Complain, Complain, Complain!

Complain, complain, complain!

When someone else is complaining about something, what's the best thing to do or say to them?

So...
is that what you would want them to do when you're complaining about something, whether it was trivial or very serious?

OH, right, sorry... YOU don't complain about anything, ever, right? Lol. Yeah, I forgot... only OTHER people (those whiny types) complain.

Anything YOU'RE talking about is VERY IMPORTANT, and very serious.
....right? Yeah, that's the ticket!

Moral High Ground Vs. Family And Friendship

A person who is using "moral high ground" in order to have an excuse to reject, abandon, abuse, dominate, or attack another person is, ironically, doing something that is immoral.

The Worlds Sucks, What Can I Do About It?

Yes, a huge number of humans are incredibly immature, stuck up, biased, and self-centered. No, there's nothing you can do about their issues, or the impact they have on others, and on the world in general. 
Except for a couple of real things.
You can double-check yourself, your motives, your biases, and your actions, and find ways and methods to make improvements wherever possible; and then you can be a beacon of hope, a model, and a mentor for others, especially young people, who are desperate for positive, self-respecting, fair-minded, non-sexist, non-bigoted, ethical adults to guide and protect them.

Healthy Parenting Vs. Unhealthy Parenting

It is absolutely not "normal" for a child to worry that he or she is going to be rejected, abandoned, invaded, insulted, stolen from, manipulated, backstabbed, exploited, triangulated against, or attacked emotionally, physically, or in any other way by a parent.

Parents who do these things have either mental illness or a personality disorder. They may have developed their illness from themselves being abused growing up, but that does not negate their responsibility as parents.

If they can't help it, because they're pathologically ill, and aren't going to be capable of recovery, then other adults around them who are not mentally ill are responsible for stepping in and helping to mentor and care for the child, with the same level of responsible parenting or balanced, healthy caregiving, not as a hero or a martyr.

In healthy families, cultures, and communities, helping others and helping with children (in a genuine way) is normal and expected. Since everyone simply does it naturally, the "burden" does not fall to only one or two people, so it's not a hardship.

(The difference between nine people pushing a stalled car with one person in it, steering, and one person pushing a car with nine people in it.
Or ten people keeping watch over a flock of sheep, taking brief shifts, sharing shifts, switching shifts, vs. one person keeping watch over the whole flock, all alone, 24/7, and then getting judged and criticized by the other nine when anything happens.)

In unhealthy groups, a mentally or emotionally ill parent is often lambasted and shamed (even if their illness is from trauma) by those with self-righteous complexes, and the child is ignored and left to deal with it by themselves, because the focus is really only on judging the parent, not on the well-being of the child. OR the child is "taken away" from the parent as a display of power and control, either by an individual or by the state, not to help either the parent or the child, just to have control.

Power Tripping Self-Righteousness (On Either The "Left" or The "Right")

Self-righteousness is the same, and for the same reasons, whether it's on the Left or the Right side of the aisle, or even outside the building.

A person with Self-righteousness likes it when he or she finds an excuse to feel offended, because it's an opportunity for a display of moral superiority, which translates to feeling control, belonging, innocence, and power.

It doesn't matter what the speech or action is that they're offended about, nor do they care if they interpreted the speech or action correctly.

If one observes, one will see that those who have Self-righteousness issues are not actually interested in the plights or problems of those around them. They are not interested in reviewing or hearing facts. They are not interested in hearing the points of view of others. They are not interested in calm and intelligent discussion, and sharing of information. They are not interested in respect toward others.

They are also not interested in improving or repairing relationships between themselves and others, or standing up for anyone who's not already in their clique, (or standing up for anyone at all), or hearing apologies, or apologizing themselves.

It's a feeling of vindication, moral superiority, moral high-ground, self-righteousness, and inclusion in a group they believe to be above others that they're after, regardless of facts, regardless of the situation, regardless of past and present, and regardless of the negative effects and consequences they have on others.

http://refulgentcoleman.blogspot.com/2014/06/power-tripping-self-righteousness-on.html

Imbalance Of Power In Culture

The more controlling and codependent a culture or community is, the more gender stereotypes, gender roles, assigned higher or lower status due to gender, and favoritism, elitism, inequity, and prejudice for or against each gender are present.

Strangely, it is not just the group that's favored that continues to reinforce these dysfunctions, but also members of the group that's discriminated against.

The reason for this is mainly the same as in racially imbalanced communities; Bullies who are members of the oppressed group can't bully those in the "favored" group, so they bully those in their own group instead, helping the oppression process.

Also, Controllers in the oppressed group often use the present imbalanced "hierarchy" for personal agendas and gain, either on a personal ("catty") level, or on a material level.

On top of that, those who are insecure, fearful, or resentful often project inferiority and weakness onto other members of their own group, contributing to the cultural false belief that the oppressed group is indeed inferior to the favored group.

Imbalanced power in a culture or community is usually either accomplished by extremely dysfunctional violent and threatening behavior by members of the group that seeks control over the other, or through passed on cultural fairy tales about who is capable of what, and who is not capable of it, and rationalizations about who is entitled to control and power.

Healthy, prosperous, long-lived, peaceful, happy, science-oriented and spiritually respectful cultures throughout history, wherever and whoever they were, have made it their priority to keep "power" balanced and fair for all members of the society, and to protect the freedom and well-being of every adult, and care for the well-being and mental and emotional growth of the children.

"Think not forever of yourselves, O Chiefs, nor of your own generation. Think of continuing generations of our families; think of our grandchildren and of those yet unborn, whose faces are coming from beneath the ground."
Dekanawida, Peacemaker, Founder Of The Iroquois Confederacy

Belief And Reality

Post by Reality Is Beautiful.

This is why we don't want to hear someone's point of view that's different from our own.
Why we want all dogs to be boys and all cats to be girls.
Why we want to keep living in biases that we grew up with.
Why we think we're right and those OTHER PEOPLE are wrong.
Why we think OUR TEAM is the BEST TEAM.
Why we want it to be TRUE that all boys and men are a certain way, that all of them can or can't do certain things.
Why we want it to be TRUE that all girls and women are a certain way, and that all of them can or can't do certain things.
Why we think we can't learn certain things because of our sex, our age, or our ancestry.
Why we argue with people when we don't know factual information.
Why we tend to know so little about the environment we live in, and are perfectly fine with that.
Why we think we know SO MUCH about other people, when we really barely know anything at all.

INFORMATION that does not align with our BELIEFS or EMOTIONS doesn't FEEL GOOD, so we avoid learning about it, and tend to turn away from it, or even pretend it doesn't EXIST.
We're humans, that's how we are, even those who work in fields such as science and journalism.

Branding

"Branding" is when a person or thing's image, appearance, and sound has been made to fit with your personal bias issues, and so you automatically like it, or listen to and believe the person, without actually knowing anything about it or them.

In this age of extreme BRANDING, people who are not famous, or who don't have a "brand" get ignored and dismissed by most people.

This goes for music, art, tv shows and restaurants as well as various products. Most people get it about CERTAIN things, but they tend not to get that they do it with human beings too, just as much if not MORE. (If your brother, sister, or friend says something it's probably silly, if the guy on TV says the same thing you take it seriously and believe that it's true, and give him the credit for "coming up with the brilliant idea and insight" ... same one that your sister or friend said last week.)

Doing What's Right Is Not About Reward Or Popularity

If you're doing "what's right" in the midst of those who regularly try to get out of doing the right thing, what do you expect? A parade?
They're going to at the least, dislike you, and at the worst, turn on you viciously. Those who stand up for others are not called "heroes" or "good" or "strong" when the majority of the crowd are the ones doing the bullying or manipulating, or corruption. They're called much worse, and often by those whom they trusted, who they had thought were friends.
That's why it's a "sacrifice" to stand up and keep doing the right thing, and why it takes so much strength.
It also takes a rather large amount of strength to keep checking one's motives and one's beliefs, and keeping an open mind, maintaining genuine humility; one is no longer doing "the right thing" if the motive is one's ego and stubbornness, or if it's to oppress or bully others.
Standing against the tide gets exhausting, and it never stops, and it never helps you to stand, it keeps trying to pull you under.
So you make a choice, either keep standing up, or give up and let them pull you under.
What you can do when it gets too exhausting is walk away and take a break.
But don't expect anyone who doesn't already get it to "come around' or "wake up", the tide is much too strong for most people.

Scapegoating Is The Purposeful Damaging Of A Human Being

"Scapegoating" usually begins during childhood. It's a process of methodical targeting of an individual that increases over time. An growing circle of people are encouraged to believe various negative things about a person, most of which is greatly exaggerated or completely made up. Others are encouraged to see the person in a negative light, often as  unstable, burdensome, self-centered, or aggressive. They are encouraged to treat the person poorly, and discouraged from treating them properly or giving them positive attention.

