Obsession With Dominance

Those who have dominance issues often target the same people, whether they're male or female.
Dominance issues and behaviors are very common in humans. They're used for social ranking, for control of situations and outcomes, and for control over other individuals.

If a person's displays of dominance are convincing enough, others around them will buy into it and give them higher social status, allowing them to be a "Leader", regardless of their actual experience, knowledge, or ability.
Having "dominance issues" is more like having a need to feel dominant, which translates to both a compulsion to be dominant over others (specific individuals or animals), and to avoid feeling submissive or subordinate, especially to those whom one seeks to feel dominant over.

Many humans, both male and female, for example, feel an entitlement of domination (control and superiority) toward any person smaller than they are, and also toward most (or all) females.
Even if they will willingly FOLLOW the lead of certain people, they feel entitled to automatically be the Leader toward other certain people, at all times, and regardless of the situation.

Entitlement to Dominance toward another person means entitlement to NEVER "have to" do anything that implies equal cooperation, respect, following, consideration, or assisting them without being 'in charge'.
Entitlement to Dominance over another person means they feel that they NEVER "have to" listen to them, cooperate with them, or do anything they say or ask, and that choosing to do that is going far out of their way, as if it's an imposition.
Also, that the other person is somehow innately bound to allow them to Lead, to be the Dominant one, and to always be seen as "right" in any situation, no matter what is happening.

If a person who feels entitled to Domination over another person is not being given full "cooperation" (subordination) by the other person, they will quite often experience rage. The actual situation, and "who's right" or "who's wrong" is almost always given as an excuse for the meltdown, but the real reason is simply that they felt CHALLENGED by an apparent "subordinate".

It occurs often that a person who has dominance issues does not display any signs of it with another person for a long time, often because the person has not actually done anything to "challenge" their "authority" (dominance). A meltdown can seem to occur out of the blue, but really, it just hadn't come up yet. There was nothing that felt like a challenge, nothing that felt like they were not being obeyed, or allowed to lead, or allowed to be "right".

It's common for those who have dominance issues to also stack others into hierarchy positions. So they will put one person "over" another person in this hierarchy; for example they may put their own father "over" their mother, or their mother "over" their spouse, or one friend "over" another friend, etc.  Whoever they "follow", they expect others to "follow" also, in a subordinate manner.

A flag for this is the level of anger or upset a person shows when they feel "challenged" in any way. Are they slightly disappointed or frustrated, or are they actually mad, angry, extremely upset, or in a rage? Do they reject or rage at some people who don't agree with them, or who don't allow them to always be the leader? Do they seem to hate those or wish harm on those who "challenge" them?
What is the level of their reaction to not being allowed to always lead, or to be right?
How do they react to someone else being a Leader, either in formal situations, or even in conversation ~ especially when the person is smaller, or is female, or is of a different ancestry, or is a romantic partner?

Those with Dominance entitlement or compulsion will have no problem trying to publicly humiliate, raging at, or rejecting a person who refuses to allow them to dominate them; even a person who simply seeks an equanimous relationship, regardless of what the relationship is. They don't want a cooperative, equal relationship, they want entitlement to dominance over the other person; they want the other person to be their subordinate.

Since it's an internal issue, not a consciously planned action, they will do it in a business setting as well as social situations, and in personal relationships.

Dominance issues can of course be worked on, but the person would have to actually want to do it. Most people who have them mistake it for confidence and leadership, so they think it's an asset. They may fear that without it, they'll lose their leadership abilities, which of course is not true, but they don't know that.
Many others believe that they deserve to feel that way (dominant) because they believe they're "right", or that they're actually superior.

The Nail That Sticks Up Gets Hammered With Status-Quo

The "Status Quo" of any culture is maintained by controllers, so those who don't fit in are targeted. This can be seen in most  human cultures, smaller communities, groups, and families.
It is Controllers who lead the "hammering down" of the "nail that sticks out", it's not something that "just happens".

First, children who are seen behaving outside of the very small window of compliance are usually targeted with facial expressions and intonations from adults around them. Approval and disapproval tones, expressions and words are used to teach and guide infants in a genuine way, about right and wrong, safe or unsafe, and polite or impolite. But the same tones, expressions, and words are used to "correct" and "guide" babies and young children to comply with stereotypes, and conditioned submission to social control signals. In other words, a little girl may be subtly admonished for trying to walk all the way across the room and grab a toy from the table, but a little boy may be smiled at and given obvious approval for the exact same action. A little boy who puts on a hat at the store may be subtly scolded or given disapproval expressions, but a little girl who does the same thing may be smiled at and encouraged.

Then, they are conditioned using control tactics such as taking toy trucks and tools away from little girls and giving them to little boys, trying to provoke little boys to behave in a more aggressive or hyper way, or making little girls wear certain clothing that's obviously uncomfortable or they don't like, that boys are not made to wear.

These early attempts at conditioning are not done across the board, not all parents do these things. So as children get older, those who were not conditioned in this way at home, OR if they were, it didn't "take", are then targeted by those in the larger group. They are often singled out with small acts of shaming, such as making fun of a little boy who plays with dolls, or who is good at creative expression.

Then they'll directly admonish a child for displaying feelings or motivations that don't align with the "culture", such as showing care and empathy for animals, or not acting mean or dominant toward smaller children, or children of the other sex or other races.

