" and that they should feel SORRY for Lee and PRETEND IT DIDN"T HAPPEN. And a clear message to Lee that it's PERFECTLY OKAY to behave that way, that there will be no consequences, and that other people SHOULD LET YOU disrespect and stomp on whatever they're doing.

This teacher repeats this backward messaging throughout the school year. By the end of the year the children who bullied others in the class have developed a feeling of entitlement and have not learned a thing about manners, respecting others, or social interaction. And the children who were being bullied have developed a habit of looking over their shoulder, coddling the bully kids so they won't wreck their stuff, and feel afraid to stand up for themselves or tell on the bullies, because they know the teacher will not protect them or discipline the bully.

We are taught and modeled this Narcissist-coddling throughout our childhoods in all kinds of situations and groups.

The boys' baseball coach using female words as insults to the male-only baseball team is a widespread practice, and CLEARLY coddles bullying, entitlement, and prejudice. Racist terms (against whites, blacks, or any other race) are used in the same way in many groups.

Why isn't anyone standing up against it?
Because they are being brainwashed to accept it, OR ELSE. Go along with it, OR ELSE. If you're not "one of us", we'll single you out and make your life miserable.
It's conditioning children to accept bully and abusive behavior in order to be ACCEPTED, and also to behave that way themselves.

Everyone PUSSY-FOOTS AROUND the bigots, the name callers, the disrespectors, and the bully-punks-brats. In order to avoid consequences for themselves, and be accepted, even though it's acceptance from people who are obviously very lacking in integrity and respect.

It's not about "political correctness", it's about actual Focus.

When there is a person who has some form of Narcissism somewhere in our lives, that is where our minds are usually focused; we think, do, feel, and plan with them either at the epicenter, or at least always "in mind".

People with Narcissism make themselves into a kind of gravity point, and at the same time emanate "fragility". To put it in simple imagery, they're like a salt water crocodile made of fine china. You're always worrying about their bite and their tail whipping, and at the same time you're worrying about breaking them by walking too heavily near them or saying the 'wrong' thing. There WILL be consequences, whether they bite you, or someone else bites you for "cracking" or "chipping" them.

This image of fine. precious, fragile china combined with the snapping, gnashing, wide-reaching, hyper-triggered WRATH of the crocodile is how they project themselves into the world. Some people see more of the precious, fragile china, and other see more of the looming crocodile. So, some feel oppressed by the Narcissist, like one would if they had to live near a live crocodile, and others are very protective of the Narcissist, even hyper-protective, ready to strike at anyone who comes near (even the N's own child).

As a result, people make plans around the Narcissist as a matter of daily living. Much like making a Ming Vas the center of the decor in a room, and always being aware of it when one enters so as not to break it. Or like tiptoeing around and diverting plans so as not to wake or provoke the sleeping crocodile.

ALL plans are made either around the Narcissist or with the Narcissist in mind somehow. One may even feel guilt or shame when a the N. is not included or given control over plans. Others will rally to make sure that the N. is being "treated properly and respectfully", even if they have to throw someone else under the nearest oncoming bus to do that.

Some plans may be hidden from the Narcissist in order to avoid consequences from them like resentment and subsequent "punishment", such as slander/backstabbing or emotional abuse.

Many plans include the Narcissist that would not have included them otherwise. Many plans are made and then given over to the N. to allow them to "approve" or "veto" them, even if the plans have absolutely nothing to do with them. Activities and plans are constantly being reworked or nixed altogether because they might not meet the N's "approval", or PLEASE the Narcissist.

From mundane, daily activities, including basic self-care and self-maintenance, to TV shows, to what to eat for lunch, to what kind of car to buy, to one's clothing, to one's social life, friends and activities, all the way across the gamut to one's career choices, life goals, life partners and where one lives are planned by long habit AROUND the Narcissist, what the N. might approve or disapprove of, what they N would say or do in response to a plan.

This behavior of living around the Narcissist is taught and learned in early childhood, all through the people that a child is involved with.

For example:
In Kindergarten, Christopher is playing with blocks, intently building. Katherine sits down next to him and plays with him, helping to build this wonderful structure. Lee sees them and becomes jealous, and knocks them down.
Now, instead of removing Lee from the play area and giving him some kind of disciplinary consequence (which would help him learn that bullying is wrong), the teacher instead tells Christopher and Katherine to ALLOW LEE to PLAY WITH THEM.

So the teacher, in one fell swoop, just sent a clear message to Christopher and Katherine that they should ALLOW BULLIES to literally walk on them and what they're doing, that standing up for themselves against a bully is not the "right thing to do" and that they should feel SORRY for Lee and PRETEND IT DIDN"T HAPPEN. And a clear message to Lee that it's PERFECTLY OKAY to behave that way, that there will be no consequences, and that other people SHOULD LET YOU disrespect and stomp on whatever they're doing.

This teacher repeats this backward messaging throughout the school year. By the end of the year the children who bullied others in the class have developed a feeling of entitlement and have not learned a thing about manners, respecting others, or social interaction. And the children who were being bullied have developed a habit of looking over their shoulder, coddling the bully kids so they won't wreck their stuff, and feel afraid to stand up for themselves or tell on the bullies, because they know the teacher will not protect them or discipline the bully.

We are taught and modeled this Narcissist-coddling throughout our childhoods in all kinds of situations and groups.

The boys' baseball coach using female words as insults to the male-only baseball team is a widespread practice, and CLEARLY coddles bullying, entitlement, and prejudice. Racist terms (against whites, blacks, or any other race) are used in the same way in many groups. Bullying within the team or group, or one group against another, is just more "training" to accept the behavior.

Why isn't anyone standing up against it?
Because they are being brainwashed to accept it, OR ELSE. Go along with it, OR ELSE. If you're not "one of us", we'll single you out and make your life miserable.
It's conditioning children to accept bully and abusive behavior in order to be ACCEPTED, and also to behave that way themselves.

Everyone PUSSY-FOOTS AROUND the bigots, the name callers, the disrespectors, and the bully-punks-brats. In order to avoid consequences for themselves, and be accepted, even though it's acceptance from people who are obviously very lacking in integrity and respect.

It's not about "political correctness", it's about actual integrity.

We are taught to accept the behavior of those who clearly show that they don't have it, nor do they have healthy, strong boundaries, and live our lives around their knee-jerk, snappy, long-reaching hair trigger wrath while being ever so careful not to chip their fragile, fine china skin.

