Red Flag: My Friends or Family Members Don't Like My Partner

Red Flag that a friend, family member, or coworker may have Narcissism, or other emotional illness:

~They act strangely, coldly, or negatively toward your other friends, family members, or your romantic partner.

~They look for excuses to 'dislike' and reject the person, but NOT for reasons to accept, welcome, include, or tolerate them.

~They may treat your partner, friend, or family member BETTER than they treat you.

~They may show a negative mood change whenever you spend time with your partner, other friend or family member, or when you talk about the other person in a positive way.

~They may visibly show a lack of friendly manner, courtesy, or respect toward your partner, family member or friend.

~They may display dominance behavior or blatant disrespect toward your partner, friend, or family member.

~They try to get your attention, time, energy and resources away from your partner, other friend, or other family member.

~These behaviors occur in the absence of aggressive, threatening, or disrespectful and cliquey behavior toward them on the part of yourself or your family member, friend, or partner.

~They stay connected and tolerant of people who are hostile toward others, who are bigoted, who are disloyal toward others (cheating, lying), who gossip and slander, who are abusive toward humans or animals, or who do criminal activity including corruption or drugs, BUT they are judgmental and rejecting toward your partner, friend, or family member.

These behaviors show that the person is lacking in several areas that are important for healthy, positive human relationships and connectivity, such as good will, respect for others, and respect for others' relationships. It also shows that the person's behavior is governed by intense moods, emotional reactions, insecurity, possessiveness, and control, not by values, ethics, or integrity.

This can be very difficult to come to terms with. When a person realizes that their friends or family members are not mature enough to deal with their own feelings of resentment, jealousy, envy, prejudice, and insecurity, they often don't know where to turn or what to do. It puts a person in a "double bind", meaning a "lose/lose" situation that's not of their own making. Having a positive relationship with one person means that others are going to react with negativity, rejection, and mood swings. So in order to avoid their negative reactions and behaviors and keep "peace", one must reject or diminish the other positive relationship, which means rejecting that person. 
Treating a person's partner, or other friend or family member poorly is a control tactic. 
"Reject that person, or we'll reject YOU."
Only those with Control Issues act in this manner.Giving in to these Control Tactics means one thing: LOSING the positive relationship.

The "relationships" that one has with Controllers are not genuine, they are conditional, based solely on the beliefs, whims, wants, and emotional reactions of the Controllers, not on MUTUAL respect or friendship. In other words, if you don't fit in with them, if you change or grow, if you do or say anything they don't agree with or that makes them uncomfortable in any way (like if you become more successful, if you don't agree with their politics, if you don't go along with their agendas, or if you don't tiptoe around their egos), they are going to reject you anyway. Regardless of your other relationships.

So rejecting the POSITIVE, HEALTHY relationship in order to avoid rejection from Controllers means rejecting a GOOD situation in order to keep a negative situation. 

Male Point Of View And Mr. Peabody

For those who are interested in the subject of cultural conditioning and how sex/gender roles are subtly conveyed to children, the movie "Mr. Peabody and Sherman" is a good current example. The movie was brilliantly done, a wonderful combination of artistry and science resulting in a very entertaining piece of animated cinematography, imho, I enjoyed it very much. Based on the cartoons from the 1950s and 60s that ran with Rocky and Bullwinkle (Ted Key, Jay Ward), Mr. Peabody is a Beagle who happens to be the smartest being ever, he's highly accomplished in any field he's interested in. He adopts a human child named Sherman, and invents a time travel machine called the "Wabac Machine", and teaches Sherman History lessons by actually going to various places and events in History. Sherman's friend Peggy is part of the cast of characters. The cartoon and the movie mix teaching and mentoring with fun, humor, and interesting entertainment. 

Mr. Peabody and Sherman is such an excellent show that the male-bias-point of view can be difficult to notice if one is not paying attention, because it's aligned with stereotyping, behavior, and language that most people are USED TO. They use normalized gender stereotypes and normalized male-bias behavior and language, so it's not so noticeable to most people. It's not some kind of blatant "war on women", no one is waving a torch or attacking females, it's much more innocuous and subtle, and therefore much more effective.
In other words, people might notice if Mr. Peabody and Sherman attacked Peggy or called her terrible names, but they won't notice when she gets ignored, condescended to, or excluded.
This is how it's done.

The first thing a person might notice is their own defensiveness when reading this post.
"Give me a break! Seriously? Mr. Peabody and Sherman is sexist? That's just ridiculous! FemNazi!"
That kind of defensive reaction is a signal that something quite real is going on, and the person's SUBCONSCIOUS KNOWS IT, even if their conscious mind is trying to pretend it isn't.

Making it about Feminism, Politics, and Radicalism is another signal that the subconscious DOES have awareness about the male bias.

It's just science.

Emotional attachment will cause a person to either become defensive or protective about any subject.
If one is objective, they won't be either one.
If they "feel" something, it will just be curiosity or boredom.
It won't be about taking sides or being defensive, and it certainly won't include hostility.

Humans insert BIAS into things all the time, it's nothing new.
Getting worked up and defensive means that a person is emotionally attached to a certain Bias, and does not want anyone to talk about it, point it out, or expose it.

In the movie Mr. Peabody and Sherman, there are many examples of "male-only" or "male-biased point of view" in the otherwise wonderful film, such as the low number of female characters altogether.

Why does it matter whether it's male biased or not? Because no one is SAYING that it's a male-bias-point of view, and it's being presented as a "general audience" kid's movie. That's misrepresentation, but that's ALSO so normalized in Western culture that most people don't even notice it when it's happening right in front of them, even to their own kids, or to themselves.

The female characters that are portrayed are either weak (Peggy's mother), self-centered and bullying (Peggy and the control freak DCF worker, Mrs. Grunyon), or dimwitted and self-centered (Marie Antoinette). Peabody and Sherman visited only male "geniuses" from History. There were no positive, smart, strong female characters, but plenty of male ones. Even Mona Lisa, Da Vinci's portrait subject, was depicted as "disagreeable" and argumentative. There were also plenty of subtle (or not so subtle) jokes making references to anti-female innuendos.

