DID
YOU KNOW that a lot of people who have racism and sexism issues, or
other bigotry or us vs. them issues such as "hating" anyone who doesn't
have the same beliefs or political views, are just trying to make
themselves appear TOUGH and "BAD-ASS"? When a person keeps trying to
display hostility, they are trying to show dominance. Chimpanzees do
this all the time but don't try to hide it. Humans do
it all the time and try to rationalize that they're doing something
else. It's exactly the same display, but humans have a couple more tools
such as language and machinery that makes loud noises or are big and
dangerous, and also of course sophisticated weapons. Chimps mostly use
vocalizations and their bodies, sometimes sticks or rocks.
Can You Hear Other People Speak?
In
order to hear what another is actually saying, one must stop talking.
But one must also stop assuming they already know what the other person
is saying before they actually hear it. They not only need to keep their
mouth shut when listening to another person, but they need to also shut
up their thoughts that are drowning the other person's words out.
If I think I know what you're going to say before you say it, or know what you're thinking because I think I "know you so well", then I'm making assumptions INSTEAD OF listening or hearing.
You might say "It's so beautiful today, I think I'm going to walk down to the lake. Do you want to come?"
What did I HEAR you say... if I admire you and want your attention, I might hear something more like "One of the things I like to do is take a walk by the lake on a beautiful day, it helps to center my thoughts and spirit, and helps me to stay as great and wonderful as I am. Usually I go alone, but I would like to invite you to accompany me on my lovely meditative journey."
OR, if I resent you or ENVY you, if I WANT to hear you in a negative "light", I might hear something like "I don't feel like doing any work, again, I'm trying to avoid doing work and avoid your requests for helping you do your work, you're such a hard worker and I'm a lazy spoiled brat... so I'm going to go down by the lake and play around instead of doing anything responsible... if you come with me then you can't blame me for not doing any work because you'll be with me. So.. wanna come?"
OR, if I'm looking down my nose at you, like I'm above you somehow, I might hear "I'm going down to the lake to do something shameful and bad, or something stupid or whacko, or something that will get me dirty and waste time, or that's dangerous, and probably hang out with a bunch of bad people. Wanna come?"
OR if I think you don't like ME, whether it's true or not, I might hear "I'm going down to the lake, and I'm only inviting you to be polite, I don't really want you to come, so stay here and leave me alone, you're not wanted."
OR if I think you're "cool" and "tough" and I want your attention and approval, I might hear "Hey I'm headed down to the lake to do ...(insert activity here, whatever is supposed to be "cool" to the listener... hunting.. going on a power boat... going sailboarding... looking for the opposite sex...doing drugs or drinking...going to the beach...etc.etc.)... YOU IN?"
All of these different version of what the other person ACTUALLY SAID were in the LISTENER'S MIND, it's not what came out of the SPEAKER'S MOUTH.
"It's so beautiful today, I think I'm going to walk down to the lake. Do you want to come?"
People do this all the time with other people. They don't LISTEN and HEAR what other people are ACTUALLY TRYING TO COMMUNICATE TO THEM, because they think they already KNOW what the person is thinking, feeling, planning, remembering, and saying, based on the picture they created in their heads of that person, usually fraught with biases, emotions, judgments, and false assumptions.
In order to hear others speak, we have to clear our mind clutter so we stop making assumptions and jumping to conclusions, and keep our mouths shut while they're talking. Then when they finish speaking, ask questions to understand more, instead of just inserting our own views, opinions, emotions, judgments, and advice.
If I think I know what you're going to say before you say it, or know what you're thinking because I think I "know you so well", then I'm making assumptions INSTEAD OF listening or hearing.
You might say "It's so beautiful today, I think I'm going to walk down to the lake. Do you want to come?"
What did I HEAR you say... if I admire you and want your attention, I might hear something more like "One of the things I like to do is take a walk by the lake on a beautiful day, it helps to center my thoughts and spirit, and helps me to stay as great and wonderful as I am. Usually I go alone, but I would like to invite you to accompany me on my lovely meditative journey."
OR, if I resent you or ENVY you, if I WANT to hear you in a negative "light", I might hear something like "I don't feel like doing any work, again, I'm trying to avoid doing work and avoid your requests for helping you do your work, you're such a hard worker and I'm a lazy spoiled brat... so I'm going to go down by the lake and play around instead of doing anything responsible... if you come with me then you can't blame me for not doing any work because you'll be with me. So.. wanna come?"
OR, if I'm looking down my nose at you, like I'm above you somehow, I might hear "I'm going down to the lake to do something shameful and bad, or something stupid or whacko, or something that will get me dirty and waste time, or that's dangerous, and probably hang out with a bunch of bad people. Wanna come?"
OR if I think you don't like ME, whether it's true or not, I might hear "I'm going down to the lake, and I'm only inviting you to be polite, I don't really want you to come, so stay here and leave me alone, you're not wanted."
OR if I think you're "cool" and "tough" and I want your attention and approval, I might hear "Hey I'm headed down to the lake to do ...(insert activity here, whatever is supposed to be "cool" to the listener... hunting.. going on a power boat... going sailboarding... looking for the opposite sex...doing drugs or drinking...going to the beach...etc.etc.)... YOU IN?"
All of these different version of what the other person ACTUALLY SAID were in the LISTENER'S MIND, it's not what came out of the SPEAKER'S MOUTH.
"It's so beautiful today, I think I'm going to walk down to the lake. Do you want to come?"
People do this all the time with other people. They don't LISTEN and HEAR what other people are ACTUALLY TRYING TO COMMUNICATE TO THEM, because they think they already KNOW what the person is thinking, feeling, planning, remembering, and saying, based on the picture they created in their heads of that person, usually fraught with biases, emotions, judgments, and false assumptions.
In order to hear others speak, we have to clear our mind clutter so we stop making assumptions and jumping to conclusions, and keep our mouths shut while they're talking. Then when they finish speaking, ask questions to understand more, instead of just inserting our own views, opinions, emotions, judgments, and advice.
Respecting Other's Points Of View
I
very much respect those who are outspoken about they're own point of
view, what they see, what they've witnessed, what they've experienced
and what they've learned. If it's completely different from my own POV
and experience, I enjoy hearing what they've seen that I have not, and
can learn from listening to them about things I can't know about from my
own experiences.
However if they don't respect me in the same way, that's another story.
I will still defend their right to speak and have their own point of view, and respect them as a living, breathing person, and care about their health, and well-being. But continuing to respect them as a thinking, responsible, clear-headed individual might be off the table; they're filtering everything through their ego and personal issues, and not their intellect.
However if they don't respect me in the same way, that's another story.
I will still defend their right to speak and have their own point of view, and respect them as a living, breathing person, and care about their health, and well-being. But continuing to respect them as a thinking, responsible, clear-headed individual might be off the table; they're filtering everything through their ego and personal issues, and not their intellect.
One's Reflection Is In A Mirror, Not A Magnifying Glass
The
mirror is where reflection takes place. One can't see themselves through
a magnifying glass, or a scope, that's pointed at others.
The EGO Can Hate, The Intellect Does Not
The EGO is capable of hate and side-taking, and gets a rush out of it.
The INTELLECT has no use for them.
Hate and self-righteousness block clear, rational thought, and are only good for creating an adrenaline rush that gives a human the illusion of power and superiority. (Good for hunting large prey that would kill you if you didn't have a weapon, good for defending against psycho human invaders.)
A person who hates, resents, and "takes sides" is using a different part of the brain than the parts needed for logical and critical thinking.
Hate and resentment also block out care for others, empathy, and self-respect.
The INTELLECT has no use for them.
Hate and self-righteousness block clear, rational thought, and are only good for creating an adrenaline rush that gives a human the illusion of power and superiority. (Good for hunting large prey that would kill you if you didn't have a weapon, good for defending against psycho human invaders.)
A person who hates, resents, and "takes sides" is using a different part of the brain than the parts needed for logical and critical thinking.
Hate and resentment also block out care for others, empathy, and self-respect.
Ego And Control
The ego is the number one important thing in a Controller or Narcissist's life.