The focus of a Narcissist is on themselves, and on making sure that they are the center of everyone else's.

The Lantern Within; Human Connection and Manipulation

All people hold a kind of lantern within themselves, a natural energy that emanates warmth and light, When we are near one another we connect with one another's energy.  Human connection is not just an abstract, new-agey theory, it's actually party of our make-up. Infants who are fed, cleaned, and physically cared for but who are not "connected with" by others can actually die. Children develop serious disorders when they are forced to live without genuine connection to others, and adults have been known to die of loneliness, or even commit suicide from a lack of genuine connection with others. 

It's the main reason we live and work the way we do, in groups. Humans will find all kinds of "reasons" to end up doing something where there are other people, instead of doing the same thing in solitary. 

If our boundaries are healthy and strong, we connect naturally, without trying to control the connection. We don't try to take more from someone else, nor do we shut the connection off from someone else. Nor do we try to control or shut down the connections between others.

Those with certain personality disorders or some mental illnesses focus on these connections, and use them to try to control other people. They may do things such as turn down their own natural energy lantern in order to "punish" another person, so they feel unconnected and abandoned, and to display "power" and "control" over the connection.

"If you don't do everything I want you to do, I'll turn off my 'lantern' so you feel disconnected".  When this is done to a child it can be devastating in many ways, and cause the child lasting damage.

When done to a partner, this can also cause serious damage to the person's well-being and emotional and mental health.

Narcissists tend to purposely connect with others in order to establish trust, and establish a hard-wire connection with the person. The other person has no way of knowing that the Narcissist is purposely controlling the connection, that it's not a natural one. When the Narcissist wants something from the other person, he or she may "plug back in" and give the person a flood of warmth, light, and camaraderie. But when they get what they were looking for, they unplug again.

They may block the connection and their "lantern" on purpose in order to send a target a message of control and "authority", AND to manipulate the target into coming TO THEM in order to "re-connect".

After a while, the target can become 'trained' to be the one who's going TO the Narcissist, without realizing that it's not a two-way street. When a disconnect is felt, the target goes to plug it back in, which is a natural human action. We maintain our connections with others as a matter of daily living.

But Narcissists disconnect on purpose for all kinds of manipulative reasons, training a target to come when they're called being one of them. The palpable "disconnect" is noticed by those with empathy, and Narcissists know this, so they use it.

A target may realize after a while that the Narcissist is not coming to THEM when the disconnect happens. This realization can feel very painful, sad, and bleak; it can feel like abandonment and shunning. However it's really just a manipulation, trying to train the target to stay vigilantly focused on catering to the Narcissist. When the target realizes the game and tries to put a stop to it, the Narcissist will inevitably deny it and defend themselves, and probably have a melt-down. This meltdown gives them an excuse to continue the behavior.

Narcissists rarely ACTUALLY "discard" another person completely. Most "discards" are not complete, they're just a more extreme version of this same control behavior. They don't actually LET GO of the person in most cases, they are still playing this same control game no matter how much it looks like a "discard". That's why they slander and smear the person, refuse to let go or leave, refuse to talk about anything, or show up weeks, months, or years later, or keep in contact with the person's friends and family.

They Don't Like Your Confidence Or Ability

There are a lot of people in the world who don't like it when someone else is strong in themselves. They are dangerous because they don't live their own lives, they live in reaction to others instead. These are the people who focus on controlling, judging, and dominating others instead of themselves.

These people create elaborate, fictional illusions of who they want to be "strong" and who they want to be "weak", all based on their own fantasy world they've made up around their comfort and weakened egos. They need certain people to seem stronger so they can feel SAFE, and certain other people to seem weaker so they can feel SUPERIOR. They want both, "safe" and "superior", and the way they get those feelings is by re-creating their own pretend version of the world.

Whomever they want to be "strong", they will TREAT AS "strong", as if they are VERY strong, and capable, and able to learn quickly. Strong-bodied and strong-minded, they will treat them as. Regardless of the real person underneath.
They will set the person's world up so that they are ensconced in only certain play and certain learning. They will make sure that others treat the person in specified ways that "show respect" toward the person. They will convince the person that this "respect" is their birthright, and that they deserve it more than certain others. This has nothing to do with the other person who is being trained and modeled into believing themselves to be one of the "strong bodied, strong-minded" people, it's all about OTHER people's fictional world designed to make themselves feel safe. 

Whomever they want to be "weak", they will TREAT AS "weak" as if they were born that way, and as if no matter what they did, there's no way for them to prove that they're NOT weak. Utterly regardless of reality.. 
They will set the person's world up so that they are surrounded by and ensconced in only certain types of play and learning; they won't be permitted to learn or experience other things that might show their real strength of body or mind. They are kept separate from those who are being trained to believe themselves to be the "strong ones", in order to prevent direct communication, bonding, genuine competition and camaraderie. They are made to believe, through direct and indirect belittling, that they are not capable of doing things that the "strong ones' can do, and they are prevented, BLOCKED, from proving that they indeed are perfectly capable.

Both those being conditioned to believe themselves to be a "strong one" or a "weak one" are being conditioned for reasons OTHER THAN their own well-being and growth as a human being, and for reasons OTHER THAN "what is good for society". The brainwashing can be so deep and so effective that in a given region, BOTH targets ("strong ones" and "weak ones") can be seen and heard adamantly defending what they believe to be their innate, natural tendencies and capabilities, and lack thereof.

In other words, conditioned individuals NO LONGER STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES and say "I CAN DO THAT! I AM CAPABLE OF THAT!" like they would have in a healthy environment.
They actually have been convinced to believe that they are NOT CAPABLE of learning how to do certain things, because of the category that other people have forced them into.

Since they BELIEVE it, they have internalized it, they won't even TRY TO LEARN, won't even TRY, won't even ATTEMPT to learn something that they've been told only the other people are capable of doing or learning.

Since they have internalized it into their IDENTITY, they will ALSO FORCE THESE BELIEFS ONTO OTHERS. They perpetuate and contribute to the whole fictional, fantastic illusion themselves by playing the part, and projecting the parts onto others. So if someone appears who they think "SHOULD BE" in the "Strong Ones" category, but the person is not behaving like the others, they will try to force them into conforming, or reject them as a human being.