As children get older, the acts of bullying, shame, and rejection grow more and more severe toward those who don't "fit in" with stereotypes, and who don't comply with the local Controllers' illusions of social hierarchy. Those who stand up for others against bullying, unfairness, and injustice are always targeted, especially if they don't have a larger group backing them up. Those who do anything outside of their "gender role" box are usually targeted (girls who aren't afraid of snakes, boys who don't care about sports, for example).
~~~Those who DO NOT respond with SUBMISSIVE social signaling to those who seek dominance and control are almost always targeted. They don't have to "REBEL" to get targeted, they just have to NOT SEEM TO NOTICE that a Controller is apparently "Very important", "Large and In Charge".
(If a person is not recognizing a Controller's "authority", then the person is a threat, because they aren't intimidated.)

Children who don't comply with the Controllers in a group (both adult and child Controllers) will be treated with increasingly aggressive and manipulative forms of bullying and sabotage as they grow. The older and larger a child grows, the less empathy and sympathy from others is seen, which means the less protected from bullying and manipulation the child will be in the culture or group.

This occurs in every human culture, however the less generally mature a group is, the more it occurs, and with more severity. Hence cultures that are rife with barbaric practices surviving intact, generation after generation, with little or no change, and cultures who pretend to be "equal" but desperately avoid talking about the reality of their status quo and their real-life behaviors are quite the opposite of "equal". 

"The nail that sticks out is hammered down."
(Japanese proverb).
This "hammering" starts in a child's first year of life, it doesn't start in adolescence. It starts with light tapping, and grows more and more violent over time. 

The WINDOW of compliance to the "Status Quo" in a given human culture or sub-group is usually VERY SMALL, as can be seen by those who live outside of a culture or group; how they dress, talk, walk, carry themselves, the way they treat one another, and what they seem to believe. However, most who live INSIDE of a culture or group seem unaware of their own conformity to one another, or to their behavior toward others in the group.

When a person can't be made to comply with the cultural Status quo, with the standing 'hierarchy', and the behaviors and the stereotypes, they are typically REJECTED from the group. People will do all kinds of things to cut the person off from social groups, social interactions, social connections, and from business connections as well. Controllers LEAD this rejection behavior, and others follow along because they're more concerned about being accepted by the group than the rejected individual's well-being.

It's NOT about the person's real character, or their "right or wrong" actions. It's about the fact that they aren't complying with those in the group who want to be in charge of the group. Gender roles and racial stereotypes are all about keeping control over others, and rejecting people for non-compliance to these roles and stereotypes, regardless of their character as a human being and how they treat others, is PROOF of that.

The fact is, in most cultures, the adult that gets "hammered down" has probably been getting "hammered" since they were very young. Many don't realize what's going on, because Controllers consistently blame the person who doesn't fit in for the ill behavior of others toward them. Many buy into the bullying and shaming tactics, believing that they're just "too weird" or "too different" for others to like them, and end up suffering from lowered self-esteem, even depression.
Character is about behavior and integrity, how we treat others and how we conduct ourselves in regard to real values, not about conformity to stereotypes and roles, or complying with someone's desire for grandeur and control. Those who treat others poorly because they don't "fit in" and conform to a stereotype expectation, or because they don't go along with all of the opinions and preferences of the group, are displaying poor character, not high moral character.

Some Signs Of Emotional Illness

Some signs of emotional or mental illness in an adult, unspecified, mild to severe
(may include effects of trauma)
*** all emotional and mental illnesses are treatable and improvable, the brain has "neuroplasticity" :


"Numbness"; feeling unattached to one's emotions.


Having an apparent lack/absence of emotions.

Living through and inside of one's emotions, moods, and reactions.

Using substances frequently to try to stimulate or suppress emotions and moods.

Always being in some kind of intense "mood".
(Not simply appearing to be in a mood, but actually being IN one, regardless of the way others are treating them, and regardless of situations and events, current, past, and future.)

Unable to NAME one's own moods or emotions.

Always seem to be emotionally invested in who and what is "right", even if the topic is completely neutral (like which kind of nail would be best for a job, or what kind of spice to use for a recipe, or whether Pluto is a planet or not).
 
Feeling justified and entitled to control others.

Rarely or never in a neutral state of mind or emotion.
 
Having an emotionally charged opinion about literally everything and everyone, not just about topics they're passionate about or personally involved in.

All of their actions feel justified because that's "how they FELT at the time"; they behave according to their emotions and moods, not according to objective values, integrity, ethics, or principals.Incapable of objectivity; everything and every person is either "right" or "wrong", and either "good" or "bad".

"Taking sides" in any and every discussion, theory, plan, disagreement, or conflict, whether they're personally involved or not.

Creating "sides" and "factions" where none were present in any discussion or group that they're in, so they can be on the "good" or "right" side. 


Reacting with volatility to any person who doesn't align and agree with their opinions and emotions.

Reacting with hostility, even aggression, toward any person whom they envy or feel threatened by for any reason.

Always talking about how they deserve to be rewarded for how much work they do.

Frequently talking about how much they suffer from stress, but refusing to do anything constructive about it, change anything about themselves, or seek outside help to improve their own habits and thinking.

Frequently judging others negatively, seeking ways to put others down, trying to cast shame on others.

Trying to convince others to reject or turn against people in their own family, community, or associate groups with gossip, rumors, and implications.
(There are no real witnesses, documents, or other proof to accusations. There may be witnesses to emotional reactions such as crying or anger, but not to the actual events that are being spread around. Usually because they didn't happen; in fact, usually, gossip and rumors are attempts to deflect real things that the gossiper has done, especially if they know proof exists.)

Reacting with volatility and opposition to nearly any topic about human behavior or psychology, or trying to shut it down.

Feeling abandoned, neglected, and abused when someone else is busy doing anything, or paying attention to someone else.

Feeling justified and entitled to all behaviors, including retaliation and "vengeance", even for very trivial "slights" or "crimes", and even for NON EXISTENT ones (things that never happened, or were NOT "wrong").

Finding or MAKING UP excuses for retaliation because they get a charge, a "high" from it.

Frequently accusing others of being emotional and dramatic for any emotional expression, especially anger at them for something they did.

Often trying to provoke or control emotions, moods, and emotional reactions in others.

Feeling anger when another person seems to be unaffected by their provocation and control tactics.

Believing that all of one's opinions, perceptions, assumptions, judgments, and emotions are correct, and represent objective reality. Little to no self-doubt, speculation, or suspended belief.

Hate Women Hate Men

Do you hate women?   Do you hate men?     

Why?

Not the simple, easy, surface excuses, but what exactly was it that happened in your life, to you, personally, that led you to this intensely emotional reaction?

When we remove the factor of gender (and race) from people's behavior, it becomes clear that manipulation, immaturity, arrogance and abusiveness can be seen in both sexes and all races. We tend to try to group people by physical traits like ancestry, race, sex, and wealth when we feel anger or hatred, AND when we feel admiration and want someone to follow. But the FACT is that any way you group humans this way, you'll find both ends of the spectrum: incredible immaturity on one end, and beautiful wisdom on the other.

It's harder to see wisdom, because it's usually drowned out by the noise of the ignorant and pompous, even when it's trying to shout to be heard. The immature always try to out-shout and shut down those who care about others and about the world we live in.

So it may seem like a whole group of people is ignorant, manipulative, arrogant or mean, but that's because the noisy immature are always out in front, they're the ones who are seen and heard the most because they're always trying to dominate others.

Stop grouping people by PHYSICAL traits, and start looking at their actual behaviors, regardless of their sex and race. And regardless if you like them already or not. There's need for self-protection in our world, but hate just makes us ignorant. 

Fantasy Land: Most Narcissists Can't SEE YOU

Remember, a person who has Narcissism can't actually SEE you. They see and hear a made-up version of you, like a cartoon or a doll, or maybe a comic book character.
That's why they don't give you feedback that matches what you're saying or doing; they are not actually living in the same "world" that you're living in. They're living in a world that they've created, and you are a character in that world.

Your character can't ever have the LEAD ROLE, because THEY have the Lead Role in all scenes, even the ones they're not IN.
Your character is based on their imagination and how they want your character to FIT INTO THEIR WORLD, not on anything real about YOU. 

They don't treat you like a real person because to a Narcissist, you're not. They are the one who "wrote" who and what you are! They don't need to FIND OUT anything about you...

They don't treat you with "respect" or CARE because you're not a "real person" (to them). More like a doll, like a GI JOE or a Barbie, or a TV character (pick a Brady Bunch character, or Little House on the Prairie...  Bonanza... CSI... ER... or maybe General Hospital), or a character stereotype they like to talk about with their BUDDIES... or maybe you can be a pet, like a goldfish or a hamster. Whatever or whoever you kind of look like, whatever they can MATCH your appearance to is apparently who and what you ARE, and they will treat you according the character they've made of you FOREVER.

This is a COGNITION PROBLEM.
Narcissists typically can't discern their imagination from reality.