This is clearly demonstrated in how they will often attack, despise, or shun one person for simply not recognizing their "power", "toughness", or self-claimed "authority", or for refusing to give them extra sympathy, extra leniency, or extra recognition (NOT equal with what they would GIVE to another, especially the person they expect it from, but MORE, EXTRA)-,
but they will often LOOK THE OTHER WAY when someone does something criminal, violent, or terrible, especially when it was done to someone else.
Controllers and Narcissists don't necessarily react negatively to others for terrible acts, even when those acts are done to those in their personal life, such as a family member, partner, friend, neighbor or coworker.
But they will often viciously "turn on" anyone who challenges or pricks their ego, either purposely or inadvertently, including those who are supposedly "close" to them, who they claim to "care about".
They WILL however often pour out recognition, sympathy and even help for people they DON'T KNOW, while ignoring, demeaning, and turning on those in their personal life, no matter what happens to them, and no matter what they do or accomplish.
It's all about protecting the ego, self-preservation, feeling in-control, feeling superior and dominant, and building and maintaining image.
This is clearly demonstrated in how they will often attack, despise, or shun one person for simply not recognizing their "power", "toughness", or self-claimed "authority", or for refusing to give them extra sympathy, extra leniency, or extra recognition (NOT equal with what they would GIVE to another, especially the person they expect it from, but MORE, EXTRA)-,
but they will often LOOK THE OTHER WAY when someone does something criminal, violent, or terrible, especially when it was done to someone else.
Controllers and Narcissists don't necessarily react negatively to others for terrible acts, even when those acts are done to those in their personal life, such as a family member, partner, friend, neighbor or coworker.
But they will often viciously "turn on" anyone who challenges or pricks their ego, either purposely or inadvertently, including those who are supposedly "close" to them, who they claim to "care about".
They WILL however often pour out recognition, sympathy and even help for people they DON'T KNOW, while ignoring, demeaning, and turning on those in their personal life, no matter what happens to them, and no matter what they do or accomplish.
It's all about protecting the ego, self-preservation, feeling in-control, feeling superior and dominant, and building and maintaining image.
One Day "Love", Next Day "Hate". One Day "Friend", Next Day "Enemy". One Day "Welcomed", Next Day "Shunned"
"Devaluing" is the act or perception of just what it sounds like, removing value from a person or object.
The person or object was considered valuable before, but now the person or object is considered by the viewer as having less value and worth.
The DEVALUED (targeted) person is typically rejected, discarded, "shunned", or attacked, and in some cases even attacked with the intention of destroying either their reputation, their life, relationships, career, family, home, finances, or their physical body.
(The diamond was considered priceless, but on closer inspection it was found to have less clarity and more flaws than previously thought, so it was devalued.)
verb (used without object), de·val·ued, de·val·u·ing. 3. to undergo devaluation: The currency has devalued at a rapid rate
Most times when one person DEVALUES another, it's not because the targeted person has done something terrible or heinous, such as stealing or physical attack, or even lying or betrayal.
It's more often than not that they've done something that anyone else would consider quite normal, every day human behavior such as wanting to have a conversation about something specific, or playing cards, telling jokes, dressing up, being polite to others, expressing one's point of view, fixing or building things, caring for plants, hiking, caring for animals, disagreeing in a conversation, going to school, etc ~~~ OR nothing at all,
~~~ OR some kind of trivial slight that others might have barely noticed (forgot to put the bike in the garage so it got rained on, forgot to return the borrowed drill, forgot to pay back a small borrowed amount of money, forgot to put the trash out
~~~ but most frequently, it was something that tweaked the EGO of the devaluer, such as standing up for one's self against manipulation, rudeness, unfairness, disrespect, or abusiveness, or standing up for someone else, or "catching" the devaluer doing something "wrong".
~Or, NOT giving the devaluer something they want, something they expect, something they demand, that's outside of the parameters of what one expects in a healthy relationship, such as extra recognition, extra privilege, extra leniency, extra 'understanding', extra control, extra resources, extra help, or extra praise above and beyond what someone is able, and above and beyond what the devaluer would ever do for the other person.
Sometimes a devaluer will target another person because they noticed some kind of physical "flaw", such as a missing tooth, or crooked or unbleached teeth, or a lazy eye, a receding hairline, a body that doesn't look like TV, movie, or magazine characters', grey hair, short or long hair, thinness, heaviness, shortness, tallness, darker or lighter skin, frizzy hair, etc. etc. ad infinitum. They may target another person for devaluation because of illness, injury, or disability, or because of their age.
Sometimes a devaluer will target a person's job, or lack of a job, or career goals, or where they live, or their car (or lack thereof).
Legitimate "devaluation" is done only to inanimate objects, for example a car loses its value over time except in cases of certain "classics", and most other objects lose their value with wear and age. For a gem to be devalued would mean that it was previously thought to have less flaws, or perhaps a certain history (such as being a part of a royal crown), but it was found out to be not so clear or well-cut, or to not have any kind of special story. Computers usually lose their value the minute they're taken out of the box. Gold's value is based on the "market value" per ounce, as is silver, and it can go up or down according to many variables, AND it's only valued that way because humans decided that it was valuable.
The popular act of placing monetary value on animals has been going on for a very long time, and is directly related to ownership over animals. That which is not owned does not have financial value. So animals are often "valued" by whatever it is the buyers and sellers want to use the animal for, and also how rare, unique, or hard to acquire the animal is, just like inanimate objects.
Since animals are living beings, the practice of owning animals tends to blur the line for many humans between owning objects and owning people, and therefore valuing or devaluing them.
~
One does not value or devalue something unless they see it as an object that can be acquired or owned, even if the perception is only subconscious. Therefore those who devalue other humans see them as something that can be acquired and owned; an object, a thing, not a "PERSON" that can not be measured in "value", but who is a living being like themselves, OUTSIDE of the definition of an ownable object that can be weighed and measured by another.
So when a person suddenly treats another person like they're NOT AS GOOD, UNWORTHY, NOT VALUABLE, NOT WORTHY OF THEM, they are most likely viewing the person more like an object and less like a person, a fellow human being.
They may SAY that they are not doing that, but the fact is that DEVALUATION directly implies that the object in question is an object, because an object can be owned and therefore assigned value, and then either kept or discarded; not a person, who cannot be owned (rightfully) and therefore cannot be valued or devalued.
(Only those with serious sociopathy (mental illness) conspire to buy or sell human beings, which is called "slavery". Of course many children grow up seeing this as part of their culture, so they may think it's normal when they grow up. However a self-aware human being would eventually be able to realize that the "slaves" around them are human people, just like themselves, and after this realization, they are making a conscious choice to participate or not).
~
Typical "devaluation", however, is done more within the parameters of social interaction and relationships, especially in Western cultures and other Free countries, although human trafficking does occur in those cultures to a disturbing degree, kept "under wraps".
~
Devaluing another human being whom one is in a personal relationship with, or whom one knows personally, is a symptom of some sort of mental illness or personality disorder. Not only because of the practice of viewing a human being as an object that can be "valued" or "devalued", but also because of the perception problem that goes with the act of devaluation: "Black and White Thinking".
The person is seeing people and the world in "black and white" terms, without the ability to deal with or comprehend anything in between. Something is either "Right" or "Wrong", or "Good" or "Bad", and so are PEOPLE in their minds.
~They are not able to deal with variables, changing circumstances, or human personalities, emotions, needs, or with interaction with others that does not go as they expect or want.
~They may not be able to deal with the fact that stereotypes are not real, and may actually see a person who doesn't fulfill the stereotype that they LOOK LIKE as being "wrong" or "bad" (like a male hairdresser, kindergarten teacher, nurse, or botanist, or a female engineer, carpenter, politician, or boxer).
~They may not understand that there is more information that they don't know about, and they may not be able to fathom that they might not comprehend what they see or hear.
They don't understand VARIABLES, OR the fact that OTHER people besides themselves have real lives, real emotions like them, real life experiences including traumas, real needs like they do, deserve the same respect and UNDERSTANDING as they do or anyone else does as a human being, and are just as important as they are, or as anyone else. (What kind of illness or disorder they may have would need to be determined via an extensive evaluation; it could be a serious condition requiring lifetime treatment, or it could be an effect of something else less permanent and more prone to healing such as trauma or developmental delay.)
