Why Narcissists Reject People

The reason a narcissist will reject a person is not because they actually did something wrong, heinous, cruel, traitorous, or evil.
It's usually the other way around.
The narc. who owes you money and doesn't want to pay you back will reject YOU. They will act as if you deserve to get rejected because you are a terrible person; they will probably slander your name, barrage you with accusations of being a bad person, and might even threaten you. They will tell whoever will listen that you did something wrong with the money. (Picture a scared rabbit trying to desperately get away from a dog who has cornered him or her, scrabbling and jumping wildly, doing anything to escape. Narcs. feel trapped when they owe someone for anything, so if they think it will work, they will try to turn the whole thing around as if the person they owe is some kind of predator, crazy, or heavy, and they are the real "victim".)
The narc. who backstabbed and lied about you either for fun, or to try to make you look bad in order to make themselves seem better by comparison ~ will reject YOU if you find out about it, or if they're afraid you might find out about it. They can NOT TOLERATE getting caught doing something wrong, so they twist it and turn it around and, again, try to make the entire situation look like YOU are the one who did something wrong to THEM.
The narc. who physically assaulted you in some way, either as an adult or a child, will reject YOU. Again, they CAN NOT TOLERATE getting seen as doing something wrong, so they twist and turn the real events into a backwards version where YOU are the one who instigated, started, or caused the assault.

People who are either biased FOR the Narc, or AGAINST you, will believe every word the Narc says, before they even get to the end of the Tall Tale. And even if they doubt the whole story, they will still refuse to believe that you had no blame in the situation, and will still want to believe that the Narc's actions were justified somehow.

"Well I can't blame him for not paying him back, he wasn't very nice to him..." Even if that was true, "not being nice" is not a REASON to shaft a person for money.

"Well I can understand why she punched her, she can be snotty." Please... do they seriously think it's okay for someone to punch THEM every time they sound "snotty"? No, just that person they don't like... not themselves...(oh and THEY NEVER sound snotty...EVER.. to anyone... ever...they are perfect...)

"Well I can understand why he cheated on her, she would drive any man crazy." Hate/judge much? Betrayal is a CHOICE. If the person can't control themselves, then they need to be medicated and put under supervision, they should not be walking around free among the general population. Betrayal is quite popular among sociopaths and other narc. humans, as is blaming the victim of a betrayal.

Always Your Fault, Never Mine

A TARGET IS NEVER ALLOWED TO BE A VICTIM OF ANYTHING. ONLY THE NARC IS.

EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO THE TARGET IS THE TARGET'S FAULT. ALWAYS.
NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO THE NARC IS THE NARC'S FAULT. EVER.

THE NARC WILL NEVER FEEL SORRY OR FEEL CONCERN FOR A TARGET BECAUSE IT TAKES THE ATTENTION, THE SPECIAL CONCERN, AND THE SPOTLIGHT OFF OF THE NARC AND PUTS IT ON THE OTHER PERSON.

The Target will be blamed for everything that ever happens in their life; that way no one ever has to HELP them, or give them extra attention, or give them comfort or assistance, or risk their being "liked" by standing up for a target against disrespect or injustice.

If a Target is upset about something, it's because the Target is weak, stupid, emotional, unstable, or pathetic, and the Target should "just get over it and quit being so negative". If the Narc. is upset about the EXACT SAME THING in their own life, (even if it's only an hour later..) then suddenly it's an extremely important and legitimate complaint, a terrible thing, and everyone should listen, empathize, sympathize, and assist.

If the Target receives the wrong Fast Food order, it's NOT the Burger King staff's fault, it's because the Target didn't speak loudly or clearly enough...
But if the Narc. receives the wrong order, then it's ALWAYS the Burger King staff's fault. Even if it's the same BK, the very next day...

If the Target gets hit by another car, it's the Target's fault for being in the wrong place or driving "wrong", going too slow...
If the Narc runs into someone else with their car, it's ALWAYS the other driver's fault (they were going too slow, they weren't watching where they were going). If they run into an object, it was the object's fault. If they hit an animal, it was the animal's fault.

If the Target is betrayed, whether it's for love, money, or friendship, it's the Target's fault, always. SOMEHOW, something the Target did CAUSED the other person to BETRAY THEM.
So, the person (Narc) who didn't pay the Target back money they borrowed is NOT TO BLAME... it's the TARGET'S FAULT that he or she is out that money...
The person (Narc) who cheated on the Target is NOT TO BLAME...something the Target did or didn't do CAUSED the Narc to cheat...
The person (Narc) who backstabbed and slandered a Target is NOT TO BLAME, it was the Target who CAUSED them to slander and gossip...

Child Favors One Parent Over The Other

http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/parents/favoring.html#1209o

This is a site dealing with parental issues in a forum setting.  Here are a couple of excerpts, click the link above to get to the site ^



Kids prefer one parent ALL THE TIME

Dec 2009 I hear a lot that it's normal and expected for young kids (1-6) to favor one parent over the other, and that typically this changes over time, having phases of preferring each parent when there are 2 in the house. In our family, both my kids want me most of the time, ask for me, cry for me, and at times refuse my partner. My partner is just as loving and involved as I am, and mostly is able to roll with this and understand it probably has to do with the fact that I work part time and spend more time with them. But occasionally my partner gets hurt and upset and feels like an inferior parent because of it. The preference has never shifted between us -- it's always me. I don't like it either! Do other people have this dynamic and what are your theories about why, if both parents are actually great, loving parents? Thanks for any input.
Here's what we did. On certain nights of the week, one parent would be responsible for a specific duties, like bathing and bedtime, with NO exceptions. No matter how much tears, we'd say sorry, it's Daddy's night, Mommy will do bath tomorrow night, (or the revere.) Very quickly the preferred parent became the one not on duty. And quickly after that, because we NEVER gave in, the tears dried up too.
And for the previously neglected parent, there's nothing better than hearing your child blubbering that she has to have you. anon