But there were also some subtle, or not-so-subtle, ancestral innuendos that also aligned with normalized stereotypes that targeted male characters, however that still did NOT depict those targeted males as "weak" or "completely incapable". The only person who was targeted as completely negative was the female DCF worker, everyone else was given a couple of positive little nods in their direction, including Peggy.

~~~Giving a negatively portrayed character a little positive "nod" is actually part of the process, it's like a gossip saying about a coworker "She's such a slut, look at those shoes, and I heard that she treats her husband like crap, he's whipped - well I don't really know, that's just what I heard... I'm not saying she's a BAD PERSON, I mean, I don't really know her." 
~~ "I'm not saying she's a BAD PERSON"... after they just called her a slut and said she treats her husband badly... that's about them trying to cover up being a  Gossip and a backstabber.

All in all, the film had the appearance of not being PURPOSELY male-biased, at first glance, or even second. Most people won't even think twice about the fact that Peggy was not included in the "work" on Leonardo Da Vinci's machine, or realize that anti-female-stereotype "jokes" are not appropriate in a children's film, nor are ancestral innuendos. They might not even notice the stereotype reference to "A Dog's Best Friend" being a BOY, and not a CHILD, who could be either male or female.
The give-away that the male-bias POV was, indeed, on purpose, was one particular scene where Peggy and Sherman crashed Leonard Da Vinci's "Flying Machine". It was Peggy who flew the machine. It was completely her idea to do it in the first place, Sherman was very resistant, afraid he'd get in trouble. Peggy jumped in and hit the lever that launched it, took the controls and flew the machine with Sherman hanging on for dear life. After flying around for some time, thoroughly enjoying flying the machine, she forced Sherman into taking over the controls in an attempt to make him realize his self-confidence. Then, Mr. Peabody TOLD Sherman that he doesn't know how to fly, so Sherman suddenly crashed the Flying Machine. Da Vinci is very excited to see that the machine WORKED, and runs over to greet them.

BUT.
Da Vinci exclaims that Sherman is the "first man to fly"!
Here's where it gets interesting.
(People who are defensive will say "oh stop making a big deal, it's nothing..." but it actually IS "something", this is important).

Da Vinci does not say "person", or even "boy", he says "MAN". Remember, adults wrote the script. Da Vinci isn't a real person, they wrote that line, the actor performed that line, and a huge number of adults edited and processed the movie. Scripts for films is a BIG DEAL, if they didn't want it there, it wouldn't be there.

Sherman does NOT say "Actually, Peggy is the one who flew the plane!" OR, "Peggy actually flew it first!" OR "It was Peggy's idea!"
He doesn't say any of these things.
Again, the script was written that way.

Now, if Sherman had a twin brother with him instead of Peggy, a girl, and his brother flew the plane first, what would the script sound like then?

NOR DID Peggy say a single word about it. (Would Sherman's twin brother have kept silent when Sherman was praised for "being the first Man to fly"? Is that how the script would have gone? Probably not...)

That one scene gave confirmation that the male-bias-point-of-view was indeed on purpose.
It is very possible, of course, that the filmmakers were keeping with the original spirit of the cartoon from the 50s and 60s, but what if the original bias on the cartoon was between whites and blacks? Would it be okay then? 
Probably not...
Humans generally accept any bias that they grew up with as "normal", as "the way things are", but if they didn't grow up with it, they'll notice it and say it's wrong.
They also don't tend to think it's so "okay" and "normal" if the bias is obviously against themselves.
Funny how that works.

Bias is modeled to children on a regular basis in our various human cultures.
Whatever group feels the most entitled to control and power is usually the group making the most insulting "jokes" about other groups, and trying the hardest to imply that THEIR group is actually the most deserving of "power" and control because they are the "best and the brightest", and the "most innocent" as well.

It's otherwise a really great movie.

Annoyed At Babies And Children, Control And Narcissism

When a baby is born, we immediately see if the baby can make noise and respond to external stimuli. When the baby responds, we can tell that her/his boundaries are intact. Babies make noise when they feel hungry or uncomfortable, which is the only way they have to communicate that they need to be cleaned, fed, helped with pain or illness, and generally cared for.

Babies who make noise in order to get the attention of an adult are doing what they're SUPPOSED TO DO.

Adults who have Narcissism often get annoyed when babies make noise instead of feeling the normal empathy response to find out what the baby is trying to communicate, what the baby needs, or how to meet that needs.
They may also respond to the baby's noises in another "caregiving" way, such as ASSUMING that they already know why the baby is making noise, which is about their image of being a "good caregiver", or an "expert", not about actually caring for the baby.

Narcissistic adults typically feel either no compulsion to care for an infant, no empathy, care, or personal respect toward the baby or child or their well-being, OR they may feel ownership toward the child, and entitlement to that ownership. This can be seen in Narcissistic adults who ARE the parents of a child, but also who are NOT the parents of a child.
(Both are often seen, and noticeable, in N. adults who's job entails working with babies and children.)

Adults who have Narcissism may completely neglect a baby or child, or "discipline" a baby for making normal communicative noises. They are often ANNOYED by the child's noises and behaviors, and they are ALSO often annoyed that the child is not fitting into their expectations.

As babies get older and grow, they are often treated worse and worse by the Narcissistic adults around them, in their family or community. The more normal, healthy autonomy and genuine self-esteem they show, and the less they go along with the "Status Quo" (SOCIAL hierarchy of who is supposed to be treated like they're 'wonderful', and who is supposed to be treated like a 'shadow'), the more the Controllers around them will target them.

Children who don't act exactly like a Narcissistic adult wants them to act will often be labeled as "WEIRD" or "BAD", or even "CRAZY". Unfortunately since humans tend to follow along with others so easily. other people often go right along with targeting a CHILD for this kind of labeling and slander instead of standing against it and protecting the child from it. So instead of just one Narcissistic adult targeting a child with terrible labels and slander, there often ends up being a whole group of people scapegoating the child, and continuing it as the child grows.

In nearly all cases, when scapegoating exists in a group, favoritism also exists. If there is a scapegoat, there is nearly always also a "Golden Child" or a "Hero-adult" (or several).

It does not matter whether the EXPECTATIONS projected onto a child by Narcissistic adults are like a "perfect little lady or gentleman", OR like a "little bad-ass", or like a "jock", or even a "green pacifist" or a "religious zealot".
All that matters to Narcissistic adults is whether the child FITS THEIR OWN IMAGE and EXPECTATIONS or not. A child who does not appear COMPLETELY COMPLIANT is a THREAT to a Narcissistic adult's IMAGE (perfect father/mother, intimidating authoritarian, bad-ass coach, perfect or beloved teacher, etc.)

In other words, they treat the children in their group the same way they treat adults: If you don't FIT IN with what we want from you, and how we want you to BE, you're NOT WELCOME, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU'RE NOT ONE OF US, WE DON'T WANT YOU, YOU'RE INFERIOR.

So if a child fits in their CLIQUE and follows their expectations, fits in with their version of reality, makes them FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES, they'll often put the child on a pedestal. If a child DOES NOT fit in, or does not feed their ego for whatever reasons, they'll often scapegoat the child.
Just like they do with adults. Of course it's much more damaging to children, because children are relying on these adults for their very survival, as well as their healthy growth as human beings.
~Narcissistic adults often treat children and young people according to their SIZE and APPEARANCE, not their actual AGE. So they'll treat a tall 15-year-old like an adult, and a small 15-year-old like a younger child. They may treat a young adult who LOOKS older like they are more capable and responsible than another of the same age who has a more child-like appearance.