They tend to want people to be either ONE THING or THE OTHER: that is,
"Perfect" or "Defective",
"Righteous" or "Unclean",
"All Knowing Experts" or "Completely Clueless",
"Important" or "Insignificant",
"Right" or "Wrong",
"Genius" or "Stupid/Ignorant",
"Worldly-Street Wise" or "Sheltered/Ignorant",
"Clever" or "Slow"
"Superior" or "Inferior"
"Beautiful" or "Unattractive"
"Strong" or "Weak".
"Completely Sane" or "Unstable/Crazy"
"Enlightened" or "Utterly 'asleep'"
"Good" or "Bad"
"Morally Good" or "A Bad Person"
"Fully Aware" or "Completely Unaware"
"Positive" or "Negative"
"A Happy Person" or "A Whiny Person"
They also tend to categorize themselves in the POSITIVE category, in other words they would always be one of the "Enlightened" people but not one of the "Asleep" people, or one of the "Righteous" people but not one of the "Unclean" people.
(The only time they would switch from being the "best" to the "worst" is when they think it will make them look cool, or get them out of some kind of blame.)
Those who devalue others will treat a person one day as if they are for all the world a good friend, or their great love, or a respected coworker or boss, or a beloved family member, or a client or patient whom they care about and respect, or as if they care for, like, and admire them.
Then for some reason often completely unknown to the targeted person, or something they did see but could not have expected such a severe reaction having to do with the devaluers inner world; emotional issues, past, or ego. Or in the case of a person with Narcissism for example, he or she may simply "discard" a person because they don't find them "useful" anymore, in the way one would throw away a jar of jelly when there is no jelly left.
Those who devalue others see the world in "black and white", so the people they interact with are either useful or not useful; "good" or "bad"; "great" or "inferior", "winners" or "losers", etc. When they are valuing a person as useful, good, great, or a winner, they tend to treat them with some measure of respect or even care; when they have any ill feelings toward the person, or just a lack of interest or admiration, they devalue the person, so the "good person" becomes a "bad person" overnight in their mind.
Many have also learned to USE this behavior as a way to control and manipulate others, because of the way people tend to REACT to being devalued and discarded. Most people become confused, hurt, upset, and suffer feelings of loss, grief, and abandonment when abruptly turned on in such a cold or vicious way. Since it's almost always about nothing terrible that the target has done, and in fact it's more often the case that the target was standing up for themselves, this sends the message to the target that it's not SAFE to STAND UP FOR ONE'S SELF, or to even BE one's self, because it will result in being rejected, attacked, and abandoned.
Those who use discarding and rejecting are often seeking a feeling similar to "self-righteousness", where one feels that they are morally above and superior to the targeted person. They are looking for a feeling of vanquishment, vindication, and triumph, which also gives a feeling of being above reproach and above blame. The targeted person PAYS THE PRICE for the person's ardent desire to feel these specific feelings, in order to make themselves feel good, or worthy, or powerful.
This desire can and often does become a compulsion, where a person regularly seeks to devalue and trash or reject others in order to get this "fix" of feeling superior. They may even seek connections and situations with others for this purpose.
It's not at all the same thing as distancing one's self from an abuser or manipulator, and in fact it's usually the other way around: those who devalue others are much more likely to be abusive and manipulative, and targets of abuse and manipulation are much more likely to be targets of devaluation.
Most people generally fall into one of two categories:
those who DO devalue other people, and those who DO NOT devalue other people.
It's not really something that anyone might do if they're in a bad mood, although it's possible that a person can be "pushed" to do it after dealing with so much disrespect or abuse from others, but even then, they tend not to discard, reject, attack, slander, or shun the person, and see them or treat them as if they're "no good" or as "garbage".
Mostly, a person either DOES IT, or they DON'T.
Those who do it will do it easily, with very little provocation, or with no legitimate reason at all.
It's a matter of one's own larger Point Of View regarding the world, other people, and mostly themselves.
Either one respects life itself, which means they respect themselves and others as living, precious human beings, or they don't.
Those who place "object value" on themselves, as if they are an object that can be valued like gems or metals, (or race cars, or race horses, commodities, or draft animals), will place it on others.
The person or object was considered valuable before, but now the person or object is considered by the viewer as having less value and worth.
The DEVALUED (targeted) person is typically rejected, discarded, "shunned", or attacked, and in some cases even attacked with the intention of destroying either their reputation, their life, relationships, career, family, home, finances, or their physical body.
(The diamond was considered priceless, but on closer inspection it was found to have less clarity and more flaws than previously thought, so it was devalued.)
devaluing
de·val·ue
[dee-val-yoo]verb (used without object), de·val·ued, de·val·u·ing. 3. to undergo devaluation: The currency has devalued at a rapid rate
Most times when one person DEVALUES another, it's not because the targeted person has done something terrible or heinous, such as stealing or physical attack, or even lying or betrayal.
It's more often than not that they've done something that anyone else would consider quite normal, every day human behavior such as wanting to have a conversation about something specific, or playing cards, telling jokes, dressing up, being polite to others, expressing one's point of view, fixing or building things, caring for plants, hiking, caring for animals, disagreeing in a conversation, going to school, etc ~~~ OR nothing at all,
~~~ OR some kind of trivial slight that others might have barely noticed (forgot to put the bike in the garage so it got rained on, forgot to return the borrowed drill, forgot to pay back a small borrowed amount of money, forgot to put the trash out
~~~ but most frequently, it was something that tweaked the EGO of the devaluer, such as standing up for one's self against manipulation, rudeness, unfairness, disrespect, or abusiveness, or standing up for someone else, or "catching" the devaluer doing something "wrong".
~Or, NOT giving the devaluer something they want, something they expect, something they demand, that's outside of the parameters of what one expects in a healthy relationship, such as extra recognition, extra privilege, extra leniency, extra 'understanding', extra control, extra resources, extra help, or extra praise above and beyond what someone is able, and above and beyond what the devaluer would ever do for the other person.
Sometimes a devaluer will target another person because they noticed some kind of physical "flaw", such as a missing tooth, or crooked or unbleached teeth, or a lazy eye, a receding hairline, a body that doesn't look like TV, movie, or magazine characters', grey hair, short or long hair, thinness, heaviness, shortness, tallness, darker or lighter skin, frizzy hair, etc. etc. ad infinitum. They may target another person for devaluation because of illness, injury, or disability, or because of their age.
Sometimes a devaluer will target a person's job, or lack of a job, or career goals, or where they live, or their car (or lack thereof).
Legitimate "devaluation" is done only to inanimate objects, for example a car loses its value over time except in cases of certain "classics", and most other objects lose their value with wear and age. For a gem to be devalued would mean that it was previously thought to have less flaws, or perhaps a certain history (such as being a part of a royal crown), but it was found out to be not so clear or well-cut, or to not have any kind of special story. Computers usually lose their value the minute they're taken out of the box. Gold's value is based on the "market value" per ounce, as is silver, and it can go up or down according to many variables, AND it's only valued that way because humans decided that it was valuable.
The popular act of placing monetary value on animals has been going on for a very long time, and is directly related to ownership over animals. That which is not owned does not have financial value. So animals are often "valued" by whatever it is the buyers and sellers want to use the animal for, and also how rare, unique, or hard to acquire the animal is, just like inanimate objects.
Since animals are living beings, the practice of owning animals tends to blur the line for many humans between owning objects and owning people, and therefore valuing or devaluing them.
~
One does not value or devalue something unless they see it as an object that can be acquired or owned, even if the perception is only subconscious. Therefore those who devalue other humans see them as something that can be acquired and owned; an object, a thing, not a "PERSON" that can not be measured in "value", but who is a living being like themselves, OUTSIDE of the definition of an ownable object that can be weighed and measured by another.
So when a person suddenly treats another person like they're NOT AS GOOD, UNWORTHY, NOT VALUABLE, NOT WORTHY OF THEM, they are most likely viewing the person more like an object and less like a person, a fellow human being.
They may SAY that they are not doing that, but the fact is that DEVALUATION directly implies that the object in question is an object, because an object can be owned and therefore assigned value, and then either kept or discarded; not a person, who cannot be owned (rightfully) and therefore cannot be valued or devalued.