6-year-old daughter doesn't want mom around

Does anyone know, can anyone explain to me the concept of an Oedipal Victor and what the dynamics are like? My husband and I have one child, a daughter, who is almost six, who has, for a long time, been a real "daddy's girl." The only problem is that it has been coupled with a very strong rejection of Mommy. Mommy is asked to stay back from family outings, and to generally keep out of the play and interaction between father and daughter. I used to think our daughter just preferred more quality time with Daddy, since she gets me all the time (I'm a stay-at-home-mom). But now I suspect there is much more to it. My husband is very solicitous of our daughter and lavishes lots of affection on her. He makes his love for her a very obvious and constant thing. His affection for me, on the other hand, is extremely rare and almost never demonstrated openly. On the contrary, my husband and I have many rifts and disagreements and, though I try to behave civilly and even warmly towards him, it is much harder for him to do the same. From him I often get a cold shoulder, he won't answer or react to me, gets annoyed when I persist, and now my daughter has taken it one step further and actually treats me like an outcast whenever we all three are together. She attacks me viciously if I try to relate myself to them if they are involved in something together, particularly if she perceives that I am trying to influence or control how they play. But she will also not let me "mother her" or nurture her in his presence. It feels like her rejection of me is an extension of his hostility towards me and quite frankly the situation is untenable.
When my daughter and I are alone, she is usually very cooperative, sweet and loving - which has always been her true nature. But when she gets angry with me, she flies into a rage that includes many hurtful or -attempts to be hurtful- statements, such as, "everyone hates you." Though my husband has enunciated to her that he loves us both equally (his wife and his daughter) I fear his behavior belies another truth and that is what is creating this extremely painful situation. Any input that can shed light on this matter would be very greatly appreciated.
I extend my deep compassion to you as you seem on the verge of facing some issues for which the outcomes are unknown and pose great risks for you and your family, but hopefully, great opportunities for growth. Even in this anonymous e-mail setting, it is very brave of you to take this step. From your description, I hear you say that your relationship with your husband is being played out through your daughter. Your daughter needs you and needs to have a healthy relationship with you..because you are her mother and regardless of the relationship you have with your husband. It is time to assert yourself and require respect from your family and yourself. Go to a counsellor or a minister or rabbi; go with your husband; go by yourself if he will not go.
After my sister divorced her husband, she said, based on her experience, "The most important thing a husband can do for his children is to love his wife." For her, that wasn't to be and she divorced him. Because of conservative divorce laws in another state she ended up having to move out of the house and not live with her children. She went through several years of her teenaged children rejecting her. With support and patience and unconditional love for her children, she managed to reestablish her relationships with her grown children as they passed into their early 20's. Of course, your personal circumstances and dyanamics are unique and what happens will be different. But at this point is does sound as though something needs to change. If I could bestow gifts upon you it would be courage, truth and compassion for the journey ahead.

Humans Are Jerks?

Every human has traits that can be considered narcissistic. If we didn't, we would have died as babies. We act like jerks, we hurt others, we ignore and dismiss others, we look down on others, we forget about the needs of others. The difference is whether we can accept these human faults in ourselves, how we feel about them, what we do about them, and whether we blame others for them or take responsibility for them. Any human being will make mistake after mistake, after mistake... but not feeling guilt or remorse for those mistakes, refusing to admit them, refusing to admit something we did was hurtful, trying to justify the things we have done by blaming the other person... taking joy in hurting, demeaning, or putting down another person, trying to dominate others, having no care for their well-being while trying to get our needs and wants met, that's the difference. It's not just our behavior, it's how we feel about our behavior, the mistakes or the things we have purposely done, and how we feel about the impact of our behavior. A human being might be absent-minded or overwhelmed and keep forgetting appointments or agreements or to get in touch, but how they feel about their forgetting, and how they feel about the impact they're forgetting makes on others defines whether they're narcissistic or not. I forgot to call my friend all week, but I just realized it and I feel crappy about it, and I hope they aren't thinking I blew them off on purpose or that I don't care. I just realized it, so I'm going to call them now. If they're upset that I didn't call, so be it, it's TRUE, I didn't call. I DID screw up and it may have hurt their feelings. They have done the same thing to me in the past, quite a few times, and it hurt my feelings, but I didn't hate them for it or retaliate, and I now know they can be forgetful too, just like me. I did ask them why, and they answered "Didn't mean to, just overwhelmed with work, very sorry." They did not become angry when I called and said "What's up, you were supposed to call?" They just apologized genuinely, and that was the end of it. There was no anger at ME for being upset at THEM for not calling when they said they would, they knew they made a mistake, they didn't try to justify it or turn it around and try to make it all my fault in order to get out of admitting their own fault. And I will not do that to them either; I was supposed to call them in the beginning of the week, and it's Thursday. If they're upset, then they have a right to be, but I trust they won't attack me personally, verbally or otherwise, in expressing their dismay at me. And I will just listen and apologize, I won't try to justify why I didn't call. I might explain my forgetfulness to ensure them that I didn't do it purposely, but I won't try to make it sound like I have every RIGHT to forget to call because I am so busy or overwhelmed, and I won't turn it back on them. Of course if they're abusive when I call, then that's a different story, but I don't think they will be, they might just be upset, and that's of course completely "okay".

Annoyance At "Victims": Rejection and Blame

It is the common thing for people to reject and shun a person who has been traumatized. Most people don't understand the effects trauma has on the brain, and often don't want to understand it because it can take some effort. Humans do this with other things too, all the time; they don't know how to fix their own car because they would have to learn how, and that seems difficult, so they reject learning it and doing it. They pay someone else to do it. They do this with home repairs and remodeling. They buy clothes someone else made instead of learning how to make their own clothes. It's difficult for me, so I don't want to know about it. They do it with their accounting, investments, and taxes. Pay someone else to figure this out, I don't want to. It's too hard. We don't program our own software, we buy it, someone else coded the programs on our computer. This is HUMAN, it's one of our traits. When something seems hard to understand, we reject it, and don't want to learn about it, don't want to know about it. We want someone else to deal with it. It seems like it's self-centered, because it is self-centered, but it's also not possible to learn every single thing in the world, and then carry out each task. We learn what we learn, and we pay others to do what they learned. But the negative face of that coin is when we reject what we don't want to learn because it's too hard, and when we judge something to be "stupid" or "unnecessary" just because WE don't understand it ourselves or because it makes us feel uncomfortable.

Most people do this very thing with trauma, crime, and abuse victims.

It's too much to comprehend, the cause and effect of trauma on someone else, so we reject trying to understand it.