The target is nearly always a child whom a person has resentment, jealousy, or envy toward, or whom they feel guilt or shame for something they've done to them, or because they failed to protect them from someone else. Sometimes a scapegoat has been deemed a "burden" because they have chronic physical illness or disability, and sometimes it's because they're physically different in some way than the majority of the group, but neither of these are the actual reasons; the real motivation still lies in the emotional issues of others around the person.

When a new person comes into contact with the group, they are often immediately guided to believe negative things about the scapegoat, and they are usually blocked, especially at first, from getting to know the scapegoat directly, WITHOUT the influence of one of the controllers in the group, or the main controller, who makes themselves into a social "gateway" between the target person and everyone else.

New people are told in a sideways, innocent-sounding way that the person is someone not to be trusted, not to be believed, and not to be liked, not to be helped, and not to be respected, and not to be included, and this is done before others get a chance to form any kind of bond with the person, or form their own impression and opinion of the person. More distant friends and relatives are also told, and often encouraged to spread the negative beliefs about the person in their respective groups.

~~
It's a sinister, terrible, genuinely damaging thing to do to a person, especially a child, and yet it's not uncommon at all. It's done by people all the time, in families, community groups, religious groups, school, businesses, and "friendship" groups. Those who do it usually MINIMIZE IT drastically, and will deny causing any harm or damage, and then will often blame the targeted person for anything negative that's happened, ironically, apparently unaware that doing so reveals the scapegoating tactic.

Those who do it also often deny that it happens at all, or that it causes any "real damage". Since the goal of Scapegoating is to diminish a targeted human being in all ways, they will CONTINUE trying to do it when they're called out about doing it, often saying the target is "just crazy" or "oversensitive", or is really as "bad" as they said they were and therefore apparently deserve (?!) to be a Scapegoat/ bully target.
~~

Scapegoats are also usually blocked from participating in things that other children in the community are doing, and their friendships are often either sabotaged or taken over (the controlling person tries to get the friend to be closer to them than to the target.)

Scapegoats are often blocked from doing things to build their academic or work career, or projects may be directly sabotaged or stopped. The motive behind this is both an immediate "fix" feeling of control, which is the fuel for the effort, and preventing or stopping the scapegoat from achieving goals or making progress, which would build their reputation, success, and confidence, and also make them more attractive to others (in various ways). .

~~
Targets are often abused or neglected before the actual scapegoating occurs, which can be the catalyst for the targeting. It's a primitive reaction, but common; if the group destroys the credibility, reputation, and self-confidence of the victim, then the "problem" goes away, without anyone having to be accountable, and without the victim being given proper care or protection to recover (which would expose what was done to them, and also would take effort.)

When a favored person in the group was the abuser or neglector, the victim is usually scapegoated so the favored person is not held accountable. 

Only an adult person with tendencies toward control and insecurity instigates scapegoating, or allows children to do it. Those with certain mental illnesses may do it as well, often due to having very weak boundaries, or skewed perception, they may actually be misinterpreting things that the target does and says, and then "reports" these misinterpretations as complaints to others (who apparently don't check up on the reality of the situation, or who are also mentally ill so they happily believe these "reports".)

Adults can be scapegoated as well, however the damage to the person's life and wellness is usually more profound when it's done to a child since it's a direct attack on a person's sense of self, self-esteem, self-image, and feeling of belonging in the world.

~~

It's important to note that Scapegoating cannot occur in a emotionally and mentally healthy group. The high number of occurrences of it reveals a disturbing trend of mental unhealthiness in modern cultures. It's not surprising in regions that are obvious with oppressive and abusive behaviors toward certain members, but it's very common in so-called "free" and "wealthy" cultures as well, causing destruction of the culture person by person from the inside. 

 

Sexual Assault Against Boys And Men: Read About Human Issues Like This One WIth The Thinking Part Of The Brain

VERY TRUE.
VERY, VERY TRUE.
SICK that no one wants to do anything about it or talk about it in a real way.
The main reason behind the STIGMA for both girls and boys who are sexually assaulted (and adults as well) is because so many people want to protect the perpetrator.
WHY? Another messed up societal creepshow, aside from the fact that "bullies protect bullies", it's because of the way perpetrators get treated by others, horribly, and also because people will attack the entire family of a perpetrator as well.
If you didn't know it, you do now, even victims will protect perpetrators from the way people are in the society around them, and they know they're protecting themselves as well from the horror show when they stay silent.
SICK AIN"T IT! BLAME EVERYONE, because it's EVERYONE'S FAULT. .
If you've never seen it for yourself, you should keep your trap shut and your eyes and ears OPEN.
Either the victim gets DESTROYED by the people around them, OR the perpetrator gets DESTROYED.
BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT HUMANS DO NOT COMPREHEND THEIR OWN MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ISSUES, AND LOVE TO DENY THAT THEY HAVE ANY, they attack and destroy other people instead,
BOTH perpetrators and victims.
And that "destroy one or the other" crap includes A LOT of people who are supposed to be working in a protective, caregiving, humanitarian "professional" capacity.
Can't DO ANYTHING, or TALK ABOUT ANYTHING, without DESTROYING someone. (Apparently destroying another person indicates righteousness in those doing the destroying....? ...? Pretty sick all by itself.)
Those who molest children have a mental illness, period. There's nothing to argue about. So OBVIOUSLY they need treatment. Apparently this is WAY TOO HARD for most people to understand, but they want all the OTHER emotional and mental issues that result in SERIOUS HARM TO OTHERS to be "OKAY", no one should EVER TALK ABOUT how much DAMAGE those OTHER little sick behaviors cause, like doing illegal drugs with your buddies when there are children in the home. (OH we would never do that....!!!!) (OH we do it in the basement, he's upstairs asleep! That' makes it all okay, there are no consequences whatsoever to the child!)
Or how about just straight up ABUSE?! That's apparently not HORRIFIC because it's not sexual???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

HOW did humans even survive for this many millennia?!?

SO MANY PEOPLE blame the VICTIM, and then SCAPEGOAT VICTIMS, and BULLY VICTIMS, because no one wants to be BLAMED for not protecting them and not caring for them... SORRY there's NO MORE TOLERANCE for hearing any more B.S. about how "OH SO HORRIFIED" people are at perpetrators. SORRY NOT BUYING IT, B.S ALERT!!

So go rescue some victims off the street, the ones who are only there because of what happened to them if you're so OFFENDED! Sure you are.
Or how about NOT TREATING VICTIMS LIKE THEY'RE CRAZY OR STUPID IN YOUR OWN COMMUNITY OR FAMILY!
OR PRACTICE! OR CLASSROOM!
Ohhhhh... that never occurred to me, boss!!!


(And don't even go there if you're one of the ADDICTS on the internet who just HAS TO FLIP OUT even though they don't know what they're talking about, because it SEEMS LIKE an OPPORTUNITY TO BE HISTRIONIC OR PSYCHO OR MEAN, or if you're thinking of doing that asinine "I'm OFFENDED" thing about this one because your ego feels snapped. You might want to GO BACK AND READ IT AGAIN with the comprehension side of your brain.)