(Only those with serious sociopathy (mental illness) conspire to buy or sell human beings, which is called "slavery". Of course many children grow up seeing this as part of their culture, so they may think it's normal when they grow up. However a self-aware human being would eventually be able to realize that the "slaves" around them are human people, just like themselves, and after this realization, they are making a conscious choice to participate or not).
~
Typical "devaluation", however, is done more within the parameters of social interaction and relationships, especially in Western cultures and other Free countries, although human trafficking does occur in those cultures to a disturbing degree, kept "under wraps".
~
Devaluing another human being whom one is in a personal relationship with, or whom one knows personally, is a symptom of some sort of mental illness or personality disorder. Not only because of the practice of viewing a human being as an object that can be "valued" or "devalued", but also because of the perception problem that goes with the act of devaluation: "Black and White Thinking".
The person is seeing people and the world in "black and white" terms, without the ability to deal with or comprehend anything in between. Something is either "Right" or "Wrong", or "Good" or "Bad", and so are PEOPLE in their minds.
~They are not able to deal with variables, changing circumstances, or human personalities, emotions, needs, or with interaction with others that does not go as they expect or want.
~They may not be able to deal with the fact that stereotypes are not real, and may actually see a person who doesn't fulfill the stereotype that they LOOK LIKE as being "wrong" or "bad" (like a male hairdresser, kindergarten teacher, nurse, or botanist, or a female engineer, carpenter, politician, or boxer).
~They may not understand that there is more information that they don't know about, and they may not be able to fathom that they might not comprehend what they see or hear.
They don't understand VARIABLES, OR the fact that OTHER people besides themselves have real lives, real emotions like them, real life experiences including traumas, real needs like they do, deserve the same respect and UNDERSTANDING as they do or anyone else does as a human being, and are just as important as they are, or as anyone else. (What kind of illness or disorder they may have would need to be determined via an extensive evaluation; it could be a serious condition requiring lifetime treatment, or it could be an effect of something else less permanent and more prone to healing such as trauma or developmental delay.)
They tend to want people to be either ONE THING or THE OTHER: that is,
"Perfect" or "Defective",
"Righteous" or "Unclean",
"All Knowing Experts" or "Completely Clueless",
"Important" or "Insignificant",
"Right" or "Wrong",
"Genius" or "Stupid/Ignorant",
"Worldly-Street Wise" or "Sheltered/Ignorant",
"Clever" or "Slow"
"Superior" or "Inferior"
"Beautiful" or "Unattractive"
"Strong" or "Weak".
"Completely Sane" or "Unstable/Crazy"
"Enlightened" or "Utterly 'asleep'"
"Good" or "Bad"
"Morally Good" or "A Bad Person"
"Fully Aware" or "Completely Unaware"
"Positive" or "Negative"
"A Happy Person" or "A Whiny Person"
They also tend to categorize themselves in the POSITIVE category, in other words they would always be one of the "Enlightened" people but not one of the "Asleep" people, or one of the "Righteous" people but not one of the "Unclean" people.
(The only time they would switch from being the "best" to the "worst" is when they think it will make them look cool, or get them out of some kind of blame.)
Those who devalue others will treat a person one day as if they are for all the world a good friend, or their great love, or a respected coworker or boss, or a beloved family member, or a client or patient whom they care about and respect, or as if they care for, like, and admire them.
Then for some reason often completely unknown to the targeted person, or something they did see but could not have expected such a severe reaction having to do with the devaluers inner world; emotional issues, past, or ego. Or in the case of a person with Narcissism for example, he or she may simply "discard" a person because they don't find them "useful" anymore, in the way one would throw away a jar of jelly when there is no jelly left.
Those who devalue others see the world in "black and white", so the people they interact with are either useful or not useful; "good" or "bad"; "great" or "inferior", "winners" or "losers", etc. When they are valuing a person as useful, good, great, or a winner, they tend to treat them with some measure of respect or even care; when they have any ill feelings toward the person, or just a lack of interest or admiration, they devalue the person, so the "good person" becomes a "bad person" overnight in their mind.
Many have also learned to USE this behavior as a way to control and manipulate others, because of the way people tend to REACT to being devalued and discarded. Most people become confused, hurt, upset, and suffer feelings of loss, grief, and abandonment when abruptly turned on in such a cold or vicious way. Since it's almost always about nothing terrible that the target has done, and in fact it's more often the case that the target was standing up for themselves, this sends the message to the target that it's not SAFE to STAND UP FOR ONE'S SELF, or to even BE one's self, because it will result in being rejected, attacked, and abandoned.
Those who use discarding and rejecting are often seeking a feeling similar to "self-righteousness", where one feels that they are morally above and superior to the targeted person. They are looking for a feeling of vanquishment, vindication, and triumph, which also gives a feeling of being above reproach and above blame. The targeted person PAYS THE PRICE for the person's ardent desire to feel these specific feelings, in order to make themselves feel good, or worthy, or powerful.
This desire can and often does become a compulsion, where a person regularly seeks to devalue and trash or reject others in order to get this "fix" of feeling superior. They may even seek connections and situations with others for this purpose.
It's not at all the same thing as distancing one's self from an abuser or manipulator, and in fact it's usually the other way around: those who devalue others are much more likely to be abusive and manipulative, and targets of abuse and manipulation are much more likely to be targets of devaluation.
Most people generally fall into one of two categories:
those who DO devalue other people, and those who DO NOT devalue other people.
It's not really something that anyone might do if they're in a bad mood, although it's possible that a person can be "pushed" to do it after dealing with so much disrespect or abuse from others, but even then, they tend not to discard, reject, attack, slander, or shun the person, and see them or treat them as if they're "no good" or as "garbage".
Mostly, a person either DOES IT, or they DON'T.
Those who do it will do it easily, with very little provocation, or with no legitimate reason at all.
It's a matter of one's own larger Point Of View regarding the world, other people, and mostly themselves.
Either one respects life itself, which means they respect themselves and others as living, precious human beings, or they don't.
Those who place "object value" on themselves, as if they are an object that can be valued like gems or metals, (or race cars, or race horses, commodities, or draft animals), will place it on others.
Narcissist Business Tactic: Bullying
Businesses are out there to make money, and people hold jobs in order to make money. But some treat customers and clients with respect and integrity, and others don't. The difference between them can be striking. For instance if you need to call your internet provider company for
help, you might get one of these disrespectful folks on the other end of the line;
they might talk down to you, put you on hold forever, treat you with
disrespect, have no idea what they're talking about, refuse to ask
someone else what to do, give you wrong instructions, try to blame you
for equipment failure, etc., making your phone call stressful and
unproductive, and you might even give up and deal with having no internet for the rest of the day or week, or want to change companies.
But if someone else had answered your call, it would have been taken care of in a short amount of time, with little or no stress.
Typically, the quality of the service a customer receives will be severely affected by this difference. Individuals and businesses who treat customers and clients with respect and integrity usually do a much better job overall, giving the service or product that they advertise.
Those who do not respect customers are another story. Their main goals are not to provide service, care, or product to their best of their ability to others whom they think of as real people like themselves, but to get money however they can, as easily as they can, or to get or keep attention, recognition, and control.
Bully tactics are common with people whose only motive for doing business or working is getting money, because they want to do as little work as possible, and get the most gain for as little effort as possible.
They may feign courtesy, manners, or customer care to a client's face, but make fun of them behind their back, fake service, fake repairs, fake the job that they're being paid to do, or purposely do it "half-ass".
Their product or service might be completely made-up, but they haven't been caught yet, or there is no easy way to "catch" them because of the nature of the "service" or product, or the way it's marketed; for example services that are presented as "preventative" may be real, or may be utterly fake; one must use their own judgment.
They may habitually cover up their lack of knowledge and skill with double-talk or loud talking, or using words that make them sound knowledgeable. (I've known and worked with several in the building trades who have made it a habit of saying words, terms, tool names and brands, techniques, etc. in order to sound like they know how to USE or DO those things, but in reality have no idea; they are masters of avoidance and malarky.)
They may talk over and interrupt a customer or client who is trying to get more information, or clarify a bill or a contract.
They may flat out lie to a customer, taking the chance that the customer does not know any better, or did not keep records.