If someone appears who they think "SHOULD BE" in the "Weak Ones" category, and the person is not apparently behaving the same way as everyone else, as a "weak one", (which usually includes feigning a lack of confidence, ability and skill in many things, and deferring to anyone in the 'strong ones' category), there will also be an attempt to FORCE them into behaving like everyone else such as acting inappropriately meek, submissive and self-deprecating. Shame and shunning is almost always immediately used to try to force a person to conform to "weak ones" behavior. Aggression, rejection and threats, sometimes even physical abuse may be used as well, depending on the level of delusional illness on the part of the attacker. 

Holiday Anger

Today is one of the days in the year, for me, when I have a hard time with all of the feelings that make me want to scream into satellite bullhorn, blasting all of the windows of all of the Narcissists in the world, both who I've known and who I haven't met, for the damage they have done and keep doing. The Narcissists through the generations who have turned innocent children into shells of themselves and/or into Narcissists themselves, sending the damage down through each generation and across worlds. Tearing apart lives and families and communities and countries. Twisting what could and should be joyous celebration and togetherness into some convoluted ape-domination display and manipulation competition. Trashing and disrespecting all the effort, sacrifice and love so many worked so hard for, so their descendants could have better, freer lives. Sabotaging the well-being, growth and futures of the children around them just for their own ego issues, and breaking the hearts of anyone who cares about them just to get a fix of control and supremacy. The anger that boils inside of me because of all that I've witnessed, all that I've seen my own child go through, all that I've been through myself, and watching what other people go through in their personal lives and the larger community is palpable and burns inside.
It has to come out somehow, and I'm not going to turn into one of THEM and take it out on other people, so I write, and I write. The pen is mightier than the sword, it always has been and always will be. MUCH mightier. The hand holds one sword, but the mind holds countless words and ideas.
My friend Rick Winsor suggested that this stage in human "evolution" is a process that is leading to something much better. I like how I feel when I believe that, so thank you my friend.

Competition For Approval And Status

It's common for people within a group to compete for the approval and attention of the "Leader" in that group. The more dysfunction and less maturity is present throughout the group, the more they tend to compete for the Leader's approval and acceptance.

In groups where Leaders are Controllers and Narcissists, the competition can turn from immature to very damaging, and often tears the groups so deeply that the group may simply dissolve and fall apart, even become bitter "enemies".

Narcissists, whether they are members of a group or a leader of a group, often create factions and play favorites, casting shame and blame on certain members in the group and giving extra credit and resources to others. They may play each member differently in private than in public, and often keep "secret connections" and give "secret favors". They may imply negative things about other members, planting seeds of competition and fear of rejection and disapproval.

Members of the group start to play into these manipulative games instead of recognizing them and shutting them down, and go right along with the faction and clique creating. Soon more members of the group are competing to be seen and known as "important", "good", and "above reproach", in order to maintain their membership within the group and not get cast into the group that's labeled "rejected" or "unwanted". They will start throwing other members "under the bus" in order to make themselves appear to "better", and therefore "accepted". This of course leads to more and more competition, self-righteousness, and defensiveness, which leads to hostility, which leads straight to aggression, both offensive and defensive.

(Any human group, from small to country-sized: family, friends, business, organization, religious group, political party group, community, tribe, nation, etc.)



Both male and female humans, in general, are very prone to domination displays, faction-making, clique behavior and aggressive "warmongering",  in the absence of a large enough ratio of emotionally and mentally mature individuals. The "cure" is an infusion of mature, graceful, peaceful, and fair leadership, both in actual "Leadership" positions, AND throughout the rest of the group. A mature group is aware that ALL members are in "leadership" positions to other members, and all members treat one another with genuine respect and consideration. Immature behavior such as favoritism and unfair advantage and oppression against certain group members is not tolerated because it's simply not good for the group's health, nor for the health of all individuals in the group. (In other words, the school budget is the same for both girls and boys; cliques and factions are dispersed, not rewarded; coaches and instructors are actually adults and therefore don't use female labels as derogatory insults ("you throw like a girl" isn't in the vocabulary), racism and sexism are NOT taught, "gender roles" are not forced or shamed onto people, and "hostile environments" are not only not tolerated, they're not WANTED.

The majority of children who grow up in a healthy environment don't WANT to create hostile environments or exclusionary cliques; they want to follow and learn from their role models (which includes every person who's older than they are, but especially adults in "leadership" positions in their lives). Children become confused and anxious when they see adults disrespecting and belittling other adults, but they thrive when the adults around them are happily supportive and respectful toward one another. The adults around them GOT that way because of how THEY grew up, the way the adults were around them when they were children. It's cause and effect, and it's a well-known and very obvious and easy concept to understand.

Your Negativity Drags Me Down...

Narcissists presume themselves to be the ones who are innocent of any wrongdoing or lack, and identify themselves as the beleaguered, burdened ones who are having to deal with the negativity of others, being "dragged down" by the whining and self-pity of other people.
At no time do they consider that they have done anything, ever, to contribute to the plight, "attitude", or "negativity" of another person. It's always the other person's "fault".

The average narcissistic person is absorbed in protecting and shining their own image and ego, and protecting their status within the groups that they're a part of, or wish to be a part of. When another member of the group "falls down" for any reason, that person can STAY down as far as the narcissist is concerned, because that means that person is now lower in "status", which means the narcissist is automatically now higher than them. The fact that the hierarchy and status is real ONLY to those who buy into it does not cross their minds. 

So, when another member of the group "falls down" for any reason at all, *(including illness, injury, loss, tragedy, trauma from attack or abuse, and problems caused by attack, abuse, slander or sabotage), the narcissistic people in the group will not only deny that they had anything to do with it to protect their own skin, but they will also point the finger at the person who has fallen down (or was pushed), casting blame on them.

The blame casting is simply to CREATE an excuse for not helping the person BACK UP. Most of the narcissists in the group want the person to stay "down", they don't want them to recover and get back up, and again be a "competitor" for status and resources.

The narcissist lives inside of competition; they see everything a a competition, and they FEAR "losing". They tend to see everything as "win or lose", which is part of the "black and white" perception pattern. They do not comprehend "big picture" concepts because they can't SEE them.
"United we stand divided we fall" is confusing to them, because they don't understand why they would use their own resources, energy, or time to be supportive of someone else, unless supporting that person meant a "gain" for themselves.
"A rising tide lifts all ships" is a foreign concept.
"To give is to receive" is taken in a literal, material way; more like "if I give to someone, they should give something back to me."
They can't understand what "All for one and one for all" means, except if the "one" is themselves or a favored person.