They often treat adolescent children who's bodies have the appearance of sexual maturity like PEERS, like they're the same age as themselves, instead of KIDS.

Embracing Sexism: People Who Want Gender Roles And Stereotypes To Be Real

It's no big mystery why so many boys willingly embrace believing when they're told that males are superior to females. Being superior means that one is ENTITLED to control and authority over others, so of course they would want it to be true. The less mature a person is, the more they want to be in charge of others for no reason other than they feel powerful being "the boss". In human beings, whoever is given the Royal Scepter of entitlement and authority is usually loathe to give it up.

It's also no big mystery why so many women go right along with cultural stereotypes and gender "roles". One's beliefs are tied to one's IDENTITY, one's sense of "self", who we are in relation to others, how we fit into the world, and WHY.

A MAN wouldn't want a GIRL to be able to fix cars, build houses, be a math or science expert, be a master musician or artist, be physically strong, or LACK FEAR  because it contradicts his feeling of automatic superiority... boys were often TOLD that many tasks and even FEELINGS are "male only", that girls and women aren't ABLE to do certain tasks or learn them, understand them, or feel certain emotions because they just aren't "equipped". They were told and shown that they were superior to females when they were children, so of course they want it to be true.

But why would a WOMAN also not want a GIRL to be able to do those things? Because... she may have bought into the stereotypes when she was growing up too. MANY women were told or SHOWN over and over while they were growing up that the REASON they were being treated with LESS RESPECT than their male relatives and friends was because females are UNABLE to learn and do certain things.
These beliefs became internalized, part of their IDENTITY.
So when Dad taught their BROTHER how to fix the car, but not THEM, they BELIEVED IT when Mom and Dad said that it was because "boys are naturally good at fixing cars and girls are not", or that "girls are not strong enough to fix cars, but boys are".
(As if all boys have the same strength and ability, and all girls have the same lack of either.)

They BELIEVED IT TO BE TRUE, so they made it part of their REALITY.

Giving those kinds of beliefs up means DISMANTLING THEIR ENTIRE BELIEF SYSTEM, about who they are, and about the world itself. And it would also mean that they would have to face the fact that they were taught less than true things by the people they cared the most for, their own family. It would likely feel like a terrible betrayal, or like the floor is falling out from under one's feet, and that's too much for many people to deal with, understandably.

BUT ALSO~~~ Women who KNOW that the gender roles and stereotypes are not really REAL often USE THEM to gain and keep control over BOTH women and men.
Controller/Narcissist MEN often do the same thing, and have been doing it for CENTURIES.

A Controller/Narcissist KNOWS that other people are emotionally invested in stereotypes, gender roles and expectations, so they can easily use them to HURT others, to control others, to hurt the reputations of others, to sabotage them in business and in any other goals they may have, and even to destroy their social ties.
For example, it's EASY for a Narcissist to get others to turn against a woman who is an automechanic, or a man who cares for children, because those are NOT culturally stereotyped "gender roles".

They are not within the parameters of the stereotypes.

It's NOT NEARLY AS EASY for a Narcissist to get others to turn against a woman who is a Registered Nurse, or a man who is a Contractor, because those jobs are WITHIN the cultural stereotypes.
People will BELIEVE that a person is "GOOD" just because the person does a job that fits with the stereotype of their sex, and they EASILY turn on those who are doing something that does NOT FIT the stereotype of their sex.

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE PERSON doing the task, the job, or having the interest, it's about PEOPLE'S BELIEFS that are TIED TO THEIR OWN IDENTITIES AND EGOS. 

"Desperately Seeking Targets": What Narcissists Want

What do Narcissists seek in a romantic partner, business partner, employee, or friend?

Cross the word "Partner" out first. Narcissists are not interested in being "equal" with anyone. Everyone else, to them, is either "above" or "below", either a Leader or a Follower, either a Boss or a Subordinate, either the Star of the show or the Star's assistant, either the Main Attraction or an audience member.
SINCE in their minds everyone is either The Leader or The Follower, the Diva or the Groupie, the Expert or the Novice, they usually prefer to be one rather than the other.

That being said, what, again, do Narcissists seek in others?

~Willingness to play second-fiddle (or third, or fourth, just never first) at all times, in every situation.

~Willingness to be treated as an unimportant, less valuable person.

~Willingness to give up one's own aspirations, goals, and plans in order to be the Narcissist's assistant, support system, tool-fetcher, caregiver or audience member.

~Willingness to drop whatever one is doing at any time in order to fulfill someone else's requests.

~Willingness to feign a lack of knowledge, experience, and ability in order to allow the Narcissist, and/or someone else connected to them, to always feel superior.

~Willingness to be left behind, left out, ignored, unacknowledged, invalidated on a regular basis, diminished as a person.

~Willingness to pretend to believe bold-faced lies and obvious b.s.

~Willingness to put up with insulting, inconsiderate, impolite, rude, crude, or even cruel behavior and speech, either on a regular basis, or sporadically.

~Willingness to risk losing everything, including one's remaining self-esteem, confidence, health, and dignity, for someone else's continued comfort.

~Willingness to go along with anything and everything another person wants or says.

~Willingness to give up one's autonomy and personal liberty, regardless of what one may or may not receive in return.

~Willingness to dissolve any genuine connections that one may have with others.

~Willingness to pretend that any wrongdoing that someone else has done didn't really happen, or go along with justifying that there was a good reason for whatever they did or didn't do.

~Willingness to accept betrayal, and pretend it didn't happen.

~Willingness to never disagree, never speak one's own mind, never express annoyance, anger, or frustration, and never stand up for one's self or another against disrespect, unfairness, or abuse.

Sign That You May Be Dealing WIth A Narcissist

A sign that you MIGHT be dealing with a person who has Narcissism in a personal relationship:

You feel like you have to coax them to pay attention to you, to notice positive things that you do, to remember important things about you, and to acknowledge what you do and say.

They seem oblivious to your actual ability, accomplishments, capability, and experience, but are always ready and willing to "correct" you or give you unsolicited, unasked for "advice".

They don't seem to WANT to remember your strengths and positive attributes; they don't acknowledge real things you DO or things you SAY.

They may even attribute "positive" things you do or say to OTHER PEOPLE, or to themselves! ~In order to maintain their "lesser status" image of you that they carry in their imagination.

They may also project negative traits or weaknesses onto you that have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, that you DON'T HAVE - again, in order to maintain their delusional "lesser status" image of you that they've created in their mind.

People who have Narcissism don't live in reality, they create their own, and "re-create" other people to fit into their created illusion. Because of this, they don't even try to learn real things about other people; not even those in their own family, or those that they're in romantic relationships with. They will only learn something "new" about someone (or about themselves) that's outside of their illusion when they absolutely have to in order to alleviate pain, fear, or discomfort, and often not even then.

Right Or Wrong And What's Important

Forget about who's right and who's wrong about minutia, technicalities, and morality. If they don't understand what's so important about how they treat others, then they're missing one of the main essential pieces in any and all topics of discussion on this planet. If they're missing that, then they're not going to be able to complete any puzzle they're presented with. They may think they've completed it when they've found some kind of resolution, or made something work, but they haven't, they've just made an incomplete model that will eventually fall apart or cause other problems. They're missing the most important piece: the reason the puzzle exists in the first place. That reason is the surface that's needed to construct the puzzle on.