(Except for sociopaths who can, but don't care.)

Ever notice how Narcissists don't seem to remember much detail about you?
They keep treating you like you DON'T KNOW certain things, DON'T UNDERSTAND certain things, CAN'T DO certain things, or AREN'T CAPABLE of certain things?
Or keep treating you like your feelings, experiences, motives, and behaviors are completely different from what they really are?
>>>Because they don't CARE ABOUT details or FACTS about you. Not real ones anyway. 

Simple Truth About Rejection By A Narcissist

Narcissists don't reject people because they actually did something wrong, like attack someone, slander someone, steal, lie, sabotage, endanger children, or be mean.

They reject people because the person didn't agree with them, comply with their demands, stroke their ego, let them be the superior one, give them what they want, or because they didn't fit in with their clique.

It's important to be aware of Narcissism because those who have it aren't trustworthy, and tend to manipulate and abuse. They are quick to envy and have a lack of empathy for others; they tend to lack a moral compass, and will hurt others to get what they want. They tend to sabotage others who they envy, they tend to use threats, to bully, gossip, lie, avoid responsibility, cheat, steal, con, and they tend to enjoy humiliating others and trying to destroy their reputations. Narcissists can't stand to help others, except in cases where they see a reward in it for themselves. They will do things that others would never think of doing in order to get something they want, to be in control of a situation, another person, or another person's possessions, and to maintain a certain image.

Envying Others For Their "Happy Lives"

Narcissists who are driven by envy (not all of them are, some are driven only by supply) will often target those who appear to them to have caring families and support from friends or community.

Since Narcissists don't care about actual reality, they will make sweeping assumptions regarding another person's support network based on very little superficial information.

For example, if they think a person is physically attractive, they'll often assume that everyone supports and favors the person.
If the person has some kind of academic or business success, they'll often assume likewise, that the person's achievements were only possible because of support or favoritism from others.
Displays of talent or skill also may incite them to envy for the same reasons; they assume that a musician who plays on stage is adored by everyone, or that an artist is treated like royalty, or that a scientist or high achieving student is given special privilege.

People who appear HAPPY, relaxed, confident, and optimistic are often assumed by enviers to have easy and privileged lives.

WEIRDLY, this can and often does happen WITHIN a small community, classroom, family, and even in the same household.

Envy is not just about the actual THING that an envier is focused on. It's also about what they think that thing IMPLIES (in their minds).


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Stereotyping And Misinterpreting Emotional Expressions

People who have injured or weakened identity issues, or who have been purposely taught stereotypes as if they're real, often DISMISS, misinterpret, and refuse to recognize certain emotions and expressions in others, due to the person's sex, coloring, size, or overall appearance.

For example, they will often misinterpret any non-joyous emotional expression coming from a MAN as "anger" or "rage".
A man could be crying, soaked in tears, quite obviously sad, hurt, or consumed by grief, and the person will interpret his demeanor, expression, and even tears as "RAGE" or "anger".
When men express FEAR, it's also often completely misinterpreted as "anger" or "rage".

~This can be difficult for a person who doesn't have this issue to understand, but it's real; it has to do with editing reality to make it fit inside of one's comfort and expectation zone.

Likewise, many will entirely refuse to acknowledge that a woman is expressing anger. THEY can't handle women being angry, so they just pretend that the woman's expression is something ELSE.
They'll often misinterpret a woman's or girl's anger as fear, sadness, anxiety, "instability", CHASTISEMENT, or aggression.

Fear is also often misinterpreted as anger, "grumpiness", or arrogance.

This can be incredibly frustrating when one is trying to express something. Being completely misinterpreted because of another person's stereotype issues means that communication with this person is not possible. They will simply misinterpret everything you say. They'll keep treating you according to their stereotype of what you look like to them, not what you're actually SAYING.

People with this issue will often misinterpret emotional expressions, or even straight speech, from those of a different race, ancestry, or even coloring, as well as sex and age.
They have a FIXED EXPECTATION in their head of what the other person is going to say, how they feel, what their motives are, and what they're going to mean when they speak.
They don't have the ability to objectively or accurately interpret the other person's expression or speech.

They will even REFUSE TO RECOGNIZE HUMOR coming from certain people who don't fit the stereotype in their head of "who is funny".

They will refuse to recognize or acknowledge all kinds of things about other people because something doesn't FIT the stereotype in their head of the way the person LOOKS: their sex, their age, their ancestry, their weight, their size, their facial features, etc.

(Pro comedians know all about it, so do advertising pros, and so do Politicians).

Pulling Rank: Narcissism, Or Human?

Humans tend to try to make others "smaller".
Narcissists do this to a severe degree.
Most people want most OTHER people to be either on the same "status level" as themselves, or "lower status" than themselves.

The exception to this is when they've declared an individual, in their minds, as "higher status".

Using school as a metaphor, everyone is either like another kid in a classroom, a fellow classmate with similar social rank,  OR they're elected to be higher status than the majority of the group like a "teacher", or a "coach", or a "principal".

(Humans in general do this, not all individual humans).

Some may remember that a lot of kids seemed extremely interested in the hierarchy of the faculty: who gets to tell who what to do,  who has to follow who's "orders", and who gets to "discipline" who.
They also seemed extremely interested in making sure that other classmates didn't GET or HAVE more of anything than they did: more stuff, nicer clothes, more privileges, more recognition for anything, or more credit for anything (even when they clearly deserved it).

One thing was for certain in most schools: if a fellow classmate got up in front of the class and started TEACHING the other kids in the absence of the Teacher, they would LAMBASTE that student.

It wouldn't matter if the kid was a bona fide EXPERT in the subject, and was trying to help the other kids with a subject they were struggling with and were about to take an exam on.
Those kids would rather FAIL THE EXAM then recognize their fellow classmate as some kind of "Teacher".

Now, many of those kids would have no problem CHEATING off of that kid's test, nor would they have a problem with that kid giving them a cheat sheet to use during the exam. They probably wouldn't even have a problem with that kid helping them study at home.

The reason they couldn't STAND for that kid to get up in front of the class and "teach" the subject is because they are in HIERARCHY, not in rational THOUGHT, or "consciousness". They will SACRIFICE the chance to learn the subject before they FAIL the test in order to keep that kid "in his place". Which is in their imaginations.

Now, if one of the kids who regularly acted like a thug-bully, OR was a school sports "star" got up and "taught" the class in the absence of the teacher, most of the kids would ALLOW IT, because they've already accepted/recognized this kid as some kind of "authority" among them.

The reason for this is the way the kid gets treated by ADULTS.
(That's why they don't just all get together and hold the bully kid down every time he/she starts treating someone like crap, the adults have given "signals" that this kid is ALLOWED to behave this way, and therefore has been given social ranking OVER the other kids.)

Hierarchy creation in humans usually obliterates rational thought, intelligent decision making, and genuine learning. And humans constantly try to create hierarchies.

There is a very big difference between positional hierarchy for decision making and action purposes, and SOCIAL hierarchy. BOTH are often found at the same time in business and government.
The first is real, and OBJECTIVE (ideally), and the second is made-up, and completely SUBJECTIVE.

A quick example: in a REAL hierarchy situation, a police officer is a civilian when she or he is at a family reunion; her/his relatives behave respectfully, to EVERYONE, and so does the officer.
~In a SOCIAL hierarchy, the police officer at the family reunion behaves like he/she is in charge of everyone, like he/she has innate authority over all the relatives, and many of the relatives ALLOW IT, even respond to it, treating him/her with favoritism and "extra respect".
HOWEVER, when the officer's cousin shows up who is TALLER, and ALSO a police officer, everyone defers to the taller cousin.
Now, both of the officers behave as if they have innate authority over their relatives, but the taller one gets to be the "LEADER".

Both Narcissists and non-narcissists will create and perpetuate Hierarchies, little ones and huge ones, but Narcissists REALLY do it.

Human beings tend to try to create "hierarchies" in whatever group they're in, small or large. Someone is going to get elected "leader", and others are going to try to be "assistants" to the "leader", then there's going to be the majority of people in the "middle", and then there's going to be people who others try to knock down to be "low man on the totem pole", everyone's footstool, sidekick, mascot, servant, waterboy, whipping boy, kid-sister or brother, etc. THEN, even lower than that (as decided by those who feel entitled to decide) will be those who are treated like "outcasts" from the group.

OUTCASTS are important to any group with a hierarchy, because there can't be an IN-CROWD unless there's an OUT-CROWD.
Outcasts are created in order to make the group seem REAL, and make the many insecure members of a group feel like they're really accepted.  

Narcissists EXPLOIT the tendency for humans to create and follow hierarchies.

Physical Aggression In Humans

Why do so many human beings in this day and age continue to use physical aggression toward others on a regular basis, for everything from making money to entertainment to "solving problems"?
Why is it still so common in our species even though it's 2014, and humans having relatively high intelligence?
They don't need to do it, so why still do it?

Because.



That's all.
There's no real reason, other than it seems to get people who do it what they want sometimes, in the short term.

But what about SELF DEFENSE...