They may "cut corners" and try to get out of doing the whole job, or doing it properly.
They may charge much, much more than the product or service is worth, hoping the client won't know any different.
They may have one business just to cover up another business that's not legal, so they're not really interested or invested in the legal one, or their customers; they may be faking anything or everything in the legal one.
They may condescend to a customer or client, treating them like they're ignorant or stupid, which can work to send the message that they are an "authority", and that the customer is subordinate to them and should submit to their superior status. (And stop making requests or asking questions.)
People fall for this one all the time, especially with jobs and fields that the customer is not an expert in or has not worked in.
They may block a customer's questions or requests by ignoring them, referring them to someone else (who refers them to someone else), changing the subject, talking over them, putting them on hold, not returning calls, not answering calls, making themselves difficult to communicate with, making themselves unavailable.
They may try to make the relationship with a customer or client too personal, crossing appropriate boundaries, in order to use personal bully or coercion tactics on them:
Blaming;
shaming;
judging;
giving unsolicited advice;
condescending;
implying inferiority in the client, incompetence, mental instability, weakness, or self-centeredness;
manufacturing crises;
trying to provoke guilt or sympathy from the customer in order to get them to do things for them;
trying to create a too-personal or even romantic connection with a client;
asking the client very personal information that's not a "norm" in the local community culture;
triangulation (with others);
manipulation;
criticizing;
using language that's disrespectful or demeaning;
implying threats, usually in a masked way
implying threats or "dominance" in a passive-aggressive display (acting 'tough' or 'hostile', cursing, making noise on purpose, refusing to use manners or follow etiquette or rules, etc.)
(These behaviors can be seen in most relationships with a person who has Control issues or Narcissism.)
It's nearly impossible to avoid these types of folks, but one can simply raise their awareness about the fact that they do exist, and there are a lot of them in various fields, businesses, and job positions. Customers are paying for a product or service, and are real people who deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect, period.
Obviously an abusive customer who treats someone they've hired badly does not deserve to be catered to, allowed to walk all over other people just because they're paying them for something. But that's not what we're talking about here, we're talking about those who bully and disrespect clients and customers who behave with normal, decent civility.
But if someone else had answered your call, it would have been taken care of in a short amount of time, with little or no stress.
Typically, the quality of the service a customer receives will be severely affected by this difference. Individuals and businesses who treat customers and clients with respect and integrity usually do a much better job overall, giving the service or product that they advertise.
Those who do not respect customers are another story. Their main goals are not to provide service, care, or product to their best of their ability to others whom they think of as real people like themselves, but to get money however they can, as easily as they can, or to get or keep attention, recognition, and control.
Bully tactics are common with people whose only motive for doing business or working is getting money, because they want to do as little work as possible, and get the most gain for as little effort as possible.
They may feign courtesy, manners, or customer care to a client's face, but make fun of them behind their back, fake service, fake repairs, fake the job that they're being paid to do, or purposely do it "half-ass".
Their product or service might be completely made-up, but they haven't been caught yet, or there is no easy way to "catch" them because of the nature of the "service" or product, or the way it's marketed; for example services that are presented as "preventative" may be real, or may be utterly fake; one must use their own judgment.
They may habitually cover up their lack of knowledge and skill with double-talk or loud talking, or using words that make them sound knowledgeable. (I've known and worked with several in the building trades who have made it a habit of saying words, terms, tool names and brands, techniques, etc. in order to sound like they know how to USE or DO those things, but in reality have no idea; they are masters of avoidance and malarky.)
They may talk over and interrupt a customer or client who is trying to get more information, or clarify a bill or a contract.
They may flat out lie to a customer, taking the chance that the customer does not know any better, or did not keep records.
They may "cut corners" and try to get out of doing the whole job, or doing it properly.
They may charge much, much more than the product or service is worth, hoping the client won't know any different.
They may have one business just to cover up another business that's not legal, so they're not really interested or invested in the legal one, or their customers; they may be faking anything or everything in the legal one.
They may condescend to a customer or client, treating them like they're ignorant or stupid, which can work to send the message that they are an "authority", and that the customer is subordinate to them and should submit to their superior status. (And stop making requests or asking questions.)
People fall for this one all the time, especially with jobs and fields that the customer is not an expert in or has not worked in.
They may block a customer's questions or requests by ignoring them, referring them to someone else (who refers them to someone else), changing the subject, talking over them, putting them on hold, not returning calls, not answering calls, making themselves difficult to communicate with, making themselves unavailable.
They may try to make the relationship with a customer or client too personal, crossing appropriate boundaries, in order to use personal bully or coercion tactics on them:
Blaming;
shaming;
judging;
giving unsolicited advice;
condescending;
implying inferiority in the client, incompetence, mental instability, weakness, or self-centeredness;
manufacturing crises;
trying to provoke guilt or sympathy from the customer in order to get them to do things for them;
trying to create a too-personal or even romantic connection with a client;
asking the client very personal information that's not a "norm" in the local community culture;
triangulation (with others);
manipulation;
criticizing;
using language that's disrespectful or demeaning;
implying threats, usually in a masked way
implying threats or "dominance" in a passive-aggressive display (acting 'tough' or 'hostile', cursing, making noise on purpose, refusing to use manners or follow etiquette or rules, etc.)
(These behaviors can be seen in most relationships with a person who has Control issues or Narcissism.)
It's nearly impossible to avoid these types of folks, but one can simply raise their awareness about the fact that they do exist, and there are a lot of them in various fields, businesses, and job positions. Customers are paying for a product or service, and are real people who deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect, period.
Obviously an abusive customer who treats someone they've hired badly does not deserve to be catered to, allowed to walk all over other people just because they're paying them for something. But that's not what we're talking about here, we're talking about those who bully and disrespect clients and customers who behave with normal, decent civility.
Treating You Like You're Incompetent, Incapable, And Unimportant
Why would someone who cared about another person treat them poorly, like they're incapable, unintelligent, untalented, unimportant, or unable to learn something or accomplish something?
Simple answer: They wouldn't.
A person who cares about another person, whether they are the person's parent, spouse, fiance, sibling, friend, teacher, doctor, therapist, neighbor, coworker, or anyone else would NOT treat them with such disrespect, dishonor, and disdain.
If a person cares about another person, they treat that person with courtesy and respect. They would be supportive of them in their endeavors and goals, not dismissive or belittling.
Any ACTION that they would do toward or regarding the person would be positive, not negative.
Supportive- not oppressive.
Encouraging- not demeaning or invalidating.
Helpful- not sabotaging, ignoring, or blocking.
When a person is condescending, disdainful, manipulative, or unsupportive toward a person whom they claim to be a friend to, or care about, they are being dishonest.
Their actions show their true intentions and motives.
Why would a person claim to "care" if they really don't, if their real intention is to cause some sort of problems for the person?
Simply so they can get close enough to the person to be able to cause the problems, or to gain control over them, or to get something they want from them.
They also likely do not want their true motives to be exposed, so they keep saying they care about the person, convincing the person and everyone else around that they really DO, that they mean no harm, that they are a "good person", that they are there to support the person, and that they have no ill will or intent toward the person.
If everyone believes that they really do "care" about the person, then whatever they REALLY do is more likely to go unnoticed; people would not expect anything negative coming from them.
Simple answer: They wouldn't.
A person who cares about another person, whether they are the person's parent, spouse, fiance, sibling, friend, teacher, doctor, therapist, neighbor, coworker, or anyone else would NOT treat them with such disrespect, dishonor, and disdain.
If a person cares about another person, they treat that person with courtesy and respect. They would be supportive of them in their endeavors and goals, not dismissive or belittling.
Any ACTION that they would do toward or regarding the person would be positive, not negative.
Supportive- not oppressive.
Encouraging- not demeaning or invalidating.
Helpful- not sabotaging, ignoring, or blocking.
When a person is condescending, disdainful, manipulative, or unsupportive toward a person whom they claim to be a friend to, or care about, they are being dishonest.
Their actions show their true intentions and motives.
Why would a person claim to "care" if they really don't, if their real intention is to cause some sort of problems for the person?
Simply so they can get close enough to the person to be able to cause the problems, or to gain control over them, or to get something they want from them.