Red Flag: Including Themselves, But Excluding You

Flag for Narcissism, or Narcissistic leanings:
Including themselves with anyone whom you're connected with, but excluding you from their own "connections". Including family.
They make sure to be connected with those who are your friends or relatives. They include themselves as part of your "WE" and "US" with nearly anyone whom you are affiliated with, especially with anyone they LIKE or admire, are attracted to, or see as "important".
But they exclude you from THEIR personal connections.
This is related to codependency.
The person will reveal this both in language and action.
They will refer to others as people they are exclusively connected to, such as "my friend Diane", even if you have known Diane for fifteen years.
They will refer to relatives as "my brother Steve" even if Steve is your uncle.
(It won't be "Uncle Steve", or "Steve", or "Your Uncle Steve", it will be "MY brother, Steve".)
Some will even refer to their children as "my daughter Susan" or "my son John" while talking to ANOTHER one of their children. This is especially disturbing when the child they are speaking TO is a stepchild or an adopted child.
They will often invite only certain relatives to family functions or even big gatherings, but exclude others, JUST to try to control and influence who is included in "the group" and who isn't. Controllers will often do this to try to CREATE a certain Clique-version of the family that only includes certain members, exactly like clique-making children in school.
NOT because someone often acts out and makes a scene at gatherings, NOT because someone has done something heinous, and NOT because someone has repeatedly done and said hurtful things to them, but JUST to be in control.
(Self-righteous pontificating and rationalizing can often be heard in "defense" of this behavior.)
~In fact, they are MUCH more likely to exclude people who THEY have done mean, cruel, or manipulative things TO, and very often those who have been scapegoated by the family.
(In other words, the abusive relative will often get invited and included but not the child they neglected or abused. Just like bullies and cliques in school. And just like a true bully/Narcissist, the abusive relative will NOT question why the child was not included, nor stand up for the child, or whoever the person was who was obviously excluded; their partner or other relative. Narcissistic people LIKE IT when they get included but someone who they're associated with gets excluded, or disrespected.)
~
Facebook is a prime place for this behavior to show. They will "friend" friends (or relatives) of yours whom they have perhaps met once, or never met at all, which is not all by itself weird, it's common on FB.
But the OTHER side of this coin is what makes it Narcissistic, they act like it's weird when you friend THEIR friends or relatives. They could friend 20 people from your friends list in a row, but when you friend someone from their friends' list, they might say something like "How do you know so and so?"
Narcissistic people, especially if they have codependency or enmeshment issues, tend to want to be the "HUB" of relationships between people they know, so they can keep an eye on them, control them, and orchestrate them, and so they'll always be connected and never get left out, kicked out, scapegated, or bad-mouthed behind their backs.
(Since THEY do all those things to others (and usually so do many of their "friends"), they are always making sure they aren't a victim of the same maltreatment.)
Also, if you do try to friend some of their friends, you might find that they have a lot of "friends" who are also Narcissistic, so they won't accept your friend request, even if they know you are their spouse, child, or close friend.
This is also a flag for infidelity. If your partner has several friends of the opposite sex who seem to be cold-shouldering you, (or the same sex for homosexual couples obviously), then you have to wonder what that's all about.
REAL friends, and healthy family members (excluding kids) don't cold-shoulder a partner or spouse of their friend or family member, OR someone's child, or a child in their family, unless there's a very real reason for it, and that isn't based on rumors or hearsay. Whether it's in real life or on Facebook. Especially if there is no negative history with the person.
This behavior is evidence of many things, and it could be just that the person doing the cold-shouldering is mentally ill or is a drug-user.
But it's more often due to slander and rumor-spreading, or infidelity.
Either someone has been smearing the spouse, partner, or child's reputation, and there are a lot of gossip-believers and drama-mongers in the group, or the partner or spouse is cheating, so of course those he or she is cheating with, or flirting with, won't want to "friend" their partner, child, or close friend.
It can ALSO be in many cases, that those "friends" are very immature and they themselves want to "OWN" the person, they may have codependency/control issues themselves, or they may have a crush on the person, or are stalking them, so of course they would not want to include the person's partner, child, or close friend in anything.
The latter is very common in the entertainment business, whatever the genre. Groupies don't want their crush to have a partner at all, (remember being 11 or 12ish and having a crush on some music star? He or she was not supposed to have a spouse or partner, by gosh! You were the "one"! Lol) never mind want to include or acknowledge the partner. And those groupies CAN EASILY be real-life friends of the person that they've known for a long time. They're still 12.

Judgmental, Critical, Superior Attitudes Are Usually Learned

Frequently implying that something has been done that's "wrong" or "shameful" or that someone should be "ashamed of" can be a conscious control tactic, done completely on purpose.

(Whooooo left the hall light on.... Whyyyyyy is there no milk... Wheeeerrree were you... Whaaaatttt are you doing.....Whyyyy are you doing that...) 

But it's more likely to be a learned behavior from childhood.
Children who may have maturation issues, developmental delay issues, possibly from a dysfunctional or abusive environment, may be more likely to more closely mimic behaviors of specific adults or older children around them, in an attempt to fit in with the group and develop an identity that the group will accept.

So little Shauna mimics Aunt Sarah's judgmental attitude, pointing out "flaws" and "mistakes" and "failings" in others, projecting motives and negative traits onto them, because she's literally just trying to be like her. Shauna, being a child, thinks Aunt Sarah is an important person in the group, because Aunt Sarah presents herself that way, being "above" others. And since Aunt Sarah pays attention to Shauna, she admires her and tries to be like her.

So when Shauna grows up, one of her main role models was Aunt Sarah, and she continues to act that way with little or no concept that there's anything "wrong" with it. She has been positively reinforced that the behavior is effective, because she seems to be able to get what she needs and get things done, and it makes her feel important (like Aunt Sarah). Other people seem to respond to it by doing what Shauna wants them to do, and that looks a lot like importance as well.

 So without much guidance AWAY from that behavior by other adults, (possibly because no one else was paying attention to her), Shauna doesn't even really grasp that the behavior is controlling or negative, she just thinks it's being "a grown up who gets things done" or "who is important", and "who knows what she's talking about". Like Aunt Sarah.

Shauna's sister Jody, on the other hand, also picked up this behavior, but not from so much admiration toward Aunt Sarah. She picked it up inadvertently as part of the group dynamic, the behaviors that are accepted and allowed by the group, that several members do in varying degrees. Jody does not approve of Aunt Sarah's or Shauna's attitude or behavior, and she's unaware that she's picked it up too, to a lesser degree.

Everyone compares themselves to one another in order to judge their own behavior and attitudes, so compared to Aunt Sarah, Shauna is "nice". Compared to Aunt Sarah and Shauna, Jody is a "saint". But if one goes far outside their system (like to another region), they all seem like very controlling ,very nasty people, it's hard to tell one from the other.

However to those within the system, in the region or group, Jody is "sweet as pie", Shauna is "responsible" and a "go getter", and Aunt Sarah is a "pillar of the community" to some (and a mean gossip to others).

Luke, Shauna's brother, does the same thing with their Grandfather, Grandpa Leo, who happens to be Aunt Sarah's brother. He pays attention to Luke (but not to Sarah or Jody), and he acts very confident and knowledgeable, and strong, so Luke wants to emulate him. He wants to be just like him.

Luke's Grandpa Leo also happens to have a similar attitude to Aunt Sarah's, not strange since they came from the same family. He doesn't get away with open 'gossip' because he's a man, so instead he criticizes everything and everyone as if they are all stupid or lazy, or crazy. Bossing people around is something he's always been allowed to do as well in the group, and he likes to condescend, it makes him feel smart and knowledgeable (just like his own Uncle Mike had done).

He also likes to make little groups of certain men and boys, just like his own Uncle Mike had done when he was young, excluding girls, women, and men whom he knows would not go along with it.

Within the cloistered zone of these little exclusive groups of like-minded men, they DO gossip about others, just like Aunt Sarah does, talking about how this guy down the street is a pansy, and that guy at work is a slob, and the woman up the street is crazy, and this other woman at work is a "hot babe" but "too bad she's a know-it-all" and "doesn't know her place". Etc, etc. This gossip factory looks a little different, but it's the same one as Aunt Sarah's, and the same one that they were exposed to as children. The boys who have been included in the group think they've been inducted into an important, grown-up club, but really they're being taught to have the same judgmental, insecure, finger-pointing, superiority mind-set.

So Luke grows up with a lot of his grandfather's perceptions and behaviors, and like his sister Shauna, he doesn't realize there's anything negative or wrong about them. Shauna has been told that when others don't go along with her or like her it's because they're envious, childish, and rebellious, and Luke has been told that others who don't go along with him or admire him are jealous, weak, and illogical.

Gossips and controllers like their Grandpa Leo or their Aunt Sarah usually create "exclusive" groups so no one can thwart their agenda, or be a positive, fair-minded, ethical influence on people within the group. These "exclusive" groups might be very small, like little cells within a family or community group, or they can be larger and larger, and still larger, all the way up to a national governmental or political group. Anyone who doesn't or wouldn't go along or agree with their agenda is unwelcome, rejected, even despised.

Healthy groups (any type, from religious to political to social to scientific) aren't exclusive, and don't reject those who are not in 100% agreement.




  

Gossip About Children, Sons, Daughters

It's not normal for a parent to gossip about their child with their friends, their partner, other relatives, or their other children.
It's also quite unhealthy to gossip about other people's children, relatives or not.

"He is such a loser, he just takes advantage, he's lazy and shiftless. All he does is sit on the computer. He SAYS he's 'writing' and 'working on a project', yeah sure. Show me the money. He's just trying to get out of working. Eats constantly, like a vacuum cleaner. He has no clue about life! He doesn't even watch Football with the other guys."

Adults who have such a habit are prone to surrounding themselves with other adults who do this too, OR with adults who are happy to scapegoat other people's children, but who put their own on a Pedestal.

A parent with Narcissism will typically either bad-mouth their own child, OR put their own child high above others.

Often, they will bad-mouth one child to others, and put another up on a pedestal.