There's not much of a choice about using physical aggression to defend one's self or others when being physically attacked by someone else, unless one has super powers like becoming invisible or disappearing, or running super-fast. Mind control would help, and flying... also maybe a super-shield made of energy, or a tractor beam to hold attackers in place.
Actually, that's why certain weapons were invented, for self-defense purposes. Especially against larger attackers, or multiple attackers, which used to be very common in most regions, and still are in many.

When being attacked physically, one tends to need to fight back.


But that's about DEFENSE.
What about the person who's ATTACKING?
Why are THEY doing that?

Because.

That's pretty much it.

There's a chemical rush that humans get from physical domination displays, and humans can become addicted to it pretty easily.


There are other physiological and psychological effects that can make a human feel like they have some kind of super-strength, that they're very large, like they're extra-powerful (more than they really are), and that they are very scary and intimidating to other humans (or animals).
Even a feeling of entitlement to being an authority figure is often part of these emotional effects that can come from behaving aggressively toward others.

. 
Defense and offense are two different things, but...

Those who seek the chemical high they get from aggression, but don't want to get BLAMED for being aggressive, or get a reputation of being a bully or thug, may do things to create situations where they need to defend themselves and others.

Remember "rumbles" in high school days, on the town line? Or between schools? That's what that was. There's no REASON for it, the "rivalry" was fiction, it was all exaggerated and made up.
Neighboring towns... in the same state... half of their parents were acquaintances or friends... most of them were raised with similar values, beliefs, religions... most of them would have played together a couple of years before... there was zero reality to the BIG RIVALRY.
In fact, when one looks at the situation through the eyes of science, one may notice that some of the adults in the community who have aggression-compulsions and addictions often encouraged these "rivalries", or facilitated them; allowed them to happen.
It was a bunch of kids who discovered that they could get HIGH from creating entirely baseless DRAMA and acting aggressively toward other kids.  Often, a couple of kids would instigate the whole thing, exaggerating drama massively, trying to rile up other kids so they'd follow along and participate.
Unfortunately and tragically, sometimes these "rivalries" would get carried away, and serious injuries and deaths have occurred many, many times, in many communities and many generations.

There are MANY kids who have no choice but to grow up in the midst of violence, but that's due to ONE THING: because many of the adults around them are always either acting aggressively, or having to defend themselves and their kids against other humans' aggression behaviors.
It's not strange at all for a child who grows up in an environment where adults are violent and hostile to develop defensive behaviors, to become normalized to aggression, or to find out that one can get a "rush" from aggressive behavior, since they'll probably end up having to defend themselves or someone else sooner or later. It's not strange, either, or RARE, for a child to MIMIC hostile and aggressive behavior of adults around them, and to MIMIC and internalize the adults "reasons" and rationale for their continuous, ever-present aggression.
~Children tend to mimic same-sex parents more because they're trying to build their own personal identities (I'm a girl so I guess I'm supposed to act like the older girls, Mom, Aunt Louise, and Ms. Johnson at school;    or I'm a boy so I guess I'm supposed to act like the older boys, Dad, Uncle Ray, and Mr. Brown at school ) ~ but they also mimic the opposite-sex parent, and they continue to mimic other adults around them as they grow older, both inside and outside the home. 

Kids who got addicted to the effects they feel in their bodies from aggression can often grow up and keep on doing it, finding groups and situations where they feel that they can justify their aggressive behavior.
If one wants to be in fights all the time, then it's easy to find groups filled with people who also have the same desire, because there's a lot of people who also want to fight all the time. If a person joins a group that's always being challenged or even persecuted by others, then not only will they get to fight, but they'll feel like they're on "defense" instead of "offense".

Humans do this with other individuals too, seeking men and women who have apparent hostility and dominance issues to hang out with or even date. 
MANY seek out potential "partners" or platonic "friends" who look like easy targets for dominance and aggression.
Sadly, many get their aggression high from being abusive to their own children, elderly or other relatives, and pets as well.

LOTS of people do it with sports, either participating or being a spectator. They can get their fix from any kind of sport that has rivalry and direct competition. It's definitely not just Hockey...
Baseball, for example, used to be a national pastime, a civilized, fun game for all to play. It's actually against the law to discriminate against female players in Youth leagues, has been for decades. But over years those with aggression addiction have added more and more DRAMA to Major League Baseball (yes, it's on purpose, it sells tickets and boosts ratings), more "macho" male bias (also for reasons of drama), and more dramatic aggression, hostility, and RIVALRY between not only teams, but also players, coaches, umpires, owners, and everyone else involved in the League.

Some people join Gangs so they can always be plugged in to opportunities for aggression.
Some people join Crime rings, organized or otherwise, so they can keep getting a fix.
~Some get JOBS that will ensure they keep getting the opportunity; some of those jobs might surprise many people (most of them require dress clothes or a uniform, and many require a college degree).
Some take up certain sports or hobbies, or become avid (a.k.a. rabid?) FANS.
Some hobby/interest groups admit that they're about aggression addiction, and participation is voluntary and adult only, but many try to pretend they're not; Some of those are very illegal, even downright disgusting, sick, and evil (like sex trafficking, dog fighting, "sport" animal or human hunting).
Some join religious or ANTI-religious groups.
Some join Political parties, groups, "causes" and factions in order to get their aggression-high-fix.
Some join groups that are supposedly about human rights or animal rights, but are really just opportunities to get a RUSH from acting aggressively and displaying dominance and hostility. 

Not everyone with an aggression-rush addiction is obvious about it, or pursues relationships or social groups/communities, or jobs, or "hobbies".
Many humans are instead glued to the News that constantly shows aggression and violence, on all levels: personal, local, national and global, and to TV Shows and films that are LOADED with aggression and violence.
There is also a HUGE amount of music of MANY genres that's blatantly serving, catering to, and exploiting aggression and dominance addicts.

IT'S EVERYWHERE BECAUSE SO MANY HUMANS ARE FULL BLOWN ADDICTS.

A predominant "Addict" behavior is DENIAL of one's addiction. Many addicts will become very defensive about their "drug of choice", and even about the existence of it.
(Marijuana users will often passionately defend pot as non-addictive, but so will painkiller users.)

There is very little on Earth that Humans CAN'T become addicted to: one of those things might be air, needing it to biologically survive doesn't count as an addiction. But then again, there are people who really, really seem to like bottled oxygen, even if they don't need to use it for health reasons.

The effects Humans get from aggression can be intense, and span many emotions and levels.
It can give a person a sense of "confidence" that they don't feel otherwise.
It OFTEN gives a person a skewed feeling of self-righteousness and strength.
It can give a person a feeling of LIBERATION, and that can become quite addictive; feeling liberated from oppressive circumstances or people feels fantastic.  Some become so addicted to feeling "liberated" that they may put themselves in situations and relationships that have a high potential for toxicity, and therefore they will need once again to "liberate" themselves from another oppressive situation, using aggression.

There are many reasons that humans become addicted to the physiological effects received from AGGRESSION, which INCLUDE the "high" they often get from other people's reactions to their aggression and dominance behaviors.
Many become SO addicted that they AVOID even easy civil resolution of conflicts, either in personal relationships, or with "rival" groups and businesses, or with governmental issues, and even create dramatic "reasons" for opportunities to practice hostility, aggression, or violence.

Your Loss Is Their Gain

All Narcissists seek to gain and keep LEVERAGE.
Not just in business, or actual competitions and contests, but in all things, all areas of life, personal or otherwise. 

Having leverage means one feels that they have an advantage over others, control over others, and a higher  vantage point.

When we get the feeling that someone who is supposed to be in our corner WANTS us to fail,
or LIKES IT when we run into trouble or hardship,
LIKES IT when it looks like we've been rejected by others, LIKES IT when someone else treats us poorly,
or LIKES IT when we're "caught" or even falsely accused of making a mistake, screwing up, or doing something wrong,
that feeling we have might be accurate.

If the person has Narcissism, then it's probably spot-on accurate, even if the person is a relative, partner, or "friend".

A target's difficulty, large or small, is a Narcissist's gain.

Psychotic Narcissism

When we get to the level of psychotic Narcissists, we see them justifying and rationalizing acts of conning, serious vandalism, destruction of both human and natural environments, oppression, physical violence, abuse, sabotage, extortion, kidnapping, organized crime, drug cartels, sex trafficking, weapons dealing, cult and gang creation, sexual abuse, torture, animal abuse, murder, and all of these things in the name of "government", "religion", "civic groups", "business", and even supposedly "freedom" (which translates to POWER for their OWN selves, group, and faction, not "freedom" for anyone else).

Those who are NOT NARCISSISTS who hold government office or who are civic or religious leaders do not try to make those who aren't in complete agreement with them look or sound like "bad people", and they certainly don't try to CONDEMN others or spread hatred, racism, sexism, anti-religious hatred, religious hatred, or violence.
NON-NARCISSISTS DO NOT JUSTIFY VIOLENCE OR ABUSE, either from themselves or from others.
Non-Narcissists seek many different points of view, and as much information as they can gather, in order to form neutral solutions and compromises that are in the best interest of the whole group, not just in the interest of certain people who agree with their own beliefs, opinions, and agendas.