They also likely do not want their true motives to be exposed, so they keep saying they care about the person, convincing the person and everyone else around that they really DO, that they mean no harm, that they are a "good person", that they are there to support the person, and that they have no ill will or intent toward the person.
If everyone believes that they really do "care" about the person, then whatever they REALLY do is more likely to go unnoticed; people would not expect anything negative coming from them.
We Enlightened Wise Knowledgeable Ones
1 Corinthians 3:18
Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become "fools" so that you may become wise.
Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become "fools" so that you may become wise.
Is Their "Ex" The Narcissist, Or Are They?
One way to tell if a person might actually the Narcissist, or if they're telling the truth about being the "victim" of their past relationships with alleged abusers or crazies:
How are their exes doing (or ex-friends or family members)?
Do their exes seem like they're recovering from some kind of traumatic time in their life, or are they doing pretty well, even quite well?
How many of their exes are doing well, compared to how many are not, who appear to be having a hard time of it?
Narcissists use the resources of whoever they attach themselves to, or whoever they happen to be attached to because of family or work or community relationships.
They don't support another person who is in any kind of need (unless they're pretending to in order to gain their trust and get closer to them.)
They don't support the other person, even though the person is supportive toward them, so the other person often ends up becoming very depleted in most or all ways (emotionally, spiritually, financially, mentally, etc.)
They often destroy or take away the means of self-support a person had.
They also take away the person's support network if they can (friends and family), if the people around them are easily influenced. Many people are, and will turn on a person quite easily if they're led in that direction.
Because they are typically abusive in many ways, they often leave deep scars on a person who they were connected to in relationship, and the closer the relationship (the more the person trusted them), the deeper the impact.
So the target of a Narcissist often ends up in a much worse position than they were before the met them, and can end up with a lack of "friends" who were apparently superficial in the first place, or they would still be around, especially when the person went through such trauma.
Since Narcissists only take but don't give, they often end up in better positions, and often continue to gain and gain throughout their lives. They also tend to be good at cultivating and maintaining superficial "friendships" that don't require any genuine, real-life-mutual support like one would need to give in a healthy friendship, family or romantic relationship, so they often appear to be surrounded by good relationships.
How are their exes doing (or ex-friends or family members)?
Do their exes seem like they're recovering from some kind of traumatic time in their life, or are they doing pretty well, even quite well?
How many of their exes are doing well, compared to how many are not, who appear to be having a hard time of it?
Narcissists use the resources of whoever they attach themselves to, or whoever they happen to be attached to because of family or work or community relationships.
They don't support another person who is in any kind of need (unless they're pretending to in order to gain their trust and get closer to them.)
They don't support the other person, even though the person is supportive toward them, so the other person often ends up becoming very depleted in most or all ways (emotionally, spiritually, financially, mentally, etc.)
They often destroy or take away the means of self-support a person had.
They also take away the person's support network if they can (friends and family), if the people around them are easily influenced. Many people are, and will turn on a person quite easily if they're led in that direction.
Because they are typically abusive in many ways, they often leave deep scars on a person who they were connected to in relationship, and the closer the relationship (the more the person trusted them), the deeper the impact.
So the target of a Narcissist often ends up in a much worse position than they were before the met them, and can end up with a lack of "friends" who were apparently superficial in the first place, or they would still be around, especially when the person went through such trauma.
Since Narcissists only take but don't give, they often end up in better positions, and often continue to gain and gain throughout their lives. They also tend to be good at cultivating and maintaining superficial "friendships" that don't require any genuine, real-life-mutual support like one would need to give in a healthy friendship, family or romantic relationship, so they often appear to be surrounded by good relationships.
Narcissist Formula
Don't forget the formula:
The more you are dealing with, the less the Narcissist can "tolerate" being supportive of you. The more knowledgeable, skilled, or talented you are, the more they will try to put you down, invalidate you, belittle you, or sabotage you. The more impassioned you are, the more "annoyed" they will be with you. The more you talk, the more they feel like they're not getting to talk. The more you help them, the more they resent you. The kinder and more supportive you are toward them, the LESS they will be toward you.
And don't forget about the stereotypes, gender roles, and bigotry (sexism and racism, heightism, ageism, classism, etc etc).
It's all real, and it's all the time.
THEY are not YOU, THEY don't control LIFE on this planet, or YOUR life.
The more you are dealing with, the less the Narcissist can "tolerate" being supportive of you. The more knowledgeable, skilled, or talented you are, the more they will try to put you down, invalidate you, belittle you, or sabotage you. The more impassioned you are, the more "annoyed" they will be with you. The more you talk, the more they feel like they're not getting to talk. The more you help them, the more they resent you. The kinder and more supportive you are toward them, the LESS they will be toward you.
And don't forget about the stereotypes, gender roles, and bigotry (sexism and racism, heightism, ageism, classism, etc etc).
It's all real, and it's all the time.
THEY are not YOU, THEY don't control LIFE on this planet, or YOUR life.
If They Want You To Be "Wrong"
If a person wants you to be wrong, resents or envies you, or wants to have control, favor, or popularity over you for whatever personal issues they have, they are likely to:
argue with you about anything
"snap at" you about anything
criticize you for anything at all
judge you as inferior
be purposely non-supportive of your endeavors or goals
be purposely non-supportive of you when you have difficulties
put you down, insult you, make fun of you, harass you
imply that you are crazy, self-centered, or histrionic
make demands of you
not use "manners" or courtesy when talking or interacting with you
cast blame and shame on you for random things
be dishonest with you
invalidate whatever you say or express
say that you're wrong no matter what you're saying (even if you repeat what they just said a few minutes ago, verbatim)
treat you like you don't belong
try to make you feel like you don't belong or "unliked" by treating others around you with attention and courtesy, but NOT you, on purpose.
may try to turn others against you
~
These behaviors are flags that you are dealing with a person of lesser maturity who may have a problem with entitlement, a lack of boundary health, and is probably very insecure, or fearful, or intimidated by you.
argue with you about anything
"snap at" you about anything
criticize you for anything at all
judge you as inferior
be purposely non-supportive of your endeavors or goals
be purposely non-supportive of you when you have difficulties
put you down, insult you, make fun of you, harass you
imply that you are crazy, self-centered, or histrionic
make demands of you
not use "manners" or courtesy when talking or interacting with you
cast blame and shame on you for random things
be dishonest with you
invalidate whatever you say or express
say that you're wrong no matter what you're saying (even if you repeat what they just said a few minutes ago, verbatim)
treat you like you don't belong
try to make you feel like you don't belong or "unliked" by treating others around you with attention and courtesy, but NOT you, on purpose.
may try to turn others against you
~
These behaviors are flags that you are dealing with a person of lesser maturity who may have a problem with entitlement, a lack of boundary health, and is probably very insecure, or fearful, or intimidated by you.
Abuse Can Cause Mental Illness
Constantly
being exposed to abusive people behaving abusively can and often does
cause mental/emotional illness. Especially for targets of abuse, and
especially for targets of abuse who are not being supported or protected
by those around them.
Typically in communities and families where Narcissism is present, people often abandon or attack a target of abuse INSTEAD OF supporting or protecting them.
Mental/emotional illness from the trauma of abuse and abandonment can be healed, however it may require completely removing one's self from one's original environment, creating distance or blocking contact completely from those who were abusive and also from those who were purposely non-supportive.
Typically in communities and families where Narcissism is present, people often abandon or attack a target of abuse INSTEAD OF supporting or protecting them.
Mental/emotional illness from the trauma of abuse and abandonment can be healed, however it may require completely removing one's self from one's original environment, creating distance or blocking contact completely from those who were abusive and also from those who were purposely non-supportive.
Controller Narcissists Isolate Their Targets
One of the main reasons Controllers and Narcissists isolate their Targets from others is so that the Target will not have anyone who is supportive of them or protective of them.
A Narcissist will do all kinds of things to isolate a Target from others, and then claim to be a person who cares and is supportive of them. But when the Target seeks even minimal support about anything, the Narcissist reacts with venom, criticism, aggression, or dismissiveness.
They don't simply want some control over the Target, they want complete control. They don't want the Target to have ANY support from any other source.