It's too hard, we're not strong enough or patient enough to stop and actually try to understand the cause and effect on another person, so we act like the PERSON is the problem.  Like they are MAKING themselves an obstacle to OUR progress and happiness. We don't stop and think for a minute about how that person has been blocked from THEIR progress and happiness, and that we are doing nothing but making it worse when we reject them and put them down. We are adding our own weight to the load they already carry, and we don't even seem to care at all. We want a person who has been through whatever kind of trauma to CARRY OUR LOAD for US by PRETENDING that nothing happened to them, and that they aren't dealing with any kind of actual and REAL side effects from what they've gone through.
To make it even more ridiculous, we often blame the person who was traumatized or abused, and take the blame RIGHT OFF of the actual event or the abuser/attacker. We lay blame on the target of the crime instead of the perpetrator. Why do we do this? Because we don't want to DEAL WITH learning about the effects of trauma, and we don't want to have to DEAL WITH caring, even a little, for the person. What if we have to CHANGE something... what if we have to DO something ... it might INTERFERE with my plans...

Funny though, when anything happens to US, we want others to listen to us vent, complain, even whine. We want others to automatically help us, even if we didn't help them much at all. We want others to CUT US SLACK, have the understanding of a Sufi or an ancient Prophet, and give us all the assistance and help WE WANT and we think we need.

So why are we so self-centered as a species?
Why do we seem so oblivious to the fact that most of us expect a lot more than we give and do?
Why do we hold others to very high standards, but we hold ourselves to minimal responsibility toward others?

It's a combination of biology and our environment, but we can answer that question only for our own selves. Were there people in my youth who were self-centered, snotty, dismissive, or controlling? Is it common for the people I grew up around to have a "look out for number one" attitude? Who did I emulate? What did I want people to see me as, really? Was there someone who was very needy? Was I a bully as a kid, and if I was, why didn't I get in trouble for it, and who did I bully? Who did I look up to, who was around me every day even if we didn't get along? What were they like?
Does it annoy me when other people are expressing sadness, pain, confusion, or loneliness? Do I actually believe that I am not a person who expresses any complaints?  Do I seriously believe that whatever a person goes through, it doesn't change their brain or their processing?

Have I ever actually studied the brain, or the effects of trauma or abuse? Or have I just heard hearsay, other people talking about it, or skimmed through a couple of articles? Or do I just formulate opinions based on nothing but my own annoyance levels, without actually reading, listening, and learning about it like I would learn about how to change my fuel filter, or how to make a certain meal, or how to fly a plane, how to play a certain song, or how to build a deck?

Do I think I have learned all there is to know about the effects of trauma, and do I believe that others can't know as much or more than I do? Especially if they didn't have the exact same life as I did, or if they're a different "kind" of person than I am?

Most people spend more time learning about how to fix their hair or pick up the opposite sex than they do about human beings, others or themselves, and yet they are full of opinions about it, and full of rejections toward people who really do learn about it.

When we are full of animosity or annoyance toward a trauma, abuse, or crime victim, we are showing that we don't like that we might have to deal with something that makes us uncomfortable, and we don't want to learn something that seems difficult, and we don't want to CARE for another person outside our regular comfort zone. Basically, we don't want to expend any energy. We're also afraid that it could happen to us, or we could even be jealous that the person has been through something that might get them "special attention." So if you identify with that, then yes, that's self-centered, selfish, childish, and even narcissistic. Victim-blame is one of the signs of Narcissism. If you've read all the way to here, though, you probably don't have the disorder, you just didn't realize you were doing that. Or, you might have it, I don't know, I can't see you from here~ :)


Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline is not the same as Narcissism, it's often developed because of (Narc.) abuse in childhood. It's extremely common for any female who is in or has been in an abusive relationship, or had abusive (N) parents, to be diagnosed with BPD if she voluntarily goes "inpatient", or has suicidal ideation. It is more common for a female in an abusive relationship or family to be diagnosed with BPD than for the treating psychiatrist or psychologist to focus at all on the partner's behavior or the family's behavior.
And since BPD is not like sociopath or bipolar, and is only a cluster of behaviors that are usually developed because of a lack of safety and guidance, it is quite treatable and curable.
People who display extreme and violent behaviors have other things going on besides BPD, such as addiction or Bipolar, but the mental health system is not very good at diagnosing or treating "comorbidity", and tend to throw medication at the person, which does very little to help actual BPD patients.
BPD can be "unlearned" if the person can surround themselves with very stable and healthy people who are mature enough to understand, and using guided therapy that untangles their emotional knots and skewed coping skills such as DBT and CBT. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy has shown to be very effective in untangling and even curing BPD symptoms.
A very large number of people who have been through abuse would be diagnosed with BPD if they went to see a psychiatrist today and described themselves, especially if they have ever blamed their depression on the abusive behavior of someone else. Let's stop demonizing BPD, it's counterproductive.

From a reader:

"I'm impressed with this, to whomever the author is. I have BPD, and it is waning, now that I am inching into my thirties. And I did grow up with a Narc mother - though she's a psychological dream compared to the Narc that is my husband's ex-wife. BPD, if left unrecognized and untreated, can be a nightmare! It's a nightmare for the loved ones of the BPD person, but multiply the size of the nightmare times 10, and it's that much for the BPD themselves, usually. I have had to work through DBT by myself, as I have no insurance and very little therapy...the mental health profession is *just now* catching on to just HOW treatable it really is - at least for the BPD who has the heart and the willingness to take responsibility - that is the key. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. BPD is a heavy filter through which EVERYTHING goes - from tiny things like inconveniences in life to the big things like interpersonal relationships. I have to work almost every moment of every day to keep mental HEALTH on top, and not let the filtered "truths" run things. It takes incredible self-vigilance, intense self-awareness, and endless ability to assess things objectively - a lot of humility and strength to know who you are. I am not my disease - as much as my disease would love to make me believe otherwise. My husband is my greatest support system, creating incredible safety and stability for me, which has taken the work I've already done for years and revved it up to super levels! Sometimes I can hide in him when my brain leaves me wide open for the emotional storms...I love being able to just say to him "This is being filtered and I'm not thinking straight and I can't see my way out right now. Please proceed with caution." :) We have a lot of happiness and calmness in our marriage - I never dreamed I would be able to have the wealth of spirit that I do. I am not abusive to him at all, and it's hard to see so much misunderstanding about BPD...frankly, when I get to the other side of it completely, I will have considered it an incredible blessing which has allowed me to be compassionate, intuitive, and observant to near-savant levels! /novel!" ~Denise Husted

Human Tribal Obsession

So which one of our groups is better than the other ones this week?