(Making those who disagree with all of their agendas, opinions, and ideas into "bad people" is a very childish control and power tactic that apparently works on a lot of people.)

Addiction To Self-Righteousness

Self-righteousness. Most Narcissists not only live their lives through it, but are also addicted to it. They don't feel worthy unless they feel superior to someone else. In order to feel superior, they need to justify their actions and motivations, and condemn others.

A Narcissist will justify and elevate behaviors and actions for themselves, and condemn someone for doing or saying the exact same things.

They will also project their OWN negative behaviors and motivations onto others who DO NOT do those behaviors, or have those motivations. Projection is related to the addiction to self-righteousness.

So for example when a Narcissist spends $200.00 at a Salon, they NEEDED to that, it was important for their life. But when someone else spends money at a Salon, even a little, they're WASTING money and acting like a "diva". So... the same behavior is GOOD and NECESSARY for the Narcissist, even when it's exorbitant, but "BAD" when another person does it.

(When we speak of "Narcissism", we're talking about adults, not young people who have not had enough time or experience to learn and grow out of the usual human youthful immaturity and arrogance, learn to separate themselves from the influence of others, feel responsible and confident for themselves, learn more about adulthood and the effects of decisions, or figure out what they've been taught "wrong", what they've been taught "right", and what they've misinterpreted while growing up.)

People who have Narcissism can do this justification and self-righteousness with anything at all. They'll justify all of their OWN spending money, time, and attention on clothes, shoes, fine dining, work, vacations, jewelry, furniture, pets, relaxation, electronics, cars, toys, games, alcohol, even illegal drugs (depending on the individual's habits), and condemn others for any or all of the same exact behaviors and actions, projecting "bad" motives and intentions on the person, but putting all "good" motives and intentions on themselves.

They will justify any of their behaviors, actions, and speech in the same way. They might say that they "HAD TO" do whatever it was, that they "had no choice". Or that they were PUSHED to do or say whatever it was. Or that they COULDN'T HELP IT, or that whatever they did or said was NECESSARY.
However, when someone else does or says the exact same thing, they can quickly and easily condemn the person, apparently with no memory of JUSTIFYING it when THEY said or did it.

Infidelity is a very common behavior that Narcissists will JUSTIFY for themselves, but CONDEMN others for (because it's another "supply", like a drug). Narcissists will do this even when the other person is NOT guilty of it. (Projection).
They'll twist their own behavior into "innocent" ("I did not have sex with that woman!" ~ Bill Clinton) and make whatever they DID DO into being about what they DIDN'T DO... "Well, I look at porn every day, but I don't actually cheat with real people" ... or...
"Well, we did have an internet affair, but we never had sex in person"... or "We made out, but we didn't have intercourse"... or "So what if I do video sex chat, that's not in real life, so it's not cheating".

They'll JUSTIFY infidelity by blaming OTHER PEOPLE for it, either their own partner, or the person's partner whom they're cheating with. "My wife/girlfriend is cold and 'frigid', so I needed affection and comfort." OR "His wife/girlfriend is crazy, you can't blame him." OR "Her husband/boyfriend is a jerk, she needed comfort." But let their OWN partner cheat, (or NOT cheat, even just speak to someone of the opposite sex in a normal, friendly way, or maybe not even do THAT), and the Narcissist will CONDEMN THEM to HIGH HEAVEN, often SMEARING THEM to anyone and everyone. (A Narcissist can literally project an entire fictional scenario onto a person who is completely innocent of it. Sometimes these projected scenarios are from the Narcissist's own behavior, sometimes from the past, someone else the Narcissist knew, sometimes it's from a fictional STORY, not from real life, like a TV show or film, and sometimes it's ENTIRELY fictional, from their own imaginations.)

This is again about Self-righteousness and superiority, and also an addiction to projecting blame onto others for anything and everything.
A Narcissist will not say "I did that, I feel bad about it, I'm sorry for what I did, I wish I could change the decision I made, I wish I could go back and undo or re-do that." Because they CAN NOT ADMIT that they did ANYTHING WRONG.
Everything is always someone else's fault, including ALL of their own behaviors and actions, LITERALLY someone else's fault.
As in "She made me cheat on her." or "He made me punch him." or "She made me hit her" or "He made me get road rage" or "They made me steal that money." or "She made me talk to her/treat her that way."

They can not, can not, can not take real responsibility for their actions, behaviors, or words, or admit that something they said or are doing is wrong. Taking responsibility would mean admitting frailty, flaws, and just being a regular human, not some kind of Royal God or Goddess, or some kind of Saint, or some kind of Martyr, or Hero, or Guru, or SuperMan, Wonderwoman, Cowboy, Superstar, Savior, Supergenius, etc.

ANYTHING THEY DO and say that could be construed as bad, as a flaw, or even as a MISTAKE, was "FOR A SPECIFIC REASON", or is someone else's fault, or because they "had no choice".

Even further, they will PROJECT their OWN "perfectionism/blame avoidance" onto others, especially targets, and then CONDEMN THEM for it.

When we get to the level of psychotic Narcissists, we see them justifying and rationalizing acts of conning, serious vandalism, destruction of both human and natural environments, oppression, physical violence, abuse, sabotage, extortion, kidnapping, organized crime, drug cartels, sex trafficking, weapons dealing, cult and gang creation, sexual abuse, torture, animal abuse, murder, and all of these things in the name of "government", "religion", "civic groups", "business", and even supposedly "freedom" (which translates to POWER for their OWN selves, group, and faction, not "freedom" for anyone else).

Those who are NOT NARCISSISTS who hold government office or who are religious leaders do not try to make those who aren't in complete agreement with them look or sound like "bad people", and they certainly don't try to CONDEMN others, or spread hatred, racism, sexism, anti-religious hatred, religious hatred, or violence.
NON-NARCISSISTS DO NOT JUSTIFY VIOLENCE OR ABUSE, either from themselves or from others.
Non-Narcissists seek many different points of view, and as much information as they can gather, in order to form neutral solutions and compromises that are in the best interest of the whole group, not just in the interest of certain people who agree with their own beliefs, opinions, and agendas.
(That's a very childish control and power tactic that apparently works on a lot of people.)

Advice For Getting A Job From Asperger's Experts

The Simple 6 Step Blueprint To Getting A Great Job (Plus Little Known Tricks To Creating An Amazing Resume, Nailing The Interview And More)

By the Asperger's Experts!

Those who are in recovery from Trauma and abuse may find this very valuable as well.

CLICK HERE:      VIDEO 1  The Invisible System

                              VIDEO 2 The 6 Step Blueprint

Narcissists Resent Having To Give Or Help

Those with Narcissism typically resent any kind of apparently "obligatory" caregiving, or sharing with another of their time or resources, such as caring for or helping their kids, their partner, adult children, or other relatives or friends. They don't want to do anything that they're not going to get extra credit, praise, or reward for, or anything that they're not going to get immediate payback for.

A Narcissistic parent, for example, will often find it quite an arduous burden to change anything about their own routine or comfort in order to care for their own children or spouse. He or she will likely find it a huge burden to even "go out of their way" at all to make sure a child or spouse gets proper medical treatment for an illness or injury. Supporting a child or spouse in a real way toward their goals or even daily tasks can be very burdensome and even stressful for a Narcissist, because they see no direct reward for themselves in this "sacrifice".(Children of Narcissists who are not favored are often denied resources, denied emotional or other support, blamed and shamed for random things in the household, blamed and shamed for anything that happens to them, and are often rejected or kicked out of the family and home so they don't "cost" the parent any more resources, or be "in the way", or "burdensome" with their unrewarding, unexciting presence.) Narcissistic parents only "support" their kids or spouse if there's something in it for them, like image, reputation, recognition, and credit from others ("there's that Great Mom, Suzy...she's such a Great Mother... or "there's that Super Dad Glen... he's so wonderful...or "Hey there go the parents of that football player kid! or that Dancer kid! or the Class President!"), or if they see the child as a "mini me", so they're precariously living their own lives through the child. If the child's goals don't line up with their own goals for gain for themselves, they will not be supportive of that child, and may even reject, neglect, or abuse him or her.
In many cases, even a "favored/Golden Child" of a Narcissistic parent is neglected, or emotionally, verbally, or physically abused.

Narcissists ONLY do things in order to receive a reward, or only if they can't find a way out of a task or obligation, and they expect to always receive obvious rewards and positive feedback for any and everything they do that could be considered "positive", a "contribution", or for someone else. They often expect reward for NOT doing MEAN, inconsiderate, aggressive, or traitorous things as well, such as NOT cheating, NOT hitting, or NOT going out with their friends instead of coming home. ( "You should be grateful that I'm not one of those ..... who beats their spouse / gets wasted every night / beats their kids / takes their spouse's money / sleeps around... etc.")
They expect to get REWARDED for not behaving like a complete psycho, and they expect their kids, spouse, and others close to them to even put them on a pedestal for their refraining from horrible behaviors. And as if they would EVER do anything like that for their spouse or their kids.

They want all the rewards, understanding, sympathy, empathy, and praise they can get for the smallest things, but GIVING any of that, even for wonderful and great accomplishments or help from others is nearly impossible for them (unless they see a reward in it).

Taking accountability for their own behavior and actions, and especially taking responsibility for a mistake or for doing something wrong does not typically result in a tangible REWARD, so Narcissists tend to RAIL AGAINST doing these things. Anything that does not result in a positive reward is avoided and protested against, and anything that might bring some kind of "negative" result, no matter how trivial the consequence would be, is often RAILED and REBELLED AGAINST with PASSION by a Narcissist.