They don't want the Target to receive any neutral or positive feedback from others either, because neutral and positive feedback from other people is one of the main ways human beings build and maintain their confidence and self-esteem, and know that their mental and emotional health is sound.
A Narcissist will do all kinds of things to isolate a Target from others, and then claim to be a person who cares and is supportive of them. But when the Target seeks even minimal support about anything, the Narcissist reacts with venom, criticism, aggression, or dismissiveness.
They don't simply want some control over the Target, they want complete control. They don't want the Target to have ANY support from any other source.
They don't want the Target to receive any neutral or positive feedback from others either, because neutral and positive feedback from other people is one of the main ways human beings build and maintain their confidence and self-esteem, and know that their mental and emotional health is sound.
Stop The Blame Game, It DOES Take A Village To Raise A Child (Properly)
Only a
complete fool puts the blame solely on one (or both) parents when their son or daughter has apparent behavioral or emotional problems in adulthood,
including anxiety or depression.
The larger part of a person's life path and behavior was developed because of their experiences during childhood. Children are directly influenced by the rest of the family members, by the kids and adults in the community they grow up in, by the way they're treated by the various people around them, and by the way each of their parents are treated by other people.
They're also influenced by media, but that's only in relation to the influence of the real people around them.
If identical twins were born with identical genetic mental and emotional health and intellect, but they were raised in two distinctly different families and communities (for example one in a supportive atmosphere with minimal sexism, racism, and denial, and one in a chaotic, abusive, or neglectful one), they might retain certain similarities with one another but for the most part they would be very, very different from one another as adults in values, outlook, emotional health, behavior, and life choices.
The larger part of a person's life path and behavior was developed because of their experiences during childhood. Children are directly influenced by the rest of the family members, by the kids and adults in the community they grow up in, by the way they're treated by the various people around them, and by the way each of their parents are treated by other people.
They're also influenced by media, but that's only in relation to the influence of the real people around them.
If identical twins were born with identical genetic mental and emotional health and intellect, but they were raised in two distinctly different families and communities (for example one in a supportive atmosphere with minimal sexism, racism, and denial, and one in a chaotic, abusive, or neglectful one), they might retain certain similarities with one another but for the most part they would be very, very different from one another as adults in values, outlook, emotional health, behavior, and life choices.
Where Sexism And Racism Come From
Where does bigotry and bias come from, especially the kind that is expressed in actively harassing, sabotaging, harming, manipulating, and oppressing other human beings?
This is an age-old question that people love to debate. Is it biology or is it taught? Nature vs. Nurture?
Is one sex or ancestry actually superior to another?
Or superior in certain ways?
Or in enough ways to make them DESERVE privilege and power over others?
The actual, objective, fact-based SCIENTIFIC answers to these questions can not be answered at this time, because there is no way to TEST it in a controlled environment.
The current cultural biases in the species is predominantly pro-male and anti-female. This is reflected in the behavior of BOTH males and females species-wide.
This bias has been directly influenced for centuries by the BEHAVIORS that are learned and mimicked from one generation to another.
That's why so many people have CONTEMPT and resentment toward girls and women, either individuals in their lives, or toward the whole group.
The desire for control over who and what one fears and has contempt for, and ALSO who and what one desires to OWN, is a common human reaction and behavior.
There are over 7 billion humans on Earth currently, and ALL OF THEM have been directly influenced by the culture and behaviors surrounding them. In other words, EVERYONE has been influenced to believe what others around them believe, both inside and outside of their family.
So scientifically it's not possible to determine if any race or either sex is actually "superior" or "inferior", because EVERY HUMAN ALIVE has been influenced by the bias and beliefs that they grew up with.
There are NO "controlled environments" where large, racially diverse groups of infants have been raised since birth by NON-HUMANS who are non-gendered and non-biased, who would therefore NOT influence the infants and children either by their own behavior, or by the way they TREAT the babies.
MOST humans treat infants right from birth with bias, due to all kinds of physical traits about the infant, and mostly because of the infants' sex (boy or girl)). So by the time the child is in First Grade, he or she has already been deeply influenced by the biased treatment of adults around them, and their surrounding culture.
(They are "guided" to "be" a certain way, toward certain behaviors, abilities, and preferences and AWAY from others according to what OTHER people want them to be like, because of what sex they were born with, and also other physical traits like skin color, facial features, size, and vocal intonation. ALSO, MOST people tend to be in deep denial about treating their infants and children with bias, and those who are not in denial but do it anyway may have other issues (mental or emotional) and would not want to change it because they WANT to treat one child as superior, and another as inferior, regardless of the effects on the child.)
This is an age-old question that people love to debate. Is it biology or is it taught? Nature vs. Nurture?
Is one sex or ancestry actually superior to another?
Or superior in certain ways?
Or in enough ways to make them DESERVE privilege and power over others?
The actual, objective, fact-based SCIENTIFIC answers to these questions can not be answered at this time, because there is no way to TEST it in a controlled environment.
The current cultural biases in the species is predominantly pro-male and anti-female. This is reflected in the behavior of BOTH males and females species-wide.
This bias has been directly influenced for centuries by the BEHAVIORS that are learned and mimicked from one generation to another.
That's why so many people have CONTEMPT and resentment toward girls and women, either individuals in their lives, or toward the whole group.
The desire for control over who and what one fears and has contempt for, and ALSO who and what one desires to OWN, is a common human reaction and behavior.
There are over 7 billion humans on Earth currently, and ALL OF THEM have been directly influenced by the culture and behaviors surrounding them. In other words, EVERYONE has been influenced to believe what others around them believe, both inside and outside of their family.
So scientifically it's not possible to determine if any race or either sex is actually "superior" or "inferior", because EVERY HUMAN ALIVE has been influenced by the bias and beliefs that they grew up with.
There are NO "controlled environments" where large, racially diverse groups of infants have been raised since birth by NON-HUMANS who are non-gendered and non-biased, who would therefore NOT influence the infants and children either by their own behavior, or by the way they TREAT the babies.
MOST humans treat infants right from birth with bias, due to all kinds of physical traits about the infant, and mostly because of the infants' sex (boy or girl)). So by the time the child is in First Grade, he or she has already been deeply influenced by the biased treatment of adults around them, and their surrounding culture.
(They are "guided" to "be" a certain way, toward certain behaviors, abilities, and preferences and AWAY from others according to what OTHER people want them to be like, because of what sex they were born with, and also other physical traits like skin color, facial features, size, and vocal intonation. ALSO, MOST people tend to be in deep denial about treating their infants and children with bias, and those who are not in denial but do it anyway may have other issues (mental or emotional) and would not want to change it because they WANT to treat one child as superior, and another as inferior, regardless of the effects on the child.)
Bullies Get What They Want Because Of Fear And Skewed Perception
One of the reasons that bullies seem to get what they want more often is because... they bully other people into giving them what they want on a regular basis, and throw "blame" around when they're not getting what they want.
People tend to try to avoid blame, and they tend to fear potential personal consequences from getting blamed, and also direct aggression from BULLIES, so they tend to cater to bullies for these reasons alone.
On top of that, many people learn (unfortunately) to associate BULLY behavior with "authority" during their youth, and will GIVE bullies and controllers jobs, trust, and positions of authority.
They'll even often stand up for a bully AGAINST the bully's targets, because of this skewed reasoning.
One can witness this often in society at large; when a person complains about being treated poorly, scammed, "discriminated against", or even physically assaulted, MANY people will side AGAINST that person, and WITH the bully or perpetrator, and without wanting to know anything about the actual events that took place. They seem to be identifying with the BULLY.
People tend to try to avoid blame, and they tend to fear potential personal consequences from getting blamed, and also direct aggression from BULLIES, so they tend to cater to bullies for these reasons alone.
On top of that, many people learn (unfortunately) to associate BULLY behavior with "authority" during their youth, and will GIVE bullies and controllers jobs, trust, and positions of authority.
They'll even often stand up for a bully AGAINST the bully's targets, because of this skewed reasoning.
One can witness this often in society at large; when a person complains about being treated poorly, scammed, "discriminated against", or even physically assaulted, MANY people will side AGAINST that person, and WITH the bully or perpetrator, and without wanting to know anything about the actual events that took place. They seem to be identifying with the BULLY.