Basically, the average narcissist's main focus is his or her own "status" in whatever group they are in, because it means more control, more power over others, more positive attention, more credit, and more access to resources. So anyone who does not buy into either their "high status", or the whole hierarchy illusion, is a threat, and anyone who they feel challenged by, intimidated by, or envious of in any way is a threat. So when another member of the group "falls down", ESPECIALLY if they were in any way a threat in the narcissists' mind, they will NOT help them, and they will probably contribute to keeping them down.

If they were among those who knocked them down in the first place, the odds are high that they will try hard to keep them down. 

~(Sociopaths may only care about their "status" because they ARE aware of the hierarchy illusion, and they know that maintaining an image of "high status" means they can make a lot more headway in any CON game they're playing. They will go along with, and even encourage, the shared fantasy. They can be very adept at knocking others down and keeping them down, because they know the game from an intellectual point of view; they're "playing" it. However, most average narcissists actually believe that the hierarchy is a real thing, and are actually trying to maintain or raise their "status" because they believe it's part of reality.) (Which accounts for much of their  behavior as they grow older, that another person would have matured out of.) 

Tough Guy, or Fitting In?

Acting like a "tough person",  or a "self-righteous person" is a behavior that human beings adapt when they're in an unsafe atmosphere, surrounded by hostile people.
Most other animals do the same thing; when they feel threatened, they puff up their bodies, stomp the ground, make noise, change colors, and excrete poison or venom; it's to frighten who or whatever is threatening to them, and appear dominant.

After enough time has passed, a person can internalize this behavior and convince themselves it's part of their real personality, as if that's how they were born. However countless studies and observations over many cultures show that human beings tend to adapt to their environment, whether it's GOOD for them or NOT.

The subconscious human mind takes on the general traits of the people around them in order to fit in, so they don't get "shunned" and have to survive on their own. The more hostile the environment, the more aggressive the person becomes in order to appear "tough enough", like the others. It's like everyone has to wear the same armor in order to fit in with their group; those who are wearing a different color, or no armor, get shunned.

"Acting tough" has nothing to do with the natural, organic environment one lives and works in; it's the human interaction that one has to deal with every day that influences a person to change themselves into "one of the tough people" or "one of the righteous people".

When we fit in, we don't get singled out.

Most people don't even know they're doing it, because it's a subconscious process. But the proof is in the pudding. It's the same process from which regional accents and dialects come from. People from the same region even "like" the same food and wear similar clothes. (We think we're being unique when we buy a different brand of blue jeans, or a different kind of flannel shirt, or slightly different boots.)

It's nothing to be ashamed of, but it can help a person have a better life if they become aware of it.

When We Leave: Loss Of Identity, Changes of Identity And Social Status

A seldom mentioned loss that one suffers from any kind of Narcissistic abuse can be hard for anyone to embrace or even admit, and that is the loss of the security of social status that relationships (including and especially family) bring. We are humans, and we do live in "society", whether we really believe and go along with the societal rituals and shows of "status" or not. Our identity, our feeling of who we are, takes a serious hit when we sever or lose a relationship.

When we sever a tie, we are suffering a loss, not only of the person, but of our feeling of identity that went with that relationship. We are not just "Me", but we are "John Anderson's daughter", or "Mary Johnson's brother", or "One of the Sanderson clan". We belong to a group, or a partnership, when we are in any kind of relationship. We are a member of that group.
Of course people who feel that they are "lone wolves" will dispute that all day long, but it won't change the fact that they are actually human beings who's identity IS connected to the people in their family and relationships.

Only severe Narcissists and other seriously mentally ill people don't connect their identity with their family, their relationships,  where they grew up, where they live, the people in their community, their school, and their workplace (even if it's crappy). It's part and parcel to our psyche, it's supposed to be like that, it's not being some kind of "sheep", and it's not the same as following the herd. Some people and things we identify ourselves deeply with, and some not as much, but it's a normal human process.

Narcissistic abuse causes this natural identity feeling to become jumbled, confused, and backward. We're supposed to feel proud and happy to identify as belonging to our group or partnership, but when we're abused or rejected, how does that work? It doesn't. But we still need and want our identity to stay intact, like any healthy normal human. So we may end up turning our relationship identity upside down and inside out, trying to hold on to it while defending ourselves from it at the same time. We now belong to, are a part of, a member of, an abusive "group" of humans (whether it's just one other person or several), and we see ourselves as being ONE OF THEM. So in order to heal, we need to heal that identity issue, which can be really confusing.

Along with that, we know instinctively that other people DO group other people together and identify them together. So if we talk about how our group is abusive, then the odds are high that we'll be lumped together with them. We also probably don't WANT others to see our entire group in a negative light, so then we have to figure out a way to talk about what we've been through and get support without turning a negative light on everyone.

Further, even if we really don't care about how people see them, we're still aware that people will see US in a different light, whether we tell them what happened or not. People tend to treat others with higher respect and acceptance when they're a member of a couple, a family, or another group. Everyone instinctively knows this, that's why clubs exist, everything from religious groups to gangs; if you're a "member" of something, people tend to treat you more like you're a "real" person. 

When we sever a romantic relationship or marriage, we are actually changing our "identity", not only to others, but to ourselves as well. And when our social identity changes, we feel different, and others tend to treat us differently. We're not "Kim and Steve" anymore, we're just "Kim". Or we're just "Steve".

Even when we let go of platonic friends, we're not part of the "pack" or "like sisters" or "like brothers" anymore, we're changing that part of ourselves and our lives.

When we are ostracized due to abuse from our families, or when we purposely cut cords, we are again changing our identity, and changing our social status.

When we leave our marriage and we have children, that might be one of the biggest blows of all to our identity, because we know it will change our children's identity as well. Even if we know we HAVE TO do it, it still can feel like a serious loss, and can be akin to the loss we feel due to the death of someone in our lives.

The mental somersaults we go through can be traumatizing all by themselves, and so we may try desperately to avoid dealing with this kind of loss, after all, we're probably already trying to deal with all the other things we've been through. However realizing this can speed up recovery and help us get over some obstacles and hurtles that we didn't know we were stuck on, or why.

How We See Others

We tend to see others how we see them, from our own imagination, not how they really are.

We tend to fixate on certain markers that are familiar to us from our own lives and past, and then create an image around the person based on those markers.