Which one of the "tribes" we belong to is the one we are identifying with as superior today?

Let me see, maybe it's our Ancestry tribe. We whose lineage come from such and such a country are the Great Ones, and our family lineage is the Cream of the Crop among them.
What was the ancestry of that country before? Where did the tribes come from who invaded and stayed there? They were Great too... better than all the other ones. Stronger, faster, smarter...

Or maybe today it's the town we live in now. Everyone from our area is smarter and more experienced, and has more common sense than the entire rest of the region.

How about our Political Party? Make sure we capitalize the words. OUR Political Party, the one WE belong to, is definitely the better one. We are all more intelligent, more ethical, kinder, and light years beyond the other ones. Which one are we? Oh yeah, that's right, the GOOD one... Which one is that? Well the one WE belong to, of course! We wouldn't belong to it if it wasn't the BEST one... Actually, we are all kind of spiritually related in this Party, unlike the other Parties... they're all just a bunch of idiots. OUR Party is the SMART and GOOD Party, we're head and shoulders above the other ones. Aren't we?! (Which Party is it again?)

Perhaps this week the Tribe we are focused on is our sexual orientation. WE are the ones who should be ruling over the other ones! WE are the ones who are RIGHT, and WE are BETTER than THEM. They are ALL crazy and stupid, WE are all smart, innocent and perfect.

Or, the Tribe of the week can be our sex. Male, female, ONE of them is superior to the other, they CAN'T be equal, because they're DIFFERENT, so one HAS to be inferior. And of course whichever one WE ARE is the one that's SUPERIOR. ALL of the one sex is superior, and ALL of the other sex is inferior. Except maybe one or two extra smart and extra cool people... but that's it, and those exceptions aren't really as good as WE ARE, they're just not as inferior as the rest of their kind. WE are the supreme ones, in almost every way.

Let's not forget race! OUR race is of course the best one, even though we tolerate the others. Skin, hair, and eye color show who WE ARE! Forget about what those Genome scientists said~ we LIKE to separate ourselves by the way we look and set ourselves ABOVE. WE are the innocent ones, ALL of us, and THEY are not... What race are we again? Oh yeah, OUR race, the one we SAY we belong to.

How about Music Genre~ all the people who listen to the same music as we do are JUST LIKE US, and WE are the ones who understand the WORLD. Those OTHER people who listen to that OTHER music don't understand anything. They're just stupid. WE are the ones who GET ALL OF IT.

All those who are fans of the same sport as US are special members of a special tribe. And even more special and elite are all who are fans of the team WE follow. OUR team is the greatest (we just ignore it when players get traded), WE have the best players on OUR TEAM! And we will fight anyone who isn't a member of our tribe! Dareth not to speak ill words of OUR TEAM, oh heathenous wretch...

Let's make this week's tribe OUR RELIGION. WHOSOEVER follows the same doctrine as US is a fellow tribal member, and WE are RIGHT! Whosoever REJECTS the same doctrine as WE DO is a fellow tribal member, and WE are RIGHT! No other group has any idea what they're talking about, ONLY WE DO!!! And we are prepared to FIGHT ABOUT IT, and TRAMPLE the RIGHTS and FREEDOM of ANYONE who does NOT BELONG TO OUR TRIBE! Because they're STUPID, and WE ARE SMART!



How about next week we make OUR TRIBE about our College, or our Degree?
The week after that we can make OUR TRIBE be about our regional dialect.
Let's make it about how TALL we are!
How about the cars we have, or our jobs? The company WE work for?
Oh Oh Oh! What about the SKILLS we have! That's a really good one...

We can always find a TRIBE to belong to, and that TRIBE will always be the SUPERIOR one compared to all the others...
Even if we switch from one to the other, the new tribe will now be the BETTER tribe....

Even the sentient awareness of Human Tribal social behavior is not enough to WAKE US UP, is it?


First Impressions, Ongoing Impressions

Another mind-bender that humans too often do to other humans, but Narcissists do to an intense degree:

Treating others (especially targets) as if they are NOT the person that they really are.

Human beings "mirror" one another and give feedback to one another every time we interact. I smile, you smile back, it's normal, it's polite, and you are signaling that you SEE me and acknowledge me and my expression. You are giving me normal, straightforward feedback and reciprocation, no drama there. If you see me doing a task, you would acknowledge that I'm doing that task, and you would store it as a simple memory about me~ "She washes dishes, she knows how to wash dishes, she washed them today". You would gather bits of information about me that way, and put them under a category in your memory of "who she is, what she does". (You wouldn't assume much about my character or my preferences, or my strengths or weaknesses, you don't have any of that information. You wouldn't assume that I CAN'T do something, it wouldn't cross your mind, you have not seen me try hard and fail at something.)

This is how we build our "pictures" of other people, when we are doing it in a healthy way.  We don't make a lot of assumptions about them for good or for ill, for strength or weakness, we simply slowly take in bits of information as they come, and store them in a neutral, drama-free memory file.

"He likes dogs, he has a Bichon Frise."
"She plays guitar and piano, she has been playing since she was very young."
"He cooks, he likes to cook. I enjoyed the gourmet meal he made."
"She worked at the bank as a Loan Officer."
"He always calls and shows up when he says he will, therefore I feel pretty comfortable trusting his reliability."
"She remodeled my friend's kitchen and built another friend's deck, therefore I know she is skilled in remodeling and carpentry."
"He speaks politely and considerately when he interacts with me and also with others. I have not seen him act rudely or arrogantly."
"She has behaved  like a friend to me on several occasions, she has stood up for me, she treats others with consideration and care."

We build Pictures of others based on actual information when we are doing it in a healthy way. We don't assume a person CAN'T do something just because we've never actually seen them do it, or based on their appearance, nor do we assume they CAN do something based on our own fantasies because of the their appearance.