Flattery PLUS Insults Will Get You Far In Monkey Land
Fake flattery is one of the "skills" learned by many people who seek acceptance by others.
Those who have Narcissism often learn how to do it on another level of skill, and learn how to turn it on when they want something from someone, either material or otherwise (trust, etc.)
Demeaning, insulting implications and personal criticisms toward others are ALSO part of this "skill set". Those who combine this with fake flattery are often successful at confusing others and building an image that depicts them as having a high level of ability and intelligence.
People who don't do fake flattery OR personal insults, or rude (dismissive, disrespectful) behaviors - who live in social climates where these social habits are common - are OFTEN "unpopular", often judged as not fitting in, and often rejected socially, simply because they don't do and say the things that others are used to, or that they expect from them.
They don't flatter people just to get their approval, nor do they insult people just to get a laugh or to bully them, and they don't GO ALONG with it when others do these things, either to them or to other people. It's not just that they openly reject or "call out" the behaviors, it's more about simply not doing them, nor responding favorably to them.
~When a person tries to flatter OR bully them, they just don't give the expected response, so the person doesn't get what they were looking for. So therefore, the person doesn't "like" them.
These behaviors (fake flattery, insulting or bullying comments and actions) become normalized in varying degrees in cultures, and people who feel like they fit in tend to see them as "Just The Way We Are", "Just The Way Everyone Is".
So when a person does not go along with it for ANY reason, they are noticed, and often REACTED TO negatively.
This is one of the main reasons why those with Autism traits are often treated poorly. They tend not to go along with social habits such as flattery or bully displays, nor do they respond to them.
So it's hard for a person to get their approval, adulation, or their trust with mere words, or just because everyone else apparently thinks they're "cool" or in some way superior, NOR are they easily intimidated with "toughness" or bully displays, NOR can others get them to accept or believe in anyone's superiority over them, typically.
Those who have Narcissism often learn how to do it on another level of skill, and learn how to turn it on when they want something from someone, either material or otherwise (trust, etc.)
Demeaning, insulting implications and personal criticisms toward others are ALSO part of this "skill set". Those who combine this with fake flattery are often successful at confusing others and building an image that depicts them as having a high level of ability and intelligence.
People who don't do fake flattery OR personal insults, or rude (dismissive, disrespectful) behaviors - who live in social climates where these social habits are common - are OFTEN "unpopular", often judged as not fitting in, and often rejected socially, simply because they don't do and say the things that others are used to, or that they expect from them.
They don't flatter people just to get their approval, nor do they insult people just to get a laugh or to bully them, and they don't GO ALONG with it when others do these things, either to them or to other people. It's not just that they openly reject or "call out" the behaviors, it's more about simply not doing them, nor responding favorably to them.
~When a person tries to flatter OR bully them, they just don't give the expected response, so the person doesn't get what they were looking for. So therefore, the person doesn't "like" them.
These behaviors (fake flattery, insulting or bullying comments and actions) become normalized in varying degrees in cultures, and people who feel like they fit in tend to see them as "Just The Way We Are", "Just The Way Everyone Is".
So when a person does not go along with it for ANY reason, they are noticed, and often REACTED TO negatively.
This is one of the main reasons why those with Autism traits are often treated poorly. They tend not to go along with social habits such as flattery or bully displays, nor do they respond to them.
So it's hard for a person to get their approval, adulation, or their trust with mere words, or just because everyone else apparently thinks they're "cool" or in some way superior, NOR are they easily intimidated with "toughness" or bully displays, NOR can others get them to accept or believe in anyone's superiority over them, typically.
Red Flag: Narcissism or Control
Red flag:
Prone to contempt and resentment toward others as an initial reaction to those who are physically different than themselves (sex, ancestry, religion, "class", appearance, age, etc).
Prone to extreme, even hateful bias against those who are different than themselves; those who are the "same" as they are are considered simply "in disagreement", or are listened to with at least some measure of respect.
However if the "different-minded" person is physically different than themselves, of a certain sex or ancestry, age, etc., they feel and express contempt toward the PERSON.
Contempt for others who are physically different than they are.
Contempt for young people and children.
Racism and/or sexism,esp. toward young people.
Contempt for people who have a different point of view.
Expressing contempt for others at every opportunity.
Apparently like to feel contempt and rationalizes and justifies it as if it's valid no matter who or what it's about.
Prone to contempt FIRST, not trying to understand another person's point of view or having any respect for their personhood or differences, or simply the body they were born in.
This may be more biologically-based than learned, however it's hard to tell since those who display this kind of severe bias and hate-thinking have often been raised around one or more other people with the type of attitude and apparently pathological prejudice.
The desire for superiority and deep-seated insecurity are at the root of this contempt-hate thinking, but again, it can be learned from others as well during youth as if it's perfectly "normal".
For example if a child has a classmate who intimidates them, an adult with these issues might tell the child not to worry about that classmate because they're "inferior" to them because of their sex or race, INSTEAD OF giving the child guidance about dealing with feeling insecure, or understanding other people, how to treat other people, and dealing with other people's behavior, personality, or differences.
Usually, those with this type of contempt-thinking desire to be superior and supreme over either another race or the opposite sex, and it's typically based in their identification with certain family members, or certain individuals they've idolized who they think are "superior", or who they think OTHERS see as superior.
They typically want to be SEEN as "superior" like that person, via their sex, ancestry, or both (or for some other superficial reason).
They'll often be seen doing and saying things to put others down, trying to make it come true, and trying to recruit others to go along with them in projecting "inferiority" onto others.
Superiority issues are based in insecurity, not confidence: one does not worry about whether frogs are equal in intellect or capability, and does not try to oppress them or rule over them. However humans have always tried to "tame" and dominate other creatures that intimidate them.
Again, this contempt and severe-bias thinking is usually "learned" during childhood, and it may be either directly taught by those with superiority/insecurity issues, or inadvertently by adults who have been normalized and desensitized to it by those around them in their own youth.
Prone to contempt and resentment toward others as an initial reaction to those who are physically different than themselves (sex, ancestry, religion, "class", appearance, age, etc).
Prone to extreme, even hateful bias against those who are different than themselves; those who are the "same" as they are are considered simply "in disagreement", or are listened to with at least some measure of respect.
However if the "different-minded" person is physically different than themselves, of a certain sex or ancestry, age, etc., they feel and express contempt toward the PERSON.
Contempt for others who are physically different than they are.
Contempt for young people and children.
Racism and/or sexism,esp. toward young people.
Contempt for people who have a different point of view.
Expressing contempt for others at every opportunity.
Apparently like to feel contempt and rationalizes and justifies it as if it's valid no matter who or what it's about.
Prone to contempt FIRST, not trying to understand another person's point of view or having any respect for their personhood or differences, or simply the body they were born in.
This may be more biologically-based than learned, however it's hard to tell since those who display this kind of severe bias and hate-thinking have often been raised around one or more other people with the type of attitude and apparently pathological prejudice.
The desire for superiority and deep-seated insecurity are at the root of this contempt-hate thinking, but again, it can be learned from others as well during youth as if it's perfectly "normal".
For example if a child has a classmate who intimidates them, an adult with these issues might tell the child not to worry about that classmate because they're "inferior" to them because of their sex or race, INSTEAD OF giving the child guidance about dealing with feeling insecure, or understanding other people, how to treat other people, and dealing with other people's behavior, personality, or differences.
Usually, those with this type of contempt-thinking desire to be superior and supreme over either another race or the opposite sex, and it's typically based in their identification with certain family members, or certain individuals they've idolized who they think are "superior", or who they think OTHERS see as superior.
They typically want to be SEEN as "superior" like that person, via their sex, ancestry, or both (or for some other superficial reason).
They'll often be seen doing and saying things to put others down, trying to make it come true, and trying to recruit others to go along with them in projecting "inferiority" onto others.
Superiority issues are based in insecurity, not confidence: one does not worry about whether frogs are equal in intellect or capability, and does not try to oppress them or rule over them. However humans have always tried to "tame" and dominate other creatures that intimidate them.
Again, this contempt and severe-bias thinking is usually "learned" during childhood, and it may be either directly taught by those with superiority/insecurity issues, or inadvertently by adults who have been normalized and desensitized to it by those around them in their own youth.
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