We tend to quite literally miss huge amounts of information about the real person, even if they are our own child, our own parent, our own family member, or our close friend.

For example, we may know a person who is actually a very orderly person and very much likes order, but when we met them, they were overwhelmed by something in their lives, and appeared "scattered". So we fixate on that "scattered" marker, and build an image of them around that. THEN, as time goes by, we don't see that they aren't really a "scattered" person, that we just LIKED that marker because it made us feel more organized in comparison, and maybe it seemed endearing. Or maybe we like feeling like we're better than someone else. Either way, we keep seeing them as a "scattered person", and therefore keep treating them as if that's what they are, like it's carved into their skull, because WE like it, not because it's who they are.

The more we treat them that way, the more likely they're going to get sick of the way we treat them and become distant and unavailable. If they're our child, partner, or other very close person, we can actually cause them emotional/mental pain and damage from treating them as if they're something they're not, which will impact the bigger picture of their life. 

We can also fixate on a marker that we see as very positive, and we often do. We build an image of that person around that positive marker, and then we don't see them for who or what they really are. The image we build becomes like a painted picture that lays over them like a blanket.

Nearly all human beings do this, especially before we are aware of the process. It's just the brain's way of making shortcuts and "easy buttons" for the things and people in our world. Becoming aware of this process means we can appreciate others for who they really are.

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, CPTSD

"...I think that the healing professions in general are remiss in not considering in every case that presents signs of depression, low self esteem and hopelessness that CPTSD should be considered not as a diagnosis, but as a path towards cure and away from the abuse. When the victim of CPTSD is counseled to seek a path of survivorship, like classic PTSD, the cure for the curable makes a lot more sense then trying to treat the little Hitler’s of the world..."

Amen, to that.
Excerpt from a reply-comment by Steve B., on an excellent (imo) post on Narcissistic Victim Syndrome by  Mary Jo Fay
(RN, MSN, a national speaker, author, columnist and survivor of several narcissistic relationships. Her new book, "When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong - Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life" is available at http://www.helpfromsurvivors.com) < I haven't read it yet, but I agree with much of her writing that I have read.

CPTSD is "Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

Like Playing Ball (With A Narcissist)

Being in a 'relationship' with a Narcissistic person is a lot like trying to play ball with one.

You throw the ball, they catch it, but they drop it on the ground instead of throwing it back to you.

You throw the ball, they catch it, but they throw it to someone else instead of throwing it back to you.

They encourage you to "go for it" and "be confident" in yourself, but when you do, they're attacking and criticizing you, saying you don't know what you're doing, and you don't "have the credentials".

They don't pay attention to your existence, or anything about you until they realize you've stopped throwing the ball, then they get mad at you.

You throw the ball... they catch it, and then criticize your throw, or give you "advice" that you didn't ask for.

You throw the ball, they catch it, and they WHIP IT at your head.

You throw the ball... they walk away and start talking to someone else.

They whip the ball at you, it gives you a concussion, and they accuse you of "making it all up to get attention".

You throw the ball, they make fun of the way you throw with their "buds"; they say they're "just joking".

You return the same favor and make fun of the way they throw with your "buds", and they have a tantrum and go home.

You throw the ball, they catch it, and then throw it as hard as they can over your head so you have to run after it.

You throw the ball... they catch it, and then throw it as hard as they can to get attention and applause from whoever is watching.

They ask you to play ball with them, and then accuse you of begging to play ball with them all the time.

They ask you to play ball with them, and then make fun or your race or your sex every time you throw or catch imperfectly, claiming that theirs is naturally superior.

They ask you to play ball with them, but when you get there, they're already playing with someone else... and they act like you invited yourself inappropriately, and aren't welcome.

They ask you to play ball, but they don't show up, and then don't answer their phone.

They throw the ball when you're not looking and then criticize you for being lazy or too slow.

They ask you to play ball, but when you show up, they change the plans, change the rules, and argue every thing you say or do.

They ask you to play ball, but every time you go to throw it, they walk over to you and "correct your stance".

They ask you to play ball, but they don't tell you that you'll have to provide all of the supplies, and you have to give them a ride to the field.

When you ask THEM to play ball, they say no. Or, they say "yes", but then say "no" at the last minute.

They slowly convince you over time that they're the only one who likes you enough to play ball with you, because you're such a loser, a crappy player, a spoil sport, or a whiner.

They tell you they can't play ball today because they have to do laundry or work, but when you go to the field, they're already there playing with someone else.

They ask you to throw the ball to them over and over so they can practice hitting and catching, but when it's your turn, they "have to go home" or they're "too tired". Next time, same thing. And so on.

They blame you for the ball getting dirt on it.


They throw your ball and glove away.

They steal your ball and glove.

They keep losing their own ball and glove, and DEMAND that you replace it.

They "punish" or retaliate against you whenever you have something else to do, even though you've played ball with them 15 days in a row.

They judge you, or get mad at you, if you don't have a ball or glove .

They BEG you to play ball again, but every time you agree, they do all the same things they did before.

Everything they do is about themselves.
They CAN'T just "play ball".
They can't just DO anything without making it about themselves, or getting some kind of fix of control or superiority where someone else gets treated with disrespect and ridiculous unfairness.

They have to somehow make it into a dramatic display that has nothing to do with actually playing ball. 

"Those who don't have any balls of their own need someone to throw them some." ~Anonymous

Attention and Praise Seeking Narcissism

For some Narcissists, their "supply" is just attention, perhaps praise, and possibly affection and comfort. They might actually be simply still trying to get acknowledgement from a parent who was cold or abusive to them. When that very basic, very important need was not fulfilled during childhood, either by the parent or by someone else, a person can become fixated on "filling the hole", and seek out people who might fill it.
They probably aren't paying attention or respect to their "supplier", because they don't see the other person really as a "peer", they're trying to just get them to give them the attention. That's all they really want, to RECEIVE attention, praise, and often affection.

FLAGS may include:
Making announcements about themselves, but not responding to things you say either in speech or in messages.

Fidgeting and apparently feeling uncomfortable when you're talking about yourself.

Looking around the room when you're talking instead of at you, walking away, doing other things,

Not acknowledging either that you spoke or messaged, or what you said, as if you didn't say anything at all.

Not remembering much if anything about you, or things you've said.

Not remembering your experience, skill, knowledge, capability.

Not seeming to remember what you do or have done for work, education, or interests (and they're supposed to be a close friend, partner, or close family member.)