Controllers, Narcissists, and the immature (due to age or other) make their Picture of another person BEFORE they find out real bits of information. It's not based on anything but their imagination. You might remind them of a girl they used to know, so they put their "Picture" of who she was on YOU. Maybe you are wearing certain clothes, or a uniform, so they put the Picture they keep in their imaginations of "people who wear these clothes" on you. They might base their Picture of who you are on a combination of things, like your clothing, job position, weight, and gender, or just one or two things, like your hair color and your facial features.
This is what they go by when they interact with you. They don't go by what you actually DO, or who you actually ARE. They made their Picture up of you based on their own imaginations, they didn't wait to find out anything real about you at all. Sometimes they will also pick up rumors, gossip, or adulation from others about you and insert those into their Picture of you as well.

What do they do when they find out their Picture of you doesn't match who and what you really are?
Not much. They just ignore, dismiss, and delete the new information. It doesn't fit with their Picture they have in their head of you, so they reject it.  The most important thing to them is their comfort, and the Picture of you they created fit in with their comfort level and ego. The Picture is static, and it's for them, not for you. It's not about you, it's about them. Changing that picture would take serious effort on their part, and even more importantly, it would mean they were NOT CORRECT when they made up their Picture. CAN'T HAVE THAT, it's too uncomfortable. So, they will just REJECT any new information that would change the comfortable Picture.

With that rejection of information, the target also usually gets rejected along with it.

In other words, when a Controller or Narcissist keeps receiving information that proves the Picture they have created of someone else to be false, they often decide they don't "LIKE" the person anymore. A person with Narcissism can even become angry or hateful toward a Target when they turn out to simply be different from the Picture they created of them.

The Picture they create in their heads may have the subject being wealthy or poor, smarter or less intelligent than themselves, stronger or weaker. They might have painted the person in their minds as being a parental figure or a little sister or brother. They may have painted them as being skilled or unskilled, experienced or inexperienced. Crazy or very stable. "Good" or "Bad". Virtuous or promiscuous. Honest or dishonest. Sober or not sober. Their Picture is painted from the imagination, not actual information, so it does not reflect reality, it's hit or miss; it's really a reflection of their own inner world, their ego, the way they want the world to be around them.

So when a Controller or Narcissist (or younger person) speaks and interacts with you as if you are a different person than you really are, it's because they really don't know who and what you really are. They create their Pictures of others first, without actual objective information, and that's what they go by. A fictional Picture.
When your actions don't fit their Picture, they often become uncomfortable, and then will often put the blame for their discomfort on you, because in their minds, you are causing it.
You're messing up their Picture, you're changing the script they wrote for you, you're not staying in the place they assigned  you.

 It's important to qualify, however~ a "Socio/psychopath Narcissist" will often learn as much as they can about another person, purposely, so they can use what they learn to manipulate their target. However, so many of them are so befuddled with arrogance that they think they know more than they do; they usually slip up pretty early on and reveal their true intentions.



http://refulgentcoleman.blogspot.com/2013/07/human-tribal-obsession.html

Sickness

One of the most obvious and flagrant signs of a very sick society is diminished respect between the sexes, and the lack of instilling basic respect for elders of both sexes in the youth. Those who do not have respect for others don't have respect for themselves, and therefore can't teach it.

Normal Psychiatry

One of the biggest problems with psychiatry is the fact that the patient is viewed through the filter of the idea of what "normalcy" is in the mind of a single individual, or at best, a small handful of individuals who have been indoctrinated in similar ways. The limited viewpoint of one human being can not for one moment presume to know the actual life experiences of another from birth to present time, what it's literally like to stand in their shoes among other humans, among their particular family members, to know their infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, to comprehend the color, depth, and intensity of the events this person has experienced throughout their lives. To judge another's entire personhood and personality as "normal" or "abnormal" based one's OWN belief that one's own personality and world view is "NORMAL" and above reproach or bias, and actually label them with a diagnosis based on this, has got to be one of the most childish and blatant forms of arrogance in the modern world. 

Condescension And Intelligence

When someone condescends to you, it's literally an indication of a lack of ability on their part. A poor ability to assess the intelligence level of others is quite straightforward, no different than having a poor ability to work out mathematical problems, comprehend language, or work out spatial relationships between objects.

A person who was adept at assessing the intelligence levels of others would not be detected condescending, because the person they were condescending TO would not be aware enough to notice their tone if they were as dim as they had been assessed to be.

Further, the desire alone to assess the intelligence levels of those with whom one is speaking to indicates something about their personality and level of self-esteem. The exchange of information does not require any such assessment; information exchange is completely neutral. The ego that is looking for ways to boost itself seeks to assess the "limitations" of random others. The other common reason one would make a habit of trying to assess the intelligence "limitations" of others would be for conning, trickery, and thievery purposes. 

What's The Fun In Relationships?

Being in any kind of relationship is like riding a seesaw. There is joy and peace when each person is actually playing the game of the seesaw, creating balance, creating momentum, slowing it down when it gets wobbly or too high, and speeding up when both feel secure and are in the balance zone. The seesaw is great fun to play with, but that fun can only be found when another person who understands..., at least intuitively, the physics of balance. If the person on the other end of the seesaw is just trying to knock you off, bounce you on the ground, or make it go too fast so they can enjoy the look on your face, they probably don't comprehend the physics of balance, and would not be able to appreciate the feeling of achieving the subtle levels of balance and speed that can only be attained with two people purposely synchronizing with one another. If the only reason the other person likes to play on the seesaw is to manipulate the person on the other side, then they aren't going to be able to achieve balance, or comprehend the joy in it.
They will also jump off and let the other person slam on the ground when they get bored, or the other person won't let them be "the boss", or when they see another toy, or another game going on.
They aren't going to be able to focus on the seesaw for very long at all, and won't even know why anyone would want to. It's boring to them, they can't comprehend, or feel, the magnetic resonance that's created in achieving balance and harmony with another person.
What's fun for them is competing for control, attention, and domination over others. That' pretty much it. They simply can not grasp why someone finds achieving balance and resonance with others FUN and fulfilling.
Having a relationship with a Controller, whether they're friend, family, romantic or business, is like riding a seesaw with a bully. Most of the ride is going to just be either dealing with the bully's attempts at "taking control" of the seesaw, or trying to make you go faster or slower, and when you're not dealing with that, you're watching them for signs that they're going to slam it again, and you're wondering when they're just going to jump off and let you slam on the ground. It's not fun, it's just stressful. But you know you can't play the seesaw without another person, and the bully knows this too.
The only way to get away from a bully who thinks he or she owns the seesaw at the playground is to jump off. Go find a different playground, and stop trying to find someone to play on the seesaw for a while. Swings are fun too, and they only require one person. When you find someone you think you can trust to play on the seesaw with you, use caution and pay attention to their actions. If they show signs of being a bully, just get off the seesaw and go back to the swings.