~~~ I was witness to a problem in a small parking lot where three cars were trying to leave, but they had accidentally blocked one another in. Someone needed to move in order to untie the little knot they had created. One person said to their companion, one of the drivers, "Back your car up, then they'll be able to get out." Not with an attitude or negative tone, it was just a neutrally-toned statement. Their friend, the driver, shot back with a blistering tone "I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT!"

Taking responsibility!
Doing something that needed to be done, just because it needed to be done, regardless of who's "FAULT" something was!
Something so trivial as backing one's car up so another could get out actually caused the person to become RESENTFUL, DEFENSIVE, and ANGRY.
Things that they DEMAND from others and EXPECT from others as a matter of course are all things that Narcissists often have a hard time doing at all, never mind doing them without reward. 

Narcissists may VOLUNTARILY GIVE others or a target a gift, or a favor, but only when THEY INITIATE IT, rarely when the target ASKS for it. Their form of "giving" allows them, in their minds, to remain in control, and still get the rewards of "giving", which includes a reputation of generosity.


Typically, they react to request from others according to WHO is asking, not according to their ability or capability to help, NOR according to the person's severity of need.
In other words, Narcissists would jump at the chance to "help out" a celebrity they liked, such as Brad Pitt, or Snoop Dog, or a "favorite" person they know even if the person was very wealthy, but would most likely RECOIL at fulfilling any request from someone who is NOT famous, wealthy, a local authority or hero figure, or favored by them, such as one of their non-favored children, their partner, or a friend or coworker whom they want to be superior to. Giving help, gifts, or favors to a celebrity, authority figure, or a favored person is an opportunity for the Narcissist to get a reward. Giving help to someone who's not famous, or who they have not put on a pedestal, means the only "reward" they might get is a thank you from this "non-important" person; no worldly recognition, no immediate gratification, no associated fame or notoriety, and no instant payback.

BESIDES, they typically don't like helping others whom they don't favor become LESS insecure, or feel MORE confident, safe, hopeful or successful, (unless the person's success is in their own interest).
That might help give the person more "power" and autonomy, and therefore be less anxious, less dependent, and less powerless.   

A Narcissist will expect praise and positive reward, for instance, for giving a person a compliment about their appearance, or for praising a person for an excellent performance, or for giving them a small gift. They'll expect this reward and credit even if it's one compliment or gift in the middle of a sea of insults and criticisms, as if rewards are supposed to be given out as PAYMENT IN KIND, directly for a specific action, like money for a specific service. 
"I complimented your hair, so you should pay me a reward, regardless of the way I've been treating you all day, all week."
They DO NOT connect their behavior to the overall "bigger picture", they tend to see each of their own actions as completely unrelated, separate incidents, irrelevant to one another.

Narcissists do NOT typically see their behavior as causing "problems" for other people. They tend to see others as causing ALL of their OWN problems, regardless of what they are, and regardless of external events (including their own actions).

In a severe case of Narcissism, for example, a Narcissist could puncture another person's tire with a knife and blame the person for "causing them to do it" by "making them mad".
Or they could KNOW that someone slashed a person's tire, and feel zero empathy, sympathy, or even a bit of pity for the person, blame the person for somehow "causing it" to happen, and then typically insult and criticize the person for "being unprepared" and "irresponsible" for not having a spare, or not being able to change their own tire.
(Because, after all, we all cause the behaviors of others... oh yes and everyone should expect their tires to get slashed on any given day, and be completely prepared for it...)

THEN, that same Narcissist could come back to that person a day or a week later, and act like nothing happened; treating the person like a "friend", and on top of that, fully expect to be REWARDED for treating the person like a "friend".
(As if normal, respectful, civil treatment is something that we all get reward and special recognition for.)

(In the case of a sociopathic Narcissist, however, they might be fully aware of the "bigger picture", of their own behavior, and the effects of their behavior. They may be doing it all on purpose. Not all Narcissistic people are sociopaths, not all abusive people are "Narcissists" or sociopaths, and not all sociopaths are "Narcissists". But sociopathic Narcissists can be quite dangerous.)

Message To Counselors, Social Workers, Lawyers, Teachers, Parents And Others

When a patient, client, child, friend, or other is showing signs of emotional distress, is your first reaction to assume that they have caused the majority of their own problems, or that they are in some way deficient, weak, or defective as a human being?

Counselors, doctors, legal professionals, teachers and instructors (especially health and legal workers) should EXPECT a person who is coming in to speak with them to be feeling some sort of elevated emotional state. To judge a person negatively for elevated emotions when they're in a health worker's office, or a legal worker's office, shows a serious lack of awareness.
Assuming that a client, patient, or student is representing the "way they always are" OUTSIDE of a health or legal office, or classroom, is again a serious misjudgment.
People are anxious (most normal people, anyway) who are speaking to a lawyer or legal worker, mental health worker, physician, or social worker. That's not some kind of display of ignorance or weakness, it's a display of NORMALCY.
Only sociopaths are always cool as a cucumber, and if you didn't know that, look it up, it's important.