Narcissistic parents (and uncles, aunts, and others) often create a dynamic of triangulation, suspicion, envy, resentment, shame, aggression, frustration, and dependency in their family. Some members are the "good people" and others are the "losers", at least today.

Next month or next year, who is in the "good club" and who gets left out and scapegoated might change, not according to who is actually "doing well" or "being a good person", but instead who is playing the GAME. Who is kissing who's behind, who is pretending to go along so they don't get targeted anymore, and who has stood up to someone's control or manipulation, or who has stood up for someone else against disrespect. (The latter two would be the ones who get transferred to the "we don't like them anymore" group). 

Other groups of adults who are charged with caring for, mentoring, or teaching children are also vulnerable to Narcissists within their ranks, instigating judgment, gossip, favoritism and rejection toward the children who are supposed be protected and supported.

It's NOT "normal" for adults to gossip about children, nor is it for people to gossip about grown children. VENTING is not gossiping. Seeking advice or support from non-judgmental friends or relatives is not gossiping.
Spreading negative implications or rumors, telling tales, casting judgments, and name-calling behind a person's back IS "gossiping", and is also slander when the gossip damages a person's reputation in the family or community. (When the rumors, namecalling, exaggerating, and false stories makes people think less of the person.)

The difference sounds something like this:

Venting: "I get so frustrated when my daughter turns all the lights on and doesn't shut them off, and leaves the TV on too, it's running up the electric bill. She shuts them off when I tell her to, with an attitude, but then she leaves them on again."
(Friends' response): "I hear you, my son does the same thing. I guess it's because they don't grasp about the cost of utilities yet. I wonder if involving them in the household budget would help."

Gossip/bad-mouthing: "My daughter is such a little princess, she's so spoiled, she thinks she lives in a palace, she thinks I'm her maid. Every time I turn around there are more lights left on, she doesn't care at all. She's such a little snip. I can't wait till she has to pay her own bills, she'll be crying for her Daddy and Mommy then."
(Gossipy friend's response): "You poor thing, that brat must drive you up the wall. I don't know HOW you do it. She must get that Royal Attitude from your husband's side."

Nope, definitely not normal or healthy. Children, both young and grown, who get gossiped and slandered by their own parents, relatives, and "friends of the family" OFTEN end up with emotional difficulties or even temporary mental illnesses from the extremely hurtful and confusing ill treatment, cold-shouldering, and ostracism by groups of people (who are supposed to be their caregivers) who participate in the gossip. They also OFTEN end up with many "real life" difficulties as a direct result of the way those around them treat them. Narcissistic adults DON'T mentor targeted children, they DON'T support them academically, socially, or materially (like non-Narcissistic adults would), and they cause "doors" (opportunities) to be CLOSED instead of OPENED for both young and grown children.
So while children who have been supported by non-Narcissistic adults are happily looking forward to the next opportunity and making the most of the current ones, children (both young and grown) who have been targeted by Narcissistic adults are trying to regain a sense of self, and sense of solid ground under their feet.

Gossipers triangulators usually got a head start during childhood, the habit is often passed down from an adult (or a group of them) somewhere along the line. It's mainly a way to give one's self a sense of false confidence and belonging, or to create a way to control others so they don't leave or so they do one's bidding. But sometimes, for some people, it's just about destruction, manipulation, and domination. 

 Many gossipers and slanderers appear to have some level of delusional thinking or paranoia. 

Red Flag: Causing Harm To Animals

Red Flag for Sociopathy
(Not necessarily for classic Narcissism, but it can go together)

Having a lack of remorse about injuring or killing animals, either wild or domestic, or for polluting the environment.

An absence of empathy for animals who are in pain or sick.

Getting an apparent charge from damaging or killing living things (including plant life).

Sociopaths often cover this up by announcing that they're ridding the environment of pests, and it seems to work on most people, since so many humans are fearful of different types of animals. But there's a difference between exterminating termites that are destroying a house, and poisoning birds because they're supposedly "annoying".  

There's a huge difference between an invasive, large rat population, and some field rats and mice in the back of a yard.

Big difference between a population of rattlesnakes near a school, and black racers (who aren't poisonous and eat rats) that live nearby.

Parents who are sociopaths tend not to teach their children empathy toward animals either, nor respect toward them. They tend to expose their children to acts of cruelty and abuse toward animals.

For example a non-sociopath who takes their daughter fishing would automatically teach and model about being very careful not to cause injury to a fish, and how to deal with the feeling of remorse when a fish does get injured, which ones are to keep, and how to "clean" them without making them suffer, and also what the POINT of fishing is, the reason for it.  

A sociopath (or very immature) parent who takes their daughter fishing may get a CHARGE out of their daughter's reactions to everything, and try to scare her or "gross her out". If she doesn't react the way they want her to (she doesn't get scared or grossed out), they'll likely try HARDER, perhaps by purposely injuring fish they catch, or torturing small animals to use for "bait", or feigning pushing her off the dock or the boat, or they'll get bored. If they also have classic Narcissism as well, they might get annoyed with her, like she's doing something "wrong" by not reacting, and they'll probably drone on and on about their "knowledge" and "skill", probably keep "disciplining" her every move, and they're also likely to compete with her in number of fish caught or sizes of fish caught (even if she's five years old). 

They won't be teaching much, if anything, about the balance of nature, respect for the wildlife and environment, respect for the fish, care or empathy for the fish, careful treatment of fish both released or kept, or WHY fishing is done.

Hunting is the same way, there is responsible hunting and there is irresponsible hunting. If one does not understand the difference, it's likely because they have not been exposed to responsible hunting. When a person with functioning empathy grows up seeing sociopathic and immature "hunters", it's understandable that one would believe hunting to be simply a sick, Narcissistic activity. Because sociopaths and Narcissists who "hunt" are usually doing it for reasons of Hubris and Ego, showing off, fitting in with a clique, (or just a sick fascination with snuffing out life or causing injury), and don't have any respect or care for animals, or for other human beings (especially for those who aren't in their clique).

~
~
Sociopaths have no problem putting pets "to sleep", they'll even often do that BEFORE exploring any caregiving options.
Just like using the excuse of "eradicating vermin" when killing random wildlife, they'll also use the excuse of "stopping the suffering" for euthanasia.

Again, very big difference between a cat or a dog who is ACTUALLY suffering and has no hope of a life not wracked by pain, or who is ACTUALLY "terminal" and will suffer horribly until death, and a cat or a dog who needs care that will cost money or take some effort or time.

Sociopaths tend to see their pets as objects, like cars, not like living creatures like others do. So when the car isn't new and pretty anymore, or if it needs work, you trade it in, you don't "waste money and time fixing it".

This unfortunately can include "professional" pet caregivers.  Veterinarians or technicians, a pet store owner or employee, or an Animal Control officer, or a farmer, zoo workers, or staff or officers of Animal Rescue organizations can be sociopaths just as easily as anyone else.
Being a sociopath would not STOP them from seeking such jobs or careers; their motives for doing things are not the same as those with functioning empathy. Which is one of the reasons they so often fly under the radar. (Who would imagine a Veterinarian to have a lack of empathy for animals? Would would even speculate? But think about Teachers who did NOT become Teachers because they love children.)

What (Or Who) Is The Focus In Your Community

The more disordered and dysfunctional a group or community is in general, the more the focus is on individuals in the group, for good or for ill, (who does what, who did what, who didn't do what, "who is who") and the less on objective information, progress, problem-solving, and cooperation.

Everything becomes about who's idea something is, and who gets credit, and who is wonderful, and who we don't like, and exactly what everyone is doing, and where they are, and what they're wearing, and how much money they have or don't have, and who they're friends with, and what they look like.

The focus in the group becomes more and more SUBJECTIVE, PERSONAL, GAIN-DRIVEN, MICRO-JUDGEMENTAL, and PARANOID, and less and less OBJECTIVE, GOAL-ORIENTED, CIVIL, POLITE, HELPFUL, and NON-JUDGMENTAL

Boys Vs. Girls, Yellow, Brown, White, Black, Red, Olive

Post by Reality Is Beautiful.

Boundaries And Judging Others

"Healthy Boundaries" means you don't think others are trying to MAKE you "follow" them,  or giving you directives and orders, or claiming to be an Expert or your Superior, or judging you, just because they share their insight, observations, beliefs, experiences, or opinions.

"Boundaries" are part of the function of the healthy, normal "ego", also a part of one's identity and ability to self-care and self-protect. Injuries and weaknesses are often due to neglectful, or abusive, or betraying, sabotaging, judgmental or otherwise dysfunctional behavior toward a person at some point, especially for prolonged periods of time, and even moreso if the experiences were during childhood.