Explaining things to YOU that you've explained to them, especially if it was more than once, and especially if it's directly related to your main focus of work, study, or interest. Or explaining rudimentary things about a field that they should be aware that you are well-versed or experienced in. (Like explaining how casts are made to an orthopedic doctor or student, explaining what acrylic paint is to an artist, or explaining why child advocacy is so important to a child advocate.)

Explaining things to you that you've said or done, because they heard someone else say them (someone "important"... i.e. male, famous, or in a position of authority), so now it's "true" or "real". Apparently when you said or did it, it wasn't important or real, because it was "just you" who said or did it.

Not making plans with you till the last minute.

Expecting you to make more of an effort than they do, overall.

Refusing to do activities with you that they didn't think of. Veiling it as "compromise", but it's really just refusal and control.

Not standing up for you when others disrespect you. Not wanting to 'hear it' when you're upset about being disrespected, or about anything else, really.
(They aren't actually IN the relationship with you, they just want attention FROM you, so they have no feeling of protection or loyalty toward you, or empathy.)

Seeking attention and praise from other supply people as well, and when they find another attractive source (whether it's a sexual attraction or not at all), they suddenly aren't around; they don't need your supply at the moment, they have another one. And they probably don't invite you, because again, you're not actually "IN" a relationship with them, you're a source. 

~

Like a child with a parent, it doesn't occur to them to reciprocate. Children don't return the same kind of care, praise, validation, and attention to their parents until they're much older. So while they're playing the part of the child seeking attention, recognition and praise, they're doing all kinds of things and making announcements about their lives, both good and negative, in order to RECEIVE reactions and attention. But they aren't making any effort to GIVE the same kind of attention, care, or effort TO the person they have cast in playing the parent role.

Occasionally it might occur to them to make a show of paying attention, giving credit, praise, or making an effort, but it's usually because they suddenly realized that the person in the parent role is slipping away, losing interest, getting fatigued by the one-way relationship.

This kind of Narcissism can be non-malignant; it can even be a relatively safe relationship in certain cases (their other behaviors would show whether it was dangerous). But it will never be a mutually beneficial relationship, a HEALTHY one. It can be absolutely exhausting, spiritually depleting, and mentally confusing. The only way it will change is if the person with the N. traits realizes what they're doing, and makes a concerted, long-term effort for recovery, which includes making serious effort, no matter how difficult it seems at first, to GIVE the attention, respect, and support that they're trying to GET. 

Some individuals simply don't have the capacity to see it, or to do this. If one is aware of the other person's N. traits, then one can make informed decisions and plans about how much time to spend with the person, and how to interact with them, without expectations of a genuine two-way connection. More like a caregiver/client relationship than what the relationship is 'supposed to be'. One's boundaries need to be healthy for this to work, otherwise it's easy to get caught up again, and forget the nature of the relationship.  
(Intimacy with such a person is probably not a good idea, for the sake of one's emotional health and quality of life.)

The person who is being cast in the "parent" role can become so depleted that they fall ill, and then may begin to break down, especially if they don't become aware of what's happening soon enough. Even without "abuse" going on, or intentional emotional assault.
(Actual abuse may or may not occur in such 'relationships'; if and when t does, it's often due to Narc. Injury when the "parent role" person either brings up the disparity, or stops giving in to the one-way-flow of attention and effort.)

Caregiver As IDENTITY: Caregiving, Leading, Codependency and Narcissism

When Codependency turns into Narcissistic control, it's often because the person has taken on the IDENTITY of "The Caregiver" and the "One Who Knows Best". It often occurs in those who were forced to take care of others when they were children themselves, and it also occurs often in those who were raised by a person with this issue; they learn to model the behavior because their role models do it, and no one teaches them otherwise. There is little or no awareness of the dignity and autonomy of others. There is little or no respect for another's right to choose for themselves, for the intelligence of others, or for the CAPABILITY of others. There is little or no respect for DIFFERENCES in others from one's self.
This becomes Narcissism because "Caregiving" is about ONE'S SELF, it is NOT about the person who is being "cared for" or "lead". Their well-being is not the real focus, it's the excuse for the behavior. The Controller wants to be SEEN and KNOWN AS "A Benevolent Caregiver", a "Wise Advisor", a "Benevolent Healer", or as a "Strong, Good Leader". That's what's important to them, so if and when someone either "fails" to recognize their "Leadership" or "Wisdom", or if and when someone refuses to follow them, they suffer Narcissistic Injury, and become infuriated.

From the Codependent Controller's Point Of View:

"Follow my advice, my guidance, and my planning, accept my 'constructive criticism' and my management over you, and further, make sure you show gratitude for all of it, OR ELSE!"
~Because, after all, it's all about how much I care about you...
---
"If you don't completely accept my management and "leadership" over you, if you resist or protest in the least, then I will be deeply offended, and feel rejected, and therefore will feel entitled to retaliate against you. I'll probably insult you immediately, try to humiliate you, and then accuse you of being stubborn, rebellious, lazy, or hostile. If you protest against that, I may fly into a rage, I may become ill, I may become extremely upset and lock myself in my room. I will probably threaten you with all manner of things, from punishments to assault to destroying your reputation, to abandonment, to discarding and ostracism. I might spread terrible rumors about you to anyone who will listen in order to gain sympathy from them, and turn them against you.
```
"If you ever try to do anything that seems like "initiative",  "leadership", or "autonomy", I will become annoyed or even angry, and will try to shut you down. I will either dismiss you and whatever you're doing, or I will criticize and counter you. I may sabotage you in various ways, or I might slander you to get others to help me work against you. 
~~~
"If you ever do something that would make people listen to you, recognize you, admire you, or like you, then they might not hold me in such high esteem anymore, or give me all of the positive attention and credit. So I will continuously work on convincing you that you are not capable or able to learn, or likeable.