Don't argue with them when they say 'One doesn't need a surface to construct a puzzle'; they're telling you that they don't understand what you're talking about, and probably never will.

Just Me A 'DONM' by Amanda Seal

Just me a 'DONM'
By Amanda Seal.

She's not in my life but still here in disguises,
Dressed in her 'narc' black cloak,
She creeps up behind me, when life tries to find me to tell me that I am a joke.

All those years I believed her,
Her cold words they cut deeper,
She engraved a vast space in my heart,
She lives there most days and slowly plays games till I shut myself off in the dark.

I'm a daughter, A DAUGHTER, a narcissists daughter! "Its all my own fault don't you know?!
I am crazy and angry and weird and I'm lazy,
Im useless, not worthy of love"
Thats called 'Gaslighting'
So cruel when your fighting
Just for your own mothers love.

..AND Her screaming silence,
Was worse than pure violence,
Which would happen most days, thats alot.
And these emotions berate me,
They come back just to break me,
and tell me I'm something I'm not.

So I MUST be stronger,
Im a lady, a soldier,
To be distant,
use my gift and pray,

.... Amanda I love you,
There's no one above you,
Behold this creation you've made.

Amanda Seal by Amanda Seal

Controllers Look For Social Signals

Controllers, especially those with Narcissism, are looking for social signals from others. They look for body language, facial expressions, speech patterns, tones, and actual words that convey messages such as:

"I believe what you say",
"I think you're wonderful",
"I look up to you",
"I can't wait to follow your lead",
"I see you as an Expert, as extremely experienced"
"I see you as very strong, stronger than me"
"You intimidate me"
"I admire you"

(The classic Narcissist's favorite social signals look or sound something like):
"I am awed by your: star-quality...talent...beauty...skill...physique...knowledge...wisdom...saintliness...abilities... goodness...leadership...etc"

There are levels to this. They may say or do things to see how a person will react if they don't show the signals right away.
Once they see the first signals, they look for more and more as time goes by, such as:

"I will willingly follow and believe you without question or doubt"
"I value your opinion, your wants and needs ABOVE MY OWN"
"I accept you as my superior, and I see myself as your inferior"
"Please LET ME BE SUPPORTIVE OF YOU...you don't have to be supportive of me in return, or treat me with genuine respect"
"I don't have any expectations of you, but I don't mind that you have many expectations and rules for me"

and also, a person's apparent 'values' and beliefs:
"I think being a GOOD PERSON is to serve others before caring for my own health and well being"
"I think it's BAD to think of one's own needs and goals"
"I think being a GOOD person is making up excuses for other people's actions, 'sticking up for them' at ALL TIMES regardless of what they did, and helping them to cover up all of their mistakes, including abusing other people and committing crimes."

When a person does NOT give these types of submissive or admiring social signals from the start, a Controller may feel like the person is not worth targeting, so they don't keep expending effort or energy. They may try to diminish the person with direct insults, or with obvious ignoring and impolite, uncivil behaviors. They may "drop" the person, reject the person, and often try to ostracize them from any mutual business or social circles.

When a Controller had their sights set on a specific person, but the person is not showing the "correct" submissive or admiring social signals, many Controllers may feel challenged and try HARDER.
They may also have a reaction of despisement toward the targeted person, and try to dominate them as if the person is an ENEMY who did something terrible to them.

IMPORTANT TO NOTE: A person can SHOW these apparent signals without actually MEANING "submission" or "admiration". Controllers and Narcissists OFTEN MISTAKE courtesy, friendliness, politeness, kindness, and encouragement for submissiveness or adulation, because they're hoping for it.
They also often misinterpret simple cultural and regional body language patterns, speech patterns, and facial expressions.
ALSO, many Controllers and Narcissists have serious problems with assumption, so they will assume that a person is automatically expressing submissiveness, or even admiration toward them, just because of the way the person happens to physically LOOK.

For a Narcissist, not getting the social signals they want from another person DOES feel like they've been "humiliated" or even "attacked". They behave defensively toward people who don't seem to recognize their "higher status", as if not treating them like Authority, Royalty, a Martyr, the Messiah, the Ultimate Expert or a Star is the same as treating them like a "servant", a "serf" or a "peasant".

This behavior can be found in normally developing children and youths. When there's a lack of mature guidance, when there's a chaotic atmosphere (can be caused by any external source including media, school, and community), or when there's an adult who's encouraging this behavior, even in an otherwise healthy atmosphere and family, young people can and do get stuck in this stage, especially since it feels like "power" and "mastery". They can and do get stuck, and they can bring it into their adulthood without growing out of it.

Controlling Others With Language Habits

Controllers don't need to consciously plan out what they're going to do or say in order to establish or re-establish control over another person. They have behavioral habits that become second-nature.

Such as: When a Target brings up a topic, Controllers nearly always divert the conversation away from that topic, no matter what it is.

So if Jim says "Did you see those fire engines out front earlier?" Steve, the Controller, might reply "You should have seen the accident on I-95 yesterday! There was like 5 police cars and..."
Instead of staying on the topic that Jim brought up, Steve simply changes it to HIS topic.

Another tactic is invalidation. So if Jim says "Did you see those fire engines..?" Steve the Controller might say, "What fire engines? I didn't see any, I was here all day. If there was anything major going on we would have heard about it, anyway."

Another one is invalidation with INSULT, so Steve's reply might sound like "What fire engines? I didn't see any. Don't get your panties in a knot. You should have seen the accident on the highway, that was serious..."

Insulting a Target in front of others humiliates the Target, but that's not the primary goal. The real goal is for the Controller to appear to OTHERS as "more powerful" and "higher status" than the Target.
(Same goal as Chimpanzee power/status displays.)

Humans use language as an added tactic to Chimpanzee 'power' displays; successfully humiliating a Target means that the display has worked, especially if others laugh or scoff. Language displays are often used by those who feel insecure in their 'status position' in their social hierarchy. Making fun of people, insulting them, and calling them names either to their face or behind their backs are a substitute for physical displays.

That's why if YOU stand up for the person who's being insulted or trashed, YOU GET TURNED ON by the insulter (and by other equally primitive/immature onlookers), because you're "challenging" the status display, and you're 'wrecking' the intended outcome.

Narcissist Or Non-Narcissist

Narcissists are happy when they get what they want and when they feel like they're in control, regardless of how others around them are feeling, even if they were the cause of another's distress; often, they feel happy BECAUSE they caused another distress, and therefore feel "superior" or "vindicated". Non-narcissists don't desire control over others, and are not happy when those around them are feeling badly; especially those close to them, and especially if they were the cause of it, whether it was intended or completely unintended.

Narcissists are much more concerned about defending themselves and deflecting blame than they are about another person's welfare; non-narcissists are much more concerned about another person's welfare than "who's to blame".

Narcissists will attack another person when they feel any hint of challenge, embarrassment, or criticism, and feel perfectly entitled and justified in their aggression and hostility toward another human being- they feel justified in "using a cannon to swat a mosquito" and will not stop defending their actions. Non-narcissists will only "attack" in defense, and only after they've been put under enough duress that they've lost their tolerance, or they feel literally threatened, and they'll feel remorse for losing their temper in most cases (not all) regardless of the events that took place.