When one's Boundaries are weakened or injured, it can be hard to discern whether another person is being manipulative or not, arrogant or not, straightforward and honest or not, or demanding or not. Trusting the "wrong" person, and rejecting and distrusting a trustworthy person is actually quite common.

That's why "Boundary Healing" is just as important as physical health in one's recovery.

Those who have developed Narcissistic disorder assume that they "already know for sure" who is trustworthy, wise, strong, and healthy, because they believe their own emotional reactions toward others, and interpret them as accurate "information". 

However whether a person has Narcissism or not, injured boundaries mean that one's ability to judge others EITHER for good or for ill has been compromised.
So one may be bent on accusing a person who has no hidden agenda of being a "Snake Oil Salesman", or "trying to get attention", or "holier than thou", and another who IS a Charlatan (or Cult Leader, or pathological liar, slanderer, abuser, con artist, thief, etc.)
to be a "Good and Honest, down to earth person". 

Because they are not feeling REAL or ACCURATE signals (gut feelings) about other people, nor are they paying attention to what's REALLY going on, how a person REALLY behaves, acts, and speaks. It's common for those with injured or weakened boundaries to make snap judgments about other people, either for good or for ill, and either let them "in" or reject them without getting to know the person at a healthy distance, over a good length of time.

Instead, they're feeling emotional responses to who and what seem familiar and safe, or "intelligent" or "responsible", and also to who and what seem foreign or "other", and also to their own envy, jealousy, resentment, feelings of abandonment, or fear.   

They may of course ALSO be responding to things and people around them that actually ARE some sort of threat, however they are very likely to see the threat as being much worse than it actually is.

On the other side of that coin, they are in danger of misinterpreting REAL threats as "safe harbor", due to the "training" they received when their boundaries became injured or weakened in the first place.

Control IS Their Motive

Keeping control over situations, things, and people in their lives is the main motivation for most people with "Control issues".

Control is the way they manage their lives.

Many who are somewhat aware of their control tendencies seem to believe that their behaviors only affect their own lives, and have no effect on others. But that limited perception is part of their issue, both a cause and an effect.

Their behaviors can vary from seemingly "normal" and healthy to very very kind, and then all the way to very nasty, and everything in between.

The basic, usual reasons for the variations in their level of kindness or nastiness has to do with their current level of how much they feel in control, and what they think it would take to regain control.

Kind of like piloting a boat or a plane.
Adjusting the sails, adjusting the rutter, adjusting the flaps, slowing down or accelerating, steering into the wind.

If they feel like they need to regain control or make an adjustment, they will do something in order to regain it.

That might be something very kind in order to elicit a specific response, or it might be something hidden and manipulative, or it might be something mean, cold, or humiliating in order to "cut a person down" or try to make them feel less confident or autonomous.

Some controllers are purposely vicious, and are fully aware of the harm they cause to others. It's not that they don't care, it's that they like to cause harm.

Others are not all that aware of the effect their behaviors have on others. Even if they have some awareness that some of the things they do are unkind or harmful, they are prone to believe that they don't cause much harm, or ANY harm.
This is a result of a person feeling powerless and ineffective; they see themselves as having little or no effect on other people's lives, which may be one of the main causes of their control issues and behavior. They may be trying to MAKE others "need" them, or see them as important or capable, because they have a core belief that they are actually unwanted and uncared for.

There is a distinct difference between those who have control issues who are coming from a point of view of Entitled Superiority, Elitism, and Authority Entitlement, and those who are coming from a point of view of feeling powerless, and trying to make sure they don't get left out or left behind.

Both of them cause problems for others, and both of them try to wield control over others, however one is much more dangerous than the other, and consciously aware of the harm they are causing.

(The first is consciously choosing their actions, the second is more often reactive, whether aware or not.)

Analogy:
One is like a cruel child who goes around looking for frogs, birds' nests and bees' nests to destroy, and the other is like a reactive child who kicks at dogs and cats who come near them, kills bees who fly near them, and whacks at mice and snakes in their yard or on their path with a shovel out of fear or anxiety.
The first goes looking for ways to destroy and control, the second does it reactively, usually in their own vicinity.

The second is more likely to see themselves as innocent of wrong doing, and can become very defensive if anything they do is even mentioned. (Again, defensive, which is reactive).

The first is more likely to try to destroy a person who mentions anything they do, not as an emotional reaction so much, but as a strategic, conscious "strike", getting rid of the threat. That's why the first is more dangerous.
Their control issues and behaviors are tied to a belief in their own Entitlement Of Power.

Not Fitting In

Whatever the general Bias is in your area, if you're not "one of them", whoever "them" happens to be, then they're probably not going to be supportive or fair toward you.

And in order to avoid rejection, sabotage, or various forms of attack, (depending on the severity of the dysfunction in the area), then you would need to behave in a submissive, abasing, super-sweet, compliant way, never standing up for yourself or others, never saying anything about anything they do no matter how corrupt, self-serving, incompetent, or cruel. You would have to "kiss a***s" all day in order to remain "accepted".

That is, if you're not "one of them". If you are "one of them", then you would have to do something pretty terrible in order to get rejected.

Picture it like "Royal Blood" and peasants.
If the bias in the region is FOR those of Arab descent and against those of Nigerian descent, then the Arabic descent people will live above reproach, controlling everything, living above laws, rules, and regulations, and the Nigerian descent people will be under a microscope about anything and everything.
If the bias is FOR Italian descent and against Irish descent, then the Italian descent people will create cliques and control everything, and "support their own", regardless of actual rules or laws, and the Irish descent people will be under a microscope about anything and everything they do or say. .
Or, vice versa.

If the bias in the region is FOR males and against females, then everyone (including most of the females) will enable and support males to control everything and run everything, and live above rules, laws, regulations, values, and social graces, but females will be under a microscope, being blocked and judged for everything they do or say. And of course the males in the region are also subject to whatever ancestral bias there is, and other social biases.

If it's a "jock town", then sports people will be treated with normal respect by one another, and they are very likely to treat those who are interested in other things with much less respect.

Etc, etc.

Humans have a huge tendency toward bias and bigotry, much bigger than most (including most scientists) are willing to admit.

A region or smaller group that does not purposely teach and practice strong values about fairness, respecting others, and civility is very likely to fall back into the lower human habits of bias, prejudice, bias-hierarchies and domination-seeking.

Objective Observation And Healthy Boundaries

"Healthy boundaries" and having "objectivity" means that one can observe virtually anything from a detached point of view, (as opposed to attached), without taking "sides", without casting judgment, without seeking to be right or someone else to be wrong, just seeing what's there.

There is no "right" or "wrong" when one looks at a shoe box. It's just a shoe box.

If one has traumatic memories regarding a shoebox, then one may have negative feelings toward any random shoebox.
If one inserts speculation about how the shoebox was made, or whether it was made in a sweatshop, or whether using trees to make cardboard is wrong, or if they think sweatshops are wrong, then they aren't observing the shoebox anymore, they are interjecting speculation, judgment, politics, their own version of morality, and their own opinion.
If I open the shoebox and there's a dead mouse inside, then I will have a harder time keeping judgment out of my observation of the shoebox, I'll be angry that some human closed an animal up in the box and let it die. So I won't be objective anymore, and my ability to observe and understand will be much less clear.

I would need to "regroup" and deal with my feelings in order to regain objectivity.

If I want to find out who did it, then I had better really regain my objectivity, because I will be prone to thinking of a person who I want to blame for it BEFORE I actually find out any real information, and that WILL direct my thought process, I will be more likely to try to find evidence that the person I want to blame is guilty, instead of actually finding out what really happened.

Objectivity is very difficult for humans in general, which is why "scientific method" was created.
It's harder for some than others.
The more ego injury or inflation a person is dealing with, the harder it is for them to be objective.
The harder it is for them to listen to or view information that they don't BELIEVE IN personally, that they don't identify with personally.
(If it doesn't make them feel good, they'll argue about it.)

The more objectively one is able to view and observe things, events, situations, and people around them, the less they try to lay blame, cast shame, control, create "sides", argue, or feel resentment, favoritism, or FEAR.

And therefore the clearer they can observe, the more information they can take in and comprehend, the easier they can hear information and gather information, and the easier it is to choose their actions consciously, instead of reacting emotionally.

Separating From Average Narcissistic People

Tip regarding separating from most average Narcissistic people, (other than the stalking or directly abusive):
Simply stop responding, engaging, and giving them positive or negative attention.

You don't need to blatantly ignore them or cold-shoulder them, just stop engaging with them. The point is not to "send them a message", when is the last time you got a message through to a Narcissist?
What will likely happen (except for stalkers/psychopaths) is that they will lose interest in you, because you are not giving them anything.
You're a dry well.
You're a stone in a remote field somewhere.
Narcissists only "like" people and connect with people who give them something they want, even if it's seemingly negative. 