What The ~ Happened To Discernment?

Just because something is supposed to be clever or intellectual doesn't mean it's good, or good for you, or good for the minds of children. Just because you can do something doesn't mean it should be done, and just because you feel something doesn't mean you should act on it.

What happened to the human brain, anyway?

Don't make 12 year olds watch "The Lottery", or 13 year olds read books that would depress a Tibetan monk, or let 9 year olds watch rated R movies, use some sense. Don't listen to songs about being severely depressed or being a "loser", quit listening to lyrics about violence and hate and then complaining that your life sucks because the world sucks. Whatever you feed the brain, whatever the mind is engaged in, that's what it remembers... that's what it absorbs...helloooo... how else did you think it worked? You're just born the way you'll be when you're 45 or 70? DUH! Quit feeding your brain and your kids' brains depressing input, and then wondering why "Kids are the way they are", or why the "World is screwed up"...! That's like eating donuts every hour on the hour and complaining that you've gained weight! "It's the woooorld making me gain weight...." No, it's you stuffing your own face with donuts.

Venting about real things and learning about real things are important; filling the air and bombarding ourselves with melodrama is a completely different thing.

Delusions Of Grandeur And Status

That feeling of "hierarchy" in the social groups in the community is created first in childhood by the actual, real hierarchy that's supposed to exist in a family. Parents are the head of the household, of course. Then, there is an actual hierarchy that's supposed to be there at school because of the way it was set up, with the principal at the top, then the vice principal, then the faculty. In co...llege there is a similar hierarchy that was set up. There is hierarchy that's set up in government, and in businesses.
Hierarchies are set up purposely for specific reasons, such as streamlining efficiency and delegating tasks, making decisions and plans, and carrying them out.
Each group does NOT have the same exact hierarchy system, nor are they conducted in the same way. Some are more democratic, some are more dictatorial, some work better than others, mostly depending on the individuals involved.

What is not a REAL hierarchy, but a fictional one, is the one people make up in their heads according to their own social conditioning and emotional issues.

If there is a business that is owned by a small man, for example, he is the actual "boss". If he hires a man who is larger than him, or even more experienced than him, he is STILL the "boss", not the man he hired.
If the owner of the business is a small woman, then she is the actual "boss". If she offers a partnership to a person who's a man, he doesn't get to be HER boss just because he's male. When they hire employees, the employees are bound to listen to BOTH of them, equally, they don't just get to listen to one or the other depending on their own personal emotional issues. If they do, then they are not doing their job, and should probably be let go because they are a liability to the business instead of an asset.

If the head of the PTA is a younger or smaller woman, then she is the head of the PTA, period, and those who try to dominate over her are displaying serious emotional problems.

If the Principal or Dean of a school is a slightly built man, then he should be treated with the same exact respect that he would if he were 6'5" and 240 lbs. Anyone who can't handle that is displaying emotional problems.

Humans frequently create pretend hierarchies in their imaginations because it gives them fictional excuses to treat one person better or worse than another.
Everyone will stop talking and listen to Ted when he speaks, shares his opinion, or tells stories, but they just keep talking right over Jerry, no matter what. They will say things like "well it's because he's so smart" or "because he's so experienced", but it's not that at all.

It's really because they are building an imaginary hierarchy so that they can have their OWN place in it.

Healthy groups, businesses, and institutions, including families, don't do dramatic power struggles, because no one is vying for illusory "power" over anyone else. No one is trying to dominate or oppress, no one is putting one person on a pedestal as "super cool' and "more worthy", and throwing another under the bus, or trying to belittle or shun them. Because the individuals are all mentally and emotionally healthy, they know the difference between a REAL hierarchy that was set up in order to get things done well and keep things going, and a FAKE hierarchy that is based on emotional issues such as desire for control over others, ego, cronyism, and desire for approval and recognition.

Punishment And Reward: Red Light Runners

Business And Narcissists

If you've ever been a business partner or worked on any kind of project with a Narcissist, you probably know what it's like to be treated like someone else's shadow, like you weren't even there. It's almost comical how they take full credit for the work you do, the money you contribute, the plans you made, even the project itself (the ones that were YOUR idea). THEY are the only REAL person in their world. You could write an entire song from beginning to end, all the words, all the music, every instrumental part, and ask them to play one of the parts on stage or on a record, and they will take credit for writing the whole song.
They will also simply STEAL a song, literally, and claim they wrote it, and collect the royalties and credit. (You hear songs on the radio every day that have been literally stolen.) They will take your photographic work without asking and use it to sell their product. They will take your artistic work and use it for their logo without paying you. They will order a portrait sculpture or painting and refuse to pay for it once it's completed. They will create fake work and billing in order to get more money out of a customer. They will take your invention and patent it in their own name. They will take your story and turn it into a screenplay, and claim it's original. They will take your scientific work and claim it's their own, and put their name on your observations and theories. They'll stead your dissertation and publish it as their own work. They'll simply REWRITE their own reality using YOUR WORK. And they will pat themselves on the back for all of it.

If you built a business together, they will take ALL OF THE CREDIT and believe THEY were the ones who did all of the work. They will belittle whatever you did, no matter how much you contributed, no matter if you ACTUALLY did twice the work they did and spent 5 times the money they did. They will NOT pay you back any money you lent them, no matter how much or how little it was, and will tell everyone your money is gone because YOU BLEW IT (even while you're holding the copies of the checks in your HAND that you lent them, with their name on them.)
Narcissists will deny you were even THERE, or completely diminish and minimize your contribution to any project or business or family or group AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
If you saved their life, literally, they will turn on you so they don't have to feel like they owe you anything. No matter how much you helped them, they will claim they did everything by themselves, and that any help they received was minimal or nothing at all. 