In other words, a Narcissist will feel perfectly justified in verbally and emotionally attacking a person who didn't agree with them about something big OR small; they don't seem to realize that verbal and emotional attacks are simply wrong, period, no matter what, no matter the situation, and no matter who's "right" or "wrong". A non-narcissist, however, will usually feel remorse for losing their temper and attacking someone even when the person did or said something terrible to them.

Narcissists try to justify everything they do with excuses about what other people do or say. They don't feel remorse or guilt, they feel entitlement, vindication, and justification. Non-narcissists simply don't do that (usually); they know they're responsible for their own actions no matter what other people do or say. When they do slip up and try to justify wrong or mean actions, they feel remorse for THAT, and try to make amends.

Narcissists are concerned about being right, being in control, feeling vindicated, and feeling dominant, regardless of other people's welfare, well-being, and feelings.
Non-narcissists are more concerned about the welfare, well-being, and feelings of others (and themselves) than being "right" or "wrong", who's the boss, whether anyone gets to be in charge, defending themselves, or "vindication".

Obsession With Dominance

Those who have dominance issues often target the same people, whether they're male or female.
Dominance issues and behaviors are very common in humans. They're used for social ranking, for control of situations and outcomes, and for control over other individuals.

If a person's displays of dominance are convincing enough, others around them will buy into it and give them higher social status, allowing them to be a "Leader", regardless of their actual experience, knowledge, or ability.
Having "dominance issues" is more like having a need to feel dominant, which translates to both a compulsion to be dominant over others (specific individuals or animals), and to avoid feeling submissive or subordinate, especially to those whom one seeks to feel dominant over.

Many humans, both male and female, for example, feel an entitlement of domination (control and superiority) toward any person smaller than they are, and also toward most (or all) females.
Even if they will willingly FOLLOW the lead of certain people, they feel entitled to automatically be the Leader toward other certain people, at all times, and regardless of the situation.

Entitlement to Dominance toward another person means entitlement to NEVER "have to" do anything that implies equal cooperation, respect, following, consideration, or assisting them without being 'in charge'.
Entitlement to Dominance over another person means they feel that they NEVER "have to" listen to them, cooperate with them, or do anything they say or ask, and that choosing to do that is going far out of their way, as if it's an imposition.
Also, that the other person is somehow innately bound to allow them to Lead, to be the Dominant one, and to always be seen as "right" in any situation, no matter what is happening.

If a person who feels entitled to Domination over another person is not being given full "cooperation" (subordination) by the other person, they will quite often experience rage. The actual situation, and "who's right" or "who's wrong" is almost always given as an excuse for the meltdown, but the real reason is simply that they felt CHALLENGED by an apparent "subordinate".

It occurs often that a person who has dominance issues does not display any signs of it with another person for a long time, often because the person has not actually done anything to "challenge" their "authority" (dominance). A meltdown can seem to occur out of the blue, but really, it just hadn't come up yet. There was nothing that felt like a challenge, nothing that felt like they were not being obeyed, or allowed to lead, or allowed to be "right".

It's common for those who have dominance issues to also stack others into hierarchy positions. So they will put one person "over" another person in this hierarchy; for example they may put their own father "over" their mother, or their mother "over" their spouse, or one friend "over" another friend, etc.  Whoever they "follow", they expect others to "follow" also, in a subordinate manner.

A flag for this is the level of anger or upset a person shows when they feel "challenged" in any way. Are they slightly disappointed or frustrated, or are they actually mad, angry, extremely upset, or in a rage? Do they reject or rage at some people who don't agree with them, or who don't allow them to always be the leader? Do they seem to hate those or wish harm on those who "challenge" them?
What is the level of their reaction to not being allowed to always lead, or to be right?
How do they react to someone else being a Leader, either in formal situations, or even in conversation ~ especially when the person is smaller, or is female, or is of a different ancestry, or is a romantic partner?

Those with Dominance entitlement or compulsion will have no problem trying to publicly humiliate, raging at, or rejecting a person who refuses to allow them to dominate them; even a person who simply seeks an equanimous relationship, regardless of what the relationship is. They don't want a cooperative, equal relationship, they want entitlement to dominance over the other person; they want the other person to be their subordinate.

Since it's an internal issue, not a consciously planned action, they will do it in a business setting as well as social situations, and in personal relationships.

Dominance issues can of course be worked on, but the person would have to actually want to do it. Most people who have them mistake it for confidence and leadership, so they think it's an asset. They may fear that without it, they'll lose their leadership abilities, which of course is not true, but they don't know that.
Many others believe that they deserve to feel that way (dominant) because they believe they're "right", or that they're actually superior.

The Nail That Sticks Up Gets Hammered With Status-Quo

The "Status Quo" of any culture is maintained by controllers, so those who don't fit in are targeted. This can be seen in most  human cultures, smaller communities, groups, and families.
It is Controllers who lead the "hammering down" of the "nail that sticks out", it's not something that "just happens".

First, children who are seen behaving outside of the very small window of compliance are usually targeted with facial expressions and intonations from adults around them. Approval and disapproval tones, expressions and words are used to teach and guide infants in a genuine way, about right and wrong, safe or unsafe, and polite or impolite. But the same tones, expressions, and words are used to "correct" and "guide" babies and young children to comply with stereotypes, and conditioned submission to social control signals. In other words, a little girl may be subtly admonished for trying to walk all the way across the room and grab a toy from the table, but a little boy may be smiled at and given obvious approval for the exact same action. A little boy who puts on a hat at the store may be subtly scolded or given disapproval expressions, but a little girl who does the same thing may be smiled at and encouraged.

Then, they are conditioned using control tactics such as taking toy trucks and tools away from little girls and giving them to little boys, trying to provoke little boys to behave in a more aggressive or hyper way, or making little girls wear certain clothing that's obviously uncomfortable or they don't like, that boys are not made to wear.

These early attempts at conditioning are not done across the board, not all parents do these things. So as children get older, those who were not conditioned in this way at home, OR if they were, it didn't "take", are then targeted by those in the larger group. They are often singled out with small acts of shaming, such as making fun of a little boy who plays with dolls, or who is good at creative expression.

Then they'll directly admonish a child for displaying feelings or motivations that don't align with the "culture", such as showing care and empathy for animals, or not acting mean or dominant toward smaller children, or children of the other sex or other races.

As children get older, the acts of bullying, shame, and rejection grow more and more severe toward those who don't "fit in" with stereotypes, and who don't comply with the local Controllers' illusions of social hierarchy. Those who stand up for others against bullying, unfairness, and injustice are always targeted, especially if they don't have a larger group backing them up. Those who do anything outside of their "gender role" box are usually targeted (girls who aren't afraid of snakes, boys who don't care about sports, for example).
~~~Those who DO NOT respond with SUBMISSIVE social signaling to those who seek dominance and control are almost always targeted. They don't have to "REBEL" to get targeted, they just have to NOT SEEM TO NOTICE that a Controller is apparently "Very important", "Large and In Charge".
(If a person is not recognizing a Controller's "authority", then the person is a threat, because they aren't intimidated.)