They will now be getting from engaging with you:
No adrenaline rush, no feeling of domination, no challenge, no other supply.
You are now giving them:
No ego-feeding, no caretaking, no catering. no argument, no anxiety reaction, no drama, no praise, no positive or negative feedback.   

When they invite you to a party (so they can leave you out of conversation, say something humiliating to you in front of others, change the date or time, or expect you to clean),
just say you have something else to do that day.
And watch yourself to make sure you don't feel guilt or shame, or anxiety about not going. 
(Remember the old joke about needing to wash one's hair?) 

When they strike up a conversation with you so they can argue with whatever you say, just agree with whatever they say, don't vocalize any of your own opinions or knowledge, and then excuse yourself gracefully. (If you make it look like you're leaving because they're getting on your nerves, that will give them a twinge of supply.)

When they invite you "out" (so they can look "better" than you, or use you as "bait", or leave you out, or leave you behind, or act superior) don't go, have something else (boring) to do, or be tired.

When they change plans and times on you, let them, and then you can't go.

When they are obviously trying to get your praise or attention, give them a polite acknowledgement, but nothing more.

Yes it can feel like arrogance and coldness, but it's not, it's simply not engaging with a person who is trying to provoke you to react and give them something.
If they are not Narcissistic, then you haven't done damage to the relationship, and they will not abandon or discard you (or fly into some kind of tantrum).
If they are Narcissistic, then they'll drift away like there was never any relationship between you, like they barely knew you, and you'll be free from dealing with them.

Most average narcissistic people get bored with people who don't cater to them, or who they can't make react, or who doesn't "challenge" them.
When narcissists are bored with a person, they seek another source of supply.

Consumer Alert: Girls And Boys Clothing

If you don't understand "Gender Role Conditioning", or believe it, just go to Wal Mart, or any clothing store, and look at the shorts for little boys, and then stroll over to the girls dept. and look at the shorts made for them (all by people you don't know).
Look at the length of the shorts and the quality.
You really think that little boys and little girls are designing those shorts? Or making them? Or putting them in the stores? You really think that's THEIR "natural preference" because of their gender, and if adults didn't dress OTHER little boys and girls in those same clothes, that they would still want to wear them?
Please.

Now that you noticed the difference in the shorts that are available for people to buy, and that people put on their children whether the kids like them or not, and in a lot of cases whether the clothes are appropriate or not for age, weather, or where they're wearing them, go look at the difference in quality of shirts, pants, and underwear, and long underwear. Look at the difference in COATS. Look at the difference between men's flannel shirts and women's flannel shirts. In the make and quality of dress clothes.

Look at the prices while you're at it. Why is the same brand of shirt or pants a different quality between male and female "styles", and why the price difference?
It's all for the same reasons. 

AND SO, if men and boys are SO MUCH TOUGHER, then WHY do they seem to need MUCH WARMER CLOTHES than women and girls do, for the same climate?
Oh right... because girls and women don't go outside... or work... yeah that's it... lol.
Watch some more television.

Oh while you're at it, go see if you can find steel-toed boots in the men's section, you know the boots that people wear to PROTECT their toes because they don't want to get hurt... (owie!) ~ now go look to see if you can find them in the women's shoe department, how many are there? Because there should be MORE, since women are so fragile and need more protection...don't they?

This is NOT the "fault" of the men or the boys or the women or the girls who are wearing the clothes, they aren't the ones making them and distributing them.
But we CAN be aware of what we are BUYING, and what we are dressing our children in.

What are we putting on our kids, and WHY?

The Impression You Give May Not Be The One They Get

The "impression" you are giving to those who are on a higher level of awareness, who have functional empathy and abstract reasoning ability, is not at all the same as the "impression" that those with a lower level of awareness, emotional maturity, empathy function, or reasoning ability are getting of you.

You don't look the same to everyone who's meeting you or looking at you, and in many cases, not even close to the same.

And in most cases, even those with clearer perception don't see you exactly as you see yourself. They can't, it's not really possible, even if they are a highly aware and mature individual; they only know a couple of things that they can see, or think they can see. They would need time to get to know you and learn more about you, just like you would need to learn about them.

For those who are less aware and mature, they are looking at you through a stack of thick filters in their own mind.
Bias for or against people who look like you,
prejudice for or against your gender or race,
assumptions and stereotypes about you because of your height, or your weight, your build,
your hair color and the way it's styled,
your clothing,
your accent or speech pattern,
etc. ad infinitum.

It is very possible that they are comparing you to various characters from television, film, music, CARTOONS, politics, history, childhood, etc., and trying to find one that matches your looks (in their mind.)
People do this a lot, but those with mental illness are more likely to believe that your personality is JUST LIKE the character or person they think you resemble. So if you remind them of a girl they couldn't stand in school, you must be "just like that girl". If you remind them of a certain Aunt who was afraid of dogs, YOU must also be afraid of dogs.
If you remind them of a nude-magazine model, well, that can get not so funny very quickly.

The less maturity, reasoning ability, clarity of perception and functional empathy (not sympathy) a person has, the more they are likely to judge others in all kinds of left-field, imagination-based, tales-from-childhood ways, and so are not going to even be able to see you for "who you are".
Further, they are much more likely to believe that they know "all about you" from a few superficial traits, or from hearsay, or from hearing you speak, or seeing your posts online. Or even from your car, your shoes, or your job, or people they saw you speaking with.

However those who DO have higher reasoning ability, empathy function, clarity, and emotional maturity are much more likely to see you closer to who you really are, and to treat you with civility, manners, and respect.

So if someone treats you poorly for "no reason", (nothing you did that was inconsiderate, manipulative, or aggressive...for real...)
it's probably because of their own limited perception and discernment and reasoning ability.

When you find yourself dealing with a person who has some sort of authority over you, or poses a direct threat, and this limitation seems to be the case, it's probably best not to let on that you think they're limited in perception; just keep it as peaceful and calm as you are able so you can figure out how to get away from them as quickly and unscathed as possible.
(Those who have limited perception toward others, with limited maturity, are also more likely to be histrionic, volatile, and reactive.)

She Deserves To Get Picked On?

Narcissists tend to see those who are treated as less important or less valuable as "deserving it" because they are somehow intrinsically less valuable human beings.

This perception fuels their belief in their own superiority.
In order to have superior people (like themselves), there has to be inferior people in order to make "superiority" valid ~
(like that woman over there, or that boy in the other room, or that girl at the store, or that man outside. Or those people from that other country or town, or political party, or religion. Or anyone of that other sex. Or anyone who's shorter, or thinner, or heavier, or older, or younger. Or like their sister, or their cousin, or their neighbor, or their uncle, or their nephew, or their niece, or their coworker, or that customer.).

Which is why they tend to become enraged or devastated when they themselves are treated with any sort of lack of attention, adulation, or acceptance. They are suddenly being treated as one of those "less valuable people", instead of one of the "valuable people".
It contradicts their self-image and identity.

Narcissists NEED to feel superior to someone else in order to feel worthy. Many believe that everyone else also needs to feel superior in order to feel worthy, and so they think everyone is competing for superiority, and that anyone who doesn't achieve "superiority" (in their imagined world) are envious or jealous of those who have.

(What defines "superior" depends on the individual person's beliefs and perceptions;
one N. might think that a certain level of wealth indicates "superiority" over others,
while another might see being "tall and good looking" as "superiority",
another might see being "small" and good-looking as "superiority",
another might see having dark hair as "superiority",
another might see being "athletic" as "superiority",
another may see being considered "NOT attractive" as "superiority", another might see having large shoulders as "superiority",
another might see being a certain sex as "superiority",
for another it might be what kind of car a person owns,
or how many,
or their house or neighborhood,
a club they belong to,
the job they have or that they belong to a union,
the political party they belong to,
a sport they participate in (or just watch),
having children,
not having children,
being married,
not being married,
their spouse's job, title, or looks,
the high school or college they went to,
or their level of education,
or what FIELD they're educated in,
or that they DON'T have a college or a graduate degree,  
or what religion they belong to,
or that they don't belong to a religion,
or having a certain skill or knowledge,
having a certain ancestry,
or just being themselves and therefore better than anyone,

It can LITERALLY be ANYTHING.
ANYTHING WHATSOEVER can cause a Narcissist to feel that they are superior to others because they possess this specific object or trait.