If you were the other ASTRONAUT in the first human voyage to Mars, and you were the pilot, and you built the ship, they would tell everyone you were "JUST ALONG FOR THE RIDE".

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS get EVERYTHING IN WRITING, even if it's your best friend you're working with, your spouse, or your relative. A REAL friend would WANT you to be protected in writing, and would want to protect themselves as well, they would want EVERYTHING to be documented clearly and "on the table" to protect everyone involved and to make sure everything is FAIR. WOULDN'T THEY?!?  
What kind of a "friend" doesn't want YOU to be protected with legal documentation?  
 Even if it's just from something unexpected going awry? 
What kind of "friend" doesn't want YOU to get credit for your contribution or work? 
What kind of "friend" doesn't want your funds, your future, or your family's livelihood to be safe?

 Think about it.

Narcissism and Sexism

Sexism is a big issue for many narcissists, both female and male, and it can take different forms, but it's always about identity.
One might think of themselves as "uber male" and do everything they can think of to prove to the world that that's what they are, the ultimate GUY. But their target audience might be male, or it might be female, or it might be both, it depends on the individual, and what they think being the "ultimate GUY" actually means. They are usually trying hard to get the attention, approval, and acceptance of their own sex, but trying to be sexually attractive to the opposite sex (but not caring about acceptance or approval from them, and not giving it either).

Another one might think of themselves as "Ultra Feminine" and do the same thing as the above said "uber male", in female terms, doing everything they can think of to prove that they're the ultimate Woman, according to whatever they think that means.

Narcissists often believe that everyone has the same picture of "ultimate male" or "ultimate female" in their heads, so that alleviates their wondering about what other people think of them, they are ON IT! They KNOW what other people think of them, they are IT.

So if you're the ultimate female, then all the other females are BELOW you, aren't they? Your uber femaleness holds your spotlight in place all the time.
If you're the ultimate male, then all the other males just can't measure up, can they? Your ultra maleness shines brighter than all the stars in the sky.

And the opposite sex doesn't have a CHANCE! When you walk by, they are instantly enamored with you, and if they AREN'T hypnotized by your magnificence, or your magnetic and glowing sweetness and down to earth humility..., they are either STUPID, or STUCK UP. In fact, pretty much anyone who doesn't look UP to you, or give you signals that they find you very attractive is an IDIOT. In fact, pretty much anyone who is SMALLER than you, or not as "polished", or not as well spoken, or not as well off, or younger, or older, or doesn't have the same skills or credentials as you, or makes any kind of visible mistake, or appears the least bit cautious, shy, or anxious HAS to be a lower kind of person, and so they should automatically be acknowledging you for the higher status human that you are!

Anyone who doesn't get treated with high and loud "respect" by others, anyone who people don't listen to, or laugh at all their jokes, anyone who people don't put up on a Super Cool or Super Wise pedestal, anyone who people ignore or gossip about is of course one of those "lower status" people as well.

So, that whole list is most females, and many males. So that means most females are lesser than you, and several males are as well.
Which means that females in general are lesser humans, and some males are also lesser humans.

SO, the male Narcissist is usually male biased and identifies with being male, because the culture they live in is male biased, so there's no discrepancy for them between their actual sex and their feeling of supremacy. They don't have to change their physical identity to feel superior, they already ARE superior... all they have to do is show off their greatness!

The FEMALE Narcissist, on the other hand, who lives in a male-biased culture, has to be the "exception to the rule", she's ABOVE other women, she's BETTER than other women, she's the ONLY woman in the room who has her unique capabilities. She's the ultimate woman, and she can compete with men on "their level".

Narcissistic women often think men see them as "one of them", not as "one of those other silly, stupid women."

Since there is a large disparity in identity for Narc. women, they have to do more mental twisting and turning in order to keep their superior self-image. Narcissists WANT TO BE IDENTIFIED WITH THE GROUP THAT HAS MORE "POWER", so it's easier for males narcs in a male-biased culture; not so easy for female narcs.

Female Narcissists often end up being biased against other women, viciously bullying and competing with them, gossiping, backstabbing, and sabotaging, and going along with most male Narcissists in the same anti-female biases. Female Narcissists are often male-biased, because they identify themselves as being a member of the "power group" as they see it, and despise being thought of (like male Narcissists) as a member of a "lesser" group.

Of course no humans need to accept being seen or thought of as a lesser person due to race or gender, and being offended is a natural and healthy response. It's a ridiculous and immature culture that has such power imbalances. But the Narcissist female often actually creates a delusion that she is NOT really a member of the female sex, or that she is a member but she is an EXCEPTION, she's ABOVE the rest, and therefore treats other females much like a male Narcissist would treat them. As a lesser type of human.



*It doesn't matter what a Narcissist ACTUALLY looks like on the outside, this all takes place in their imaginations anyway. The gorgeous, "voluptuous" woman down the street with the great smile might NOT be a Narcissist at all, she might not even think she's that attractive, she might even think she's UN attractive and might be the nicest person in town, but the person at the office who very few people find physically attractive (or even charismatically) might have severe NPD and believe they are like a god.

Bias And Power

There is always bias for one sex and bias against the other if the culture has a power imbalance. Whichever sex holds the power of wealth, decision making, and governing is the one that people are taught to have bias for.

It is no different than racial power imbalance, religious power imbalance, or ancestral power imbalance. Whichever race, sex, religion, or ancestry holds the most power in a given region is who is held up as smarter, wiser, funnier, more endearing, more powerful, and more deserving of sympathy, "fairness", "justice", help, attention, and resources.


The reason for this is conditioning; one generation after another learns by growing up within a given culture to think of others in a certain light according to their race or sex. It is learned mostly by just modeling; the way adults conduct themselves day to day is called "modeling" when children are anywhere in the vicinity, and this is how children's beliefs about what is NORMAL are developed. So even if a child's inner "moral compass" tells them that something is wrong with this picture, their brain is still learning what "normal" is by the way everyone behaves around them, and the child will still reflect their biases in his or her thinking and behavior as the child grows.