Children who don't comply with the Controllers in a group (both adult and child Controllers) will be treated with increasingly aggressive and manipulative forms of bullying and sabotage as they grow. The older and larger a child grows, the less empathy and sympathy from others is seen, which means the less protected from bullying and manipulation the child will be in the culture or group.

This occurs in every human culture, however the less generally mature a group is, the more it occurs, and with more severity. Hence cultures that are rife with barbaric practices surviving intact, generation after generation, with little or no change, and cultures who pretend to be "equal" but desperately avoid talking about the reality of their status quo and their real-life behaviors are quite the opposite of "equal". 

"The nail that sticks out is hammered down."
(Japanese proverb).
This "hammering" starts in a child's first year of life, it doesn't start in adolescence. It starts with light tapping, and grows more and more violent over time. 

The WINDOW of compliance to the "Status Quo" in a given human culture or sub-group is usually VERY SMALL, as can be seen by those who live outside of a culture or group; how they dress, talk, walk, carry themselves, the way they treat one another, and what they seem to believe. However, most who live INSIDE of a culture or group seem unaware of their own conformity to one another, or to their behavior toward others in the group.

When a person can't be made to comply with the cultural Status quo, with the standing 'hierarchy', and the behaviors and the stereotypes, they are typically REJECTED from the group. People will do all kinds of things to cut the person off from social groups, social interactions, social connections, and from business connections as well. Controllers LEAD this rejection behavior, and others follow along because they're more concerned about being accepted by the group than the rejected individual's well-being.

It's NOT about the person's real character, or their "right or wrong" actions. It's about the fact that they aren't complying with those in the group who want to be in charge of the group. Gender roles and racial stereotypes are all about keeping control over others, and rejecting people for non-compliance to these roles and stereotypes, regardless of their character as a human being and how they treat others, is PROOF of that.

The fact is, in most cultures, the adult that gets "hammered down" has probably been getting "hammered" since they were very young. Many don't realize what's going on, because Controllers consistently blame the person who doesn't fit in for the ill behavior of others toward them. Many buy into the bullying and shaming tactics, believing that they're just "too weird" or "too different" for others to like them, and end up suffering from lowered self-esteem, even depression.
Character is about behavior and integrity, how we treat others and how we conduct ourselves in regard to real values, not about conformity to stereotypes and roles, or complying with someone's desire for grandeur and control. Those who treat others poorly because they don't "fit in" and conform to a stereotype expectation, or because they don't go along with all of the opinions and preferences of the group, are displaying poor character, not high moral character.

Some Signs Of Emotional Illness

Some signs of emotional or mental illness in an adult, unspecified, mild to severe
(may include effects of trauma)
*** all emotional and mental illnesses are treatable and improvable, the brain has "neuroplasticity" :


"Numbness"; feeling unattached to one's emotions.


Having an apparent lack/absence of emotions.

Living through and inside of one's emotions, moods, and reactions.

Using substances frequently to try to stimulate or suppress emotions and moods.

Always being in some kind of intense "mood".
(Not simply appearing to be in a mood, but actually being IN one, regardless of the way others are treating them, and regardless of situations and events, current, past, and future.)

Unable to NAME one's own moods or emotions.

Always seem to be emotionally invested in who and what is "right", even if the topic is completely neutral (like which kind of nail would be best for a job, or what kind of spice to use for a recipe, or whether Pluto is a planet or not).
 
Feeling justified and entitled to control others.

Rarely or never in a neutral state of mind or emotion.
 
Having an emotionally charged opinion about literally everything and everyone, not just about topics they're passionate about or personally involved in.

All of their actions feel justified because that's "how they FELT at the time"; they behave according to their emotions and moods, not according to objective values, integrity, ethics, or principals.Incapable of objectivity; everything and every person is either "right" or "wrong", and either "good" or "bad".

"Taking sides" in any and every discussion, theory, plan, disagreement, or conflict, whether they're personally involved or not.