~

They may or may not be aware of this need, and will almost certainly adamantly deny that it's true. However their behavior reveals their underlying perceptions and motives:


When someone near them or with them is treated with disrespect, rudeness, unfairness, disdain, backstabbing, or bullying, what do they do? (Especially if they themselves are being treated with courtesy or respect by the same people or person who are disrespecting the other person?)

Do they allow it, go along with it, act like nothing is happening, pretend not to notice, or even worse, join in?

Or do they acknowledge that the other person is being treated poorly?
~And then perhaps either show solidarity with the person, even in a subtle way, refuse to engage with the disrespectful person, or leave, or say something out loud; do they do any of those things?
(Or are they apparently getting an ego buzz out of being treated better than someone else?)

Actions AND words reveal the underlying motives and feelings of a person with Narcissism.

Narcissists Can Have Kindred Spirits, Sort Of

"Kindred Spirits"...

Narcissists tend to LIKE other Narcissists.
Not for the same reasons non-narcissists like other people, but for their own reasons. They can be superior to others together, help one another to rationalize and justify their poor treatment of other people, give one another positive reinforcement, and help each other with various activities and agendas. 

They can often be seen creating cliques and factions with one another, and conspiring against common scapegoat targets.

Sick?
Very. 

(Give it enough time and they will eventually turn on one another when there's no one they can target together.)

On the other side of this coin, if they don't like a particular fellow Narcissist, they tend to DESPISE them, and compete with them directly in all sorts of ways.
The targeted person is like a scapegoat, except that the Narcissist considers them to be "on equal footing", a "peer", a "worthy opponent", a "fair fight"...

They get a very big charge out of the drama of targeting a scapegoat, attacking a person and/or their reputation, wielding control over another human being, and from "competing" with a "nemesis". 
The charge from the drama is a neurochemical cocktail that gives them a "rush", and makes them feel powerful. (Possibly similar to the reported "high" from cocaine or cocaine by-products, or amphetamines, which explains the addictive behaviors to this "rush".)

(Having a "nemesis" means you're very important...apparently...even more important than when you consider yourself superior to another person.)

"Pig" "Dog" "Unclean" "Inferior" "Elitist" "Gold Digger" "Whore"

Post by Sanctuary For Awareness And Recovery.

Always Offended, Always Accusing

Constantly being "offended" by something another person has done or said, frequently expressing doubts and questioning another person's real meaning, motives, or agenda, having ongoing suspicions toward another person (especially with no proof or real evidence) about betrayal, agenda, ostracizing, gossiping, triangulation, disrespect or abandonment is actually a symptom of paranoia, which may or may not a part of a Narcissistic disorder.

Having occasional doubts or suspicions is not necessarily "paranoid", it's normal human. We know from experience that people aren't always on the level, and can do crappy things, even sometimes unconsciously.
However, a person who does NOT have paranoia or a disorder is keen to find out if their suspicions are founded or not. They will often seek to find out what's true, false, or hidden. They will happily accept evidence that shows their suspicions were incorrect about a person, and will experience a feeling of relief.

If however they find out their suspicions were correct, their focus will be on protecting themselves and getting out of the mess they find themselves in, not so much on the other person; not on retaliation and revenge.

They will also often accept a genuine admission, apology, or amends, but - if they don't want to, or if there is no forthcoming apology or amends, they will simply separate themselves from the person without much ado. They won't keep the same connection with the person, nor will they make an effort to try to stay connected to the person either with positive or negative intentions.

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A person who does have paranoia or a related disorder does NOT accept evidence about their suspicions being incorrect, because that's not really their main focus. Their main focus tends to actually be a desire to feel "vindication". (This may be a loop they're stuck on from something in their past with a real person who betrayed them, abandoned them, or hurt them.)
So evidence that the other (current) person has no agenda means they have no excuse to be angry at the person, or resent them, or try to dominate them.  That's not what they're looking for, so they ignore the evidence.

When they find that there is evidence to show that their suspicions WERE accurate, or even if there's a grain of truth but not entirely correct, they will typically ramp up their efforts to dominate and "punish" the person. This is what they wanted, an excuse they can use to justify their desire to go after the person whom they've targeted.

Importantly, they will ALSO OFTEN ramp up their efforts to "punish" the person WITHOUT evidence or proof of "guilt", often CREATING false stories and motives in order to "justify" their poor treatment of the person.

This behavior has been seen over and over and over throughout human history coming from "officials" who unfortunately had positions of power in spite of their mental illness; well known larger scale examples of which are the Spanish Inquisition, the Holocaust, the American "witch trials", Jesus Christ's trial and crucifixion, persecution of women in general and of certain men in many countries, persecution for religious beliefs in many countries, and slavery throughout human history.
("Persecution" is a word that describes this behavior, as well as "scapegoating", "smearing", and "oppression".)

Those who have severe paranoia (delusional) often don't really have an agenda, they actually believe their suspicions and imaginings: they're "stuck" on a feeling of suspicion of betrayal, or believing that another person is out to get them, or is trying to hurt them, regardless of any and all evidence to the contrary. (They often can be found to have been betrayed, neglected, or abused in their past as well, but they are less aware of the difference between their own thoughts and feelings, and reality.)
They may not even be aware that they are making stories up in their minds about what others are doing, and what others' motives, feelings, intentions, and thoughts are.

Those with certain disorders that may include apparent paranoia may be looking for "reasons" to validate their feelings of suspicion or resentment, or "reasons" to cast judgment and blame on the other person, or an excuse to retaliate against or ostracize a person.
It's not about what REALLY going on, that's not what they're interested in. They are focused on seeking ways to validate and justify their feelings, real or imaginary, and excuses to treat the other person poorly.
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Those with Narcissism, whether they have paranoia or not, often accuse others of "paranoia" in order to paint them as exaggerators or liars. They are not that difficult to spot because they don't have compassion for the person in mind when they say it; in other words they are not stating an observation about the person's health, and having concern for the person, which a non-narcissist would have if they realized another person was displaying signs of mental illness, actual "paranoia".

(Using a mental illness as an accusation, like the person is "bad" for having it, or as if the person CAN "help it" but refuses to, as if they're "using it" as a way to get attention or an easy life, is a common Narcissist behavior. I have personally witnessed this numerous times coming from family members of autistic people, friends and acquaintances of those with mental, emotional, or neurological issues such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, bpd, PTSD or OCD, and from PAID "caregivers" of mentally disabled children and adults. ~ If you can imagine an adult person saying "he exaggerates his Down Syndrome issues in order to get attention, just ignore him.")

Paranoia Disorder

Feeling Alone And Unwanted

One of the most serious side effects of Narcissistic treatment or abuse that can be difficult to recover from is an internalized belief that one does not belong, and that one is not likeable or loveable by those who are confident, caring, healthy human beings.

If one takes it apart and analyzes it, the flaw in the logic is revealed.

Confident, caring, healthy human beings, male or female, of any ancestry, do not manipulate with rejection, disrespect, ostracism, shunning, slander, sabotage, neglect, triangulation, hurt, abuse, or abandonment.

Only Controllers, abusers, and Narcissists do those things. 

When these things have been done to a person by controllers over and over, the person can begin to believe that the REASON they are being treated so poorly is because they just aren't worthy enough.

OTHER people are being treated well, so I must not be as good, or as worthy, or as likeable as they are. I am a person whom others don't want around.

But remember it's not just "people" who don't want a person around, or who bully and manipulate them, it's Controlling people.

If and when these beliefs solidify, it can be very difficult to recover from. Every time a new narcissistic or controller person (or group) shows up and does their usual manipulative, cold, or dominating behaviors, the internalized belief can get reinforced.

Even when a person or group is not doing seriously abusive behaviors, one's negative beliefs can still be reinforced just because the other person is aloof, arrogant, emotionally reactive, or oblivious.

People who are narcissistic, controlling, disordered, arrogant, bad-mannered, self-centered, or dealing with their own trauma issues are very numerous in modern culture. So it's almost impossible to avoid interacting with them.

IF the internalized feeling of not being liked, wanted, cared about or worthy was not present, it would be much, much easier to deal with self-centered,  disordered people, and it would be easier to discern those who are dealing with trauma symptoms.

So healing that skewed belief that some Controllers helped to implant is a very important and worthwhile goal. <3 br="">Namaste.
You are quite worthy and loveable by HEALTHY, good, strong people. 

Controllers Are Obstacles In Front Of Your Goals

Having focus on a personal project, mission, goal, and/or task is one of the "happiness" or "contentment factors" for a healthy human being.

This does include playing a personal role in a larger project, mission, goal, or ongoing organization. 

Since this is a significant factor for the health and happiness, confidence and fulfillment of healthy humans, it's also a target for bullies, controllers, and Narcissists.

If they can prevent a person from progressing toward their own goal, they feel powerful, and indeed gain a kind of power over the person.