Humans like to rationalize their biases, they will come up with all kinds of "reasons" why one person is treated one way, and another person is treated another way, but none of it would hold water in an objective scientific observation. For example giving more resources to one sex than the other, or one race than the other, proves only one thing: that there is bias for that sex or race. The argument usually goes something like "Well they NEED those extra resources because they have more responsibility, and they need to learn more." But in reality, neither sex nor race has MORE responsibilities than the other. This might be hard for some people to understand, because of their conditioning, which is why it keeps going, and going, and going.

The fact is, whichever group has been holding more power and bias is not going to want to give any of it away. They have throughout history fought tooth and nail to hold on to any extra bias they have acquired, regardless of how it affects others. Power is addictive, and makes one feel SAFE and SECURE. It makes one feel entitled to more PROTECTION in a harsh world. It makes one feel entitled to control others, and to be served by others, and to be treated as ABOVE others.


Those who belong to the group that is biased FOR do not have full support of everyone like they would in a balanced community. There is much more competition for "status", which can include vicious and cruel tactics. Severe bullying and sabotage toward other members of the group is common. Likewise, in the groups that the culture is biased against, there is also more bullying and vicious competition for status within the group. More competing all around, more power plays all around; less cooperation, teamwork, support, and accomplishment.

From the point of view of ones who hold power and bias:
IF everyone is considered "equal", then there will be no one serving, no one taking a backseat, no one doing the tedious work, no one filling the seats in the audience and cheering, no one laughing at my jokes, no one believing whatever I say and taking me seriously, no one protecting me from others or from my own mistakes. Everyone will be competing, driving, running the business, making decisions, and on stage. Everyone will be judging me just as harshly as they judge others, and everyone will have the same knowledge, so I can't say I know something that I don't, and I can't say someone else DOES NOT know something. No one will be there to blame for things that go wrong.
If EVERYONE is recognized for their actual REAL STRENGTH and intelligence, then there will be no one to call "LESS THAN ME" or "LESS THAN US", and no one to use as a doormat or stress relief, and no one I can force into doing my bidding, because they will stand up for themselves, and someone else will stand up for them.

And that all means someone might get forced into sitting in the backseat or the audience, or held accountable, or have to take care of others and do tedious work, or be a sidekick instead of a leader, and that person might be me... So I'm going to hold on to this bias with all my might, and I'm going to make sure that I am supportive of those who are like me, so we can hold onto this power together. Anyone who tries to say we should share it I will rail against, belittle, and condemn with everything I've got.

Whichever sex or race is given a wider berth in personal space, whichever sex or race children are taught to fear retribution from, whichever sex or race is treated with more "respect", whichever sex or race is held up as having more capability and skill, is the always the one that the culture is biased FOR, and is holding onto the imbalance of power.

In cultures where this power imbalance exists, there is much larger incidence of drama, more crime, more violence, and more mental and emotional illness due to the volatile behavior in the community.

In a balanced culture, there is no disparity in treatment or respect regarding sex or race. Since there is much less dramatic struggle for power, there is much more peace, much more accomplishment, and much less crime and violence.

Culture Sludge

"Oh my GOSH did you see what she was WEARING?"
"You need to get a life!"
"Look at the pictures he posts, he thinks he's so great."
"Go get me a beer."
"How about if you get me a cup of coffee."
"I need you to come and help me this weekend."
"Hurry up, you're so SLOW."
"This place is a dump."
"Why don't you do something about your hair."
"You used to be so pretty."
"You used to be so thin."
"You used to have a great body."
"You would be hot if you had a tan/gained some weight/lost some weight/changed your hair/wore makeup/smiled more."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"You're a bitch. She's a bitch. He's a whiny bitch."
"You're a loser. She's a loser. He's a loser."
"You're going to hell."
"You're stupid for believing that."
"It's all your fault."
"I know what you're doing when I'm not there."
"You deserve what you get if you're that stupid to let someone trick/treat you like that."
"They deserved to get hit/beaten/raped/abused/stolen from."
"Why would you go out with THAT?"
"Did you see them walking to the parking lot together? He must be banging her."
"She smiled at you dude, that means she wants you."
"She's a slut."
"Men and women can't be just friends."
"Everyone cheats, lies and steals, if they deny it they're lying, that's just the way of the world."
"You need to get a thicker skin, stop complaining."
"I will kick your ass/her ass/his ass if you say (whatever)."
"I will kill (whoever, for whatever)"
"She doesn't like to be told what to do..."

Sentences that are common in narcissist "culture", and rarely or never come out of the mouths of non-narcissists. It can be difficult for some non-narcissists to communicate in a narc. culture, when this language is the norm, all around them. It can also be hard not to pick it up when you hear it every day all around you. It can have a depressive effect on a person who lives in such a culture, hearing it day in and day out. Kind of like living in a bad movie but not being able to change the film. Many people are amazed when they grow up and leave their hometown, and find out that there are places and people in the world who don't live and speak that way. While there's always some narcissism in any area we live, there are huge differences in the general atmosphere and the way people treat one another from region to region, which of course directly affects the quality of life for the adults and children who live there.

The Blessing Of Remorse

That feeling that's referred to as "remorse" and the one called "guilt"< they are integral to staying human, you are blessed if you still feel them.

Shame put upon us by others to control us is not the same as remorse and guilt. If I yelled at my son in anger and said something hurtful, I will feel remorseful if my "heart" is intact and healthy. It will help me be aware of my actions and my mistake, and will help compel me to make amends and apologize. If I stood up a friend in order to go do something else, if my "heart" is healthy I'll feel guilty because I did something purposely that hurt and inconvenienced my friend.  It will help me to realize that my actions caused my friend pain or sadness, or a scheduling problem, and I will learn from it, and hopefully my friend will forgive me, but I probably won't do it again.

Getting abused and attacked can effectively inhibit or shut down our natural guilt and remorse response because we are in fight or flight too much of the time, or frustrated, or angry at something that has been done to us. We can become numb inside, and only feel the very sharpest and loudest emotions; we might seek conflict, adrenaline rushes, or pain in order to feel something. We might begin to lose our ability to empathize, or even care much about others, their lives, happiness, and well-being. We can become contemptuous, hard, and even arrogant.

 It is the blessing of the healed, the healing, and the safe and secure (even if that means being in a warzone but knowing someone has your back) to feel guilt and remorse, and have the freedom to make amends.
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