Creating "sides" and "factions" where none were present in any discussion or group that they're in, so they can be on the "good" or "right" side. 


Reacting with volatility to any person who doesn't align and agree with their opinions and emotions.

Reacting with hostility, even aggression, toward any person whom they envy or feel threatened by for any reason.

Always talking about how they deserve to be rewarded for how much work they do.

Frequently talking about how much they suffer from stress, but refusing to do anything constructive about it, change anything about themselves, or seek outside help to improve their own habits and thinking.

Frequently judging others negatively, seeking ways to put others down, trying to cast shame on others.

Trying to convince others to reject or turn against people in their own family, community, or associate groups with gossip, rumors, and implications.
(There are no real witnesses, documents, or other proof to accusations. There may be witnesses to emotional reactions such as crying or anger, but not to the actual events that are being spread around. Usually because they didn't happen; in fact, usually, gossip and rumors are attempts to deflect real things that the gossiper has done, especially if they know proof exists.)

Reacting with volatility and opposition to nearly any topic about human behavior or psychology, or trying to shut it down.

Feeling abandoned, neglected, and abused when someone else is busy doing anything, or paying attention to someone else.

Feeling justified and entitled to all behaviors, including retaliation and "vengeance", even for very trivial "slights" or "crimes", and even for NON EXISTENT ones (things that never happened, or were NOT "wrong").

Finding or MAKING UP excuses for retaliation because they get a charge, a "high" from it.

Frequently accusing others of being emotional and dramatic for any emotional expression, especially anger at them for something they did.

Often trying to provoke or control emotions, moods, and emotional reactions in others.

Feeling anger when another person seems to be unaffected by their provocation and control tactics.

Believing that all of one's opinions, perceptions, assumptions, judgments, and emotions are correct, and represent objective reality. Little to no self-doubt, speculation, or suspended belief.

Hate Women Hate Men

Do you hate women?   Do you hate men?     

Why?

Not the simple, easy, surface excuses, but what exactly was it that happened in your life, to you, personally, that led you to this intensely emotional reaction?

When we remove the factor of gender (and race) from people's behavior, it becomes clear that manipulation, immaturity, arrogance and abusiveness can be seen in both sexes and all races. We tend to try to group people by physical traits like ancestry, race, sex, and wealth when we feel anger or hatred, AND when we feel admiration and want someone to follow. But the FACT is that any way you group humans this way, you'll find both ends of the spectrum: incredible immaturity on one end, and beautiful wisdom on the other.

It's harder to see wisdom, because it's usually drowned out by the noise of the ignorant and pompous, even when it's trying to shout to be heard. The immature always try to out-shout and shut down those who care about others and about the world we live in.

So it may seem like a whole group of people is ignorant, manipulative, arrogant or mean, but that's because the noisy immature are always out in front, they're the ones who are seen and heard the most because they're always trying to dominate others.

Stop grouping people by PHYSICAL traits, and start looking at their actual behaviors, regardless of their sex and race. And regardless if you like them already or not. There's need for self-protection in our world, but hate just makes us ignorant. 

Fantasy Land: Most Narcissists Can't SEE YOU

Remember, a person who has Narcissism can't actually SEE you. They see and hear a made-up version of you, like a cartoon or a doll, or maybe a comic book character.
That's why they don't give you feedback that matches what you're saying or doing; they are not actually living in the same "world" that you're living in. They're living in a world that they've created, and you are a character in that world.

Your character can't ever have the LEAD ROLE, because THEY have the Lead Role in all scenes, even the ones they're not IN.
Your character is based on their imagination and how they want your character to FIT INTO THEIR WORLD, not on anything real about YOU. 

They don't treat you like a real person because to a Narcissist, you're not. They are the one who "wrote" who and what you are! They don't need to FIND OUT anything about you...

They don't treat you with "respect" or CARE because you're not a "real person" (to them). More like a doll, like a GI JOE or a Barbie, or a TV character (pick a Brady Bunch character, or Little House on the Prairie...  Bonanza... CSI... ER... or maybe General Hospital), or a character stereotype they like to talk about with their BUDDIES... or maybe you can be a pet, like a goldfish or a hamster. Whatever or whoever you kind of look like, whatever they can MATCH your appearance to is apparently who and what you ARE, and they will treat you according the character they've made of you FOREVER.

This is a COGNITION PROBLEM.
Narcissists typically can't discern their imagination from reality.

(Except for sociopaths who can, but don't care.)

Ever notice how Narcissists don't seem to remember much detail about you?
They keep treating you like you DON'T KNOW certain things, DON'T UNDERSTAND certain things, CAN'T DO certain things, or AREN'T CAPABLE of certain things?
Or keep treating you like your feelings, experiences, motives, and behaviors are completely different from what they really are?
>>>Because they don't CARE ABOUT details or FACTS about you. Not real ones anyway. 

Simple Truth About Rejection By A Narcissist

Narcissists don't reject people because they actually did something wrong, like attack someone, slander someone, steal, lie, sabotage, endanger children, or be mean.

They reject people because the person didn't agree with them, comply with their demands, stroke their ego, let them be the superior one, give them what they want, or because they didn't fit in with their clique.

It's important to be aware of Narcissism because those who have it aren't trustworthy, and tend to manipulate and abuse. They are quick to envy and have a lack of empathy for others; they tend to lack a moral compass, and will hurt others to get what they want. They tend to sabotage others who they envy, they tend to use threats, to bully, gossip, lie, avoid responsibility, cheat, steal, con, and they tend to enjoy humiliating others and trying to destroy their reputations. Narcissists can't stand to help others, except in cases where they see a reward in it for themselves. They will do things that others would never think of doing in order to get something they want, to be in control of a situation, another person, or another person's possessions, and to maintain a certain image.

Envying Others For Their "Happy Lives"

Narcissists who are driven by envy (not all of them are, some are driven only by supply) will often target those who appear to them to have caring families and support from friends or community.

Since Narcissists don't care about actual reality, they will make sweeping assumptions regarding another person's support network based on very little superficial information.

For example, if they think a person is physically attractive, they'll often assume that everyone supports and favors the person.
If the person has some kind of academic or business success, they'll often assume likewise, that the person's achievements were only possible because of support or favoritism from others.
Displays of talent or skill also may incite them to envy for the same reasons; they assume that a musician who plays on stage is adored by everyone, or that an artist is treated like royalty, or that a scientist or high achieving student is given special privilege.

People who appear HAPPY, relaxed, confident, and optimistic are often assumed by enviers to have easy and privileged lives.