If they can prevent and block a person from participating and contributing their personal abilities to the larger group, family, project, community or organization, they have successfully sabotaged several things that would have been beneficial, even essential, for that person's well-being, health, and growth, both present and future. 

One of the creepier examples of this is when a controller tries to prevent a parent from caring for their own child, guiding their own child, teaching their own child real values and ethics, and supporting and protecting their child.
Also, trying to prevent a person from caring for or about their spouse or partner, friend, or other relative.
This clearly demonstrates how the desire for control over others has absolutely nothing to do with "making others do the right thing because they don't know any better".

When others stand between you and a personal goal, (POSITIVE goal, that is), a project, mission or task, whether it's caring for your child, rescuing an animal, buying a home, getting a job, singing a song, going to school, building a shed, learning an instrument,  or painting a picture, they are not trying to "help", they are trying to insert themselves in your business in order to get a fix of control, and to block you from progress.

See it for what it is, and go around them. Block them out.
If you have to, go do what you were doing somewhere else, away from them.

You may want to involve them, or to get their approval, because you know that letting Controllers believe they're a part of something you're doing (and getting credit for it, and leading) means they're likely to do less to block you. But that's an illusion, they'll still block you or try to control you, they'll just do it in more of a Passive Aggressive way. Controllers don't comprehend boundaries or respect, so it's inevitable. If they're involved in any way, they WILL try to take control at some point, and if they can't, they'll probably cause damage instead.

Keep your goals, projects, missions, tasks and activities "online", don't shut them down in order to avoid a Controller's consequences. Go around. It does take more effort than if there was no Controller in the way, but take it for what it is, an obstacle on the course.

Monkey See Monkey Do: Bias For One Sex Is Learned

Bias for one sex or the other, and against one sex or the other, is generally learned by watching the way people treat one another during childhood, especially in our immediate families, but also in the larger community. Then when a person grows up, they generally judge the sex they are biased FOR through rose-colored glasses, assuming and projecting positive capability, motives, and character onto them. They tend to judge the sex they learned to be biased against through a cloud of negativity and self-righteousness, as if the members of that sex automatically deserve to be under a microscope and on trial.

Humans do the same thing with race and ancestry. Bigotry is bigotry, whether it's bias for or against another person's sex or race, or even age group.

Humans will do this regarding ancestry traits within their own race as well.

Those who we are biased FOR (either as a member of a group or as an individual) we "make way for", give more resources, respect, time, and positive attention to, willingly and respectfully assist them, recognize and honor their achievements, accomplishments, and character, and tend to believe in their capability, intelligence, and wisdom without making them "prove it". We also tend to believe them without double-checking their facts or doubting their motives. 

Those who we are biased AGAINST we tend to treat in the opposite way, whether we're biased against them as members of a certain group, or as an individual.
We'll nonchalantly or directly block them, dismiss them, argue with them, try to prove them wrong, and ignore them. We'll ignore, dismiss, and criticize their achievements and goals, and apply negative motives to them. We'll say negative things about them instead of positive things in conversation. We'll treat them as if they are incapable, inexperienced, weak, stupid, silly, or crazy. We'll deny them resources, even sabotage their progress and goals, and refuse to make effort for them like we do with those whom we are biased FOR.   

Whatever biases are common in a local community and culture, Narcissists will capitalize on. Some of them believe stereotypes and cultural prejudices are real, while sociopaths will use them in order to manipulate and oppress whether they believe them or not.

(Narcissists figure out quickly who's a** to kiss in order to get accepted and get ahead, and who it's okay to treat with disrespect because everyone else is bigoted against them or scapegoating them too. Many also seem to intuitively know that in each crowd there are different biases, so while in one crowd, everyone is biased against black men, in the next crowd everyone is biased against Hispanic women, and in the next it's white men, and in the next it's blond-ancestry women, and so on. A sociopathic Narcissist will morph into whatever crowd they're in, and find a way to be a member of the "in crowd" within that group, adapting the group's bully, bigot, and bias behaviors.)

Good Vs. Evil

Remember that Evil is as evil does.
It will always try to rationalize and justify, and it will try to make itself appear to be "good", "knowledgeable", "strong", "straightforward", and "important".

But it is revealed not in words nor appearance, but in actions; in what it's actually doing.

Good is also revealed in actions, and in cause and effect; not in description, intention, nor appearance. 

Evil likes to make itself into judge, jury, and prison guard, because it's a way to control others that appears "righteous".

Good wants to find solutions and plans that are of mutual benefit for all, while preserving the freedom and dignity of the individual.

Evil wants to own, control, or destroy places, things, and people.  Good does not.

The reason it seems that evil "always wins" is because evil is driven, obsessively, to "own", control, or destroy, and will destroy whatever is in the way of its "goal", like a charging rhino across a field of bunny rabbits. Evil doesn't care what or who it stomps, it just wants, and figures out ways to get what it wants.

Good is much stronger than evil, it's just not driven, obsessive, or destructive by nature.

Is He or She The "Right One"?

"Is my partner really Mr. or Ms. Right?"

You've won Powerball, but in order to collect you have to break up with your spouse or partner, (no fake-outs allowed where you get back together later in secret), what would you do?

What if THEY won Powerball and had the same requirement, what would they do?

If the answer for either of you is "break up, collect the money, it's a once in a lifetime shot", then you're not "in love", and you're probably not the right person for each other.
Seems like there should more to this story, but there's really not.

Humility Vs. Supremacy

Humility and Supremacy are opposites of one another.

Humility is about knowing that one is not omnipotent, a god, a deity, all-knowing and above others.
It allows one to learn, and to appreciate and view the world and other people as they really are, without casting personal bias, assumptions, projections, or judgments, which block one's clear perception. 

Supremacy is about believing that one is innately superior. Since it is a belief, it must be continually reinforced and reaffirmed with evidence proving that it is so. When we need to reinforce a belief by gathering evidence to prove that it's true, that means we are not just sitting in a neutral position, allowing it to prove itself.

The moon proves its own existence every night, and so do the stars, and the sun, and the rain. We don't need to do anything to prove they are there, they just show up and show themselves. What we BELIEVE about them, however, is that which we favor to be true, but isn't necessarily, and so we seek evidence to prove that our belief is correct to others, and to ourselves.

There used to be a common belief that the sun, planets, and stars rotate around the Earth, like the moon does.  There were many who held positions of authority who wanted it to be true, and there were all kinds of "papers" written by "scholars" who insisted that it was scientific fact, complete with explanations of WHY it was so. They could not prove it, they just wanted it to be true, probably because it made them FEEL a certain way to believe that they were the center of the Universe, the most important thing. They wanted it so much that they exiled or even killed people who said otherwise.

In modern times, many humans have shown and proved that only the moon rotates around the Earth, but the Earth rotates around the sun, along with the other planets in our solar system, and the stars are very far away "suns" with solar systems of their own, in a larger galaxy, and so on.  

Belief needs to be reinforced over and over. Reality does not need reinforcement, it simply shows up. So when a person feels defensive about their belief being true or not, it's usually because subconsciously they know there isn't really indisputable proof that it's true or real.


There is a common belief throughout the world that there are giant hominids in the wilderness; "Yeti", "Sasquatch", "Bigfoot", the "Abominable Snowman" are names that have been given to this mysterious, elusive creature.

Does it exist, or does it not? Is it real, is it living, is it out there? Or is it a myth?


What we have is evidence that is not rock-solid because it could have been faked, many eye-witness accounts which can't be used as "proof", footage that could have been faked, and legends that go way back. All of this proves zero, zilch, nada. There is no solid proof that the Yeti DOES exist, NOR is there proof that it DOES NOT exist.

And yet, there are people who are adamant believers that the Yeti exists, and there are people who adamantly believe that it DOES NOT exist.


Without proof either way, it's all the same. Believes and skeptics are in the same boat; it's all about BELIEF. So, the "believers" tend to try to gather anything they can find to prove that they're right, and "skeptics" try to gather anything they can find to prove that THEY are right.

It's all futile. There is no way to prove that the Yeti DOES NOT exist, nor is there solid evidence to prove that it does.


On the day that someone can gather enough evidence to proves that the Yeti is really out there, believing that it exists, or NOT believing that it exists, is still all just BELIEF. It's not "fact".

And so it goes with everything else. If one wants to believe in Supremacy, then one will keep trying to gather evidence to reinforce the belief. But if one has humility, then "Supremacy" is moot. It either proves itself, or it doesn't; if it proved itself, it wouldn't need to be reinforced, shown, or proven. Just like the moon, the sun, and the stars. No one would be wondering if it was true or not, and no one would be trying to prove it.