"At the same time I will project an image to others that makes me look wonderful, responsible, and worthy, and makes you look lazy, unstable, self-centered, and a burden on me. But I will do it in a way that sounds like I CARE about you. That is essential to my identity as a "Caregiver" and a "Leader".
~
"The only person that might notice what's going on will be you, because I'll have everyone else smoked and mirrored. But I don't know any other way to get other people's approval and acceptance, and I need that desperately; without it I feel completely worthless and alone.
But I would never tell anyone that, because I'm afraid that it would make me look weak, and then I might get bullied.
(That's actually accurate, bullies attack "vulnerability"; the person probably learned that the hard way, but did not receive guidance in dealing with bullies in a way that's healthy for themselves.)
~
"The only way I will allow you to receive any help, assistance, or care from me, even if you're my child, even if you're my partner, even if you're my "friend", even if you are paying me, is if you allow me to have control over you, and allow me to be The One Who Leads And Advises. You must obey my every command and accept my every advisement, no matter how small or large. AND you must give me large amounts of credit and gratitude for everything I do 'for' you, regardless of whether you wanted it or not, requested it or not, and EVEN IF it was DETRIMENTAL to your life or health."
~
"Never, EVER, resist me, protest against me, question me, doubt me, argue with me, or refuse to accept my advice, criticism, management, or control. Or there WILL BE consequences."
~
~
This Codependency Narcissism behavior is COMMON in dysfunctional societies where adults refuse to COOPERATE and assist respectfully with other adults in raising children; and especially where children are forced to care for other children or for the adults in the household. And also when children were raised by parents who had been forced to be a caregiver to others when they were children.

"Caregiver" as IDENTITY instead of as an action. They're not "giving care", they're BEING "A Caregiver" or "THE Caregiver". Or BEING "The Leader", not actually doing the act of "leading".
Both leading and caregiving absolutely require humility, and respect for those who are being "cared for" or "lead".










M. Black 2013

Charging A Price For Human Connection: Narcissistic Abuse

We humans need connection with other people, it's really how we're made. That's what we are getting and seeking from relationships with those who are abusive toward us. Plants need sunlight (so do we), and social animals, which we are, need connection with their kind. In a real way, not a theoretical way. It's been proven in many studies over many years that we actually DO need it, we aren't just being "dependent" or "babyish", it's a "natural thing".

What happens with abusers, basically, is that they con a person into trusting them to connect with them. Then, when we make the connection and solidify it, when we believe and feel the connection, the Narcissist starts exacting a "price" for this connection.

As time goes by, while the connection grows more and more solid, like it would in a normal human connection, the "price" slowly grows steeper.

When the abuser feels confident that we are firmly connected to them, that we feel like they're plugged in together with us, they stop being cautious and become more and more demanding of their "price". The more they take, the less we have to give, and the less we have for ourselves. They tap into a target's energy and draw it out as if through a straw.

Abusers don't know how to have real connections that produce energy and growth. So they try to just TAKE what they want from a target. Some of them are fully aware of what they're doing, some aren't, so their reactions can vary widely when someone confronts them about it or tries to disconnect. Mostly they'll get upset and angry, even fly into a rage; sometimes they'll immediately just turn it around and accuse the target of being the one who was sucking their energy and resources dry, and act offended and "used and abused" to give themselves some kind of launch pad to run away (and feign innocence).

(If the target is a child, then conning is not necessary, they're a captive supply, and need the connection to survive so they'll gladly pay the price, they don't even know yet that it's not supposed to come with a price.)

Proving My ~~~ Hood

You really have to wonder about cultures that tell children they need to act a certain way and do certain things in order to BECOME the sex they already ARE.

What happens if they don't do those things, do their sex organs get sucked up into their bodies at the age of 21?

I don't thiiiink sooooo....

How about let's teach kids how to discern right from wrong, and treat others with civility and good will, regardless of their sex? Let's let them actually learn about what they're interested in, instead of dictating to them what they're ALLOWED to learn about and NOT ALLOWED to learn about, just because they were born male or female?

That would be too hard, wouldn't it...
we can only be happy if we have other people under our proverbial thumbs, huh?
So we can prove that we have thumbs?
Sorry, I forgot...

Political Correctness Sucks BECAUSE...

Political Correctness Sucks BECAUSE...

Because most people can't handle it.
Most people don't get it, they don't even know what it is, or why it got started in the first place.

And when I say "most people", I MEAN "most people", not just certain people.

It didn't start to become a weapon to use AGAINST people

It wasn't intended to become a shield for anyone with deviant or ridiculously immoral, abusive, or psychotic behavior.

It sure as shoe polish wasn't started as a POLITICAL TACTIC.

But since MOST PEOPLE have such a hard time NOT twisting everything to use for their own personal agenda, NOW "political correctness" has become ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Now, if John Johnson over there stands up for himself against an obviously, blatantly racist hiring practice in the public services where he lives, someone is going to accuse him of trying to be "Politically Correct", as if he's doing something whiny and underhanded.

It's TRULY INCREDIBLE how Control Freaks seem to completely lack LOGIC or SENSE.

Discrimination against a person means:
"WE DON'T LIKE YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR BODY OR YOUR BACKGROUND, AND WE ARE GOING TO MAKE IT VERY DIFFICULT OR IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO GET HIRED HERE, GET EDUCATED HERE, GET PROMOTED HERE, OR SIMPLY FEEL NORMAL HUMAN ACCEPTANCE LIKE WE GIVE EACH OTHER EVERY DAY."

Uhhh, standing up against THAT ridiculous clap trap that belongs locked behind the gates of a third grade playground would be called "A NORMAL RESPONSE", not "extreme leftist politics".

(Are you shitting me?)

Or wait a minute, I'm wrong? Well GOOD! Then when I become Mayor, you'll have no problem when I create a hostile environment for anyone who's not MY SEX, MY ANCESTRY (guess what, I'm Mohawk, Scottish, and Irish, so hope you're one of them...) and goes to MY CHURCH. Not just my religion, but my actual CHURCH.

People who are too tall, sorry, nope, your head might hit the door frame and you might get a concussion, and THEN where would we be? You're probably going to SUE! FORGET IT! I'm not taking the chance, that' would be STUPID!

If I don't feel completely and totally COMFORTABLE WITH YOU on a PERSONAL LEVEL, then YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WORK IN MY TOWN, and I'm just gonna tell you to QUIT WHINING every time you bring ANYTHING UP that you don't like. So you might as well move before the harassment starts.

Y'all are right, screw being fair and non-discriminatory! 
It's a heck of a lot more fun to just try to get more power for ME and my buds! And screw everyone else! 

MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED! 

Why Does It Bother You If You're Not A Bigot?