Patients in a therapist's or doctor's office are OF COURSE going to display some kind of emotions, they think they can TRUST health professionals to be professional, and to remain objective and non-judgmental. People tend to believe that healthcare workers are ON THEIR SIDE, and are trying to help them find solutions, not JUDGE them like anyone "outside" would, so they tend to "bare their souls" because they think they CAN, and even that they're SUPPOSED TO. Healthcare workers who are judgmental and arrogant toward patients and clients who are trusting them with their exposed heart and soul are massively unethical and unprofessional.

Students, both children and young adults especially, tend to believe that Teachers and Instructors are ALSO "on their side", that they're going to be OBJECTIVE toward all students, alert, aware, and caring, like a mentor should be, especially a mentor of youths. Playing favorites, targeting kids who are "annoying", over-disciplining some kids and letting others get away with anything, gossiping about students, giving some extra help and care, and ignoring or picking on others, creating little Hierarchies in one's classroom or SCHOOL, gender and ancestry bias, allowing students to bully others; NONE of that should even be happening. And yet, all of it can be found in nearly any school in many Western cultures, and in other cultures as well. Teachers and instructors who participate in this will often claim a neutral position, or completely deny that it exists. But it's very, very easy to see, and pretty much impossible to hide. The "proof" is the behavior of the students in the school. Difficult homes or not. When the entire school or university faculty, administration, staff, and local governmental and community ties to the school are functioning in a healthy way, it's easy to tell which kids have terrible home lives, trauma issues, or disorders from the kids who don't; they stand out, and they are given as much extra help and care as possible.
But when it's not, it's nearly impossible to tell them apart, and few care to try.


Assumptions lay groundwork for more assumptions. When we make judgments about other people, including children, it's not reality based. It's coming from our own imagination.

When a person shows up at a therapist's or lawyer's office showing apparent signs of anxiety, depression, or signs of some or other emotional or mental illness, if we see that person as that disorder incarnate, we don't see them as a valid human being.
Then, we don't actually try to find out more information, or new information. We only accept and hear that which lines up with our mental PICTURE we have created about who and what the person is. 
And then we treat them accordingly.
Those who don't think they do this may be more susceptible than others to doing this, because they are in denial. Assumption and judgment about other people is a human brain function, everyone does it automatically. (Yes, yes, you know all this already...but knowing it and applying it to one's SELF are two different things.)  Our brains "size up" and summarize other people based on superficial information, so we can get through our OWN life and our day to day activities efficiently. Our brains want to determine QUICKLY who is a threat and who is not a threat. The problem lies in the errors of that process, especially when one's occupation is about directly dealing with other people.

The reason there are so many successful con-artists is because human beings tend to be very over-confident in their ability to judge other people. We often make errors in judgement, such as mistaking a kind, very intelligent person as "incompetent" or "weak", and an arrogant bully as "competent" and "knowledgeable".
Many people are more likely to trust a con-artist or a bully than a person who is actually trustworthy or competent, because our judgment processing is really more for immediate danger rather than judging a person's entire character.

In other words, if we don't find a person intimidating, we tend to START ADDING our own made-up negative judgments about their "weakness of character".
When we add these negative judgments, it's about ourselves, not the other person. We're basically trying to find ways to feel like the person is inferior to us, so we can feel justified in feeling dominant and superior over them.
When we do feel intimidated by another person, like they're some kind of authority figure or expert, we tend to START ADDING our own made-up POSITIVE judgments about the person's character.
After we've made these judgments about a person, we then only accept "information" about them into our brains that corroborates, lines up with, our judgments.

If we see or hear the person doing or saying something that doesn't line up with our judgment of them, we reject the information. If someone else says things about the person that don't line up, we'll probably reject the information. We only want to hear and see "bad stuff" about people who we've judged as bad or weak, and we only want to hear and see "good stuff" about people who we've judged as good or strong.

We tend to cast others in certain "light", and then filter everything they say and do, and everything about them through this light.

What we RARELY do is SUSPEND judgment and assumption about others. We usually judge and assess them upon meeting them, and believe ourselves, clueless about our own ignorance about them.
The more "expert" we perceive ourselves to be, the more we tend to believe our own assumptions, assessments, and judgments.

A signal for ourselves that we are judging a person negatively is when we find ourselves casting shame on them, especially when our occupation or position is in a legal, mentoring, or caretaker role. Shaming others or seeing others in a "shameful" light (people often shake their heads or smirk to express this) is extremely inappropriate in any caregiving, mentoring/teaching, or legal role. One's perception needs to be as objective as possible, and allowing JUDGMENT such as this destroys objectivity, and therefore severely compromises one's ability to perform their REAL job, or be a proper Parent. 

Further, many who have been abuse targets are "hyper-aware" of others judging them.
When a patient, client, (or child) picks up on someone's negative judgment toward them, they will immediately sense this and stop trusting (an accurate reaction). They have learned from experience that those who judge another in a negative light will not remain objective, or be seriously thinking or working in their best interest. 

True professionalism in any field requires objectivity. When a person's occupation deals directly with human beings, then objectivity, civility, respect, and a measure of empathy are required, as does good parenting.

A confusion of "respect" and "civility" with elitism and fear is actually common in this current cultural climate, unfortunately, and speaks to a serious cultural problem with ego-identity and boundary issues. Treating other people with respect and civility is not about the other person, it's about one's OWN values and integrity. Having a habit of assessing others to decide whether they "deserve" one's respect and courtesy is a symptom of boundary, self-acceptance, and identity issues.

Respect and civility have nothing to do with submission, nor do they indicate adulation of another person. Those with healthy boundaries and self-confidence keep their values and integrity intact no matter who they're speaking to or dealing with. They don't have a need to "assess" others as "inferior", for any reason, because they aren't compelled or have a desire to assess anyone as innately SUPERIOR.

~Positions of authority are positions, not innate qualities of a human being.
Expertise is about something that is learned and practiced, it does not indicate anything about a person's character.
Academic degrees are accomplishments, but they are not an indication of superior intelligence in comparison to another who does not have the same degree, or equivalent education.
Even having formal education in a certain subject does not mean that one is categorically and automatically more knowledgeable than a person who did not complete a formal education in that subject.
A poor or working class background does not indicate anything at all about a person's intelligence, character, or ability.
A middle-class or wealthy background does not indicate anything at all about a person's intelligence, character, or ability.
A person's hair color, height, weight, ancestry, muscle tone, or facial features also do not indicate anything at all about their intelligence, character, or ability.

These are all assumptions and assessments that many humans project onto others.
Ironically, those who project negative judgments onto other people are usually highly offended when someone does the same thing to THEM. But without objectivity, one cannot see the hypocrisy or silliness.

Everyone wants to be seen in a POSITIVE LIGHT by others, and RESPECTED for all the positive things about their character, their intentions, their motivations, and their accomplishments, and they DO NOT want to be judged in a negative way.
And yet, many, many people do the opposite to OTHERS. 

Professionalism requires objectivity, and keeping one's mind on the job at hand, not on passing judgment on clients, patients, students, children and others.

Addendum:

When a client, patient, student, or child's parent is speculating about or analyzing his or her own situation, behavior, past, or health, or that of their child's, it's not something that they don't have a "right" to do, or are CLUELESS about just because they don't have the same academic background or position as you do. If that's what you think, then either someone told you wrong, or you are trapped in your own identity issues.
When they are trying to figure out the dynamics of a situation or an event, that's not the same thing as BLAMING OTHERS for their own mistakes and behaviors, or as avoiding blame and responsibility. They are PROBABLY EXPECTING YOU to HELP them analyze and figure out the details, because that's part of your JOB.
Your job is not to judge them and diminish them as human beings, making yourself feel like you're above them. Your job needs to be done WITHOUT inserting your own personal, emotional, and ego issues.

We all fall short of objectivity and professionalism from time to time in whatever our job is, but our human frailty is no excuse for not trying to reach this goal every day. 

One's motivations for choosing a career path show up in their job performance.
How a person treats the PEOPLE who they're working with and for shows what they're really about.