WEIRDLY, this can and often does happen WITHIN a small community, classroom, family, and even in the same household.

Envy is not just about the actual THING that an envier is focused on. It's also about what they think that thing IMPLIES (in their minds).


.

Stereotyping And Misinterpreting Emotional Expressions

People who have injured or weakened identity issues, or who have been purposely taught stereotypes as if they're real, often DISMISS, misinterpret, and refuse to recognize certain emotions and expressions in others, due to the person's sex, coloring, size, or overall appearance.

For example, they will often misinterpret any non-joyous emotional expression coming from a MAN as "anger" or "rage".
A man could be crying, soaked in tears, quite obviously sad, hurt, or consumed by grief, and the person will interpret his demeanor, expression, and even tears as "RAGE" or "anger".
When men express FEAR, it's also often completely misinterpreted as "anger" or "rage".

~This can be difficult for a person who doesn't have this issue to understand, but it's real; it has to do with editing reality to make it fit inside of one's comfort and expectation zone.

Likewise, many will entirely refuse to acknowledge that a woman is expressing anger. THEY can't handle women being angry, so they just pretend that the woman's expression is something ELSE.
They'll often misinterpret a woman's or girl's anger as fear, sadness, anxiety, "instability", CHASTISEMENT, or aggression.

Fear is also often misinterpreted as anger, "grumpiness", or arrogance.

This can be incredibly frustrating when one is trying to express something. Being completely misinterpreted because of another person's stereotype issues means that communication with this person is not possible. They will simply misinterpret everything you say. They'll keep treating you according to their stereotype of what you look like to them, not what you're actually SAYING.

People with this issue will often misinterpret emotional expressions, or even straight speech, from those of a different race, ancestry, or even coloring, as well as sex and age.
They have a FIXED EXPECTATION in their head of what the other person is going to say, how they feel, what their motives are, and what they're going to mean when they speak.
They don't have the ability to objectively or accurately interpret the other person's expression or speech.

They will even REFUSE TO RECOGNIZE HUMOR coming from certain people who don't fit the stereotype in their head of "who is funny".

They will refuse to recognize or acknowledge all kinds of things about other people because something doesn't FIT the stereotype in their head of the way the person LOOKS: their sex, their age, their ancestry, their weight, their size, their facial features, etc.

(Pro comedians know all about it, so do advertising pros, and so do Politicians).

Pulling Rank: Narcissism, Or Human?

Humans tend to try to make others "smaller".
Narcissists do this to a severe degree.
Most people want most OTHER people to be either on the same "status level" as themselves, or "lower status" than themselves.

The exception to this is when they've declared an individual, in their minds, as "higher status".

Using school as a metaphor, everyone is either like another kid in a classroom, a fellow classmate with similar social rank,  OR they're elected to be higher status than the majority of the group like a "teacher", or a "coach", or a "principal".

(Humans in general do this, not all individual humans).

Some may remember that a lot of kids seemed extremely interested in the hierarchy of the faculty: who gets to tell who what to do,  who has to follow who's "orders", and who gets to "discipline" who.
They also seemed extremely interested in making sure that other classmates didn't GET or HAVE more of anything than they did: more stuff, nicer clothes, more privileges, more recognition for anything, or more credit for anything (even when they clearly deserved it).

One thing was for certain in most schools: if a fellow classmate got up in front of the class and started TEACHING the other kids in the absence of the Teacher, they would LAMBASTE that student.

It wouldn't matter if the kid was a bona fide EXPERT in the subject, and was trying to help the other kids with a subject they were struggling with and were about to take an exam on.
Those kids would rather FAIL THE EXAM then recognize their fellow classmate as some kind of "Teacher".

Now, many of those kids would have no problem CHEATING off of that kid's test, nor would they have a problem with that kid giving them a cheat sheet to use during the exam. They probably wouldn't even have a problem with that kid helping them study at home.

The reason they couldn't STAND for that kid to get up in front of the class and "teach" the subject is because they are in HIERARCHY, not in rational THOUGHT, or "consciousness". They will SACRIFICE the chance to learn the subject before they FAIL the test in order to keep that kid "in his place". Which is in their imaginations.

Now, if one of the kids who regularly acted like a thug-bully, OR was a school sports "star" got up and "taught" the class in the absence of the teacher, most of the kids would ALLOW IT, because they've already accepted/recognized this kid as some kind of "authority" among them.

The reason for this is the way the kid gets treated by ADULTS.
(That's why they don't just all get together and hold the bully kid down every time he/she starts treating someone like crap, the adults have given "signals" that this kid is ALLOWED to behave this way, and therefore has been given social ranking OVER the other kids.)

Hierarchy creation in humans usually obliterates rational thought, intelligent decision making, and genuine learning. And humans constantly try to create hierarchies.

There is a very big difference between positional hierarchy for decision making and action purposes, and SOCIAL hierarchy. BOTH are often found at the same time in business and government.
The first is real, and OBJECTIVE (ideally), and the second is made-up, and completely SUBJECTIVE.

A quick example: in a REAL hierarchy situation, a police officer is a civilian when she or he is at a family reunion; her/his relatives behave respectfully, to EVERYONE, and so does the officer.
~In a SOCIAL hierarchy, the police officer at the family reunion behaves like he/she is in charge of everyone, like he/she has innate authority over all the relatives, and many of the relatives ALLOW IT, even respond to it, treating him/her with favoritism and "extra respect".
HOWEVER, when the officer's cousin shows up who is TALLER, and ALSO a police officer, everyone defers to the taller cousin.
Now, both of the officers behave as if they have innate authority over their relatives, but the taller one gets to be the "LEADER".

Both Narcissists and non-narcissists will create and perpetuate Hierarchies, little ones and huge ones, but Narcissists REALLY do it.

Human beings tend to try to create "hierarchies" in whatever group they're in, small or large. Someone is going to get elected "leader", and others are going to try to be "assistants" to the "leader", then there's going to be the majority of people in the "middle", and then there's going to be people who others try to knock down to be "low man on the totem pole", everyone's footstool, sidekick, mascot, servant, waterboy, whipping boy, kid-sister or brother, etc. THEN, even lower than that (as decided by those who feel entitled to decide) will be those who are treated like "outcasts" from the group.

OUTCASTS are important to any group with a hierarchy, because there can't be an IN-CROWD unless there's an OUT-CROWD.
Outcasts are created in order to make the group seem REAL, and make the many insecure members of a group feel like they're really accepted.  

Narcissists EXPLOIT the tendency for humans to create and follow hierarchies.