It's only bigots who hate it when people bring up prejudices like sexism and racism; I don't abuse animals, so it doesn't "get on my nerves" when people post about animal cruelty. It gets on my nerves when the Humane Society runs those very, very long commercials in the middle of the show I'm watching, but that's because they are trying to manipulate me into watching their very long commercial by running it in the middle of the show. It's not the CONTENT that bothers me, it's the fact that if I want to watch the show, I'm forced to deal with the long commercial.
When another human being brings up bigotry, and ESPECIALLY when they're talking about something that happened to them personally, what the hell reason would I have for trying to "shut them down", or argue with them? There's only one reason why I'd argue with a person who was upset about getting treated unfairly or with obvious bigotry, and that would be... that I feel defensive. Because I see myself in what they're upset about. I want it to be perfectly okay to treat a man like he's stupid just because he's a man, or a white person like they're arrogant just because they're white, or be dismissive toward Native Americans when they talk about what's happened to them. Maybe it makes me feel powerful, and like I fit in with everyone else who's habitually bigoted. Maybe I like it when I can get a laugh by making fun of women, or women who look a certain way, so I don't want it to change, so I want the upset person to shut up about it, even if they're one of my "friends" or family members.
I don't want it to change because I think it serves ME, I don't give a crap about how it affects anyone else, they're not as real as I am anyway. Right? Right. It's just the way things are... lol.

"What's she writing about now? Something else that I feel defensive about?!? How dare she post stuff that I don't like! Who does she think she is, a real person like me???! I shouldn't have to read things that make me uncomfortable!!!" lmbo.

Good Leadership

Being an arrogant leader is easy. Being a genuine leader is hard.
The first lives inside of ego, and the second inside humility.
The first always believes he or she is correct, righteous, and stronger than all others, simply blaming others for discomfort, for anything that doesn't "line up" correctly, or when there are complaints.
The second is aware that all humans are filled with flaws including themselves, and that he or she does not have all the answers, is not always the best or the brightest in the room, and has not always judged others or the situation correctly.
While the first rarely if ever feels compelled to self-reflect, make adjustments, seek counsel, or re-visit his or her judgments about others, the second knows that there is always reason to self-reflect and do all of these other things.
The first will find that it makes life easier to follow along with hierarchy and the egos of others. The second will find that his/ her humility, truth seeking, and solution seeking will challenge and insult the hierarchy and inflated egos of those around her/him.
Maintaining a sense of self-confidence is easy with arrogance as a companion. Maintaining it with humility as a companion is not so simple.
Being an arrogant leader is easy for the leader, but he or she does little good for those following. Being a good leader is hard, and takes a long time to learn, some say a lifetime.

Form Of Projection: Elaborate Denial Of Another's Trauma or Tragedy

"Projection" comes in different forms, and is done for different reasons by those with p.d.'s or mental illness.
It's most often, however, done in order to cast negativity onto another person in order to cast it off of one's self. Albeit in the realm of fantasy, still, it often works to quite an extent.

One such form of projection that is not spoken of very often is when an N. sufferer will talk about something terrible that happened to someone ELSE... how awful it is, how cruel, how traumatic, how serious, etc., the "projection" part is because the  thing that they're talking about is the very thing that they either DID THEMSELVES, or that they REFUSED to acknowledge or help with when it happened to a person in their family, friend, or work circle.
To add salt to the punch, they will especially do this WHILE TALKING TO the person who it was done TO, who it happened TO.
If the event was honestly unknown to the Narcissist, that would be a different story, however if the person is a family member or a "close friend", chances are the Narcissist is fully aware.

This is a different form of the kind of projection where the disordered person accuses a target of doing the things the N. actually did. (Cheating on a partner is a common one; the cheater will accuse their partner of cheating, but N's will accuse their partners, friends, or family members of pretty much anything they've done, said, or felt.)

So for example, the Narcissist will talk about how awful it was that someone on Television was attacked and raped, "and by someone they KNEW, no less, and how AWFUL it must have been, and can you even IMAGINE what that must have been like?!? The poor woman!"
But they will be saying all this TO THEIR FRIEND WHO IS TRYING TO RECOVER FROM PTSD FROM BEING ATTACKED AND RAPED.

This kind of projection may be one of this individual Narcissist's defense mechanisms, OR another way to hurt and dominate another, depending on the individual N.'s mental profile. (It's not necessarily one or the other, it really might be a defense mechanism, but the damage it can cause is real either way.)

It can be an attempt to DELETE INFORMATION.

It can be an attempt to EDIT REALITY, and re-write the story, making the N. into one of the people who are appalled, concerned, empathetic and caring, which makes them NOT one of the people who "don't care".

It's basically the same behavior N's display when they treat a person like a NOVICE, a BEGINNER, or CLUELESS, when they want to pretend that the person is NOT knowledgeable or skilled about something. (This can be seen quite often in Western culture fields of work and study.)

Again, for example, the Narcissist may have heard that a relative is emotionally/mentally abusive to their child. Amazingly, the Narcissist will convey the tragic news in detail, TO their own child that they treated in exactly the same way.

Now, if the person was NOT a Narcissist, and they actually just FORGOT about the other person's traumatic events due to perhaps stress, age, or just a memory lapse, then when the person said something like "Yes I'm all too familiar with that", the Non-Narcissist would almost certainly feel something like chagrin, embarrassment, guilt, and sympathy, and then make verbal apologies, and invite the person to talk about it.

When the person IS a Narcissist, if the other person said something like "Yes I'm all too familiar with that", then the N. would immediately become defensive, invalidate them, GO SILENT, go into a "mood" or a "rage", or accuse them of LYING, depending on the severity of the N's illness.

No Girls Allowed, No Boys Either

"I'm afraid to say that the tendency to bond with one's own sex to the exclusion of the other is a childhood stage. It includes seeing one sex as worthy, strong and capable, and the other as weak, overly emotional, and less capable. It tends to show itself in day-to-day behaviors, where one sex is ignored, criticized, and micro-managed, insulted, and "punished" with dismissiveness, slander, betrayal, and various kinds of sabotage. The other is held in high esteem, high sympathy, and given access to resources and to leadership positions.

This developmental stage can be seen working itself out in elementary school-age children, more or less depending on the surrounding culture:
Cultures with science, math, language, the arts, and social instruction (simultaneously) as main focus tend to be successful in guiding children to grow past this developmental stage, but cultures without focus and cultures that are fixated on material gain and warmongering actually discourage children from maturing past this stage, keeping them in an unhealthy suspended state of childhood that they carry into adulthood.
If an individual grows beyond this stage due to outside influences, or of their own volition, they are usually singled out and excluded.