Targets Displaying Confidence Can Trigger Rage In A Controller

Controllers are often triggered to rage when a target shows signs of apparent autonomy or confidence, or even calmness, joy, or hope.
Feeling like they have control over a target is tantamount to their feelings of having control of their own life, so a target behaving as if they are not afraid of the controller, as if they see the controller as a peer instead of an authority, or as if they are not living their daily lives according to the controller's wishes, can cause the controller to panic. Standing up for one's self to their disrespect or unfair, unkind treatment will almost certainly trigger anger or panic-rage in a person with Control and domination issues. Especially if one is already seen by the Controller as a "target". Nevertheless, not standing up to them, or remaining within their reach of control, often causes serious depression and anxiety issues, and can lead to serious problems for the targeted person. Finding one or more genuine allies (who don't condescend, manipulate or bully) can help tremendously with the process of healing one's boundaries so one is more able to stand up effectively or leave the situation. (If the only genuine ally one can find is a paid therapist, or someone on a recovery forum, then so be it.)

Provoking, Invoking, and Poking Emotional Reactions In Others: Crazy Making

Those who have certain types of Control issues and Boundary problems may habitually try to provoke emotional responses in other people.
Trying to provoke emotions in others is a common sociopath behavior; of course it's also found in others who have maladaptive social behaviors as well.

Frequently provoking emotions/feelings in a target (such as fear, shame, guilt, self-doubt, worry, anger, sadness, loneliness, humiliation, hope, camaraderie, trust) allows the Controller to predict, manipulate and control the target's behaviors and actions. They'll often provoke one feeling in a target, and then switch to provoking an opposite feeling.

For example "Let's go to the movies and have a nice dinner out tonight!" can provoke hope, trust, camaraderie and joy. Then right before it's time to go, they might start an argument or suddenly have to leave, or they don't feel well so they don't want to or can't go. This takes AWAY the target's good feelings, and replaces them with uncomfortable feelings, such as disappointment, sadness, loneliness, or anger, betrayal and abandonment, especially if this kind of bait and switch happens frequently. So the Controller successfully provoked emotions and feelings in the target with both the suggestion of dinner and a movie, and with taking away dinner and a movie. If the target reacts at all, expressing any 'negative' emotion, the Controller will likely accuse them of being hostile, demanding, whiny, or crazy. Controllers SEEK emotional reactions in targets for various reasons, both for supply and for manipulation.

When a person is in defense mode, they are much more apt to be reactive instead of intentional and confident.

If you scare your cat, for instance, you know what he's going to do, pretty much. If he's relaxed and calm, he's confident and operating of his own volition, making decisions and purposeful actions autonomously. Getting HIS OWN goals and needs met. When he's frightened, he's doing one thing: reacting to his fear. His behavior is predictable, and once he's in fear mode, he's even easier to scare and manipulate further.
A Controller would call a cat that's reacting in fear "crazy" or "psycho".

(Actually you can witness this, literally, on episodes of the show My Cat From Hell, with Jackson Galaxy Saturdays at 8 p.m. on Animal Planet. Many cat owners who ask Jackson to "fix their cat" frequently blame their cat for "erratic" behavior, even when it's extremely obvious that the owners are causing it.)

Getting A "Fix" From Sexism

People who treat members of the opposite sex with disrespect are most likely doing the same thing to members of their own sex.

It may not look the same because they typically use different words, behaviors and methods.


They'll do it to people of other races as well, or the same race.


They'll often do it to anyone who they see as having differences from others, even if THEY HAVE the SAME "different" trait.

They do it to whomever they think they'll get away with doing it to.

It's not a "belief system", no matter what they say, no matter how they try to rationalize their behavior.

It's nothing more than a "fix" they're getting, same as any other drug fix, so they'll get it wherever they can.



There are many mammals who get a charge and a rush out of domination, but Humans are the only ones who make up elaborate excuses to rationalize and justify their behavior.

Humans are the only ones who try to get away with causing harm to others by creating stories and myths. 
but the only ones they're fooling are themselves (ourselves).



There is no other species who has authority or control over Humans.

The stories and excuses that have been spun to rationalize and justify our domination behavior toward one another are intended to fool none other than our own species.

Narcissism, Hierarchy, Scammers: Inability To Accept And Process Information

Not being able to take in, process, and remember new information that does not line up with what's already in their head is one of the cognitive issues that can be seen in humans in general, but is markedly apparent in certain disorders and illnesses, especially with Narcissism.

If their "story" has Stella cast in character as being a person who has little or no experience in something, then they will just keep "writing" her that way, no matter what they see or hear that indicates differently.

If they've cast Stella as (if they think of her as) physically weak and fragile, then when they SEE her landscaping her property, or building a porch onto her house, they CAN'T accept the new information and "rewrite" their character of Stella, because they can't handle the contradictory information.

They can't think "Oh, I was quite wrong in my assumptions about Stella, I should not have judged her like that, I was not right or correct." Because the REASON they thought of Stella as weak and fragile was about THEIR OWN identity and insecurity issues. It had nothing to do with Stella, or with reality.
Making Stella weak allowed them to feel STRONG in comparison to her: "I might not be the Hulk, or even the strongest person in my family, but there's a person that I'm stronger than."

Instead, they will try to delete the new information, or try to rationalize HOW "weak, fragile Stella" is able to do this "difficult" work. Their ensuing behaviors as a result of their attempts at deleting, denying, and rationalizing may include:

~ Avoid Stella, and avoid seeing her do these things
~ Treat Stella like she must be horribly exhausted and overtaxed, and "out of her depth"
~ Try to take over Stella's projects
~ Criticize and "critique" everything Stella is doing or has done
~ Keep trying to "advise" Stella, as if she knows much less about these things than they do
~ Talk about Stella behind her back, implying that she's grandiose or unstable (she's not following the "character" they wrote for her, so she must be crazy or bad)

Often they will find some "reason" that they don't LIKE HER anymore, so they'll have an excuse not to be around her very much. A person with Narcissism may have a tantrum and wildly reject Stella, creating a new story in their heads about Stella being a terrible person, so they can give themselves (and others) an excuse about tearing her down and rejecting her.

People with Narcissism issues feel emotional pain when someone in their cast of characters shows that they are not the person they were "written" as, because it's a blow to their already wounded and weakened ego identity (boundaries). A person who is "supposed to be" someone who is LESSER than the N. is supposed to ACT that way, or they're WRECKING the N's world, where the N. uses them to compare themselves to.

If they're not lesser, weaker, less capable, less intelligent, less "worthy" than the N., then they are ruining the N's SELF-IMAGE.

The average Narcissist's self-image, identity, and self-worth is based on how they COMPARE to OTHER PEOPLE.
Without other people to compare themselves to, they don't know who or what they ARE. They NEED others to be either someone who is greater than them so they can follow them, OR someone who is lesser than them so they can feel like they're MORE than that person. Narcissists DO NOT want these "characters" to change, because they are basing their identity and worth on who and what they are in comparison to others.

They NEED to have HEROES, "important people" with titles, power, and prestige to be in the world, so that they can keep their imagined "Hierarchy" alive. (Mostly people they don't know personally). They'll often refer to these "important people" as if they are above other human beings and therefore smarter, better,  more capable, more WORTHY, more everything, and especially "above" targets whom they're trying to diminish.

AND they NEED to have people in their lives whom they have cast as "inferiors" in whatever way they can come up with, because that's the only way they can feel like they have worth or value as a person.

It's all a construct of the imagination.

There are, however, sociopathic Narcissists who are quite aware that these "Hierarchies" that people create are not real, but they perpetuate them and encourage them purposely in order to USE them for manipulation purposes. A good example of that is the SCAMS on the internet, the "Catfish" who have been exposed on some talk shows, scamming people out of thousands of dollars. Also the SCAMS on Craigslist out of other countries, such as the fake ads for home rentals. These are sociopathic Narcissists using people's own beliefs in hierarchy to manipulate them. 
They're also common on dating sites, and on other social media.